Subj: Dating1 Jokes (Gz-m2)
(Includes 56 jokes and articles)
He Loves Me Flower
from
Billy'S MovinG PictureS
| >>>
Subj: Dating1 Jokes (Gz-m2) (Includes 56 jokes and articles) |
|
He Loves Me Flower from Billy'S MovinG PictureS |
Also see APPLICATION - (See
whole file)
BANKING-SUPP - 'Inheriting
From Sickly Father'
BAR2 file - 'Woman
With Skin-Tight Pants In Bar'
BIRD-CHICKEN - 'City
Boy Buys Two Chickens And A Mule'
BLONDE1 file - 'Boyfriend
Is Buying Flowers'
BREASTS file - 'Finding
the Right Girl'
CARS2 file - 'Stripping
To Speed Up The Car'
......................-
'Guy
Gets Help During Car Sex'
CARS SUPP - 'Moving
To The Back Seat'
CHRISTMAS-SUP- 'An
Italian Christmas Date'
CHURCH-SUPP - 'Dating
A Sunday School Teacher'
CLOTHING file- 'Man
Buys Gloves For Woman'
CONDOM file - 'Being
Propositioned By Your Fianc?e’s Sister'
......................-
'Widow's
First Time'
......................-
'Young
Man Buys Some Condoms'
DIFFERENCES1 - 'Why
Men Will Never Win'
......................-
'The
Differences Between Men And Women'
......................-
'Relationships!'
DIFFERENCES2 - 'How
To Break Up With A Woman'
......................-
'Stages
Of Life'
......................-
'What
Men Want And What Women Want'
DIFFERENCES3 - 'He Said/ She
Said'
DOCTOR1 file - 'Doctor
Helps Couple's Sex Life'
DOCTOR-SUPP - 'Mother
Consults Doctor About Daughter Dating'
DRINKING - 'Lady
Prefers Sherry To Port'
ELDERLY2 - 'Grandfather
Explains Sex To Grandson'
ELDERLY2-SUPP- 'Senior Dating'
ELDERLY3 - '26
Signs You've Already Grown Up'
ENGLISHMAN - 'An
American In London'
FACTS4 file - 'Polish
Dating Agency'
FOOD_ETC2 - 'The
Bachelor Diet'
FUCK file - 'How
To Get Laid'
HANDICAPPED - 'Date's
Parents Are Deaf Mutes'
HARLEY file - 'Family
Dinner And The Harley'
HEADLINES-ADS- 'Finding
A Date In The Personal Column'
HOWTO file - 'How
To Pick Up Women'
JEWISH2 file - 'Two
Jewish Widows Discuss A Date'
.........JOBS3
file - 'Short
Human Relationship Training'
JOB-STUFF - 'Sales
Methods'
LISTS file - 'Top
10 Things You Never Say To A Woman During An Argument:'
LOVE file - 'Sitting
Close While You Drive'
.........MARRIAGE1
- 'Husban
Gets Peanut In His Ear'
MARRIAGE2 - 'I
Love Her, But.....'
......................-
'In
Love, In Lust, Or Married?'
MARRIAGE3 - 'Picking
A Wife'
MARRIAGE4 - 'I
Love Her, But...'
......................-
'The
Game Of Romance: How To Keep Score'
MEN2 file - 'Male-to-English
Dictionary'
......................-
'Rate
Yourself w/Women'
MEN4 file - 'Men's
Life Cycle'
MenQuestions - '5
Toughest Questions For Men'
MONKEY file - 'Couple
Visit Gorilla Cage'
PENIS1 file - 'Drug
Makes Your Dick Last'
PENIS2 file - 'Man
Dates With Little Dick'
PILOT file - 'Pierre
The Fighter Pilot'
......................-
'Pilot
Engaged To Two Ladies'
POETRY file - 'My First
Time'
.........POLICE2
file - 'Couple
Arrested During Sex'
PRIEST file - 'Priest
Hears Confession Of Amorous Man'
PUSSY file - 'Strangers
Have Sex On Beach'
QUOTES2 file - 'Great
Quotes Of Men, Women, And Relationships'
SCOTTIES file- 'A
Penny For Your Thoughts'
......................-
'The
Gleam In Your Eye'
SEX2 file - 'Boyfriend
Wants Blowjob'
SHIPS file - 'What's
Love'
SKING file - 'First
Date Sking'
SOLDIER2 file- 'Soldier
At Front Gets 'Dear John' Letter'
THOUGHTS-LND1- 'Rules
To Live By' (in NonJokes)
WAITER-WAITRS- 'Man
Wants To Date Waitress'
WEDDING file - 'Mail Order Groom'
WOMEN1 file - 'In
Praise Of Older Women'
WOMEN2 file - 'What
I Want In A Man II'
......................-
'A
Guide To Love For Today's Young Women'
WOMEN3 file - 'Woman's Dictionary'
============================================================Top
| Subj:
Everyone Likes To Watch (S455 in Movies)
From: darrell94590 on 10/12/2005 |
 |
Joe met a nice girl who worked
for at carnival. They
quickly became attracted to
each other, and she invited
Joe to her house.
