.
.
>>>
Subj:     Police2 Jokes
                 (Includes 35 jokes and articles, 01 1116,10,cf,wYT1a7b,5)
..........L5 Update
          Click "Here" for Police-Supp

          Click "Here" for Police-Supp2
 


Keystone Cops
from
UselessGraphics.com
Includes the following:  Nate Beeler Cartoons (DU in Supp2)
.........................Bob Welsh - My Christmas Eve Poem - Video (S832 in Supp2)
.........................The World's Most Likable Cop - Video (S868 in Supp2)
.........................Filipino Traffic Cop Doing His Job - Video (S812 in Supp2)
.........................New 911 Protocol - Video (S940 in Supp2)
.........................Save Miranda! - Video (S888 in Supp2)
.........................Stopped While Going To Church (S196, S562b in Supp2)
.........................Super Cool Dude Gets A Traffic Ticket - Video (S843 - Sup2)
.........................
.........................The Copper Clapper Caper - Video (S485 in Supp)
.........................Wyoming State Police Story (S519 in Supp)
.........................The Super Cop - Video (S709b in Supp)
.........................Retired Gentleman Stopped By Police (S727 in Supp)
.........................Hamilton Police Shooting Video (S697b in Supp)
.........................Feds' Deconfliction - Video (S695b in Supp)
.........................The 23 Most Recent Arrests In Your City (S681b in Supp)
.........................Police Harassment In Chula Vista (S675 in Supp)
.........................Underwear Cops - Video (S575c in Supp)
.........................Lawyer Runs A Stop Sign (S608b in Supp)
.........................Police Stop A DUI - Video (S501 in Supp)
.........................Dashboard Camera - Video (S582c in Supp)
.........................Dashboard Camera II - Video (S617c in Supp)
.........................Sixteen Police Comments (S533 in Supp)
.........................Officer Stops Traffic For Ducks - Video (S592b in Supp)
.........................The "Most Wanted" List Explained (S614b in Supp)
.........................Secret Service Code Names (S617 in Supp)
.........................Police Stop Old Lady w/Garbage Bags (S502 in Supp)
.........................Carjackers Couldn't Drive Manual (S626b in Supp)
.........................Suspect Shocks Officer w/Own Taser (S496b in Supp)
.........................Police Shooting - Video (S628b in Supp)
.........................Drug Theft Gone Wrong (S493 in Supp)
.........................3 Ways To Fail A Drunk Test - Video (S668 in Supp)
.........................Orange County Police Pursuit - Video (S770 in Supp)
.........................
.........................The Runaway By Norman Rockewll - Painting (S923)
.........................Trooper Stops Farmer (S195, S577)
.........................Lawyer Cross-Examins Cop (S166)
.........................Carol Burnett Show - Undercover Couple - Video (S1111)
.........................State Patrolman And The Juggler (S285b, S718)
.........................CHP Ticket One Of Several Speeders (S220)
.........................Rube Goldberg Body Cam Cartoon (S1110)
.........................Small Town Cop Stops Speeder (S311b)
.........................Math Teacher Stopped By Highway Patrol (S300)
.........................4 Bomb Scares - Magazine Article (S1087)
.........................Real Speeding Excuses (S282)
.........................Burglars And The Slow Police - Newspaper Article (S252b)
.........................Pulling Over Two In Texas (S161, S643b)
.........................Wrong License Plate - Photo (S411b)
.........................Cop Stops Lawyer With Fish (S137)
.........................Top 10 DEA Choir Songs (S214)
.........................Top 10 Police Comeback Lines(S120)
                         Short Police Jokes
..............................Police Arrest Cocaine Dealer (S792 in Supp2)
..............................Police Artist Sketch Of Robery Suspect (S790 in Supp2)
..............................Big Baby In Vallejo (S787 in Supp2)
..............................Two Popsicle Stick Riddles (S813 in Supp2)
..............................
..............................Staying Cool On The Job (S696b in Supp)
..............................Traffic Stop On An Elderly Lady (S776 in Supp)
..............................Benicia Herald Police Blotter (S676 in Supp)
..............................Man Pleads Guilty To DWI In La-Z-Boy (S668 in Supp)
..............................Taking A Picture Scam - Video (S659b in Supp)
..............................6-Year-Old Crashes Car (S629c in Supp)
..............................Betting With Weed - Video (S626b in Supp)
..............................Man Kills Self With Chain Saw (S612c in Supp)
..............................Awesome New Radar System - Video (S595b in Supp)
..............................Son Of A Bitch (S581b in Supp)
..............................Woman Fights Robber, Cops Rescue Him! -Vid(S577b)-Sup)
..............................Redneck Lawnmower Beer Run - Video (S576b in Supp)
..............................Steve's Second Lawnmower DUI - Video (S633c in Supp)
..............................Old Marijuana Sign (S548b in Supp)
..............................Negotiations - Japanese Style (S529 in Supp)
..............................Police Find Body In Park (S527 in Supp)
..............................Bumpkeys - Video (S525c in Supp)
..............................A Good Answer By Sheriff Judd (S575 in Supp)
..............................
..............................Bungled Robbery - Web Page w/GIF (S453)
..............................Important Meeting - Web Page w/Photo (S447)
..............................Female Cop Arrests Drunk (S326)
..............................Police Line Up - Web Page w/GIF (S446)
..............................New DARE Campaign - Sign (S361b)
..............................Theft At Police Station (S275c)
..............................Mailing Motorist Ticket (S209)
..............................Dead Man In Bathtub (S170, S388b)
..............................CHP Sees Woman Knitting (S117)
..............................Police Stop Man w/Penguin (S113)

