Subj: Differences1 between Men And Women
(Includes 13 jokes and articles, 20 1045n,5,cf,wXT5a,1)
Couple in Love
Accent on Animation
Also see BANKING file - 'ATM
COMPUTERS4 - 'Computer Gender?'
DATING2 file - 'What Woman And Man Think During Date'
DATING3 file - 'Relationships Before And After'
DRINKING - 'Men And Women On Wine'
DRNK_BEER-SUP- 'Critical Thinking At Its Best!'
ENGLISH file - 'English Professor And Punctuation'
......................- 'If English Words Had Gender'
MARRIAGE4 - 'The Game Of Romance: How To Keep Score'
MEN2 file - 'A Man Doesn't Say...'
......................- 'Male-to-English Dictionary'
......................- 'Rate Yourself w/Women'
MEN3 file - 'A Man's "50 Rules For Women"'
MEN4 file - 'Cute, Handsome And Ugly Men'
MENQUESTIONS - 'Male Or Female?'
......................- '5 Toughest Questions For Men'
MENandWOMEN2 - 'Remote Controls For Men And Women'
MOTHERS file - 'I'll Never Understand My Wife'
QUOTES2 file - 'Great Quotes Of Men, Women, And Relationships'
QUO-COMED-SUP- 'Jerry Seinfeld On Men And Women' - Video
WOMEN2 file - 'What I Want In A Man'
......................- 'The Rules'
WOMEN3 file - 'Woman's Dictionary'
WORD JOKES2 - 'Daily Words Used By Men And Women'
Subj: Zits Comic Strip (DU)
by Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman on 1/8/2014
Subj: Female Brain Cell In A Man (S326, S604)
From: gheckman on 4/30/2003
Once upon a time, there was a
female brain cell which, by
mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously,
but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried... but no answer. "Is there anyone here?"
She cried a little louder, but still no answer....
Now the female brain cell started
to feel alone and scared
and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away ...
"Hello - we're all down here..."
Subj: 78 Genes Seperate Men From Women (S364, DU)
From: jerry on 1/16/2004
Is it all in the Genes? Or is it in the Jeans?
Scientists decoding the human
genome have discovered that
just 78 genes separate men from women," says the BBC News
"But what are [their differences]?" Some of its readers
of BoneheadOfTheDayAward reply these genes cause the following:
"Men have no opinion about curtains." Stuart Maconie
weddings, women cry and then get drunk. Men get
drunk, then cry." Debby, Britain
speak in sentences. Women speak in paragraphs."
Steve Munoz, U.S.
you told a woman that you had just returned from a
trip to the surface of the Moon, she would show her
interest by asking who you had gone with." Howard, Britain
will hear you open a beer from three rooms away."
cannot watch sports and talk to their wives at the
same time." Lisa, Canada
talk during the show but not during the
commercials." Mark, US
could never invent weapons that kill, only ones
that make you feel really bad and guilty until you
surrender." Dan, Britain
like to have all their stuff (DVDs, CDs, etc) on
show to impress their mates. Women like to hide things
in cupboards. Mark Nelson, UK
appreciate the importance of a 42-inch plasma screen.
Women do not. Jonathan, UK
men, 2am is time for sleep. For women, 2am is time
for a discussion about where our relationship is going.
know that common house spiders are far less dangerous
than scorpions. John S, UK
Women enjoy planning a wedding. Tom Howes, UK
pee together. Men do not acknowledge, let alone
speak, to each other when peeing. Angus, London
think that a good place to keep the TV controller
is on top of the TV. Christopher, UK
put things on the bottom stair to take up next time
she has to go upstairs. Men just step over them until
told to pick them up. Karen Kelsey, UK
can balance an infinite amount of rubbish in the bin,
without noticing it is full. Yvonne Eccles, England
use I or me when they should use we or us. Women use
we or us when they should use I or me. Clair, England
Female Or Shemale (S518)
From: edapsmas on 12/14/2006
Source: (Removed from joeschwartz.net/shemale/)
Can you tell the difference between
a female and a shemale?
Take this sixteen question quiz by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Boys And Girls Are Born Equal But Not The Same (S559)
From: AFine963 on 10/3/2007
"Equal" is not always synonymous
with "the same." Men and
women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born
1. You throw a little girl a
ball, and it will hit her in
the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try
to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl
in her Easter Sunday best,
and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it
to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter
Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from
your home to the church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy.