When he got there, he noticed
a few strange things. First,
he noticed that her hallway
was filled with those "funny
mirrors" that make you look
tall and skinny, or short and
fat.
He also noticed that her bedroom
had many shelves of fluffy
toys.
That was the last thing he noticed
before she threw him on
the bed. He screwed the
ever-lovin' daylights out of her,
and when he was done, he asked,
"So,... how was it?"
And she said, "You can have anything
from the bottom shelf,
unless you want to try again
and win something from the
middle shelf!"
\\\//
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Subj: Dates
Toes Curl During Sex (S120, S467)
From: thebartend on 5/19/99 and 12/26/2005
(Also see 'Elderly
Couple In Old Folk's Home Have Sex' in Elderly1)
Nujie and Lorne met in a night
club one night and dance the
night away. They hit it
off pretty well and soon Lorne
suggested they go to his apartment
for some extracurricular
activity.
Well it wasn't long before they
found themselves in bed
making passionate love.
As they were making love though,
Lorne noticed something strange.
Nujie's toes would curl
up during every lovemaking session.
When they were done, they laid
back on the bed and relaxed
against the pillows. Lorne,
being impressed with himself
said, "I must have been pretty
good tonight. I noticed
your toes curling up every time
we made love.
Nujie looked at him and smiled.
"That usually happens when
someone forgets to remove my
pantyhose."
\\\//
-(o o)-
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Subj: Michael
Goes On A Blind Date (S119)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #300 on 5/15/99
Joe sets up Michael to go on
a blind date with a friend of
his. But Michael is a little
worried about going out with
someone he's never seen before.
"What do I do if she's
ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck
with her all night."
"Don't worry," Joe says, "just
go up to her door and meet
her first. If you like
what you see then everything goes
as planned. If you don't
just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and
fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Mike knocks at
the girl's door and when
she comes out he is awestruck
at how beautiful and sexy
she is. He's about to
speak when the girl suddenly
shouts, "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
\\\//
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Subj: Man
Describes Date As A Rose (S183)
From: thebartend on 4/14/99
A Man took a Lady out to dinner
for the first time. Later
they went to a show. The
evening was a huge success and
as he dropped her at the door
he said "I Had a lovely
time. You looked so beautiful,
you remind me of a beautiful
rambling rose. May I call
on you tomorrow?". She agreed and
the date was made.
The next night he knocked on
her door and when she opened
it she slapped him hard across
the face. He was stunned
"What was that for?" he asked.
She said: "I looked up rambling
rose in the encyclopaedia
last night and it said, 'Not
well suited to bedding, but
is excellent for rooting up
against a garden wall'"
\\\//
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Subj: A Guy
And Girl On Their First Date (S92, S425b)
From: RFSlick on 98-09-22
A guy has been asking the prettiest
girl in town for a date
and finally she agrees to go
out with him. He takes her to
a nice restaurant, buys her
a fancy dinner with expensive
wine and on the way home he
pulls over to the side of the
road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's
getting pretty excited.
He starts to reach under her skirt
and she stops him, saying she's
a virgin and wants to stay
that way.
"Well, OK," he says, "how about
a blow job?" "EEEyyyeewww!"
she screams. "I'm not putting
that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says.
"What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember
when you were a kid and you
used to shake up a Coke bottle
and spray your brother with
it?" She nods.
