Subj: Lawyer2 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 102 jokes and articles)
Lawyer On Cellphon
from
Animated Cliparts
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Subj: Lawyer2 Jokes (Gz) (Includes 102 jokes and articles) |
|
Lawyer On Cellphon from Animated Cliparts |
Includes: heaven jokes, short jokes,
and question-answer
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Subj: Boy
Chokes On A Quarter (S302b)
From: pns on 11/11/2002
A dad walks into a market with
his young son. The kid is
holding a quarter. Suddenly,
the boy starts choking, going
blue in the face. The
dad realizes the boy has swallowed
the quarter and starts panicking,
shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but
serious looking woman in a
blue business suit is sitting
at a coffee bar in the market
reading her newspaper and sipping
a cup of coffee. At the
sound of the commotion, she
looks up, puts her coffee cup
down on the saucer, neatly folds
the newspaper and places it
on the counter, gets up from
her seat and makes her way,
unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully
takes hold of the boy's
testicles and starts to squeeze,
gently at first and then
ever more firmly. After
a few seconds the boy convulses
violently and coughs up the
quarter, which the woman deftly
catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands
the coin to the father and walks
back to her seat in the coffee
bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his
son has suffered no lasting ill
effects, the father rushes over
to the woman and starts
thanking her saying, "I've never
seen anybody do anything like
that before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?" No," the
woman replies.... "Divorce Attorney."
\\\//
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Subj: Old
Lawyer Wants To Take It With Him (S299)
From: thebartend on 10/23/2002
(See 'Dying
Man Wants To Take It With Him' in FUNERAL)
A stingy old lawyer who had been
diagnosed with a terminal
illness was determined to prove
wrong the saying, "You can't
take it with you."
After much thought and consideration,
the old ambulance
chaser finally figured out how
to take at least some of his
money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go
to the bank and withdraw enough
money to fill two pillowcases.
He then directed her to take
the bags of money to the attic
and leave them directly above
his bed.
His plan: When he passed away,
he would reach out and grab
the bags on his way to Heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral,
the deceased lawyer's wife,
up in the attic cleaning came
upon the two forgotten pillow-
cases stuffed with cash. "Oh,
that old fool," she exclaimed.
"I knew he should have had me
put the money in the basement."
\\\//
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Subj: Lawyer
Riddle (S297b)
From: LABLaughs.com
What kind of clothes do lawyers wear?
x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x
ANSWER
Lawsuits
\\\//
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Subj: The
Spinster's Will (S246)
From: dogbyte on 10/17/2001
An elderly spinster called the
lawyer's office and told the
receptionist she wanted to see
the lawyer about having a will
prepared. The receptionist
suggested they set up an appointment
for a convenient time for the
spinster to come into the office.
The woman replied, "You must
understand, I've lived alone all
my life, I rarely see anyone,
and I don't like to go out.
Would it be possible for the
lawyer to come to my house?"
The receptionist checked with
the attorney who agreed and he
went to the spinster's home
for the meeting to discuss her
estate and the will. The
lawyer's first question was,
"Would you please tell me what
you have in assets and how
you'd like them to be distributed
under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture
and accessories you see
here, I have $40,000 in my savings
account at the bank."
"Tell me," the lawyer asked,
"how would you like the $40,000
to be distributed?"
The spinster said, "Well, as
I've told you, I've lived a
reclusive life, people have
hardly ever noticed me, so I'd
like them to notice when I pass
on. I'd like to provide
$35,000 for my funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for
$35,000 you will be able to
have a funeral that will certainly
be noticed and will leave
a lasting impression on anyone
who may not have taken much
note of you! But tell
me," he continued, "what would you
like to do with the remaining
$5,000?"
The spinster replied, "As you
know, I've never married,
I've lived alone almost my entire
life, and in fact I've
never slept with a man.
Before I die, I'd like you to use
the $5,000 to arrange for a
man to sleep with me."
"This is a very unusual request,"
the lawyer said, adding,
"but I'll see what I can do
to arrange it and get back to
you." That evening, the
lawyer was at home telling his
wife about the eccentric spinster
and her weird request.
After thinking about how much
she could do around the house
with $5,000, and with a bit
of coaxing, she got her husband
to agree to provide the service
himself.
She said, "I'll drive you over
tomorrow morning, and wait
in the car until you're finished."
