Subj: Redneck3 Jokes
(Includes 72 jokes and articles, 28646b)
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Subj: Redneck3 Jokes (Includes 72 jokes and articles, 28646b) Click "Here" for Redneck-Supp |
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Nose Wiper from ARG! Cartoon Aimation Studio |
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| Subj:
Redneck Christmas Carols (S464b)
From: darrell94590 on 12/12/2005 |
 |
You can see this SWF movie of
Redneck Christmas Carols on
my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Poem
About A Hexed Redneck (S342b, S600b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/4/2003
My wife just left, and the well
went dry.
My horse is sick and about to
die.
Then my still blew up and the
barn burned down,
And the road washed out on the
way to town.
Then my dog got rabies and bit
the cat,
And they both died soon after
that.
Now I lost my specs, and my
pipe-stem broke,
So I can't even sit and read
and smoke.
A tree fell on the chicken shed,
And most of the hens got smashed
plumb dead.
Then a chimney fire took half
of a wall,
And this old shack is about
to fall.
Then I caught my heel on an old
dead vine,
And sat smack dab on a porcupine.
Then a beaver dam broke and
my bridge washed out,
And my watch stopped working
and I've got the gout.
And the bank foreclosed, so I've
lost my place,
And my cow disappeared without
a trace.
They cut off my credit at the
grocery store,
And I lost my job and a whole
lot more.
I must have been hexed by a triple
curse,
As things keep going from bad
to worse.
And now fate has hit me a last
dirty crack,
To top off the worst ….. my
wife's coming back!
\\\//
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Subj: Redneck
Family Tree (S307, S509)
From: Puneet385 on 12/19/2002
(Also see 'I'm My Own
Grandpa' in Music-Supp)
Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with
her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my
wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever
saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!
\\\//
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Subj: You'll
Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If (S291, DU)
From: ICohen on 8/29/2002
People ask, when they learn that
Jesus fed the 5000, whether
the two fish were bass or catfish,
and what bait was used to
catch 'em.
When the pastor says, "I'd like
to ask Bubba to help take up
the offering," five guys and
two women stand up.
Opening day of deer season is
recognized as an official
church holiday.
A member of the church requests
to be buried in his 4-wheel-
drive truck because "It ain't
never been in a hole it could
not get out of."
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.
In a congregation of 500 members,
there are only seven last
names in the church directory.
Baptism is referred to as "branding."
There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
People think "rapture" is what
you get when you lift some-
thing too heavy.
The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
The choir robes were donated
by (and embroidered with the
logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
The finance committee refuses
to provide funds for the
purchase of a chandelier because
none of the members
knows how to play one.
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Subj: Redneck
Calls FBI About Marijuana (S214, DU)
From: KMACINTY on 3/6/2001
(Also see 'The Lettuce Patch'
in PRISON
and see 'Irishman
Needs His Garden Spaded' in IRISH2))
WHO SAYS REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT??
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about
my neighbor Billy Bob Smith!
He is hiding marijuana inside
his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents
descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the
firewood is kept. Using axes,
they bust open every piece of
wood, but find no marijuana.
They end up swearing at Billy
Bob and leaving.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy!"
\\\//
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Subj: Redneck
Engineering Exam (S131B, S601c)
From: smiles on 8/6/99
and
From: RFSlick on 5/20/2003
1. Calculate the smallest limb
diameter on a persimmon
tree that
will support a 10 lb. possum.
2. Which of the following cars
will rust out the quickest
when placed
on blocks in your front yard?
A) 66 Ford
Fairlane
B) 69 Chevrolet
Chevelle
C) 64 Pontiac
GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still
that operates at a
capacity
of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car
radiators
are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain
saw that operates at
2700 rpm.
The density of the pine trees in a plot to
be harvested
is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in
size. The
average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many
Pabst Blue
Ribbons will be consumed in cutting the
trees?
5. If every old refrigerator
in the state vented its
charge of
R-12 simultaneously, what would be the
decrease
in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed
of 2x8 pine on 24 inch
centers with
a field rock foundation. The span is 8
feet and
the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor
is 1 inch
rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses,
how many
hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7
acres of land in a hollow
with an average
slope of 15%. The man has 5 children.
Can each
of the children place a mobile home on the
man's land?
8. A 2 ton pulpwood truck is
overloaded and proceeding
down a steep
grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The
brakes fail.
