redneck1

Subj: Redneck1 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 177 jokes and articles)

Dancing Girl from
PageWorks

Includes the following: You're Probably A Redneck If (168 items)
.........................Joke # 50
.........................Redneck Shopping Quote (S514c)
.........................Joke # 100
.........................Joke # 150
.........................New Joke Entries

   1. More than 1 living relative is named after
      a southern civil war general.
   2. Your front porch collapses and more than
      three dogs are killed.
   3. You've ever used lard in bed.
   4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
   5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is
      an hors d'ouerve.
   6. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
   7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality
      entertainment.
   8. Fewer than half of your cars run.
   9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her
      lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss
      her ass.
10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".
11. You honestly think that women are turned on by
      animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
12. You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and
      wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
13. Your family tree doesn't fork.
14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15. Your mother has been in a fistfight at a high school
      sports event.
17. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
18. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em
      in the shade.
19. The neighbors started a petition over your
      Christmas lights.
20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
21. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since
      "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
22. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the
      economy size bottle of ketchup.
23. The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as
      the front ones.
24. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
25. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
26. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
27. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words
      "Trucking Institute".
28. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
29. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
30. Your favorite christmas present, was a painting
      on black velvet.
31. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
32. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion
      is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
33. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are
      2 of the major food groups.
34. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
35. The first words out of your mouth every time you see
      friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!", or "How Y'all Doin?"
      (If they respond with the same, they're a redneck too!)
36. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
37. Your father encourages you to quit school because
      Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
38. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
39. You think that styrofoam coolers is
      the greatest invention of all time.
40. You've been too drunk to fish.
41. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
42. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
43. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
44. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to
      meet `Ms. Right'
45. You have to go outside to get something out
      of the 'fridge.
46. Your riches relative invites you over to his new home
      to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
47. You've ever financed a tattoo.
48. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and
      a sixpack.
49. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
Top
50. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name
      on an overpass.
51. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
52. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them
      your belt buckle.
53. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
54. The directions to your house include "turn off
      the paved road".
55. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
56. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just
      had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
57. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
58. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
59. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
60. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an
      empty beer can in the car.
61. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
62. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window
      of your car.
63. You have a very special baseball cap, just for
      formal occassions.
64. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the
      message: "for a good time call..", because you feel
      guilty about putting it there...
65. Redman sends you a Christmas card.
66. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while
      you are at work.
67. Your dad walks you to school because you are both
      in the same grade.
68. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
69. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
70. You have started a petition to change the National
      Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
71. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
72. You consider your license plate personalized because
      your dad made it in prison.
73. You have been fired from a construction job because
      of your appearance.
74. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a
      freebie at the House of Tattoos.
75. You need an estimate from your barber before you get
      a haircut.
76. After making love you ask your date to roll down
      the window.
77. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid
      you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
78. You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance
      in your front yard.
79. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer & lookit
      this afore I flush it."
80. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
81. You mow your lawn and find a car.
82. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night
      involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket
      and grabbing a flashlight.
83. You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and
      girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
84. You are still holding on to Confederate money
      because you think the South will rise again.
85. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
86. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
87. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the
      farthest contest".
88. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once
      a year.
89. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of
      overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
90. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and
      a gun rack hanging in your truck.
91. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were
      just "Misunderstood".
92. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
93. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
94. You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck
      and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
95. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
96. You know of at least six different ways to bend the
      bill of a baseball hat.
97. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking
      your head.
98. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
99. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole
      coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah
      bubba's barn..."

Top
Subj: Redneck Shopping Quote (S514c)
From: gordonschuk

Top
100. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
101. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal
      agents of the Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms,
      and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose
      them or not.
102. you have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
103. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
104. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is
      the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before
      you and your wife/girl make love.
105. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive
      him around in.
106. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you
      can't guess...)
107. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
108. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
109. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard
      on the waterbed.
110. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
112. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups
      than cars.
113. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or
      Elvis over your fireplace.
114. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
116. There are four or more cars up on blocks in
      the front yard.
117. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends
      in Low Placces'
118. It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than
      mow it.
119. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and
      Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
120. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of
      paint to defend your sister's honor.
121. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars
      coming, baby!"
122. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red
      and primer gray.
123. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
124. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a
      flat tire...on her house.
125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
126. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so
      ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
127. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
128. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there
      is a law against it.
129. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
130. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the
      sound of a tornado,
131. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you
      catch something!
132. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you
      to pull up your jeans.
133. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place
      consists of the wheels off his doublewide (in memory
      of Chris "No House" Skowronski).
134. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist
      attraction in your home town.
135. You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both
      a black eye and a hickey.
136. Getting a package from your post office requires a
      full tank of gas in the truck.
137. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape,
      it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
138. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if
      they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
139. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
140. You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton
      singing "I Will Always Love You".
141. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of
      course this is a very sophisticated sophisticated
      redneck joke... if you laughed... you must be a redneck,
      only they will get this one.)
142. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them
      a gourmet item.
143. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the
      Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
145. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your
      Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man
      is one too if he pays you for it).
146. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale
      moonlight with Alan Jackson.
147. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on
      your education.
148. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! "
149. You can tell your age by the number of rings
      in the bathtub.
Top
150. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze
      into sporting events.
151. You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
152. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties
      for your hair.
153. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
154. The blue book value of your truck goes up and
      down depending on how much gas it has in it.
155. Your classes at school were cancelled because the
      path to the restroom was flooded.
156. On your job application under "SEX" you put "As
      often as possible".
157. During your senior year you and your mother had
      homeroom together.
158. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start
      drinking when it gets light.
159. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to
      borrow the keys to the tractor.
160. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
161. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon
      by going deerhunting.
162. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would
      Curly do?".
163. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the
      Dairy Queen.
164. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner
      are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
165. Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
166. Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
167. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your
      car hood.
168. You bring your dog to work with you.
XXX. You actually get offended by Jeff Foxworthy's CD
      "You Might Be A Redneck" (or this posting) ;-)
      WARNING: IF TWENTY OR MORE OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE ABOUT YOU....
      YOU ARE A REDNECK, AND SHOULD SEEK CIVILIZED HELP IMMEDIATELY...
Top

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF . . . . .
From: RFSlick on 98-12-06

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth
than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke
at the dinner table in front of her kids

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls
on a different night.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down,
depending on how much gas it has in it.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it

\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================

Redneck Smiley from
Millan Net Gif Animations

.