(Includes 37 jokes and articles)
Click "Here" for Judge-Supp
Gavel from
Deitz & Associates
| Subj:
Judge Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 37 jokes and articles) Click "Here" for Judge-Supp |
|
Gavel from Deitz & Associates |
Also see BASKETBALL - 'Father
Sues High School Basketball Coach'
BEAR file - 'Three
Bears Go To Court'
BLONDE2 file - 'Blonde
Vs Roe & Wade'
BIRDS file - 'Man
Tried For Killing Bald Eagle'
CANADIAN file- 'Identity
Thieves Steal House'
CARTOON file - 'Mickey
& Minnie In Divorce Court'
DRINKINGBEER1- 'Hydrogen
Beer'
ELDERLY2-SUPP- 'Max
And Wally Met In The Park'
FACTS3 file - 'Crimewatch
Cup:'
FACTS5 file - 'Outrageous
Recent Court Cases'
FARMER1 file - 'Farmer
Sues Railroad Over Missing Cow'
......................-
'Farmer
And Truck Driver Have An Accident'
FIREMAN file - 'Short Firefighter'
FROG file - 'Golfer
And Talking Frog'
IRISH1 file - 'Irish
Wife Wants A Divorce'
ITALIAN file - 'Fathers
Must Support Adult Kids'
JEWISH2 file - 'Jewish
Couple Get A Divorce'
LAWYER1 file - 'Defence
Attorney Vs Doctor'
......................-
'Lawyer
Questions Drug Witness'
......................-
'Murder
Trial'
MARRIAGE5 - 'Should
I Lie In Court?'
MARRIAGE3 - 'British
Wife's Revenge On Husband'
PENIS1 file - 'Canadian
Sex Criminals'
PIG file - 'Going
To Jail Over Pig Toys'
PHONE file - 'Suing
Telemarketers'
POLICE2 file - 'Lawyer
Cross-Examins Cop'
PREGNANT file- 'Baby
Sues Over Pregnancy'
SEX2 file - 'Sex
Laws'
SCHOOL3 file - 'Teacher
Arrested'
TRAINS file - 'Boy
Sues Rail Authority'
WAITER-Waitrs- 'Shoe
Shop Next To French Restaurant'
......................-
'Waitress
Sued Hooters Restaurant'
WEDDING file - 'Irish
Wedding Turns Into A Fight'
============================================================Top
Subj: Young
Driver Sues (S243b)
From: jerry on 9/26/2001
An 18-year-old driver who fell
asleep at the wheel of his
Chevrolet S-10 Blazer SUV, who
had a blood alcohol level
illegal for his age, who was
travelling at 70 MPH when the
SUV crashed and rolled over,
and who admitted responsibility
for the accident, was never
the less awarded $18 million on
his claim that GM should make
car roofs which can withstand
a 70 MPH crash and roll by inebriated
teenagers when his
attorney convinced the court
to exclude his blood alcohol
level as evidence for use by
the defendant on the grounds
that the boy admitted his responsibility.
For those of you
who prefer to use the phrase
''system of justice'' when
talking about the U.S. legal
system.
ATLA Law Reporter, (May)
\\\//
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Subj: Supreme
Court's KKK Ruling (S228)
From: KMACINTY on 6/6/2001
I love passing on great pieces
of news. (This, I'm told,
comes from the Durham Herald-Sun,
columnist Carl Daniels-
Kinney.) The case is Yarnell
vs. Cuffley. The Supreme
Court denied certiorari, which
means they would not hear
Missouri's appeal, letting a
lower court decision stand.
Therefore, no opinion was issued,
nothing was put into
writing, and there was no dissent.
Interestingly, the ACLU joined
with the KKK in the same
side on the case. 28 other
states joined Missouri's side.
The ruling was that the state
of Missouri cannot discriminate
against the Ku Klux Klan when
it comes to groups that want to
participate in the adopt-a-highway
program. Of course, while
the name of the Klan is aesthetically
disgusting, this
decision is considered a victory
for free speech and equal
protection under the law (which
is why the ACLU approved of
the decision).
Well, the Dept of Transportation
in Missouri has gotten
their revenge, and boy is it
sweet. Sure, they can't remove
the KKK's adopt-the-highway
sign, but few would dispute the
state's ability to name the
highway itself.