"Well, it's just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs
hold of it and starts
shaking it. A few seconds
later, his head flops back on
the headrest, his eyes close,
snot starts to run out of his
nose, wax blows out of his ear
and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"
\\\//
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Subj: Before
And After You Fall In Love (S78)
From: icohen on 98-07-25
Here are a few examples:
b- you take my breath away
a- I feel like I'm suffocating
b- twice a night
a- twice a month
b- she says she loves the way
I take control of a situation
a- she called me a controlling,
manipulative, egomaniac
b- Lucy and Ricky
a- Fred and Ethyl
b- saturday night fever
a- monday night football
b- he makes me feel like a millon
dollars
a- if I had a dime for every
stupid thing he's done...
b- don't stop
a- don't start
b- the sound of music
a- the sounds of silence
b- is that all you're having?
a- maybe you should have just
a salad, honey
b- wheel of fortune
a- jeopardy
b- its like I'm living in a dream
a- its like he lives in a dorm
b- $60/doz.
a- $1.50/stem
b- turbo charged
a- jump start
b- we agree on everything
a- doesn't she have a mind of
her own?
b- victoria secret
a- fruit of the loom
b- charming and noble
a- chernobyl
b- feathers and handcuffs
a- ball and chain
b- idol
a- idle
b- I love a woman with curves
a- I never said you were fat
b- he's completely lost without
me
a- why won't he ever ask for
directions?
b- time stood still
a- this relationship is going
nowhere
b- croissant and cappuccino
a- bagel and instant
b- blind
a- nearsighted
b- you look so seductive in black
a- your clothes are so depressing
b- iambic pentameter
a- blank verse
b- oysters
a- fishsticks
b- I can hardly believe we found
each other
a- I can't believe I ended up
with someone like you
b- passion
a- ration
b- once upon a time
a- the end
\\\//
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Subj: Saying
'I Love You' (S76)
From: ossama on 98-07-15
A friend was complaining that
her boyfriend would not say
"I love you," even if explicitly
asked to do so. The only
exception, she said, was when
they were in fact in the act
of making love. Then,
if asked, he would say the sacred
words.
I suggested that she should not
take too much comfort in the
exception. When making
love, I explained, men will say
anything.
"He'd tell you he's the Easter
Bunny if that's what he
thinks you want to hear," I
told her. The conversation
rattled on from there.
A couple of weeks later, she related the following.
"We were in bed, making love.
I said, 'Tell me you love
me.' He said, 'I love
you.' I said 'Tell me you're the
Easter Bunny.' He stopped
for a second, and said, 'I'm
the Easter Bunny.' So
I slapped him."
The poor guy probably still doesn't know what happened.
\\\//
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Subj: 25 Corny
Pick-Up Lines (S292)
From: Puneet385 on 9/3/2002
Can I buy you a drink, or do
you just want the money.
I may not be Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make your
bed rock.
Do you believe in love at first
sight, or should I
walk by again?
Hi, my name is {name}, how do
you like me so far?
Your body's name must be Visa,
because it's everywhere
I want to be.
I may not be the best looking
guy here, but I'm the
only one talking
to you.
Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen,
I'll be your Burger King,
you treat me right,
and I'll do it your way.
Excuse me, do you have your
phone number, I seem to have
lost mine.
I can't find my puppy, can you
help me find him? I think
he went into this
cheap motel room.
I'm new in town, could I have
directions to your house.
If you were a new hamburger
at McDonald's, you would be
McGorgeous.
Let's do breakfast tomorrow.
Should I call you or nudge you?
If I could rewrite the alphabet,
I would put U and I together.
There must be something wrong
with my eyes, I can't take
them off you.
Do you have a map? I just
keep on getting lost in your eyes.
You might not be the best looking
girl here, but beauty is
only a light switch
away.
That's a nice shirt. Can I talk
you out of it?
Are you from Tennessee? Because
you're the only ten I see!
Was your father a thief?
'Cause someone stole the stars
from the sky and
put them in your eyes.
Your daddy must have been a
baker, 'cause you've got a
nice set of buns.
Excuse me, but I DO think it's
time we met.
Shall we talk or continue flirting
from a distance?
Is it cold in here, or are you
just happy to see me.
Do you sleep on your stomach?
No. Can I?
Be unique and different, say
yes.
98pickuplines.com
Subj: 29 Pick
up lines that “may” work……. Use at your own risk !!!
From: jbcary1 on 7/1/2005 (S440b)
I wish you were a door so I could
slam you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on her
shirt)....Let's get you out
of these wet clothes.
Nice legs...what time do they
open?
Do you work for UPS? I
thought I saw you checking out my
package.
You've got 206 bones in your
body, want one more?
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking
for a Big Breasted
Bed Thrasher, have
you seen one?
I'm fighting the urge to make
you the happiest woman on
earth tonight.
Wanna play army? I'll lay down
and you can blow the hell
outta me.
I wish you were a Pony Carousel
outside Superdrug, so I
could ride you
all day long for a quarter.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that
was a Braille name tag.
