>>> Subj:     Dating2 Jokes (Gz)                  (Includes 17 jokes and articles)

Moon Lite Kiss from Degsworld

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Subj:     Dating Simulator (S549)           From: CKButch4Femme on 7/27/2007  Source: http://arianeb.com/dategame.htm#

 It is quite difficult to score with Ariana on your first
 date.  She will ask if you are over 18 years old early in
 the game.  If you say "NO" you won't get beyond first
 base.  Click on the source above to play.

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Subj:     A Girl Moves In With Her Boyfriend (S577c)
          From: Playboy on the Party Jokes page of Feb. 2008 Issue

 A girl moves in with her boyfriend, whose enormous collection
 of old magazines took up an entire room in the apartment.
 "It's me or the magazines," she insisted.  When he refused
 to part with any of them, the girl stormed out.  As she told
 her friends - he just had too many issues.

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Subj:     Girl's Best Friends When Dating (S307b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 12/16/2002

 After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet
 country road and made his move. When Mary responded
 enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his
 hand up her blouse.  Suddenly, she jerked away, got out
 of the car is a hurry, and ran home. Later that night,
 she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her
 own two legs."

 On their next date, Carl returned to the country road.
 As they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up
 Mary's skirt.  Once again, she pulled away, got out of the
 car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her
 diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two
 legs."

 On the third date, the pair returned to the country road.
 This time, Mary didn't get home until very late.  That
 night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when
 even the best of friends must part."

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Subj:     Couple Has Sex In A Van (S138)
          From: RFSlick on 09/18/1999

 A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van
 (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back...
 all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky
 side, yells out "Oh  big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not
 wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not
 have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he
 opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds
 to whip the girl until they both collapse inmsado-masochistic
 ecstasy.

 About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by
 the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes
 to the doctor.  The doctor takes one look at the wounds and
 asks "Did you get these marks having sex ?"   The girl is a
 little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.  Nodding his
 head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in
 all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van
 aerial disease that I've ever seen."

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Subj:     What Woman & Man Think During Date (S136, S355)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 9/8/99
      and From: thebartend on 11/11/2003
          (See 'Relationships!' in DIFFERENCES1)

 HER DIARY

 Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird.  We had made
 plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.  I was shopping with
 my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the
 fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

 Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go some-
 where quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet
 and absent.

 I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."

 I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.  He said
 it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

 On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply
 smiled and kept driving.  I can't explain his behavior; I
 don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

 When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted
 nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there and watched
 TV.; he seemed distant and absent.

 Finally I decided to go to bed.  About 10 minutes later he
 came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and
 we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his
 thoughts were somewhere else.

 I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to
 confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.  I
 started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

 I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts
 are with someone else.  My life is a disaster.

 HIS DIARY

 Today the Packers (or pick your favorite team) lost, but at
 least I got laid.

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Subj:     The Mr. Right Rejection Form Letter (S126b)
          From: KMacinty on 6/29/99

 Dear [____rejectee's name here_____],

 I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from
 further contention as Mr. Right.  As you are probably aware,
 the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-
 qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make
 the final cut.  I will, however, keep your name on file
 should an opening become available.  So that you may find
 better success in your future romantic endeavors, please
 allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqual-
 ified from the competition:

 [Check all those that apply]
 ___  Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking
      it,hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
 ___  The fact that our finest dining experience to date has
      been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find
      unappealing.
 ___  Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the
      truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me
      for something other than my personality.
 ___  You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20
      questions about yourself before you asked me one.
 ___  Your legs are skinnier than mine.  If you can FIT into
      my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
 ___  Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given
      the 9-month pregnant size of your beer gut, was
      inappropriate.
 ___  You failed the credit check.
 ___  Your inability to fix my car is extraordinarily unappealing.
 ___  The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an
      inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
 ___  The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in
      conversation.
 ___  You still live with your parents.
 ___  You mention your ex-girlfriend's name more than you
      mention mine.
 ___  Size does matter.

