(Includes 45 jokes and articles)
Click "Here" for Santa-Supp
Wreath
from
| Subj:
Santa and Elf Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 45 jokes and articles) Click "Here" for Santa-Supp |
|
Wreath from |
Includes the following: Letters
to Santa (S567c in Supp)
.........................Santa
Catch - Game (S465b)
.........................Santa
Balls2 - Game (S465)
.........................Santa's
Reindeer (S248, S463)
.........................Santa's
Christmas Night Diet (S306b)
.........................The
Real Santa (S252, S518)
.........................Santa
Claus Is Super Claus
.........................Santa
Is A Woman! (S202)
.........................Santa's
Going To Be Late (S201)
.........................Beautiful
Girl Waits For Santa (S151)
.........................Rudolph's
Operation (S100)
.........................The
Day Santa Wasn't Jolly (47)
.........................Santa
Is Propositioned (46)
.........................In
The Wrong Job - Cartoon (S413)
.........................Santa's
Elf Has Itchy Balls
.........................Little
Girl On Santa's Lap (S183)
.........................Is
There A Santa Claus?
.........................If
Santa Answered His Mail Honestly... (S201)
.........................Memo
From Santa Claus (S206)
.........................Letter
From Santa (S45)
.........................Top
Ten Elf Pet Peeves
.........................Short
Santa And Elf Jokes
..............................Reindeer
Ensemble (S568c in Supp)
..............................A
Christmas Story (S568b in Supp)
..............................Deep
Freeze - Game (S547)
..............................Believe
In Santa (S517b)
..............................North
Pole Dancing (S516)
..............................Santa's
North Pole Party (S455)
..............................Santa's
Hot Tub (S464)
..............................Santa's
Warm Weather Helpers (S464)
..............................Dirty
Santa Cartoon (S464)
..............................Ho-Ho-Ho.wav
..............................Email
Santa (S463)
..............................The
Legend Of St. Nicholas (S463)
..............................Santa
Sees A Hundred Dollar Bill (S256b)
..............................The
Four Stages Of Life: (S252)
Also see BARBIE file - 'Barbie's
Letter To Santa:'
CHRISTMAS1 - (whole
file)
CHRISTMAS2 - (whole
file)
CHRISTMAS3NBC- (whole file)
CHRISTMAS4 - (whole
file)
CHURCH-SUPP - 'Sunday
School, Damnation, And Santa'
FAIRYTALES - 'The
Three Little Pigs At Christmas' - Movie
MARRIAGE3 - 'Perfect
Couple Meets Santa'
MARRIAGE3 - 'Perfect
Couple Meets Santa - Movie'
PROFESSOR - 'Professor
Santa Claus'
RUSSIAN file - 'A
Weather Man Named Rudolf'
SANTA2-DRAW - 'Dear
Santa Letter'
============================================================Top
| Subj:
Santa Catch (S465b)
From: igiggle on 12/23/2005 |
 |
Silly game where you catch the
following presents. You can
play it at the source, or on
my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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 |
Subj:
Santa Balls2 (S465)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 12/21/2005 |
Cute, witty game where you must
get three similar balls in a
straight line. You can
play the game at the source above, or
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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| Subj:
Santa's Reindeer (S248, S463)
From: kmacinty on 11/1/2001 and From: darrell94590 on 12/8/2005 |
 |
Drawing from darrell94590 |
According to the Alaska Department
of Fish and Game, while
both male and female reindeer
grow antlers in the summer
each year, male reindeer drop
their antlers at the beginning
of winter, usually late November
to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their
antlers till after they give
birth in the spring. Therefore,
according to every
historical rendition depicting
Santa's reindeer, every
single one of them, from Rudolph
to Blitzen ...had to be a
girl.
We should've known. Only
women would be able to drag a fat
man in a red velvet suit all
around the world in one night,
and not get lost.
\\\//
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Subj: Santa's
Christmas Night Diet (S306b)
From: Cypriot on 12/13/2002
Let's say there are 2 billion children in the world.
Santa doesn't (appear) to handle
the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish
and Buddhist children, so the
workload is reduced to 15%
of the total. That leaves
378 million according to
Population Reference Bureau.
At an average (census) rate
of 3.5 children per household,
that's 91.8 million homes.
One presumes there's at least
one good child in each.
Santa has to climb down and up
each chimney. Lets say
that Santa jumps instead of
climbing and that each jump
on average burns 120 calories.
Jumping rope burns 20
calories per minute. At
60 jumps per minute, each jump
burns 0.33 calories, but this
jump is only an inch high.
