Subj: Job3 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 35 jokes and articles)
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Subj: Job3 Jokes (Gz) (Includes 35 jokes and articles) Click "Here" for Jobs-Supp |
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Big Shoes to Fill from Animation Factory |
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| Subj:
Virtual Work (S550b)
From: AFine963 on 7/28/2007 . |
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Subj: If You
Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk (S225)
From: TAdams on 5/18/2001
TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK
10. "They told me at the
blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute
power-nap like they raved
about in
that time management course you sent me to."
8. Whew! Guess I left the top
off the Whiteout. You
probably
got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping!
I was meditating on the mission
statement
and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard
for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific
Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people
who practice
Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me?
I had almostf igured out a
solution
to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf
in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 best thing
to say if you get caught sleeping
at your desk...
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
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Subj: Top
10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked (S221)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 4/21/2001
The top 10 reasons to go to work naked
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole
new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the
fact that you also
came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your
pens after
they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's
like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer
guys from
looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in...
but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally
meet that 'special' person
in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your
computer monitor radiation
to work on your tan.
And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked.
1. Your boss will never say,
"I wanna see your ass in here
by 8:00!" ever again....
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Subj:
Work Policy (S217)
From: flovilla on 3/24/2001 Cartoon from SwapMeetDave.com |
The article 'Work Policy' is
so long that I made it a
seperate file. You can
read it by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Why
I Got Fired........ (S197, S446b)
From: tadams96 on 11/10/2000
and
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 8/6/2005
My first job was working in an
orange juice factory, but I
got canned... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as
a lumberjack, but I just
couldn't hack it, so they gave
me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited
for it. Mainly because
it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef --
figured it would add a little
spice to my life but I just
didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a
deli worker, but any way I
sliced it, I couldn't cut the
mustard.
My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I
wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become
a doctor, but I didn't have
any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory;
I tried but I just didn't
fit in.
I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I
couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working
for a pool maintenance
company, but the work was just
too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding
giraffes but I was fired because
I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium
(work-out-center), but
they said I wasn't fit for the
job.
Next, I found being an electrician
interesting, but the work
was shocking.
After many years of trying to
find steady work I finally got a
job as a historian until I realized
there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks,
but I had to quit
because it was always the same
old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!
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Subj: Forced
Retirement Of Older Employees (S182 ? S365)
From: gheckman on 7/27/00
and
From: Imogenelumen on 1/25/2004
(See 'Job S.H.I.T.' in JOBS-SUPP)
As a result of the reduction
of money budgeted for department
areas, we are forced to cut
down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees
will be asked to go on early
retirement, thus permitting
the retention of the younger people
who represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out
older personnel by the end of
the current fiscal year, via
retirement, will be placed into
effect immediately. This
program will be known as SLAP
(Sever Late Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will
be given the opportunity to look
for jobs outside the company.
A SLAPPED employee can request a
review of their employment records
before actual retirement
takes place. This phase
of the operation is called SCREW
(Survey of Capabilities of Retired
Early Workers).
An employee who has been SLAPPED
or SCREWED may file an appeal
with upper management.
This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher
Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new
policy, an employee may
be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but
may be SHAFTED as many times
as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above
procedures, he will be entitled
to get HERPES (Half Earnings
for Retired Personnel's Early
Severance) or CLAP (Combined
Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless
he already has AIDS(Additional
Income From Dependents or Spouse).
As HERPES or CLAP are considered
benefit plans, an employee who
has received HERPES or CLAP
will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED
by the company. Management
wishes to assure the younger employees
who remain on board that the
company will continue its policy to
train employees through our
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
This company takes pride in
the amount of SHIT our employees
receive. We have given
our employees more SHIT than any company
in this area. If any employee
feels they do not receive enough
SHIT on the job, see your immediate
supervisor.
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Subj: New
Manager And Three Envelopes (S177, S444b)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/21/00 and 7/21/2005
A new manager spends a week at
his new office with the manager
he is replacing. On the
last day the departing manager tells
him, "I have left three numbered
envelopes in the desk drawer.