============================================================Top
Subj:     The Runaway By Norman Rockewll (S923)
          From: Tony Adams in 2015
 Source: www.artchive.com/artchive/rockwell_runaway.jpg.html
.
....
.
.....The oil on canvas painting "The Runaway" by Norman
.....Rockwell was done for The Saturday Evening Post,
.....September 20, 1958.  The Massachussets trooper
.....depicted sitting at a diner just died at the age
.....of 83.  Click 'HERE' to see the full painting.

Top
Subj:     Trooper Stops Farmer (S195, S577)
          From: hellgunner50 in 2004

 A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding,
 and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his
 speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to
 try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

 Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket,
 and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies
 that were buzzing around his head.  The farmer said,
 "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

 The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said --"Well
 yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle
 flies."

 So the farmer says -- "Well, circle flies are common on
 farms.  See, they're called circle flies because they're
 almost always found circling around the back end of a
 horse."

 The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the
 ticket.  Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...
 wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

 The farmer says, "Oh no, officer.  I have too much
 respect for law enforcement and police officers to even
 think about calling you a horse's ass."

 The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes
 back to writing the ticket.

 After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them
 flies though."

Top
Subj:     Lawyer Cross-Examins Cop (S166, S335)
          From: RFSlick in 2000

  This is true... A defense attorney was cross-examining a
  police officer during a felony trial.  It went like this:

  Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
  A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching
     the description of the offender running several blocks
     away.

  Q. Officer, who provided this description?
  A. The officer who responded to the scene. A fellow
     officer provided the description of this so-called
     offender.

  Q. Do you trust your fellow officers?
  A. Yes sir, with my life.

  Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do
     you have a locker room in the police station - a room
     where you change your clothes in preparation for you
     daily duties?
  A. Yes sir, we do.

  Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
  A. Yes sir, I do.

  Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
  A. Yes sir.

  Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow
     officers with your life, that you find it necessary to
     lock your locker in a room you share with those same
     officers?
  A. You see sir, we share the building with a court
     complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk
     through that room.

  With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt
  recess was called.  The officer on the stand has been
  nominated for this year's "Best Come-Back" line and we
  think he'll win.

Top
Subj:     Carol Burnett Show - Undercover Couple
          From: Carol Burnett Show in 2018
..........(S1111d-On Site)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/RZKDbfHmjQg
.
 Click 'HERE' to see Tim Conway and Harvey Korman play
 undercover cops on the Carol Burnett Show from the 1960s.
.
Top
Subj:     State Patrolman And The Juggler (S285b, S718)
          From: mjsl in 2002

 A Georgia State patrolman pulled a car over for speeding
 about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95.  When the
 officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
 answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on
 his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't
 want to be late.

