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Subj: Dating3 Jokes (Gz) (Includes 68 jokes and articles) |
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Dating Evolution from Degsworld |
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| Subj:
3 Tidy Up Movies (S550c)
From: AFine963 on 7/28/2007 |
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These three, short movies from
Ikea advocate cleaning and
organizing your home.
You can view these cute ads on my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Dating
Rituals (S540)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/1/2007
WHITE WOMEN
First date:You get to kiss her
goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope
all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have
sex, but only in the
missionary
position.
IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind
drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind
drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get
blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a
play and an expensive
restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents
and her Mom makes
spaghetti
and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she
wants to marry you and
insists
on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already
have 5 kids together and
hate
the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself
a girlfriend.
JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get dynamite
head.
Second Date: You get more great
head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll
marry her and never
get
head again.
CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her
an expensive dinner,
but
nothing happens.
Second date:You buy her an even
more expensive dinner.
Nothing
happens again.
Third date: You don't even get
to the third date and
you
already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of
the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her
a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy
her and her girlfriends a
real
expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her
rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by
someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive
dinner, get drunk
on
Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One
week later ~ her mother,
father,
his girlfriend, her two sisters, her
brother,
all of their kids, her grandma, her
father's
girlfriend's mother, her two cousins,
her
sister's boyfriend and his three kids move
in
and you live on rice and beans for the rest
of
your life in your home that used to be nice,
but
now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
The POINT?
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?
\\\//
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Subj: Asking
Your Date To Marry You (S334)
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/21/2003
For months Bill had been Lynn's
devoted admirer. At long
last he had collected sufficient
courage to ask her the
momentous question.
"There are quite a lot of advantages
to being a bachelor,"
Bill began, "but there comes
a time when one longs for the
companionship of another being,
a being who will regard one
as perfect, as an idol; whom
one can treat as one's absolute
own; who will be kind and faithful
when times are hard; who
will share one's joys and sorrows."
To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic
gleam in Lynn's
eyes. Then she nodded in agreement,
"I think it's a
wonderful idea!
Can I help you pick out a puppy?"
\\\//
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Subj: Relationships
Before And After (S281b)
From: http://www.twistedhumor.com
on 9/22/2000
Before she moves in, she wears
teddies and suspenders, and
you hold your farts in until
she leaves the room; she's a
gorgeous sex kitten and you
tell her so; you're so sweet
and adorable, and blowjobs follow
ambient dinners like a
fine port.
After she moves in, she farts
in her grungy trackie bottoms
while hypnotized by Coronation
Street; you scratch your
nuts unashamedly and bitch about
work; oral sex is strictly
quid pro quo and the new girl
in the office really does
have a great ass. Here
are the key indicators of when the
honeymoon period has finished.
1. Addictions
Before: You tell her you don't
mind the occasional cold
beer on a hot day with your
mates, and that you've taken
recreational drugs but those
days are well and truly over.
After: For the fifth night in
a row you stagger in blotto,
dig out your stash and mull
up, pass out in the lounge in
your underpants and expect her
to accept that you're just
being you.
2. Bodily functions
Before: You spray aerosol after
a crap; piss on the side
of the bowl to reduce noise
and never, ever fart in her
presence.
After: You fart in front of her
with impunity and obvious
pride, commenting on the food
intake for the day and
speculating on the resultant
odor. Despite repeated pleas
to the contrary, you fart in
bed and hold her head under
the covers. You think it's hilarious.
3. Relations/Friends
Before: Her auntie Jane is a
real character with a lively
personality and interesting
views about politics, and her
unemployed girlfriend Amanda
is a genuine, charming
supportive friend who you think
is really nice.
After: Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed,
pain-in-the-ass
with all the personality of
a cold sore. Amanda is a
manipulative loser, but you
wouldn't mind doing her if
the opportunity arose.
4. Sex
Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked,
gymnastic romp that lasts
for hours. You screw to
impress, using all your tricks -
your renowned tit grope, marathon
oral sex sessions, and
jackhammer-like screwing.
