Subj: Differences1 between Men And Women
          (Includes 13 jokes and articles, 20 1045n,5,cf,wXT5a,1)

Couple in Love
Accent on Animation
Includes the following:  Zits Comic Strip (DU)
.........................Female Brain Cell In A Man (S326, S604)
.........................78 Genes Seperate Men From Women (S364, DU)
.........................Female Or Shemale - Quiz (S518)
.........................Boys And Girls Are Born Equal But Not The Same (S559)
.........................Dave Barry On Beauty (S420b, S668)
.........................I'd Rather Do It Myself... (S272c, DU)
.........................Why Men Will Never Win (S266, DU)
.........................The Differences Between Men And Women (S132, S784)
.........................Man Discovered Woman - GIF (S452, DU)
.........................Relationships! (S628)
.........................Who Says Women Aren't Different?
.........................Difference Between Male And Female Birds - GIF/Web Page (S477b)

Also see BANKING file - 'ATM Drive-Through Banking'
         COMPUTERS4   - 'Computer Gender?'
         DATING2 file - 'What Woman And Man Think During Date'
         DATING3 file - 'Relationships Before And After'
         DRINKING     - 'Men And Women On Wine'
         DRNK_BEER-SUP- 'Critical Thinking At Its Best!'
         ENGLISH file - 'English Professor And Punctuation'
......................- 'If English Words Had Gender'
         MARRIAGE4    - 'The Game Of Romance: How To Keep Score'
         MEN2 file    - 'A Man Doesn't Say...'
......................- 'Male-to-English Dictionary'
......................- 'Rate Yourself w/Women'
         MEN3 file    - 'A Man's "50 Rules For Women"'
         MEN4 file    - 'Cute, Handsome And Ugly Men'
         MENQUESTIONS - 'Male Or Female?'
......................- '5 Toughest Questions For Men'
         MENandWOMEN2 - 'Remote Controls For Men And Women'
         MOTHERS file - 'I'll Never Understand My Wife'
         QUOTES2 file - 'Great Quotes Of Men, Women, And Relationships'
         QUO-COMED-SUP- 'Jerry Seinfeld On Men And Women' - Video
         WOMEN2 file  - 'What I Want In A Man'
......................- 'The Rules'
         WOMEN3 file  - 'Woman's Dictionary'
         WORD JOKES2  - 'Daily Words Used By Men And Women'
Subj:     Zits Comic Strip (DU)
          by Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman on 1/8/2014
 Source: https://onthenorthriver.files.wordpress
Subj:     Female Brain Cell In A Man (S326, S604)
          From: gheckman on 4/30/2003

 Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by
 mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

 She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.
 "Hello?" she  cried... but no answer. "Is there anyone here?"

 She cried a little louder, but still no answer....

 Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared

 Then she heard a voice from far, far away ...

 "Hello - we're  all down here..."

Subj:     78 Genes Seperate Men From Women (S364, DU)
          From: jerry on 1/16/2004

 Is it all in the Genes? Or is it in the Jeans?

 Scientists decoding the human genome have discovered that
 just 78 genes separate men from women," says the BBC News
 website (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/3002946.stm).
 "But what are [their differences]?" Some of its readers
 of BoneheadOfTheDayAward reply these genes cause the following:

"Men have no opinion about curtains." Stuart Maconie

"At weddings, women cry and then get drunk.  Men get
   drunk, then cry." Debby, Britain

"Men speak in sentences.  Women speak in paragraphs."
   Steve Munoz, U.S.

