Subj: Southern Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 69 jokes and articles)
Cannon from
Animation Factory
| >>>
Subj: Southern Jokes (Gz) (Includes 69 jokes and articles) |
|
Cannon from Animation Factory |
Also see ARKANSAS
- (See whole file)
BIRD-DUCKS - 'Cock
Fighting In Louisiana'
CLOTHING file- 'Recipe
for washing clothes'
......................-
'Two
Cajuns Buy Cloths In Texas'
COWS-SHEEP - 'Reporter
In A Small Town'
FARMER2 file - 'Rural
Wisdom'
LAWYER1 file - 'The
Lawyer Wins One......'
HORSE file - 'Cajun
Buys Dead Donkey'
HUNTING-CAMP - 'Deer
Hunter Has Stroke'
MATH1 file - 'Cajun
Math Test'
NEW YORKER - 'New
Yorkers And Their Cell Phones'
OTHER-OCCUP - 'Photographer's
Test In Florida'
REDNECK2 file- 'Things
You WON'T Hear A Redneck Say...'
......................-..(See
whole file)
REDNECK3 file- 'Redneck
Engineering Exam'
......................-
'Redneck
Navitity Scene'
RELIGION2 - 'Old
Store Owner Quotes Scriptures'
......................-
'Ten
Commandments In Cajun'
SANTA file - 'Memo
From Santa Claus'
SOLDIERS1 - 'LBJ
Requests Two Lieutenants'
TRAIN file - 'Elderly
Father Rides Train In South'
TEAR JERKER1 - 'Everybody
Has A Dream'
YOU KNOW Y'RE- 'You
Know You're A Native Noo Awleanian If:'
============================================================Top
| Subj:
The Yankee or Dixie Quiz (S591)
From: ft.apache on 5/12/2008 Dixie flag
from SaveOurDixie...
|
 |
Take this twenty question quiz
on the different American
dialects and you will learn
how southern is your speech.
You can take the quiz at the
above source, or on my web
site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Democrat,
Republican, or Southern Republican (S475)
From: DoctorDebt on 2/16/2006
Are you a Democrat, Republican or ....a Southern Republican ?
Here is a little test that will help you decide........
Question:
You're walking down a deserted
street with your wife and two
small children. Suddenly,
an Islamic Terrorist with a huge
knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes on you, screams
obscenities, praises Allah,
raises the knife, and charges.
You are carrying a Glock 40,
and you are an expert shot. You
have mere seconds before he
reaches you and your family. What
do you do?
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information
to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to
him that would inspire him to
attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun
like a club and knock the knife
out of his hand?
What does the law say about
this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate
safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun
anyway, and what kind of message
does this send
to society and to my children?
Is it possible he would be happy
with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill
me, or would he be content just
to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees
and hold on, could my family get
away while he was
stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have
a paint and weed
day and make this a happier, healthier
street that would
discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!!
I need to debate this with some
friends for few
days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer:
......BANG!
Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.....(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click
Daughter:
"Nice grouping, Daddy! Were
those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
\\\//
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Subj: Boudreaux
And Band-Aids (S446b)
From: darrell94590 on 8/5/2005
(that's pronounced BOO-dro, for
y'all not familiar with Louisiana)
Boudreaux staggered home very
late after another evening with his
drinking buddy, Thibodeaux.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking
his wife, Clotile. He
tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the
stairs leading to their upstairs
bedroom, but misjudged the bottom
step. As he caught himself
by grabbing the banister, his body
swung around and he landed heavily
on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back
pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful. Managing
not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up,
pulled down his pants, and looked
in the hall mirror to see that
his butt cheeks were cut and
bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a
full box of Band-Aids and began
putting a Band-Aid as best he
could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty
box and shuffled and stumbled
his way to bed. In the
morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing
pain in both his head and butt
and Clotile staring at him from
across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"
Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"
"Well," Clotile said, "it could
be the open front door, it could
be the broken glass at the bottom
of the stairs, it could be the
drops of blood trailing through
the house, it could be your blood-
shot eyes, but mostly......
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the
downstairs mirror.
