soldier2

Subj: Soldier2 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 60 jokes and articles)

Click 'HERE' got Soldier-Supp

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Subj:     To The Veteran (S351)
          From: RFSlick2 on 10/22/2003
          (See 'What Is A Veteran?' and 'The Infantry Man' in SOLDIER2)

It is the VETERAN, not the preacher,
who has given us freedom of religion.
It is the VETERAN, not the reporter,
who has given us freedom of the press.
It is the VETERAN, not the poet,
who has given us freedom of speech.
It is the VETERAN, not the campus organizer,
who has given us freedom to assemble.
It is the VETERAN, not the lawyer,
who has given us the right to a fair trial.
It is the VETERAN, not the politician,
Who has given us the right to vote.

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Subj:     Sears And The Army Reservists (S383)
          From: RFSlick on 6/1/2004

I assume you have all see the reports about how Sears is
treating its reservist employees who are activated to duty?
By law, they are required to hold their jobs open and
available, but nothing more. Usually, people take a big
pay cut and lose benefits as a result of being activated ..
Sears is voluntarily paying the difference in salaries and
maintaining all benefits, including medical insurance and
bonus programs, for all activated to duty reservist
employees for up to two years.

I submit that Sears is an exemplary corporate citizen and
should be recognized for its contribution. I suggest we
all shop at Sears, and be sure to find a manager to tell
them why we are there so the company gets the positive
reinforcement it well deserves.

Pass it on.

The story is true as checked at
http://www.snopes.com/politics/military/sears.asp

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Subj:     'Star Wars' Soldier Of the Future (S331)
          From: jerry on 6/2/2003

To see the Star Wars imperial soldier-like "scorpion
ensemble" battle uniform being developed by the U.S.
Army for 2011 go to my web site by clicking 'Here'.

The uniforms will:
   ? Monitor vial signs
   ? Plug into a massive satellite network, unmanned planes
     and robotic vehicles
   ? Come with built-in tourniquets that might be tightened
     and loosened remotely
   ? Have a helmet with tiny built-in cameras for spotting
     people in the dark or concealed by bushes which will
     project the images semi transparently to the soldier
   ? Provide maps, global-positioning coordinates and other
     location data, and
   ? Be able to identify friends and foes

Red Nova 1-Jun-03

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Subj:     British vs French Uniforms (S323b)
          From: RFSlick on 4/3/2003

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During
one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking
the major to their headquarters, the French general began
to question him. The French general asked, "Why do you
English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the
red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general
that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that
if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they
are leading won't panic. And that is why from that day
to now all French Army officers wear brown pants.

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Subj:     Laws Of Combat (S299b)
          From: RFSlick on 10/21/2002

(1) War is Hell, you don't want to go there; but if
you must, here are some thoughts ...

(2) A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher
      fire when you least expect it. That would make you
      quite unpopular in what's left of your unit - Army's
      magazine of preventive maintenance.

(3) Aim towards Enemy - Instruction printed on US
Rocket Launcher

(4) When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

(5) If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid.

(6) Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.
The bombs always hit the ground.

(7) If the enemy is in range, SO ARE YOU.

(8) It is generally inadvisable to eject directly
over the area you just bombed.

(9) Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword
obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

(10) When in doubt, empty the magazine.

(11) If God had meant for us to be in the Navy,
we would have been born with gray, baggy skin.

(12) Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

(13) You, you, and you... Panic. The rest of you,
come with me.

(14) Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.

(15) Incoming fire has the right of way.

(16) Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.

(17) Tracers work both ways.

(18) Five second fuses only last three seconds.

(19) Who cares if a laser guided 500 lb. bomb is
accurate to within 9 feet?

(20) The easy way is always mined.

(21) Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.

(22) Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.

(23) If your attack is going well, you have walked
into an ambush.

(24) If you can't remember, the Claymore mine is
pointed towards you.

(25) Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy
someone else to shoot at.

(26) Push to test... Release to DETONATE.

(27) No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

(28) Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and
you can't get out.

(29) Any ship can be a minesweeper...AT LEAST ONCE.

(30) Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have
nothing to do.

