Subj: Pilot Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 30 jokes and articles)
Click "Here" for Pilot-Supp
Jet Pilot
from
Big Daddy's Animations
| >>>
Subj: Pilot Jokes (Gz) (Includes 30 jokes and articles) Click "Here" for Pilot-Supp |
|
Jet Pilot from Big Daddy's Animations |
Also see ARABS file - 'Two
Terrorists Get Visas'
BIG-CATS - 'Shade'
BIRDS file - 'The
Penguin Game'
PLANE1 file - 'USAF
Squawks'
......................-
'Plane
Hired To Fly Over Fire'
......................-
'Pilot
Speaks With Mike Open'
......................-
'Pilot
Speaks With Mike Open II'
......................-
(see
whole file)
PLANE2 file - 'The General
And The Screaming Kid'
......................-
'What
Time Is It?'
......................-
'All
Female Flight Crew'
......................-
'Pilot
Lands At Secret Base'
SOLDIER-SUPP - 'Wisdom - From The Military'
STORIES file - 'Two
Great Stories, Story One' in NonJokes
============================================================Top
| Subj:
Who Packed Your Parachutes (S555)
From: darrellvip on 9/7/2007 (Also see 'Who Packed Your Parachutes' below) |
 |
True story as related on many
web pages like
http://homeport.usnaweb.org/parachute.html
\\\//
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Subj: F-16
And C-130 Pilots Show-Off (S506b)
From: hellgunner50 on 9/27/2006
A C-130 was flying on a mission
when a cocky F-16 pilot
flew up next to him. The
fighter jock told the C-130
pilot, "watch this!" and promptly
went into a barrel roll
followed by a steep climb!
He then finished with a sonic
boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked
the C-130 pilot what he thought
of that.
The C-130 pilot said, "That
was impressive, but watch this!"
The C-130 droned along for about
5 minutes, and then the
C-130 pilot came back on and
said "What did you think of
that?"
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What did you do?"
The C-130 pilot chuckled,
"I stood up, stretched my legs,
walked to the back, went to
the bathroom, then got a cup of
coffee and a sweet roll."
\\\//
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Subj: Plane
Needs Latrine Pumped (S472)
From: darrell94590 on 2/2/2006
A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled
to leave Thule Air Base,
Greenland at midnight. During
the pilot's preflight check,
he discovers that the latrine
holding tank is still full
from the last flight. So a message
is sent to the base and
an airman who was off duty is
called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to
the air base and makes his way
to the aircraft, only to find
that the latrine pump truck
has been left out doors and
is frozen solid, so he must find
another one in the hangar, which
takes even mo re time. He
returns to the aircraft and
is less than enthusiastic about
what he has to do. Nevertheless,
he goes about the pumping
job deliberately and carefully
(and slowly) so as to not risk
criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the
pilot stops him and says, "Son,
your attitude and performance
has caused this flight to be
late and I'm going to personally
see to it that you are not
just reprimanded but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task
finished, he takes a deep
breath, stands up tall and says,
"Sir, with all due respect,
I'm not your son; I'm an Airman
in the United States Air Force.
I've been in Thule, Greenland
for 11 months without any leave,
and reindeer's asses are beginning
to look pretty good to me.
I have one stripe; it's two-thirty
in the morning, the temper-
ature is 40 degrees below zero
and my job here is to pump shit
out of aircraft. Now just
exactly what form of punishment did
you have in mind?"
\\\//
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Subj: Pilot
School On Sublimation (S441b)
From: The Joje Station on 7/10,2005
Source: http://www.4degreez.com/jokes/
Some time ago, I was taking a
ground school class for private
pilots. During the sessions
on weather, the instructor wanted
to discuss the concept of sublimation
- the act of going from
a gas to a solid skipping the
intermediate stage(s). e.g.,
frost - water vapor in the air
becoming a solid on surfaces
without first going through
the liquid stage.
Wanting to see if the class had
understood the concept, the
instructor asked if anyone could
provide an example of some-
thing that went straight from
a solid to a gas (expecting
"dry ice" as the answer), a
previously unknown section of my
mind took control of my mouth
and immediately emitted the word
"burrito."
It took the instructor about
10 minutes to regain an academic
composure.