Girls' rooms are usually
messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a
stick and look in wonderment
at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick
and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie
and Ken dolls, they like to
dress them up and play house with them. When boys play
with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their
6. Boys couldn't care less if
their hair is unruly. If
their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would
rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be
seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup
and almost instinctively
start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup
and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidentally burps,
she will be embarrassed.
If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a
dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails
long because they're too
lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long -
not because they look nice - but because they can dig
them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys,
even at an early age. At
an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will
stop giving their dad kisses.
By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses
unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before
boys do. Before boys talk,
they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone
dies in a movie. Boys will
cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
Subj: Dave Barry On Beauty (S420b, S668)
From: LABLaughsClean on 2/8/2005
Most men, I believe, think of
themselves as average-looking.
Men will think this even if their faces cause heart failure
in cattle at a range of 300 yards. Being average does not
bother them; average is fine, for men. This is why men
never ask anybody how they look. Their primary form of
beauty care is to shave themselves, which is essentially
the same form of beauty care that they give to their lawns.
If, at the end of his four-minute daily beauty regimen, a
man has managed to wipe most of the shaving cream out of
his hair and is not bleeding too badly, he feels that he
has done all he can, so he stops thinking about his
appearance and devotes his mind to more critical issues,
such as the Super Bowl.
Women do not look at themselves
this way. If I had to
express, in three words, what I believe most women think
about their appearance, those words would be: "not good
enough." No matter how attractive a woman may appear to be
to others, when she looks at herself in the mirror, she
thinks: woof. She thinks that at any moment a municipal
animal-control officer is going to throw a net over her
and haul her off to the shelter.
Subj: I'd Rather Do It Myself... (S272c, DU)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/16/2002
A man is a person who, if a woman
says, "Never mind, I'll
do it myself; lets her.
A woman is a person who, if she
says to a man, "Never mind,
I'll do it myself," and he lets her; gets mad.
A man is a person who, if a woman
says to him, "Never mind,
I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad; says,
"Now what are you mad about?"
A woman is a person who, if she
says to a man, "Never mind,
I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, and he
says, "Now what are mad about?" says "If you don't know I'm
not going to tell you."
Subj: Why Men Will Never Win (S266, DU)
From: ICohen on 3/4/2002
If you put a woman on a pedestal
and try to protect her
from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is
never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive
job with low pay,
it is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you
should get off your rear and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead
of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks,
it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are insensitive.
If you make a decision without
you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you,
she's liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something
she doesn't enjoy,
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female
form and frilly underwear,
you are a pervert.
If you don't, you are gay.
If you like a woman to shave
her legs and keep in shape,
you are a sexist.
If you don't, you are unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in
shape, you are vain.
If you don't, you are a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you are
If you don't, you are not thoughtful.
If you are proud of your achievements,
you are full of yourself.
If you don't, you are not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she is
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you
If you don't, there must be someone else.
Subj: The Differences Between Men And Women (S132, S784)
From: TA989287 on 8/13/99
and From: tom on 1/21/2012
Silly stuff about gender diferences...Not
to be taken
Men and women are NOT alike.
Sure, you thought you already
knew that. But now we have
proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the
following topics, these facts have emerged.
Men vs. Women
On the subject of men:
I've been a member of the gender
for 24 years. I've stumbled through many of the stages of
becoming a man, including wildly irregular voice changes at
the age of 12, acne attacks in my teens, major crushes on
girls who still do not know I am alive and periods of time
when I knocked over or broke everything in sight because
I had grown seven inches in four days. Regarding women:
You could take what I know about women and place this
information in a hollowed-out walnut shell, and still have
room left for a network executive's brain. That has not
stopped me from observing, questioning, applauding,
admiring, and wondering about women.
One basic truth: Men and
women are different. Now, this
may seem a little simplistic, but the fact is, for a period
of about six months in 1973, it was very fashionable to
believe that we were all persons first, and members of our
gender second. This, of course, was so much hooey. We are
different -- in our habits, and in the way we react to
environmental stimuli and the way we spend our leisure
time; and we are especially different when it comes to our
attitudes regarding relationships. My personal observations
have uncovered many significant differences between men and
First of all, a man does not
call a relationship a relation-
ship. He refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were
doing it on a semi-regular basis".
When a relationship ends, a woman
will cry and pour her heart
out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All
Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble
letting go. Six months after
the break- up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call
and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life,
and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a
total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a
chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love
You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at
least once. There are community colleges that offer courses
to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely
Women will sometimes admit making
a mistake. The last man
who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
A woman has the last word in
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A man has six items in his bathroom
- a toothbrush, tooth-
paste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel
from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the
typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able
to identify most of these items.