Santa has to jump 30 feet high,
on average, to clear a
chimney, so he burns 0.33 *
12 * 30 = 120 calories in
one jump. With running
to and from the sleigh, let's
say he burns 150 calories per
house that he visits.
At this pace of work, Santa will
get extremely hungry,
very quickly. There are
3500 calories of worthwhile
energy stored in a pound of
body fat. If Santa weighs
300 pounds (150 pounds of body
fat), then he has 525,000
calories at his disposal (150
* 3500 = 525,000).
Burning 150 calories per house,
Santa will be completely
depleted of energy after only
3,500 houses (assuming he
gets into an aerobic zone where
he is only burning fat
stores for energy).
This is where the children play
a very important role.
If they don't want Santa to
starve to death, they need
to help him replenish his calories.
What better way
than with milk and cookies.
Santa needs 150 calories
of energy at each house just
to maintain his current
level. A glass of skim
milk has 84 calories and 1
cookie, on average, has 54 calories.
This means that
at each house if Santa drinks
a half glass of milk and
eats 2 cookies, he should be
okay (84 / 2 + 54*2 = 150).
Santa's caloric balance per
house is (150 calories in)
- (150 calories out) = 0 net
calories per house. If
Santa even gets even 1 extra
calorie per house, he gains
(98.1 million / 3500 calories
per pound = 28028.57 pounds).
However, this means Santa will
eat (2 * 91.8 million =
183.6 million) cookies on Christmas
Eve. And you thought
you ate a lot of sweets at Christmas!
Note for Santa: If you want to
trim down somewhat, skip
the milk and cookies at the
last 3,500 houses. Otherwise,
to burn off the 150 pounds of
fat, you'd have to run at
10 miles per hours for 12.5
days straight. Running at
10 miles per hour will burn
1,750 calories per hour.
That's 2 hours to burn 1 pound
of fat. (2 hours per pound
* 150 pounds = 300 hours) to
burn the fat. (300 hours /
24 hours per day = 12.5 days)
Otherwise, if you're a
normal human, doing 45 minutes
of cardio per day for 7
days a week, it would take 400
days or a year and a month.
\\\//
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Subj: The
Real Santa (S252, S518)
From: buddy94510 on 11/28/2001
and
From: gordonschuk on 12/10/06
I remember my first Christmas
party with Grandma. I was
just a kid. I remember
tearing across town on my bike to
visit her on the day my big
sister dropped the bomb: "There
is no Santa Claus," she jeered.
"Even dummies know that!"
My grandma was not the gushy
kind, never had been. I fled
to her that day because I knew
she would be straight with
me. I knew Grandma always
told the truth, and I knew that
the truth always went down a
whole lot easier when swallowed
with one of her world-famous
cinnamon buns.
Grandma was home, and the buns
were still warm. Between
bites, I told her everything.
She was ready for me.
"No Santa Claus!" she snorted.
"Ridiculous! Don't believe
it. That rumor has been
going around for years, and it
makes me mad, plain mad.
Now, put on your coat, and let's
go." "Go? Go where, Grandma?"
I asked. I hadn't even
finished my second cinnamon
bun.
"Where" turned out to be Kerby's
General Store, the one
store in town that had a little
bit of just about every-
thing. As we walked through
its doors, Grandma handed me
ten dollars. That was
a bundle in those days. 'Take this
money and buy something for
someone who needs it. I'll
wait for you in the car."
Then she turned and walked out
of Kerby's. I was only eight
years old.
I'd often gone shopping with
my mother, but never had I
shopped for anything all by
myself. The store seemed big
and crowded, full of people
scrambling to finish their
Christmas shopping. For
a few moments I just stood there,
confused, clutching that ten-dollar
bill, wondering what
to buy, and who on earth to
buy it for.
I thought of everybody I knew:
my family, my friends, my
neighbors, the kids at school,
the people who went to my
church. I was just about
thought out, when I suddenly
thought of Bobbie Decker.
He was a kid with bad breath
and messy hair, and he sat right
behind me in Mrs. Pollock's
grade-two class.
Bobbie Decker didn't have a coat.
I knew that because he
never went out for recess during
the winter. His mother
always wrote a note, telling
the teacher that he had a
cough, but all we kids knew
that Bobbie Decker didn't have
a cough, and he didn't have
a coat.
I fingered the ten-dollar bill
with growing excitement. I
would buy Bobbie Decker a coat.