Open an envelope if you encounter
a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there
is a major drama, everything
goes wrong - the usual stuff
- and the manager feels very
threatened by it all.
He remembers the parting words of his
predecessor and opens the first
envelope. The message inside
says "Blame your predecessor!"
He does this and gets off the
hook.
About half a year later, the
company is experiencing a dip in
sales, combined with serious
product problems. The manager
quickly opens the second envelope.
The message read,
"Reorganize!" This he
does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next
crisis, he opens the third
envelope. The message
inside says "Prepare three envelopes".
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Subj: Job
Interviews (S233b)
..........From:
flovilla on 7/13/2001
(See 'Job Interview'
in COLLEGE-GRAD)
We've all been interviewed for
jobs. And, we've all spent
most of those interviews thinking
about what not to do.
Don't bite your nails.
Don't fidget. Don't interrupt.
Don't belch. If we did
any of the don'ts, we knew we'd
disqualify ourselves instantly.
But some job applicants
go light years beyond this.
We surveyed top personnel
executives of l00 major American
corporations and asked
for stories of unusual behavior
by job applicants.
The lowlights:
l. ".....stretched out
on the floor to fill out the
job
application."
2. "She wore a Walkman
and said she could listen to
me
and the music at the same time."
3. "A balding candidate
abruptly excused himself.
Returned
to office a few minutes later, wearing
a hairpiece."
4. ".....asked to see
interviewer's resume to see if
the
personnel executive was qualified to judge
the
candidate."
5. "...announced she hadn't
had lunch and proceeded
to
eat a hamburger and french fries in the
interviewer's
office - wiping the ketchup on her
sleeve."
6. "Stated that, if he
were hired, he would demonstrate
his
loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on
his
forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone
his therapist for advice on
answering
specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about
his hobbies, he stood up
and
started tap dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the
interview, while I stood there
dumbstruck,
went through my purse, took out a
brush,
brushed his hair, and left."
l0. "....pulled out a Polaroid
camera and snapped a flash
picture of
me. Said he collected photos of everyone
who interviewed
him."
ll. "Said he wasn't interested
because the position paid
too much."
l2. "While I was on a long-distance
phone call, the
applicant
took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked
through the
photos only, stopped longest at the
centerfold."
l3. "During the interview, an
alarm clock went off from
the candidate's
brief case. He took it out, shut it
off, apologized
and said he had to leave for another
interview."
l4. "A telephone call came in
for the job applicant. It
was from
his wife. His side of the conversation went
like this:
"Which company? When do I start? What's
the salary?"
I said, "I assume you're not interested
in conducting
the interview any further." He promptly
responded,
"I am as long as you'll pay me more." I
didn't hire
him, but later found out there was no
other job
offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
l5. "His attache (case) opened
when he picked it up and the
contents
spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and
assorted
makeup and perfume."
l6. "Candidate said he really
didn't want to get a job,
but the unemployment
office needed proof that he was
looking for
one."
l7. "....asked who the lovely
babe was, pointing to the
picture on
my desk. When I said it was my wife, he
asked if
she was home now and wanted my phone number.
I called
security."
l8. "Pointing to a black case
he carried into my office,
he said that
if he was not hired, the bomb would go
off.
Disbelieving, I began to state why he would
never be
hired and that I was going to call the police.
He then reached
down to the case, flipped a switch and
ran.
No one was injured, but I did need to get a new
desk."
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Subj: Resumes
And Cover Letters (S290)
From: janeenmarie on 8/21/2002
These are taken from real Resumes
and Cover Letters, and
were printed in the July 21st
issue of "Fortune" Magazine:
1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect
6.0 computor and
spreadsheet
pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and
rarely if if ever forget
details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson
of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for
two (2) failed financial
institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last
job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively
high grades."
7. "It's best for employers
that I not work with
people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can
'ooh' and 'aah' over my
experience."
9. "I was working for my mom
until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: Single.
Unmarried. Unengaged.
Uninvolved.
No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track
record, although I am
not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer
at all costs... Please
feel free
to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist.