(31) The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed
in war.

(32) Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

(33) The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
* When you're ready for them.
* When you're not ready for them.

(35) Combat will occur on the ground between two
adjoining maps.

(36) Friendly fire - ISN'T.

(37) The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

(38) When you're short of everything but the enemy,
you're in combat.

(39) Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

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Subj:     The Lee Marvin Story (S299)
          From: RFSlick on 10/21/2002

Captain Kangaroo turned 75 recently, which is odd, because
he's never looked a day under 75. (Birthday 6/27/27)
It reminded me of the following story. Hope you enjoy it
as much as I did.

Some people have been a bit offended that Lee Marvin is
buried in a grave alongside 3 and 4 star generals at
Arlington National Cemetery. His marker gives his name,
rank (PVT) and service (SSMC). Nothing else. Here's a
guy who was only a famous movie star who served his time,
why the heck does he rate burial with these guys?

Well, following is the amazing answer:

I always liked Lee Marvin, but did not know the extent of
his Corps experiences. In a time when many Hollywood
stars served their country in the armed forces, often in
rear-echelon posts where they were carefully protected,
only to be trotted out to perform for the cameras in war
bond promotions, Lee Marvin was a genuine hero. He won
the Navy Cross at Iwo Jima. There is only one higher Naval
award... the Medal Of Honor.

If that is a surprising comment on the true character of
the man, he credits his sergeant with an even greater show
of bravery.

Dialog >From The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson: His guest
was Lee Marvin.

Johnny said, "Lee, I'll bet a lot of people are unaware
that you were a Marine in the initial landing at Iwo Jima...
and that during the course of that action you earned the
Navy Cross and were severely wounded."

"Yeah, yeah... I got shot square in the ass and they gave
me the Cross for securing a hot spot about halfway up
Suribachi... bad thing about getting shot up on a mountain
is guys gettin' shot hauling you down. But Johnny, at Iwo
I served under the bravest man I ever knew... We both got
the Cross the same day, but what he did for his Cross made
mine look cheap in comparison. The dumb bastard actually
stood up on Red beach and directed his troops to move
forward and get the hell off the beach. That Sergeant and
I have been lifelong friends. When they brought me off
Suribachi we passed the Sergeant and he lit a smoke and
passed it to me lying on my belly on the litter and said,
'Where'd they get you Lee?' And I said: Well Bob... if
you make it home before me, tell Mom to sell the outhouse!

Johnny, I'm not lying... Sergeant Keeshan was the bravest
man I ever knew..... Bob Keeshan... You and the world know
him as Captain Kangaroo."

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Subj:     The Lee Marvin Story Is An Urban Legends (S300)
          From: Dan_Dwyer on 10/28/2002
          (See 'The Ultimate Urban Legend' in STORIES)

...I HATE urban legends that distort the facts about people
and institutions that can't set the record straight for
themselves. The Lee Marvin Story is a case in point. Even
though it is complimentary to both Marvin and Keeshan, it's
still BULLSHIT, and I'm sure that both men would be appalled
by it.

Marvin WAS shot in the butt during WWII, but it was on on
Saipan. He got a purple heart, but no Navy Cross. Keeshan
was still in Marine Boot Camp when the bomb was dropped on
Hiroshima; he never saw combat.

I'm not writing this just to rant; I have a suggestion. Are
you familiar with ?www.snopes2.com>? It's a very reliable
website that researches e-hoaxes, urban legends, and other
crap that makes the rounds on the internet. It has an
excellent search engine, and it usually only takes a few
minutes to get the real scoop on stories like this one....

Thanks Dan for correcting me. At your suggestion I went to
www.snopes2.com, the Urban Legends References Pages, and
with in a few clicks, found the Lee Marvin Legend.

From: tnkr@pacbell.net on 10/27/2002
Oh darn,

I loved this story!!!!