I settled on a red corduroy
one that had a hood to it. It
looked real warm,and he would
like that. "Is this a Christmas
present for someone?" the
lady behind the counter asked
kindly, as I laid my ten
dollars down.
"Yes, ma'am," I replied shyly.
"It's for Bobby." The nice
lady smiled at me, as I told
her about how Bobby really
needed a good winter coat.
I didn't get any change, but
she put the coat in a bag, smiled
again, and wished me a
Merry Christmas.
That evening, Grandma helped
me wrap the coat (a little
tagfell out of the coat, and
Grandma tucked it in her Bible)
in Christmas paper and ribbons
and wrote, "To Bobby, From
Santa Claus" on it. Grandma
said that Santa always insisted
on secrecy. Then she drove
me over to Bobby Decker's house,
explaining as we went that I
was now and forever officially,
one of Santa's helpers.
Grandma parked down the street
from Bobbie's house, and she
and I crept noiselessly and
hid in the bushes by his front
walk. Then Grandma gave me a
nudge. "All right, Santa Claus,"
she whispered, "get going."
I took a deep breath, dashed
for his front door, threw the
present down on his step, pounded
his doorbell and flew back
to the safety of the bushes
and Grandma.
Together we waited breathlessly
in the darkness for the
front door to open. Finally
it did, and there stood Bobbie.
Forty years haven't dimmed the
thrill of those moments spent
shivering, beside my Grandma,
in Bobby Decker's bushes. That
night, I realized that those
awful rumours about Santa Claus
were just what Grandma said
they were: ridiculous. Santa was
alive and well, and we were
on his team. I still have the
Bible, with the coat tag tucked
inside: $19.95.
\\\//
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Subj: Santa
Claus Is Super Claus
From: pns on 12/25/2000
— How does he do it? Santa
Claus visits homes all over
the world on Christmas Eve,
but when you consider how
many homes there are, how little
time he has, and how
much he has to carry — that
is when you truly appreciate
jolly old St. Nick.
ABCNEWS’ Robert Krulwich started
the Santa investigation
with a simple question: How
many stops must Santa make?
There are 2.2 billion children
under 18 on the planet. But
since most Muslim, Hindu, Jewish
and Buddhist children do
not expect a visit from Santa,
85 percent of the 2.2
billion kids get taken off the
list. At this point, the
math gets a little difficult,
so Krulwich turned to a
Stuyvesant High School teacher
in New York City for help.
Physics teacher Stanley Teitel
assumes there might be 2.5
kids in each home on Santa’s
list. In those homes, there
is probably at least one good
kid. This is where the math
gets really difficult.
“OK, we’re assuming that there are
approximately 132 times 10 to
the sixth, that’s 132 million
Christian homes worldwide,”
Teitel said. The next question
is: How much time does Santa
actually have to do this job?
Well, if the 132 million homes
are evenly distributed
around the surface of the Earth
and if Santa heads west in
a kind of random, zigzag pattern
across 24 time zones —
constantly staying in darkness
as much as he can — he’d
cover about 175 million land
miles. The oceans don’t count,
since fish don’t get gifts.
He would have about 31 hours
to do it. “That’s 1,178
homes per second,” Teitel said.
“Every second he must hit 1,178
homes.” So when Santa
arrives at each home, he has
a scant 8/100,000 of a second
to park the sleigh, heave himself
down the chimney, fill
the stockings, take care of
the tree, eat the cookies,
drink the milk, head back up
the chimney and get back on
the sled. And the scene
repeats itself every second. And
Santa wouldn’t be Santa if he
wasn’t carrying a huge sack
of toys. If each child
gets one toy, averaging 2 pounds
each, that must be multiplied
by 330 million children.
The total — 660 million pounds.
And that does not include
Santa himself who, on close
inspection, is not thin. So
that means somebody has got
to haul a sleigh that weighs
the equivalent of four times
the tonnage of the Queen
Elizabeth 2. So how many
Rudolphs, Prancers, Dancers and
Blitzens does it take to pull
such a huge weight? It’s a
bit more than you might have
heard in the past. In fact,
Teitel calculates that Santa
would need, 2.2 times 10 to
the fifth, or, 220,000 reindeer.
Imagine 220,000 reindeer
going at a speed that the reporting
team calculated at
7,800 times the speed of sound.
That would create a sonic
boom that would wake up every
child on the planet. So, the
final question is: Are we dealing
here with something from
the familiar physical universe?
“I would suspect not,”
Teitel says. “I would suspect
we’re dealing with someone
who’s very special, and has
been given powers to be able
to do his job.”