"If you told a woman that you had just returned from a
   trip to the surface of the Moon, she would show her
   interest by asking who you had gone with." Howard, Britain

"Men will hear you open a beer from three rooms away."
   Aileen, Scotland

"Men cannot watch sports and talk to their wives at the
   same time." Lisa, Canada

"Women talk during the show but not during the
   commercials." Mark, US

"Women could never invent weapons that kill, only ones
   that make you feel really bad and guilty until you
   surrender." Dan, Britain

Men like to have all their stuff (DVDs, CDs, etc) on
   show to impress their mates.  Women like to hide things
   in cupboards. Mark Nelson, UK

Men appreciate the importance of a 42-inch plasma screen.
   Women do not. Jonathan, UK

For men, 2am is time for sleep.  For women, 2am is time
   for a discussion about where our relationship is going.
   Luke, UK

Men know that common house spiders are far less dangerous
   than scorpions. John S, UK

Women enjoy planning a wedding. Tom Howes, UK

Women pee together.  Men do not acknowledge, let alone
   speak, to each other when peeing. Angus, London

Women think that a good place to keep the TV controller
   is on top of the TV. Christopher, UK

Women put things on the bottom stair to take up next time
   she has to go upstairs.  Men just step over them until
   told to pick them up. Karen Kelsey, UK

Men can balance an infinite amount of rubbish in the bin,
   without noticing it is full. Yvonne Eccles, England

Men use I or me when they should use we or us.  Women use
   we or us when they should use I or me. Clair, England

Subj:     Female Or Shemale (S518)
          From: edapsmas on 12/14/2006
 Source: (Removed from joeschwartz.net/shemale/)

 Can you tell the difference between a female and a shemale?
 Take this sixteen question quiz by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Boys And Girls Are Born Equal But Not The Same (S559)
          From: AFine963 on 10/3/2007

 "Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same."  Men and
 women are created equal.  But, boys and girls are not born
 the same.

 1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in
 the nose.  You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try
 to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

 2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best,
 and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it
 to church an hour later.  You dress a boy in his Easter
 Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from
 your home to the church, even if you're driving there.

 3. Boys' rooms are usually messy.  Girls' rooms are usually
 messy, except it's a good smelling mess.

 4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment
 at what nature has made.  A baby boy will pick up a stick
 and turn it into a gun.

 5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to
 dress them up and play house with them.  When boys play
 with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their

 6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly.  If
 their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would
 rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be
 seen in public.

 7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively
 start painting their face.  Baby boys find mommy's makeup
 and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

 8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed.
 If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a
 dozen fake belches.

 9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too
 lazy to cut them.  Girls grow their fingernails long -
 not because they look nice - but because they can dig
 them into a boys arm.

 10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age.  At
 an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

 11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses.
 By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses
 unless he bribes them with candy.

 12. Most baby girls talk before boys do.  Before boys talk,
 they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

 13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie.  Boys will
 cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage
 Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.

 14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

Subj:     Dave Barry On Beauty (S420b, S668)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 2/8/2005

 Most men, I believe, think of themselves as average-looking.
 Men will think this even if their faces cause heart failure
 in cattle at a range of 300 yards. Being average does not
 bother them; average is fine, for men. This is why men
 never ask anybody how they look. Their primary form of
 beauty care is to shave themselves, which is essentially
 the same form of beauty care that they give to their lawns.
 If, at the end of his four-minute daily beauty regimen, a
 man has managed to wipe most of the shaving cream out of
 his hair and is not bleeding too badly, he feels that he
 has done all he can, so he stops thinking about his
 appearance and devotes his mind to more critical issues,
 such as the Super Bowl.

 Women do not look at themselves this way. If I had to
 express, in three words, what I believe most women think
 about their appearance, those words would be: "not good
 enough." No matter how attractive a woman may appear to be
 to others, when she looks at herself in the mirror, she
 thinks: woof. She thinks that at any moment a municipal
 animal-control officer is going to throw a net over her
 and haul her off to the shelter.

Subj:     I'd Rather Do It Myself... (S272c, DU)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/16/2002

 A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll
 do it myself; lets her.

 A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind,
 I'll do it myself," and he lets her; gets mad.

 A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind,
 I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad; says,
 "Now what are you mad about?"

 A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind,
 I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, and he
 says, "Now what are mad about?" says "If you don't know I'm
 not going to tell you."