I'd really like to see how you
look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in your stockings
or the stairway
to heaven?
You must be the limp doctor
because I've got a stiffy.
I'd walk a million miles for
one of your smiles, and even
farther for that
thing you do with your tongue.
If it's true that we are what
we eat, then I could be
you by morning.
You know, if I were you, I'd
have sex with me.
You, Me, Whipped cream, Handcuffs,…...
Any questions?
F@#! me if I'm wrong, but is
your name Helga Titsbottom?
Those clothes would look great
in a crumpled heap on my
bedroom floor.
My name is Austin ... remember
that, you'll be screaming
it later.
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said
you were looking for me.
My friend wants to know if YOU
think I'M cute."
Hi, the voices in my head told
me to come over and talk
to you.
My name isn't Elmo, but you
can tickle me anytime
you want to.
I know milk does a body good,
but DAMN, how much have
you been drinking?
If you were the last woman and
I was the last man on
earth, I bet we
could do it in public.
Wanna come over for some pizza
and sex? No? Why, don't
you like pizza?
Baby, I'm an American Express
lover...you shouldn't go
home without me.
Do you wash your pants in Windex
because I can see
myself in them.
\\\//
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 |
Subj:
How To Get Rid Of A One Night Stand (S593)
From: tom on 5/27/2008 |
You can view this unusual, but
cute movie on my site by
clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Pick-Up
Line Retorts (S76)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #171 on 98-07-10
(See 'How To Pick Up Women'
in HOWTO)
Man: "Haven't we
met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist
at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen
you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't
go there anymore."
Man: "Is this
seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will
be too if you sit down."
Man: "Your place
or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to
yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to
call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't
know your name!!"
Woman: "That's in the phone
book too."
Man: "So what
do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "What sign were
you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."
Man: "Hey, baby,
what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you
like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on,
we're both here at this bar
for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick
up some chicks!"
Man: "I'm here to
fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got
both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man: "I know how
to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me
alone."
Man: "I want to give
myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept
cheap gifts."
Man: "I can tell
that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're
so right. I want you to leave."
Man: "If I could
see you naked, I'd die happy"
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you
naked, I'd probably
die laughing."
Man: "Your body is
like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no
services today."
Man: "I'd go through
anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start
with your bank account."
Man: "I would go
to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay
there?"
From: KMacinty@cde.ca.gov on 6/1/99
Man: "So, wanna go back to my
place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know.
Will two people fit under a rock?"
Subj: Ways
To Turn Men Down
From: gheckman on 2/19/2002
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have
the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've
been looking for a
face like
yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon.
I've been looking for
a face like
yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date
once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never
make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so
beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your
share.
HE: Will you go out with me this
Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache
this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few
heads.
SHE: And your face must turn
a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask
me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you
very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked
you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and
laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already
have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my
life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place
before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't
go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will
be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a
living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services
today.
HE: If I could see you naked,
I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd
probably die laughing.
HE: Where have you been all my
life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest
of your life -
in
your wildest dreams.
\\\//
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Subj: Man
Catches Woman's Glass Eye (S71, S547)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #140 on 98-06-06
and
From: SCOTCOB on 7/7/2007
A man who lived in a block of
apartments thought it was
raining and put his head out
the window to check. As he
did so a glass eye fell into
his hand.
He looked up to see where it
came from in time to see a
young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in
her thanks and offered the
man a drink. As she was
very attractive he agreed.
Shortly afterwards she said,
"I'm about to have dinner.
There's plenty; would you like
to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer
and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to
a close the lady said, "I've
had a marvelous evening.
Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said,
"Do you act like this with
every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."
\\\//
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Subj: High
Schoolers Go To Different Colleges (S69)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #128 on 98-05-23
Two high school sweethearts who
went out together for four
years in high school were both
virgins; they enjoyed losing their
virginity with each other in
10th grade. When they graduated,
they wanted to both go to the
same college but the girl was
accepted to a college on the
east coast, and the guy went to
the west coast. They agreed
to be faithful to each other and
spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy
would call the girl and she
would never be home, and when he
wrote, she would take weeks
to return the letters. Even when
he emailed her, she took days
to return his messages. Finally,
she confessed to him she wanted
to date around. He didn't
take this very well and increased
his calls, letters, and emails
trying to win back her love.
