Subj: Differences2 between Men And Women (Gz)
(Includes 19 jokes and articles)
Old Couple and the Kama Sutra
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Subj: Differences2 between Men And Women (Gz) (Includes 19 jokes and articles) |
|
Old Couple and the Kama Sutra from Free Animated Pics |
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| Subj:
Tale of Two Brains (S578)
By Mark Gungor From: gordonschuk on 1/29/2008 |
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Laugh your way to a better marriage.
Mark Gungor explains
the differences between men
and women's brains. You can
view this movie at the source
above, or on my site by
clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Man
And Woman Discover (S506)
From: LABLaughsClean on 10/5/2006
Man discovered weapons, invented
hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented
furs.
Man discovered colors, invented
painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented
make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented
conversation.
Woman discovered conversation,
invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented
food.
Woman discovered food, invented
diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented
love.
Woman discovered love, invented
marriage.
Man discovered woman, invented
sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented
headache.
Man discovered trade, invented
money.
Woman discovered money, and
it was a complete mess
after that.
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Subj: Geography
Of A Woman/Man (S280b, S480c)
From: ICohen on 6/10/2002
and
From: cappucinid on 4/4/2006
The Geography Of A Woman
Between 18 and 20 a woman is
like Africa, half discovered,
half wild, naturally beautiful
with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is
like America, well developed
and open to trade especially
for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like
India, very hot, relaxed
and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is
like France. Gently aging
but still a warm and desirable
place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like
Yugoslavia, lost the war -
haunted by past mistakes. Massive
reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like
Russia, very wide and
borders are unpatrolled. The
frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is
like Mongolia, with a
glorious and all conquering
past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan.
Most everyone knows
where it is, but no one wants
to go there.
The Geography Of A Man
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
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Subj: Girl's/Boy's
Prayers (S280, S497b)
From: KMACINTY on 6/10/2002
and
From: jtgalvan on 7/29/2006
A Girl's Prayer:
Lord, before I lay me down to
sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a
creep,
One who's handsome, smart and
strong,
One who's willy's thick and
long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't
wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't
be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens
my door,
Massages my back and begs to
do more.
Oh send me a man who will make
love to my mind,
Knows what to say, when I ask
"How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love 'till my
body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden
and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love
me no end,
And never attempt to shag my
best friend.
And as I kneel to pray beside
my bed,
I look at the shmuck you sent
me instead.
Amen.
A Boy's Prayer:
Lord, I pray for a woman with
big tits.
Amen.
\\\//
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Subj: How
Men ? Women Shower (S136, S405b)
From: thebartend on 9/3/99
and
From: hellgunner50 on 10/20/2004
How To Shower Like A Woman
1. Take off clothing and place
it in sectioned laundry
hamper according
to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing
long dressing gown. If you
see your
boyfriend or husband along the way, cover up
any exposed
flesh and rush to bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique
in the mirror and stick
out your
gut so that you can complain and whine even
more about
how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for
facecloth, armcloth,
legcloth,
long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with
Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo
with 83 added
vitamins
6. Wash your hair again with
Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo
with 83 added
vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with
Cucumber and Lamfrey
conditioner
enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave
on hair for
fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed
apricot facial scrub for
ten minutes
until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body
with Ginger Nut and Jaffa
Cake body
wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair
(this takes at least
fifteen minutes
as you must make sure that it has all
come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider
shaving bikini area
but decide
to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband
flushes the
toilet and
you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces
in shower. Spray mold
spots with
Tilex.
15. Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a
small African
country. Wrap hair in super absorbent
second towel.
16. Check entire body for the
remotest sign of a zit.
Attack with
nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing
long dressing gown and towel
on head.
18. If you see your boyfriend/husband
along the way, cover
up any exposed
flesh and then rush to bedroom to spend
an hour and
a half getting dressed.
How To Shower Like A Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting
on the edge of the bed
and leave
them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see your girlfriend/
wife along
the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique
in the mirror and suck in
your gut
to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size
of your penis
in the mirror, scratch your balls and
smell your
fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for
a washcloth. (you don't
use one)
6. Wash your face
7. Wash your armpits
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain
and look at yourself
in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower)
15. Rinse off and get out of
the shower. Fail to notice
water on
the floor because you left the curtain hang
out of the
tub the whole time.
16. Partial dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror,
flex muscles. Admire
dick size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with
towel around your waist.
If you pass
your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel,
grab your
penis, go "Yeahbaby" and thrust your pelvis
at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed.
Take 2 minutes to
get dressed
\\\//
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Subj: Ten
Things Women Will Never Understand (S52)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98
TEN THINGS WOMEN WILL SIMPLY
NEVER UNDERSTAND.....
A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE
Men are a misunderstood lot,
which all in all is probably for
the best. Women are better
off not knowing that we eat with
our hands the minute they leave
the room or that we use their
nail clippers to trim our nose
hair. Better for them, better
for us. Still, it's annoying
that women spend more time and
money trying to understand the
minds of cats than they do
wondering about what makes men
tick. Which is why they'll
never understand...
