soldier1

Subj: Soldier1 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 27 jokes and articles)

This 4,500 KB movie is breathtaking. Turn on your speakers
and watch the slide-show. The outstanding choir sings the
beautiful "Homeward Bound" song. You can view it at the
source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Two Reporters And A Marine Captured (S387)
          From: DoctorDebt on 6/17/2004

Anchor Dan Rather, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, and a U.S.
Marine were hiking through the desert one day when they
were captured by Iraqis.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before
the leader. The leader said, "I am familiar with your
western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before
we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said,"Well,I'm a Texan, so I'd like one last
bowlful of hot,spicy chili." The leader nodded to an
underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather
ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to
take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and
what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it
and know that I was on the job 'til the end." The leader
directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts
dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what
is your final wish?" "Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last
hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the
ass," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into
the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling,
but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9-mm pistol from inside his
cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion,
he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed
the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis were dead or
fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather and Roberts, they asked him,
"Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick
you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberal assholes call
ME the aggressor?"

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Subj:     Military Death Benefits (S350, S558)
          By Rush Limbaugh
          From: DoctorDebt on 10/14/2003
      and From: rfslick on 9/26/2007

What's a Military Family Worth?
by Rush Limbaugh
March 11, 2002

I think the vast differences in compensation between the victims
of the September 11th casualty, and those who die serving the
country in uniform, are profound. No one is really talking about
it either because you just don't criticize anything having to do
with September 11th. Well, I just can't let the numbers pass by
because it says something really disturbing about the entitlement
mentality of this country.

If you lost a family member in the September 11th attack, you're
going to get an average of $1,185,000. The range is a minimum
guarantee of $250,000, all the way up to $4.7 million.

If you are a surviving family member of an American soldier
killed in action, the first check you get is a $6,000 direct
death benefit, half of which is taxable. Next, you get $1,750
for burial costs. If you are the surviving spouse, you get $833
a month until you remarry. And there's a payment of $211 per
month for each child under 18. When the child hits 18, those
payments come to a screeching halt.

Keep in mind that some of the people that are getting an average
of $1.185 million up to $4.7 million are complaining that it's
not enough. We also learned over the weekend that some of the
victims from the Oklahoma City bombing have started an
organization asking for the same deal that the September 11th
families are getting. In addition to that, some of the families
of those bombed in the embassies are now asking for compensation
as well.

You see where this is going, don't you?

Folks, this is part and parcel of over fifty years of
entitlement politics in this country. It's just really sad.

This article is true as checked on Snopes.com at
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/outrage/military.htm

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Subj:     Large Pakastani Unit Meets Indian Soldier (S345b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 8/13/2003

A large group of Pakistani soldiers are moving down a road
when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One
Indian soldier is better than ten Pakis." The Paki commander
quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune
whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few
minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Indian soldier is better than
one hundred Paki." Furious, the Paki commander sends his
next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge
gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again
silence. The Indian voice calls out again "One Indian
soldier is better than one thousand Paki."

The enraged Paki Commander musters one thousand fighters and
sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machineguns
ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Paki fighter crawls back over the
dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don’t
send any more men, it’s a trap. There’s actually two of
them."

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Subj:     GI Deserter Meets Nun
          From: pns on 6/14/2003

A deserter GI was running down a road escaping from two
MPs. He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing
there. He asked her ,"Please Sister, may I hide under
your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later."
The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, the
two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen
a soldier running down the road. She replied, "He went
that way". After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled
out from under her skirt and said: " I can't thank you
enough Sister, but you see, I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said she understood. The GI said, "I hope you
don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most
beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!" The nun replied,
"If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen
the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I
don't want to go to Iraq either!"

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Subj:     French And American Soldiers In Bosnia (S316)
          From: JBCARY1 on 2/14/2003

This is probably urban legend, but its still a good read.

