>>> Subj:   Arkansas Jokes (Gz)              (Includes 23 jokes and articles)

Gas Station Guy from ARG! Cartoon Aimation Studio

Also see DOCTOR3 file - 'Country Doctor Delivers Baby With Dad's Help'
         ELDERLY1     - 'Highway Patrol Pulls Over Elderly Woman'
......................- 'Hillbilly's 60 Anniversary'
         FARMER2 file - 'Rural Wisdom'
         ITALIAN file - 'Moishe Goes To Italy'
         PUSSY file   - 'Country Doctor Delivers Baby With Kid's Help'
         REDNECK3     - 'Rednecks Get Married'
         SOUTHERN     - 'Taxidermist In Alabama Bar'
......................- 'Alabama Medical Directory'
......................- 'You Know You Are A Yankee IF...'
......................- (See whole file)
         WEDDING-HNYMN- 'Where Are We Now?'
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Subj:     Ozark Speech Translated (S409b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 11/19/2004

 The Ozark manner of speech dates back to more relaxed times
 when people just said what they had to and didn't worry about
 "proper grammar" or "proper pronunciation."  This pages started
 with words that

 Ozark Speak - English Translation - Proper Ozark Usage

 Afeared - Afraid - He's afeared of his own shadow.
 A-Fixin - Getting Ready - We're a-fixin to go to town.
 Aim - Intend or Plan - I aim to go to town soon.
 Biggety - Stuck up or Show off - Well aint she biggety lately!
 Chimbley - Chimney - Santa Claus comes down the chimbley.
 Clum - Climbed - I Clum that tree over yonder.
 Crick - Creek - I'm goin to the crick to go swimmin.
 Dawg - Dog - That shore is a dumb dawg
 Doin's - A function or gathering - Are you goin to
    the doins tonight?
 Dreckly - Soon - I'll be there directly
 Et - Eaten - Have you et yet?
 Fetch - Bring or Go Ge t- I want you to fetch the
    eggs fer me.
 Fer - For - Lets rest here fer a spell.
 Frog - Strangler - A Hard Rain That shor was
    a frog strangler.
 Gander - To look - Take a gander at that there bird!
 Git Get Go git some milk from that cow.
 Gully warsher - See Frog Strangler - That shore
    was a gully warsher.
 Haint - Ain't - I haint going to the store for
    Roastners today.
 Hankerin - Craving - I have a hankerin for Roastners.
 Hep - Help - Hep me warsh this dawg!
 Hisn - His - That dog is hisn
 Holler - A Valley - My family lives down in the Holler.
 Kivver - Covered - That tree is kivvered with leaves.
 Liketa - Nearly - I liketa broke my neck when I tripped
 Mighty - Definitely - She shore is mighty mean today.
 Naw - No - Naw, I aint a-fixen to go to the doins.
 Necked - Unclothed - Get Necked and throw them
    clothes in the warsh tub.
 Onest - Once -  Child, I don't aim to tell you more
    than onest!
 Parts - Area or Neighborhood  - What parts do ya'll
    come from?
 Peakid - Pale or sick looking - You look mighty
    peaked today.
 Pill-uh - Pillow  - That shore is a fluffy Pilluh
 Pizen - Poison - There are pizen snakes in these parts.
 Plumb - Not a plumbing term - I shore am plumb
    worn out (very tired).
 Poke - Paper Bag - I'm a-fixin to put the eggs in
    a poke.
 Pritnear - Almost  - I'm pritnear done with my
    mendin'.
 Put Out - Angry, Annoyed - He shore was put out today.
 Roastners - Corn on the Cob - Them roastners
    shore are good.
 Set - Sit - Ya'll set and rest fer a spell
 Shed of - Get rid of - I shore want to be shed
    of this cold.
 Shore - Sure - I Shore like those flowers.
 Skeered - Afraid - He is skeered of his own
    shadow.
 Smart - To hurt - That leg shore smarts.
 Spell - A period of time - I went to church fer
    a spell today.
 Tarlet - Toilet - Youngun, stop dancin and use
    the Tarlet!
 Wallerin - Whining or Crying - Sit still and
    quit yer wallerin
 Warsh - Wash - Warsh yer hands 'n face befer dinner.
 Winder - Window  - The pie is coolin on the
    winder sill.
 Ya'll - You All - Ya'll set with us fer a spell.
 Yeller - A color between orange  and green. - Look at
    that Yellar dog over yonder.
 Yonder - Over there - Billy Bob went yonder to fetch
    hisn dawg
 You'ns - You or all - You'ns better aim to come for vittles
 Yourn - Yours -This aint mine is it yourn
 Younguns - Children -You younguns better git to bed now.

