Subj: Ghost Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 7 jokes and articles)
Little Ghost from
PageWorks
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Subj: Ghost Jokes (Gz) (Includes 7 jokes and articles) |
|
Little Ghost from PageWorks |
Also see GRAVEYARD file- (for
related jokes)
POLI POLTCL2 - 'Ghosts
of Christmas Pres(id)ent'
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Subj: G.W.Bush
Meets Three Ghosts (S417)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 1/21/2005
One night, G.W. Bush was awakened
by George Washington's
ghost. Bush saw him and asked,
"George, what is the best
thing I could do to help the
country?"
"Set an honest and honorable
example, just as I did," advised
George.
The next night, the ghost of
Thomas Jefferson moved through
the dark bedroom.
"Tom, what is the best thing
I could do to help the country?"
Bush asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.
Bush didn't sleep well the next
night, and saw yet another
figure moving in the shadows.
It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.
"Abe, what is the best thing
I could do for the country?"
Bush asked.
"Go to the theater," replied Abe
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Subj: Drunk
Walks Past Hospital (S298b, S561c)
From: pns on 10/13/2002
and
From: aldavito on 10/22/2007
Mr. Harris was a very modest
man, and easily embarrassed.
So when he was in hospital after
some abdominal surgery,
he would suffer greatly, trying
not to break wind when a
nurse was in the room.
One day, the nurse had gone out,
and he felt a great need
to let 'er blow, so he did.
Only it wasn't gas that he
passed. Just then, he
heard the doctor's voice in the
corridor, as he was making his
rounds. Not knowing what
else to do, Harris jumped out
of bed, bundled up the sheets,
and threw them out the open
window.
At that moment, a drunk was staggering
by on the sidewalk
below. The sheets fell
on him, quickly tangling in his
arms and legs. Brown stuff
is flying left and right as
he flailed about. The
security guard sees the nonsense,
and comes trotting over.
"Now, what do you think you're
doing there, fella?"
The drunk, with one final wrench,
throws the sheet to the
ground and hiccups. "Ah
dunno," he pants. "But ah think
ah jush beat the crap out of
a ghost."
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Subj: Ghost
Stories From The White House (S248b, DU)
From: TAdams on 10/31/2001
You say you don't believe in
ghosts?
Neither did Mary Evan, servant
to Eleanor Roosevelt, until
she saw Lincoln's disembodied
spirit sitting on the edge
of a bed pulling on his boots.
Other White House servants
have seen Honest Abe resting
quietly in his bed, or gazing
through the oval window above
the main entrance to the
mansion.
Once, the late Queen Wilhelmina
of the Netherlands, an
overnight guest in the White
House, heard someone knock at
her door. "She got up, opened
it, and saw the ghost of
President Lincoln standing there
looking at her. She
fainted, and by the time she
had come to he was gone,"
Mr. Holzer says.
The first persons to claim to
see Lincoln's ghost were
Calvin Coolidge's wife, Grace,
and Army Chaplain E.C.
Bowles, describing Lincoln's
"sad look." More recently,
President Gerald Ford's daughter,
Susan, was in the
Lincoln Bedroom when she encountered
Abe, while President
Ronald Reagan's daughter Maureen
saw Lincoln's translucent
form next to the bedroom fireplace
in 1987.
No wonder President Truman wrote
to his wife: "I sit here
in this old house, all the while
listening to the ghosts
walk up and down the hallway.
At 4 o'clock, I was
awakened by three distinct knocks
on my bedroom door. No
one there. Damned place
is haunted, sure as shootin'!"
In his book "Haunted Places:
The National Directory," a
485-page guide to ghosts and
other unexplainable things
that go bump in the night, author
Dennis William Hauck
says the ghost of President
William Henry Harrison, who
caught cold the day he was inaugurated
and died 30 days
later, rummages through the
White House attic - still
searching for that scarf, no
doubt.
While in the airy East Room,
White House staffers have
seen the ghost of first lady
Abigail Adams hanging
laundry. Her apparition
passes through closed doors
with her arms outstretched,
and sometimes the faint
smells of damp clothes and soap
are detected.