1. Our consuming need to own
the biggest and most expensive
version of just
about everything.
Our compulsive desire to drive
off-road vehicles in cities
and use corkscrews that resemble
off-shore drilling equipment
is well-documented. As
marketing targets, men are suckers
for terms like "professional"
or "industrial strength",
because inside every man is
the germ of every profession he
ever imagined himself one day
excelling at. Most of these
purchases are harmless, little
more than childish wish-
fulfilment played out at a higher
testorerone level. But
occasionally we go too far.
The guy upstairs from me once
boasted that he had a filter
which filled his flat with
"operating theatre-quality air."
I kept him away from my
surgical-steel steak knives.
2. Why we are so bad at shopping.
We've never been trained to do
it the right way. Super-
markets are like giant booby
traps for males -- which is
why if you send a man out to
buy eggs, sugar and bread you
should not be surprised if he
returns home with a case of
wine, a pair of jeans, and a
tree.
3. The reason why we don't like to discuss The Relationship.
Most of us will find any excuse
to dodge those conversations
that start with questions like
"Are you really happy?" and
"Where do you see us going?"
A relationship is a delicate
thing, like an antique clock,
and we know what will happen
if we start picking it apart.
Often our reticence will
result in a lengthy conversation
about why we have trouble
talking about The Relationship.
4. Why we think we can fix things.
Almost all men believe they can
repair virtually anything
with a little patience.
In reality, we're only half right.
Men are extremely good at taking
things apart: whether
it's a dishwasher or an antique
clock, a man can break it
down to its most basic components
in no time. Unfortunately,
this is where our expertise
usually leaves off, and we're
mostly satisfied with leaving
bits and pieces spread all
over newspaper on the kitchen
table.
5. Men and video games.
Women cannot understand how grown
men can waste huge chunks
of their lives zapping things
off a screen. When a man
repeatedly rings his girlfriend
to say he has to work late
and routinely comes home at
two in the morning all glassy-
eyed, she will usually take
this as evidence of an affair
-- when it's more likely that
a pirated copy of Streetfighter
II is making the rounds at the
office.
6. That sometimes we really are ill.
When men get ill, women are generally
united in their belief
that we are faking it.
This is based on a tired old axiom
stating that men will never
fully understand the agony of
childbirth so deserve no sympathy
regarding matters of pain,
fear or incapacitation.
For the record, it should be noted
that all men are in a constant
state of feeling slightly
under the weather just from
being men. It's only a mis-
placed sense of machismo that
forces us from our beds every
day to go into work and then
down to the pub for a couple
of schooners of the only thing
that ever makes us feel any
better.
7. The way we watch television.
Men don't just watch the TV,
they plug right in. Once
we're on the right wavelength,
we can watch almost anything,
including commercials, with
a slack-jawed intensity which
probably drives you crazy.
Unfortunately for women, men
cannot achieve this higher state
without a firm grasp on
the remote.
8. Our sense of humour.
When women say that what they
most want from a man is a
sense of humour, they tend to
mean something different
from what we mean. Women
never understand the comic
genius of your mate who makes
beer come out of his
nose.
9. Why we're so boring.
Male conversation generally relies
heavily on petty
obsession, technical jargon,
numbing detail and presumed
expertise. Topics that
women only feel the need to
mention in passing become Test-Match
length debates
among men. True, some
of us are able to combine a
scintillating wit with a flair
for story-telling and a
nose for gossip, but we tend
to reserve these talents
for conversations with women.
Between ourselves,
the drive to talk at length
about tire pressure or
"Star Trek" episodes is too
alluring. Even if your
local pool team boasted Socrates,
Einstein and Oscar
Wilde as members, you'd still
probably have to
discuss the fastest way to get
to the freeway.
10. The male menopause.
Mid-life crisis, the seven-year
itch, whatever you
like to call it -- women don't
understand the seriousness
of this condition, instead seeing
it only as an excuse
for a man to resign from his
job, buy a Harley Davidson
and start a relationship with
a woman a third of his age.
Like there has to be more to
it than that.
\\\//
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Subj: What
Men Want And What Women Want (S76)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98
and
From: Tom_Adams on 98-07-16
DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO WOMEN ON WHAT MEN WANT
I know the myth is that men want
Traci Lords in the bedroom,
Julia Child in the kitchen,
Hazel around the house, Lesley
Visser during a game, Mary Poppins
for the children, Cha Cha
Muldowney in traffic, Dr. Quinn,
Medicine Chick when we're
sick, Mary Richards at work,
Mother Theresa when we come home
with leprosy, Gertrude Stein
in conversation, the body of
Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin'
combined with the voice of
Sade, and to top it all off,
the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith,
because of course we don't want
to feel too threatened. So
if that's the myth of what we
want, what's the reality? Well,
first put that Cosmo article
down right now and back slowly
away from the magazine. Now
go to the window and take a deep
breath. You must clear
your head of bullshit articles like
"How to Trick Your Man into
Cooking Tex-Mex". Trick me? How
about asking me? And then
I'll be able to tell you I don't
have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex
is, okay?! All right, I'm
not supposed to do this.