Most men take only 2-3 minutes
to relieve themselves.
Women's Restrooms always have long lines.
Men take photography very seriously.
They'll shell out
$4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms
and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak
Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better
Women love cats. Men say
they love cats, but when women
aren't looking, men kick cats.
Female cheerleaders are cute,
sexy, fresh, and all-American.
Male cheerleaders are scary.
Let's say a small group of men
and women are in a room,
watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges
comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited;
they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the
actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The woman will
roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
Men need a good disagreement
to get talking, e.g., "Wow,
great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have
an Uzi that size.","Well, maybe he got it because he knew
about those Mafia guys", etc. Women, not having this problem,
try to initiate conversations with men by saying something
agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm
hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't
it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.
Men think David Letterman is
the funniest man on the face
of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who
always has a bad haircut.
If a woman is out driving, and
she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for
directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men
will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a
circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks
like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in
the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."
A woman will dress up to: go
shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the
mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
.. and when the check comes,
Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will
each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.
None of them will have anything smaller, and none will
actually admit they want change back. When the girls get
their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Women on a girls' night out talk
the whole time. Men on a
boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of
which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"
A woman worries about the future
until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Women use garages to park their
cars and store their
lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang
license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and
they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
When a man says he is ready to
go out, it means he is ready
to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it
means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her
earring, finishes putting on her makeup...
A woman makes a list of things
she needs and then goes to
the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only
items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then
he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks
good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his
cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going
to the 10-items-or-less lane.
To their credit, men do not decorate
They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored
stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts.
Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's".
It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of
Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.
Women look nice when they wear
jewelry. A man can get
away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than
that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Women do laundry every couple
of days. A man will wear
every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical
pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will
do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he
will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul
and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men
always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.
This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of
"Love, American Style."
Leg warmers are sexy. A
woman, even if she's walking the
dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers.
She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear
leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball"
number in "A Chorus Line."
In the locker room men talk about
three things: money,
football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they
don't know football nearly as well as they think they do,
and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about
one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract
terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical,
and they never lie.
Let's say a man and woman are
watching a boxing match on
TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman
says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and
doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.
Men's magazines often feature
pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women.
This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art,
while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be
seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight
of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter
A woman marries a man expecting
he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
Women mature much faster than
men. Most 17-year-old
females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males
are still trading baseball cards and giving each other
wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out.
When a woman reaches menopause,
she goes through a
variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and
biological changes. The nature and degree of these
changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man
provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator glasses,
a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for a Porsche.
Men are vain; they will always
check themselves out in a
mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their
reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store
windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.
Some men look good with moustaches.
Those men are Tom
Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look
good with moustaches.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need
but it's on sale.
Every actress in the history
of movies has had to do a
nude scene. This is because every movie in the history
of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who
has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.
For women, their favorite movie
scene is when Clark Gable
kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With the
Wind". For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit
in May Clark's face in "Public Enemy".
Men wake up as good-looking as
they went to bed..
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and
Michelle get together for
lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah
and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for
a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other
as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.
Ah, children. A woman knows
all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and
romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret
fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of
some short people living in the house.
A woman asks a man to water her
plants while she is on
vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes
home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead
plants. No one knows why this happens.
Men love to talk politics, but
often they forget to do
political things such as voting. Women are very happy
that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and
getting into politics because they will be able to campaign
for them and cry on election night.
Men use restrooms for purely
biological reasons. Women
use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will
never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met
will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.
And never in the history of the world has a man excused
himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Bob, I
was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
This difference may be due to
the fact that women don't
have to hold their genitals in the bathroom, which might
make one feel self-conscious. Not having this problem,
women can chat away quite comfortably while "powdering
their noses". And yes, they are talking about men in
Another theory is that when women
"powder their noses",
all they have to do is sit there. What else is there for
them to do but talk to other women. Men, however, must
be much more attentive to such matters. If a male turns
too much to talk to someone, he'll be leaking on his shoe.
Men must be very serious and patient because heaven only
knows if the stream of urine will suddenly change direction.
And after all is done, men must try to remove any excess
moisture unless he soils his underwear. And unlike women,
there is no tissue paper nearby with which to wipe. A man
must use his own skills at "towel snapping" to do the job.