\\\//
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Subj: Southern
Talk (DU)
From: lljknt on 3/4/2003
Someone once noted that a Southerner
can get away with the
most awful kind of insult just
as long as it's prefaced
with the words, "Bless her heart"
or "Bless his heart."
As in, "Bless his heart, if
they put his brain on the head
of a pin, it'd roll around like
a BB on a six lane highway."
Or, "Bless her heart, she's
so bucktoothed, she could eat
an apple through a picket fence."
There are also the sneakier ones
that I remember from tongue
clucking types of my childhood:
"You know, it's amazing that
even though she had that baby
7 months after they got married,
bless her heart, it weighed
10 pounds!" "The first one is
usually premature, but all the
rest take nine months to get
here".
As long as the heart is sufficiently
blessed, the insult
can't be all that bad, at least
that's what my Great Aunt
Tiny (bless her heart, she was
anything but tiny) used to
say. I was thinking about
this the other day when a friend
was telling me about her new
Northern friend who was upset
because her toddler is just
beginning to talk and he has a
Southern accent. My friend,
who is very kind and, bless
her heart, cannot do a thing
about those thighs of hers, was
justifiably miffed about this.
After all, this woman had
CHOSEN to move to the South
a couple of years ago. "Can you
believe it?" said my friend.
"A child of mine is going to
be taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss."
Now, don't get me wrong.
Some of my dearest friends are
from the North, bless their
hearts. I welcome their
perspective, their friendships
and their recipes for
authentic Northern Italian food.
I've even gotten past
their endless complaints that
you can't find good bagels
down here.
The ones who really gore my ox
are the native Southerners
who have begun to act almost
embarrassed about their speech.
It's as if they want to bury
it in the "Hee Haw" cornfield.
We've already lost too much!
I was raised to swanee, not
swear, but you hardly ever hear
anyone say that anymore, I
swanee you don't. And
I've caught myself thinking twice
before saying something is "right
much"; "right close" or
"right good" because non-natives
think this is right funny
indeed.
I have a friend from Bawston
who thinks it's hilarious
when I say I've got to "carry"
my daughter to the doctor
or "cut off" the light. She
also gets a giggle every time
I am "fixin to do somethin."
My personal favorite was
uttered by my aunt who said,
"Bless her heart, she can't
help being ugly, but she could've
stayed home."
To those of you who're still
a little embarrassed by your
Southernness: Take two
tent revivals and a dose of redeye
gravy and call me in morning.
Bless your heart!
And to those of you who are still
having a hard time
understanding all this Southern
stuff, bless your hearts,
I hear they are fixin to have
classes on Southernese as a
second language!
Bye Bye Y'all! Bless your hearts.
\\\//
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Subj: Two
Southern Ladies Talk (S237, DU)
From: thebartend on 8/16/2001
Two delicate flowers of Southern
womanhood, one from Georgia,
the other from Alabama, were
conversing on the porch swing
of a large white pillared mansion.
The Georgia peach said, "When
my first child was born, my
husband built this beautiful
mansion for me."
The lady from Alabama commented. "Well, isn't that nice??"
The first woman continued, "When
my second child was born,
my husband bought me that fine
Cadillac you see parked in
the drive. "Again, the
belle from Alabama commented, "Well,
isn't that nice??"
The first woman boasted, "Then,
when my third child was
born, my husband bought me this
exquisite diamond bracelet.
Yet again, the second of the
ladies commented, Well, isn't
that nice??"
The first woman then asked her
companion, "What did your
husband buy for you when you
had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm
school," declared the Alabama
belle.
"Charm school, the first woman
cried, "Land sakes," child,
what on Earth for?""
The Alabamian responded, "So
that instead of saying "Who
gives a shit?" I learned to
say, "Well, isn't that nice?"
\\\//
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Subj: Man
Jumping From A Bridge (S177, DU)
From: collins2 on 6/18/00
A farmer in his pickup truck
in Alabama was driving across a
bridge when he noticed a man
standing on the rail of the bridge
ready to jump to his death in
the river below. The man stopped
his truck ran up to the man
and said, "Hey fellow, why are you
doing this?" The man replied,
"Well, I have nothing to live for."