Well, after all, Santa Claus is a saint.
\\\//
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Subj: Santa
Is A Woman! (S202)
From: BartendJOTD on 12/12/2000
I think Santa Claus is a woman.
I hate to be the one to defy
sacred myth, but I believe he
is a she. Think about it...
Christmas is a big, organized,warm,
fuzzy, nurturing social
deal, and I have a tough time
believing a guy could possibly
pull it all off.
For starters, the vast majority
of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas
Eve. Once at the mall, they
always seem surprised to find
only Ronco products, socket
wrench sets and mood rings left
on the shelves. On this count
alone, I'm convinced Santa is
a woman.
Surely if he were a man, everyone
in the universe would wake
up Christmas morning to find
a rotating musical Chia Pet under
the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa
would be getting there. First
of all, there would be no reindeer
because they would all be
dead, gutted and strapped on
to the rear bumper of the sleigh
amid wide-eyed desperate claims
that buck season had been
extended. Blitzen's rack would
already be on the way to the
taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have
reindeer, he'd still have
transportation problems because
he would inevitably get lost
up there in the snow and clouds
and then refuse to stop and
ask for directions.
Other reasons Santa can't possibly be a woman:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity
is threatened... having
been seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their
physique to be described,
even in jest, as anything remotely
resembling a "bowlful
of jelly".
Men aren't interested in stockings
unless somebody's
wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing
would seriously inhibit
their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for
Christmas would require a
commitment.
Now, I can buy the fact that
other mythical holiday characters
are men, like:
Father Time shows up once a year
unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons,
Uncle Sam is a politician
who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals
could pass the testosterone
screening test. But not
St. Nick. Not a chance.
\\\//
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Subj: Santa's
Going To Be Late (S201)
From: KMACINTY on 12/6/2000
This is Santa and I just wanted
to let you know that Christmas
may be a little late this year.
See, after checking all the boxes
to see who is naughty and
who is nice and tallying them
up, I found some problems with
the results.
The first result showed:
428,534,120 Good
428,523,119 Bad
The second result showed:
428,534,118 Good
428,523,121 Bad
So you see, I can't, with good
faith, go out and deliver
presents while knowing I could
have made a mistake. Maybe
Little Johnny was good for once,
then again, maybe not.
So, I have enlisted the help
of all my elves and the Mrs. to
help do a recount. We hope to
have this finished up by 5pm
on the 24th of December, but
there is a possibility that it
might take longer. You see the
tally cards were not quite clear
to me, although I made them
myself, I forgot what they
meant.
You know, Good...and Bad??? And
the check marks I used
were not all the same, some
went left, some right, some were
just a mark. some went through
both boxes, and some didn't
even have much of a mark on
them. I leave it up to them to
decide what I meant.
So if you wake up on Christmas
morning, and there are no
presents under your tree, at
least you can tell the kids the
story. Thank you for your patience
and understanding in these
times,
Santa
\\\//
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Subj: Beautiful
Girl Waits For Santa (S151)
From: thebartend on 12/22/1999
A beautiful innocent young girl
wants to meet Santa Claus
so she puts on a robe and stays
up late on Christmas Eve.
Santa arrives, climbs down the
chimney, and begins filling
the stockings. He is about
to leave when the girl, who happens
to be a gorgeous redhead, says
in a sexy voice,
"Oh Santa, please stay.
Keep the chill away."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO, gotta
go, gotta go, gotta
get the presents to the children,
you know."
The girl drops the robe to reveal
a sexy bra and panties
and says in an even sexier voice,
"Oh, Santa, don't
run a mile; just stay for a
while."
Santa begins to sweat but replies,
"HO HO HO, gotta go,
gotta go. Gotta get the
presents to the children, you know."
The girl takes off her bra and
says, "Oh, Santa.
Please. Stay."
Santa wipes his brow but replies,
"HO HO HO, gotta go,
gotta go, gotta get the presents
to the children, you know."
She loses the panties and says,
"Oh Santa...
Please... Stay...."
Santa, with sweat pouring off
his brow, says, "HEY
HEY HEY, gotta stay, gotta stay!
Can't get up the chimney
this way!"
\\\//
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Subj: Rudolph's
Operation (S100)
From: smiles on 98-12-30
Christmas was over. Santa and
his reindeer finally had a
chance to rest. And they
deserved it. They had done a
good job. Rudolph had
a chance to do something he had
wanted to do for a long time.