An actual letter from home from a marine with the
multinational force in Bosnia:

Dear Dad,

A funny thing happened to me yesterday at Camp Bondsteel
(Bosnia): A French army officer walked up to me in the
PX, and told me he thought we (Americans) were a bunch of
cowboys and were going to provoke a war in Iraq.

He said if such a thing happens, we wouldn't be able to
count on the support of France.

I told him that it didn't surprise me. Since we had come
to France's rescue in World War I, World War II, Vietnam,
and the Cold War, their ingratitude and jealousy was due
to surface [again] at some point in the near future anyway.

I also told him that is why France is a third-rate military
power with a socialist economy and a bunch of pansies for
soldiers.

I additionally told him that America, being a nation of
deeds and action, not words, would do whatever it had to
do, and France's support, if it ever came, was only for
show anyway.

Just like in ALL NATO exercises, the US would shoulder 85%
of the burden, and provide 85% of the support, as evidenced
by the fact that this French officer was shopping in the
American PX, and not the other way around.

He began to get belligerent at that point, and I told him
if he would like to, I would meet him outside in front of
the Burger King and whip his ass in front of the entire
Multi-National Brigade East, thus demonstrating that even
the smallest American had more fight in him than the
average Frenchman.

He called me a barbarian cowboy and walked away in a huff.
With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Dad, tell Mom I love her,

Your loving daughter,

Mary Beth Johnson
LtCol., USMC

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Subj:     A Message From The Ghost Of General Patton
          From: RFSlick (S388b)
          on 7/5/2004

Be warned. The 'Message From Patton' contains some pictures
I wished I hadn't seen. You can view it on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Paratrooper Jumper (S160, S380)
          From: RFSlick on 01/18/2000

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.
He went though the standard training, completed the practice
jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to
take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called
home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" The father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane,
and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers.
About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" Asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men
one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" Asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was
the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I
was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or
he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed
onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the
Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-
foot five, and 275 pounds.

He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No,
sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper
and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long
and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you
jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" Asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first, but then I got used to it."

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Subj:     LBJ Requests Two Lieutenants (S156, S486)
          From: KMacinty on 01/27/2000
      and From: ICohen on 5/16/2006

It was a fact that LBJ would, on occasion, personally call
military offices and demand special favors. At one such time,
he is said to have called The Basic School, TBS, at Quantico,
Virginia and the conversation went like this:

TBS: "Good afternoon, this is The Basic School. How can I
help you?"

LBJ: "This is President Johnson. We're having a state dinner
here at the White House next Saturday. I want you to send
out two lieutenants to be escorts for my daughters."

TBS: "Yes sir, Mr. President. Is that all?"

LBJ: "I want them in their dress uniforms, tall and good
looking."

TBS: "Yes sir, Mr.President. Two tall, good looking lieu-
tenants, dress uniforms, next Saturday evening. Is
there anything else?"

LBJ: (Remember, LBJ was an old time Texan) "Yeah, don't send
any darned Mexicans!"

TBS: "No sir, Mr. President, no darned Mexicans. Will there
be anything else?"

LBJ: "No, that's all."

Saturday evening came and two tall, good looking Marine lieu-
tenants showed up at the White House, resplendent in their
dress uniforms. They were promptly ushered in to meet Mrs.
Johnson and introduced themselves as being there as escorts
for her daughters. She acknowledged their presence but said,
"But you're both black. There must be some mistake!"

One lieutenant replied: "I don't believe that's possible,
Ma'am. Captain Rodriguez NEVER makes mistakes!"

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Subj:     Selling SGLI Insurance To Soldiers (S148)
          From: KMacinty on 11/29/1999

Private Jones was assigned to the induction center where he
was to advise new recruits about their government benefits,
especially their SGLI insurance. It wasn't long before
Captain Smith noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100%
sign-up record for the insurance, which had never happened
before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of
the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI Insurance to the new
recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle
and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your
beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle
and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of
$6,000." "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think
they will send into battle first?"