The Alabama man replied, "Well,
think of your wife and
children!" The jumper replied,
"I have no wife or children."
The Alabama man then said, "Well,
then think of your mother
and father!"
The man replied, "Mom and Dad passed on many years back."
The Alabama man then said, "Well, think of General Robert E. Lee!"
The would-be jumper replied, "Who?"
With that the Alabama man said,
"Jump, you stupid Yankee,
jump!"
\\\//
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Subj: A Flood
In Louisiana (S168, DU)
From: mbucher on 4/16/00
One night, a torrential rain
soaked South Louisiana; the next
morning the resulting floodwaters
came up about 6 feet into
most of the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on
her roof with her neighbor, Mrs.
Thibodaux, waiting for help
to come.
Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone
baseball cap floating near the
house. Then she saw it
float far out into the front yard,
then float all the way back
to the house; it kept floating
away from the house, then back
in.
Her curiosity got the best of
her, so she asked Mrs.
Boudreaux, "Do you see that
baseball cap floating away from
the house, then back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes,
that's my husband; I told him he
was going to cut the grass today
come Hell or high water!"
\\\//
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Subj: What's
Y'All's Sign? (S150, DU)
From: KMacinty on 12/15/1999
WHAT'S Y'ALL'S SIGN?
It has become pretty obvious
to us Southerners that our present
astrological signs have served
their purpose and that we should
get rid of them. When
I'm out driving around I'll see bulls,
and once in a great while I
suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the
street from me there's some
twins, but I don't see them much.
The rest of these things are
just too obscure. You only see
crabs on vacation. There
are no lions or scorpions, not many
archers and no water bearers.
THE NEW SIGNS
OKRA (DEC 22 - JAN 20)
Although you appear crude, you
are actually very slick on the
inside. Okra have tremendous
influence. An older Okra can
look back over his life and
see the seeds of his influence
everywhere. Stay away from Moon
Pies.
CHITLIN (JAN 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins often come from humble
backgrounds. Many times they
are uncomfortable talking about
just where they came from. A
chitlin, however, can make something
of himself if he's
motivated and has plenty of
seasoning. When it comes to
dealing with Chitlins, be very
careful. Chitlins are best
with Catfish and Okra. Remember
that when marriage time rolls
around.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity.
You're unsatisfied with
the surface of things, and you
feel the need to bore deep
into the interior of everything.
Needless to say, you are
very intense and driven as if
you had some inner hunger.
Nobody in their right mind is
going to marry you, so don't
worry about it.
MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
You're the type that spends
a lot of time on the front porch.
It's a cinch to recognize the
physical appearance of Moon Pies.
"Big" and "round" are the key
words here. You should marry
anybody who you can get remotely
interested in the idea. It's
not going to be easy.
This might be the year to think about
aerobics. Maybe not.
POSSUM (Apr 21 - MAY 21)
When confronted with life's
difficulties, possums have a
marked tendency to withdraw
and develop a "don't -- bother --
me -- about -- it" attitude.
Sometimes you become so with-
drawn, people actually think
you're dead. This strategy is
probably not psychologically
healthy, but seems to work for
you. One day, however,
it won't work, and you may find your
problems actually running you
over.
CRAWFISH (MAY 22 - Jun 21)
Crawfish is a water sign.
If you work in an office, you're
always hanging around the water
cooler. Crawfish prefer the
beach to the mountains, the
pool to the golf course, the
bathtub to the living room.
You tend not to be particularly
attractive physically.
COLLARDS (Jun 22 - JUL 23)
Collards have a genius for communication.
They love to get
in the "melting pot" of life
and share their essence with
the essences of those around
them. Collards make good social
workers, psychologists, and
baseball
managers. As far as
your personal life goes, if
you are Collards stay away from
Moon Pies. It just won't work.
Save yourself a lot of
heartache.
CATFISH (Jul 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists
in matters of the heart, with
one exception: Whiskers may
cause problems for loved ones.
You catfish are never easy people
to understand. You
prefer the muddy bottoms to
the clear surface of life.
