>>> Subj:     Barbie Jokes                  (Includes 10 jokes and articles, 09751n,1,cf)

Barbie & Ken from The Campaign

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Subj:     Cougar Barbie (S633b)           From: sfo_pilot on 2/26/2009  Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDpLkeaY8xE

 To commemorate Barbie's 50th anniversary, Jay Leno's
 Tonight Show created this very funny video.  Click on
 the above source, or 'HERE' for my file copy, to see
 this freaking hilarious, fake commercial.

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Subj:     Barbie's Letter To Santa: (DU)
          From: DoctorDebt on 1/6/2004

 Dear Santa, Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass
 every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing
 skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel
 at sappy tea parties.  I hate to break it to ya', Santa, but
 it's pay back time.  There had better be some changes around
 here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust
 me, you don't wanna be around to smell it.  These are my
 demands for Christmas 2004: 1. Sweat pants and an oversized
 sweatshirt.  I'm sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink
 bikinis.  Do you have any idea what it feels like to have
 nylon and Velcro up your butt?  I don't suppose you do. 2.
 Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.  That cheap-o
 molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks
 like cellulite! 3. A REAL man...  I don't care if you have
 to go to Hasbro to get him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take
 Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boy toy, Ken.
 And what was up with that earring anyway? HULLO!?!  4. It's
 about time you made us all anatomically correct.  Give me
 arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
 Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.  5. Breast
 reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.  6. A jog bra. To wear until
 I get the surgery.  7. A new career. Pet doctor, school
 teacher and make real money.  8. A new, more 90s persona.
 Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint of cookie dough
 ice cream and a bag of chips.  9. No more McDonald's
 endorsements.  The grease is wrecking my vinyl complexion.
 10. Mattel stock options.  It's been 40 years - I think
 I deserve a piece of the action.  Considering my valuable
 contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands
 are reasonable.  If you don't like it, you can find your-
 self a new bitch for next Christmas.  It's that simple.
 Yours truly, Barbie

 Ken's Letter To Santa:

 Dear Santa, It has come to my attention that one of my
 colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract,
 specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.
 In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging
 remarks were made about me, my sexuality, and some of my
 fashion choices.  I would like to take this opportunity
 to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well
 as some of my own needs and desires: First, I, along
 with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT
 deserve the preferential treatment she has received
 over the years.  That bitch has everything.  Neither I,
 nor Joe, Jem, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dream
 houses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and
 some of us do not even have the ability to change our
 hairstyle.  I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously
 designed to complement but never upstage Ms. Barbie.
 My decision to accessorize with an earring was
 immediately quashed, which I protest, for it was my
 decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.  I would
 like a change in my career to further explore my
 creative nature.  Some options which could be considered
 are "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken," or "Broadway
 Ken."  Other avenues which could be considered are:
 "Go-Go Ken," "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns),
 or "West Hollywood Ken."  These would more accurately
 reflect my interests and, I believe, open up markets
 that have been under served.  As for Ms. Barbie needing
 bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need
 bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb.
 Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations
 of which you are aware.  In closing, further concessions
 to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the needs of others
 within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal
 action to be taken by myself and others.  And kindly
 tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe... he's
 mine, at least that's what he said last night.
 Sincerely, Ken

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Subj:     New Older Barbie Dolls (S231, DU)
          From: flovilla on 7/2/2001

 Finally a Barbie I can relate to!
 At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with
 her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
  1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens
     fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck
     chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart
     Living.
  2. Hot Flash Barbie.  Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch
     her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration
     appear on her forehead.  Comes with handheld fan and tiny
     tissues.
  3. Facial Hair Barbie.  As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see
     her whiskers grow.  Available with teensy tweezers and
     magnifying mirror.
  4. Flabby Arms Barbie.  Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with
     these new, roomier-sleeved gowns.  Good news on the tummy
     front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
  5. Bunion Barbie.  Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels
     have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched
     feet.  Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters,
     then slip on soft terry mules.
  6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie.  Erase those pesky crow's-feet
     and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from
     Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
  7. Soccer Mom Barbie.  All that experience as a cheerleader
     is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high
     school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.  Comes with
     minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with
     doughnut holes and fruit punch.
  8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie.  It's time to ditch Ken.  Barbie
     needs a change, and Alonzo(her personal trainer) is just
     what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac.  They're
     hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa
     Valley to open a B&B. includes a real tape of "Breaking
     Up Is Hard To Do."
  9. Divorced Barbie.  Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's
     house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
 10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up
     with the ultimate party girl.  Now she does Twelve Steps
     instead of dance steps.  Clean and sober, she's going to
     meetings religiously. Come with a little copy of The Big
     Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
 11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when
     she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a
     lot.  She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch
     watching the tube, clicking through the channels.  Comes
     with Depends and Kleenex.  As a bonus this year, the
     book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