Screwing four times a day is
not uncommon.
After: A wank is often preferable
to the effort of sex.
When you do have sex, you think
about Amanda.
5. Attention span
Before: Her words are hypnotic;
her wit is incisive; her
anecdotes about her life pre-you
are spellbinding. Over
candlelight and coffee you listen
with interest and
politely chortle as she recounts
stories of her childhood.
After: Your eyes glaze over as
soon as she mentions
anything that doesn't involve
you. What's more, you
develop the uncanny ability
to be able to concentrate on
the T.V and listen to her at
the same time. The phrase,
"Are you listening to me?" becomes
an evening mantra.
Overall Evaluation
6. What She Thinks
Before: She thinks you are witty,
disciplined, a sexual
athlete, attentive, loving,
faithful and devoid of all
crass male habits which have
plagued her previous
relationships .....but she suspects
that you're full of shit.
After: She KNOWS you're full of shit!!
\\\//
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Subj: Three
Roommates Discuss Dates (S280b)
From: dogbyte on 6/8/2002
These three women were roommates.
One night they all had all
gone out on dates and they all
came home at about the same time.
The first one said, "You know
you've been on a good date when
you come home with your hair
all messed up."
The second one said, "No, you
know you've been on a good date
when you come home with your
makeup all smeared."
The third one said nothing, but
reached under her skirt, removed
her panties and threw them against
the wall, where they stuck.
"Now THAT'S a good date!"
\\\//
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Subj: Widow
& Widower Goes On Picnic (S267c)
From: thebartend on 3/15/2002
Sadie had been widowed for a
few years and very lonely,
and finally consented to going
out on a date with Morris,
the gentleman her daughter fixed
her up with.
Morris picked up her and they
went on a picnic in a very
secluded spot. Morris
also had been widowed for a long
time and found himself very
attracted to Sadie, and
despite her resistance at first
to his advances, he
finally was able to make love
to her.
Sadie was mortified at her lack
of self control and
sobbed "I don't know how I can
face my daughter, knowing
in a time of weakness, I sinned
twice!"
Morris said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"
Sadie looked at Morris and said,
"...Well, you're going to
do it again, aren't you?"
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Subj: Hank
Breaks Up With His Fiancee (S267c)
From: dogbyte on 3/6/2002
Hank finally found the nerve
to tell his fiancee that he
had to break off their engagement
so that he could marry
another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked.
"Not on her best day." Hank replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.
"No, she's broke."
"Well then, is it sex?"
"Nope,... nobody does it like you, babe."
"Then what is it?? What can she do for you that I can't?"
"She can sue me for child support!"
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Subj: Manny
Can't Find A Girl Mom Likes (S257, S457)
From: thebartend on 12/31/2001
Manny was almost 29 years old.
Most of his friends had
already gotten married, and
Manny just bounced from one
relationship to the next.
Finally a friend asked him,
"What's the matter, are you
looking for the perfect woman?
Are you THAT particular?
Can't you find anyone who suits
you?"
"No," Manny replied. "I
meet a lot of nice girls, but as
soon as I bring them home to
meet my parents, my mother
doesn't like them. So
I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggested,
"Why don't you find a
girl who's just like your dear
ole Mother?"
Many weeks past before Manny
and his friend got together
again. "So Manny.
Did you find the perfect girl yet.
One that's just like your Mother?"
Manny shrugged his shoulders,
"Yes I found one just like
Mom. My mother loved her, they
became great friends."
"Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"
\\\//
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Subj: Maths
and Romance (S255b)
From: gheckman on 12/6/2001
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item
he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2
item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS STATISTICS:
A woman worries about the future
until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the
future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who
makes more money than
his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who
can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you
must understand him a lot and
love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you
must love her a lot and
not try to understand
her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than
single men, but married men
are a lot more
willing to die.
MEMORY
Any married man should forget
his mistakes, there's no use
in two people remembering
the same thing.
APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking
as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during
the night.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting
he will change,
but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting
that she won't change,
and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in
any argument. Anything a man
says after that
is the beginning of a new argument.
COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man
doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage
and after marriage.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING
YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to
me at weddings, poking me in
the ribs and cackling,
telling me, "You're next." They
stopped after I
started doing the same thing to them at
funerals.
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Subj: The
New Math (S310)
From: Puneet385 on 1/5/2003
Same as 'Math and Romance' above, but is a cute web page
http://laurasmidiheaven.com/card/pages/newmath.shtml
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Subj: Bringing
Home The Fiance (S241)
From: flovilla on 9/8/2001
A young woman brought her fiance
home to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother told
her father to find out about
the young man. The father
invited the fiance to his study
for a talk.
"So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.
"I am a bibical scholar," he replied.
"A Biblical scholar. Hmmm,"
the father said. "Admirable,
but what will you do to provide
a nice house for my
daughter to live in?"
"I will study, " the young man
replied, "and God will
provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful
engagement ring,
such as she deserves?" asked
the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies,"
the young man replied,
"God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father.
"How will you support
children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance.
The conversation proceeded like
this, and each time the
father questioned, the young
idealist insisted that God
would provide.
Later, the girl's mother asked
her husband, "How did it
go, Honey?"
The father answered, "He has
no job and no plans, and he
thinks I'm God."
\\\//
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Subj: Supporting
A Family (S376)
From: gheckman on 4/8/2004
The prospective father-in-law
asked, "Young man, can you
support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be- replied,
"Well, no. I just planned
to support your daughter.
The rest of you will have to fend
for yourselves."
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Subj: Teddy
Bears And Sex (S223)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/8/2001
A man meets a gorgeous woman
in a bar. They talk, they connect,
they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and
as she shows him around her
apartment, he notices that her
bedroom is completely packed
with teddy bears. Hundreds of
small bears on a shelf all the
way along the floor medium sized
ones on a shelf a little higher,
and huge bears on the top
shelf.
The man is kind of surprised
that this woman would have a
collection of teddy bears, especially
one that's so extensive,
but he decides not to mention
this to her. He turns to her...
they kiss... and then
they rip each others clothes off and
make love.
After an intense night of passion,
as they are lying there
together in the afterglow, the
man rolls over and asks,
smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
\\\//
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Subj: Sending
A Lady A Bottle Of Wine (S223)
From: thebartend on 5/7/2001
A man enters his favorite ritzy
restaurant and while sitting
at his regular table, he noticed
a gorgeous woman sitting at
a table nearby....all alone.
He calls the waiter over and
asks for their most expensive
bottle of Merlot to be sent over
to her - knowing that if she
accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and
quickly sends it over to the
girl, saying this from the gentleman.
She looks at the wine
and decides to send a note over
to the man. The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle,
you need to have a Mercedes
in your garage, a million dollars
in the bank, and 7 Inches
in your pants."
The man, after reading the note,
sends one of his own back
to her and it read: "Just so
you know - I happen to have a
Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL,
and a Mercedes 560SEL in my
garage; plus I have over twenty
million dollars in the bank.
But, not even for a woman beautiful
as you, would I cut off
three inches. Just send
the bottle back."
\\\//
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Subj: Mother
Has Dinner At Son's Home (S149, S479c)
From: RFSlick on 12/10/1999
and
From: DoctorDebt on 3/28/2006
(See 'The
New Assistant Pastor And The Gravy Ladle' in Preacher)
John invited his mother over
for dinner. During the course
of the meal, his mother couldn't
help but noticing how beautiful
John's roommate was. She
had long been suspicious of a rela-
tionship between John and his
roommate, and this had only made
her more curious. Over
the course of the evening, while
watching the two react, she
started to wonder if there was
more between John and his roommate
than met the eye. Reading
his mother's thoughts, John
volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking but I assure you
Julie and I are just roommates".
About a week later, Julie came
to John saying, "ever since your
Mother came to dinner, I've
been unable to find the beautiful
silver gravy ladle. You
don't suppose that your mother took it
do you?".