But since I
possess no
training in Meteorology, I suppose I should
try stock
brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially
when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: Donating
blood. Fourteen gallons
so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining
entire operation for a
Midwest chainstore."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue
my 14 jobs as
'job-hopping'.
I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: Often.
Children: Various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat,
just like my
three previous
employers."
20. "Finished eighth in class
of ten."
21. "References: None. I've
left a path of destruction
behind me."
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Subj: Typical
Work Week (S407)
From: DafterLafter on 11/04/2004
Source: http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/032.htm
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Subj: Resume
Bloopers (S257b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/28/2001
These are from actual resumes:
Personal:
"I'm married with 9 children.
I don't require
prescription drugs."
"I am extremely loyal to my present
firm, so please
don't let them know of my immediate
availability."
Qualifications:
"I am a man filled with passion
and integrity, and I can
act on short notice. I'm a
class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary
history. I've made
money and lost money.
I've been rich and I've been poor.
I prefer being rich."
"Number of dependents: 40."
Marital Status:
"Often. Children: Various."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees
get to work by 8:45
every morning. Couldn't work
under those conditions."
"Was met with a string of broken
promises and lies, as
well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until
she decided to move."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial
nature of an assignment,
I am decidedly disposed that
it be so oriented as to at
least partially incorporate
the experience enjoyed here-
tofore and that it be configured
so as to ultimately
lead to the application of more
rarefied facets of
financial management as the
major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS ? JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because
I am self-employed and
my employer does not know I
am looking for another job."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
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Subj: Job
Evaluations (S169, S540b)
From: collins2 on 4/22/00
and
From: AFine963 on 5/18/2007
Great lines from job evaluations:
1. I would not allow this employee
to breed.
2. This associate is really
not so much of a has-been, but
more definitely
a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant
supervision and cornered
like a rat
in a trap.
4. When she opens her mouth,
it seems it is only to change
whichever
foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth
in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions
of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards
and then consistently
fails to
achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving
a village somewhere of an
idiot.
9. This employee should go
far and the sooner he starts,
the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in
the drawer.
11. Got into the gene pool when
the lifeguard wasn't watching.
12. A room temperature IQ.
13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks
the plastic thingy to hold
it together.
14. A gross ignoramus - 144
times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus.
15. A photographic memory but
with the lens cover glued on.
16. A prime candidate for natural
deselection.
17. Bright as Alaska in December.
18. One-celled organisms outscore
him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science
before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Gates are down, lights are
flashing, but the train isn't
coming.
22. Has two brains: one is lost;
the other is out looking for
it.
23. He's so dense, light bends
around him.
24. If brains were taxed, she'd
get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid,
he'd have to be watered twice
a week.
26. If you give him a penny
for his thoughts, you'll get
change.
27. If you stand close enough
to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It's hard to believe he
beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain
of knowledge, he only
gargled.
31. Takes him an hour and a
half to watch 60 Minutes.
32. Wheel is turning, but the
hamster is dead.
33. Since my last report, this
employee has reached rock
bottom and
has started to dig.
34. His men would follow him
anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity.
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Subj: Excuses
For Job Termination: Snow White ? the 7 Dwarfs (S165)
By Jim Gum, who works for the main office in Colorado
of Young Life, a national Christian youth ministry
From: smiles on 3/13/00
Every month we get a Human Resouces
report on terminations. When
they are asked to put a reason
why they were terminated, the
reasons vary from resigned,
got a better job, getting married,
moving, sexual misconduct, etc.
What I've found is that there
isn't a standard list.
So, I decided to come up with one based
on Snow White and the Seven
Dwarfs.
In order to standardize our Human
Resources forms we now use just
seven reasons for termination:
Happy: Had trouble putting nose
to the grindstone. Too much time
spent telling jokes
at the water cooler.
Doc: Left to pursue further schooling, in particular, Ph.D. work.
Sleepy: Chronically late for work. Caused many project delays.
Grumpy: Poor attitude toward
work. Not a team player. Trouble
with early mornings.
Dopey: Made several critical
errors at work costing the company
money, e.g., misappropriated
company funds.