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Subj:     Boy Scout Troop Visits Army Base (S138, S403)
          From: TA989287 on 09/21/1999
      and From: hellgunner50 9/30/2004

Below is an exact replication of a National Public Radio (NPR)
interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General
Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting
his military installation.

INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going
to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery, and shooting."

INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly
supervised on the rifle range."

INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly
dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching
them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."

INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become
violent killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute,
but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

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Subj:     Leroy And Jasper Become Sargents (S243)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #274 on 98-12-25
      and From: thebartend on 9/26/2001

Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to
sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and
Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO's Club. Let's
you and me stop in."

"But we're privates," protests Jasper.

"We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now,
Jasper, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper.

"You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We're
sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up
to Leroy. "Your cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw
you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper,
go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means.
If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy
the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a
terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why'd you
give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects
only the privates. " He points to his stripes. . . . "But
we're sergeants now."

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Subj:     Girl Asks Colonel When He Last Had Sex (S116, S475)
          From: ossama on 4/21/99
      and From: DoctorDebt on 2/16/2006

A crusty old Cavalry Colonel found himself at a gala
event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic
ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel
for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you
seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the
time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and
said, "it looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The colonel's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,
said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and
enjoy yourself."

The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't
take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had
sex?"

The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out
and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex
since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-
fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 21:30 now!"

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Subj:     ER Doctors Discusses Vets (S172)
          By CPT Stephen R. Ellison, M.D.
          From: collins on 5/15/00

I am a doctor specializing in Emergency Medicine in the Emer-
gency Departments of the only two military Level One trauma
centers. They are both in San Antonio, TX and they care for
civilian emergencies as well as military personnel.

San Antonio has the largest military retiree population in
the world living here because of the location of these two
large military medical centers. As a military doctor in
training for my specialty I work long hours and the pay
is less than glamorous. One tends to become jaded by the
long hours, lack of sleep, food, family contact and the end-
less parade of human suffering passing before you.

The arrival of another ambulance does not mean more pay, only
more work. Most often it is a victim from a motor vehicle
crash. Often it is a person of dubious character who has
been shot or stabbed. With our large military retiree pop-
ulation it is often a nursing home patient.

Even with my enlisted service and minimal combat experience
in Panama prior to medical school, I have caught myself
groaning when the ambulance brought in yet another sick,
elderly person from one of the local retirement centers
that cater to military retirees. I had not stopped to think
of what citizens of this age group represented.

I saw Saving Private Ryan. I was touched deeply. Not so
much by the carnage in the first 30 minutes but by the
sacrifices of so many. I was touched most by the scene of
the elderly survivor at the graveside asking his wife if
he'd been a good man.

I realized that I had seen these same men and women coming
through my Emergency Dept and had not realized what magnif-
icent sacrifices they had made. The things they did for me
and everyone else who has lived on this planet since the
end of that conflict are priceless.

Situation permitting I now try to ask my patients about their
experiences. They would never bring up the subject without
the inquiry. I have been privileged to an amazing array of
experiences recounted in the brief minutes allowed in an
Emergency Dept encounter.

These experiences have revealed the incredible individuals
I have had the honor of serving in a medical capacity, many
on their last admission to the hospital. There was a frail,
elderly woman who reassured my young enlisted medic trying
to start an IV line in her arm. She remained calm and
poised despite her illness and the multiple needle-sticks
into her fragile veins.

She was what we call a "hard stick." As the medic made
another attempt I noticed a number tattooed across her
forearm. I touched it with one finger and looked into her
eyes. She simply said "Auschwitz." Many of later generations
would have loudly and openly berated the young medic in his
many attempts. How different was the response from this
person who'd seen unspeakable suffering.

A long retired Colonel who as a young USN officer had
parachuted from his burning plane over a pacific island held
by the Japanese. Now an octogenarian, his head cut in a
fall at home where he lived alone. His CT scan and suturing
had been delayed until after midnight by the usual parade
of high priority ambulance patients. Still spry for his
age, he asked to use the phone to call a taxi to take him
home then realized his ambulance had brought him without his
wallet. He asked if he could use the phone to make a long
distance call to his daughter who lived 70 miles away. With
great pride we told him that he could not as he'd done enough
for his country and the least we could do was get him a taxi
home, even if we had to pay for it ourselves. My only regret
was that my shift wouldn't end for several hours and I could
not drive him myself.