But no man wants to shake it forever because he might look
like he's playing with himself. The shaking routine also
varies culturally as most men in the U.K. are 'pullers' as
opposed to 'shakers'. Of course, no matter how much a man
shakes or pulls, chances are still good that he'll get that
little dribble down the leg, which will expand to the size
of Lake Ontario if he is wearing synthetics. After the
shaking or pulling comes the tucking-it-all-back-in routine,
where the male tries to not leave anything delicate in the
path of the approaching zipper. As the men are all leaving
the restroom, trying to button up their Levi's, they are
still trying not to look as if they're playing with themselves.
For a man, a trip to the bathroom is a very serious matter.
You wouldn't gossip and chatter at a board meeting would you?
For the male, there are also
the considerations like seeing
how far up the trough he can pee, bombing the cigarette butt,
peeling off the killer fart that he didn't want to loose off
at the bar and, his favorite, making that grunt/sigh noise as
the first gush lets go, sort of a "Nnnngwwwwwaaaaa". Actually,
that's about the time the first fart goes too.
Women like Richard Gere because
he is sexy in a dangerous
way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that
slick guy who works at the health club and dates only
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of
foreplay. Men prefer 30-40
seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her
place as part of the foreplay.
When preparing for work, a woman
will put on a Mondi wool
suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry
her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman
gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five
minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are
under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all
Men wear sensible socks.
They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the
ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big
fuzzy ball on the back.
Simply put, men can always find
their way around stadiums and
arenas. The women
(this one is missing)
When a woman says she'll be ready
to go out in five more
minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man
says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither
of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
Little girls love to play with
toys. Then when they reach
the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out
of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys
simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.
Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones.
Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small
robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games.
Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D"
batteries to operate.
Colored underwear. Women
are allowed, in fact encouraged, to
wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever,
ever, wear anything besides solid white.
When reminiscing about weddings,
women talk about "the
ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".
Men see the telephone as a communication
tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman
can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning
home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Subj: Man Discovered Woman (S452, DU)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 9/9/2005
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: Relationships! (S628)
From: LABLaughsClean on 1/21/2009
Woman And Man Think During Date' in DATING2)
"SHE DRIVES FOR A RELATIONSHIP-
HE'S LOST IN THE TRANSMISSION"
By: DAVE BARRY
CONTRARY to what many women believe,
it's fairly easy to
develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually
fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy
has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's
extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really
grasp what women mean by the term relationship.
Let's say a guy named Roger is
attracted to a woman named
Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have
a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to
dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to
see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of
them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're
driving home, a thought
occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it
aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been
seeing each other for exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in
the car. To Elaine, it seems
like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I
wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been
feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm
trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he
doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking:
Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But,
hey, I'm not so sure I want
this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had
a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether
I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving
steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just
going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy?
Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a
lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment?
Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking...so that
means it was...let's see...
February when we started going out, which was right after I
had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the
odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's
upset. I can see it on his face.
Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more
from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe
he has sensed it even before I sensed it, that I was feeling
some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so
reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid
of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm
gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's
still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame
it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's
87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn
garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's
angry. And I don't blame him.
I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him
through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just
And Roger is thinking: They'll
probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe
I'm just too idealistic, waiting
for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm
sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy
being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems
to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my
self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty?
They want a warranty? I'll
give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick
it right up their...
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
''What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself
like this,'' she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have...Oh
God, I feel so...'' (She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs.
''I mean, I know there's no
knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight,
and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that... It's that
I...I need some time,'' Elaine
(There is a 15-second pause while
Roger, thinking as fast
as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally
he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
A BEFUDDLED BEAU
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches
his hand.) ''Oh, Roger, do
you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and
gazes deeply into his eyes,
causing him to become very nervous about what she might
say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she
lies on her bed, a
conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas
when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of
Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply
involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two
Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the
far recesses of his mind tells him that something major
was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure
there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he
figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
(This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
IT'S ANALYSIS TIME
The next day Elaine will call
her closest friend, or
perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this
situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail,
they will analyze everything she said and everything he
said, going over it time and time again, exploring every
word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning,
considering every possible ramification. They will
continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks,
maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions,
but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile,
Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before
serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own
We're not talking about different
We're talking about different planets, in completely
different solar systems. Elaine cannot communicate
meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any
more than she can meaningfully play chess with a duck.
Because the sum total of Roger's thinking on this
particular topic is as follows:
But the point I'm trying to make
is that, if you're a
woman, and you want to have a successful relationship
with a guy, the No. 1 tip to remember is:
1. Never assume that the guy
understands that you and he
have a relationship. The guy will not realize this on
his own. You have to plant the idea in his brain by
constantly making subtle references to it in your
everyday conversation, such as:
''Roger, would you mind passing
me a Sweet 'n' Low,
inasmuch as we have a relationship?''