However, it appears that it is only one of the email hoaxes.

http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/keeshan.htm

Becky

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Subj:     Coming Home (S509 in Plane1)
          From: darrell94590
          on 10/19/2006

This story with pictures is so powerful, I cried. You can
view it on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Two Enemy Soldiers Meet (S280)
          From: http://www.twistedhumor.com on 10/2/2000

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi
border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled
dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A
short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled
American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road,
who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his
blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed
to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi
border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted,
"Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!"
He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "Bill
Clinton is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

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Subj:     Military Retaliation (S276c)
          From: RFSlick on 11/25/2001

What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone
about the terrorist attacks who doesn't believe in
retaliation:

1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force
    is appropriate.
2. When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"
3. Wait until he says something to the effect of -
    "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths,
    which would be awful and we should not cause more
    violence."
4. When he's in mid-sentence, punch him in the face
    as hard as you can.
5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that
    it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to
    strike you, because that would be awful and he
    should not cause more violence.
6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to
    commit additional violence.
7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.
    Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that
    sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

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Subj:     Definition of 'Unlawful Combatant' (S261b)
..........From: jerry on 1/29/2002

According to U.S. Defense Secretary Rumsfeld, the Taliban
and al Qaeda fighters being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba,
are not prisoners of war but "unlawful combatants."

So, what's the difference and why?

Prisoners of war are entitled to the protections of the
1949 Geneva Convention while unlawful combatants do not
qualify. Only those who play war by the accepted rules
of war, as outlined by the convention, qualify for these
protections.

To be compliant, one must fight for a military organization
satisfying these four requirements:

?Commanded by a person responsible for his subordinates,

?Having a fixed distinctive sign recognizable at a distance,

?Carrying arms openly

? Conducting operations in accordance with the laws and
customs of war.

While the al Qaeda failed to meet any four, the Taliban
fighters failed to meet the last three.

So what do they lose? They can have military tribunal
trials. They do not get to have civilian trials. Military
tribunals are more irregular. Unlawful combatants are not
entitled to the substantive and procedural protections that
a prisoner of war would get. They are not entitled to
repatriation (return to their country).

Other consequences appear in the original story.

FindLaw 23-Jan-02

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Subj:     The War (S250b)

The War is a series of headlines from WWII which are quite
similar to the headlines that have appeared since the New
York Twin Towers was bombed. Click 'HERE' to read them.

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Subj:     Memorial Day Quotations (S226)
          From: TAdams on 5/25/2001

"From one end of the world to the other, he has drained deep
the chalice of courage. As I listened to those songs in
memory's eye, I could see those staggering columns of the
First World War, bending under soggy packs on many a weary
march, from dripping dusk to drizzling dawn, slogging ankle
deep through the mire of shell-pocked roads to form grimly
for the attack, blue-lipped, covered with sludge and mud,
chilled by the wind and rain, driving home to their objective,
and, for many, to the judgment seat of God."

"I do not know the dignity of their birth, but I do know the
glory of their death. They died unquestioning, uncomplaining,
with faith in their hearts, and on their lips the hope that
we would go on to victory. Always for them duty, honor,
country."

By, of course, Gen. Douglas MacArthur.

and then this:

The happiness of these days has been paid for by others,
leaving us in debt not just to the past but to the future
- for it, too, in all its complexity and sophistication,
will have to be built on bedrock. On duty, honor, country.

By Paul Greenberg

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember...
The Ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic by professionals.

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Subj:     Soldier At Front Gets 'Dear John' Letter (S309)
          From: thebartend on 1/3/2003

An Army Ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was
there he received a letter from his girlfriend, in which
she explained that she had slept with two guys while he
had been gone, she wanted to break up with him, and she
wanted back the photo of herself she had given him.

So the Ranger did what any squared-away Ranger would do.
He went around to his buddies and collected all the
unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed
about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following
note:

"I'm sorry, I can't remember which one you are, but
please take the one that belongs to you and send the
rest back."

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Subj: Soldier At Front Gets 'Dear John' Letter2 (S486b)
      From: gordonschuk
      on 5/15/2006

Thus Power Point Presentation is cute rewrite of the old
classic joke. You can view it on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Redneck Joins The Army (S290b)
          From: RFSlick on 8/18/2002

Subject: The Army beats working.....oh my ggoodness...