The KKK is now cleaning up a
stretch of the newly christened
Rosa Parks Freeway! Don't
you just love it!
\\\//
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Subj: Couple
Fight For Custody Of Child (S210)
From: RFSlick on 2/3/2001
The scene was a tiny mountain
village in a remote section
of West Virginia. An old
mountaineer and his young wife
were getting a divorce in the
local court, but custody of
the children was a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet
and protested to the judge that
since she had brought the
children into this world, she
should retain custody of them.
The old mountaineer also wanted
custody of the children.
The judge asked for his side
of the story and, after a long
moment of silence, the mountaineer
slowly rose from his chair
and said, "Judge, when I put
a dollar in a vending machine
and a Pepsi comes out, does
the Pepsi belong to me or to the
machine?"
\\\//
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Subj: Youth
Assaults Old Woman (S208)
From: RFSlick on 1/23/2001
You're Never too Old
Defense Attorney: What is your
age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years
old.
Defense Attorney: On the first
day of April last year, will
you tell
us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was,
sitting there in my swing on
my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young
man comes
creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know
him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he
sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened
after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started
to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop
him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't
stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good.
Nobody had done that since
my Abner
passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened
next?
Little Old Woman: He began to
rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop
him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did
not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your
Honor, his rubbing made me feel
all alive
and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened
next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was
feeling so spicy that I just
spread my
old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man,
Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take
you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no.
That's when he yelled, "April
Fool!"
And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!"
\\\//
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Subj: Judge
Sentences School Teacher (S187)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 08/25/2000
In the traffic court of a large
Midwestern city, a young
lady was brought before the
judge to answer for a ticket
given her for driving through
a red light. She explained
to his honor that she was a
school teacher and requested
an immediate disposal of her
case so she could get to the
school on time.
A wild gleam came into the judge's
eyes. "You're a school
teacher, eh?" he said. "Madam,
I shall realize my lifelong
ambition. I've waited years
to have a school teacher in this
court. Now sit down at
that table and write 'I will not
drive through red lights' 500
times!"
\\\//
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Subj: Man
Goes To Court For Traffic Ticket (S180)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/13/00
A New York man was forced to
take a day off from work to appear
for a minor traffic summons.
He grew increasingly restless as
he waited hour after endless
hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late
in the afternoon, he stood before
the judge only to hear that
court would be adjourned for the next
day and he would have to return.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His Honor, equally irked by a
tedious day and the sharp query,
roared, "Twenty dollars contempt
of court. That's what for!"
Then, noticing the man checking
his wallet, the judge said,
"It's all right. You don't have
to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just
seeing if I have enough for
two more words!"
\\\//
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Subj: Top
20 Arguments in Microsoft's Appeal (S177)
From: Anaise on 6/18/00
Source: http://www.topfive.com
20> Your Honor, all of our arguments
have been posted on
www.judgeswifenaked.com.
19> But I appeared in a commercial
wearing a sweater! Would
an evil overlord
of an industry-crippling monopoly appear
on TV wearing
a *sweater*?
18> Okay, let me get this straight:
You're saying you want
us to have
*two* monopolies instead of one?!?
17> Her first name ain't Baby,
it's Janet -- Miss Reno if
you're nasty!
16> Continue with this foolishness,
mortal, and I will be
forced to
unleash the vengeance of my 500-foot metal
battle-robot,
Mechasoft!
15> This court has performed
an illegal operation and will
be shut down.
[Close] [Details]
14> Splitting the company would
leave the whole world
domination
thing wide open for Oprah.
13> Our reasons for appealing
this judgement are myriad and
a bit complicated
to explain because you people are --
no offense
-- WAY too stupid to understand.
12> Isn't anyone at all concerned
that McDonalds sells
breakfast
AND lunch?
11> Once we start splitting,
there'll be no end to it. We'll
continue
multiplying and dominating every market we enter.
Beware the
tribble factor!!
10> We've got fifteen million
reasons to throw out this case --
in small,
unmarked bills.
9> Divestiture will restrict
the free flow of pornography
guaranteed
to all Americans by the Bill of Rights.
8> If Windows and our applications
can't work together, the
system may
become unstable and prone to crashing... Ha!!
Just a little
humor, Your Honor!!