 The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by
 juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for
 him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

 The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment
 on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.  The patrolman
 told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car
 and asked if he could juggle them.

 The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three
 flares and lit them, and handed them to the juggler.  While
 the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind
 the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show,
 then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got
 in.

 The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car,
 opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was
 doing.

 The drunk replied, "Just take me to jail... Hell, ain't no
 way I'm gonna pass that test."

Top
Subj:     CHP Ticket One Of Several Speeders (S220, S544)
          From: thebartend in 2001

 A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a
 gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.  However,
 as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared
 speed detector and was pulled over.

 The officer handed him the citation, received his signature
 and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I
 know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there
 were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as
 fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"

 "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

 "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

 The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

Top
Subj:     Rube Goldberg Body Cam Cartoon (S1110)
          Copyright © Heirs of Rube Goldberg
 Source: www.mentalfloss.com/article/54007/
.........8-excellent-rube-goldberg-cartoons
.
 To see other old Rube Goldberg cartoons
.....and other Rube Goldberg videos click 'HERE'.
.
......
.
Top
Subj:     Small Town Cop Stops Speeder (S311b)
          From: dogbyte in 2003

 A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who
 was speeding down Main Street.

 "But officer," the man said, "I can explain."

 "Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer.  "...or I'm going
 to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."

 "But officer, I just wanted to say...."

 "And I said KEEP QUIET! You're going to jail!"  A few
 hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and
 said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's
 wedding.  He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

 "Don't count on it," said the man in the cell.... "I'm
 the groom!"

Top
Subj:     Math Teacher Stopped By Highway Patrol (S300)
          From: crtoth516 in 2002

 Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result
 was pulled over by the highway patrol.  The state trooper
 noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school
 on it.  "I teach math there,"  I explained.

 The trooper smiled and said, "Okay, here's a problem.  A
 teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 mph over the
 limit.  At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus
 the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"

 I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary
 I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math,
 then adding to that the fact that none of us would be any-
 where without teachers, I'd say zero."

 He handed me back my license.  "Math was never my favorite
 subject," he admitted.  "Please slow down."

Top
Subj:     4 Bomb Scares (S1087)
          From: Time Magazine in 2017
.
......
.
.
Top
Subj:     Real Speeding Excuses (S282)
          From: jerry in 2002

 The following are speeding excuses, non of which worked, as
 told by various members of the Philadelphia Highway Patrol:

.A man who, when asked by the officer if he had seen any
 speed-limit signs, explained, "I went by them so fast I
 probably missed them."

.A man caught doing 79 MPH on I-95 who explained, "My
 engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor.
 If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."

.A man who explained, "I'm due in traffic court.  If I'm
 late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."

.A man who simply offered this, "I'm trying to beat my
 wife home.  Don't ask."

.An elderly person who when given a ticket for doing 73
 MPH asked if there's a senior discount.

.A man who claimed he was allergic to bees and so was
 speeding to the hospital.  To prove it, he pointed to a
 bee on the dashboard in an advanced state of decomposition.

.A man, caught doing 70 MPH in the breakdown lane of I-95
 who, when pulled over, jumped out of the car and began
 frantically brushing off his pants explaining that he
 dropped a lit cigarette in his lap and so was in a hurry
 to find a place to park.

 And my personal favorite:

.A man caught speeding who told the officer that he and
 his wife were trying to have a baby and then explained,
 "My wife if ovulating.  I have to get home right now!"

 Philadelphia Daily News 24-Jun-02
 

From: jerry in 2002 (S282)
.I am a NY State Trooper. I once stopped a man for
 speeding, and he told me his wife had just checked herself
 into the psych ward of the local hospital, and he was in a
 hurry to get there and talk to her before "she got any
 crazier."  I let him go - it was too classic to punish him.

