Subj: Police2 Jokes
(Includes 33 jokes and articles, 11 1087,7,cL3f,wYT1a6a,4)
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Subj: The Runaway By Norman Rockewll (S923d)
From: Tony Adams on Facebook
..........The oil on canvas painting "The Runaway" by Norman
..........Rockwell was done for The Saturday Evening Post,
..........September 20, 1958. The Massachussets trooper
..........depicted sitting at a diner just died at the age
..........of 83. Click 'HERE' to see the full painting.
Subj: Trooper Stops Farmer (S195, S577)
From: hellgunner50 on 8/21/2004
and From: tom on 1/29/2008
A farmer got pulled over by a
state trooper for speeding,
and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his
speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to
try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around
to writing out the ticket,
and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies
that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said,
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the
ticket and said --"Well
yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle
So the farmer says -- "Well,
circle flies are common on
farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're
almost always found circling around the back end of a
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes
back to writing the
ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...
wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer.
I have too much
respect for law enforcement and police officers to even
think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's
a good thing," and goes
back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer
says, "Hard to fool them
Subj: Lawyer Cross-Examins Cop (S166, S335)
From: RFSlick on 04/07/2000
and From: szalay on 6/26/2003
This is true... A defense attorney
was cross-examining a
police officer during a felony trial. It went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client
fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching
the description of the offender running several blocks
Q. Officer, who provided this
A. The officer who responded to the scene. A fellow
officer provided the description of this so-called
Q. Do you trust your fellow
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask
you this then officer - do
you have a locker room in the police station - a room
where you change your clothes in preparation for you
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker
in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if
you trust your fellow
officers with your life, that you find it necessary to
lock your locker in a room you share with those same
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court
complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk
through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted
in laughter, and a prompt
recess was called. The officer on the stand has been
nominated for this year's "Best Come-Back" line and we
think he'll win.
Subj: State Patrolman And The Juggler (S285b, S718)
From: mjsl on 7/19/2002
A Georgia State patrolman pulled
a car over for speeding
about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the
officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on
his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't
want to be late.
The patrolman told the driver
that he was fascinated by
juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for
him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The juggler told him that he
had sent all of his equipment
on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The patrolman
told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car
and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so
the patrolman got three
flares and lit them, and handed them to the juggler. While
the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind
the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show,
then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got
The patrolman saw him do this
and went over to his car,
opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was
The drunk replied, "Just take
me to jail... Hell, ain't no
way I'm gonna pass that test."
Subj: CHP Ticket One Of Several Speeders (S220, S544)
From: thebartend on 4/18/2001
A man was speeding down the highway,
feeling secure in a
gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However,
as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared
speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation,
received his signature
and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I
know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there
were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as
fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
Subj: 4 Bomb Scares (S1087)
From: Time Magazine
on November 20,2017, Page 12
Subj: Small Town Cop Stops Speeder (S311b)
From: dogbyte on 1/14/2003
A police officer in a small town
stopped a motorist who
was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet!!!" snapped the
officer. "...or I'm going
to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said KEEP QUIET! You're
going to jail!" A few
hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and
said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the
man in the cell.... "I'm
Subj: Math Teacher Stopped By Highway Patrol (S300)
From: crtoth516 on 11/1/2002
Rushing to work, I was driving
too fast and as a result
was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper
noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school
on it. "I teach math there," I explained.
The trooper smiled and said,
"Okay, here's a problem. A
teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 mph over the
limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus
the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"
I replied, "Taking that total,
subtracting the low salary
I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math,
then adding to that the fact that none of us would be any-
where without teachers, I'd say zero."
He handed me back my license.
"Math was never my favorite
subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."
Subj: Real Speeding Excuses (S282)
From: jerry on 6/26/2002
The following are speeding excuses,
non of which worked, as
told by various members of the Philadelphia Highway Patrol:
? A man who, when asked by the
officer if he had seen any
speed-limit signs, explained, "I went by them so fast I
probably missed them."
? A man caught doing 79 MPH on
I-95 who explained, "My
engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor.
If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
? A man who explained, "I'm due
in traffic court. If I'm
late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
? A man who simply offered this,
"I'm trying to beat my
wife home. Don't ask."
