Subj: Sailor/Marine Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 18 jokes and articles)
Pirate from
Animation Factory
| >>>
Subj: Sailor/Marine Jokes (Gz) (Includes 18 jokes and articles) |
|
Pirate from Animation Factory |
Also see ALLIGATOR
- 'Alligator Shoes'
BIRTHDAY file- 'You
Always Have A Birthday'
ELDERLY2 file- 'Old
Man And Punk Rocker On A Bus'
GAY file - 'Sailor
Needs A Hotel Room'
JOB3 file - 'Job
Evaluations'
POLICE file - 'Defective Radar'
REDHEAD file - 'Two
Salors Talk About Girls'
SHIP file - 'USS
New York'
......................-
'Woman Stowaway
On Ship'
SOLDIERS1 - 'LBJ
Requests Two Lieutenants'
......................-
'Boy Scout Troop Visits
Army Base'
TRAIN file - 'Army-Navy
Football Train'
============================================================Top
| Subj: US Navy Pres. Ceremonial
Honor Guard Drill Team
From: darrell94590 (S524) on 1/26/2007 |
 |
This drill team is amazing.
It is well worth a trip to the
internet. You can see
it at the source above, or on my web
site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Why
Is It We Have To Speak English? (S436)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 5/29/2005
A U.S. Navy Admiral was
attending a naval conference that
included admirals from the U.S.,
English, Canadian, Australian
and French Navies. At
a cocktail reception, he found himself
standing with a group of half
dozen or so officers that included
personnel from most of the countries.
Everyone was chatting away in
English as they sipped their
drinks, but a French admiral
suddenly complained that, whereas
Europeans learn many languages,
Americans learn only English.
He then asked: "Why is it that
we always have to speak English
in these conferences rather
than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American
Admiral replied: Maybe it's
because the Brits, Canadians,
Aussies, and Americans arranged
it so you wouldn't have to speak
German."
\\\//
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Subj: How
To Simulate Being A Sailor (S355b)
From: jokes on 11/11/2003
Buy a steel dumpster, paint it
gray inside and out, and
live in it for six months.
Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
Repaint your entire house every month.
Renovate your bathroom.
Build a wall across the middle of
the bathtub and move the shower
head to chest level. When
you take showers, make sure
you turn off the water while
you soap down.
Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
Once a week, blow compressed
air up your chimney, making
sure the wind carries the soot
onto your neighbor's house.
Ignore his complaints.
Once a month, take all major
appliances apart and then
reassemble them.
Raise the thresholds and lower
the headers of your front
and back doors, so that you
either trip or bang your head
every time you pass through
them.
Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays,
turn your water
heater temperature up to 200
degrees. On Tuesdays and
Thursdays, turn the water heater
off.
On Saturdays and Sundays tell
your family they use too
much water during the week,
so no bathing will be allowed.
Raise your bed to within 6 inches
of the ceiling, so you
can't turn over without getting
out and then getting back in.
Sleep on the shelf in your closet.
Replace the closet door
with a curtain. Have your
spouse whip open the curtain
about 3 hours after you go to
sleep, shine a flashlight in
your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong
rack".
Make your family qualify to operate
each appliance in your
house - dishwasher operator,
blender technician, etc.
Find the dumbest guy in the neighborhood
and make him your
boss for the next two years.
Lower all shower heads to not
more than four and one-half
feet off the deck and be sure
the tops of all mirrors are
no more than four and one-half
feet high as well. Tell your
family members that hunching
to look in the mirror is really
natural. Then yell "Attention
on deck" when the cat walks
by to see how quickly they can
assume a full upright position.
Have your neighbor come over
each day at 5 am, blow a whistle
so loud Helen Keller could hear
it, and shout "Reveille,
reveille, all hands heave out
and trice up".
Have your mother-in-law write
down everything she's going to
do the following day, then have
her make you stand in your
back yard at 6 a.m. while she
reads it to you.
Submit a request chit to your
father-in-law requesting
permission to leave your house
before 3 pm.
Empty all the garbage bins in
your house and sweep the
driveway three times a day,
whether it needs it or not.
Have your neighbor collect all
your mail for a month, read
your magazines, and randomly
lose every 5th item before
delivering it to you.
Watch no TV except for movies
played in the middle of the
night. Have your family
vote on which movie to watch, then
show a different one.