\\\//
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Subj: Flying
With A US Fighter Pilot (S348b, S585c)
From: FridaySilliness on 8/15/2003
and From:
rfslick on 4/5/2008
Biff and the Airplane by Rick Reily, "Sports Illustrated"
"Now this message for America's
most famous athletes: Someday
you may be invited to flyin
the back-seat of one of your
country's most powerful fighter
jets. Many of you already
have:John Elway, John Stockton,
Tiger Woods to name a few.
If you get this opportunity,
let me urge you, with the greatest
sincerity. Move to Guam.
Change your name. Fake your own
death! Whatever you do,
do not go. I know. The U.S. Navy
invited me to try it.
I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was
toast! I should've known
when they told me my pilot would be
Chip (Biff) King of Fighter
Squadron213 at Naval Air Station
Oceana in Virginia Beach.
Whatever you're thinking a Top
Gun named Chip (Biff) King
looks like, triple it. He's
about six-foot, tan, ice-blue
eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling
handshake ... the
kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic
alligators in his leisure
time. If you see this man, run
the other way. Fast. Biff
King was born to fly.
His father, Jack King, was for years
the voice of NASA missions.
("T-minus 15 seconds and counting
..."Remember?) Chip would
charge neighborhood kids a quarter
each to hear his dad. Jack would
wake up from naps surrounded
by nine-year-olds waiting for
him to say, "We have a liftoff."
 |
Biff was to fly me in
an F-14D Tomcat,
a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting air sick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the nextmorning. |
"Bananas," he said.
"For the potassium?" I asked.
"No," Biff said, "because they
taste about the same coming up
as they do going down."
The next morning, out on the
tarmac, I had on my flight suit
with my name sewn over the leftbreast.
(No call sign like
Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot
but, still, very cool.) I carried
my helmet in the crook of my
arm, as Biff had instructed. If
ever in my life I had a chance
to nail Nicole Kidman, this was
it.
A fighter pilot named Psycho
gave me a safety briefing and then
fastened me into my ejection
seat, which, when employed, would
"egress" me out of the plane
at such a velocity that I would be
immediately knocked unconscious.
Just as I was thinking about
aborting the flight,the canopy
closed over me, and Biff gave
the ground crew a thumbs-up.
In minutes we were firing nose up
at 600 mph. We leveled
out and then canopy-rolled over another
F-14.
Those 20 minutes were the rush
of my life. Unfortunately, the
ride lasted 80. It was
like being on the roller coaster at Six
Flags Over Hell. Only
without rails. We did barrel rolls, sap
rolls, loops, yanks and banks.
We dived, rose and dived again,
sometimes with a vertical velocity
of 10,000 feet per minute.
We chased another F-14, and
it chased us. We broke the speed
of sound. Sea was sky
and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we
did 90-degree turns at 550 mph,
creating a G force of 6.5, which
is to say I felt as if 6.5 times
my body weight was smashing
against me, thereby approximating
life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.
And I egressed the bananas.
I egressed the pizza from the night
before. And the lunch
before that. I egressed a box of Milk
Duds from the sixth grade.
I made Linda Blair look polite.
Because of the G's, I was egressing
stuff that did not even want
to be egressed. I went
through not one airsick bag, but two.
Biff said I passed out.
Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one
point, as we were coming in
upside down in a banked curve on a
mock bombing target and the
G's were flattening me like a
tortilla and I was in and out
of consciousness, I realized I was
the first person in history
to throw down.
I used to know cool. Cool was
Elway throwing a touchdown pass,
or Norman making a five-ironbite.
But now I really know cool.
Cool is guys like Biff, men
with cast-iron stomachs and freon
nerves. I wouldn't go up there
again for Derek Jeter's black
book, but I'm glad Biff does
everyday, and for less a year than
a rookie reliever makes in a
home stand.
A week later, when the spins
finally stopped, Biff called. He
said he and the fighters had
the perfect call sign for me. Said
he'd send it on a patch for
my flight suit.
What is it? I asked.
"Two Bags."
To get another perspective on
fighter pilot's thinking, click
'HERE'
for a very cool picture.
\\\//
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Subj: US Air
Force Needs More Recruits (S314)
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/4/2003
The chief of staff of the US
Air Force decided that he would
personally intervene in the
recruiting crisis affecting all
of our armed services.