? An elderly person who when
given a ticket for doing 73
MPH asked if there's a senior discount.
? A man who claimed he was allergic
to bees and so was
speeding to the hospital. To prove it, he pointed to a
bee on the dashboard in an advanced state of decomposition.
? A man, caught doing 70 MPH
in the breakdown lane of I-95
who, when pulled over, jumped out of the car and began
frantically brushing off his pants explaining that he
dropped a lit cigarette in his lap and so was in a hurry
to find a place to park.
And my personal favorite:
? A man caught speeding who told
the officer that he and
his wife were trying to have a baby and then explained,
"My wife if ovulating. I have to get home right now!"
Philadelphia Daily News 24-Jun-02
From: jerry on 6/27/2002 (S282)
I am a NY State Trooper. I once stopped a man for speeding,
and he told me his wife had just checked herself into the
psych ward of the local hospital, and he was in a hurry to
get there and talk to her before "she got any crazier." I
let him go - it was too classic to punish him.
Art Couchman from Scio, NY
Subj: Burglars And The Slow Police (S252b, S821)
From: kmacinty on 11/26/2001
and From: lubin100 on 10/3/2012
I was going to bed the other
night when my wife told me
she could see from the bedroom window that I had left the
light on in the shed. As I looked for myself, I saw that
there were people in the shed taking things. I phoned the
police, but they told me that no one was in our area to
help at this time, but they would send someone over as
soon as they were available.
I said, "OK", hung up, and waited
one minute, then phoned
the police back. "Hello. I just called you a minute ago
because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have
to worry about them now cause I've shot them all."
Within five minutes there were
half a dozen police cars in
the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course,
they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said, "I
thought you said that you'd
I replied with, "I thought you
said there was nobody
Subj: Wrong License Plate (S411b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/1/2004
Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Subj: Pulling Over Two In Texas (S161, S643b)
From: Imogenelumen on 9/4/2003
and From: edapsmas on 5/6/2009
Two men are driving through Texas
when they get pulled over
by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the
window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window
and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "What the heck was that for?"
The trooper says, "You're in
Texas, son. When we pull you
over, you better have your license ready when we get to your
The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the
guy's license, and he's clean.
He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the
passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his
window down, and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him with the
The passenger says, "What did you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The trooper says, "I know that
two miles down the road you're
gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that bull with me.'"
Subj: Cop Stops Lawyer With Fish (S137, S629, S1037)
From: KMacinty on 09/13/1999
and From: TLL on 11/29/2017
(See 'Speed Trap With No Speeders' in POLICE1)
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home
over the Golden Gate Bridge
after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His
catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on
the passenger side floor.
He was late getting home and
was speeding... Wouldn't you
know, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to
the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast
you were going, BOY?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"
"67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer"
replied Bob, "Why did
you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the
officer growled, in his normal
sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a
ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob,
in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look
like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy
in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job!
I have a good, well-paying
The cop leaned in the window,
smelling Bob's fish catch,
said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?" asked the
patrolman. And Bob repeated,
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head,
asked, "What does a rectum
Bob explained, "People call me
up and say they need to be
stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a
couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole
hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther
apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these
bizarre images in his mind,
asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly answered, "You
give it a radar gun and
stick it at the end of a bridge."
Subj: Top 10 DEA Choir Songs (S214)
From: KMACINTY on 3/8/2001
The Top 14 Songs Performed by the DEA Choir
14. Amazing Grass
13. Don't Sell It On The Mountain
12. I Can Seize Clearly Now
11. Don't Cry For Me, Noriega
10. Who Let The Drug Dogs out?
9. Take Me To The Reefer
8. Help Me, Ganja
7. 99 Vials Of Crack On The Wall
6. You Dropped A Bong On Me
5. I Fought The Law, And The Law Went Medieval On My Butt
4. Tie A Yellow Ribbon (Round the Whole Crime Scene)
3. Hey, 'Lude
2. Shoot Me Up Before You Go-Go
1. Yakety Yak, Don't Smoke Crack
Subj: Top 10 Police Comeback Lines (S120)
..........From: smiles on 5/15/99
1. I'm sorry Ma'am, but with
the unlicensed gun in your
purse plus the DWI, you ARE a real criminal.