The next morning, she
drove him to the spinster's
house and waited while he went
into the house. She waited
for over an hour, but her
husband didn't come out.
So she blew the car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom
window opened, the lawyer
stuck his head out and yelled,
"Pick me up tomorrow! She's
going to let the County bury
her!"
\\\//
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Subj: Lawyers
As Test Rats (S185, S327b)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 08/19/2000
and
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/5/2003
At a convention of biological
scientists, one researcher
remarks to another, "Did you
know that in our lab we have
switched from mice to lawyers
for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for five reasons. First,
we found that lawyers are
far more plentiful. Second,
the lab assistants don't get
so attached to them. Third,
lawyers multiply faster in
numbers. Fourth, animal
rights groups will not object to
their torture. And fifth,
there are some things even a
rat won't do.
There is a drawback however;
sometimes it's very hard to
extrapolate the test results
to human beings"
\\\//
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Subj: Lawyer
Goes To Heaven (S315)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/24/2003
Following a distinguished legal
career, a man arrived at
the Gates of Heaven, accompanied
by the Pope, who had
the misfortune to expire on
the same day. They arrived
at the gates of heaven at the
same moment. They spend
the day in orientation, and
as they're getting their
heavenly vestments, the Pope
gets a plain white toga and
wings, like everyone else, and
the lawyer gets much finer
apparel, made of gold thread,
and Gucci shoes.
Then, they get to see where they're
going to live. The
Pope gets what everyone else
gets, a replica of a Holiday
Inn room, and the lawyer gets
an 18 room mansion with
servants and a swimming pool.
At dinnertime, the Pope receives
the standard meal, a
Manischewitz kosher TV dinner,
and the lawyer receives a
fine and tasty meal, served
on silver platters.
By this time, the lawyer is beginning
to suspect that an
error has been made, so he asks
one of the angels in charge,
"Has there been some kind of
mistake? This guy was the
Pope, and he gets what everyone
else gets, and I'm just
a lawyer and I'm getting the
finest of everything?"
The angel replied, "No mistake,
sir. We've had lots of
popes here, but you're the first
lawyer we've ever had."
\\\//
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Subj: Another
Lawyer Goes To Heaven
(Also see 'An
Accountant Goes To Heaven' in HEAVEN2)
A prominent young attorney was
on his way to court to begin
arguments on a complex lawsuit
when he suddenly found
himself at the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter started to
escort him inside, when he began
to protest that his
untimely death had to be some
sort of mistake.
"I'm much too young to die!
I'm only 35!" St. Peter
agreed that 35 did seem to be
a bit young to be entering
the pearly gates, and agreed
to check on his case.
When St. Peter returned, he told
the attorney, "I'm
afraid that the mistake must
be yours, my son. We
verified your age on the basis
of the number of hours
you've billed to your clients,
and you're at least 108."
\\\//
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Subj: New
York Lawyer Goes To Heaven (S276c)
From: http://www.twistedhumor.com/
on 12/20/2000
A New York divorce lawyer died
and arrived at the pearly
gates. Saint Peter asked
him, "What have you done to
merit entrance into Heaven?"
The lawyer thought a moment,
then said, "A week ago, I
gave a quarter to a homeless
person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to
check this out in the record,
and after a moment Gabriel affirmed
that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's
fine, but it's not really
quite enough to get you into
Heaven."
The lawyer said, "Wait!
There's more! Three years ago I
also gave a homeless person
a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel,
who after a moment nodded
back, affirming this, too, had
been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to
Gabriel, "Well, what do
you suggest we do with this
fellow?"
Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong
glance, then said to
Saint Peter, "Let's give him
back his 50 cents and tell
him to go to Hell."
\\\//
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Subj: Lawyer
Meets Satan (S185)
From: ipkis on 97-06-11
and
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #320 on 08/13/2000
The devil visited a young lawyer's
office and made him an
offer. "I can arrange
some things for you," the devil said.
"I'll increase your income five-fold.
Your partners will
love you; your clients will
respect you; you'll have four
months of vacation each year
and live to be a hundred.
All I require in return is that
your wife's soul, your
children's souls and their children's
souls must rot in hell
for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?"