Sneezy: Recurrent, chronic illness
has made it difficult for the
employee to complete
work in a timely fashion.
Bashful: Lack of initiative.
Not willing to make cold calls. Too
often let workplace
disagreements simmer.
OTHERS
Jealous Queen: Heavy involvement
in the occult not congruent with
organizational
policies.
Snow White: Sexual misconduct,
e.g., kissing strange men while
under some kind
of trance.
Huntsman: Couldn't stand to be
cooped up in the office all day.
Pursuing work with
the National Forest Service.
\\\//
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Subj: Boss
w/No Ears Needs New Employee (S164)
From: RFSlick on 3/18/00
(Also see 'Having
No Ears' in EYES ? EARS)
John, who was born without ears,
needed to hire a new manager.
He had set up three interviews.
The first guy was great.
He knew everything he needed to know
and was very interesting.
At the end of the interview, John
asked him, "Do you notice anything
different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but
notice that you have no ears,"
came the reply.
John did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.
The second interview was with
a woman, and she was even better
than the first guy. He
asked her the same question: "Do you
notice anything different about
me?"
"Well," she said, "you have no
ears." John again got upset and
tossed her out.
The third and final interviewee
was the best of the bunch. He
was a young man who had recently
earned his MBA. He was smart.
He was handsome. He seemed
to be a better businessman that the
first two put together.
John was anxious, but went ahead
and asked the young man the same
question: "Do you notice anything
different about me?"
Much to his surprise, the young
man answered, "Yes. You wear
contact lenses."
John was shocked and realized
this was an incredibly observant
person. "How in the world did
you know that?", he asked.
The young man fell off his chair
laughing hysterically and replied,
"Well, it's pretty hard to wear
glasses with no fuckin' ears !"
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Subj: Coping
With Stress (S160)
From: KMacinty on 01/18/2000
Last week I went to a seminar
called *Stress and Disease by
Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert
in psychobiology. He gave an
example of a coping skill for
job stress which I would like
to share with you.
When you have had one of
those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT
days, try this.
On your way home after work,
stop at your pharmacy and go to
the section where they have
thermometers. You will need to
purchase a rectal thermometer
made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure
that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors,
draw the drapes, and disconnect
the phone so you will not
be disturbed during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing,
such as a sweat suit and
lie down on your bed.
Open the package containing the ther-
mometer and remove the thermometer
and carefully place it on
the bedside table so that it
will not become chipped or broken.
Take the written material that
accompanies the thermometer and
as you read it you will notice
in small print the statement
that *every rectal thermometer
made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY
tested.
Now close your eyes and say out
loud five times, "I am so
glad that I do not work in quality
control at the Q-Tip
Company."
\\\//
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Subj: Woman
Returns Toaster (S157, S477)
From: collins2 on 01/30/2000
and
From: thebartend on 3/7/2006
A woman goes into Wal-Mart and
tells the clerk she wants a
refund for the toaster she bought
because it doesn't work.
The clerk tells her that he
can't give her a refund because
she bought it on special.
All of a sudden, the woman throws
her arms up in the air and starts
screaming, "Grab my
breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The clerk, not knowing what to
do, went to get the store
manager. The manager comes
up to the woman and asks if he
can help her. She explains
that she would like a refund
because the toaster she bought
doesn't work.
He replies by telling her that
he can't give her a refund
because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman
throws her arms up in the air
and starts screaming, "Grab
my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The store manager says to her "why are you saying that?"
The woman replies "Because I
like to have my breasts
grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"
\\\//
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Subj: More
Efficiency Out of Women Employees (S156)
From: RFSlick on 01/28/2000
Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees
The following is an excerpt from
the July 1943 issue of Trans-
portation Magazine. This
was serious and written for male
supervisors of women in the
work force during World War II-a
mere 54 years ago! For those
of you with efficiency issues,
pay attention to #8.
Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency
Out of Women Employees:
There's no longer any question
whether transit companies
should hire women for jobs formerly
held by men. The draft
and manpower shortage has settled
that point. The important
things now are to select the
most efficient women available
and how to use them to the best
advantage.