He made an appointment with
a plastic surgeon because he
was so sensitive about his
looks. However it wasn't
his glowing probiscus that he
wanted changed. He was
proud of his nose and the help he
had given Santa because of it.
No, he was sensitive about
his long ears which were much
more prominent than the ears
of the average rain deer, or
bear for that matter. So one
week after Christmas, he let
the good doctor do the pinna
reconstructive surgery procedure,
and since that time,
January 1st has been celebrated
as ... New Ears Day.
\\\//
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Subj: The
Day Santa Wasn't Jolly (S47)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-12-19
Not long ago and far away, Santa
was getting ready for his
annual trip...but there were
problems everywhere. Four of
his elves got sick, and the
trainee elves did not produce
the toys as fast as the regular
ones so Santa was beginning
to feel the pressure of being
behind schedule. Then Mrs.
Claus told Santa that her mom
was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the
reindeer, he found that three
of them were about to give
birth and two had jumped the
fence and were out, heaven
knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the
sleigh one of the boards
cracked and the toy bag fell
to the ground and scattered
the toys. So frustrated, Santa
went into the house for a
cup of coffee and a shot of
whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard,
he found the elves had hid
the liquor and there was nothing
to drink. In his
frustration, he dropped the
coffee pot and it broke into
hundreds of little pieces all
over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and
found that mice had eaten
the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell
rang and Santa cussed on his way
to the door. He opened
the door and there was a little
angel with a great big Christmas
tree.
The angel said: "Where
would you like to put this tree
Santa?"
And that my friend, is how the
little angel came to be
on top of the Christmas tree.
\\\//
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Subj: Santa
Is Propositioned (46)
From: The Bartenders Joke of the day on 09 Dec 97
Santa was delivering gifts as
usual, when at one house a
beautiful young woman was awaiting
his arrival. She begged
him to stay and cuddle with
her on the couch. Santa
declined, saying "Ho -ho, gotta
go. Gotta deliver these
presents, you know."
Trying again, the lovely young
thing removed her clothing
down to her underwear.
"OH Santa, won't you please stay?"
she queried.. Taking a
long look, Santa sighed and said
"Ho- ho, gotta go. Gotta
deliver these presents you know."
Not to be denied, this gorgeous
female stripped off every
stitch of remaining clothing,
smiled and said invitingly
"Oh, Santa, please reconsider?
Stay with me?" With a
pained look on his face,
Santa groaned and said "Ho - ho,
gotta go. Gotta deliver these
presents you know." And
with that, he turned and left.
Several minutes passed, and Santa
re-appeared, plopping
himself down on the couch next
to the beautiful girl.
"Santa---you decided to stay??"
she asked. Santa grinned
and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay.
Can't get up the chimney
THIS way!"
\\\//
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Subj: In The
Wrong Job (S413)
From: DafterLafter on 12/14/2004
At: http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/003.htm
 |
\\\//
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Subj: Santa's
Elf Has Itchy Balls
One of santa's elves goes to
the doctor with itchy balls,
the doctors says "drop you pants,
bend over, and I'll have
a look at the problem".
The elve does this and while he's
bent over the doctor say's "I
think I see the problem".
The elf see in the mirror the
doctor picking up a large
pair of cutters and starts to
get worried, he is tense as
he waits for the cutters but
instead he hears snip, snip,
snip but feels nothing... after
a few minutes the doctor
says "all done." the elf, feeling
not pain or itching
stands up, pulls up is pants
and say what was the problem,
the doctor says "well I just
cut 3 inches off your furry
boots."
\\\//
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Subj: Little
Girl On Santa's Lap (S183)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #196 on 97-09-10 07
A little girl is in line to see
Santa.
When it's her turn, she climbs
up on Santa's lap. Santa asks,
"What would you like Santa to
bring you for Christmas"?
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe".
Santa looks at the little girl
for a moment and says,
"I thought Barbie comes with
Ken".
"No", said the little girl.
"She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken".
\\\//
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Subj: Is There
A Santa Claus?
As a result of an overwhelming
lack of requests, and with
research help from that renown
scientific journal SPY
magazine (January, 1990) - I
am pleased to present the
annual scientific inquiry into
Santa Claus.
1) No known species of
reindeer can fly. BUT there are
300,000 species of living organisms
yet to be classified,
and while most of these are
insectsand germs, this does not
COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer
which only Santa has
ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion
children (persons under 18) in the
world. BUT since Santa
doesn't (appear) to handle the
Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist
children, that reduces
the workload to 15% of the total
- 378 million according
to Population Reference Bureau.