Above all else, Catfish should
stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sep 23)
Your highest aim is to be with
others like yourself. You
like to huddle together with
a big crowd of other Grits.
You love to travel, though,
so maybe you should think about
joining a club. Where
do you like to go? Anywhere they
have cheese or gravy or bacon
or butter or eggs. If you
can go somewhere where they
have all these things, that
serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sep 24 - Oct
23)
You have a passionate desire
to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know
you best -- your friends and
loved ones -- may find that
your personality is much too
salty, and their criticism will
probably affect you deeply
because you are really much
softer than you appear. You
should go right ahead and marry
anybody you want to because
in a certain way, yours is a
charmed life. On the road of
life, you can be sure that people
will always pull over and
stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean
because Butter Beans get along
well with everybody. You,
as a Butter Bean, should be proud.
You've grown on the vine of
life and you feel at home no
matter what the setting.
You can sit next to anybody. However,
you, too, shouldn't have anything
to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - DEC 21)
You have a tendency to develop
a tough exterior, but you are
actually quite gentle.
A good evening for you? Old friends,
a fire, some roots, fruit, worms
and insects. You are a
throwback. You're not
concerned with today's fashions and
trends. You're not concerned
with anything about today. You
are really almost prehistoric
in your interests and behavior
patterns. You probably
want to marry another Armadillo, but
Possum is another mating possibility.
\\\//
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Subj: Billy
Bob Dies (S143, S429)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 10/27/1999
and
From: LABLaughsClean on 4/19/2005
A woman from the deepest, most
southern part of Alabama goes
into the local newspaper office
to see that the obituary for
her recently deceased husband
is written. The obit editor
informs her that the fee for
the obituary is a dollar per word.
She pauses, reflects and then
says, "Well, then, let it read,
'Billy Bob died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift,
the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there
is a seven word minimum on all
obituaries."
A little flustered, she thinks
things over and replies, "In
that case, let it read, 'Billy
Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale'."
\\\//
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Subj: Windows
Patch For Alabama (S403)
From: DafterLafter on 6/22/2004
At: http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200406/006.htm
 |
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Subj: Taxidermist
In Alabama Bar (S230, DU)
From: JOELFALLON on 99-01-28
and
From: thebartend on 6/21/2001
A guy walks into a bar down in
Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised,the bartender looks
around and says "You ain't from
around here... where you from,
boy?".
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...
what the hell is a
taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts
to the whole bar, "It's
OK boys, he's one of us.
\\\//
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Subj: Alabama
Medical Directory (DU)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #303 on 98-12-31
Benign................What you
be after you be eight.
Artery................The study
of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door
to cafeteria.
Barium................What family
do when kinfolk die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood
in Rome.
Catscan...............Searching
for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye
contact with her.
Coma..................A punctuation
mark.
D and C...............Where
Washington is.
Dilate................To live
long.
Enema.................Not a
friend.
Fibula................A small
lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish
person.
Hangnail..............What you
hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished,
well known.
Labor Pain............Getting
hurt at work.
Morbid................A higher
offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper
than day rates.
Pap Smear.............A fatherhood
test.
Rectum................Darn near
killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding
something.
Seizure...............Roman
emperor.
Tablet................A small
table.
Terminal Illness......Getting
sick at the airport.
Tumor.................More than
one.
Urine.................Opposite
of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close
by.
\\\//
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Subj: Man
Saves Boy And Kills Dog (S190, S482)
From: RFSlick on 98-06-21
and
From: jbcary1 on 4/24/2006
In Mobile, Alabama, it seems
a guy was riding down the street
when he noticed a dog attacking
a little boy. He jumped out
of his car, pulled the dog off
and strangled it barehanded.
The local newspaper editor saw
it all, and rushed over to the
man. "Wow, what a brave thing,
tomorrow's headline will read
'Local Man Saves Boy's Life'"
he says.
The man said, "Well, I'm not from Mobile."
The editor thought and said,
"OK, how about 'Alabama Man
Does Heroic Deed'"?
"Thanks, but actually I'm from
Illinois, down here on business,"
the man said.