Here are eleven helpful tips
on the subject from Western
Properties:
1. Pick young married women.
They usually have more of a
sense of responsibility than
their unmarried sisters, they're
less likely to be flirtatious,
they need the work or they
wouldn't be doing it, they still
have the pep and interest to
work hard and to deal with the
public efficiently.
2. When you have to use older
women, try to get ones who have
worked outside the home at some
time in their lives. Older
women who have never contacted
the public have a hard time
adapting themselves and are
inclined to be cantankerous and
fussy. It's always well to impress
upon older women the
importance of friendliness and
courtesy.
3. General experience indicates
that "husky" girls - those
who are just a little on the
heavy side - are more even
tempered and efficient than
their underweight sisters.
4. Retain a physician to give
each woman you hire a special
physical examination - one covering
female conditions. This
step not only protects the property
against the possibilities
of lawsuit, but reveals whether
the employee-to-be has any
female weaknesses which would
make her mentally or physically
unfit for the job.
5. Stress at the outset the importance
of time - the fact
that a minute or two lost here
and there makes serious inroads
on schedules. Until this
point is gotten across, service is
likely to be slowed up.
6. Give the female employee a
definite day-long schedule of
duties so that they'll keep
busy without bothering the manage-
ment for instructions every
few minutes. Numerous properties
say that women make excellent
workers when they have their
jobs cut out for them, but that
they lack initiative in
finding work themselves.
7. Whenever possible, let the
inside employee change from one
job to another at some time
during the day. Women are
inclined to be less nervous
and happier with change.
8. Give every girl an adequate
number of rest periods during
the day. You have to make
some allowances for feminine psych-
ology. A girl has more confidence
and is more efficient if she
can keep her hair tidied, apply
fresh lipstick and wash her
hands several times a day.
9. Be tactful when issuing instructions
or in making crit-
icisms. Women are often
sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh
words the way men do.
Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her
spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
10. Be reasonably considerate
about using strong language
around women. Even though
a girl's husband or father may
swear vociferously, she'll grow
to dislike a place of business
where she hears too much of
this.
11. Get enough size variety in
operator's uniforms so that
each girl can have a proper
fit. This point can't be stressed
too much in keeping women happy.
\\\//
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Subj: Bill
Gates' Message on Life (S153, S343)
From: RFSlick on 01/01/2000 and 8/25/2003
(Also see '12
Rules Kids Won't Learn In School' in SCHOOL2)
(See 'Bill
Of No Rights' in POLITICAL1
and 'Bill Gates' Message Is
Not Bill's' in JOBS3)
For recent high school and college
graduates, here is a list
of 11 things they did not learn
in school. In his book, Bill
Gates talks about how feel-good,
politically-correct teachings
created a full generation of
kids with no concept of reality
and how this concept set them
up for failure in the real world.
RULE 1......Life is not fair; get used to it.
RULE 2......The world won't care
about your self-esteem. The
world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE
you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3......You will NOT make
40 thousand dollars a year right
out of high school. You won't be a vice president
with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4......If you think your
teacher is tough, wait till you get
a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5......Flipping burgers
is not beneath your dignity. Your
grandparents had a different word for burger flipping;
they called it opportunity.
RULE 6......If you mess up, it's
not your parents' fault, so don't
whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
RULE 7......Before you were born,
your parents weren't as boring
as they are now. They got that way from paying your
bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk
about how cool you are. So before you save the rain
forest from the parasites of your parents' generation,
try "delousing" the closet in your own room.
RULE 8......Your school may have
done away with winners and losers,
but life has not. In some schools they have abolished
failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you
want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the
slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9......Life is not divided
into semesters. You don't get
summers off and very few employers are interested in
helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
RULE 10.....Television is NOT
real life. In real life people
actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
RULE 11.....Be nice to nerds.
Chances are you'll end up working
for one.
\\\//
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Subj: Bill
Gates' Message Is Not Bill's (S343)
Researching this on snopes.com
yielded the following at
http://www.snopes.com/language/document/liferule.htm
This list is the work of Charles
J. Sykes, author of the book
Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American
Children Feel Good About
Themselves But Can't Read, Write,
Or Add. (The list has
appeared in newspapers, although
not necessarily in this book.)