Given the average traffic loading of
secondary
roads, how many people will swerve to avoid
the truck
before it crashes at the bottom of the
mountain?
For extra
credit, how many of the vehicles that
swerved will
have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A coal mine operates as an
NFPA Class 1, Division 2
Hazardous
Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift.
A gas warning
is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift.
How many
cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked
during the
shift?
10. At a reduction in gene pool
variability rate of 7.5%
per generation,
how long will it take a town that has
been bypassed
by the interstate to breed a country
western singer?
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Subj: Maw
Wants Paw To Fix Outhouse (S212, S606)
From: thebartend on 2/23/2001
Maw is outside hangin' up the
laundry, when she hears Paw
in the kitchen. Maw walks
in and says, "Paw, get out there
and fix that there outhouse."
Paw says, "All right, Maw."
Paw walks out to the outhouse,
looks at it and says, "Maw,
there ain't nothin' wrong with
this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."
Paw says, "I ain't puttin' my head in that there hole!"
Maw says, "Well you're gonna
have to if'n you're gonna fix
the problem!"
So Paw puts his head down in
the hole (just a little bit,
mind ya) and then hollers, "Maw,
there ain't nothin' wrong
with this here outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."
Paw goes to lift up his head
and he says, "Oww! Ouch! Maw!
MAW, my beard's stuck in the
wood cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
\\\//
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Subj: Ma And
Pa Sitting On The Porch
From: humorlist-digest V2 #168 on 98-07-07
Ma and Pa are sitting on the front porch swing rockin.
Pa says to Ma "Screw you Ma"
A minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa "Screw you Pa"
A minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma "Screw you Ma"
Another minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa "Screw you Pa"
Another minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma "Screw you Ma"
A minute later, Ma says to Pa "Screw you Pa"
A couple of minutes go by, and
Pa says to Ma "I don't know
about you Ma, but I just don't
get too much out of this
Oral Sex stuff!"
\\\//
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Subj: Ventriloquist
Takes Act To Mississippi (S382b)
From: RFSlick on 98-05-13
(Also see 'The Ventiloquist'
in BLONDE2)
A ventriloquist from New York
took his act on the road to
Mississippi. After about
twenty minutes of performing
joke after joke about rednecks
a good ol' boy in the
audience stood up and said,
"I'm damn tired of you Yankees
makin' fun of us southern folks
and always tryin' to make
us look stupid. If you
don't stop it right now I'm going
to come up there and shut you
up!"
The ventriloquist said, "Take
it easy buddy, they're just
jokes."
The redneck replied, "You stay
out of this...I'm talkin'
to that little loudmouth on
your lap!"
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Subj: Two
Redneck Hunters (S289)
From: mjsl on 8/15/2002
(Also see 'Bubba And Bo Go Hunting
II' in Huntung)
A couple of redneck hunters are
out in the woods when
one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be
breathing, his eyes are rolled
back in his head.
The other redneck starts to panic,
then whips out his
cell phone and calls 911.
He frantically blurts out to
the operator, "O my gawd!
Help! My friend just died.
He's dead! What can I
do?"
The operator, trying to calm
him says, "Take it easy.
I can help. Just listen
to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead."
There's a short pause, and then
the operator hears a loud
gun shot. The redneck
comes back on the line and says,
"OK, now what?"
\\\//
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Subj: Two
Rednecks And The Roadblock (S112)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #86 on 98-04-08
and
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #293 on 3/19/99
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl,
were driving down the road
drinking a couple of bottles
of Bud. The passenger, Bubba,
said "lookey thar up ahead,
Earl, it's a po-leece road-
block!! We're gonna get
busted fer drinkin' these here
beers!!"
Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said.
"We'll just pull over and
finish drinkin' these beers,
peel off the label and stick
it on our foreheads, and throw
the bottles under the seat".
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin',
OK?", said Earl. Well, they
finished their beers, threw
the empty bottles under the
seat, and each put a label on
their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock,
the sheriff said, "You
boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch".
\\\//
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Subj: Jesus
Sitting At The Bar (S61, S472)
From: thebartend on 98-04-01
and
From: DoctorDebt on 1/26/2006
The bartender was washing his
glasses, when an elderly
Irishman came in. With great
difficulty, the Irishman
hoisted his bad leg over the
barstool, pulled himself
up painfully, and asked for
a sip of Irish whiskey. The
Irishman looked down the bar
and said, "Is that Jesus
down there?" The bartender nodded,
so the Irishman told
him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey,
too.