The ghost of President Andrew
Jackson frequents the
Rose Bedroom, where White House
aides have heard "hearty
laughter" coming from Jackson's
otherwise empty canopy
bed. First lady Mary Todd
Lincoln swore she encountered
Jackson's ghost in the bedroom
in 1865, while almost 100
years later an aide to President
Lyndon B. Johnson
insisted he heard Jackson cussing
and hollering in the room.
White House gardeners were petrified
when the spirit of
first lady Dolley Madison appeared
in the Rose Garden while
Woodrow Wilson was president
- just after Mrs. Wilson gave
orders to have the garden dug
up. Dolley, you see, had
planted the garden a hundred
years earlier.
We have no way of determining
what effect the anthrax
contamination has had on Capitol
Hill's ghosts. We do
know this: The basement
of the U.S. Capitol was a
favorite spot of Henry Wilson,
vice president under
Ulysses S. Grant, who spent
almost as much time in the
bathtubs there as he did in
his office.
"He caught a chill that proved
his ultimate undoing, but
that did not stop his spirit
from returning to his
favorite pastime," Mr. Hauck
says. "His lathered ghost
and the sounds of wheezing and
sneezing [pre-anthrax] have
been reported in the corridor
outside the vice president's
[congressional] office."
The ghost of John Quincy Adams
can be found in his old
House floor seat, the same chair
where on Feb. 23, 1848,
during an impassioned speech
on this nation's "unjust" war
with Mexico, the former president-turned-congressman
suffered a stroke. Although
Adams died two days later, he
often returns to finish his
speech.
The spirits of two House speakers,
Joseph Cannon and Champ
Clark, also return late at night
to continue their series
of emotional debates begun in
1910. And the ghost of Rep.
William Taulbee of Kentucky
is never far away, haunting
the stairs leading to the House
gallery.
"The stains on the white marble
steps are said to be
Taulbee's blood, dating back
to a winter day in 1890 when
he was shot and killed by newspaper
reporter Charles
Kincaid," Mr. Hauck recalls.
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| Subj:
Granny Meets A Ghost (S461b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/18/2005 |
 |
Silly, animated GIF. You
can view it at the source above, or
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Woman
See Psychic To Talk To Grandma (S190, S580b)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 9/20/00
A woman went to the local psychic
in hopes of contacting her
dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids begin
fluttering and she begins moaning.
Eventually, a voice
comes, saying, "Granddaughter?
Are you there?"
The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma,
I have just one question
for you."
"Anything, my child."
"When did you learn to speak English?"
\\\//
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Subj: Professor
Talks About Ghosts (S134, S483)
From: collins2 on 8/23/99
and
From: gattica30 on 4/28/2006
A professor at the University
of Kentucky is giving a lecture
on the supernatural. To
get a feel for his audience, he asks:
"How many people here believe
in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their
hands. "Well, that's a good
start. Out of those of
you who believe in ghosts, do any of
you think you've ever seen a
ghost?"
About 40 students raise their
hands. "That's really good. I'm
really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever
talked to a ghost?" l5 students
raise their hands. That's a
great response. Has anyone
here ever touched a ghost?" 3
students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask
you one question further....Have
any of you ever made love to a
ghost?"
One student way in the back raises
his hand. The professor is
astonished. He takes off
his glasses, takes a step back, and
says, "Son, all the years I've
been giving this lecture, no one
has ever claimed to have slept
with a ghost. You've got to come
up here and tell us about your
experience."
The redneck student replies wiht
a nod and a grin, and begins to
make his way up to the podium.
As he ambles slowly toward the
podium, the professor says,
"Well, tell us what it's like to have
sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!?
Shiiiiit.....From way back there, I
thought you said "goats."
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Subj: Two
Men In A Grave Yard
From: humorlist-digest V1 #238 on 97-11-02
Two men were walking home after
a party and decided to take
a shortcut through the cemetery
just for laughs. Right in
the middle of the cemetery they
were startled by a tap-tap-
tapping noise coming from the
misty shadows. Trembling with
fear, they found an old man
with a hammer and chisel, chipping
away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them
said after catching his breath,
"You scared us half to death
-- we thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing working here
so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
\\\//
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 |
A Smiley type Ghost from
Smiley_Central |