Subj: Police1 Jokes
(Includes 32 jokes and articles, 20 1050n,8,cf,wXT2a3b,4)
Also see ALLIGATOR
Your Alligator For A Drive'
ACCIDENT1 - 'Rudy The Cat And The Kitchen Sink'
......................- 'Bizarre Forensic Case'
......................- 'Crime Never Pays'
ACCIDENTS2 - 'A New Drug Children have Discovered'
ARKANSAS file- 'Man Arrested For Sex w/Dog'
ASIAN file - 'Elections In India'
.........ASIAN-CHINESE- 'NCIS Chinese Fortune'
.........AUSTRALIAN - 'Australian Gun Control'
BALLS file - 'Man Arrested For Sexual Assault'
BANKING file - 'Identity Theft - NOT A Joke'
BANKING-SUPP2- 'Bank Robbery Gone Wrong!' - Videos
BARBER file - 'Free Haircuts'
BIRDS file - 'Police Burn Marijuana Crop'
BIRD-DUCKS - 'Cock Fighting In Louisiana'
BLONDE1 file - 'Blonde Has A Flat Tire' - Photo
......................- 'Blonde Pulled Over By Highway Patrol'
......................- 'Blonde Stopped By Cop'
BLONDE2 file - 'Blonde Wants To Cross The Street'
CANADIAN file- 'Identity Thieves Steal House'
CARS2 file - 'Bird Hits Car Winshield'
......................- 'Protester Sits In Street'
......................- 'Guy Gets Help During Car Sex'
......................- 'Granny Stops Car Thieves'
CARS-SUPP3 - 'Speed Checked By Radar' - Sign
CHRISTMAS1 - 'Kid Gets Bike For Christmas'
CLOTHING file- 'Tide Gets The Stains Out'
COLLEGE1 file- 'UCF Student Set Dorm Fire To Meet Women'
DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Burgular Dies'
......................- 'Cadet Stabs Fellow Cadet'
DATING1 file - 'Policeman Checks Parked Couple'
DOG2 file - 'Cute Police Bloodhound Photo'
DOG-SUPP - 'A Redneck And His Dog'
DRINKING - 'Drunk Pulled Over By Irish Cop'
ELDERLY1 - 'Highway Patrol Pulls Over Elderly Woman'
ELDERLY2-SUPP- 'Highway Partol Pulls Over Five Ladies'
ENGLISHMAN - 'Photographing Thugs 'Is Assault''
FACTS5 file - 'Teens Rob Bus'
......................- 'Two Sheriffs Arrest Diabetic'
......................- 'Doctor Gets Speeding Ticket'
......................- 'Better Education Would Outlaw Stupid Crooks'
......................- 'Blowing Up The Family Car'
FARNER1 file - 'Farmer And Truck Driver Have An Accident'
FAT file - 'New Police Cars For Mexican City'
FISHING2 file- 'Wife Dies While Scuba Diving'
FUNERAL file - 'Mortician At His Class Reunion'
GOLF3 file - 'Golf Gun Murder'
HALLOWEEN - 'Drunk In The Pumpkin Patch'
HEADLINES-SUP- 'Assailant Suffers Injuries From Fall'
HOSPITAL2 - 'Patrolman Has Operation'
IRISH1 file - 'Drunk Irishman Has His Car Stolen'
ITALIAN file - 'Driving While Italian' - Video
LATIN_AMERICA- 'Man Robs Buenos Aires Gas Station 100 Times'
LIES file - 'Officer Pulls Over Guy For Speeding'
MARRIAGE2 - 'Marrying A Younger Woman'
MATH4-SUPP - 'PUZZLE - Space Patrol'
MOVIES2-SUPP - 'NCIS - Gibbs Rules' - Video
......................- 'NCIS Funny Moments Part 3' Video
NATIONAL2 - 'Joe Friday Lectures Youth' - Video
NUDIST file - 'Drivers Kill Farmer's Chickens'
......................- 'Policeman Breaks Up Women's Party in Israel'
NUNS1 file - 'Car Load Of Nuns Pulled Over By Policeman'
PENIS1 file - 'The Voodoo Dick'
......................- 'Canadian Sex Criminals'
PENIS3 file - 'Police Officer's Deadly Shot'
PHONE-SUPP - 'Telemarketer Nightmare' - Radio
PLANE2 file - 'Police Dog On A Commercial Flight'
POLIT-SUPP2 - 'A Career In Organized Crime'
POPE file - 'The Pope Drives A Car'
PREACHER - 'Minister Parks Illegally'
PRISON file - 'America's Toughest Sheriff'
PROGRAMMER - 'Quiz-Programmer Or Serial Killer'
PSYCHOLOGY - 'Pscyhology Test'
PUSSY-SUPP - 'Driving And Shaving Just Don't Mix'
RABBIT file - 'CIA, FBI, And LAPD Go Rabbit Hunting'
REDNECK3 - 'Rednecks Calls FBI About Marijuana'
SEX file - 'My Name's Friday'
SCHOOL3 file - 'Teacher Arrested'
SCOTTISH - 'Scottish Breathaliser'
TRAIN file - 'Hiding In The Train Bathroom'
WEDD-HNMN - 'Honeymooners Receive Two Tickets'
.........WOMENBETTER - 'She Took The Law Into Her Own Hands'
......................- 'She Took The Law Into Her Own Hands II'
WORD JOKES2 - 'Husband Pays To Have Wife Killed'
Subj: 'Coffee Scene' In Dirty Harry IV (S1006)
From: Ken Krob on Facebook on 4/23/2016
.......Click 'HERE' to see Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry.
Subj: CHP Stops Fred (S451b, S872)