The next patron to come in was
an ailing Italian with a
hunched back, who moved very
slow. He shuffled up to the
barstool and asked for a glass
of Chianti. He also looked
down the bar and asked if that
was Jesus sitting at the
end of the bar. The bartender
nodded, so the Italian said
to give him a glass of Chianti,
too.
The third patron to enter the
bar was a redneck, who
swaggered into the bar and hollered,
"Barkeep, set me up
a cold one! Hey, is that
God's Boy down there?" The
barkeep nodded, so the redneck
told him to give Jesus a
cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he
walked over to the Irishman
and touched him and said, "For
your kindness, you are
healed!" The Irishman
felt the strength come back to his
leg, so he got up and danced
a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and
said, "For your kindness,
you are healed!" The Italian
felt his back straighten,
so he raised his hands above
his head and did a flip out
the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck,
but the redneck jumped
back and exclaimed, "Don't touch
me! I'm drawing disability!"
\\\//
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Subj: Redneck
Etiquette (S57)
From: mbucher on 98-03-04
PERSONAL HYGIENE
----------------
Unlike clothes and shoes, a
toothbrush should never be a
hand-me-down item.
While ears need to be cleaned
regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using
one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can
forestall bathing for several
days. However, if you
live alone, deodorant is a waste of
good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails
is a social no-no,
as they tend to detract from
a woman's jewelry and alter
the tastes of finger foods.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is
time-consuming work. A
cigarette lighter and a small
tolerance for pain can
accomplish the same goal and
save hours. Its a good idea
to keep a bucket of water handy
when using this method.
DINING OUT
----------
When decanting wine, make sure
that you tilt the paper
cup and pour slowly so as not
to "bruise" the fruit of
the vine. If drinking
directly from the bottle, always
hold it with your fingers covering
the label.
Remember to leave a generous
tip for good service. After
all, their mobile home costs
just as much as yours.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
-------------------------
A centerpiece for the table
should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at
the table... no matter
how good his manners are.
Be considerate of your guests.
Point out in advance
where the injury-threatening
springs are located on
the sofa.
If your dog falls in love with
a guest's leg, have the
decency to leave them alone
for a few minutes.
DATING (Outside the Family)
---------------------------
Always offer to bait your date's
hook, especially on
the first date.
No matter how broke you are,
never take your date
flowers that were stolen from
a cemetery.
Be aggressive. Let her
know you are interested: "I've
been wanting to go out with
you since I read that stuff
on the men's bathroom wall two
years ago."
Establish with her parents what
time she is expected
back. Some will say 10:00.
Others might say "Monday."
If the latter is the answer,
it's the boy's responsib-
ility to get her to school on
time.
If a girl's name does not appear
regularly on a bathroom
wall, water tower, or an overpass,
odds are good that
the date will end in frustration.
Even if you can't get a date,
avoid kidnapping. It's
bad for your reputation.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
-----------------
Crying babies should be taken
to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie
has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters
on the screen. Tests
have proven they can't hear
you.
WEDDINGS
--------
Livestock usually is a poor
choice for a wedding gift.
Is it okay to bring a date to
a wedding? Not if you are
the groom.
When dancing, never remove undergarments,
no matter how
hot it is.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
A bridal veil made of window
screen is not only cost
effective but also a proven
fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent
a tux. A leisure suit with
a cummerbund and a clean bowling
shirt can create a natty
appearance. Though uncomfortable,
say yes to socks and
shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
-----------------
Dim your headlights for approaching
vehicles, even if the
gun is loaded and the deer is
in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop,
the vehicle with the
largest tires always has the
right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the
road with a gas can, it
is impolite to ask her to bring
back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a
moving vehicle, especially
when driving.
Do not remove the seats from
the car so that all your
kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling
in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
----------------------
Never take a beer to a job interview
or ask if they
press charges.
Always identify people in your
yard before shooting
at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after
getting sick in someone
else's car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you
are included in the
will, it's considered tacky
to drive a U-Haul to the
funeral home.
The socially refined never fish
coins out of public
toilets, especially if other
people are around.
If you have to vacuum the bed,
it's time to change
the sheets.
Always provide an alibi to the
police for family members.