\\\//
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Subj: Doctor
Meets Lawyer On Riviera (S318)
From: ipkis on 97-06-09
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera
met an old lawyer friend
and asked him what he was doing
there. The lawyer replied,
"Remember that lousy real estate
I bought? Well, it caught
fire, so here I am with the
fire insurance proceeds. What
are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember
that lousy real estate I had
in Mississippi? Well,
the river overflowed, and here I am
with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee,"
he asked, "how do you
start a flood?"
\\\//
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Subj: Farmer,
Lawyer And A Used Car
A sweet old farmer had just bought
the best used car he could
afford, and was driving it home.
One of the town lawyers was
hitching a ride by the side
of the road where his BMW had
broken down, and the kind farmer
picked him up. As he
climbed aboard the truck, the
lawyer asked the old man, "How
do you like this new manure
spreader you got here?"
The farmer replied, "Don't know
yet. You're the first load
I've hauled."
\\\//
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Subj: Lawyer's
Vacation
From: humorlist-digest V1 #209 on 97-09-27
For years, the young attorney
had been taking vacations at
a country inn. The last
time he'd finally managed an affair
with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting
few days, he dragged his
suitcase up the stairs of the
inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an
infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write
when you learned you were
pregnant?" he cried. "I would
have rushed up here, we could
have gotten married, and the
baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks
found out about my
condition, we sat up all night
talking and talking, and
decided it would be better to
have a bastard in the family
than a lawyer."
\\\//
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Subj: Exporting
Lawyers To Japan
Lawyers in Japan
Copied from the Sunday Daily
Breeze
Take heart, America. Three
monkey wrenches have been thrown
into Japan's well-oiled economic
machine. It's only a mater
of time before that powerful
engine of productivity begins
to sputter and fail.
What could cause such a sharp
turnaround? High interest
rates? Increased unemployment?
Lower productivity? No,
it's something much more economically
debilitating - and
permanent.
Three American lawyers have become
the first foreign
attorneys permitted to practice
law in Japan. What's more,
two of them are from New York!
The decline has begun.
Japan has one attorney for every
10,000 residents, compared
to the U.S. ratio of one attorney
for every 390 residents.
For every 100 attorneys trained
in Japan, there are 1,000
engineers. In the United
States, that ratio is reversed.
A law that became effective on
April 1 permits foreigners
to practice in Japan for the
first time since 1955.
Already, an additional 20 American
and six British lawyers
have applied for permission
to open practices in Japan.
If anything can slow the Japanese
economy, it's the presence
of American attorneys.
What better way to even our balance
of trade than to send Japan
our costliest surplus commodity?
\\\//
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Subj: Washington
Hunting Laws & Bag Limits (S279)
From: http://www.twistedhumor.com
on 11/3/2000
1. Any person with a valid Washington
State hunting
license may
harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with
traps or deadfalls is permitted.
The use of
currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with
a vehicle is prohibited. If
accidentally
struck, remove dead attorney to roadside &
proceed to
nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase,
herd, or harvest attorneys
from a snow
machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to
shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or
"free Perrier"
for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to
hunt attorneys within 100 yards
of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to
use cocaine, young boys, $100
bills, prostitutes,
or vehicle accidents to attract
attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to
hunt attorneys within 200 yards
of courtrooms,
law libraries, whorehouses, health spas,
gay bars,
ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected
to government office, it
shall be
a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys
must have a state health
department
inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for
a hunter to disguise himself
as a reporter,
drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk,
sheep, accident
victim, bookie, or tax accountant for
the purpose
of hunting attorneys.
Bag Limits
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder
2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor
1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator
4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster
(Female only) 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut
2
6. Honest Attorney
EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat
2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner
2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser
2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender
$100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian
7
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Lawyer Jokes
Top
Subj: A Lawyer
Comes Home Late (S479b)
From: igiggle on 3/25/2006
The lawyer wandered home at
three in the morning. His wife
became very upset, telling him,
"You're late! You said you
would be home by 11:45!"
The lawyer replied, "I'm right
on time. I said I'd be home
by a quarter of twelve."
Top
Subj: Clarence
Darrow Quotation (S467b)
From: igiggle on 12/29/2005
After successfully trying her
case, Clarence Darrow was
embraced by his lovely client,
who thanked him expansively
and desired to know, "How can
I ever thank you?"
"My dear," replied the lawyer,
"ever since the Phoenicians
invented money, there has only
been one answer to that question."