Many versions of this list omit
the last three rules:
Rule No. 12: Smoking
does not make you look cool. It makes
you look moronic. Next time
you're out cruising, watch an 11-
year-old with a butt in his
mouth. That's what you look like
to anyone over 20. Ditto
for "expressing yourself" with purple
hair and/or pierced body parts.
Rule No. 13: You
are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12.) If you
are under the impression that
living fast, dying young and
leaving a beautiful corpse is
romantic, you obviously haven't
seen one of your peers at room
temperature lately.
Rule No. 14: Enjoy
this while you can. Sure parents are a
pain, school's a bother, and
life is depressing. But someday
you'll realize how wonderful
it was to be a kid. Maybe you
should start now. You're welcome.
\\\//
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Subj: Pack
It In! Happy New Year! (S151)
From: Anaise on 12/20/1999
Pack It In!
By Geoff
Nunberg
Language
Commentary, "Fresh Air,"
December
20, 1999
Before we start on the carousin'
On the eve of year two thousan',
Let's clean out our linguistic
closets
Of their detritus and deposits,
The babble, balderdash, and bugs
That rankle underneath the rugs
With solecisms, slang, and slag,
And sweep it all into a bag.
Then, as the afternoon gets late,
Let's gather on the Golden Gate,
And with one stroke, bold and
defiant,
Make English Y2K compliant.
Let's clear out our congested
cargo
Of business cant and corporate
argot.
We'll ditch proactive for a
starter,
And "We don't work harder, just
work smarter"
Lose sight of visions, goals
and missions,
And pitch out value propositions.
Synergistic or synergetic? --
Either one gives me a headache,
And the concept of convergence
Is in need of some submergence.
Consign restructure to the void,
And downsize should be redeployed.
At least, the next time we get
canned,
We'll know exactly where we
stand.
Let's lose "win-win," that favorite
phrase
Of all the Harvard MBA's,
And cast on the outgoing tide
The box they like to think outside,
In hopes that in the coming
age,
We'll all be on a different
page.
It wasn't very long ago
The Internet was comme il faut,
And only the most avant-garde
Had @-signs on their business
card.
But now that even aunt Estelle
Has got herself a url,
And Vinnie at the barber shop
Made millions on his first-day
pop,
We've reached the point where
talking geekish
Is starting to sound so last
weekish.
Emoticon and digerati
Aren't worth a wooden zloty.
To portal we can give the gate,
Mindshare will do for tuna bait,
And since you asked, IMHO,
Those email acronyms should
go.
And ere the sun sets, let us
jettison
Newbie, netiquette, and netizen,
Nor should we miss this opportunity
To deep-six "virtual community,"
e-this, i-that, and without qualm,
Let's unplug everything.com.
On literary critics' patois
I think we must declare a fatwah;
It's hard to part with hegemonic,
But in the end you'll find it
tonic.
Think how much groovier texts
are rendered
When they're just sexed instead
of gendered,
And curling up at bedtime, who
wants
To be holding something nuanced?
Of that chic expression "pomo,"
I'd just as soon that we heard
no mo',
Nor any others of the host
Of vocables prefixed with post-.
We seem to be, for all our fears,
Still modern after all these
years.
I'm sure that ages hence will
honor us
If we stop cooking up new genres,
Let's spare the coming centuries
Prequels and rockumentaries,
And pause not even for a comma
Before discarding "docudrama."
And ere the clock chimes, let
us vow
That critics twenty years from
now
Will earn themselves an instant
wedgie
Whenever they use "taut" or
"edgy."
Before we can put on our nightcaps,
We've other words to feed the
whitecaps:
Let's leave off calling rumors
"buzz,"
And blow off anyone who does.
"Wake up call" has gotten thin
--
Next year we'll all be sleeping
in.
And anything you feel like sharing
Kindly offer to the herring.
And as we're chucking out the
dross,
Make sure we don't neglect to
toss
Those interjections, coy and
clever --
Like "Let's not go there," and
"whatever!"