\\\//
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Subj: Three Rednecks By
The Camp Fire (S296)
(Also see 'Three
cowboys tell tall tales' in COWBOY)
These three tough rednecks were
sitting around the campfire
talking about just who was the
toughest. The first redneck
says: Well I'm so tough, once
when I was out gathering wood,
this coyote jumped me from behind.
Well I just grabbed him
by the neck with my left hand
and choked him to death.
The second redneck says: Hell,
that ain't nothing. Once
when I was up on the trail with
my horse Thunder this big
ol' grizzly bear comes out of
the woods with hunger in his
eyes. He chomps down and
rips of my left arm. Well this
really gets my riled up so I
grab my arm from his mouth
with my right arm and beat the
danged grizzly to death with
it.
The third redneck sits quitely
stirring up the fire with his
dick.....
\\\//
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Subj: Rednecks
Get Married (S65)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #99 on 98-04-21
Redneck Billy Joe and Redneck
Mary Sue are joined in holy
matrimony. They spend
their wedding night at the Motel 6
Honeymoon Suite in Parthenon,
Arkansas. They've abstained
from the big deed until this
very night.
Just as Billy Joe is about to
make love to his new wife for
the first time, she stops him.
"Wait, Billy Joe. I just
thought you should know.. this
ain't just our first time.
It's my first time ever.
I'm a virgin. I been savin' myself
just for you."
"Whut you say, Mary Sue?"
"I said, I'm a virgin.
One hunnert percent cherry. Just
for you on ur weddin' night."
"Yore a VIRGIN??" He asked somewhat shocked.
"That's right. Please be gentle."
"Gentle? Gentle my ass.
I'm outta here!" With that,
Billy Joe pulls up his pants,
hard-on and all, and leaves
his virgin bride lying alone
and naked.
He slams the door, gets in his pickup, and drives home.
"Paw! Paw! Wake up! Yore not gonna believe this!"
"Huh? Billy Joe, whut the
hell you doin' here? It's
3 AM on yore weddin' night!
Why the hell ain't you and
that purty new wife of yours
in a haystack somewhere doing
it like rabbits?"
"Paw, I wuz all set to do just
that, when Mary Sue up
and tells me that she's a virgin!"
"A VIRGIN?"
"That's right, Paw. One
hunnert percent cherry. As soon as
she told me, I got the hell
outta there as fast as I could!"
"Well, son, lemme tell you, you
did the right thing... Cuz
if she ain't good enough fer
her own fam'ly, she certainly
ain't good enough for ours.
\\\//
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Subj: Redneck
Birthday Cake (S412)
From: jbcary1 on 12/12/2004
 |
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Subj: Two
Rednecks Discuss Sheep Sheering
Two RedNecks standing around
on a sheep farm, during the
coldest winter they've had in
years. Red turns to Bo and
confessed that he really couldn't
wait til it was time to
shear the flocks.
The other nodded, rubbing his
hands together in anticipation.
"It'll be great selling the
wool, and spending the money on
Whiskey and beer, wi-men and
pool... won't it?"
"Nawh... That ain't it," said
Red. "Ah just cain't WAIT ta
see'em NAKED!"
\\\//
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Subj: Irish,
Mexican, And Redneck Do Construction Work (S110, S560b)
From: ipkis on 97-06-09
and
From: sfo_pilot on 10/10/2007
An Irishman, a Mexican and an
Alabama redneck were doing
construction work on scaffolding
on the 20th floor of a
building. They were eating
lunch and the Irishman said,
"Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage
one more time for lunch I'm
going to jump off this building."
The Mexcian opened his lunch
box and exclaimed, "Burritos
again! If I get burritos
one more time I'm going to jump
off, too."
The Alabama redneck opened his
lunch and said, "Bologna
again. If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time I'm
jumping too."
Next day - The Irishman opens
his lunch box, sees corned
beef and cabbage and jumps to
his death. The Mexican
opens his lunch, sees a burrito
and jumps too. The Alabama
redneck opens his lunch, sees
the bologna and jumps to his
death also.
At the funeral - The Irishman's
wife is weeping. She says,
"If I'd known how really tired
he was of corned beef and
cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!
The Mexican's wife also weeps
and says " I could have given
him two tacos or enchiladas!
I didn't realize he hated
burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at
the Alabama redneck's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she
said, "He makes his own lunch!"