He directed a nearby Air Force base
that will be opened and that
all eligible young men and
women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing
near a brand new F-15
Fighter, a pair of twin brothers
who looked like they had
just stepped off a Marine Corps
recruiting poster walked up
to them. The chief of
staff walked up to them, stuck out
his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young
man and asked, "Son, what
skills can you bring to the
Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited,
turns to his aide and says,
"Get him in today, all the paper
work done, everything, do
it!"
The aide hustles the young man
off. The general looks at
the second young man and asked,
"What skills do you bring
to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we
don't need wood choppers
in the Air Force, what do you
know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general,
"you are not listening to
me, we don't need wood choppers,
this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes
and says, "So what! I have to
chop it before he can pile it!"
\\\//
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Subj: Australian
Pilot Standards (S298b)
From: jerry on 9/30/2002
The Australian Federal Attorney
General's Department has
ruled that blind and mentally
disabled people can not be
barred from becoming airline
pilots or air traffic
controllers because doing so
breaches anti-discrimination
laws. This means that
pilots, flight navigators, flight
engineers and air traffic controllers
will no longer have
to pass eye and hearing tests
and can have other medical
conditions that could affect
safety.
The Civil Aviation Safety Authority
has filed an "urgent"
application to the Human Rights
and Equal Opportunity
Commission for an exemption
from the Sex and Disability
Discrimination Acts, for obvious
reasons. "Without
[enforceable medical standards]
you would not be able to
guarantee the safety of flights
because you couldn't
guarantee that pilots were safe
to carry out their jobs,"
they say, rather obviously,
at least to some people.
The Daily Telegraph (Australia) 27-Sep-02
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Subj: Redneck
Pilots (S284b)
From: Cypriot on 7/12/2002
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK PILOT IF ...
... Your stall warning plays "Dixie".
... Your cross country flight
plan uses flea markets
as checkpoints.
... You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.
... You've ever used moonshine as AvGas.
... You have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
... Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
... You've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
... You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman Yankee.
... You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.
... The side of your airplane
has a sign advertising
your septic
tank service.
... You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
... You think GPS stands for "Going Perfectly Straight".
... You refer to formation flying as "We got us a convoy".
... Your matched set of luggage
is three grocery bags
from the
Piggly Wiggly.
... You have a black airplane with a big number 3 on the side.
... You've ever fueled your airplane from a mason jar.
... You've got a gun rack on the passenger window.
... You have more than one roll
of duct tape holding
your cowling
together.
... Your preflight includes removing
all of the clover,
grass, and
wheat from your landing gear.
... You figure the weight of
the mud and manure on your
airplane
into the CG calculations.
... You siphon gas from your tractor to put in your airplane.
... You've never landed at an
actual airport though you've
been flying
for years.
... You've ground looped after hitting a cow.
... You consider anything over
100" AGL to be high
altitude
flight.
... There are parts of your airplane labeled "John Deere".
... You've never actually seen
a sectional but have all
of the Texaco
road maps for your flying area.
... You answer all radio calls
from females with, "That's
a big 10-4
little darlin'".
... There's exhaust residue on
the right side of your
aircraft
and tobacco stains on the left.
... You have to buzz the strip to chase off the sheep and goats.
... You use your parachute to cover your plane.
... You've ever landed on the
main street of town to get
a cup of
coffee.
... You fly to family reunions to meet girls.
... You've won the "Barb Wire" award at a spot landing contest.
... Some of your favorite navigation
aids have things
like "Seniors
96" hand painted on them.
... The tread pattern, if any, on your main tires doesn't match.
... Your primary comm. radio has 90 channels.
... You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.
... You put hay in the baggage
compartment so your dogs
don't get
cold.
... Your flight instructor's
day job is at the community
sales barn.
... You've got matching bumper stickers on the vertical fin.
... There are grass stains on your propeller tips.
... There is a brown stained
Styrofoam cup strategically
placed in
your glove box.
... The FAA still thinks you live at your parents' house.
... You think Zulu is an African time zone.
... Your hanger collapses and more than 4 dogs are injured.
... Somewhere on your airplane
is a "I'd rather be
fishing"
bumper sticker.
... You navigate with your ADF
tuned to exclusively
country stations.
... When you go to the airport
cafe, they hand you
biscuits
and gravy instead of a menu.
... You think that an ultralight
is a new sissy beer
from Budweiser.