From: darrell94590 on 9/4/2005
and From: AFine963 on 9/20/2013
A California Highway Patrol Officer
stopped a car for traveling
faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood
that day, he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write
him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his
"Fred," he replies. Fred what?"
the officer asks. "Just Fred,"
the man responds.
When the officer presses him
for a last name, the man tells him
that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks
he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long
story so stay with me. I was born
Fred Dingaling. I know it's a funny last name, but kids used to
tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself. I studied hard and
got good grades.
When I got older I realized that
I wanted to be a doctor. I went
through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally
got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got
bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry
was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I
was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I
started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I
was Fred Dingaling , MD, DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about
the VD so they took away my DDS so
I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about
the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away
my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took
away my Dingaling, So now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears
from laughing so hard and tore
up the ticket.
Subj: Defective Radar (S646b)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
and From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/30/2009
Police in Yorkshire were busily
watching for speeding cars
with there mobile radar equipment when their equipment
appeared to malfunction; it began to clock a speeder at
All was revealed a few seconds
later when a low flying
Harrier jumpjet screamed over head.
Police registered a complaint
regarding damaged radar
equipment with the MOD (UK Ministry of Defence). The MOD
replied that the damage could have been worse: the Harrier's
defence systems had latched onto the radar and had gone
into an automatic pre-emptive strike mode before the pilot
decided enemy anti-aircraft activity was unlilkely along
the motorways of northern England...
Chris Rock On Police Ass Kicking (S472d)
From: htharvey.on 1/30/2006 (in Black1 file)
Very funny Chris Rock video on
ass kickings. You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Police Officer Drives By School (S399)
From: LABLaughsClean on 8/24/2004
An off-duty police officer, familiar
with radar speed
checking equipment, drove through a school zone within
the legal speed limit when suddenly the flash of a camera
went off, taking a picture of his license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar
was in error, drove by
again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again
for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
So, he made a note to himself to contact the traffic
department and tell them that their machine wasn't
A few weeks later, the off-duty
police officer received
an envelope from the police department containing three
traffic citations, each of them were for NOT wearing a
Subj: Female Officer Forgets Panties (S313b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/25/2003
Police officer George and officer
Mary had been assigned
to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while
when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning
after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put
on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get
George replied, "We don't have
to go back, just give the
K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for
It was a hot day and Mary didn't
fell like heading back to
the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's
nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.
After 10 seconds of sniffing,
Fido's ears pick up, he
sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the
Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.
Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they
hear sirens in the distance.
The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a
dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk
Sergeant's crotch in his mouth.
Subj: Secret Superman (S917d)
Painted by Domenic Manchester
Source: (Removed from facebook.com/photo)
.........Click 'HERE' to see the original, large painting.
Subj: Police Officer Comes Home Early (S98)
From: thebartend on 98-12-10
A police officer, though scheduled
for all-night duty at the
station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four
hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to
wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bed-
room and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily
sat up and said, "Mike, dearest,
would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next
block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said,
and feeling his way across the
dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist
looked up in surprise, "Say,"
said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman?
Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing
all dressed like the Fire
Subj: Getting A Parking Ticket (S291, S588)
From: coreymac on 8/25/2002
......and From: tom on 4/23/2008
Working people frequently ask
retired people what we do to
make our Days interesting.
Well, for example, the other
day I went downtown to go to
the News Stand for the Wall Street Journal so I could track
my investments. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, 'Come on, man,
don't you have anything better
to do than write a retired person a ticket? Why aren't you
out chasing crooks or child molesters...that's out of your
league, obviously !!!
He ignored me and continued writing
the ticket. I called him
a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having
So I called him 'Barney Fife'.
He finished the second ticket
and put it on the windshield
with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on
for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets
Personally, I didn't care.....
I came downtown on the bus.
The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper
sticker that said 'OBAMA in '08.'
Subj: Traffic Tickets (S90)
From: RFSlick on 98-10-12
THIS IS FOR USA ONLY
I tried to pass this on to anyone
I could think of. I know
for a fact that this works so if you ever get in this situation,
you have an out.
This procedure works in any state.
Read it and try it, you
have nothing to loose but the points in your license.
If u get a speeding ticket or
went through a red light or
whatever the case may be, and you are going to get points on
your license, then there is a method to ensure that you DO NOT
get any points.
When u get your fine, send in
the check to pay for it and if
the fine is say $79, then make the check out for $82 or some
small amount above the fine. The system will then have to
send you back a check for the difference, but here is the
trick! ---DO NOT CASH THE CHECK!!
Throw it away! Points are
not assessed to your license until
all the financial transactions are complete. If you do not
cash the check, then the transactions are not complete. How-
ever the system has gotten its money so it is happy and will
not bother you any more.
Subj: Bizarro Cartoon (S959)
By Dan Piraro on 6/4/2015
Subj: Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?! (S87)
From: FrankRoesc on 98-09-21
In Ohio, an unidentified
man in his late twenties walked
into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his
forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to
help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen.
Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a six
inch deep hole in his skull with a Black ? Decker power drill
and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
Subj: Wife Reports Missing Husband (S83)
From: RFSlick on 98-08-31
A wife went to the police station
with her next-door neighbor
to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked
for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old,
6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark
wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken,
and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested,
"Your husband is 5 foot 4
inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Subj: HP Hits Guy In Head
From: thebartend on 98-08-26
Two guys are driving through
Texas when they get pulled over
by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window
with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and
the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver
says, "Why'd you do that?"
The trooper says, "You're in
Texas, son. When I pull you over,
you'll have your license ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry,
officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check
on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his
license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps
on the window.
The passenger rolls his window
down, and the trooper smacks
him with the nightstick. The passenger says, "What did you
do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wishes come
The cop continues, "I know that
two miles down the road you
are gonna say, 'I wish that guy would've tried that with me.'"
Subj: Taken Down The Evidence (S387)
From: mrx on 6/17/2004
Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Subj: K-9 Unit Responds To Burglary (S147)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #152 on 98-06-23
and From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 11/21/1999
The Baltimore Police Department,
famous for it's superior K-9
unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning
home from work, a woman had been shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once
and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast
the call on the channels, and
a K-9 officer patrolling nearby was first on the scene. As he
approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out
on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come
home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the
police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind
Subj: Demonstration Of Police Dog Work
From: Ossama's Laugh on 6/14/98
"Police and school officials
in an upstate New York town got
more than they bargained for in a program given at the local
high school to demonstrate the force's dogs. The students
were herded into the auditorium and the handlers on stage put
the dogs through their paces. They demonstrated some bite
work, then let some students up onto the stage to pet the
dogs to show that police dogs aren't vicious, they're just
trained to stop bad guys. For a special demonstration, they
announced that there were four bags of pot hidden around the
auditorium and then they let the dogs loose in the room to
find them. By the time they had finished, the dogs had brought
back six bags..."