John said, "Well I doubt it,
but I'll send her a letter just to
be sure." So he sat down
and wrote: Dear Mother: I'm not
saying that you 'did' take the
gravy ladle from my house. I'm
not saying that you 'did not'
take the gravy ladle. But the
fact remains that it has been
missing ever since you were here
for dinner."
Several days later, John received
a letter from his mother
which read: Dear Son: I'm not
saying that you 'do' sleep with
Julie, and I'm not saying that
you 'do not' sleep with Julie.
But the fact remains that if
she were sleeping in her own bed,
she would have found the gravy
ladle by now.
Love, Mom
Lesson of the day..... Don't lie to your Mom
\\\//
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Subj: Short Jokes
And One-Liners About Dating
| Subj:
After The Perfect Date (S477b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 3/2/2006 |
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Top
Subj: Having
Two Boyfriends (S412)
From: JokesUncut on 12/17/2004
"I'm telling you, Carol, I've
never been happier, " Betty
told her friend. "I have two
boyfriends. One is just
fabulous...handsome,sensitive,
caring and considerate."
What in the world do you need the second one for?" Carol asked?"
"Oh," Betty replied, "the second
one is straight."
Top
Subj: Asking
'If I Am The First' (S403)
From: Anonymous Junior on 10/02/04
The moon shown silver on the
waters of the lake, and the
waves that were beating on the
shore were hardly equal
in intensity to the waves of
passion nearby. One ardent
couple paused long enough for
the young man to whisper,
"Darling am I the first man
to make love to you ?" Her
tone upon answering was slightly
more than irritable.
"Of course you are!" she said.
"And also the best too.
I don't know why you men always
ask the same old
ridiculous questions."
Top
Subj: Getting
Girls Phone Numbers In England (S281b)
From: jerry on 6/19/2002
Thousands of UK men are getting
the brush-off when women
they are interested in hand
them their phone number as
01279 633 452 which when called
tells the hapless Romeos,
"The person you are calling
was obviously not interested.
For advice on personal hygiene,
improving your dress sense
or better ways of approaching
females, please hold."
Then the message continues, "I'm
sorry, all our operators
are busy washing their hair."
UK Sunday People 12-May-02
Top
Subj: The
'Here After' Routine (S247)
From: dogbyte on 10/20/2001
Fred's convertible glided to
a halt
on the edge of a lonely country
road.
"I suppose," said his pretty
but reluctant date,
"you're going to pull the old
'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to
pull the
'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine-----what's
that?",
she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what
I'm here after,
you'll be here after I'm gone!"
Top
Subj: Food
And The Sex Drive (S14)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-05-08
A recently completed scientific
study has shown
conclusive evidence that links
the eating of certain
foods with reduced sex drive
in women. The food at
the top of the list was wedding
cake.
If you're single, there's a 2
in 3 chance you did this
the last time you were with
your significant other.
Lied.
Surveys reveal that girls do
this for the first time in
their back yard. First
kiss.
If you want to know why they
are called the 'opposite sex',
express an opinion!
Our lips touched....
Then she crossed her legs and
broke my glasses.
We spent most of the night together
and I felt sad to go.
I said goodbye for the 50th
time and slowly walked outside
to get in my car and go home,
this is when I found out
that my car had been towed.
I ran my fingers slowly down
the crack of her ass. She
shuddered and then said angrily,
"Don't you dare touch MY
donkey again!"
I chased her up the tree, and kissed her between the limbs.
The Fishing Forecast: They say
there are lots of good fish
in the sea. But who wants
to go out with a fish?
The Psychological Prognosis:
Love is a form of temporary
insanity curable by marriage.
The Rope Trick: Give a man enough
rope and he'll lasso
another woman.
Mind Over Matter: No one ever
falls in love with another
person's mind at a cocktail
party.
The Fault Finder: The faster
way to discover all your bad
habits is to move in with your
lover.
The Unintended Result: 1) Men's
desire for sex sometimes
results in intimacy; 1a) Men
often go looking for sex and
end up finding love; 2) Women's
desire for intimacy often
results in sex; 2a) Women often
go looking for love and
end up finding only sex.