... Just before the crash, everybody
at the airport
heard you
say, "Hey, y'all watch this!!"
\\\//
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Subj: Who's
Packing Your Parachute (S274d)
From: mjsally on 1/16/2002
(Also see 'Who Packed Your Parachutes'
above)
Charles Plumb was a U.S. Navy
jet pilot in Vietnam. After
75 combat missions, his plane
was destroyed by a surface-
to-air missile. Plumb
ejected and parachuted into enemy
hands. He was captured
and spent 6 years in a communist
Vietnamese prison. He
survived the ordeal and now
lectures on lessons learned
from that experience.
One day, when Plumb and his wife
were sitting in a
restaurant, a man at another
table came up and said,
"You're Plumb! You flew jet
fighters in Vietnam from the
aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk.
You were shot down!"
"How in the world did you know that?" asked Plumb.
"I packed your parachute," the man replied.
Plumb gasped in surprise and
gratitude. The man pumped
his hand and said, "I guess
it worked!"
Plumb assured him, "It sure did.
If your chute hadn't
worked, I wouldn't be here today."
Plumb couldn't sleep that night,
thinking about that man.
Plumb says, "I kept wondering
what he might have looked
like in a Navy uniform: a white
hat, a bib in the back,
and bell-bottom trousers. I
wonder how many times I
might have seen him and not
even said 'Good morning,
how are you?' or anything because,
you see, I was a
fighter pilot and he was just
a sailor."
Plumb thought of the many hours
the sailor had spent on
a long wooden table in the bowels
of the ship, carefully
weaving the shrouds and folding
the silks of each chute,
holding in his hands each time
the fate of someone he
didn't know.
Now, Plumb asks his audience,
"Who's packing your
parachute?" Everyone has
someone who provides what
they need to make it through
the day. Plumb also points
out that he needed many kinds
of parachutes when his
plane was shot down over enemy
territory-he needed his
physical parachute, his mental
parachute, his emotional
parachute, and his spiritual
parachute. He called on
all these supports before reaching
safety.
Sometimes in the daily challenges
that life gives us, we
miss what is really important.
We may fail to say hello,
please, or thank you, congratulate
someone on something
wonderful that has happened
to them, give a compliment,
or just do something nice for
no reason.
As you go through this week,
this month, this year,
recognize people who pack your
parachute. I am sending
you this as my way of thanking
you for your part in packing
my parachute !!! And I hope
you will send it on to
those who have helped pack yours!
Sometimes, we wonder why friends
keep forwarding jokes to
us without writing a word, maybe
this could explain: When
you are very busy, but still
want to keep in touch, guess
what you do - --you forward
jokes.
And to let you know that you
are still remembered, you are
still important, you are still
loved, you are still cared
for, guess what you get ? ---
A forwarded joke.
So my friend, next time if you
get a joke, don't think that
been sent just another forwarded
joke, but that you've been
thought of today and your friend
on the other end of your
computer wanted to send a smile.
\\\//
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Subj: F-15
and C-130 Pilots Argue (S232)
From: thebartend on 7/5/2001
A couple of F-15's are escorting
a C-130 Hercules, and their
pilots are chatting with the
pilot of the transport to pass
the time. Talk comes around
to the relative merits of their
respective aircraft.
The fighter pilots contend that
their airplanes were better
because of their superior speed,
maneuverability, weaponry,
and so forth, and pointed out
the Hercules deficiencies in
these areas.
After taking this for a while,
the C-130 pilot says, "Oh
yeah? Well, I can do a
few things in this old girl that
you'd only dream about."
Naturally, the fighter pilots challenge him to demonstrate.
"Just watch," comes the quick
retort. And so they watch.
But all they see is that C-130
continuing to fly straight
and level. After several
minutes the Hercules pilot comes
back on the air, saying "There!
How was that?"
Not having seen anything, the
fighter pilots reply, "What
are you talking about?
What did you do?"
And the Hercules pilot replies,
"Well, I got up, stretched
my legs, got a cup of coffee,
then went into the back and
took a leak."
\\\//
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Subj: Take
Your Child To Work Day (S399b)
From: Gutterville.co.za
at www.gutterville.co.za/displaycontent.asp?
.............rowid=1218?contenttypeid=2?refpg=displaycontent.asp
 |
\\\//
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Subj: Pilot
Turns Wrong Way While Taxing (S210)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/1/2001
During taxi, the crew of a US
Air departure flight to Ft.