 Art Couchman from Scio, NY

Top
Subj:     Burglars And The Slow Police (S252b, S821)
          From: kmacinty in 2001
      and From: Jenny Whitsed in 2018
 Source: www.extremelyfunny.co.uk/round-like-a-shot/
.
..........
.
Top
Subj:     Pulling Over Two In Texas (S161, S643b)
          From: Imogenelumen in 2003

 Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over
 by a state trooper.  The trooper walks up and taps on the
 window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window
 and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

 The driver says, "What the heck was that for?"

 The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son.  When we pull you
 over, you better have your license ready when we get to your
 car."

 The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

 The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.
 He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the
 passenger side and taps on the window.  The passenger rolls his
 window down, and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him with the
 nightstick, too.

 The passenger says, "What did you do that for?"

 The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

 The passenger says, "Huh?"

 The trooper says, "I know that two miles down the road you're
 gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that bull with me.'"

Top
Subj:     Wrong License Plate (S411b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult in 2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
.
..........
.
.
Top
Subj:     Cop Stops Lawyer With Fish (S137, S1037)
          From: KMacinty in 1999

 (See 'Speed Trap With No Speeders' in POLICE1)

 Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge
 after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing.  His
 catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on
 the passenger side floor.

 He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you
 know, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to
 the side of the bridge.  Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
 The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast
 you were going, BOY?"

 Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"

 "67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.

 "But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did
 you ask me?"

 Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal
 sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a
 ticket and a fine!"  The cop took a good close look at Bob,
 in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look
 like you have a job!  Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy
 in my entire life!"

 Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying
 job!"

 The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch,
 said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"

 "I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

 "What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman. And Bob repeated,
 "I'm a rectum stretcher!"

 The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum
 stretcher do?"

 Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be
 stretched, so I go over to their house.  I start with a
 couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole
 hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther
 apart until it's a full six feet across."

 The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind,
 asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"

 Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and
 stick it at the end of a bridge."

Top
Subj:     Top 10 DEA Choir Songs (S214)
          From: KMACINTY in 2001

 The Top 14 Songs Performed by the DEA Choir

 14. Amazing Grass

 13. Don't Sell It On The Mountain

 12. I Can Seize Clearly Now

 11. Don't Cry For Me, Noriega

 10. Who Let The Drug Dogs out?

  9. Take Me To The Reefer

  8. Help Me, Ganja

  7. 99 Vials Of Crack On The Wall

  6. You Dropped A Bong On Me

  5. I Fought The Law, And The Law Went Medieval On My Butt

  4. Tie A Yellow Ribbon (Round the Whole Crime Scene)

  3. Hey, 'Lude

  2. Shoot Me Up Before You Go-Go

  1. Yakety Yak, Don't Smoke Crack

Top
Subj:     Top 10 Police Comeback Lines (S120)
..........From: smiles in 1999

  1. I'm sorry Ma'am, but with the unlicensed gun in your
     purse plus the  DWI, you ARE a real criminal.

  2. Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to
     say "Thank You." We stopped the guy who pays OUR
    salary!

  3. Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might
     be dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write
     you this ticket.

  4. Hurry it up?  Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser
     and write the citation.  Do you have food and water in
     the car?  This shouldn't take more than six hours.

  5. Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like
     you Drive?

  6. What do you mean I won't believe you?  Just because
     you've got three kilos of smack and two bodies in the
     trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable
     explanation.

  7. No, you've got that WRONG.  I'm even TOUGHER without
     the badge and gun.

  8. Of course you didn't DO it.  You just happened to
     start your wind sprints in front of the department
    store, the VCR is extra weight, and the security
    guards were providing MOTIVATION.

  9. She STARTED it?  That's the best you can do?  My four-
     year-old does better than that when I ask why his
     sister is crying.

 10. HAVE A NICE DAY.
 

 Editors Note: I guess, it's the inflection that gives it
               that special meaning...

From: LABLaughsClean in 2005 (S451b)
 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
  You're right, we don't."


