Subj: Alien and SciFi Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 22 jokes and articles)
Alien Waves from
PageWorks
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Subj: Alien and SciFi Jokes (Gz) (Includes 22 jokes and articles) |
|
Alien Waves from PageWorks |
Also see POLITICAL2 - 'Hmmm....Coincidence???'
STAR TREK-S1 - (see
whole file)
STAR TREK-S2 - (see
whole file)
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| Subj:
11 UFO Photos (S584b)
From: AOL News on 3/30/2008 |
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The tiny beach town of Capitola,
Calif., is buzzing about a
mysterious object that appears
to have been photographed on
May 16 of last year. Someone
using the name Raji posted
images on the Web site Craigslist,
answered a few questions
from UFO hunters around the
world, and then just disappeared
into cyberspace.
You can view these eleven UFO
photos at the above source, or
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Meat
Planet
Written by Terry Bisson for OMNI Magazine.
From: Cypriot on 9/13/2002
Imagine if you will ... the leader
of the fifth invader
force speaking to the commander
in chief ...
"They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it.
We picked several from
different parts of the planet,
took them aboard our
recon vessels, probed them all
the way through. They
are completely meat."
"That's impossible. What
about the radio signals? The
messages to the stars."
"They use the radio waves to
talk, but the signals don't
come from them. The signals
come from machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines.
That's what I'm trying to tell
you. Meat made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat
make a machine? You're
asking me to believe in sentient
meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling
you. These creatures
are the only sentient race in
the sector and they're made
out of meat."
"Maybe they're like the Orfolei.
You know, a carbon-based
intelligence that goes through
a meat stage."
"Nope. They're born meat
and they die meat. We studied
them for several of their life
spans, which didn't take
too long. Do you have any idea
the life span of meat?"
"Spare me. Okay, maybe
they're only part meat. You know,
like the Weddilei. A meat
head with an electron plasma
brain inside."
"Nope. We thought of that,
since they do have meat heads
like the Weddilei. But
I told you, we probed them. They
are meat all the way through."
"No brain?"
"Oh, there is a brain all right.
It's just that the brain
is made out of meat!"
"So... what does the thinking?"
"You're not understanding, are
you? The brain does the
thinking. The meat."
"Thinking meat! You're
asking me to believe in thinking
meat!"
"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious
meat! Loving meat.
Dreaming meat. The meat
is the whole deal! Are you
getting the picture?"
"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."
"Finally, Yes. They are
indeed made out meat. And they
have been trying to get in touch
with us for almost a
hundred of their years."
"So what does the meat have in mind?"
"First it wants to talk to us.
Then I imagine it wants
to explore the universe, contact
other sentients, swap
ideas and information.
The usual."
"We're supposed to talk to meat?"
"That's the idea. That's
the message they're sending out
by radio. 'Hello.
Anyone out there? Anyone home?'
That sort of thing."
"They actually do talk, then.
They use words, ideas,
concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."
"I thought you just told me they used radio."
"They do, but what do you think
is on the radio? Meat
sounds. You know how when
you slap or flap meat it makes
a noise? They talk by
flapping their meat at each other.
They can even sing by squirting
air through their meat."
"Omigod. Singing meat.
This is altogether too much. So
what do you advise?"
"Officially or unofficially?"
"Both."
"Officially, we are required
to contact, welcome, and log
in any and all sentient races
or multibeings in the quadrant,
without prejudice, fear, or
favor. Unofficially, I advise
that we erase the records and
forget the whole thing."
"I was hoping you would say that."
"It seems harsh, but there is
a limit. Do we really want
to make contact with meat?"
"I agree one hundred percent.
What's there to say?" `Hello,
meat. How's it going?'
But will this work? How many
planets are we dealing with
here?"
"Just one. They can travel
to other planets in special
meat containers, but they can't
live on them. And being
meat, they only travel through
C space. Which limits them
to the speed of light and makes
the possibility of their
ever making contact pretty slim.
Infinitesimal, in fact."
"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."
"That's it."
"Cruel. But you said it
yourself, who wants to meet meat?
And the ones who have been aboard
our vessels, the ones you
have probed? You're sure
they won't remember?"
"They'll be considered crackpots
if they do. We went into
their heads and smoothed out
their meat so that we're just
a dream to them."
"A dream to meat! How strangely
appropriate, that we
should be meat's dream."
"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."
"Good. Agreed, officially
and unofficially. Case closed.
Any others? Anyone interesting
on that side of the galaxy?"
"Yes, a rather shy but sweet
hydrogen core cluster
intelligence in a class nine
star in G445 zone. Was in
contact two galactic rotation
ago, wants to be friendly
again."
"They always come around."
"And why not? Imagine how
unbearably, how utterly, cold
this galaxy would be if one
were all alone with no-one
to talk to but meat."
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Subj: Wanting
An Alien Abduction (S412)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/16/2004
At: http://www.ezines4all.com/at200410/014.htm
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Subj: Martian
Sex (S347b, S598b)
From: hellgunner50 on 9/22/2003 and 6/29/2008
A young couple is living on a
farm. One evening a flying saucer
lands on the farm, right next
to their house. Out of the flying
saucer steps a young Martian
couple, and they look very much
like humans. The earth
woman invites the Martians for dinner.
They all sit down and start
talking. They begin exchanging ideas
and traditions, and they get
to liking each other so much that
they decide to switch partners
for the night. The farmer and the
Martian's wife go into one of
the rooms, and the farmer's wife
and the Martian man go into
the other room.