Because she became annoyed, and
now had a new boyfriend,
she wanted to get him off her
back. So, what she did is this:
she took a polaroid picture
of her sucking her new boyfriend's
unmentionables and sent it to
her old boyfriend with a note
reading, "I found a new boyfriend,
leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, this guy
was heartbroken but, even more
so, was pissed. So, what
he did next was awesome. He wrote
on the back of the photo the
following, "Dear Mom and Dad,
having a great time at college,
please send more money!" and
mailed the picture to HER parents.
\\\//
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========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Blind
Daters With Fetishes (S186)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #242 on 98-04-28
The blind daters had really hit
it off and, at the end of the
evening as they were beginning
to undress each other in his
apartment, the fellow said,
"Before we go any further, Charmaine,
tell me - do you have any special
fetishes that I should take
into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled
the girl, "I do happen to have a
foot fetish- but I suppose I'd
settle for maybe seven or eight
inches."
\\\//
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Subj: Daughter
Likes To Screw (S135, S438)
From: collins2 on 8/30/99
and
From: DoctorDebt on 6/17/2005
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby
goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his
own car. When he goes to the
front door, the girl's father
answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why
don't you have a seat?," he
says. "That's cool," says
Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby
what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they
will probably just go to the
soda shop or a movie. Carrie's
father responds "Why don't you
two go out and screw? I hear
all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite
a surprise to Bobby, so he
asks Carrie's Dad to repeat
it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father,
"Carrie really likes to screw;
she'll screw all night if we
let her!"
Well, Bobby doesn't quite know
what to think, but his plan for
the evening is beginning to
look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes
downstairs in her little poodle
skirt and announces that she's
ready to go. Almost breathless
with anticipation, Bobby escorts
his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie
rushes back into the house, slams
the door behind her, and screams:
"Dammit Daddy! THE TWIST!!
IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"
\\\//
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Subj: Personal
Ad (S42, S512b)
From: DoctorDebt on 6/1/2003
and
From: jbcary1 on 11/7/2006
The following ad in The Atlanta
Journal is reported to
have received numerous calls.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male
companionship, ethnicity
unimportant. I'm a very
good looking girl who LOVES to
play. I love long walks
in the woods, riding in your
pickup truck, hunting, camping
and fishing trips, cozy
winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners
will have me eating out of your
hand. Rub me the right
way and watch me respond.
I'll be at the front door
when you get home from work,
wearing only what nature
gave me. Kiss me and I'm
yours. Call (404) 875-6420
and ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves
talking to the Atlanta
Humane Society about an 8-week
old black Labrador retriever.
Subj: Second
Personal Ad (S179)
From: RFSlick on 7/2/00
(Also see Want Add in DATING1)
A tall well-built
woman with good
reputation, who
can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates
a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music
and tal-
king without getting
too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3
and 5.
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Subj: Girlfriend
Packs Her Bags (S364b)
From: BennoRo on 1/20/2004
(See 'Guy And Gal
Having Painful Sex' in this file)
A man comes home and finds his girlfriend packing.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm leaving you," she answers.
"Leaving me? But why?"
She continues packing and says,
"Because I found out today
that you're a pedophile!"
"A pedophile? A pedophile?" he
shouts, "That's a pretty big
word for a ten year old!"
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Subj: Guy
And Gal Having Painful Sex (S186)
(See 'Girlfriend Packs
Her Bags' in this file)
This guy and gal are doing some
heavy breathing. Suddenly
the girl stops and says to the
guy "Oh! You're hurting me!".
The guy runs into the bathroom,
take some Vaseline and rub
it onto his dick. A few
moments later they are humping and
pumping again. Again she stops
and says "Oh! You're hurting
me!". Again he puts on
some Vaseline, and they are at it again.
The third time that she said
he was hurting her, he dipped his
whole dick in the Vaseline,
and returned for some more sex.
This time she stops him and
says "Oh No! Stop! The pain is
excruciating". The guy stands
back a bit, look at her and says
"Boy, that's a big word for
a 3 year old".
\\\//
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Subj: Separation
To End Unemployment (DU)
"So you think you could end all
unemployment, do you?" asked
the interviewer. "And how, if
I may be so bold to inquire?"
"Why, I'd put all the men on
one island and all the women
on another." replied Paddy.
"And what would they be doing then?"
"Building boats!"
\\\//
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Subj: Blind
Date At The Carnival (S131B)
From: thebartend on 7/30/99
(See 'Joe Dates
A Girl From The Carnival' in this file)
Scott took his blind date to
the carnival. "What would you like
to do first, Mary?" asked Scott.