(And while we're at it, do I
gotta
Even mention "yadda yadda"?)
Arrivederci to "ExCUSE me";
You simply no longer amuse me.
Farewell to "Duh!," and, apropos,
Let's say buh-bye now to "hellO?"
Now as we watch the century go
out,
There's only one more thing
to throw out:
Let's cast onto the coastal
shelf
The word millennium itself
(I'm glad to bid that one adieu
--
The fact is that I never knew
If it should have one n or two.)
And as night falls on the Presidio,
Let's all go home and watch
a video,
To pass the century's final
hour
(That is, assuming we've got
power).
-- From freshair.com
\\\//
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Subj: Three
Boys Brag About Father's Speed (S140)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 10/07/1999
(Also see 'Whose
Father Is Fastest?' in KIDS2)
Three boys are in the schoolyard
bragging of how great their
fathers are. The first
one says: "Well, my father runs the
fastest. He can fire an
arrow, and start to run, I tell you,
he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You
think that's fast! My father is
a hunter. He can shoot
his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the
other two and shakes his head. He
then says: "You two know nothing
about fast. My father is a
civil servant. He stops
working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!
\\\//
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Subj: 27 Signs
You've Had Too Much Of The 90's (S139, S395b)
From: FrankRoesc on 09/30/1999
and
From: Imogenelumen on 8/20/2004
1. You try to enter
your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list
of 15 phone numbers to reach
your family of 4.
4. You e-mail your
colleague at the desk next to you to ask
if they're ready to go to lunch.
5. You chat on-line
regularly with a stranger from the U.S.,
but you haven't spoken to your next-door-neighbor yet this
year.
6. Your reason
for not staying in touch with friends is that
they do not have an e-mail address.
7. Your idea of
being organized is multiple colored
post-it notes.
8. You hear most
of your jokes via e-mail rather than in person.
9. When you go
home after a long day at work you still answer
the phone in a business manner.
10. When you make
phone calls from home you accidentally dial
"9" to get an outside line.
From: gheckman on 6/18/00
11. You now think of three
espressos as "getting wasted."
12. You call your son's
beeper to let him know it's time to eat.
He
emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
13. Your daughter sells
Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
14. You didn't give your
valentine a card this year, but you
posted
one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
15. Your daughter just
bought a CD of all the records your
College
roommate used to play.
16. You check the ingredients
on a can of chicken noodle soup
to
see if it contains Echinacea.
17. You checked your blow-dryer
to see if it was Y2K compliant.
18. Your grandmother clogs
up your e-mail inbox asking you to
send
her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a
screen
saver.
19. You pull up in your
own driveway and use your cell phone to
see
if anyone is home.
20. Every commercial on
television has a web-site address at
the
bottom of the screen.
21. You buy a computer
and a week later it is out of date and
now
sells for half the price you paid.
22. The concept of using
real money, instead of credit or debit,
to
make a purchase is foreign to you.
23. Cleaning up the dining
room means getting the fast food bags
out
of the back seat of your car.
24. You consider second-day
air delivery painfully slow.
25. Your dining room table
is now your flat filing cabinet.
26. You're reading this.
27. Even worse; you're
going to forward it to someone else.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj: Short
Job Jokes
| Subj:
Worker's Favorite Sports (S106, S568)
From: ipkis on 97-10-11 and From: darrellvip on 12/7/2007 |
 |
Top
Subj: Short
Human Relationship Training (S265b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 2/24/2002
Here you have the shorter Human
Relationship training
for anybody. Just need
to practice this:
6 most important words:
I admit I made a mistake.
5 most important words:
You've made a great job.
4 most important words:
What do you think?.
3 most important words:
Do you mind if...
2 most important words:
Thank You.
...and the MOST important word of all:
WE
Top
Subj: Boss
And Secretary On A Train (S253)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/2/2001
Mr.Johnson and his secretary
are on a train to Paris. They
are just about to go to sleep
when the secretary, who has
the hots for her boss says in
a seductive voice, I'm a
little cold, could I borrow
your blanket? The man says
how would you like to be Mrs.