From: darrell94590 on 6/9/2006 (S489b)
"I have never killed a man,
but I have read many obituaries
with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow
Top
Subj: One
Of Abe Lincoln's Law Cases (S404b)
From: igiggle on 9/28/2004
A vengeful man came to lawyer
Abe Lincoln asking him to
sue a man who was living in
poverty for $2.50. When
Lincoln couldn't dissuade the
fellow, he charged him
$10 as a legal fee. Lincoln
gave half of that to the
defendant, who openly confessed
to the debt and paid
the $2.50, settling the dispute
agreeably.
Top
Subj: Roosevelt's
Talk To His Son (S401b)
From: igiggle on 9/22/2004
A man who never graduated from
school might steal from a
freight car. But a man
who attends college and graduates
as a lawyer might steal the
whole railroad.
-- President Theodore
Roosevelt, persuading his son to
become
a lawyer
Top
Subj: Lawyer
Statue (S386)
From: mrx on 6/12/2004
at http://www.ezines4all.com/at200404/003.htm
 |
Top
Subj:
FDA Viagra Study (S317)
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/27/2003
In a recent
FDA study, the United States government
research
physicians who were conducting studies on
test drugs,
administered weekly doses of Viagra to
an equal
number of doctors and lawyers.
While the
majority of the doctors achieved enhanced
sexual
prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.
The US
government researchers are at a loss to explain.
 |
Subj:
Bubba Calles His Lawyer (S298)
From: flovilla on 10/13/2002 and From: DoctorDebt on 12/5/2004 |
| Bubba called his
attorney and asked, "I heard
that people have sued the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer, and McDonald's for making them fat." The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true." The man says, "Well, I'm interested
in suing
The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonald's,
or the
The man says, "Neither, I'm want
to sue
|
 |
Top
Subj: Lawyer
Has Operation (S298b)
From: thebartend on 10/16/2002
A lawyer awakened after a serious
operation only to find
himself in a room with all the
blinds drawn. "Why are all
the blinds closed?" he asked
the doctor.
"Well," the surgeon responded,
"They're fighting a huge
fire across the street, and
we didn't want you to wake up
and think the operation had
failed."
Top
Subj: Lawyers
Are Assholes (S276c)
From: dogbyte on 5/18/2002
A man in a bar stands up and
proclaims, "All Lawyers
are ASSHOLES!"
A man at the front of the bar
stands up and says "Hey!
I resent that!"
So the first man asks, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"NO! I'm an asshole!"
Top
Subj: Pretending
To Be A Lawyer In A Bar (S275c)
From: CatScratch on 12/8/2001
There was a loser who couldn't
get a date. He went to a
bar and asked this one guy how
to get a date. The guy
said, "It's simple. I just say,
I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty
woman and asked her out.
After she said "No," he told
her that it was probably a
good thing because he had a
case early in the morning.
She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?"
He said, "Why,... Yes I am!"
So they went to his place and
when they were in bed,
screwing, he started to laugh
to himself. When she
asked what was so funny, he
answered, "Well, I've only
been a lawyer for 15 minutes,
and I'm already screwing
someone!"
Top
Subj: Man
Visits Lawyer About A Will (S189)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 09/15/2000
A man went to his lawyer and
said "I would like to make a
will but I don't know exactly
how to go about it."
The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".
The man looks somewhat upset
... "Well I knew you were
going to take the biggest slice,
but I'd like to leave
a little to my children too!
Top
Subj: Creative
Defense For Burglary (S182, S457b)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/28/00 and 10/27/2005
A lawyer defending a man accused
of burglary tried this
creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his
arm into the window and
removed a few trifling articles.
His arm is not himself,
and I fail to see how you can
punish the whole individual
for an offense committed by
his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied.
"Using your logic, I
sentence the defendant's arm
to one year's imprisonment.
He can accompany it or not,
as he chooses." The defendant
smiled. With his lawyer's
assistance he detached his
artificial limb, laid it on
the bench, and walked out.
Top
Subj: Terrorists
Attack ABA Convertion (S110)
From: Tom_Adams on 99-02-23
A group of terrorists break
into a conference room at
the Ramada Inn, where the ABA
was holding its annual
convention. More than
100 lawyers were held hostage.
The terrorists threatened that
if their demands
weren't met, they would release
one each hour.