I was there the night MSG Roy Benavidez came through the
Emergency Dept for the last time. He was very sick. I was
not the doctor taking care of him but I walked to his bedside
and took his hand. I said nothing. He was so sick he didn't
know I was there. I'd read his Congressional Medal of Honor
citation and wanted to shake his hand. He died a few days
later.

The gentleman who served with Merrill's Marauders, the
survivor of the Baatan Death March, the survivor Omaha Beach,
the 101 year old World War I veteran, the former POW held in
frozen North Korea, the former Special Forces medic now with
non-operable liver cancer, the former Viet Nam Corps Commander.

I remember these citizens. I may still groan when yet another
ambulance comes in but now I am much more aware of what an
honor it is to serve these particular men and women. I am
angered at the cut backs, implemented and proposed, that will
continue to decay their meager retirement benefits.

I see the President and Congress who would turn their back on
these individuals who've sacrificed so much to protect our
liberty. I see later generations that seem to be totally
engrossed in abusing these same liberties won with such
sacrifice. It has become my personal endeavor to make the
nurses and young enlisted medics aware of these amazing
individuals when I encounter them in our Emergency Dept.
Their response to these particular citizens has made me think
that perhaps all is not lost in the next generation.

My experiences have solidified my belief that we are losing an
incredible generation and this nation knows not what it is
losing. Our uncaring government and ungrateful civilian
populace should all take note. We should all remember that
we must " Earn this."

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Subj:     A Soldier And His Coffee - Picture (S401)
          From: JokesUncut on 9/18/2004
          At: www.ezines4all.com/at200408/015.htm

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Subj:     What Is A Veteran? (S93, S145)
          From: thebartend on 98-11-11
          (See 'To The Veteran' and 'The Infantry Man' in SOLDIER2)

Some veterans bear visible signs of their service: a missing
limb, a jagged scar, a certain look in the eye. Others may
carry the evidence inside them: a pin holding a bone together,
a piece of shrapnel in the leg or perhaps another sort of
inner steel: the soul's ally forged in the refinery of
adversity. Except in parades, however, the men and women who
have kept America safe wear no badge or emblem. You can't
tell a vet just by looking.

What is a vet?

He is the cop on the beat who spent six months in Saudi
Arabia sweating two gallons a day making sure the armored
personnel carriers didn't run out of fuel.

He is the barroom loudmouth, dumber than five wooden planks,
whose overgrown frat-boy behavior is outweighed a hundred
times in the cosmic scales by four hours of exquisite bravery
near the 38th parallel.

She - or he - is the nurse who fought against futility and
went to sleep sobbing every night for two solid years in
Da Nang.

He is the POW who went away one person and came back another
- or didn't come back AT ALL.

He is the Quantico drill instructor who has never seen combat
- but has saved countless lives by turning slouchy, no-account
rednecks and gang members into Marines, and teaching them to
watch each other's backs.

He is the parade - riding Legionnaire who pins on his ribbons
and medals with a prosthetic hand.

He is the career quartermaster who watches the ribbons and
medals pass him by.

He is the three anonymous heroes in The Tomb Of The Unknowns,
whose presence at the Arlington National Cemetery must forever
preserve the memory of all the anonymous heroes whose valor
dies unrecognized with them on the battlefield or in the
ocean's sunless deep.

He is the old guy bagging groceries at the supermarket -
palsied now and aggravatingly slow - who helped liberate a
Nazi death camp and who wishes all day long that his wife
were still alive to hold him when the nightmares come.

He is an ordinary and yet an extraordinary human being - a
person who offered some of his life's most vital years in
the service of his country, and who sacrificed his ambitions
so others would not have to sacrifice theirs.