Lauderdale made a wrong turn
and came nose to nose with a
United 727. The irate
ground controller (a female) lashed
out at the US Air crew screaming
"US Air 2771, where are
you going? I told you
to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way;
you turned right on 'Delta'.
Stop right there. I know
it's difficult to tell the difference
between C's and D's
but get it right".
Continuing her lashing to the
embarrassed crew, she was
now shouting hysterically, "God,
you've screwed everything
up; it'll take forever to sort
this out. You stay right
there and don't move until I
tell you to. You can expect
progressive taxi instructions
in about a half hour and I
want you to go exactly where
I tell you, when I tell you,
and how I Tell you. You
got that, US Air 2771??"
Naturally, the 'ground control'
frequency went terribly
silent until an unknown male
pilot broke the silence and
asked, "Wasn't I married to
you once?"
\\\//
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Subj: Pilot-Control
Tower Exchanges (S303b, S538b)
From: RFSlick on 11/21/2002
and
From: SCOTCOB on 5/10/2007
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long
roll out after landing
with his approach speed a little
high. San Jose Tower:
"American 751 heavy, turn right
at the end of the runway,
if able. If not able,
take the Guadalupe exit off Highway
101, make a right at the light
and return to the airport."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unknown aircraft : "I'm fucking
bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft
transmitting,
identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft : "I said I
was fucking bored,
not fucking stupid!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tower : "Eastern 702, cleared
for takeoff, contact
Departure on 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern
702 switching to Departure.
By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some kind of
dead animal on
the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared
for takeoff, contact
Departure on 124.7.
Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental
635, cleared for takeoff,
roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern and we've already
notified our caterers......"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Hare Approach Control: "United
329 heavy, your traffic
is a Fokker, one
o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always
wanted to say this...
I've got the little
Fokker in sight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer
waiting for start clearance
in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground,
what is our start
clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you
want an answer you must
speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am
a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany.
Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful
British accent): "Because
you lost the bloody
war!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10
abruptly stopped, turned
around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait,
it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the
flight attendant, "What, exactly,
was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a
noise he heard in the engine,"
explained the flight attendant.
"It took us a while to
find a new pilot."
\\\//
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Subj: The
Greatest Pilot in WWII (S187)
From: thebartend on 08/29/2000
It seems that a young man volunteered
for military service
during World War II. He
had such a high aptitude for aviation
that he was sent right to Pensacola
Naval Air Station skipping
recruit training.
The very first day at Pensacola
he solos and is the best flier
on the base. All they
could do was give him his gold wings
and assign him immediately to
an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard, he took
off and single-handedly shot
down 6 Japanese Zeroes.
Then climbing up to 20,000 ft., he
found 9 more Japanese planes
and shot them all down as well.
Noting that his fuel was getting
low, he descended, circled
the carrier and came in for
a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed
out and jogged over to the
captain. Saluting smartly
he said, "Well sir, how did I do
on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed
politely, and replied, "You
make one velly, velly selious
mistake!"
\\\//
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Subj: Frankdurt
Traffic Controllers (S107, S349)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #285 on 99-02-13
and
From: DoctorDebt on 10/7/2003
The German air traffic controllers
at Frankfurt Airport were
a short-tempered lot.
They not only expected you to know
your parking location but how
to get there without any
assistance from them.
It was with some amusement that we
listened to the following exchange
between Frankfurt ground
and a British Airways 747 (radio
call Speedbird 206) after
landing.
Speedbird 206: "Good morning
Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear
of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgen, Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground,
I'm looking up the gate
location now."
Ground (with typical impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you
NEVER flown to
Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944. But I didn't stop."
\\\//
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| Subj:
Blind Man And His Dog On A Plane (S95, S578)
From: JOELFALLON on 98-11-21 and From: tom on 2/3/2008 |
 |
You can read this wonderful story by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: ATC
Humour
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
These were given to me by a friend
who's an Air Traffic Controller ...
they are actual transmissions between
pilots and ATC at O'Hare Airport.
Pilot: "Approach, how far from the
airport are we?"
ATC: "N923, the faster
you go the quicker you'll get here."
ATC: "Air Force Four-Five,
it appears your engine has... oh, disregard...