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Subj:     White Trash Barbie (S141, DU)
          From: gsm on 10/14/1999

 introducing WHITE TRASH BARBIE:

 She's larger and meaner than them other prissy, stuck-up,
 think-they're-better'n-you Barbies!

 Now every girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty
 with her special trailer-park friend.

 Every WHITE TRASH BARBIE comes complete with:
 Two packs of Marlboro Lights for Barbie's smoking pleasure!
 A six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer (it's on sale!) to refresh
 Barbie during her busy day of bitching and watching TV.
 Stylish, every occasion Spandex pants, halter top and sandals.
 *Hot pants or blue jean cutoffs may be substituted on dolls
    shipped to Alabama).
 Waffle House uniform sold separately.
 Barbie comes with platinum blonde hair and black roots showing.
 Miracle-o'-procreation button!  Press button on Barbie's back
    and she's pregnant...again!
 Action bitch pull string!  Barbie can say 11 phrases including,
    "I tol' jew friggin' kids to git the hell outa my yard!"
    "Git me anuther beer, baybee."
    "Whur's my damn cigarettes?", and more.
 ALSO AVAILABLE:
 1.  Barbie doublewide dream trailer: Mobile home fun complete
     with stained carpet, broken steps, and TV set.
     Barbie's wormy pet cat Rufus, also included.
     Trailer disassembles for use with the Tornado
     Action Playset (Sold separately).
 2.  Barbie dream car:  1982 Camaro in mix-n'-match colors,
     smokin' chokin' exhaust*, and coat hanger radio antenna.
     (Holds two white Trash Barbies or fifteen Mexi-Migrant
     Barbies) (*Smoke non-toxic, unless breathed.)
 3.  Abusive boyfriend Ken with Asskickn' leg action and bitch-
     Slap backhand.  With cowboy boots and MD 20/20 bottle.
     Curses and mumbles when string is pulled.
 4.  Married life Ken with Beer-bustin' expanding waist*.  Molded
     to recliner, with TV remote, beer, and chips.  Says "Shut up,
     woman," and "Git me a beer." (*Waist cannot be reduced once
     expanded.)

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Subj:     Buying A Barbie Doll (DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #4 on 98-01-04

 A guy walks into the Toys-R-Us toy shop in downtown New
 York and says to the assistant "Could you please show me
 your Barbie dolls?"

 She says, "Certainly,  sir.  Here,  we have:
      Fashion Barbie @ $15.95
      Vacation Barbie @ $15.95
      Housewife Barbie @ $15.95 and
      Divorcee Barbie @ $215.95!"

 The guy asks in astonishment, "Why is divorcee Barbie so
 much?  She looks the same to me."

 The assistant answers, "Well, sir, divorcee Barbie comes
 complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's
 furniture... .

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Subj:     Short Barbie Jokes

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Subj:     Playboy Sells Dolls (S253b, DU)
          From: jerry on 12/5/2001
 Playboy, Inc. is bringing out a line of "anatomically correct"
 doll replicas of some of their most famous playmates from the
 magazine.  The first issue will feature the 1997 Playmate of
 the Year, Swedish blonde Victoria Silvstedt.  There will be
 three new dolls each year over the next 5 to 10 years.

 The 16" tall dolls will sell for about $50.  Only 30,000 of
 each doll will be made.

 San Diego Union-Tribune 29-Nov-01
 

 Did you hear about the Barbie doll; it's called Divorce Barbie.
 She comes with all of Ken's stuff.  -- The Riddler

From: humorlist-digest V2 #92 on 98-04-14
 If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

From: FrankRoesc on 7/20/99
 If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33.
 She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck
 twice the length of a normal human's neck.

From: ICohen on 3/13/2001 (S215)
 Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

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Barbie's friend from Barbie & Friends

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