Subj:     Why Men Will Never Win (S266, DU)
          From: ICohen on 3/4/2002

 If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her
    from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
 If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.

 If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
 If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

 If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay,
    it is exploitation.
 If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you
    should get off your rear and find something better.

 If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
 If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

 If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
 If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

 If you cry, you are a wimp.
 If you don't, you are insensitive.

 If you make a decision without consulting her,
    you are a chauvinist.
 If she makes a decision without consulting you,
    she's liberated woman.

 If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy,
    that's domination.
 If she asks you, it's a favor.

 If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear,
    you are a pervert.
 If you don't, you are gay.

 If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape,
    you are a sexist.
 If you don't, you are unromantic.

 If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
 If you don't, you are a slob.

 If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
 If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

 If you are proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself.
 If you don't, you are not ambitious.

 If she has a headache, she is tired.
 If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

 If you want it too often, you are over-sexed.
 If you don't, there must be someone else.

Subj:     The Differences Between Men And Women (S132, S784)
          From: TA989287 on 8/13/99
      and From: tom on 1/21/2012

 Silly stuff about gender diferences...Not to be taken
 seriously, Virginia

          Men and women are NOT alike.

 Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have
 proof!  After countless hours of surveys and studies on the
 following topics, these facts have emerged.

Men vs. Women

 On the subject of men:  I've been a member of the gender
 for 24 years.  I've stumbled through many of the stages of
 becoming a man, including wildly irregular voice changes at
 the age of 12, acne attacks in my teens, major crushes on
 girls who still do not know I am alive and periods of time
 when I knocked over or broke everything in sight because
 I had grown seven inches in four days.  Regarding women:
 You could take what I know about women and place this
 information in a hollowed-out walnut shell, and still have
 room left for a network executive's brain.  That has not
 stopped me from observing, questioning, applauding,
 admiring, and wondering about women.

 One basic truth:  Men and women are different.  Now, this
 may seem a little simplistic, but the fact is, for a period
 of about six months in 1973, it was very fashionable to
 believe that we were all persons first, and members of our
 gender second.  This, of course, was so much hooey.  We are
 different -- in our habits, and in the way we react to
 environmental  stimuli and the way we spend our leisure
 time; and we are especially different when it comes to our
 attitudes regarding relationships.  My personal observations
 have uncovered many significant differences between men and


 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relation-
 ship.  He refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were
 doing it on a semi-regular basis".

 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart
 out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All
 Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

 A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after
 the break- up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call
 and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life,
 and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a
 total floozy.  But I want you to know that there's always a
 chance for us".  This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love
 You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at
 least once.  There are community colleges that offer courses
 to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely
 prove effective.

Admitting Mistakes:

 Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.  The last man
 who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.


 A woman has the last word in any argument.
 Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


 A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, tooth-
 paste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel
 from the Holiday Inn.  The average number of items in the
 typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man would not be able
 to identify most of these items.

 Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves.
 Women's Restrooms always have long lines.


 Men take photography very seriously.  They'll shell out
 $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms
 and take photography classes.  Women purchase Kodak
 Instamatics.  Of course women always end up taking better


 Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women
 aren't looking, men kick cats.


 Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.
 Male cheerleaders are scary.


 Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room,
 watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges
 comes on.  Immediately, the men will get very excited;
 they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the
 actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge.  The woman will
 roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.


 Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow,
 great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have
 an Uzi that size.","Well, maybe he got it because he knew
 about those Mafia guys", etc. Women, not having this problem,
 try to initiate conversations with men by saying something
 agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely."  "Mm
 hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't
 it?" "Yeah."  Pause.  And so on.

David Letterman:

 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face
 of the Earth.  Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who
 always has a bad haircut.


 If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
 surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for
 directions.  Men consider this to be a sign of weakness.  Men
 will never stop and ask for directions.  Men will drive in a
 circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks
 like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in
 the general neighborhood.  I recognize that 7-11 store."