When your children are in bed,
run into their room with a
megaphone shouting that your
home is under attack and
ordering them to their battle
stations.
Make your family menu a week
ahead of time without consulting
the pantry or refrigerator.
Post a menu on the kitchen door
informing your family that
they are having steak for dinner.
Then make them wait in
line for an hour. When
they finally get to the kitchen, tell
them you are out of steak, but
they can have dried ham or hot
dogs. Repeat daily until
they ignore the menu and just ask
for hot dogs.
Bake a cake. Prop up one
side of the pan so the cake bakes
unevenly. Spread icing real
thick to level it off.
Get up every night around midnight
and have a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich on stale
bread.
Set your alarm clock to go off
at random during the night.
At the alarm, jump up and dress
as fast as you can, making
sure to button your top shirt
button and tuck your pants
into your socks. Run out
into the back yard and uncoil the
garden hose.
Every week or so, throw your
cat or dog in the pool and
shout "Man overboard port side!"
Rate your family members
on how fast they respond.
Put the headphones from your
stereo on your head, but don't
plug them in. Hang a paper
cup around your neck on a
string. Stand in front
of the stove, and speak into the
paper cup "Stove manned and
ready." After an hour or so,
speak into the cup again "Stove
secured." Roll up the
headphones and paper cup and
stow them in a shoebox.
Place a podium at the end of
your driveway. Have your
family stand watches at the
podium, rotating at 4 hour
intervals. This is best done
when the weather is worst.
January is a good time.
When there is a thunderstorm
in your area, get a wobbly
rocking chair, sit in it and
rock as hard as you can
until you become nauseous.
Make sure to have a supply
of stale crackers in your shirt
pocket.
For former engineers: bring your
lawn mower into the
living room, and run it all
day long.
Make coffee using eighteen scoops
of budget priced coffee
grounds per pot, and allow the
pot to simmer for 5 hours
before drinking.
Have someone under the age of
ten give you a haircut with
sheep shears.
Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
Every couple of weeks, dress
up in your best clothes and
go to the scummiest part of
town. Find the most run down,
trashiest bar, and drink beer
until you are hammered.
Then walk all the way home.
Take a two week vacation visiting
the red light districts
of Europe or the Far East, and
call it "world travel".
Lock yourself and your family
in the house for six weeks.
Tell them that at the end of
the 6th week you are going
to take them to Disney World
for" liberty." At the end
of the 6th week, inform them
the trip to Disney World has
been canceled because they need
to get ready for an
inspection, and it will be another
week before they can
leave the house.
Who's ready to go back to sea?
\\\//
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Subj: 101
Reasons Why I'm Leaving The Navy (S342b)
From: hellgunner50 on 8/16/2003
1. One word - deployment.
2. Two words - political correctness.
3. Three words - Politics,
politics, politics.
4. Four words - Don't Ask,
Don't Tell.
5. Selective enforcement of
the UCMJ.
6. Senior leadership out of
touch with the deck plate sailors.
7. What ever happened to loyalty?
8. TQL. What a load of BULLSHIT!
9. Process improvement. More
Bull Shit.
10. Smokers have been victimized
while
pole smokers
have been glorified.
11. Little support or understanding
from Congress
or the American
public.
12. So called "Leaders" punching
their ticket
for the next
rank.
13. Mission first, sailors whenever
it's convenient.
14. Peacetime mentality.
15. The Training Time Out.
16. Increasing cynicism.
17. The Generation X sailor
(the word "sailor" used loosely).
18. It's better-to-look-good-than-be-good
mentality.
19. Failure to meet recruiting
goals (not even close).
20. What the hell were the recruiters
thinking?
21. The road to Hell is paved
with good intentions.
22. Too many feel-good buzzwords.
23. Inflated Evals.
24. Ranking Boards.
25. Fraternization. Once it
meant I couldn't sleep
with an officer
or my boss. Now, I'm never sure
who I can
safely talk to.
26. Not being able to hurt someone's
feelings even
when they
are wrong.
27. Your chain of command not
supporting you when you
are right
and the law is on your side. It just may
look wrong.
28. Personnel shortages.
29. Command and higher staffs
at 100% while everyone
else suffers.
30. 200% increase in workload,
budget only 60% of what
it was 2
years ago, staffing at 50%. You do the
numbers.
31. Everyone saying it will
get better and it hasn't
for the past
several years.