He is a soldier and a savior and a sword against the
darkness, and he is nothing more than the finest, greatest
testimony on behalf of the finest, greatest nation ever
known.

So remember, each time you see someone who has served our
country, just lean over and say "Thank You." That's all
most people need, and in most cases it will mean more than
any medals they could have been awarded or were awarded.

Two little words that mean a lot, "THANK YOU".

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Subj:     CO And 1st Sgt. Stare At The Stars
          From: RFSlick on 98-10-12
          (Also see 'Sherlock Holmes Goes Camping' in SHERLOCK_HOLMES)

The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field.
As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: "Sir, look
up into the sky and tell me what you see."

The CO said "I see millions of stars."

1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
     galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically,
     it tells me that God is great and that we are small and
     insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will
     have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"

1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

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Subj:     Soldier On Sentry Duty
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #194 on 98-08-19

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His
orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a
special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came
up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said,
"Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have
a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through.
I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a
sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General,
I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

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Subj:     Two Old Soldiers Brag
          From: RFSlick on 98-08-12

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army
days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one,
"that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap,
slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company
presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first.

"Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."

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Subj:     Secretary Notices Boss's Barracks Is Open (S115, S561)
          From: collins2 on 4/6/99
      and From: ginafm on 10/15/2007

Mr. Larsen got himself a new secretary. She was young,
sweet and very polite. One day while taking dictation,
she noticed his fly was open.

When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks
door is open."

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened
to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided
to have some fun with his secretary, calling herin, he
asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks
doorwas open this morning, did you also notice a soldier
standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir,
all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two
duffel bags."

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Subj:     Armforce's Shit
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/23/98

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his
back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles,
and says, "This is shit."

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb.
pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from
an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile,
"This is good shit!"

A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55 lb pack on his back, weapon
in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through
a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy
positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit."

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud
of a swamp with a 65 lb pack on his back and weapons in both
hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into
the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several
alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles
through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love
this shit!"

An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air
conditioned, carpeted BOQ room and says, "The cable's out?
What kind of shit is this?"

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Subj:     Sleeping Single Or Married?
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/8/98

A woman army driver, after a long drive arrived at her
destination, a remote camp, at midnight.

The sergeant on duty showed her where to leave the lorry,
and then said, "Where will you sleep tonight?"

She said, "Well, the only thing I could do is to kip in
the cab."

The sergeant thought for a moment and said, "It's a cold
night, tell you what, you can have my bunk if you like,
I'll sleep on the floor." The girl eagerly accepted the
offer.

After the girl turned in, she felt sorry for the sergeant
sleeping there on the cold hard floor, and offered him to
squeeze in alongside of her on the bunk. Without much ado,
the sarge got in and then said, "Do you want to sleep
single or married?" The girl giggled and said, "It'd be
nice if we slept 'married' don't you?"

"Well okay, if that's what you want, we'll sleep 'married'
then," he said turning his back on her and going off to
sleep.

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Subj:     Decoy (S56)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98

Excerpted from the book "Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage
Deceptions of World War II", by Seymour Reit; Signet, 1980.

Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a
tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran
Allied pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with
meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.

There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements,
trucks, and aircraft.

The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy
that Allied photo experts had more than enough time to
observe and report it.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down
to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning,
a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled
the field once, and dropped a large ...............
wooden bomb.

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Subj:     WW II Soldier On Leave
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in
Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week
of R and R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in
the south of England, then caught a train to London. The
train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat.
He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train
looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a
compartment with seats facing each other; there was room
for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper
looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in
the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that
seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted; "You Americans
are so rude" she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting
there"? He walked through the train more and still could
not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.
"Lady, I love dogs I have a couple at home - so I would
be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down" he said.

The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude you are
arrogant." He leaned against the wall for a time, but
was so tired he finally said "Lady, I've been on the
front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent
rest for all that time; could I please sit there and
hold your dog?"