As the Martian man takes off
his pants, the farmer's wife looks
down and sees that his phallus
is extremely small. "What are you
gonna do with that?" she asks.
"I'll show you," he says, and
proceeds to twist his right ear.
Suddenly his penis extends to
a foot and a half. However, it is
still only as thick as a pencil.
"That's pretty long," says the
woman, "but it's really not very
wide."
The Martian then reaches up,
twists his left ear, and he becomes
as thick as a huge sausage.
They then proceed to have sex.
The next morning, the Martians
take off and the farmer and his
wife are having breakfast. "So,
how was it?" asks the farmer.
"It was great," says the wife,
"the best sex I've ever had! How
was yours?"
"Well," says the farmer, "it
was kinda weird. All night long she
kept playing with my ears."
Second version:
A young man and woman have only
been married for two days.
One night, just as they are
getting ready to go to bed, they
hear a noise in the backyard,
kind of like a vacuum cleaner
in reverse. They put on
their robes and run outside, there,
hovering over the lawn is a
flying saucer. It lands, and
two tall, beautiful silver aliens
get out. Obviously a
male and a female, and according
to earth standard, quite
beautiful. They explain
to the newlyweds that they need to
stay overnight to effect repairs
to their ship.
The young couple agrees, and
invite the aliens in for a
snack. The aliens agree,
but say that it would only be
sociable to then invite the
newlyweds for a snack. "We
will invite you aboard our spacecraft,
but you must abide
by our customs. You must
stay the night, and it is only
courteous that we change partners
for the night." The
newlyweds talk it over and agree.
That night, the wife is with
the male alien. He undresses
and she stares at his perfect
body. Then her gaze crosses
his groin, and a look of disappointment
comes over her. "Is
there something wrong?"
asks the alien.
"Well, you seem so ... uh...
small." "No problem," replies
the alien, he twists his
ear and his organ grows longer.
The woman still seems disappointed.
She indicates she
would like the alien to
be "wider." He twists the other
ear and grows wider.
The next morning over breakfast,
the wife tells her husband
what a wonderful night she had
with the alien, and that
she can hardly wait to share
some of the techniques with her
husband the next night.
"Honey, how was your night?" she
asks. "Terrible" he said.
"The female alien was truly
beautiful, but all she did was
twist my ears all night long."
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Subj: Alien
At The Gas Station (S10, S597c)
From TNKRTEACH on 97-03-28
and
From: LABLaughsAdult on 6/26/2008
Two aliens landed in the west
Texas desert near an abandoned
gas station. They approached
one of the gas pumps, and one
of the aliens addressed it,
"Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't
respond. The alien repeated
the greeting. There still
was no response.
The alien, annoyed by what he
perceived to be the gas pump's
haughty attitude, drew his ray
gun and said impatiently,
"Greetings Earthling.
We come in peace. How dare you ignore
us in this way! Take us
to your leader or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his
comrade, "No, you don't want
to make him mad." But
before he finished his warning, the
first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that
blew both of them 200 meters
into the desert, where they
landed in a heap. When they
finally regained consciousness,
the one who fired turned to
the other one and said, "What
a ferocious creature! It damn
near killed us! How did
you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If
there's one thing I've learned
during my travels through the
galaxy... any guy who can wrap
his penis around himself twice
and then stick it in his own
ear, is someone you shouldn't
mess with!"
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Subj: How
To Greet Aliens
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-07-23
I'm up trying to view the Perseid
meteor shower, and it's
not very spectacular tonight,
so I rummage through CIS for
a while, and find a bunch of
people who are convinced that
the appropriate greeting when
meeting a space alien is "Gnorts."
Why "Gnorts" you say?
It simple. In the heavily-orchestrated,
gov't-disinformation-
rich Apollo Moon landing program,
what was the name the gov't
used to refer to the first man
who landed on the Moon?
"Neil Armstrong."
Yeah, right, as if that is his
*real* name. Turns out it was
in code. Backward, it is:
"Gnorts, Mr. Alien!"
And now you know the rest of the story ...
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Subj: Short
Alien And SciFi Jokes
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Subj:
Alien Invasion (S587c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 4/16/2008 |
| Subj:
Crop Circles (S498b)
From: edapsmas on 8/6/2006 |
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Crop Circles Gain Perspective
By
Nigel Watson| Also by this reporter
Crop circles have started appearing
again in the English
countryside, but this time in
a new permutation.
A crop circle in a complicated
three-dimensional design
was discovered in the first
week of July near Ashbury,
Oxfordshire. The exaggerated
perspective of the formation,
which is approximately 360 feet
in diameter, suggests a
bird's-eye view of a group of
skyscrapers, as though the
viewer was looking down on a
city center from directly
overhead.
You can view these Crop Circles
at the source above, or
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj:
Direct Video Feed From The Mars Rover: (S453)
From: Tom Luthman's Webpage on 9/19/2005 At: http://planettom.home.mindspring.com/ |
| Subj:
UFO drivers license (S452b)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 9/13/2005 |
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Top
Subj: Two
Aliens Talk (S401)
From: LABLaughsAdult 2004-08-11
on 8/11/2004
Two aliens were discussing earth
beings.
"So what do you think of them?"
said the first.
"Well," the other replied, "I
liked the intelligent ones,
but I wasn't so keen on the
ones with testicles."
From: BawdyNet test part 3! on 98-03-01
*Isaac Asimov is the only author
to have a book
in every Dewey-decimal category.
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 |
Alien Smiley from
Smiley_Central |