32. Peers telling me it's bad
everywhere - it isn't
just me.
33. A draft dodging Liar in
the White House using us
to get his
ass out of a scandal by bombing innocent
3rd world
countries.
34. Email on the ship - you
can't get away, ever.
35. Very few people willing
to tell it like it is and
take the
ass chewing anyway.
36. Leading by committee (Moses
would STILL be
wandering
around).
37. Morale in a tailspin.
38. The Bullshit-O-meter - pegged
at 100%.
39. No one is saying how great
things are.
40. Tired of trying to make
a difference and nobody cares.
41. "That's the way we've always
done it here."
42. The new PT standards. How
the fuck can you pass
and still
be on Mando PT?!
43. How many times have we been
to Kuwait since 1991
and we STILL
haven't kicked Saddam's ass?
44. The slow death of the warrior
spirit
(death by
hugging).
45. Coffin racks.
46. Lousy food, even on shore
duty.
47. Ghetto living conditions
for our sailors living in
the barracks.
48. Our junior sailors being
treated like little kids.
49. Our junior sailors acting
like little kids.
50. Our senior leadership not
being held accountable
for their
actions.
51. NO ONE WANTS TO MAKE A DECISION.
52. No good deed goes unpunished.
53. If it ain't broke, fix it
till it is.
54. This ain't fun anymore.
55. I love the Navy more than
it loves me.
56. Sexual Harassment training.
57. Whine and you're the center
of attention.
Do your job
and you are ignored.
58. Zero defects mentality.
59. The incompetents get promoted
because they are
placed in
jobs with no risks and no decisions to go
wrong.
60. No more nudie mags at the
NEX.
61. Anyone with a personality
beaten until they fit
the mold.
62. Officers, Chiefs and Petty
Officers leaving with
15 Years
in. There's more happening here than just a
good economy.
63. The arbitrary means of awarding
Navy Achievement
Medals and
other awards.
64. Being encouraged to think
outside the box, then
being ridiculed
for doing so.
65. At sea or in the field,
I'm a medical professional
entrusted
with the life of my shipmates. On shore, I'm
just some
flunky, fetching and steppin' for a nurse.
66. Duty. Especially when it's
a pointless phone watch.
67. Sleazy election officials
not allowing an absentee
ballot to
be counted due to a missing postmark.
68. Phone answering machines.
69. Voice mail.
70. E-Mail instead of talking
to each other,
especially
when it comes from next door.
71. I'm sick and tired of fixing
other people's
screw-ups.
72. EEO being used as a weapon
to destroy a senior who
wants you
to do your duty and obey orders.
73. EEO allowing themselves
to be used because they
are afraid
it will come back on them.
74. Good Sailors being harassed
and put out of the
Navy because
they are fat, while shit-birds are kept
in because
they are thin.
75. Senior Officers never failing
a PRT, even though
the most
casual observer can see that they are fat
bastards
by any standard.
76. Junior sailors retained
in the Navy after being
caught doing
drugs. WHAT THE FUCK DOES ZERO TOLERENCE
MEAN!?
77. Inequality in the treatment
of single mothers and
single fathers.
78. Having a beer with the troops
was once a way to
pass on some
of our traditions and form a cohesive
unit bonds.
Now it's a crime.
79. Admiral Mike Borda killed
himself rather than
bring shame
or dishonor on the Navy. Gore won't even
concede that
he lost an election.
80. I still remember what actually
happened on the USS
Iowa and
how the Senior Leadership tried to fuck a
junior sailor
for their mistakes.
81. Ships are routinely sent
to ports where the
terrorists
have threatened to bomb us and the CO is
not advised
of the threat.
82. Ass kissers and boot lickers.
83. "The cream always rises
to the top, but shit
floats as
well."
84. Do you HAVE to be a brain
donor to make policy, or
is it an
option?
85. I never was a "morning person."
86. Moving my family and belongings
every 4 years sucks.
87. Navy housing is nice, but
can be accurately
described
as "Psycho Central."
88. My sea stories don't seem
so funny anymore.
89. The thrill is gone.
90. Forty percent retirement.
91. Steadily eroding benefits.
92. No guarantee of health care
for retirees.
93. Making retirees pay for
Tricare Prime, then
treating
them like second class citizens.
94. Tricare.
95. The civilian-military pay
gap.