Subj:     Short Police Jokes

Top
Subj:     Bungled Robbery - GIF
          From: LABLaughsAdult
..........in 2005 (S453)
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)

 Hooded winter jacket with large inside pocket
 to conceal identity and carry gun:                  $65.00

 9mm Handgun purchased from Ray-Jay up the block: $150.00

 Failure to master proper weapon retention during
 your planned armed robbery:                      PRICELESS!!!!!

 This five second animated GIF will make your day.  Don't skip
 it.  You can see it by clicking 'HERE'.
 
 

Top
Subj:     Important Meeting (S447)
          From: LABLaughsClean in 2005
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 To see this cute picture click 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Female Cop Arrests Drunk (S326)
          From: LABLaughs.com in 2003
 A man was stopped by a female police officer for drunk
 driving.  After asking to see his license, the female
 police officer said, "Sir, you have the right to remain
 silent.  Anything you say will be held against you."

 Swaying back and forth on his feet, the drunk muttered
 one word, "Breasts."
 

Top
Subj:     Police Line Up - GIF
          From: LABLaughsAdult
..........in 2005 (S446)
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 You can view the animated GIF at the source above, or on
 my web site by clicking 'HERE'.  Take a close look at the
 second from the right.
 
 

Top
Subj:     New DARE Campaign (S361b)
          From: JokeOrNot.com in 2003
 Source: (Removed from jokeornot.com)
.
.........
 
 

Top
Subj:     Theft At Police Station (S275c)
          From: RFSlick in 2002
 A thief broke into the local police station and stole
 all the lavatory equipment.  A spokesperson was quoted
 as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
 
 

Top
Subj:     Mailing Motorist Ticket (S209)
          From: gheckman in 2001
 A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding
 through an automated radar post.  A $40 speeding ticket
 was included.  Being cute, he sent the police department
 a picture of $40.  The police responded with another
 mailed photo of Handcuffs.
 
 

Top
Subj:     Dead Man In Bathtub (S170, S388b)
          From: jbcary1 in 2004
 This appears to be a very serious problem.  If you
 hear of any other instances like this please alert
 the public.

 Local man found dead: A local man was found murdered
 in his home in Galveston, Texas over the weekend.
 Detectives at the scene found the man face down in
 his bathtub.  The tub had been filled with milk and
 Cornflakes, and the deceased had a banana protruding
 from his buttocks...  Police suspect a cereal killer.
 
 

Top
Subj:     CHP Sees Woman Knitting (S117)
          From: smiles in 1999
 A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on
 the freeway.  Glancing at the car, he was astounded to
 see that the person behind the wheel was knitting!

 The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the
 driver, "PULL OVER!"

 "NO!" the driver yelled back, "SCARF!"
 

Top
Subj:     Police Stop Man w/Penguin (S113)
          From: FrankRoesc in 1999
 (Also see 'Taking A Load Of Penguins To The Zoo' in OTHER_ANIMALS)
 A man was stopped by a policeman who noticed a penguin
 sitting in the passenger seat.  The policeman told the
 driver to take the penguin to the zoo.

 A couple of weeks later, the same policeman stopped the
 same guy and said, "I thought I told you to take that
 penguin to the zoo."

 The man said, "I did, and now I'm taking him to the ball game."
 

 Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect
 who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.  When
 detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words,
 "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted,
 "That's not what I said!"
 

.
 

 Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by
 placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with
 wires to a photocopy machine.  The message "He's lying" was
 placed in the copier, and police pressed the copybutton each
 time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
 Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
 

From: grs in 1998
 If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
 right to remain silent?
 

From: auntieg in 1999 (S102)
 Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some
 difficult issues.  What would you do if you had to
 arrest your mother?

 New Recruit: Call for backup!
 

From: Joke-Of-The-Day in 2002 (S276c)
 "We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before
  the police."  -- Jeff Marder.
 

From: Neal's Nasty Free Filthy Daily Dirty Joke on 3/2/97
 Q: What animal has an asshole in the middle of its back?
 A: A police horse.

From: RFSlick in 1998
 Q: What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
 A: Neither of them can stop a Bronco.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
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.............................From Smiley_Central
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