Mr. and Mrs. Braithwaite Backus,
Bald Buzzard Ridge
Mountainville, RFD 2

Dear Ma and Pa:

Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer
the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them
to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till
nearly 6 a.m. but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell
Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your
cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to
pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically
nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal,
eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes,
beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But
tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city
boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you
till noon, when you get fed.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on
"route marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell
him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our
mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and
we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt.
is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around
and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-
eye is near as big as a chipmonk and don't move. And it
ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All
you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You
don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before
other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving son,
Zeb

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof
and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very
good. - Z.

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Subj:     Marine Salutes Bush (S215)
          From: JBCARY1 on 3/15/2001

CNN on Thursday, February 22nd showed President George W.
Bush departing Marine One. The Marine at the front step
saluted, President Bush returned it, and as he walked away,
the Marine executed a right face to stand facing President
Bush's back--something Marines did not do in eight years of
the Clinton presidency.

The traditional Marine Corps mark of respect was rendered
to the new president. That tradition goes back to the days
in the rigging, when the Marine Orderly to a ship's Captain
would always face him, no matter his direction of movement.
This was done so the Marine Orderly was always ready to
receive the Captain's order.

Leave it to the Marines to speak volumes without ever saying
a word! Hoo-rah!

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Subj:     Three Generals Retire (S201, S400)
          From: KMACINTY on 12/7/2000
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 8/23/2004

The Pentagon recently discovered it had too many generals
and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any
general who retired straight away his full annual benefits
plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line
between any two points on the general's body, with the
general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked
the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the
tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of
$720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure
from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight
feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked
where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip
of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general
might like to reconsider, pointing out the large sums the
previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted
and the pension expert said that would be fine but that
he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to
drop em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape
on the tip of the general's penis and began to work
back.

My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "In Vietnam."

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Subj:     Special Camouflage Unit (S176)
          From: RFSlick on 6/17/00
          (Also see 'Father Takes Son Hunting' in HUNTING_CAMPING)

A special section of the army was practicing it's camouflage
skills. They were all dressed as trees and had blended
themselves in with the forest. The general is driving by to
inspect his hidden ranks and judge the effectiveness of the
maneuver when suddenly one of the soldiers breaks the drill
and starts running around the place, jumping and screaming.

Finally he's apprehended and brought before the general, who
asks: "Soldier, do you realize that you may have jeopardized
the whole exercise by your irresponsible behavior?"

The soldier explains, "Sir, I'm sorry. I did my best. I did
nothing when birds came by and tried to make a nest in my arms.
I endured it when a dog came by and relieved himself on my
shoes. But sir, I had to get moving when two squirrels ran up
my pants and decided to eat one now and save the other for
winter..."

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Subj:     Military Type Quotes
          From: octagon999 over time

Kill for Peace,

Nuke them till they glow, and shoot'em in the dark!

Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.

I love the smell of napalm in the morning.

Peace through superior firepower..

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,

Smoke 'em if ya got 'em (in your sights).

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #262 on 98-07-28
It's not who you kill. It's what type of cereal you eat
out of their skull.

From: BawdyNet Test Message on 98-02-28
In Germany they came first for the Communists, and I
didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then
they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because
I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up
because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and
by that time no one was left to speak up.
Martin Niemoeller, German Lutheran Pastor

From: humorlist-digest V2 #126 on 98-05-21
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

From: ossama on 98-08-21
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved
through a suitable application of high explosives.

From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

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Subj:     Hanoi Jane (S160)
          From: collins2 on 01/15/2000
Picture from VetsTribute.com

This article about Jane Fonda and the North Vietnamese is
so long, I put it on a seperate web page. Click 'HERE'
to see it.

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Subj:     Short Soldier Jokes

Top
Subj: James Arness in WWII (S460b - movies-etc-supp)
From: igiggle on 11/14/2005
During World War II, before James Arness portrayed U.S.
marshall Matt Dillon in Gunsmoke, he was the first
American soldier to jump off his boat at the Anzio
beachhead. He was ordered to do so by his commanding
officer because, standing at 6'8", Arness was the
tallest man in his company, and the water's depth
needed to be tested as a safety precaution.