\\\//
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Subj: Redneck
Reading Test (S31, S509)
From: Jeff Foxworthy
At: jeff@lonexa.admin.rl.af.mil
(Also see 'Duck
Word Riddle' in DUCKS)
Read the following: If
you get it, then you read it
correctly, and you are probably
a redneck. If you
don't get it, you didn't read
it right... Which
means you aren't a redneck...
Ask me, and I'll explain
it. (9 out of 10 probably won't
get it...)
M R DUCKS
M R NOT
O S A R C M WANGS
L I B M R DUCKS
\\\//
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Subj: Gas
Station's 'Free Sex' Contest (S293b)
From: ipkis on 97-08-30
and
From: coreymac on 9/11/2002
There was this gas station in
redneck country trying to
increase its sales, so the owner
put up a sign saying,
"Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a redneck customer pulled
in, filled his tank and
then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a
number from one to 10 and
if he guessed correctly, he
would get his free sex.
The buyer then guessed eight.
The proprietor said, "No,
you were close. The number
was seven. Sorry, no free
sex this time but maybe next
time."
Some time thereafter, the same
man, along with his buddy
this time, pulled in again for
a fill-up and again he
asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him
the same story and asked
him to guess the correct number.
The man guessed two this time
and the proprietor said,
"Sorry, it was three.
You were close but no free sex
this time."
As they were driving away, the
driver said to his buddy,
"I think that game is rigged
and he doesn't give away
free sex."
The buddy replied, "No, it ain't
rigged. My wife won
twice last week."
\\\//
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Subj: Twas
A Redneck Christmas
From: smiles on 98-12-10
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin'
'Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe
was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin
Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by
the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul
stench in the air.
That Bubba got scared And rousted
the boys.
There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob
was 11;
Dud goin' on 10; Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were
5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls So
they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls,
No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, Then
turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack That
hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns; They
grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young'uns,
"Now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do Is
wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting And needed
her sleep,
So out they crept out the door
Without making a peep.
They all looked around, and then
they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw,
what is it?"
Bubba just stared; He could
not say a word.
This was just like all of The
stories he'd heard.
It was Santy Claus on the roof,
Darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know; They
was about to start shootin'!
They aimed their shotguns and
nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in
venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, "Don't shoot,
boys!"
That's Santy Claus And he's
brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin' And a-raisin'
cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted,
And called them by name.
"Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet!
Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam
and Bosco!"
"Git down from that porch! Git
down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, Or
you'll make Santy fall!"
The dogs kept a-barkin' And
wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete
Who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag, And threw
out some toys.
Bubba got most, But left a few
for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped
He just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh, Told
his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble
Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer Got into
the air,
The trailer collapsed, But Bubba
didn't care.
He was busy lookin' At all his
new toys.
Then a thought hit him, And
he said to the boys:
"Go check on yer Maw, Make sure
she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her Could-a
hurt just a might."
But Maw was OK, And the girls
were too.
They fixed up the trailer; It
looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, He liked Old
St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba Was
a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas,
And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish A Merry
Christmas to you!
\\\//
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Subj: Redneck
Nativity Scene (S46, S518b)
From: cohen#il on 97-12-12
and
From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 12/20/2006
In a small Southern town there
was a "Nativity Scene" that
showed great skill and talent
had gone into creating it.
One small feature bothered me.
The Three Wise Men were
wearing Firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with
a reason or explanation, I left.
At the "Quick Stop" on the edge
of town, I asked the lady
behind the counter about the
helmets. She exploded into
a rage, yelling at me, "You
darn Yankees never do read the
Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but
simply could not recall any-
thing about Firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible
from behind the counter, flipped
thru some pages, and
finally jabbed her finger at
a passage. Sticking it in my
face she said "See, it says
right here, "The Three Wise
Men came from afar!"
\\\//
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Subj: Twas
The Night After Christmas
From: auntieg on 98-12-18
'Twas the Night After Christmas"
By Jeff Foxworthy (?)
'Twas the night after Christmas
and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat and the
pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no
candies or toys,
and I was camped out on my old
Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking
to me or my wife,
the worst Christmas they said
they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and neither
could I,
so I watched TV and my wife,
she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog
started barkin',
I stood up and looked and I
saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to
uphold the laws
and I got a complaint here from
a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know
nobody named Claus,
and you ain't taking me in without
probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The
man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been
me, just what's he look like?"