"I want to get weighed," she
said. They ambled over to the
weight guesser. He guessed 120
pounds. She got on the scale,
it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the
Ferris wheel. When the ride was
over, Scott again asked Mary
what she would like to do. "I want
to get weighed," she said. Back
to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before,
he guessed her correct weight,
and Scott lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the
carnival and again he asked where
to go next. "I want to get weighed,"
she responded. By this
time, Scott figured she was
really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her
about the blind date, "How'd it
go?" Mary responded, "Oh, Waura,
it was wousy.
\\\//
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Subj: The
Mink Coat (S19, S584)
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
and
From: DoctorDebt on 6/24/2004
A man and a woman walk into a
very posh Rodeo Drive furrier.
"Show the lady your finest mink!"
the fellow exclaims. The
owner of the shop goes in back
and comes out with an absolutely
gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the
furrier sidles up to the guy and
discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir,
that particular fur goes for
$65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop
owner. "Today is Saturday.
You may come by on Monday to
pick it up, after the check has
cleared." The man and
the woman leave.
On Monday, the fellow returns
without the lady. The store
owner is outraged: "How dare
you show your face in here?!
There wasn't a single penny
in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned
the guy, "to thank you for
the most wonderful weekend of
my life!"
\\\//
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Subj: Policeman
Checks Parked Couple (S187, S533c)
From: ipkis on 97-06-11
and
From: redcatt on 4/4/2007
A policeman was patrolling near
midnight at a local parking
spot overlooking a golf course.
He drove by a car and saw
a couple inside with the dome
light on. Inside there was a
young man in the driver's seat
reading a computer magazine
and a young lady in the
back seat calmly knitting.
He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's
window and knocked. The
young man looked up, obligingly
cranked the window down, and
said, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"I'm reading this magazine," answered the young man.
Pointing towards the young lady
in the back seat, the officer
then asked, "And what is she
doing?"
The young man looked over his
shoulder and replied, "I think
she's knitting a sweater."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?"
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch
and said, "Well, in about
twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
\\\//
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Subj: Guy
Meets Girl At Mailbox (S188, S351)
From: The Bartender Joke Of The Day on 07/05/97
and
From: pns on 10/18/2003
A guy rents an apartment in New
York, and goes to the
lobby to put his name on the
group mailbox. While there,
an attractive young lady comes
out of the apartment next
to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
He smiles at the young
girl and she strikes up a conversation
with him. As they
talk, her robe slips open, and
it quite obvious that she
has nothing on under the robe.
Poor guy breaks out into a sweat
trying to maintain eye
contact. After a few minutes,
she places her hand on his
arm and says, "Let's go in my
apartment, I hear someone
coming..." He preceedes
her into the apartment, and after
she closes the door, she leans
against it allowing her
robe to fall completely open.
She purrs at him, "What
would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed guy
stammers, clears his throat
several times, and finally squeaks
out "Oh, it's got to be
your ears!"
She's astounded! Why my
ears? Looks at these boobs!
They are full, don't sag, and
they're all mine! My butt
- it's firm, doesn't sag, and
has no cellulite! Look at
this skin, no blemishes, or
scars! Why in heaven's name
would you say my ears are the
best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again,
he stammers - "Outside
when you said you heard someone
coming - THAT WAS ME!"
\\\//
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Subj: Cold
Hands Between The Legs (S190)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #179
Moved to 'Young Couple Goes To Mountains' in BODY_PARTS
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Subj: Picking
Up Girls With Potatoes (S179, S525)
From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
and
From: darrell94590 on 2/10/2007
(This joke was told during the
father of the bride speech at
a wedding about the father's
new son-in-law.)
I first met Glen when he came
to work for me in one of our
restaurants. After a few
weeks, he approached me and said
"Chris, you're a man of the
world, how do you attract the
attention of a girl you fancy?"
I had no idea that the girl in
question was my daughter, so
I said, "Look Glen, go into
the kitchen, find yourself a
couple of nice sized potatoes,
and stick 'em in your underpants."
A week went by before I saw him
again, and I shouted across the
kitchen, "Hey Glen, how's your
love life going?"
He ambled towards me sullenly
and muttered "Well, to tell you
the truth, things have got worse
since I took your advice."
I took one look at him, and immediately
saw the problem. "Glen",
I said, the potatoes are supposed
to go in the front."
\\\//
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| Subj:
The Wizard of Id (S606b)
By Parker and Hart From: Creators.com on 8/14/2009 |
 |
You can read this cute comic
strip on the benefits
of being single by clicking
'HERE'.
\\\//
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 |
Giving your Smiley a Flower
from
Smiley_Central |