7> Let me explain it this way,
Your Honor: as part of Microsoft's
endless commitment
to serving the needs of its users, we track
all traffic
to www.humongous-asses.com. Do you catch my drift,
gavelman778?
6> Lay off or the animated paperclip gets it!
5> We've begun the split, Your
Honor, by appointing Donato the
head of one
company and Marisleysis the head of the other.
4> Immunity from prosecution
was clearly stipulated in Mr.
Gates's blood
contract with Satan.
3> A split would force Microsoft
to release some of its geeks
back into
the wild, making America 90% less sexy.
2> Mr. Gates agrees to remove
the helmet, breathing apparatus
and cape,
and refrain from strangling or hurling heavy
equipment
at his adversaries. In exchange, he gets to keep
the Death
Star.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Argument
in Microsoft's Appeal...
1> Two companies would mean
Melinda
would have to sleep with
Bill twice
each year to retain her stock options.
\\\//
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Subj: Judge
Sees Woman About Divorce (S166)
From: smiles on 04/03/2000
A judge was interviewing a woman
regarding her pending divorce,
and asked, "What are the grounds
for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres
and a nice little home in
the middle of the property with
a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is
the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick
and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What
are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living
here in town, and so do
my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a
large carport and have
never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is
there any infidelity in your
marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter
have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily like the music,
but the answer to your questions
is 'yes'."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about
twice a week he gets up earlier
than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the
judge asked, "Lady, why do you
want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce,"
she replied. "I've never
wanted a divorce. My husband
does. He said he can't
communicate with me."
\\\//
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Subj: Man
Bribes Judge With Cigars (S140, S491c)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 10/07/1999 and 6/19/2006
A defendant in a lawsuit involving
large sums of money was
saying to his lawyer, "If I
lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the
judge a box of cigars?" asked
the defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer.
"This judge is a stickler for
ethical behavior. A stunt
like that would prejudice him
against you. He might
even find you in contempt of the
court. In fact, you shouldn't
even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the
judge rendered a decision
in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the
courthouse, he said to his lawyer,
"Thanks for the tip
about the cigars. It worked."
"I'm sure we would have lost
the case if you'd sent them,"
said the lawyer.
"But I did send them," said the defendant.
"What?? You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the
cheapest cigars that I could find
to the judge, but enclosed the
plaintiff's business card..."
\\\//
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Subj: Man
Collects For Insured Cigars (S79, S539)
From: Tom_Adams on 98-07-29
and
From: SCOTCOB on 5/13/2007
A Charlotte, North Carolina man,
having purchased a case of
rare, very/expensive cigars,
insured them against . . .
(get this) . fire. Within
a month, having smoked his entire
stockpile of fabulous cigars,
and having yet to make a single
premium payment on the policy,
the man filed a claim against
the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he
had lost the cigars in "a series
of small fires." The
insurance company refused to
pay, citing the obvious reason
that the man had consumed the
cigars in a normal fashion.
The man sued . . . and won.
In delivering his ruling, the
judge stated that since the
man held a policy from the company
in which it had warranted
that the cigars were insurable,
and also guaranteed that it
would insure the cigars against
fire, without defining what
it considered to be "unacceptable
fire," it was obligated
to compensate the insured for
his loss. Rather than endure
a lengthy and costly appeal
process, the insurance company
accepted the judge's ruling
and paid the man $15,000 for the
rare cigars he lost in "the
fires."
*** This is the funny part ***
After the man cashed his check,
however, the insurance
company, had him arrested on
24 counts of arson. With his
own insurance claim and testimony
from the previous case
being used as evidence against
him, the man was convicted
of intentionally burning the
rare cigars and sentenced
to 24 consecutive one year terms.
This is a false Urban Legend.
See the following site for
details http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp.
\\\//
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Subj: Two
Amazing Court Transcripts (S74)
From: ossama on 98-07-02
Here are two classic Court transquips.
CLERK:
Please repeat after me:
"I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty
God."
CLERK: "That the evidence
that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat
what I said.
WITNESS: What you said
when?
CLERK: "That the evidence
that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence
that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the
truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and
nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat
after me: "Shall be the truth
and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar,
you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate
that. Just repeat after me: "Shall
be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the
truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay.
(Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't
say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the
truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say:
"Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do
so.
WITNESS: You're confusing
me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing
but the truth...".