2. Hey John, get out of the
cruiser and come over here to
say "Thank You." We stopped the guy who pays OUR
3. Yeah, I do have bank robbers
to catch, but that might
be dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write
you this ticket.
4. Hurry it up? Sure,
I'll just go back to the cruiser
and write the citation. Do you have food and water in
the car? This shouldn't take more than six hours.
5. Do you know why I stopped
you, or do you THINK like
6. What do you mean I won't
believe you? Just because
you've got three kilos of smack and two bodies in the
trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable
7. No, you've got that WRONG.
I'm even TOUGHER without
the badge and gun.
8. Of course you didn't DO it.
You just happened to
start your wind sprints in front of the department
store, the VCR is extra weight, and the security
guards were providing MOTIVATION.
9. She STARTED it? That's
the best you can do? My four-
year-old does better than that when I ask why his
sister is crying.
10. HAVE A NICE DAY.
Editors Note: I guess, it's the
inflection that gives it
that special meaning...
From: LABLaughsClean on 9/8/2005 (S451b)
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
You're right, we don't."
Subj: Short Police Jokes
Bungled Robbery (S453)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 9/22/2005
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Hooded winter jacket with large
to conceal identity and carry gun: $65.00
9mm Handgun purchased from Ray-Jay up the block: $150.00
Failure to master proper weapon
your planned armed robbery: PRICELESS!!!!!
This five second animated GIF
will make your day. Don't skip
it. You can see it by clicking 'HERE'.
Important Meeting (S447)
From: LABLaughsClean on 8/23/2005
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: Female Cop Arrests Drunk (S326)
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/25/2003
A man was stopped by a female police officer for drunk
driving. After asking to see his license, the female
police officer said, "Sir, you have the right to remain
silent. Anything you say will be held against you."
Swaying back and forth on his
feet, the drunk muttered
one word, "Breasts."
Police Line Up (S446)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/2/2005
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: New DARE Campaign (S361b)
From: JokeOrNot.com on 12/26/03
Source: (Removed from jokeornot.com)
Subj: Theft At Police Station (S275c)
From: RFSlick on 5/8/2002
A thief broke into the local police station and stole
all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted
as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
Subj: Mailing Motorist Ticket (S209)
From: gheckman on 1/28/2001
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding
through an automated radar post. A $40 speeding ticket
was included. Being cute, he sent the police department
a picture of $40. The police responded with another
mailed photo of Handcuffs.
Subj: Dead Man In Bathtub (S170 ? S388b)
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
and From: jbcary1 on 6/30/2004
This appears to be a very serious problem. If you
hear of any other instances like this please alert
Local man found dead: A local
man was found murdered
in his home in Galveston, Texas over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in
his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and
Cornflakes, and the deceased had a banana protruding
from his buttocks... Police suspect a cereal killer.
Subj: CHP Sees Woman Knitting (S117)
From: smiles on 4/30/99
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on
the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to
see that the person behind the wheel was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his
window and yelled to the
driver, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the driver yelled back,
Subj: Police Stop Man w/Penguin (S113)
From: FrankRoesc on 3/23/99
(Also see 'Taking A Load Of Penguins To The Zoo' in OTHER_ANIMALS)
A man was stopped by a policeman who noticed a penguin
sitting in the passenger seat. The policeman told the
driver to take the penguin to the zoo.
A couple of weeks later, the
same policeman stopped the
same guy and said, "I thought I told you to take that
penguin to the zoo."
The man said, "I did, and now
I'm taking him to the ball game."
Police in Los Angeles had good
luck with a robbery suspect
who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words,
"Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted,
"That's not what I said!"
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania,
interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with
wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was
placed in the copier, and police pressed the copybutton each
time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
From: grs on 98-04-05
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?
From: auntieg on 99-01-13 (S102)
Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some
difficult issues. What would you do if you had to
arrest your mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup!
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/14/2002
"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before
the police." -- Jeff Marder.
From: Neal's Nasty Free Filthy Daily
Dirty Joke on 3/2/97
Q: What animal has an asshole in the middle of its back?
A: A police horse.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-10
Q: What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
A: Neither of them can stop a Bronco.