The headline the next day read "Yankee Barbarian Kills Family Pet."
\\\//
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Subj: The
North Vs The South (S440)
From: CKButch4Femme on 6/28/2005
If you are from the northern
states and planning on visiting
or moving to the South, there
are a few things you should
know that will help you adapt
to the difference in lifestyles:
The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses
The North has dating services,
The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.
The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens
The North has lobsters, The
South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt..
In the South: -- If you
run your car into a ditch, don't
panic. Four men in a four-wheel
drive pickup truck with a
tow chain will be along shortly.
Don't try to help them,
just stay out of their way.
This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie
rentals and bait in the
same store....do not buy food
at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular,
"all y'all" is plural, and
"all y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
Save all manner of bacon grease.
You will be instructed
later on how to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding
what people are saying.
They can't understand you either.
The first Southern state-
ment to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is
the adjective "big'ol," truck
or "big'ol" boy. Most Norther-
ners begin their Southern-influenced
dialect this way. All
of them are in denial about
it.
The proper pronunciation you
learned in school is no longer
proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim,
"Hey, y'all, watch this,"
you should stay out of the way.
These are likely to be the
last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of
the slightest chance of even
the smallest accumulation of
snow, your presence is required
at the local grocery store.
It doesn't matter whether you
need anything or not.
You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that
10-year-olds own their own
shotguns, they are proficient
marksmen, and their mammas
taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that
the best way to grow a lush
green lawn is to pour gravel
on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South
and bear children, don't think
we will accept them as Southerners.
After all, if the cat
had kittens in the oven, we
wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
God Bless !
\\\//
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Subj: You
know you are a Yankee IF... (S86, DU)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #107 on 98-05-02
and
From: Imogenelumen on 10/31/2003
1) You think barbecue is a verb
meaning "to cook outside."
2) You think Heinz Ketchup
is SPICY!
3) You don't have any problems
pronouncing
"Worcestershire
sauce" correctly.
4) For breakfast, you would
prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5) You don't know what a moon
pie is.
6) You've never had grain alcohol.
7) You've never, ever, eaten
Okra.
8) You eat fried chicken with
a knife and fork.
9) You've never seen a live
chicken, and the only cows
you've seen
are on road trips.
10) You have no idea what a
polecat is.
11) Whenever someone tells an
off-color joke about farm
animals,
it goes over your head.
12) You don't see anything wrong
with putting a sweater
on a poodle.
13) You don't have bangs.
14) You would rather vacation
at Martha's Vineyard than
Six Flags.
15) More than two generations
of your family have been
kicked out
of the same prep school in Connecticut.
16) You would rather have your
son become a lawyer
than grow
up to get his own TV fishing show.
17) Instead of referring to
two or more people as "y'all,"
you call
them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
18) You don't think Howard Stern
has an accent.
19) You have never planned your
summer vacation
around a
gun-and-knife show.
20) You think more money should
go to important scientific
research
at your university than to pay the salary of
the head
football coach.
21) You don't have at least
one can of WD-40 somewhere
around the
house.
22) The last time you smiled
was when you prevented
someone from
getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
23) You don't have any hats
in your closet that advertise
feed stores.
24) The farthest south you've
ever been is
the perfume
counter at Neiman Marcus.
25) You call binoculars opera
glasses.
26) You can't spit out the car
window without
pulling over
to the side of the road and stopping.
27) You would never wear pink
or an applique sweatshirt.
28) You don't know what applique
is.
29) Most of your formative high
school sexual experiences
took place
within the context of a football game.
30) You don't know anyone with
two first names
(i.e. Joe
Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
31) You don't have doilies,
and you certainly don't know
how to make
one.
32) You've never been to a craft
show.
33) You get freaked out when
people on the subway talk to you.
34) You can't do your laundry
without quarters.
35) None of your fur coats are
homemade.
\\\//
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Subj: Things
A True Southerner Knows (S227, S497c)
From: flovilla on 5/28/2001
and
From: LABLaughsClean on 7/31/2006
The difference between a hissie
fit and a conniption fit.
Pretty much how many fish make
up a mess.