Top
Subj: Troop Death Rate In Iraq (S427b)
From: RFSlick on 3/30/2005
If you consider that there have been an average of 160,000
troops in Iraq during the last 22 months, that gives a
firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000.

The firearm death rate in DC is 80.6 per 100,000.

That means that you are more likely to be shot and killed
in our nation's Capitol, which has some of the strictest
gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq.

The conclusion?

We should immediately pull out of WASHINGTON, DC!

Top
Subj: Site For Sending Care Packages To Troops (S368)
From: agrief on 2/11/2004
During Vietnam, the soldiers were treated very badly
by a large group of Americans. Sites like this are wonderful.
http://www.anysoldier.us/

Top
Subj: The Infantry Man (S357)
From: SCHULACES3 on 11/30/2003
Nice internet site that pays tribute to the infantry man.
http://www.saintsandheroes.com/infantry/

Top
Subj: New Medal (S352b)
From: samhutkins on 10/25/2003
To view the new medal click 'HERE'. I can think of several
very deserving recipients of the distinguished award.

Top
Subj: Weapons Of Mass Destruction (S336b)
From: auntiegah@yahoo.com on 7/7/2003
Source: http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
You can view this cute web page at the source above, or
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: Jessica Lynch Story (S329)
From: merlin_of_chaos on 5/21/2003
I don't know how many of you guys know about the Jessica
Lynch story, but apparently she was POW and there were
some US troops who came in the hospital and "rescued"
her...well that's what the US media tells us. Here's
the BBC news account of the story stating that it was all
probably staged...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/correspondent/3028585.stm

Here's the BBC article with the pentagon's response. The
Pentagon didn't "know" about the incident.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/3043115.stm

Here's an article where the BBC reporter states even he
didn't think it was staged:

http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/meast
/05/19/cnna.kampener.lynch/index.html

And a response by the military where they explain that
people don't go unarmed in a war zone (i.e. use blanks),
and don't assume that any place is safe:

http://www.cnn.com/2003/US/05/19
/sprj.irq.bbc.lynch.dod/index.html

And on a final note...Amnesty International declares Barney
songs "torture"

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/3042907.stm

Top
Subj: The Photo 'Saddam's Crib' (S325b)
From: samhutkins on 4/17/2003
The photo 'Saddam's Crib' can be seen on my web site by
clciking 'Here'.

Top
Subj:     Peace Poem
          From: tadams96 on 3/27/2003
Here's a lesson for beginners
Beguiled by pacifist spinners:
There are at least
Two kinds of peace,
The loser's and the winner's.
   -— F.R. Duplantier

Top
Subj: British Forces Test Fire Weapons (S319)
From: jerry on 3/10/2003
When British forces in Kuwait began test firing their
weapons during a routine exercise they were suddenly
confronted by about a dozen Iraqi troops who came over
the border after them, thinking the war had started,...
to surrender.

They were sent back over the border after being told
that it was too early to surrender.

The UK Mirror 9-Mar-03

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Subj: USMC Bumper Sticker (S318)
From: RFSlick on 3/2/2003
The USMC Bumper Sticker about a war in Iraq can be seen
on my web site by clicking 'Here'.

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Subj: Army Work Party (S270b)
From: www.TwistedHumor.com on 3/11/02
It was early morning at the military base, and the first
sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties
listed on a piece of paper:

"Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky"
"Here!" "Se eback"

No answer.

"Seeback!"

No answer was heard again.

"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's
ear. He looked again at what the last name really said,
quickly turned over the list and continued calling the
names printed on the other side.

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Subj: Drill Sergent Chews Out Cadets (S174)
..........From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/2/00
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and
as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said,
"I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge. I promised myself that
when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line."

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Subj: Soldier With Hurt Foot
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #266 on 98-08-15
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are
dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one
man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and
says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog shit, 20
feet back."

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Subj: Parachute Jump
From: ipkis on 97-12-06
Just before a soldier made his first parachute jump, his
sergeant reminded him, "Count to ten and pull the first
rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for the
auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up."