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Subj:     Woman Shot In Car (S108, S525b)
          From: Tom_Adams on 99-02-10
      and From: gordonschuk on 1/29/07

 WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)

 Linda  Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws in Arkansas,
 and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up
 some groceries.  Several people noticed her sitting in
 her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes
 closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

 One customer who had been at the store for a while became
 concerned and walked over to the car.  He noticed that
 Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.
 He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that
 she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been
 holding her brains in for over an hour.  The man called
 the  paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors
 were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from
 her head.
 

When they finally got in, they found that  Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back  of her head.  A Pillsbury biscuit canister  had exploded from the heat, making a  loud noise that sounded like a gunshot,  and the wad of dough hit her in the back  of her head.  When she reached back to  find out what it was, she felt the dough

 and thought it was her brains.  She initially passed out,
 but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for
 over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

 And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

 This great story is an urban legend as verified at
 http://www.snopes.com/crime/safety/biscuit.htm

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Subj:     Cadillac Gets Gas In Arkansas (S58)
          From: ipkis on 97-11-20
          (Also see 'Tiger Woods Stops For Gas' in GOLF2)

 John and Cathy were driving through Arkansas on their way from
 New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, John decided
 to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About  5 minutes
 later, he spotted one and pulled over to the high octane pump.

 "What can I do fer ya'll?" asks the attendant.

 "Fill her up with high test," replied John

 While the attendant was filling up the tank, he started checking
 out the car. "What kinda car is dat?" he asked, "Never seen one like
 it before."

 "Well," responded John, his chest swelling up with pride, "this my
 boy is a 1997 Cadillac DeVille."

 "What all it got in it?" asked the attendant.

 "Well," said John, "It has everything. It has power steering,
 power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck
 CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo,
 rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior,
 digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

 "Wow," said the attendant, "that's really something."

 "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asked John

 "That'll be $30.17," said the attendant.

 John pulled out his money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10. He
 goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change.
 Mixed up with the change are golf tees.

 "What dem little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

 "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.

 "Wow," said the attendant, "dem Cadillac people really think of
 everything!"

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Subj:     Arkansas Couple Don't Want More Kids (S13, S538b)
          From: KMACINTY on 4/30/2003
      and From: RDOBRY on 5/7/2007

 After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
 enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.  So, the
 husband went to his veterinarian, and told him that he and
 his cousin didn't want to have any more chirren.

 The Vet told him that there was a procedure called a Vasectomy,
 that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.  "A
 less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home,
 get a cherry bomb,(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it,
 put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and
 count to 10."

 The Alabamian said to the vet, "Golly Doc, I may not be the
 smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a dang
 cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear; is going to hep me?"

 "Trust me!", said the doctor.

 So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer
 can.  He held the can up to his ear and began to count...
    "1"
    "2"
    "3"
    "4"
    "5"
 At this point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs,
 and resumed counting with his other hand...

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Subj:     A Letter From An Arkansas Mother To Her Son (S126b, S468b)
          From: RFSlick on 6/23/99
      and From: jbcary1 on 1/10/2006

 Dear Son:
 I'm writing this real slow cause I know you can't read very fast.
 We don't live where we did when you left.  Your Daddy read in the
 paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so
 we moved.

 I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas
 family that lived here took the numbers off the house with them for
 their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.

 This place has a washing machine.  The first day I put four shirts
 in, pulled the chain and I ain't seen 'em since.

 It only rained twice this week.  Three days the first time and four
 days the second time.

 You know the coat you wanted me to send you?  Well, Aunt Sue said
 it would be too heavy to sent in the mail with them heavy buttons
 on it, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

 We got a letter from the funeral home. They said if we don't make
 the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

 Your sister had a baby this morning.  I ain't heard whether it's
 a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you're an uncle or an aunt.

 Your Uncle John fell in the whisky vat.  Some men tried to pull
 him out, but he fought them off, so he drowned.  We cremated him
 and he burned for three days.

 Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.  One was
 driving, the other two was in the back.  The driver got out.  He
 rolled the window down and swam to safety.  The other two drowned.
 They couldn't get the tailgate down.

 There's not much news this time, nothing much has happened.

 Love, Mama

 P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was
 already sealed.

Subj:     Second version
          From: Yzmir's HUMOR LISTS Updated 5/22/1997

 My Dear French Canadian Male Son, Claude.

 Jus a few line to let you know dat hi ham still alive. hi
 ham writing dis letter slowley because hi know dat you can
 not read fast.  You won't know de house when you come home
 we move.

 Dere was a washing machine in de new house when we move in,
 but hit ain't working too good.  Last week hi put in shirt
 into hit, pulled de chain, an ain't seen de shirt since.