WITNESS: Is that all?
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay.
I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the
truth..."
WITNESS: But I do!
That's just it.
CLERK: You must say:
"Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing
but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat
these four words: "Nothing", "But",
"The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What?
You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now.
Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing.
But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not
a scholar.
-----------------------------------------------------------
LAWYER: On the morning
of July 25th, did you walk from the
farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result,
you passed within a few yards of the duckpond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe
anything?
WITNESS: I did.
(Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you
tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George
*******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell
the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes.
(Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you
kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing
stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know...
His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close
by the duckpond, the light was good, you
were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything
to him?
WITNESS: Of course I
did!
LAWYER: What did you
say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George."
\\\//
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Subj: Exchanges
From Transcripts (S267, S430)
From: ICohen on 3/6/2002
and
From: RFSlick on 4/21/2005
From Disorder in the Court, the
following are actual
exchanges made among folks during
court proceedings.
These were transcribed verbatim
and published by
court reporters - who suffered
the torment of
refraining from giggling while
these exchanges were
taking place. You won't want
to miss the last one!
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
====
Q: What gear were you in at the
moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
====
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does
it affect your memory
at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it
affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give
us an example of
something that
you've forgotten?
====
Q: How old is your son, the one
living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five,
I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with
you?
A: Forty-five years.
====
Q: What was the first thing your
husband said to you
when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
====
Q: Do you know if your daughter
has ever been
involved in voodoo
or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
====
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true
that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next
morning?
====
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year
old, how old is he?
====
Q: Were you present when your
picture was taken?
====
Q: So the date of conception
(of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at
that time?
====
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
====
Q: How was your first marriage
terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it
terminated?
====
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height
and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
====
Q: Is your appearance here this
morning pursuant to a
deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when
I go to work.
====
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies
have you performed on
dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed
on dead people.
====
Q: All your responses must be
oral, OK? What school
did you go to?
A: Oral.
====
Q: Do you recall the time that
you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around
8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead
at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the
table wondering why I
was doing an autopsy.
====
Q: Are you qualified to give
a urine sample?
====
Q: Doctor, before you performed
the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that
the patient was alive
when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting
on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have
still been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that
he could have been alive
and practicing
law somewhere.
\\\//
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Subj: Prosecutor's
First Witness (S62, S583b)
From: Imogenelumen on 9/6/2004
and
From: hellgunner50 on 3/22/2008
A small town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness
to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly,
elderly woman. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs.
Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do
know you Mr. Williams. I've
known you since you were a young
boy. Frankly, you've been
a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife,
you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs.
You think you're a rising big
shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never
will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing
what else to do he
pointed across the room and
asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you
know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes
I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too.
I used to baby-sit him for
his parents. And he, too,
has been a real disappointment
to me. He's lazy, bigoted,
he has a drinking problem. The
man can't build a normal relationship
with anyone and his
law practice is one of the shoddiest
in the entire state.
Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped
the courtroom to silence
and called both counselors to
the bench. In a very quiet
voice, he said with menace,
"If either of you asks her if
she knows me, you'll be jailed
for contempt!"
\\\//
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Subj: Laughing
Man Goes On Trial (S273d, S441)
From TNKRTEACH on 97-04-19
and
From: DoctorDebt on 7/5/2005
ONLY IN MERRY OLDE ENGLAND (actual trial)
A young woman who was several
months pregnant boarded a
bus. When she noticed
a young man smiling at her she
began feeling humiliated on
account of her condition.
She changed her seat and he
seemed more amused. She
moved again and then on her
fourth move he burst out
laughing. She had him
arrested. When the case came
before the court, the young
man was as asked why he
acted in such a manner.
His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus
I couldn't help noticing
she was pregnant. She
sat under an advertisement which
read "Coming Soon: The Gold
Dust Twins", then she moved
under one that read "Sloan's
Liniments Remove Swelling".
I was even more amused when
she sat under a shaving
advertisement which read "William
Stick Did The Trick".
Then I could not control myself
any longer when on the
fourth move she sat under an
advertisement which read
"Dunlop Rubber would have prevented
this accident."