The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.
The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.
Twain's Truth: Familarity breeds children.
The Fertility Factor: Women are
only fertile a few days
each month, unless they're single.
The Preparation Predicament:
The longer you spend in the
bathroom preparing for sex,
the more likely he's fallen
asleep by the time you're ready.
HE: I feel like I've known
you for years.
SHE: Yes, you certainly do.
From LAWS
file
A state law in Illinois mandates
that all bachelors
should be called master, not
mister, when addressed
by their female counterparts.
In Eureka, Nevada men who wear
moustaches are forbidden
from kissing women...
Flirtation between the members
of the opposite sex on the
streets of Little Rock, Arkansas
may result in a 30 day
jail term....
In Dyersburg, Tennessee it is
illegal for a woman to
call a man for a date...
From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
A young man said to his girlfriend's
father, "I realise
this is only a
formality, but would you mind me
marrying your daughter?"
"Who says it's only a formality?"
asked the father angrily.
"Her obstetrician" replied the
young man.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #191
From the outset, the blind date
was a fiasco and it was
intensified by the fact that
the fellow was too insensitive
and ego-ridden to realize it.
The moment of truth came
in the supper club as he clutched
the girl's thigh and
whispered, "Baby, how's about
our cutting out to my pad
so I can slip you nine inches?"
There was a moment of silence,
and then the girl said,
"You know, I really don't think
you could get it up three
times in a row."
From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
The word "samba" means "to rub
navels together."
From: homeschooling.guide on 99-01-10
See no evil, hear no evil, date
no evil.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #307 on 6/18/99
WANTED: Meaningful overnight
relationship.
From: pns on 3/30/2001 (S218)
Save Your Breath...
You'll need it to blow up your
date!
From: KMACINTY on 5/9/2001 (S223)
"I'm not your type. I'm not
inflatable"
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/16/2001
(233b)
"You know, when you get back
together with an old boyfriend,
it's pathetic. It's like
having a garage sale and buying
your own stuff back."
-- Laura Kightlinger
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/31/2001
(S235)
"I was dating this girl for
two years--and right away the
nagging starts: 'I wanna know
your name.'" -- Mike Binder
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/5/2001 (S237)
"I've been on so many blind
dates I should get a free dog."
-- Wendy Liebman
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/13/2001
(S237)
"When I am not in a relationship,
I shave one leg so when I
sleep, it feels like I am with
a woman." -- Garry Shandling
From: RFSlick on 8/25/2001 (S239)
Women might be able to fake
orgasms, but men can fake
entire relationships.
-- Sharon Stone
Honesty is the key to a relationship.
If you can fake
that, you're in. -- Courteney
Cox, as Monica on "Friends"
From: dogbyte on 2/5/2003 (S314b)
Don't try to pick up a woman
at the laundromat.
If she can't afford her own
washing machine,
then she will never be able
to support you!
From: LABLaughsClean on 10/27/2004
(S406b)
Remember a sense of humor does
not mean that you
tell him jokes, it means that
you laugh at his.
From: igiggle on 1/23/2006 (S471c)
Dating means doing a lot of
fun things you will never do
again if you get married.
The fun stops with marriage
because you're trying to save
money for when you split
up your property.
Q: What's the definition of eternity?
A: The length of time between
when you come and she leaves.
Q: Why is going to a singles
bar like being a matador?
A: You have to dodge a lot of
bull.
Q: What is the difference between
a singles bar and a circus?
A: At the circus, the clowns
don't talk.
Q: What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
A: Same urge that makes dogs
chase cars they have no
intention of driving.
Bawdy.Net Collage #178
Q: What should you do if your
girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.
From: dscott on 97-07-24
Q: What's the difference between
a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between
a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes
From: dscott on 97-07-24
Q: What is it when a man talks
nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks
nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/16/2008 (S587b)
Q: What is the difference between
garbage and an ugly girl?
A: Garbage gets picked up at
least once a week.
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