Johnson for awhile? The
secretary jumps at the chance
and begins to get out of
bed. Then he replies,
"Good, then you can get your own
damn blanket."
Top
Subj: Security
Bulletin (S248)
From: coreymac on 10/30/2001
Building Security has notified
us that there have been 4
suspected terrorists working
at our office. Three of
the four have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and
Bin Drinkin have been taken
into custody. Security
advised us that they could find
no one fitting the description
of the fourth cell member,
Bin Workin, in the office.
Police are confident that anyone
who looks like he's Bin
Workin will be very easy to
spot.
Top
Subj: Confused
Owner Seeks Math Help (S247)
From: drribeiro on 10/26/2001
The owner of a golf course in
Alabama was confused about
paying an invoice, he decided
to ask his secretary for
some mathematical help. He called
her into his office
and said "You graduated from
the University of Florida.
If I were to give you $20,000,
minus 14%, how much would
you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment,
then replied, "Everything
but my earrings."
Top
Subj: Corporate
Mergers (S185)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #320 08/13/200
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil
deal and the AOL/Time Warner
implode, I wanted to make you
aware of the next expected
mergers so you can get in on
the ground floor and make some
BIG bucks. Watch for these
consolidations in late 2002
and make yourself a bundle.
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary
Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush
and W. R.
Grace Co. will merge and become Hale, Mary,
Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner
Bros. and Zesta Crackers join
forces and
become...Polly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as MMMGood.
4. Zippo Mfg., Audi Motor Car,
Dofasco and Dakota Mining
will merge
to become, of course, ZipAudiDoDa.
5. Federal Express is expected
to join its major
competitor,
UPS, and consolidate as Fed UP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and
Honeywell Computers will
become Fairwell
Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants
are expected to become
Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the
Nat'l Org. of Women will
become Knott
NOW!
9. Xerox and Wurlitzer are going
to merge and make
reproductive
organs.
10. Denison Mines and Alliance
and Metal Mining:
Mine, All
Mine.
11. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi
and Dofasco ? Dakota Mining:
Zip Audi
Do-Da.
Top
Subj: The
CEO Uses The Shredder (S162)
From: KMacinty on 2/28/00
A young executive was leaving
the office late one evening when
he found the CEO standing in
front of a shredder with a piece of
paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this
is a very sensitive and important
document here, and my secretary
has gone for the night. Can you
make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed
the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said
the CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine. "I
just need one copy."
Top
Subj: Bank
President Explains Success (S152)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 12/29/1999
"Sir, what is the secret of
your success?" a reporter
asked a bank
president.
"Two words"
"And, Sir,what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"And how do you make right decisions?"
"One word."
"And,sir, What is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words"
"And, Sir,what are they?"
"Wrong decisions"
Top
Subj: Woman
Asks About A Job (S147)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 11/25/1999
A woman walked up to the manager
of a department store.
"Are you hiring any help?" she
asked.
"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."
"Then would you mind getting
someone to wait on me?" she asked.
Top
Subj: The
Aim Of Every Employee (S133)
From: smiles on 8/17/99
It should be the aim of every
good employee
To keep an eye open to problems
that may arise,
To consider what must be done,
And to take whatever action
is necessary
To prevent or correct these
problems.
But, when you are up to your
Ass in alligators,
It's hard to remember that you
are there to
Drain the swamp.
Top
Subj: Secretary
Tells Boss Bad News (S127)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/3/99
A secretary walked into her
boss's office and said, "I'm afraid
I've got some bad news for you."
"Why do you always have to give
me bad news?" he complained.
"Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news,"
said the secretary. "You're
not sterile."
Top
Subj: Life
After Death (S227)
From: RFSlick on 98-05-20
"Do you believe in life after
death?" the boss asked one
of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said.
"After you left early
yesterday to go to your grandmother's
funeral, she
stopped in to see you."
Top
Subj: Office
Prayer: (S86)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #216 on 98-09-13
Grant me
the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off
And also,
help me to be careful of the toes I step on today,
As they may be connected to
the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
 |
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