The Sheriff replied, "He's a
jolly old feller, with a big
beer gut belly, that shakes
when he laughs like a bowl full
of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a
nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds
like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy"
the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing is dressed
all in red.
I'm here for the truth now,
it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell
me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I
thought what the hell,
it wouldn't have been the first
time that I've spent
New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened
last night about ten,
and I thought that my wife had
been drinking again."
When she walked in from work
she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen
one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of
deer had just flown over her
head, and stopped on the roof
of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and
the sight made me shudder,
a freezer full of venison standing
right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin'
as I grabbed my gun,
when outta Red's chimney this
feller did run.
And slung on his back was this
bag over flowin'.
I thought he'd stolen Red's
stuff while old Red was
out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands
in the air!"
But he went about his business
like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot over
his head.
Well he dropped that bag and
he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him
extort,
"That's assault with intent
Roy, I'll see ya in court."
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Redneck Jokes
| Subj:
Risky Whisky (S473b in Games-Supp)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 2/2/2006 |
 |
Top
Subj: Sack
Of Chickens (S313)
From: szalay on 1/30/2003
Two Mississippians are walking
toward each other, and one
is carrying a sack. When
they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy
Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"
"Jes' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they
is, kin I have one?"
"Shoot, if ya guesses right,
I'll give you both of 'em!"
"OK. Ummmmm...five?"
 |
Subj:
SWF Video “The Redneck Game” (S370)
From: Grampsboyd on 2/28/2004 At: http://www.shockhaber.com/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.htm |
Top
Subj: Redneck
Photos (S308)
From: flovilla on 12/7/2002
Thanks Janice, these fifteen
redneck photos are great. I
can picture myself trying at
least half of them. On my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.
These pictures are too good to
miss.
Top
Subj: Klan
And Blacks Agree
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 7/22/01
In an August meeting at a Tampa,
Fla. church, representatives
of the Union of Independent
[Ku Klux] Klansmen and the
all-black Pan-African Inter-National
Movement vowed to work
together to create an independent
African nation for African-
Americans. The groups
agree that integration in the U. S.
is impractical and that relocation
payments should be made
to African-Americans as restitution
for historical oppression.
[St. Petersburg Times, Aug93]
(393)
Top
Subj: Elmer
Goes A Courting (S113, S610)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #295 on 3/24/99
Pappy sees Elmer walking with
a lantern and asks, "Where ya
going boy ?"
The son smiled and replied,
"I'm a-going courting
Peggy-Sue."
The Father said, "When I went
a-courtin', I didn't need me
no dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said.
"And look what you got!"
Top
Subj: Three
biggest Lies By A Redneck Male (S113, S352)
1. No, I really have a diploma.
2. No, she's not my cousin.
3. Honest officer I was only
trying to help
the sheep over
the fence.
If an infinite number of rednecks
riding in an infinite
number of pickup trucks fire
an infinite number of shot-
gun rounds at an infinite number
of highway signs, they
will eventually produce all
the world's great literary
works in Braille. See
'Contest
of Theories' in THOUGHTS-SILLY.
From: RFSlick on 2/19/00 (S165)
Did you hear about the redneck
who passed away and left
his entire estate in trust for
his beloved widow? She
can't touch it till she's fourteen...
What's the difference between
a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock.
The redneck gets emotionally
involved.
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Oklahoma. If it was invented
anywhere else, it would have
been called a teethbrush.
Two Rednecks working on a cattle
farm, Junior and Bo...
Junior: "Gosh Bo, A'h can't
wait till we start the cattle
drive..."
Bo: "Yep, out on the range...
Jest you an me an dem cows."
Junior: "uh-hu... and wait till
we take'em cross the
river... Imagine
it!"
Bo: "Yep, You an'me guidin'
dem cows cross the river,
keepin'em safe..."
Junior: "Yeah, watchin'em all
come out of the river all
wet an shivering."
The teachers' strike in WV has
been settled: The dispute
was over sex education.
It has been agreed that sex
education will be taught on
Tuesdays and Thursdays. On
Monday, Wednesday and Friday,
drivers' ed. gets the car.
In most places, the day After
Christmas and the day after
Thanksgiving are the busiest
shopping days... but not in
Arkansas.... Their's is
what ever time K-mart has their
"Whites" sale...