What general direction cattywumpus
is.
That "gimme sugar" don't mean
pass the sugar.
When somebody's "fixin" to do
something, it won't be long.
How long "directly is" - As
in "Going to town; be back directly."
The difference between Yankee's
and damn Yankee's.
How good a cold grape Nehi and
cheese crackers
are at a country
store.
Knows what, "Well I Suwannee
!!" means.
Ain't nobody's biscuits like
Grandma's biscuits !!
A good dog is worth its weight
in gold.
Real gravy don't come from the
store.
The War of Northern Aggression
was over
state rights, not
slavery.
When "by and by" is.
The difference between "pert'
near" and "a right far piece".
Never to go snipe hunting twice.
At one point learned what happens
when you swallow
tobacco juice.
Never to assume that the other
car with the flashing turn
signal is actually
going to make a turn.
You may wear long sleeves, but
you should always
roll 'em up past
the elbows.
You should never loan your tools,
pick-up, or gun to nobody.
The South is more American than
America
Rocking chairs and swings are
guaranteed stress relievers.
Rocking chairs and swings with
an old person in them are
history lessons.
GOD BLESSED DIXIE !!!!
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Subj: Rules
In The South (DU)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #93 on 98-04-15
and saved as
Subj: Tips
For Northerners Moving South (S107)
From: collins2 on 99-02-13
1. Save all manner of
bacon grease. If it can't be fried in
bacon
grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
2. Just because one can
drive on snow and ice does not mean
we
can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your
car into a ditch, don't panic. Four
men
in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of
beer
and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try
to
help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what
they
live for.
4. Don't be surprised
to find movie rentals and bait in
the
same store.
5. Do not buy food at the movie store.
6. Remember: "Y'all"
is singular. "All y'all" is plural.
"All
y'all's" is plural possessive.
7. There is nothing sillier
than a northerner imitating a
Southern
accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a
Boston
accent.
8. People walk slower here.
9. Don't be worried that
you don't understand anyone.
They
don't understand you either.
10. The first Southern
expression to creep into a trans-
planted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big
ol'",
as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-
five
percent begin their new southern influenced dialect
with
this expression. One hundred percent are in denial
about
it.
11. The proper pronunciation
you learned in school is no
longer
proper.
12. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
13. If attending a funeral
in the South: remember, we stay
until
the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent
is
torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner
exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch
this!"
stay out of his way. These are likely the last
words
he will ever say.
15. Most Southerners do
not use turn signals, and they
ignore
those who do. In fact, if you see a signal
blinking
on a car with a southern license plate, you
may
rest assured that it was on when the car was
purchased.
16. Northerners can be
identified by the spit on the
inside
of their car's windshield that comes from
yelling
at other drivers.
17. The winter wardrobe
you always brought out in September
can
wait until November.
18. If there is the prediction
of the slightest chance of
even
the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence
is
required at the local grocery store. It does not
matter
if you need anything from the store, it is
just
something you're supposed to do.
19. Satellite dishes are
very popular in the South. When
you
purchase one it is to be positioned directly in
front
of your trailer. This is logical bearing in
mind
that the dish cost considerably more than the
trailer
and should, therefore, be displayed.
20. Tornadoes and Southerners
going through a divorce
have
a lot in common. In either case, you know
someone
is going to lose a trailer.
21. Florida is not considered
a Southern state (except
Gainesville).
There are far more Yankees than
Southerners
living there.
22. As you are cursing
the person driving 15 mph in a
55
mph zone, directly in the middle of the road,
remember,
many folks learned to drive on a model of
vehicle
known as John Deere, and this is the proper
speed
and lane position for the vehicle.
23. You can ask a Southerner
for directions, but unless
you
already know the positions of key hills, trees
and
rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
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Subj: Southern
Lady Visits New York (DU)
From: ipkis on 97-07-01
Miss Annabell has just returned
from her big trip to New York
City and was having refreshments
on the front porch of her
daddy's mansion with her southern
bell friends. She tells
them the stories of her trip
as they stare spellbound.
"You just wouldn't believe what
they have there in New York
City," says Miss Annabell.