''Wake up, Roger! There's
a prowler in the den and we
have a relationship! You and I do, I mean.''
''Good News, Roger! The
gynecologist says we're going to
have our fourth child, which will serve as yet another
indication that we have a relationship!''
''Roger, inasmuch as this plane
is crashing and we probably
have only about a minute to live, I want you to know that
we've had a wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which
clearly constitutes a relationship.''
Never let up, women. Pound away
relentlessly at this concept,
and eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain.
Some day he might even start thinking about it on his own.
He'll be talking with some other guys about women, and, out
of the blue, he'll say, ''Elaine and I, we have, ummm . . .
We have, ahhh...We... We have this thing.''
And he will sincerely mean it.
The next relationship-enhancement tip is:
2. Do not expect the guy to make
a hasty commitment. By
''hasty,'' I mean, ''within your lifetime.'' Guys are
extremely reluctant to make commitments. This is because
they never feel ready.
''I'm sorry,'' guys are always
telling women, ''but I'm
just not ready to make a commitment.'' Guys are in a
permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey
breasts, you could put them in a 350- degree oven on July
Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving.
From the book, "Dave Barry's
Complete Guide to Guys" by Dave
Barry, c 1995 by Dave Barry. Reprinted with the permission of
Random House Inc. Distributed by Tribune Media Services Inc.
The following comments are those of Bill Hall who is a
syndicated humor columnist for the Lewiston Morning Tribune
in Lewiston, Idaho.
Subj: Who Says Women Aren't Different?
I don't care what anybody says.
In my age group, there are
still several major differences between men and women beyond
the obvious ones. I'll leave others to fret over whether
those differences are natural or primarily a consequence of
conditioning, but differences do exist. They do not necessarily
indicate male supremacy, but they do tend to tilt one in that
Consider bathing, for instance.
As a general rule, middle-
aged women take baths at night. The men shower each morning.
The men like to go to bed dirty and go to work clean. Women
prefer to go to bed clean and to work dirty. That's why men
usually take their coffee breaks with other men.
Women read more boring magazines
than men. They read silly,
pedestrian magazines filled with articles on making quilts,
turning bleach bottles into stunning centerpieces, the use
of orange eyeshadow and how to get men to shower before
going to bed instead of before going to work.
Men read sensible, intellectual
journals on how to catch
fish and kill little animals.
When a man cooks, he keeps his
knives sharp. Most female
cooks don't. Indeed, most female cooks don't even own a
decent kitchen knife, let alone a sharp one.
Female cooks offer the excuse
that they would cut themselves
if they had a sharp knife. And anyone with knives that
lousy probably would.
There is another difference between
male and female cooks.
Female cooks generally cook better with dull knives than
male cooks do with sharp knives. That's how infuriating
female cooks can be.
Most women in my age group wear
dresses occasionally. Only
a few of my male friends do and then only in the privacy
of their own homes.
The women hobble around on high-heeled
shoes. Most men
would never do anything that silly. In fact, there is a
name for the kind of men who wear high heels. They are
Women laugh at men for wearing
neckties and coats on 100-
degree summer days. They snicker at men for wearing more
clothes than necessary in hot weather. However, the women
who do that are sweating in their pantyhose.
Most women in my age group wear
make-up. Very few of the
men do. There is a name for men who wear make-up. They
are called weird cowboys.
Women are far more likely to
be lousy tippers in restaurants,
and to complain thereafter that men always get better service
than they do.
Women fold their underwear.
Most men merely stuff their
underwear into the drawer. Men use the time they save to
catch fish and kill little animals.
Most men move through the ranks
of business so easily that
he eventually reaches a level where he is incompetent. Dr.
Laurence J. Peter has dubbed this process the Peter Principle.
Women in my age group tend to
be held below the level of
their competence, making them embarrassing to work with
because they tend to outshine male colleagues at the same
This is known as the Pain-in-the-Neck
men who have been subjected to that humiliation retaliate by
refusing to promote women. And rightly so. You don't want
people in the board room who don't shower each morning.
Copyright (C) 1983 by Lewiston Morning Tribune
||Subj: The Difference Between
Male And Female Birds
From: gattica30 on 3/7/2006 (S477b in Birds)
To view this excellent explanation
for identifying a birds
sex, please click 'HERE' to see the GIF.