If you see a sign that says "Say
NO to Crack" and it
reminds you to pull up your
pants, you might be a redneck.
You might be a redneck If...you
pee into the wind and
enjoy it!
From: humorlist-digest V2 #37 on 98-02-07
I married a moonshiner's daughter
and I love her still.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
Smith ? Wesson: The original
point and click interface.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/23/2001
(S238)
"If your family tree does not
fork, you might be a redneck."
-- Jeff Foxworthy
From: dogbyte on 4/13/2002 (S272c)
If a hillbilly woman divorces
her husband,....
is he still her brother?
Q: What do you call the layer
of sweat between
two rednecks having
sex?
A: Relative Humidity.
Q: What's the first thing a redneck
does when
his pick-up truck
breaks down?
A: Builds a house!
Q: How do you castrate a hill
billy?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw!
Q: Where do redneck meet chicks?
A: At family barbecues of course.
Q: Why do True RedNecks Wear
Button Fly Jeans?
A: Because sheep can hear zippers!!
Q: What do u get when u cross
a pit-bull with a red neck?
A: An all-white neighbourhood
Q: How did the two redneck blondes
drown in a pickup?
A: They were riding in the open
back when the truck went
into a pond.
They couldn't get the tailgate down!
Q: What do they call "Hee Haw"
in Oklahoma?
A: A documentary.
Q: What do they call it in Kentucky?
A: 'Life Styles Of The Rich
And Famous'
Q: What's a level headed RedNeck?
A: One with sh*t coming out
BOTH ears.
Q: Why are there no fly swatters
in Kentucky?
A: It's against the law to kill
the State Bird.
Q: How do you get 12 RedNecks
in phone booth?
A: Tell 'em it's free phone
sex.
A: Tell 'em Hulk Hogan is calling.
Q: How do you get 12 RedNecks
out of a phone booth?
A: Toss in a bar of soap.
A: Throw in a copy of GQ.
Q: How do you get them Back in
AGAIN?
A: Toss a plug inside.
A: Tell 'em Hulk Hogan is calling
back.
Q: How does a `Real Man' know
whenever
his girlfriend
is having an orgasm?
A: A `Real Man' doesn't care.
Q: What do you call a RedNeck
with a third grade education?
A: Perfessor
Q: What's the difference between
a good ol' boy
and a redneck?
A: The good ol' boy raises livestock.
The redneck gets
emotionally involved.
Q: Why don't they teach sex education
to rednecks?
A: The farm animals can't handle
it.
Q: Why do Rednecks `do it' doggie-style?
A: So the guy closes his eyes
he can pretend
it's `Bessy' (Daddy's
cow)
Q: What do hillbillys do on Halloween?
A: PUMP-KIN!!!
Q: What's the one thing most
rednecks say, just before dying?
A: "Hey y'all. Watch this."
From: humorlist-digest V2 #34 on 98-02-04
Q: What has three teeth and
sixty feet?
A: The front row at a Willy
Nelson concert.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-10
Q: What do a tornado and a redneck
divorce have in common?
A: Sooner or later, someones
bound to lose a trailer.
From: scott_pryor on 99-02-21
Q: How can a redneck trailer-tramp
tell when
her daughter is
having a period?
A: Her son's dick tastes funny.
Q: What did the redneck trailer-tramp
say
to her lover after
sex?
A: Down boy.
From: KMacinty on 8/24/99 (S134)
Q: Why do driver education classes
in redneck schools use
the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesdays and Thursdays,
the Sex Ed class
uses it.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/18/2001
(S224)
Q: How can you tell you are
staying in a redneck hotel?
A: When you call down to the
front desk on the telephone
and say, "I have
a leak in the sink!" The desk clerk
says, "Go ahead!"
From: dogbyte on 12/27/2001 (S256)
Q: What does a 12 year old hillbilly
girl say when
she's losing her
virginity?
A: "Get off me, dad! You're
crushing my cigarettes!"
Q: What is the definition of
a hillbilly virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who
can outrun her brothers.
Q: What's the difference between
trash and white trash?
A: Absolutely nothing.
They both drive around in dump
trucks, smell like
shit, and get more and more rotten
each day.
From: dogbyte on 8/11/2002 (S289b)
Q: What does it mean when a
girl in West Virginia has
cum running out
of both sides of her mouth?
A: The trailer is level!
\\\//
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 |
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