Dressing Up:

 A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,
 empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the
 mail.  A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Eating out:

 .. and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will
 each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.
 None of them will have anything smaller, and none will
 actually admit they want change back.  When the girls get
 their check, out come the pocket calculators.


 Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.  Men on a
 boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of
 which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"


 A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
 A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


 Women use garages to park their cars and store their
 lawnmowers.  Men use garages for many things.  They hang
 license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and
 they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Going Out:

 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready
 to go out.  When a woman says she is ready to go out, it
 means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her
 earring, finishes putting on her makeup...


 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to
 the store and buys these things.  A man waits till the only
 items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer.  Then
 he goes grocery shopping.  He buys everything that looks
 good.  By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his
 cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly
 Hillbillies.  Of course, this will not stop him from going
 to the 10-items-or-less lane.


 To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.
 They just chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored
 stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts.
 Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's".
 It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.  Even when
 she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of
 the note.


 Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.


 Women look nice when they wear jewelry.  A man can get
 away with wearing one ring and that's it.  Any more than
 that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.


 Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear
 every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical
 pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will
 do his laundry.  When he is finally out of clothes, he
 will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul
 and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.  Men
 always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.
 This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of
 "Love, American Style."

Leg Warmers:

 Leg warmers are sexy.  A woman, even if she's walking the
 dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers.
 She can wear them any time she wants.  A man can only wear
 leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball"
 number in "A Chorus Line."

Locker Rooms:

 In the locker room men talk about three things:  money,
 football, and women.  They exaggerate about money, they
 don't know football nearly as well as they think they do,
 and they fabricate stories about women.  Women talk about
 one thing in the locker room -- sex.  And not in abstract
 terms, either.  They are extremely graphic and technical,
 and they never lie.

Low Blows:

 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on
 TV.  One of the boxers is felled by a low blow.  The woman
 says "Oh, gee.  That must have hurt."  The man groans and
 doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.


 Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
 Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women.
 This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art,
 while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be
 seen by the light of day.  Men are turned on at the sight
 of a naked woman's body.  Most naked men elicit laughter
 from women.


 A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
 A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


 Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old
 females can function as adults.  Most 17-year-old males
 are still trading baseball cards and giving each other
 wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school
 romances rarely work out.


 When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a
 variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and
 biological changes.  The nature and degree of these
 changes varies with the individual.  Menopause in a man
 provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator glasses,
 a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
 shopping for a Porsche.


 Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a
 mirror.  Women are ridiculous; they will check out their
 reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store
 windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.


 Some men look good with moustaches.  Those men are Tom
 Selleck and Burt Reynolds.  There are no women who look
 good with moustaches.


 A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
 A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need
 but it's on sale.


 Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a
 nude scene.  This is because every movie in the history
 of movies has been produced by a man.  The only actor who
 has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
 This is another reason why men hate him.

 For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable
 kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With the
 Wind".  For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit
 in May Clark's face in "Public Enemy".


 Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed..
 Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for
 lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah
 and Michelle.  But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for
 a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other
 as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.


 Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She
 knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and
 romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret
 fears and hopes and dreams.  A man is vaguely aware of
 some short people living in the house.


 A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on
 vacation.  The man waters the plants.  The woman comes
 home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead
 plants.  No one knows why this happens.


 Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do
 political things such as voting.  Women are very happy
 that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and
 getting into politics because they will be able to campaign
 for them  and cry on election night.


 Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.  Women
 use restrooms as social lounges.  Men in a restroom will
 never speak a word to each other.  Women who've never met
 will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.
 And never in the history of the world has a man excused
 himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Bob, I
 was just about to take a leak.  Do you want to join me?"

 This difference may be due to the fact that women don't
 have to hold their genitals in the bathroom, which might
 make one feel self-conscious.  Not having this problem,
 women can chat away quite comfortably while "powdering
 their noses".  And yes, they are talking about men in
 their chats.

