Subj: Barbie Jokes
(Includes 10 jokes and articles, 09751n,1,cf)
Barbie & Ken
Cougar Barbie (S633b)
From: sfo_pilot on 2/26/2009
To commemorate Barbie's 50th
anniversary, Jay Leno's
Tonight Show created this very funny video. Click on
the above source, or 'HERE' for my file copy, to see
this freaking hilarious, fake commercial.
Subj: Barbie's Letter To Santa: (DU)
From: DoctorDebt on 1/6/2004
Dear Santa, Listen you fat troll,
I've been saving your ass
every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing
skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel
at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to ya', Santa, but
it's pay back time. There had better be some changes around
here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust
me, you don't wanna be around to smell it. These are my
demands for Christmas 2004: 1. Sweat pants and an oversized
sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink
bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have
nylon and Velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do. 2.
Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o
molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks
like cellulite! 3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have
to go to Hasbro to get him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take
Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boy toy, Ken.
And what was up with that earring anyway? HULLO!?! 4. It's
about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me
arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct. 5. Breast
reduction surgery. 'Nuff said. 6. A jog bra. To wear until
I get the surgery. 7. A new career. Pet doctor, school
teacher and make real money. 8. A new, more 90s persona.
Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint of cookie dough
ice cream and a bag of chips. 9. No more McDonald's
endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl complexion.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years - I think
I deserve a piece of the action. Considering my valuable
contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands
are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find your-
self a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly, Barbie
Ken's Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa, It has come to my
attention that one of my
colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract,
specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.
In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging
remarks were made about me, my sexuality, and some of my
fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity
to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well
as some of my own needs and desires: First, I, along
with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT
deserve the preferential treatment she has received
over the years. That bitch has everything. Neither I,
nor Joe, Jem, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dream
houses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and
some of us do not even have the ability to change our
hairstyle. I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously
designed to complement but never upstage Ms. Barbie.
My decision to accessorize with an earring was
immediately quashed, which I protest, for it was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I would
like a change in my career to further explore my
creative nature. Some options which could be considered
are "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken," or "Broadway
Ken." Other avenues which could be considered are:
"Go-Go Ken," "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns),
or "West Hollywood Ken." These would more accurately
reflect my interests and, I believe, open up markets
that have been under served. As for Ms. Barbie needing
bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need
bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb.
Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations
of which you are aware. In closing, further concessions
to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the needs of others
within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal
action to be taken by myself and others. And kindly
tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe... he's
mine, at least that's what he said last night.
Subj: New Older Barbie Dolls (S231, DU)
From: flovilla on 7/2/2001
Finally a Barbie I can relate
At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with
her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens
fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck
chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch
her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration
appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see
her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with
these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy
front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels
have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched
feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters,
then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet
and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from
Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader
is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high
school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with
minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with
doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie
needs a change, and Alonzo(her personal trainer) is just
what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're
hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa
Valley to open a B&B. includes a real tape of "Breaking
Up Is Hard To Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's
house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up
with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps
instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to
meetings religiously. Come with a little copy of The Big
Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when
she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a
lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch
watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes
with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the
book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
Subj: White Trash Barbie (S141, DU)
From: gsm on 10/14/1999
introducing WHITE TRASH BARBIE:
She's larger and meaner than
them other prissy, stuck-up,
Now every girl can live the fantasy
of ignorance and poverty
with her special trailer-park friend.
Every WHITE TRASH BARBIE comes
Two packs of Marlboro Lights for Barbie's smoking pleasure!
A six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer (it's on sale!) to refresh
Barbie during her busy day of bitching and watching TV.
Stylish, every occasion Spandex pants, halter top and sandals.
*Hot pants or blue jean cutoffs may be substituted on dolls
shipped to Alabama).
Waffle House uniform sold separately.
Barbie comes with platinum blonde hair and black roots showing.
Miracle-o'-procreation button! Press button on Barbie's back
and she's pregnant...again!
Action bitch pull string! Barbie can say 11 phrases including,
"I tol' jew friggin' kids to git the hell outa my yard!"
"Git me anuther beer, baybee."
"Whur's my damn cigarettes?", and more.
1. Barbie doublewide dream trailer: Mobile home fun complete
with stained carpet, broken steps, and TV set.
Barbie's wormy pet cat Rufus, also included.
Trailer disassembles for use with the Tornado
Action Playset (Sold separately).
2. Barbie dream car: 1982 Camaro in mix-n'-match colors,
smokin' chokin' exhaust*, and coat hanger radio antenna.
(Holds two white Trash Barbies or fifteen Mexi-Migrant
Barbies) (*Smoke non-toxic, unless breathed.)
3. Abusive boyfriend Ken with Asskickn' leg action and bitch-
Slap backhand. With cowboy boots and MD 20/20 bottle.
Curses and mumbles when string is pulled.
4. Married life Ken with Beer-bustin' expanding waist*. Molded
to recliner, with TV remote, beer, and chips. Says "Shut up,
woman," and "Git me a beer." (*Waist cannot be reduced once
Subj: Buying A Barbie Doll (DU)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #4 on 98-01-04
A guy walks into the Toys-R-Us
toy shop in downtown New
York and says to the assistant "Could you please show me
your Barbie dolls?"
She says, "Certainly, sir.
Here, we have:
Fashion Barbie @ $15.95
Vacation Barbie @ $15.95
Housewife Barbie @ $15.95 and
Divorcee Barbie @ $215.95!"
The guy asks in astonishment,
"Why is divorcee Barbie so
much? She looks the same to me."
The assistant answers, "Well,
sir, divorcee Barbie comes
complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's
Subj: Short Barbie Jokes
Subj: Playboy Sells Dolls (S253b, DU)
From: jerry on 12/5/2001
Playboy, Inc. is bringing out a line of "anatomically correct"
doll replicas of some of their most famous playmates from the
magazine. The first issue will feature the 1997 Playmate of
the Year, Swedish blonde Victoria Silvstedt. There will be
three new dolls each year over the next 5 to 10 years.
The 16" tall dolls will sell
for about $50. Only 30,000 of
each doll will be made.
San Diego Union-Tribune 29-Nov-01
Did you hear about the Barbie
doll; it's called Divorce Barbie.
She comes with all of Ken's stuff. -- The Riddler
From: humorlist-digest V2 #92 on 98-04-14
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
From: FrankRoesc on 7/20/99
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33.
She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck
twice the length of a normal human's neck.
From: ICohen on 3/13/2001 (S215)
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
|Barbie's friend from
Barbie & Friends