 About your papa, he has a nice job, he has 624 men hunder
 him He his cutting de grass in de cemetary.

 Your sister Pauline had a baby dis mornin.  Hi haven't found
 hout wedder its ha boy or girl, so hi not know wedder you ha
 haunt hor kunkle.

 Your kunkle pierre drowne las week in a vat os whiskey in
 Tree River Quebec.  Some hof his workmate drive hin to save
 him, but he fight dem hoff too hard.

 We cremate his body and hit take tree day to put hout de
 fire.  Your papa did not have much to drink hat christmas.
 Hi put a bottle hof caster hoil in his mug of beer, hit
 kept him going till New Years Days. Hi went to de doctor
 hon thursday and you papa came wit me. Da doctor put a
 small tube hin my mouth an tol me not to hope it for 10
 minute. you papa hoffer to buy hit from him.

 Hit only rain twice dis week. First for tree days, an den
 for four days.  Munday hit was so windy dot half hof de
 chicken lay de same hegg four time.

 We got a letter from de undertaker.  He said if de las
 payment was not paid hon your grandmama within seven days,
 hup she come.

 Your lowin Mama

 Hi was goin to sen you 10 dollar but hi have already seal
 do henvelope.

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Subj:     Arkansas State Residency Application
          From: Internet Joke Archive

 Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
     (last)             (_) Billy-Joe
                        (_) Billy-Ray
                        (_) Billy-Sue
                        (_) Billy-Mae
                        (_) Billy-Jack
                        (Check appropriate box)
 Age: ____
 Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
 Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
 Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Un-employed
 Spouse's Name: __________________________
 Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Daughter
                           (_) Uncle  (_) Cousin  (_) Mother
                           (_) Father (_) Son     (_) Aunt    (_) Pet
 Number of children living in household: ___
 Number that are yours: ___
 Mother's Name: _______________________
 Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
 Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
 Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
 ___ Total number of vehicles you own
 ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
 ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
 ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
 ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
 Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom
     ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed
 Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
 Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer
     (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest
 ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
 ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
 ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
 How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)N/A
 Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A
 Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man
 How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

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Subj:     Short Arkansas Jokes

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Subj:     Arkansas Governor's New Home (S188)
          From: gheckman on 09/03/2000
 The governor of Arkansas, Mike Huckabee, and his family, will
 live in a triple-wide mobile home while renovations on the
 governor's mansion are being made.  The 2131 sq ft., $110,000
 house, which was trucked to the site in 3 parts last month,
 and is located in the mansion's back yard.  The first lady
 has promised to give tours of the new digs as soon as her
 family is settled.
 

From: humorlist-digest V1 #208 on 97-09-26
 So anyway this hillbilly took his girl up to lovers peak. They
 sat down on a log.
 After a bit Judi says to Jon, "Aren't the stars purty tonite?"
 Jon says "Sure is Judi".
 Judi says "Jon, aren't the moon purty tonite".
 Jon says "Sure is Judi".
 After a bit Judi says, "Jon, whisper something soft and mushy
 in my ear".
 So Jon leans over and whispers "'Shit'".

From: humorlist-digest V2 #37 on 98-02-07
 If the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Arkansas,
 because everything happens there 20 years later.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #37 on 98-02-07
 I married a moonshiner's daughter and I love her still.

From: ipkis on 97-11-22
 A new law was passed in Arkansas recently:
 when a couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #67 on 98-03-17
 Two Arkansas are walking down the street toward each other and one is
 carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha
 got in  th' bag?"
  "Jus' some chickens."
  "If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
  "I'll give you both of them."
  "OK.  Ummmmm......, five?"

 The Arkansan and his gal were embracing passionately in the front
 seat of the car. "Want to go in the back seat?"she asked. "No," he
 replied.
 A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?"
 "No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."

From: RFSlick on 98-12-09
 Arkansas:  Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

From: RFSlick on 98-04-10 (S575)
 What are the three biggest lies in Arkansas?
 1.  I got my high school diploma.
 2.  My truck is all paid for
 3.  No officer she's not my sister

 Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down?
 A: Almost took out the whole trailer park.

From: BREWONETO on 98-02-16
 Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
 A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #67 on 98-03-17
 Q: Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Arkansas State Lottery?
 A: The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

 Q: What do a Divorce in Arkansas, and a Tornado have in common?
 A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

 Q: Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater
    in groups of 18 or more?
 A: 17 and under not admitted.

 Q: What do you get when you have 32 Arkansans in the same room?
 A: A full set of teeth.

 Q: Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
 A: Everyone has the same DNA.

From: JCary on 7/12/99 (S128)
 Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Arkansas
    burned down?
 A: Yep. Pert'near took out the whole trailer park.

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