At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household,
that's 91.8 million
homes. One presumes there's
at least one good child in
each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of
Christmas to work with, thanks
to the different time zones
and the rotation of the earth,
assuming he travels east to
west (which seems logical).
This works out to 822.6 visits
per second. This is to say
that for each Christian household
with good children, Santa
has 1/1000th of a second to
park, hop out of the sleigh,
jump down the chimney, fill
the stockings, distribute the
remaining presents under the
tree, eat whatever snacks have
been left, get back up the chimney,
get back into the
sleigh and move on to the next
house. Assuming that each
of these 91.8 million stops
are evenly distributed around
the earth (which, of course,
we know to be false but for
the purposes of our calculations
we will accept), we are
now talking about .78 miles
per household, a total trip of
75-1/2 million miles, not counting
stops to do what most
of us must do at least once
every 31 hours, plus feeding
and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh
is moving at 650 miles per
second, 3,000 times the speed
of sound. For purposes of
comparison, the fastest man-made
vehicle on earth, the
Ulysses space probe, moves at
a poky 27.4 miles per second
- a conventional reindeer can
run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh
adds another interesting
element. Assuming that
each child gets nothing more than
a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds),
the sleigh is carrying
321,300 tons, not counting Santa,
who is invariably
described as overweight.
On land, conventional reindeer
can pull no more than 300 pounds.
Even granting that
"flying reindeer" (see point
#1) could pull TEN TIMES the
normal amount, we cannot do
the job with eight, or even
nine. We need 214,200
reindeer. This increases the
payload - not even counting
the weight of the sleigh -
to 353,430 tons. Again,
for comparison - this is four
times the weight of the Queen
Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling
at 650 miles per second
creates enormous air resistance
- this will heat the
reindeer up in the same fashion
as spacecraft re-entering
the earth's atmosphere.
The lead pair of reindeer will
absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules
of energy. Per second.
Each. In short, they will
burst into flame almost
instantaneously, exposing the
reindeer behind them, and
create deafening sonic booms
in their wake. The entire
reindeer team will be vaporized
within 4.26 thousandths
of a second. Santa, meanwhile,
will be subjected to
centrifugal forces 17,500.06
times greater than gravity.
A 250-pound Santa (which seem
ludicrously slim) would be
pinned to the back of his sleigh
by 4,315,015 pounds of
force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever
DID deliver presents on
Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
\\\//
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Subj: If Santa
Answered His Mail Honestly... (S201)
From: KMACINTY on 12/7/2000
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space
ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud
boy all yeer. Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your
way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a fucking
book so you can learn to read
and write? I'm giving your older
brother the space ranger.
At least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all
year, and the only thing I ask
for is peace and joy in the
world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when
they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this,
but for Christmas, I'd
like for my mommy and daddy
to get back together. Please
see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the
babysitter like a screen door
in a hurricane. Do you
think he's gonna give that up to
come back to your frigid mom,
who rides his ass constantly?
It's time to give up that dream.
Let me get you some nice
Legos instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation,
a train, some G.I. Joes,
a dog,a drum kit, a pony and
a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis"
nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for
you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside
the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots
make the deer fart in
my face when riding in the sleigh.
You want to do me a
favor? Leave me a bottle of
scotch.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364
days of the year? Are you
busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China.
I have a condo in Vegas,
where I spend most of my time
making low-budget porno films.
I unwind by drinking myself
silly and squeezing the asses
of cocktail waitresses while
losing money at the craps
table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy
this year. Please please
please PLEASE PLEASE could I
have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may
work with your folks, but that
crap doesn't work with me.
You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our
house, how do you get into
ourhome?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself
"Marky", that's why you're
getting your ass whipped at
school. Second, you don't live
in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex. Third,
I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through
your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
\\\//
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Subj: Memo
From Santa Claus (S206)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 1/12/2001
To: All Parents
CC: Good little boys and girls
From: Santa Claus
Subject: Contract Negotiations,
NORTH POLE
I regret to inform you that,
effective immediately, I will
no longer be able to serve the
Southern United States on
Christmas Eve. Due to
the overwhelming population of the
earth, my contract was renegotiated
by North American Fairies
and Elves Local #209.
I now serve only certain areas of
Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin
and Michigan. As part of
the new and better contract,
I also get longer breaks for
milk and cookies, so keep that
in mind.