 Another theory is that when women "powder their noses",
 all they have to do is sit there.  What else is there for
 them to do but talk to other women.  Men, however, must
 be much more attentive to such matters.  If a male turns
 too much to talk to someone, he'll be leaking on his shoe.
 Men must be very serious and patient because heaven only
 knows if the stream of urine will suddenly change direction.
 And after all is done, men must try to remove any excess
 moisture unless he soils his underwear. And unlike women,
 there is no tissue paper nearby with which to wipe.  A man
 must use his own skills at "towel snapping" to do the job.
 But no man wants to shake it forever because he might look
 like he's playing with himself.  The shaking routine also
 varies culturally as most men in the U.K. are 'pullers' as
 opposed to 'shakers'. Of course, no matter how much a man
 shakes or pulls, chances are still good that he'll get that
 little dribble down the leg, which will expand to the size
 of Lake Ontario if he is wearing synthetics.  After the
 shaking or pulling comes the tucking-it-all-back-in routine,
 where the male tries to not leave anything delicate in the
 path of the approaching zipper.  As the men are all leaving
 the restroom, trying to button up their Levi's, they are
 still trying not to look as if they're playing with themselves.
 For a man, a trip to the bathroom is a very serious matter.
 You wouldn't gossip and chatter at a board meeting would you?

 For the male, there are also the considerations like seeing
 how far up the trough he can pee, bombing the cigarette butt,
 peeling off the killer fart that he didn't want to loose off
 at the bar and, his favorite, making that grunt/sigh noise as
 the first gush lets go, sort of a "Nnnngwwwwwaaaaa".  Actually,
 that's about the time the first fart goes too.

Richard Gere:

 Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous
 way.  Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that
 slick guy who works at the health club and dates only
 married women.


 Same as above, but reversed.  Same reason.


 Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30-40
 seconds of foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her
 place as part of the foreplay.


 When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool
 suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers.  She will carry
 her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks.  When a woman
 gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes.  Five
 minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are
 under the desk.  A man will wear the same pair of shoes all


 Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.
 Women wear strange socks.  Socks that are cut way below the
 ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big
 fuzzy ball on the back.

Sports Arenas:

 Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and
 arenas.  The women

 (this one is missing)


 When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more
 minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man
 says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither
 of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.


 Little girls love to play with toys.  Then when they reach
 the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.  Men never grow out
 of their obsession with toys.  As they get older, their toys
 simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.
 Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's.  Car phones.
 Complicated juicers and blenders.  Graphic equalizers.  Small
 robots that serve cocktails on command.  Video games.
 Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D"
 batteries to operate.


 Colored underwear.  Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to
 wear colored underwear.  There is no reason for a man to ever,
 ever, wear anything besides solid white.


 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the
 ceremony".  Men talk about "the bachelor party".

The Telephone:

 Men see the telephone as a communication tool.  They use the
 telephone to send short messages to other people.  A woman
 can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning
 home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for
 three hours.

 A married man should forget his mistakes.
 There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Subj:     Man Discovered Woman (S452, DU)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 9/9/2005
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj:     Relationships! (S628)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 1/21/2009

 (See 'What Woman And Man Think During Date' in DATING2)
          By: DAVE BARRY
Photo from

 CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to
 develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually
 fulfilling relationship with a guy.  Of course this guy
 has to be a Labrador retriever.  With human guys, it's
 extremely difficult.  This is because guys don't really
 grasp what women mean by the term relationship.

 Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named
 Elaine.  He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have
 a pretty good time.  A few nights later he asks her out to
 dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.  They continue to
 see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of
 them is seeing anybody else.

 And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought
 occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it
 aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been
 seeing each other for exactly six months?''

 And then there is silence in the car.  To Elaine, it seems
 like a very loud silence.  She thinks to herself: Geez, I
 wonder if it bothers him that I said that.  Maybe he's been
 feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm
 trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he
 doesn't want, or isn't sure of.  And Roger is thinking:
 Gosh. Six months.