Subj: Speed Trap With No Speeders (S209)
From: Tom_Adams on 98-05-12
and From: gheckman on 1/28/2001
(See 'Cop Stops Lawyer With Fish' in POLICE2)
A police officer had a perfect
hiding place for watching for
speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit,
the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing
on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which
said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led
the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100
yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a
bucket at his feet, full of change.
Subj: Sheriff Finds Three Bodies (S184)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #21 on 98-01-22
and From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 8/8/00
One day, two deputies in the
Sheriff's Office answered an
emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they
found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom.
They had been shot to death.
When they went to the living
room, they found the body of a
man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy
said to the other. "This was
a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found
his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both.
Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy
replied. "Double murder and
suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's
going to say 'it could have been worse."
"No way. How could it be
worse? There are three people in
the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It could
not be worse. You're on."
About that time, the old sheriff
arrived at the scene. He
walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then
walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with
the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said,
shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This
guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else
and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
After hesitating for a moment,
the old sheriff looked his
deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it
could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet
jumped up and shouted,
"Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three
people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It
couldn't have been worse??"
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted.
"You see that guy there
on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me
in there in that bed!"
Subj: Robbing The Wrong Diner (S958d in Waiter_Etc)
From: AFine963 on 5/24/2015
.......Click 'HERE' to see this cute Glock commercial.
Subj: Three CIA Applicants (S190, S522)
From: feigelmn on 9/21/00
and From: jbcary1 on 1/19/2007
The CIA had an opening for an
assassin. After all of the
background checks, interviews, and testing were done there
were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final
test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will
follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious.
I could never shoot my
wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for
The second man was given the
same instructions. He took the
gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five
minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I
tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have
what it takes. Take your
wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn.
She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went
into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After
a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow,
and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat
him to death with the chair."
Subj: Police, And The Drunk They Can't Test (S163)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #15 on 98-01-16
and From: thebartend on 3/16/00
A police officer pulls over this
guy who had been weaving in
and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says
"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer
I can't do that. I am an asthmatic.
If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you
to come down to the station to give
a blood sample."
I can't do that either.
I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll
bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do
that either. I am also a diabetic.
If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come
out here and walk this white
"I can't do that, officer."
"Because I'm drunk."
Subj: Policeman And The Designated Drunk (S10, S366)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-03-26
and From: BennoRo on 1/28/2004
A Highway Patrolman waited outside
a popular local bar,
hoping for a bust. At closing time, as everyone came out,
he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously
inebriated that he could barely walk.
He stumbled around the parking
lot for a few minutes,
looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others,
he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good
ten minutes, as the other patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then
off, wipers on, then off. He
started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.
Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the
road and started to drive away.
The Patrolman, just waiting for
this, turned on his lights
and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer
test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00!
The Patrolman was dumbfounded!
"This equipment must be
broken!" exclaimed the Patrolman.
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight
I'm the Designated
Subj: Double Parker And The Cop
Compiled by Max Weinstein on 11/15/94
A driver tucked this note under
the windshield wiper of his
automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm
late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose
my job. `Forgive us our trespasses.'"
When he came back he found a
parking ticket and this note:
"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give
you a ticket, I'll lose my job. `Lead us not into temptation.'"
Homeland Security Internet Tracking (S449)
From: MEBHARKINS on 8/22/2005
Source: (Removed from users.chartertn.net)
I just wanted to let you know
that the new Homeland Security
Bill has passed. Things will be different now and Internet
surfing will be tracked by what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive
method." The FBI says you will not notice anything different.
For a demonstration, click 'HERE'.