However, I am certain that your
children will be in good
hands with your local replacement
who happens to be my third
cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the
South Pole. He shares
my goal of delivering toys to all the
good boys and girls. However,
there are a few differences
between us, such as:
1. There is no danger of the
Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh
and a bumper sticker
that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies,
Bubba Claus prefers that
children leave RC cola and pork
rinds (or a moon pie) on the
fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little
snuff though, so please have
an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled
by floppy-eared, flyin'
coon dogs instead of reindeer.
I made the mistake of loaning
him a couple of my reindeer
one time, and Dasher's head now
overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet,
on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus
arrives. Instead, you'll
hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti,
on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced
by "Yee Haw!" And you also
are likely to hear Bubba's elves
respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway
laws, Bubba Claus'
sleigh does have a Yosemite
Sam safety triangle on the
back with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie
classics such as "Miracle on
34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful
Life" will not be shown in
your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg
Saves Christmas" and "Smokey
and the Bandit IV" featuring
Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a
belt. If I were you, I'd make
sure you, the wife, and the
kids turn the other way when he
bends over to put presents under
the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member) North American Fairies
and Elves Local #209
\\\//
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Subj: Letter
From Santa (S45)
From: cohen#il on 97-12-06
The recent announcement that
Donner and Blitzen have
elected to take the early reindeer
retirement package has
triggered a good deal of concern
about whether they will
be replaced, and about other
restructuring decisions at
the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate
in view of the reality that
the North Pole no longer dominates
the season's gift
distribution business.
Home shopping channels and mail
order catalogues have diminished
Santa's market share
and he could not sit idly by
and permit further erosion
of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made
possible through the
purchase of a late model Japanese
sled for the CEO's
annual trip. Improved
productivity from Dasher and
Dancer, who summered at the
Harvard Business School,
is anticipated and should take
up the slack with no
discernible loss of service.
Reduction in reindeer will
also lessen airborne environmental
emissions for which
the North Pole has been cited
and received unfavorable
press.
I am pleased to inform you and
yours that Rudolph's role
will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for some-
thing at the North Pole.
Management denies, in the
strongest possible language,
the earlier leak that
Rudolph's nose got that way
not from the cold, but from
substance abuse. Calling
Rudolph "a lush who was into the
sauce and never did pull his
share of the load" was an
unfortunate comment, made by
one of Santa's helpers and
taken out of context at a time
of year when he is known to
be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's
global challenges
require the North Pole to continue
to look for better,
more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the
following economy measures are
to take place in the
"Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
- The partridge will be retained,
but the pear tree never
turned out to be the cash crop
forecasted. It will be
replaced by a plastic hanging
plant, providing considerable
savings in maintenance;
- The two turtle doves represent
a redundancy that is
simply not cost effective.
In addition, their romance
during working hours could not
be condoned. The positions
are therefore eliminated;
- The three French hens will
remain intact. After all,
everyone loves the French;
- The four calling birds were
replaced by an automated
voice mail system, with a call
waiting option. An analysis
is underway to determine who
the birds have been calling,
how often and how long they
talked;
- The five golden rings have
been put on hold by the Board
of Directors. Maintaining
a portfolio based on one
commodity could have negative
implications for institutional
investors. Diversification
into other precious metals as
well as a mix of T-Bills and
high technology stocks appear
to be in order;
- The six geese-a-laying constitutes
a luxury which can
no longer be afforded.
It has long been felt that the
production rate of one egg per
goose per day is an example
of the decline in productivity.
Three geese will be let
go, and an upgrading in the
selection procedure by personnel
will assure management that
from now on every goose it gets
will be a good one;
- The seven swans-a-swimming
is obviously a number chosen
in better times. The function
is primarily decorative.
Mechanical swans are on order.
The current swans will be
retrained to learn some new
strokes and therefore enhance
their outplacement;
- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking
concept has been
under heavy scrutiny by the
EEOC. A male/female balance
in the workforce is being sought.
The more militant maids
consider this a dead-end job
with no upward mobility.
Automation of the process may
permit the maids to try
a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
- Nine ladies dancing has always
been an odd number. This
function will be phased out
as these individuals grow older
and can no longer do the steps;
- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill.
The high cost of Lords
plus the expense of international
air travel prompted the
Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with
ten out-of-work congressmen.
While leaping ability may be
somewhat sacrificed, the savings
are significant because we
expect an oversupply of unemployed
congressmen this year;
- Eleven pipers piping and twelve
drummers drumming is a
simple case of the band getting
too big. A substitution
with a string quartet, a cutback
on new music and no
uniforms will produce savings
which will drop right down
to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction
in assorted people,
fowl, animals and other expenses.