96. Sailors on food stamps.
97. Congress can always legislate
less retirement and
benefits.
98. Not enough money to repair
or maintain our fleet.
99. The 300% increase in operating
tempo with 50% less
people.
100. If you can succeed in the Navy,
you can succeed
ANYWHERE.
101. I've spent 20 years defending
this country. My
debt to America
is PAID IN FULL!
\\\//
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Subj: Sailor
Riddle
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/16/2002
Why is the letter D like a sailor?
x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x
ANSWER
Because it follows the C
\\\//
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Subj: A Sailor
Gets A Harmonica (S197)
From: BartendJOTD-owner on 11/09/2000
A newly married sailor was informed
by the navy that he was
going to be stationed a long
way from home on a remote island
in the Pacific for a year.
A few weeks after he got there he
began to miss his new wife,
so he wrote her a letter.
"My love," he wrote "we are going
to be apart for a very long
time. Already I'm starting
to miss you and there's really
not much to do here in the evenings.
Besides that we're
constantly surrounded by young
attractive native girls. Do
you think if I had a hobby of
some kind I would not tempted?"
So his wife sent him back a harmonica
saying, "why don't you
learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty came
to an end and he rushed back
to his wife. "Darling"
he said, "I can't wait to make passionate
love with you!"
She kissed him and said, "First
let's see you play that
harmonica."
\\\//
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Subj: Captain
Bravo And The Pirates (S193, S455)
From: PGM2R4U on 10/5/00
and
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 10/10/2005
Long ago, there lived a sailor
named Captain Bravo. He was
a real man, who showed no fear
when facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the seven
seas, his lookout spotted
a pirate ship, and the
crew became frantic. Captain Bravo
bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved
the captain's red shirt,
and while wearing the brightly
colored frock, the captain
led his crew into battle and
defeated the pirates. That
evening, all the men sat around
on the deck recounting the
day's triumph. One of them asked
the captain, "Sir, why did
you call for your red shirt
before battle?" The captain
replied, "If I am wounded in
the attack, the shirt will not
show my blood. Thus, you
men will continue to fight,
unafraid."
All of the men sat and marveled
at the courage of such a
real man.
As dawn came the next morning,
the lookout spotted not one,
not two, but TEN pirate ships
approaching. The crew stared
in worshipful silence at the
captain and waited for his
usual orders. Captain
Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon
the vast armada arrayed against
his ship, and without fear,
turned and calmly shouted, "Get
me my brown pants!"
\\\//
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Subj: Marine
And Sailor At Urnals (S73)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #256 on 98-06-26
A Marine walks in the restroom
and sees a Sailor standing
at the urinal, fussing with
the thirteen buttons on his pants.
The Marine says, "It must be
a pain in the ass to have to
mess with all those buttons
every time you take a piss."
The sailor replies, "Yes it is!
If I were a Marine, all I'd
have to do is take off my hat."
\\\//
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Subj: Boy
Wears Sailor's Hat In Restroom (S73)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #255 on 98-06-20
In a restaraunt between San Diego
and Camp Pendleton, a
young boy was playing in the
restroom sink when a sailor
came in.
"Wow Mister!" said the boy, "Are you a REAL sailor?"
"Yes I am! Why, would you like
to wear my hat?" replied
the sailor.
"Neato! Thanks mister!" said
the boy, donning the hat
and continuing to play in the
sink.
Shortly after the sailor entered a stall, a Marine came in.
"Wow Mister!" said the boy, "Are you a REAL Marine?"
"Yes, I am kid. Why, do you want
to suck my dick?" replied
the Marine.
"Oh gosh no mister! I'm not a
REAL sailor, I'm just wearing
the hat!"
\\\//
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Subj: Pirate
With Wooden Leg, Hook, And Patch (S130, S381)
From: collins2 on 5/31/99
and
From: drgolfmd on 5/20/2004
An able-bodied seaman meets a
pirate in a bar, and they take
turns recounting their adventures
at sea. Noting the pirate's
peg-leg, hook, and eye patch
the seaman asks, "So, how did you
end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We was caught
in a monster storm off the
cape and a giant wave swept
me overboard. Just as they were
pullin' me out a school of sharks
appeared and one of 'em bit
me leg off, arrr".
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate,
"We were boardin' a trader ship,
pistols blastin' and swords
swingin' this way and that. In the
fracas, a bastard cut
off me bloody hand!""