 And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want
 this kind of relationship, either.  Sometimes I wish I had
 a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether
 I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving
 steadily toward... I mean, where are we going?  Are we just
 going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy?
 Are we heading toward marriage?  Toward children?  Toward a
 lifetime together?  Am I ready for that level of commitment?
 Do I really even know this person?

 And Roger is thinking...so that means it was...let's see...
 February when we started going out, which was right after I
 had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the
 odometer... Whoa!  I am way overdue for an oil change here.

 And Elaine is thinking: He's upset.  I can see it on his face.
 Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more
 from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe
 he has sensed it even before I sensed it, that I was feeling
 some reservations.  Yes, I bet that's it.  That's why he's so
 reluctant to say anything about his own feelings.  He's afraid
 of being rejected.

 And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
 transmission again.  I don't care what those morons say, it's
 still not shifting right.  And they better not try to blame
 it on the cold weather this time.  What cold weather?  It's
 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn
 garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.


 And Elaine is thinking: He's angry.  And I don't blame him.
 I'd be angry, too.  God, I feel so guilty, putting him
 through this, but I can't help the way I feel.  I'm just
 not sure.

 And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
 warranty.  That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

 And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting
 for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm
 sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy
 being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems
 to truly care about me.  A person who is in pain because of my
 self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

 And Roger is thinking: Warranty?  They want a warranty?  I'll
 give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick
 it right up their...

 ''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.

 ''What?'' says Roger, startled.

 ''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes
 beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have...Oh
 God, I feel so...'' (She breaks down, sobbing.)

 ''What?'' says Roger.

 ''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no
 knight.  I really know that.  It's silly.  There's no knight,
 and there's no horse.''

 ''There's no horse?'' says Roger.

 ''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.

 ''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

 ''It's just that... It's that I...I need some time,''  Elaine

 (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast
 as he can, tries to come up with a safe response.  Finally
 he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

 ''Yes,'' he says.


 (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) ''Oh, Roger, do
 you really feel that way?'' she says.

 ''What way?'' says Roger.

 ''That way about time,'' says Elaine.

 ''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''

 (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes,
 causing him to become very nervous about what she might
 say next, especially if it involves a horse.  At last she

 ''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.

 ''Thank you,'' says Roger.

 Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a
 conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas
 when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of
 Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply
 involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two
 Czechoslovakians he never heard of.  A tiny voice in the
 far recesses of his mind tells him that something major
 was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure
 there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he
 figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
 (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)


 The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or
 perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this
 situation for six straight hours.  In painstaking detail,
 they will analyze everything she said and everything he
 said, going over it time and time again, exploring every
 word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning,
 considering every possible ramification.  They will
 continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks,
 maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions,
 but never getting bored with it, either.  Meanwhile,
 Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
 friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before
 serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own
 a horse?''

 We're not talking about different wavelengths here.
 We're talking about different planets, in completely
 different solar systems.  Elaine cannot communicate
 meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any
 more than she can meaningfully play chess with a duck.
 Because the sum total of Roger's thinking on this
 particular topic is as follows:


 But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a
 woman, and you want to have a successful relationship
 with a guy, the No. 1 tip to remember is:

 1. Never assume that the guy understands that you and he
 have a relationship.  The guy will not realize this on
 his own.  You have to plant the idea in his brain by
 constantly making subtle references to it in your
 everyday conversation, such as:

 ''Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low,
 inasmuch as we have a relationship?''

 ''Wake up, Roger!  There's a prowler in the den and we
 have a relationship!  You and I do, I mean.''

 ''Good News, Roger!  The gynecologist says we're going to
 have our fourth child, which will serve as yet another
 indication that we have a relationship!''

 ''Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably
 have only about a minute to live, I want you to know that
 we've had a wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which
 clearly constitutes a relationship.''

 Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept,
 and eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain.
 Some day he might even start thinking about it on his own.
 He'll be talking with some other guys about women, and, out
 of the blue, he'll say, ''Elaine and I, we have, ummm . . .
 We have, ahhh...We... We have this thing.''