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and
arrogant, you are also obnoxious." With that comment,
the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw
it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless.

An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the
other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all
you Americans fit the lady's description. But I do know
that you Americans do a lot of things wrong.

You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your
fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown
the wrong bitch out of the window" !!

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Subj:     True Inspection Story
          From: Bawdy.Net All Female Collage #196 on 97-09-14

Your collage mentioning the trick of putting peanut butter
on toilet paper reminds of an army story that a buddy of
mine told me.

Their unit was preparing their barracks for a colonel's
inspection (very big thing!), with everyone being in charge
of having one area of the barracks, over and above their
personal living area, spotlessly clean.

When the day of the inspection came around and everyone was
lined up outside, the guy in charge of the latrines quickly
disappeared inside to do a "last minute check". What he
actually did was place a large blob of peanut butter in the
toilet seat.

The colonel came, inspected the men and went inside to
complete his inspection of the barracks, accompanied by the
staff sergeant. Suddenly a roar rose from the latrines:

Colonel: "Private!"

Private runs inside.

"'Yes, sir!"

"What's this?"

Private dips finger in substance, places finger in mouth.

"It's shit, sir!"

The colonel instantly threw up over the entire latrine.
The next day, the colonel spotted the pivate from halfway
across the parade ground and threw up again (presumably
the private was doing his ten thousandth push-up at the
time).

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #198 on 97-09-25
"In the 'All Female Collage #196' I recognized Alexis'
story. I was there; it actually happened! -- unless it
happened twice!

I was in basic training at Fort Dix, New Jersey, in March
and April 1954, in Fort Devens, Massachusetts from May to
sometime late in 1954, -- and in Fort Bragg, North Carolina
most of 1955. I believe it happened at Fort Dix but it may
have been one of the other two places. I remember the
incident distinctly; I've been telling the story for years.
It's one of my kids' favorites.

As I recall, the Colonel said, "*What* is *that*?" and the
Private, after tasting it, answered in only two words,
"Shit, Sir!" I don't remember the vomiting; I remember
one hell of a lot of shouting! The guy who did it *threw*
a gob into the side of the bowl, above the water line,
where it stuck.

And "Texas Big Bird" says:

"I first heard the 'peanut butter - tastes like shit' story
when in basic training at Keesler AFB Mississippi in 1961.
36 years later, here it is again. I guess that proves
there is really nothing new under the Sun.

THE IDIOT!! If he hadn't admitted to that, he would have
been up for a promotion at work!"

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Subj:     The Queen And Three Soldiers In The Hospital (S41)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #207 on 97-11-03

The Queen is visiting a hospital and asks the first soldier,
"And what are you in here for, soldier?"

To which he replies, "Venereal disease."

"Oh dear, what is the treatment for that then?"

"A wire brush and Dettol."

"Oh really, ahm, what is your ambition then, soldier?"

"To get out of here and serve my country."

"Well done, soldier," says the Queen and moves on to the
next bed. "And what are you in here for, soldier?"

To which he replies, "Piles."

Oh dear, what is the treatment for that then?"

"A wire brush and Dettol."

"Oh really, ahm, what is your ambition then, soldier?"

"To get out of here and serve my country"

"Well done, soldier" says the Queen and moves on to the next
bed. "And what are you in here for, soldier?"

To which he replies "Strepthroat."

"Oh dear, what is the treatment for that then?"

"A wire brush and Dettol."

"Oh really, ahm, what is your ambition then, soldier?"

"To get to the wire brush before those other two bastards!"

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Subj:     Toy Soldier To Be Beheaded In Iraq (S418)
          From: BoneheadOfTheDayAward
          on 2/1/2005

Source: http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050201/D87VU1582.html

The AP News Story of a US soldier in Iraq who was to be
beheaded can be viewed at the source above. The soldier
turned out to be a 12 inch doll and can be viewed by
clicking 'HERE' for the file version.

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Smileys capture Sadam from
Smiley_Central

.