\\\//
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Subj: Judge
Gives Second Chance
Two young guys were picked up
by the cops for smoking dope
and appeared in court on Friday
before the judge. The
judge said, "You seem like nice
young men, and I'd like to
give you a second chance rather
than jail time. I want
you to go out this weekend and
try to show others the evils
of drug use and get them to
give up drugs forever. I'll
see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in
court, and the judge said to
the 1st one, "How did you do
over the weekend?" "Well,
your honor, I persuaded 17 people
to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful.
What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor.
I drew two circles like
this...
_
/ \
|
| O
\ _ /
and told them this (the big circle)
is your brain before
drugs and this (small circle)
is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the
judge.
"And you, how did you do?"(to
the 2nd boy) "Well, your
honor, I persuaded 156 people
to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing!
How did you manage to do
that!" "Well, similarly
I draws two circles.
_
/ \
O
| |
\ _ /
I said (pointing to the small
circle) "this is your asshole
before prison."
\\\//
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Subj: Four Boys
Make Trouble At Zoo
The Policeman brought four boys
before the judge. "They were
causing an awful lot of commotionn
at the zoo, Your honor,"
he said.
"Boys," said the judge sternly,
"I never like to hear reports
of juvenile delinquency. Now
I want each of you to tell me
your name and what you were
doing wrong.
"My name is George," said the
first boy, "and I threw Peanuts
into the elephant pen."
"My name is Pete," said the second
boy, "and I threw Peanuts
into the elephant pen."
"My name is Mike," said the third
boy, "and I threw Peanuts
into the elephant pen."
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.
\\\//
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Subj: Carl
Sagan Sues
Apple once had a computer code-named
"Carl Sagan." When the
Cosmos guy heard about this,
rather than being flattered he
demanded they change the code
name, which they did, to "BHA."
When Sagan learned that BHA
stood for Butt-Head Astronomer,
he sued Apple for libel.
Judge J. Baird of the U.S. District
Court for Central
California threw out the case,
writing in his opinion, "One
does not seriously attack the
expertise of a scientist using
the undefined phrase 'butt-head'."
Ah, the old undefined phrase trick.
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Judge Jokes
| Subj:
Andy Rooney On The Supreme Court (S470)
From: cookpat.geo on 1/21/2006 |
 |
Top
Subj: Knock,
Knock Peterson Joke (375)
From my wife Rosie 04/05/2004
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Scott Peterson.
Scott Peterson who?
You're on the jury.
Top
Subj: Murder
Responsibility? (S308)
From: jerry on 12/15/2002
A Palm Beach County, Florida
jury which found a gun
distributor, the original gun
owner and a school board
responsible for the shooting
death of a teacher by a
student while failing to find
the student who stole
the gun and the bullets and
who pulled the trigger,
killing the teacher, at all
responsible for the murder.
WPLG Channel 10 (Florida) 15-Nov-02
via http://www.overlawyered.com
Top
Subj: Nativity
In Washington DC (S296)
From: trumpetz03 on 10/3/2002
The Supreme Court has ruled
that there cannot be a nativity
scene in Washington, D.C. this
Christmas. This isn't for any
constitutional reason.
They simply have not been able to
find three wise man and a virgin
in the Nation's capitol.
There was no problem however
finding enough asses to fill
the stable.
Top
Subj: UK Wife
Files For Divorce (S291b)
From: jerry on 8/28/2002
"My jaw just dropped. I said,
'You dirty bastard, that's
my Sunday lunch'. He was
calm as you like and said, 'It's
all right - we can still eat
it'. I kicked him out."
Comment made by the wife of a
UK man who caught her
husband having sex with a frozen
chicken. She is now
filing for divorce after a 6-month
marriage due to this
and other odd behavior.
UK Sun 27-Aug-02
Top
Subj: Circumcision
Lawsuit (S288b)
From: jerry on 8/5/2002
North Dakota District Judge
Cynthia Rotheseeger has given
the go ahead for a lawsuit filed
by a man against the
doctor who circumcised him as
an infant.
Says an attorney for the plaintiff,
"This is the latest
in a series of warnings to doctors
who still circumcise:
proceed at your peril, because
even if you get parental
consent and do a standard job
of the circumcision, the
child can still grow up and
sue you for taking away part
of his penis.
Men's News Daily 1-Aug-02
Top
Subj: Judge
Releases Man From Jail (S279)
From: jerry on 6/6/2002
Reynaldo Tova-Valdivia who,
two years ago, was ordered
released from a Federal prison
in California by a US
District judge, never the less
continued to remain
unnoticed in jail these past
two years. And nobody
knows why.