 And he will sincerely mean it.

 The next relationship-enhancement tip is:

 2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment. By
 ''hasty,''  I mean, ''within your lifetime.''  Guys are
 extremely reluctant to make commitments.  This is because
 they never feel ready.

 ''I'm sorry,'' guys are always telling women, ''but I'm
 just not ready to make a commitment.''  Guys are in a
 permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey
 breasts, you could put them in a 350- degree oven on July
 Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving.

 From the book, "Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys" by Dave
 Barry, c 1995 by Dave Barry. Reprinted with the permission of
 Random House Inc. Distributed by Tribune Media Services Inc.

 The following comments are those of Bill Hall who is a
 syndicated humor columnist for the Lewiston Morning Tribune
 in Lewiston, Idaho.

Subj:     Who Says Women Aren't Different?

 I don't care what anybody says.  In my age group, there are
 still several major differences between men and women beyond
 the obvious ones.  I'll leave others to fret over whether
 those differences are natural or primarily a consequence of
 conditioning, but differences do exist.  They do not necessarily
 indicate male supremacy, but they do tend to tilt one in that

 Consider bathing, for instance.  As a general rule, middle-
 aged women take baths at night.  The men shower each morning.
 The men like to go to bed dirty and go to work clean.  Women
 prefer to go to bed clean and to work dirty.  That's why men
 usually take their coffee breaks with other men.

 Women read more boring magazines than men.  They read silly,
 pedestrian magazines filled with articles on making quilts,
 turning bleach bottles into stunning centerpieces, the use
 of orange eyeshadow and how to get men to shower before
 going to bed instead of before going to work.

 Men read sensible, intellectual journals on how to catch
 fish and kill little animals.

 When a man cooks, he keeps his knives sharp.  Most female
 cooks don't.  Indeed, most female cooks don't even own a
 decent kitchen knife, let alone a sharp one.

 Female cooks offer the excuse that they would cut themselves
 if they had a sharp knife.  And anyone with knives that
 lousy probably would.

 There is another difference between male and female cooks.
 Female cooks generally cook better with dull knives than
 male cooks do with sharp knives.  That's how infuriating
 female cooks can be.

 Most women in my age group wear dresses occasionally.  Only
 a few of my male friends do and then only in the privacy
 of their own homes.

 The women hobble around on high-heeled shoes.  Most men
 would never do anything that silly.  In fact, there is a
 name for the kind of men who wear high heels.  They are
 called cowboys.

 Women laugh at men for wearing neckties and coats on 100-
 degree summer days.  They snicker at men for wearing more
 clothes than necessary in hot weather.  However, the women
 who do that are sweating in their pantyhose.

 Most women in my age group wear make-up.  Very few of the
 men do.  There is a name for men who wear make-up.  They
 are called weird cowboys.

 Women are far more likely to be lousy tippers in restaurants,
 and to complain thereafter that men always get better service
 than they do.

 Women fold their underwear.  Most men merely stuff their
 underwear into the drawer.  Men use the time they save to
 catch fish and kill little animals.

 Most men move through the ranks of business so easily that
 he eventually reaches a level where he is incompetent.  Dr.
 Laurence J. Peter has dubbed this process the Peter Principle.

 Women in my age group tend to be held below the level of
 their competence, making them embarrassing to work with
 because they tend to outshine male colleagues at the same

 This is known as the Pain-in-the-Neck Principle.  Incompetent
 men who have been subjected to that humiliation retaliate by
 refusing to promote women.  And rightly so.  You don't want
 people in the board room who don't shower each morning.

 Copyright (C) 1983 by Lewiston Morning Tribune

Subj: The Difference Between Male And Female Birds
      From: gattica30 on 3/7/2006  (S477b in Birds)

 To view this excellent explanation for identifying a birds
 sex, please click 'HERE' to see the GIF.

                           -(o o)-
.........................From Smiley_Central