Though incomplete,
studies indicate that stretching
deliveries over twelve
days is inefficient. If
we can drop ship in one day,
service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by
the attorney's association
seeking expansion to include
the legal profession
("thirteen lawyers-a-suing")
action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration
that deeper cuts
may be necessary in the future
to stay competitive.
Should that happen, the Board
will request management to
scrutinize the Snow White Division
to see if seven
dwarfs is the right number.
[signed]
S. Claus
\\\//
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Subj: Top
Ten Elf Pet Peeves
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-12-19
10. After too much egg nog, Mrs. Claus
is "all hands".
9. Ever since they hit the big
time, those dang
Keebler Elves act
like we don't exist.
8. Santa keeps asking, "Does
this suit make me look fat?"
7. That idiot Blitzen always
mistaking you for a chew toy.
6. You're enjoying the jacuzzi,
and Santa gets in naked.
5. Now have to work through
coffee breaks thanks to
the McCaughey septuplets.
4. It's at least a thousand
miles from North Pole to
nearest strip club.
3. Next to "race" on the census
forms, there's never a box
marked "elf".
2. Hookers who laugh when you
take your pants off.
1. Health plan doesn't cover
sleigh rash. *
\\\//
-(o o)-
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Subj: Short
Santa And Elf Jokes (S151)
 |
Subj:
Deep Freeze (S547 in Games2-Supp)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 7/10/2007 |
| Subj:
Believe In Santa (S517b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/11/2006 |
 |
 |
Subj:
North Pole Dancing (S516)
From: tnkr on 12/4/06 Source: http://www.northpoledancing.com/ |
| Subj:
Santa's North Pole Party (S455)
From: darrell94590 on 12/24/2005 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Santa's Hot Tub (S464)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 12/20/2005 |
| Subj:
Santa's Warm Weather Helpers (S464)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/19/2005 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Dirty Santa Cartoon (S464)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/12/2005 |
| Subj:
Ho-Ho-Ho.wav
From: JNIstudios on 12/12/2005 Source: http://members.aol.com/JNIstudios/christmas/ |
 |
Santa's picture from
Trivia Park |
 |
Subj:
Email Santa (S463)
From: igiggle on 12/12/2005 Source: http://www.emailsanta.com/ Cute site for kids. It has many activities. |
| Subj:
The Legend Of St. Nicholas (S463)
By Anise Hollingshead From: igiggle on 12/6/2005 |
 |
Picture from
Wonderland Bulgaria |
Top
Subj: Santa
Sees A Hundred Dollar Bill (S256b)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #209 on 97-09-27
(See 'Perfect Couple
Meets Santa' in MARRIAGE3)
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy,
an honest lawyer and an old
drunk are walking down the street
together when they
simultaneously spot a hundred
dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the
other three are mythical
creatures.
Top
Subj: The
Four Stages Of Life: (S252)
From: agrief on 11/28/2001
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa
Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.
From: Bobbyt's Place
Santa says to Mrs. Claws "Any
idea what the weather will be like for
Christmas?". Mrs Claws: "Look's
like rain, dear" -- Kim
From: auntieg on 98-05-05
The main reason Santa is so
jolly is because
he knows where all the bad girls
live.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #253 on 98-10-22
Santa is very jolly because
he knows where all the bad girls live.
From: Joke-of-the-day on Friday, April
9,1999
Did you hear about the dyslexic
Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa
From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
Santa Claus has the right idea
...
visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
Q: How does Santa deliver presents
all over the world on Christmas Eve?
A: With Rudolf the red-shift
reindeer.
From: Tom_Adams on 98-05-08
Q: What do girl reindeer do
on their night off?
A: They go into town and blow
a few bucks.
From: auntieg on 98-10-10
Q: What do you call Santa's
helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com 12/23/1999
Q: Where can you find literature
about Santa's assistants?
A: In the Elf-help section.
Q: What is the best evidence
that Microsoft has a monopoly?
A: Santa Claus had to switch
from Chimneys to Windows.
From: The Maher's grandson on 12/11/04
(S410b)
Q: What is the name of Santa's
other reindeer?
A: Olive, the other raindeer,
used to laugh and call him names.
From: igiggle on 12/9/2005 (S464b)
Q: Why is getting Christmas
presents for your kids just like
a day at the office?
A: You do all the work, and
the fat guy in the suit gets
all the credit.
From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 12/22/06
(S518b)
Q: What do you call people who
are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
\\\//
-(o o)-
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 |
Smiley Santa from
Smiley_Central |