"They have men there who kiss
other men on the lips."
Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves
and say, "Oh my!
Oh my!"
"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.
"They also have women there in
New York City who kiss other
women on the lips!"
"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim
the girls. "What do they call
them?" they asked.
"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.
"They also have men who kiss
women between the legs, there
in New York City," sighs Miss
Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my! Oh
my," exclaim the girls as the sit on
the edge of their chairs and
fan themselves even faster.
"What do they call them?" they
ask in unison.
Miss Annabell leans forward and
says in a hush, "Why when
I caught my breath, I called
him 'Precious'!"
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Subj: Revenge
Of The New York Woman (S30, DU)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #178 on 97-08-22
A woman from Texas and a woman
from New York meet at a party.
The woman from Texas said to
the woman from New York, "Hi!
Where y'all from?" The
woman from New York replied, "Where I
come from we don't end our sentences
with prepositions..."
The Texas woman replied, "Fine! Where y'all from, BITCH?!"
A few minutes later, the New
Yorker met the Texas woman's
husband. Intent on getting
even with the sassy lass, she
asked, (in her most suggestive
voice) "Is there anything I
can do for you, handsome??"
"Welllll," replied the Texan, "I sure could use a piece of ass."
The New Yorker nodded and took
the Texan into a bedroom. She
removed her clothes and his
clothes, then engaged in a hot
session of mad passionate lovemaking
with him. After they are
done, she again asked suggestively,
"Now, handsome, is there
anything "else" I can do for
you?"
"Well, thank you, ma'am," he
replied. "I could still use that
piece of ass for my drink."
>>
(ice)
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Subj: Short
Southern Jokes
| Subj: Why We Don't Take
Grandpa To Mardi Gras (S482c)
From: darrell94590 on 4/21/2006 |
 |
Top
Subj: When
The End Of The World Comes (S425b)
From: DafterLafter on 2/24/2005
A senior at Alabama was overheard
saying ... "when the end
of the world comes, I hope to
be in Alabama." When asked
why, he replied he'd rather
be in Alabama because everything
happens in Alabama 20 years
later than in the rest of the
civilized world.
Top
Subj: Short
Southern Jokes (S294)
From: RFSlick on 9/19/2002
A North Carolina redneck passed
away and left his entire
estate in trust for his beloved
widow. She can't touch
it until she's fourteen.
Folks in Georgia now go to some
movies in groups of 18
or more. They were told 17 and
under are not admitted.
They have just raised the minimum
drinking age in Tennessee
to 32. It seems they want
to keep alcohol out of the
high schools.
In Mississippi reruns of Hee Haw are called documentaries.
How can you tell if a West Virginia
redneck is married?
There's dried snuff spit on
both sides of his pickup truck.
Tennessee has a new $3,000,000
State Lottery. The winner
gets $3 a year for a million
years.
Recently, the Governor's Mansion
in Little Rock, burned
down. In fact, it pert'near
took out the whole trailer
park.
A law recently changed in North
Carolina and now states:
When a couple gets divorced,
they're still brother and sister.
The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is I-40
An Alabama State Trooper stopped
a pickup truck. He asked
the driver, "Got any ID?" The
driver said, "Bout what?"
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #275 on 98-12-31
(S100)
What's the difference between
a Northern fairytale
and a Southern
fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins,
"Once upon a time..."
A Southern fairytale begins,
"'Y'all ain't gonna believe this
shit..."
From: igiggle on 3/8/2006 (S477b)
Not all southerners are slow.
Many of us are fast and
jittery. Gomer and Cooter
make you nervous? Wait until
you meet Twitchy. But
in the South, there are good reasons
to move a little slow.
It's hot. And we're armed. We've
killed before, we'll kill again.
We're tryin' not to kill
anyone today. -- Basil
White
From: KMacinty on 8/24/99 (S134)
Q: What do you call an Alabama
farmer with a sheep under
each arm?
A: A pimp.
Q: What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a
northern zoo?
A: A southern zoo has a description
of the animal
on the front of
the cage, along with a recipe.
\\\//
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 |
Smiley of the South from
Millan Net Gif Animations |