      Sincerely,
      [Your name here]

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Subj:     Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter (S123)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #305 on 6/4/99
          (See 'Application To Date My Daughter' in APPLICATION)

 Rule One - If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better
      be delivering a package, because you're sure as hell
      not picking anything up.
 Rule Two - You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You
      may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at
      anything below her neck.  If you cannot keep your
      eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
      remove them.
 Rule Three - I am aware that it is considered fashionable
      for boys of your age to wear their trousers so
      loosely that they appear to be falling off their
      hips.  Please don't take this as an insult, but you
      and all of your friends are complete idiots.  Still,
      I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
      so I propose his compromise:
      You may come to the door with your underwear
      showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I
      will not object.  However, in order to ensure that
      your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the
      course of your date with my daughter, I will take
      my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
      securely in place to your waist.
 Rule Four - I'm sure you've been told that in today's world,
      sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some
      kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate, when it comes
      to sex, I am the barrier, and I *will* kill you.
 Rule Five - It is usually understood that in order for us to
      get to know each other, we should talk about sports,
      politics, and other issues of the day.  Please do
      not do this.  The only information I require from
      you is an indication of when you expect to have my
      daughter safely back at my house, and the only word
      I need from you on this subject is "early."
 Rule Six - I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with
      many opportunities to date other girls.  This is
      fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
      Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little
      girl, you will continue to date no one but her until
      she is finished with you.  If you make her cry, I
      will make *you* cry.
 Rule Seven - As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for
      my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes
      by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on
      time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My
      daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that
      can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
      Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
      something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
 Rule Eight - The following places are not appropriate for a
      date with my daughter: Places where there are beds,
      sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
      Places where there are no parents, policemen, or
      nuns within eyesight.  Places where there is dark-
      ness.  Places where there is dancing, holding hands,
      or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature
      is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts,
      tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
      overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped
      up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or
      sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features
      chain saws are okay.  Hockey games are okay.  Old
      folks homes are better.
 Rule Nine - Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied,
      balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been.  But on
      issues relating to my daughter, I am "The All-knowing,
      Merciless God of Your Universe". If I ask you where
      you are going and with whom, you have one chance to
      tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
      truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres
      behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
 Rule Ten - Be afraid.  Be very afraid.  It takes very little
      for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway
      for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi.
      When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my
      head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for
      you to bring my daughter home.  As soon as you pull
      into the driveway you should exit your car with both
      hands in plain sight.  Speak the perimeter password,
      announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
      daughter home safely and early, then return to your
      car - there is no need for you to come inside.  The
      camouflaged face at the window is mine.

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Subj:     Girl At Bar Invites Guy To Her Home (S179)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #318 on 6/25/00

 Replaced by 'Joe Dates A Girl From The Carnival' in DATING1

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Subj:     Finding A Picture Of The Competition (S117, S572b)
          From: thebartend on 4/26/99
      and From: ginafm on 1/1/2008

 Whilst enjoying a drink with a friend one night, Dan decides
 to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone
 by the bar.  To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a
 drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to
 her place.

 The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her
 flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.

 Finally, Dan being totally spent rolls over, pulls out a
 cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter.  Unable
 to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

 "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

 Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of
 matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another
 man.  Naturally, Dan begins to worry. "Is this your husband?"
 he inquires nervously.

 "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

 "Your boyfriend then?"

 "No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

 "Well, who is he then?" demands the Dan. Calmly, the girl
 takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and
 replies, "That's me before the operation."

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Subj:     Momma Comics On Elderly Dating (S598b)           From: Creators.com on 7/1/2008 Source: http://www.creators.com/today-comics.html

 You can read this cute comic strip about elderly dating
 on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     What Kind Of Man Makes The Best Lover? (S42)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #207 on 97-11-03

 Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface
 are actually strongly homosexual, often without even
 knowing it. Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests,
 arms and clean skin are actually unconsciously obsessed by
 male bodies.  You should stay far away from men who are
 athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to
 dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes.
 These "men" often have a compulsion to spend money on
 sumptuous meals, taxicabs, and expensive trinkets to
 compensate for their affliction.

 Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want,
 don't need to alter the natural contours of their bodies.
 They are content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and
 waists with a comfortable amount of flesh, which can come
 in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they
 call them "love handles"?)

 One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause
 embarrassing rumors about you at home or school.  Men on
 short business trips are discreet, grateful, and particu-
 larly driven by passion. Look for them!

 HOW..."BIG"...SHOULD A MAN BE?
 Don't by shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded
 by confusion.  The average man's penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches
 long.  Men substantially larger than this must often undergo
 painful surgery to cure their condition.  In thickness, the
 average man is somewhat larger than a ball-point pen.

 HOW..."LONG"...SHOULD A MAN LAST?
 Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable
 thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man
 can go for up to forty-five seconds.  Once in a long while,
 you'll find a man who can "last" as long as a minute. What-
 ever you do, don't let your girlfriends know you've landed
 one of these desirable "sixty second wonders."

 HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN ORGASM?
 The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put
 into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that
 it "feels like something inside of you."  When a man's penis
 is inside your vagina, or mouth or buttocks, that is an
 orgasm. You'll find a really skilled lover applies the
 same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he
 "leaves a little something on your plate."  When, after
 intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be
 "more to come," that "vaguely unsatisfied" feeling," then
 you can be sure you've experienced a sexually memorable
 adventure.

 WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM?
 There is no such thing.

 WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX?
 This is one of the most significant differences between the
 sexes.  If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you
 will see the a man's penis fits naturally into a woman's
 mouth. On the other hand, a man's mouth does not naturally
 fit into a woman's vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating
 a man is performing a "natural" act. But a man seeking to
 put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an
 "unnatural" act (why do you think they call the vagina your
 "private parts"?)

 WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?
 Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction.  His
 satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a
 sure sign that he, and you are "GIB."  Another example of
 male "afterplay" is his turning on a football or basketball
 game immediately after climax. Many women find a particu-
 larly satisfying postcoital experience in going into the
 kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along
 with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help
 her love put back depleted calories.

 WHAT IS IMPOTENCE?
 Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate
 her man properly.  This can happen when her figure is not
 perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long
 before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can
 help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man
 a sandwich.  Another really good "foreplay" technique is to
 invite a really good-looking girl friend over, and do what-
 ever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.

 HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?
 One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary
 your dress.  Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or
 rubber suits will all help get your man's attention.  Also,
 don't keep playing "one on one."  Invite your more attract-
 ive and energetic girl friends over to take part. Another
 technique. and we think the best, is to use anonymous names.
 Have your lover call himself "Mr. Smith."  Don't let him
 tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You
 will find it lends an air of real "mystery" to the affair.

 HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?
 When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty,
 married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you
 of his masculinity, go to a 'local' about 8:30 at night.
 Look around the bar, then, when you've found your man,
 unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink
 at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're cute, can
 I buy you a drink?"  This is a real conversation icebreaker
 and things will naturally progress from here.

 SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:
 "If I get pregnant, how do I know who the father is?"  There
 is absolutely no way to tell.

 "What's the best way to keep my teeth and skin looking
 healthy and shiny?"  One of the best and most frequently
 neglected substances is semen.  The more you can somehow
 get on your teeth and skin, the better you'll look.

 "What are some "loving nicknames" we can use?"  You should
 always call him, "Mr. Smith." You can also call him, "King
 Kong," "Master," or "stud." Men often call their favorite
 lovers, "Hey you" or "Uh, Miss?"

 "Where should a man take me?"  Because so many homosexual
 men like to take their "dates" out for fancy meals, look
 for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonalds for
 a snack. That means his mind is not on food, so you
 know what he's thinking about.

 "What happens if he doesn't call?" He may be trying to
 keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to your
 'local' and look to see if he's come back.  If he doesn't,
 find another person who sort of looks like him and
 maybe write or works for a humor magazine, then try the
 "Can I buy you a drink?" technique with him.  You may
 find you've met a new, exciting lover.

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Subj:     Mating Research

 University of Michigan researchers in 1994 have devised a
 universal theory to explain what ignites our passions and
 plunges us into the most despairing heartbreak.  In the
 largest study of its kind, Dr. David Buss and colleagues
 surveyed more than 10,000 people living on six continents
 and five islands about their mating preferences and attitudes.
 The research, financed by the National Institute of Mental
 Health, spanned a six-year period and involved the colla-
 boration of 50 other scientists.  From Zambia to Japan, the
 language of love and lust transcended cultural boundaries,
 the researchers found.

 "Humans everywhere have very similar desires for mates,"
 said Buss, who has studied sexual behavior more than 15
 years.  "However, the desires of men and women differ, and
 they change depending on whether one is seeking casual sex
 or a long-term relationship."

 Buss said 90 percent of the people throughout the world get
 married; however, most do not spend a lifetime with one
 partner exclusively.  He said short-term coupling dominates
 modern human mating strategies, but men and women seek out
 liaisons for different reasons: women to test their market
 value, men to test their virility.

 "If a man could have his fantasy, he would sequester and
 monopolize all the attractive women in the country," Buss
 said.  "Indeed, men who are in a position to get what they
 want, kings, tycoons, celebrities, often do things like
 that."

 The researchers found that males said they desired an
 average of eight sexual partners in a two-year period,
 while females wanted only one.  In a lifetime, males said
 they wanted 18 women, while females said they wanted four
 men, on average.