"Zounds!", remarked the seaman.
"And how came ye by the eye patch?"
"Well I was up in the crow's
nest eh, and I looked up to spy
this seagull" says the pirate's
pirate, "and the damn ting
shit reet in me eye".
"You lost your eye to a seagull
dropping?" the sailor asked
incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "Arr...first day wit me 'ook."
\\\//
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Subj: Military
Balls (S48)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 12/29/97
A marine general, an army general
and an navy admiral were
discussing who has the toughest
men one day. The army general
goes, "Alright, I'll prove the
army's got the toughest men in
the country. Private get
over here!" The private reports as
ordered - "Yes sir?" The
general goes "See that man over
there? Kill him!"
Without hesitating the private kills the
man. The general goes
"See? That man has balls!"
The marine general goes "That's
nothing! Private get over
here!" The marine private
reports "Yes sir?" The general
goes "See that man over there?
Kill him and then yourself!"
Without blinking the marine
private pulls out his m-16 and
blows away the guy and turns
the rifle on himself and unloads
several rounds. The marine
general goes "See? Now that man
has balls!"
The admiral says, "That's nothing"
he calls to a seaman high
up on a tower, "Hey seaman!
Jump off that tower!" the seaman
goes "Excuse me sir?"
The admiral repeats,"JUMP OFF THAT
TOWER!" The seaman replies
"Fuck you sir!"
The admiral goes, "See? That
man has balls and he's got
brains too!"
\\\//
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Subj: Admirals
Directions To His Daughter (S179)
An admiral says to his daughter,
darling if you ever marry a
sailor, promise me you won't
do it the other way. She says
yes daddy (not really knowing
what he meant). Anyway time
goes by and she is about to
marry a sailor, the father says,
darling, you will promise me
that you will not do it the other
way, yes daddy she says(again
not knowing what he meant). Six
months later, whilst the sex
was fantastic, she turns to her
husband in bed and says, honey,
do you think we could do it
the other way ? What, he replies,
and risk having babies !
\\\//
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Subj: Sailor
Gets Horney At Sea (S179)
The sailor asked the captain
after 3 weeks on the sea if he
could go ashore to se a woman?
No- said the captain we are
in the middle of the Atlantic
Ocan and there ar no women here.
The next day the sailor again
asked the captain because his
needs were wery getting ugrent.
In that case, the captain
said you have to do with the
black cook like we all do.
Maybe, the sailor said, but it
has to be a secret between you
and me and the cook. Impossible,
the captain said, it takes
seven guys to hold him.
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Sailor/Marine Jokes
Top
Subj: Why
We Are Here (S321)
From: JBCARY1 on 3/28/2003
This is the side of the USS
Iwo Jima as it
headed to the Persian Gulf.
"Lest we forget ...".
You can view it on my web site
at
http://jokelibrary.150m.com/yyPictures/other.html#why_we_are_here2
or by clicking 'Here.
Top
Subj: Terrorist
Catch & Release Program (S311)
From: JBCARY1 on 1/17/2003
The picture 'Terrorist Catch
& Release Program' is
definitely a classic.
Click 'Here' to see it.
Top
Subj: Retired
Sailor & The Prostitute (S254b)
From: ICohen on 12/13/2001
An old retired sailor puts on
his old uniform and heads
for the docks once more
for old times sake. He engages
a prostitute and takes her up
to a room. He's soon
going at it as well as he can
for a guy his age, but
needing some reassurance, he
asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well
old sailor, you're doing
about three knots."
"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard,
you're knot in, and you're
knot getting your money-back!
Top
Subj: Chief
& Admiral Get Shaves (S192)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 9/30/00
(Also see 'Bush
& Clinton At The Barbershop' in BARBER)
A Navy Chief and an Admiral
were sitting in the barbershop.
They were both just getting
finished with their shaves--the
barbers were reaching for some
after-shave to slap on their
faces. The admiral shouted,
"Hey, don't put that stuff on
me! My wife will think I've
been in a cathouse!"
The chief turned to his barber
and said, "Go ahead and put
it on. My wife doesn't
know what the inside of a cathouse
smells like.
US Navy Saying from Jim Garrett in
about 2001 (S435b)
Prior Planning Prevents Poor
Performance
\\\//
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 |
Smiley the drunk Sailor from
Smiley_Central |