I see you've already ejected."
Pilot: "The first officer says he's
got you in sight."
ATC: "Roger, the first
officer's cleared for a visual approach runway 27..
you continue on that 180 heading and descend to 3000 feet."
Pilot: "Approach, what's the tower?"
(*meaning tower frequency)
ATC: "That's a big tall
building with glass all around it, but that's not
important right now."
Pilot: "How far behind traffic are
we?"
ATC: "Three miles."
Pilot: "That doesn't look like three
miles to us!"
ATC: "You're a mile and
a half from him, he's a mile
and a half from you... that's three miles."
ATC: "The traffic at 9
o'clock is gonna do a little Linda Ronstadt on you."
Pilot: "Linda Ronstadt? What's that?"
ATC: "Well, sir, they're
gonna 'Blue Bayou'."
Pilot: "I can see the country club
down below... looks like there's a lot of
controllers out today!"
ATC: "Yes sir, there are
... they're caddying for DC-10 pilots like you."
\\\//
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Subj: A Farmer,
His Wife, And A Pilot (S20, S538b)
From: bmd on 97-06-11
and
From: Grampsboyd on 1/30/2004
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha
were from Portland, Maine.
Every year they went to the
Portland Fair, and every year
Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha,
I'd like ta get a ride in that
theah aihplane." and every year
Martha would say "I know
Stumpy, but that aihplane ride
costs ten dollahs.... and ten
dollahs is ten dollahs."
So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha,
I'm 71 yeahs old, if I
don't go this time I may nevah
go." Martha replies " Stumpy,
that there aihplane ride is
ten dollahs... and ten dollahs
is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and
says " Folks, I'll make you
a deal, I'll take you both up
for a ride, if you can stay
quiet for the entire ride and
not say ONE word, I won't
charge you, but just one word
and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go....
the pilot does all kinds of
twists and turns, rolls and
dives, but not a word is heard,
he does it one more time, still
nothing... so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come
to a stop and says "By
golly, I did everything I could
think of to get you to
holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies "Well, I was
gonna say something when
Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs
is ten dollahs!
\\\//
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Subj: Blind
Airline Pilots (S22, S477b)
From: Vegas Jokes Archive on 06/27/97
and
From: gattica30 on 3/7/2006
A commercial airline jet was
sitting at the airport waiting
for the pilot and co-pilot to
arrive. Just as the passengers
started to really get restless,
the airline announced that
the pilot and co-pilot had just
gotten in and were on their
way over.
The pair came in through the
rear door and started making
their way up through the plane.
The passengers began
whispering amongst each other
when it became apparent that
the pilot and co-pilot were
looking very blind. Both of
them kept making their way toward
the cockpit, tapping
their red and white sticks against
anything in their path.
The co-pilot even had a seeing-eye
dog pulling him along
the aisles. After they
sat down at the cockpit, the
passengers exchanged a few nervous
laughs and thin jokes
about the safety of the flight.
The engines revved up and the
plane began taxiing over to
the runway. By this time
a few passengers were craning
their necks, trying to see into
the cockpit to see what
the pilots were up to.
When they approached the runway,
the engines grew louder and
louder as the plane went
faster and faster down the runway.
Then the plane
actually went past the take
off speed, but the plane still
was racing down the runway.
The passengers were really nervous
as the end of the
runway drew too close for comfort.
The passengers began
screaming as the end looked
near. Just as the plane
looked like it was going to
crash off the runway, the
plane suddenly took off and
began its ascent.
After the plane was at a safe
altitude, the co-pilot
looked at the pilot and said,
"You know, one of these
days they aren't going to scream,
and then how are we
going to know?"
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Subj: Pierre
The Fighter Pilot (S120, S366b)
From: The Bartender on 07/05/97 and 1/26/2004
and
From: DrRibeiro on 5/21/99
Pierre, a brave French fighter
pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie,
out for a pleasant little picnic
by the River Seine. It's a
beautiful day and love is in
the air. Marie leans over to Pierre
and says "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and
splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?",
says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre
the fighter pilot! When
I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a
little, Marie says, "Pierre,
kiss me lower." Our hero tears her
blouse open, grabs a bottle
of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all
over her chest.
"Pierre! What are you doing?',
asks the bewildered Marie. "I am
Pierre the fighter pilot!