Subj: Police Pull Over Husband, And Wife Tells All (S290)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #89
and From: RFSlick on 8/23/2002
Police officer pulls over a speeding
car. The Officer says,
"I clocked you at 80 mph. sir." The driver says, "Gee,
officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar
needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the
wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that
this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the
ticket, the driver looks over
at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for
once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be
thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the
second ticket for the illegal
radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says
through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your
The officer frowns and says,
"And I notice that you're not
wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on,
but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get
my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says," Now dear you
know very well that you didn't
have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when
you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out
the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,
"WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the
woman and asks, "Does your
husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Oh heavens
no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
Subj: Police Pull Over Driver (S282b)
From: dogbyte on 6/24/2002
A California policeman pulled
a car over and told the
driver that because he had been wearing his seatbelt,
he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety
"What are you going to do with
the money?" asked the
"Well, I guess I'm going to get
a driver's license,"
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled
the woman in the
passenger seat. "He's a real jerk when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back
seat, who took one look
at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a
At that moment, there was a knock
from the trunk and a
voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
Subj: Man Tries To Outrun A Cop (S83, S686b)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-17
and From: ginafm on 3/9/2010
A man in his 40's bought a new
BMW and was out on the inter-
state for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze
was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided
to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80
mph, he suddenly saw flashing
red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can
catch a BMW," he thought and opened her up further. The
needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit
him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took
his license without a word, and
examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the
end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like
more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your
speeding that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and
says, "Last week my wife ran
off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Subj: Drunk Outside The Bar And The Cop (S23, S549c)
From: Vegas Jokes Archive on 06/27/97
and From: AFine963 on 7/22/2007
Edward walks out of a bar,
stumbling back and forth with a
key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop.
"Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was
your car the last time you
"It was at the end of this key", Edward replies.
At this point the cop looks down
to see that Edwards penis
is hanging out of his trousers. The cop asks Edward, "Hey
buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself? "
Edward looks down sadly and moans,
"OHHH GOD...they got
Julie too!!! "
Subj: Drunk In Parking Lot
From: humorlist-digest V1 #178 on 97-08-22
A drunken man was wondering around
the parking lot of a bar,
bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager
comes out of the bar and stops the guy.
"What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.
"So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager.
"well," replies the drunk earnestly,
"MY car has two blue lights
and a siren on the roof!".
Subj: The Drunk And The Police Car (S418b)
From: vcarlew on 97-09-13
and From: LABLaughsClean on 2/1/2005
True story from Orange County:
A man goes to a party and has
too much to drink. His friends
plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he
only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the
police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of
the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police
radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a
house just a block away.
The police tell the party animal
to stay put, they will be
right back. They run down the street to the robbery. The
guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When
he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to
tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the
flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police
knock on the door. They ask if
Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him
and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been
so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask
to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his
car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where
they find: the police car, with the lights still flashing.
Subj: FBI Orders Pizza (S50)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/5/98
(See 'Ordering A Pizza By Phone' in PHONE)
The following is a direct quote
from the Center for
Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL
ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story
swears it's true.
FBI agents conducted a raid of
a psychiatric hospital in
San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance
fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records,
the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The
agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza
parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his
The following telephone conversation
took place and was
recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations
at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like
to order 19 large pizzas and 67
cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make
sure you don't go through
the front doors. We have them locked. You will
have to go around to the back to the service
entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the
psychiatric hospital is an
Agent: That's right. We've
been here all day and we're
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone
here is an FBI agent. Can
you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the
service entrance in the rear? We have the front
Pizza Man: I don't think so. Click.
Subj: CHP Officer Stops Woman (S209, S474)
From: gheckman on 1/28/2001
and From: janeenmarie on 2/11/2006
A young woman was pulled over
for speeding. As Wisconsin
State Trooper Officer walked to her car window, flipping
open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to
sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.
"He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence
while she smiled, and he
realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book,
got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to
start her car for several
Cute Drunk Talk - WAV (S453b)
From: Song Wav's on 9/22/2005
..........Source: (Removed from home1.gte.net)
You can listen to this cute sound track by clicking 'HERE'.