The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted
to ten, and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened. He
pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened. As he
careened crazily earthward, he said to himself: "Now I'll
bet that truck won't be there either!"

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Subj:     Pissing At Urnal
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #275 on 97-12-13
          (Also see 'Three Men At The Urinals' in Cowboy2)
Even though a fellow was late for his flight, he dashed
into the airport men's room, pissed, and quickly headed
for the door. At one of the sinks a Marine sergeant was
washing his hands.

The Leatherneck called to the man, "Hey, buddy, in the
Marine Corps they teach us to wash our hands after going
to the bathroom."

The fellow stepped back into the men's room and looked at
the Marine. "Well, I'm Navy, Sarge, and they teach us not
to piss on our hands!"

Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves
when they rode past their king. This custom has become
the modern military salute.

The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the
   balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old
   cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs
   were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey.
   When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and
   break off...Thus the saying.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #217 on 97-12-16
And Gerg says, "I first heard that joke twenty years ago
this month, from one of my drill instructors in Marine
Corps boot camp, from which you may accurately surmise
that Michael must have inadvertently gotten his jarheads
and his squids mixed up! :)

From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97
G:   "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in
       the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
                              -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire
when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpop-
ular in what's left of your unit.
-- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine,
the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
    The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many
    bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s,
    the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring
    separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during
World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

From: auntieg on 98-11-14
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both
front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the
horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a
result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all
four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.

From: TAdams on 7/27/2001 (S235)
I ain't here to win the war; I'm hear to kill the enemy of
my people. Either I'm going to kill them or they're going
to kill me. Either way, it doesn't prove who is right;
just who is left. -- Unknown

From: RFSlick on 12/5/2001 (S253)
"IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN...
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING!!!"
-- United States Marines

From: TAdams on 4/20/2001 (S221)
"We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready
in the night tovisit violence on those who would do us harm."
-- George Orwell

From: LABLaughs.com on 3/26/2002 (S270c)
If a man does his best, what else is there?
-- General George S. Patton (1885-1945)

From: LABLaughs.com on 7/2/2002 (S283b)
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
-- General George S. Patton (1885-1945)

Also see 'Patton on Challenges' in THO-LEARN-SUPP2

From: LABLaughs.com on 4/3/2002 (S270c)
"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."
-- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

From: LABLaughs.com on 8/10/2002 (S289b)
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

From: LABLaughs.com on 4/18/2002
"I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to
demonstrate my perfect right." -- Frederick (II) the Great

From: LABLaughs.com on 5/2/2002 (S274c)
"The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy."
-- Von Clausewitz (1780-1831)

From: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story?cid=573
?ncid=757?e=4?u=/nm/20020709/od_nm/hitler_wap_dc_1 on 7/9/02
"The victor will never be asked if he told the truth"
-- Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler

From: LABLaughs.com on 11/27/2002 (S304)
Morale is a state of mind. It is steadfastness and
courage and hope. -- General George Marshall

From: igiggle on 5/3/2003 (S327b)
My Dear McClellan:

If you don't want to use the army I should like
to borrow it for a while.

~~Abraham Lincoln in a letter to his inactive Civil War general

From: igiggle on 5/4/2003 (S327b)
One thing I don't want around me is an intellectual military.
I don't have to worry about you on that score.
-- Henry Kissinger to General Alexander Haig

From: RFSlick on 12/7/2003 (S358b - in BumperSticker)
"If you can read this - THANK A TEACHER,
If you're reading it in English - THANK A VETERAN!"

From: LABLaughsClean on 4/19/2005 (S429b)
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.." -- Elayne Boosler

From: LABLaughsClean on 3/13/2007 (S477b)
"We are going to have peace even if we have to
fight for it." -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Bawdy.Net Collage #178
Q: Why did the army send so many premenstrual women to
the Gulf?
A: Because they fought like animals and retained water
for four days.

From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/8/2005 (S420b)
Q: Why was drill sergeant's daughter a virgin?
A: She knew when to call a halt

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Smiley shaves Sadam from
Smiley_Central

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