When I have white meat, I like to have
white wine!" They resume
their passionate interlude and things
really steam up. Marie
leans close to his ear and whispers,
"Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs
a bottle of Cognac and pours
it in her lap. He strikes a match
and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into
the river. Standing waist deep, she
throws her arms upwards and
screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN
THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly,
and says, "I am Pierre the fighter
pilot! When I go down,
I go down in flames!"
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Subj: Pilot
Engaged To Two Ladies
One was named Edith; the other
named Kate. They met,
discovered they had the same
fiancee, and told him: "Get
out of our lives you rascal.
We'll teach you that you can't
have your Kate and Edith, too."
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Subj: Lost
pilot Askes Directions
(Also see 'Two
men in a hot air balloon' in MATH2 file)
A HELICOPTER WAS FLYING AROUND ABOVE
SEATTLE YESTERDAY WHEN
AN ELECTRICAL MALFUNCTION DISABLED
ALL OF THE AIRCRAFT'S
ELECTRONIC NAVIGATION ? COMMUNICATIONS
EQUIPMENT. DUE TO THE
CLOUDS AND THE HAZE, THE PILOT COULD
NOT DETERMINE THE COPTER'S POSITION AND
COURSE TO STEER TO THE AIRPORT .
THE PILOT SAW A TALL BUILDING, FLEW
TOWARDS IT , CIRCLED, DREW A
HANDWRITTEN SIGN AND HELD IT IN THE
COPTER'S WINDOW. THE PILOT'S
SIGN READ, "WHERE AM I?" IN LARGE
LETTERS .
PEOPLE IN THE TALL BUILDING QUICKLY
RESPONDED TO THE AIRCRAFT,
DREW A LARGE SIGN AND HELD IT IN A
BUILDING WINDOW . THEIR SIGN
READ, " YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER ".
THE PILOT SMILED , WAVED, LOOKED AT
HIS MAP, DETERMINED THE COURSE
TO STEER TO SEATTLE AIRPORT, AND LANDED
SAFELY .
AFTER THEY WERE ON THE GROUND, THE
COPILOT ASKED THE PILOT HOW
THE "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" SIGN
HELPED THEIR POSITION .
THE PILOT RESPONDED, "I KNEW THAT HAD
TO BE THE MICROSOFT BUILDING BECAUSE,
SIMILAR TO THEIR HELP-LINES, THEY
GAVE ME A TECHNICALLY
CORRECT BUT COMPLETELY USELESS ANSWER
."
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Pilot Jokes
 |
Subj:
Two Letters About A F-16 Flyby (s552c)
From: ginafm on 8/13/2007 Photo from Flickr.com |
| Subj:
Times You Have To Trust Your Pilot (S544)
From: jbcary1 on 6/19/2007 |
 |
Top
Subj: Pilot
And Navigator Talk (S506c)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/5/2006
A pilot was sitting in his seat
and pulled out a .38 revolver.
He placed it on top of the instrument
panel, and then asked
the navigator, "Do you know
what I use this for?" The
navigator replied timidly, "No,
what's it for?" The pilot
responded, "I use this on navigators
who get me lost!"
The navigator then proceeded
to pull out a .45 automatic
and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's
that for?" "To be honest
sir," the navigator replied, "I'll
know we're lost before you will."
Top
Subj: Three
Old Pilots (S305)
From: kmacinty on 12/5/2002
Three old pilots walking on
the ramp, first
one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Lets
go get a beer."
Top
Subj: Young
Foolish Pilot (S185 - From: PILOT)
From: JOELFALLON on 8/11/00
A young and foolish pilot wanted
to sound cool on the aviation
frequencies. So, this
was his first time approaching a field
during darkness. Instead
of making any official requests to
the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field
lights off and replied:
"Guess where!"
Playing cards were issued to
British pilots in WWII. If captured,
they could be soaked
in water and unfolded to reveal a map for
escape.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
For Sale: Parachute. Only used
once, never opened, small stain.
From: auntieg on 98-11-14
The term "the whole 9 yards"
came from WWII fighter pilots in the
Pacific. When arming their airplanes
on the round, the .50 caliber
machine gun ammo belts measured
exactly 27 feet, before being loaded
into the fuselage. If
the pilots fired all their ammo at a target,
it got "the whole 9 yards."
\\\//
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Smiley the Pilot from
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