 Male and female America generally takes time.  Male and
 female students were equally likely to engage in sex after
 knowing their partner for more than five years, the study
 reported.  But the average male was willing to have sex
 after knowing his partner one week, while the average
 female said she would wait six months.

 Buss speculated that male promiscuity is a primal instinct
 that reflects nature's attempt to maximize reproduction in
 a dangerous world.  The female's caution reflects her
 instinct to "seek resources and protection because she must
 bear the children."  Males, eager to disperse their genes,
 look for cues in females that signal sexual accessibility
 and fertility; health, youth, and curves, the scientists
 said.  Men often value female promiscuity, he said, but
 only for short-term relationships.  When a male wants a
 wife, he values chastity and prefers someone who lacks
 prior sexual experience because of his need to make certain
 he is the father of the children.

 "Historically, men have sequestered women with chastity
 belts, eunuch-guarded harems, veiling, even surgical
 procedures," Buss noted in the study, which was published
 in the journal Psychological Review.

 In more than two thirds of the 37 countries studied, men
 desired chastity in a mate more than women did.  Male
 Indonesians, Iranians, and Palestinian Arabs coveted
 virginity the most, while men in the Netherlands and
 Scandinavia valued it the least.

 Another cross-cultural study found that infidelity was the
 most prevalent cause of divorce, but a wife's affair was
 much more likely to end her marriage than a husband's, the
 scientists reported.  Females said they would be more upset
 by a partner who "fell in love and became emotionally
 committed to someone else" rather than one who had a casual
 affair.

 As a sexual strategy, females often chose mates who offer
 either physical or economic protection, and who will commit
 resources to the family, Buss said.  Even height can be a
 factor.  Studies of singles ads show that if males say they
 are taller, 6-foot-1 or more, they receive more responses
 from women.

 Short-term mating strategies among females are mostly
 experimental, the researchers reported.  "A (single) woman
 may seek short-term mates both to clarify what her desires
 are and to assess how desirable she is," Buss said.  When
 married women have affairs, they may be "casting about to
 see what their value is, and to determine if they can get
 out of their current relationship."

 By suggesting that love is not really blind, Buss also
 discovered that frustration might be biologically inherent
 in relationships.  "I think evolution has played a dirty
 trick on us by creating desires that can never really be
 fulfilled," he said.

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Subj:     Dictionary Of Dating (S320)
          From: JokesUncut on 3/12/2003

 ATTRACTION:  The act of associating horniness with a
 particular person.

 BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics
 as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm,
 using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending
 time around children.

 DATING:  The process of spending enormous amounts of money,
 time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person
 whom you don't especially like in the present and will
 learn to like a lot less in the future.

 EASY:  A term used to describe a woman who has the morals
 of a man.

 EYE CONTACT:  A method utilized by a single woman to
 communicate to a man that she is interested in him.
 Despite being advised to do so, many women have
 difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not
 necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the
 fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

 FRIEND:  A member of the opposite sex in your
 acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping
 with him/her totally unappealing.

 FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have
 sex less often than he does, or who requires more
 foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

 INDIFFERENCE:  A woman's feeling towards a man, which
 is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

 IRRITATING HABIT:  What the endearing little qualities
 that initially attract two people to each other turn
 into after a few months together.

 LAW OF RELATIVITY:  How attractive a given person appears
 to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your
 date is.

 LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:  What occurs when two extremely
 horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

 NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her
 life with him than just intercourse.

 NYMPHOMANIAC:  A man's term for a woman who wants to
 do it more often than he does.

 SOBER:  A condition in which it is almost impossible
 to fall in love.

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Subj:    Quotes On Dating

 When you learn to distinguish between the container and the
 contents, you will have attained wisdom.  Idries Shah

 My feeling about technique in art is that it has about the
 same value as technique in lovemaking.  Heartfelt ineptitude
 has its appeal and so does heartless skill; but what you
 want is passionate virtuosity.  -- John Barth

 Among men, sex sometimes leads to intimacy; among women
 intimacy sometimes leads to sex.  -- D. Symons

 Courtship...is characterized by tentative, ambivalent
 behavior involving fear, aggression, and sexual attraction.
 The nervousness and hesitancy is slowly reduced if the
 mutual sexual signals are strong enough.  --  Desmond Morris

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Subj:     Non Sequitur Comic On Dating (S548c)           From: WashingtonPost.com on 7/11/2007  Source: http://www.uclick.com/client/wpc/nq/

 This is a cute comic strip on dating.  You will need
 to view it on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Smiley gives Folwers from Smiley_Central

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