He's free now but only because
he sent a letter to the
judge asking the judge to free
him again.
Arizona Republic 3-Jun-02
Top
Subj: Woman
Arrested For Christmas Lights (S262b)
From: jerry on 2/7/2002
A woman in Peoria, Arizona,
while holding her daughter in
her arms, was suddenly approached
by three police officers
who yelled at her to put her
daughter down, who then hand-
cuffed her, arrested her and
threw her in jail because her
husband, having been injured,
had not removed the Christmas
lights around their house within
the required 19 days.
Arizona Republic 28-Jun-01
Top
Subj: Man
Jailed For 15 Years for Bullet (S262c)
From: jerry on 2/7/2002
A man in Lisbon, Iowa, who found
a .22 caliber bullet, put
the bullet in a box in his room,
and left it there until
it was found by police when
they searched his home for
things his ex-girlfriend said
he had that were hers. He
possessed no weapon. He just
had one bullet.
Punishment?
He will serve 15 years in jail
for the crime of having a
bullet. The judge, while
calling the sentence extreme,
said that Federal laws tied
his hands because the man was
arrested before, even though
for crimes where no weapons
were used.
Des Moines Register (21-Jan-02)
Top
Subj: Court
Orders Husband To Do Better In Bed (S248)
From: jerry on 10/29/2001
Some people have problems you
will never have. And some
people experience justice you
will never experience.
A Swaziland court ordered Alfred
Madola to improve his
performance in bed so he can
satisfy both of his wives,
thus ending the feud between
the two women which the
court believes was caused by
their fighting over his
affections. In the words
of the court, it was apparent
that the two women were fighting
over Madola's ''stick.''
The Times of Swaziland via Ananova
24-Oct-01
Top
Subj: Judge
Earns Bonehead Award (S236)
From: bonehead on 8/6/2001
It used to be a disease.
Then it became a disability. And
now alcoholism is a religion,
at least according to Judge
Charles Brieant (bonehead award
winner one) who overturned
a manslaughter conviction because
the killer, who killed
two people in their home while
they slept, made his
admission at his Alcoholics
Anonymous meeting. The judge
says the admission was a form
of "religious communication"
and is protected by the Constitution.
The prosecution will appeal.
Associated Press 1-Aug-01 via
Findlaw.com
Top
Subj: Two
Judges Fight (S216)
From: pns on 3/18/2001
Two judges Steven Plotkin and
Charles Jones had a fistfight
at the courthouse in New Orleans
according to WDSU-TV. The
results were not announced.
[London Daily Telegraph, 2-1-01]
[MSNBC-WDSU- TV, 1-31-01]
Top
Subj: Man
Sued For 'Pig' Statement (S192)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 10/6/00
A man was sued by a woman for
defamation of character. She
charged that he had called her
a pig. The man was found
guilty and fined. After
the trial he asked the judge, "This
means that I cannot call Mrs.
Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call
a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man
asked.
The judge replied that he could
indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson
with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs.
Johnson and said, "Good
afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
Top
Subj: Court's
in Session
From: mbucher on 98-03-15
The following are actual statements
made during a court cases:
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how
do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have
to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might
be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was
your bookie.
A convict broke out of jail in
Washington DC, then a few
days later he accompanied his
girlfriend to her trial
for robbery. At lunch,
he went out for a sandwich. She
needed to see him, and thus
had him paged. Police
officers recognized his name
and arrested him as he
returned to the courthouse in
a car he had stolen over
the lunch hour.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
You have the right to remain
silent. Anything
you say will be misquoted, then
used against you.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #269 on 98-08-28
Did you hear about the two gay
judges that tried each other?
But it was ok, they got each
other off.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #215 on 98-09-12
Jury: Twelve people who determine
which client has the better attorney.
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/23/2002 (S268c)
"Good people do not need laws
to tell them to act
responsibly, while bad people
will find a way around
the laws." -- Plato (427-347
B.C.)
From: igiggle on 6/2/2004 (S383b)
We don't seem to be able to
check crime, so why not legalize
it and then tax it out of business?
-- Will Rogers
\\\//
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 |
Smiley the Judge from
Smiley_Central |