Top
Subj: Drug
Trial And The Neighbor
From: thebartend on 98-05-20
A man was on trial for selling
drugs, and a neighbor was
called as a witness. The defense
attorney asked, "Did you
ever get any cocaine or other
drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir," answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"No sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh - excuse me sir," the witness
said, "but we're
still talking about drugs here,
right?"
Top
Subj: Lawyer,
Doctor, and Diogenes
A lawyer and a physician had
a dispute over precedence.
They referred it to Diogenes,
who gave it in favor of
the lawyer as follows: "Let
the thief go first, and
the executioner follow."
Diogenes went to look for an
honest lawyer. "How's it
going?", someone asked. "Not
too bad", said Diogenes.
"I still have my lantern."
Top
Subj: Man
Goes Into A Bar With An Alligator
A man walked into a bar with
his alligator and asked the
bartender, "Do you serve lawyers
here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give
me a beer, and I'll have a
lawyer for my gator."
A countryman between two lawyers
is like a fish between
two cats. -- Benjamin
Franklin.
Definition of a lawyer: a man
who helps you get what's
coming to him.
Two lawyers are walking down
the street when a beautiful
woman walks by.
"Man," said one of the lawyers,
"I'd love to screw her."
To which the other lawyer replies
"Out of what?"
It has been discovered that lawyers
are the larval stage
of politicians.
I'll never discuss my lawyer's
character in his absence,
so let's discuss his absence
of character! - Michael Lara
There is no doubt that my lawyer
is honest. For example,
when he filed his income tax
return last year, he declared
half of his salary as 'unearned
income.' - ibid
Between grand theft and a legal
fee, there only stands
a law degree.
The trouble with the legal profession
is that
98% of its members give the
rest a bad name.
There are two kinds of lawyers,
those who know the law
and those who know the judge.
There is no better way to exercise
the imagination
than the study of the law.
No artist ever interpreted nature
as freely as
a lawyer interprets the truth.
- Jean Giradoux
Lawyers are the only profession
where the more there are,
the more are needed! - Robert
Lucky, IEEE Spectrum
The defendant who pleads their
own case has a fool for
a client, but at least there
will be no problem with
fee-splitting.
What time is it when you have
three lawyers buried
up to their necks in shit?
Time to get more shit.
Legal business card:
Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe
Attorneys at Law
From: humorlist-digest V1 #209 on 97-09-27
Did you hear that the Post Office
just recalled their latest
stamps? They had pictures
of lawyers on them ... and people
couldn't figure out which side
to spit on.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy,
an honest lawyer and an old
drunk are walking down the street
together when they
simultaneously spot a hundred
dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the
other three are mythical
creatures.
A man walked into a lawyer's
office and inquired about the lawyer's
rates.
"$50.00 for three questions",
replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully
steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your
third question?"
From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97
As your attorney, it is my duty
to inform you that it is not
important that you understand
what I'm doing or why you're
paying me so much money. What's
important is that you
continue to do so. --
Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
From: humorlist-digest V2 #2 on 98-01-02
Visiting a lawyer for advice,
the wife said, "I want you to
help me obtain a divorce.
My husband is getting a little
queer to sleep with."
"What do you mean?" asked the
attorney. "Does he force you
to indulge in unusual sex practices?"
"No, he doesn't," replied the
woman, "and neither does the
little queer."
From: BREWONETO on 98-02-24
It was so cold last winter ...(How
cold was it?) ...
that I saw a lawyer with his
hands in his own pockets.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #78 on 98-03-28
A lawyer's wife dies.
At the cemetery, people are appalled
to see that the tombstone reads,
"Here lies Phyliis, wife of
Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce,
Malpractice."
Suddenly, Murray bursts into
tears. His brother says, "You
should cry, pulling a stunt
like this!"
Through his tears, Murray croaks,
"You don't understand!
They left out the phone number!"
From: humorlist-digest V2 #173 on 98-07-12
Changing lawyers is like moving
to a different deck chair
on the Titantic.
From: auntieg on 98-11-10
Lawyer's creed:
* A man is innocent until proven
broke.
From: homeschooling.guide on 99-01-17
(S103)
As the lawyer slowly came out
of the anesthesia after
surgery, he said, "Why are all
the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the
street," the doctor replied.
"We didn't want you to think
the operation was a failure."
Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.
From: ossama on 99-02-25 (S110)
Jury: Twelve people who determine
which client has
the better attorney
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 3/23/2001
(S216)
Hear about the new sushi bar
that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
From: RFSlick on 8/25/2001 (S239)
And God said, "Let there be
Satan, so people don't blame
everything on me. And
let there be lawyers, so people
don't blame everything on Satan."
-- George Burns
From: dogbyte on 10/17/2001 (S246)
A good lawyer knows the law.
A great lawyer knows the judge!
From: dogbyte on 3/12/2002 (S267c)
If your wife and a lawyer were
both drowning
and you had to choose,... would
you go to
lunch, or would you go to a
movie?
From: dogbyte on 8/6/2002 (S288b)
Despite their other contributions
to our society,
lawyers can still be a great
source of protein.
From: igiggle on 5/18/2004 (S381b)
Any time a man can't come and
settle with you without
bringing his lawyer - look out
for him. -- Will Rogers
From: igiggle on 9/22/2004 (S403b)
I don't think you can make a
lawyer honest by an act of
legislature. You've got
to work on his conscience. And
his lack of conscience is what
makes him a lawyer.
-- Will Rogers
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 10/16/2005
(S456b)
"People are getting smarter
nowadays; they are letting
lawyers, instead of their conscience,
be their guide."
-- Will Rogers
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 4/16/2006
(S482b)
"People are getting smarter
nowadays; they are letting lawyers,
instead of their conscience,
be their guide." -- Will Rogers
From: igiggle on 1/12/2005 (S416b)
A small-town lawyer made a modest
living until another
lawyer moved into his town.
Then they both made a fortune.
Top
Subj: Question
& Answer Lawyers Jokes(S128)
From: collins2 on 7/8/99
Q: What is brown and black and
looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman.
Q: Did you hear about the lawyer
from Texas who was so big
when he died that
they couldn't find a coffin big enough
to hold the body?
A: They gave him an enema and
buried him in a shoebox.
Q: What's the difference between
a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Lawyers get frequent flyer
points.
Q: What's the difference between
a vulture and a lawyer?
A: The lawyer's wingtips come
off.
Q: What is the difference between
a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: A prostitute stops screwing
you when you die.
Q: What do you call a lawyer
with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honour.
Q: What do you call a lawyer
whose gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: What has 4 legs, one arm,
and 'Law Society' cufflinks ?
A: A very happy pit-bull.
Q: What does a lawyer have in
common with a sperm?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million
chance of becoming
a human being.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer
is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between
a dead dog in the road and
a dead lawyer in
the road?
A: There are skid marks in front
of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out
of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Why is it that many lawyers
have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
Q: How many lawyers does it take
to change a lightbulb?
A: One. That will be $90.00,
please.
Q: What do you call skydiving
lawyers?
A: Skeet.
From: humorlist-digest V1 #209 on 97-09-27
Q: What do lawyers use for birth
control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What is the difference between
a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when
you die.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit
sex between lawyers
and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being
billed twice for the same service.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck
can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear
weapons?
A: If one side has one, the
other side has to get one. Once
launched, they
cannot be recalled. When they land, they
screw up everything
forever.
Q: What's the difference between
a female lawyer and
a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: What do you get when you cross
a bad politician with
a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle,
why should you
never swerve to
hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: You're trapped in a room with
a tiger, a rattlesnake and a
lawyer. You
have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
From: BREWONETO on 98-02-24
Q: What do you have when 100
lawyers are buried up to
their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Did you hear that the Post
Office just recalled their
latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of lawyers
on them ...
and people couldn't
figure out which side to spit on.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #55 on 98-03-02
Q: What's the difference between
a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to
jump on a trampoline!
Q: What's the difference between
a porcupine and two lawyers
in a Porsche?
A: With a porcupine, the pricks
are on the outside!
From: auntieg on 98-11-10 (S93)
Q: Do you know what happens
when a lawyer takes Viagra?
A: He gets taller.
From: testalot on 12/15/2002 (S307)
Q: Why are there more lawyers
per capita in Washington D.C.
and why does New
Jersey have more toxic waste dumps
than any other
state?
A: New Jersey got 1st choice.
From: KMACINTY on 1/17/2003 (S311)
Q: What's a will?
A: It's a dead giveaway.
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