I'm not supposed to reveal the
master list to all you non-tripods,
but what the hell; here
goes: Here's what men want from
women. One through Ten:
ONE - We want you to understand
that we don't give a shit
about clothes,
all right? Yours OR ours. All we need
is one pair of
tennies and one pair of church shoes.
That's it.
TWO - Don't talk to us
while the television is on, all
right? Very simple:
Television is off, we talk.
Television is on,
we don't talk.
THREE- When you're behind the
wheel of a car, if you want
to get aggressive,
that's fine, but don't give somebody
the finger and
expect me to defend your honor when
Steroid Lad comes
over swinging a pair of nunchucks,
all right?
FOUR - Would it kill you to watch
'The Godfather' with me
for the fifty-seventh
time?
FIVE - Hey I'm sorry, but some
of us see a beautiful sunset
and think, "You
know, I betcha my accountant is boning
me up the ass."
SIX - You go see Nell by
yourself, all right? I met
enough chicks like
that at "The Drink" when I was single.
SEVEN- Have a sense of humor.
Without a sense of humor, a
relationship lasts
about as long David Duke at a Black
Panther meeting.
EIGHT- Work out your job-related
anger before we have sex.
Just because Helmut,
the office boy, brought you the cup
of lima bean consomme
instead of the bowl of lima bean
consomme from Soup
Plantation, I don't want to end up
in the friction
burn groin ward at Cedars- Sinai, all right?
NINE - Don't ask us to cry.
As much as you say you want us
to cry, you don't
really want us to cry. You hate it when
we cry. I've
tried crying in front of my wife. She
enjoyed it for
about thirty seconds and then started
thinking, "Why
in the fuck did I marry this hamster?"
TEN - Be patient.
Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help
us out of this
testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and
lead us into the
light. Or if that's asking too much,
how's about a big
sloppy blowjob once in a while?
DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT
Nowadays it seems like they want....other
women. No, uhh....
some women want zero from a
man, and others want lots of
zeros from a man. Let's
see, the myth is that women want
Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad
Pitt in the kitchen, Brad
Pitt around the house, Brad
Pitt during a game, Brad Pitt
when they're sick, Brad Pitt
in conversation, the body of
Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the
Fall' combined with the voice
of Brad Pitt, and to top it
all off the IQ of Fabio on two
bottles of NyQuil. Another
myth is that a woman must be
married by a certain age or
she'll never find stability.
Hey, I've got news for you,
ladies: looking to men for
stability is like going to Crispin
Glover for psychoanalysis,
all right? And yet a third
myth is that men think that
women like guys who are dangerous.
As a result, guys will
often smoke cigarettes, drink
too much, and ride a motorcycle
without a helmet. Women
don't like guys who are dangerous.
Women want us to think that
because women are trying to kill
us. Now I'll be the first
to admit that men's advice on
women is about as reliable as
an M-16 in the mud, but this
is what I kinda sorta, maybe
think women want from men.
ONE - Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
TWO - If you take her out
to a fancy restaurant, don't try
to subtly steer
her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
THREE- Quit blowing smoke up
women's asses about the sanctity
and power they
possess as lifegivers and come up with some
decent affordable
child care. That way, maybe poor single
mothers can go
to work and get off welfare and we won't
have to listen
to any more assholes in Congress blathering
about orphanages.
FOUR - Equal work for equal pay.
Look around you at work,
guys. Look
at...say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the
cubicle next to
you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you,
because he's a
slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now
imagine making
30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo....
FIVE - This is very important:
During lovemaking: Don't ask,
"Who's your daddy?"
Even as a joke. All right? It's not
funny.
SIX - When her mouth moves,
pay attention, words could be
coming out.
Words are kind of important.
SEVEN- Pass a law that makes
it compulsory for all over-the-
hill rock stars
to have women their own age in their videos.
EIGHT- Don't ask her if she came.
You're a big boy now,
Clouseau, you should
know if she came.
NINE - Don't tell her how to
merge and she won't tell you to
ask for directions.
TEN - When she catches
you cheating on her and cuts off your
dick in your sleep,
take it like a man. So, guys, at the
end of the what
women want is this: equal pay, fair
treatment, respect,
patience, sensitivity, passion and a
genuine effort
at understanding who they really are. Or
if that's too much
to ask, how about a big diamond the
size of your head?
\\\//
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Subj: What
Men And Women Want (S453b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 9/19/2005
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19990528
and http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19990527
 |
 |
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Subj: She/He
Definitions (S149, S553c)
From: agrief on 12/09/1999
and
From: SCOTCOB on 8/20/2007
Wants ? needs (wontz and nedz)
n.
female: The delicate balance
of emotional, physical and
psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled
in a relationship.
male: Food, sex
and beer.
Thingy (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's
hood.
male: The strapfastener
on a woman's bra.
Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love
to other women.
male: A woman who
has sex with other women so
men can watch and get really turned on.
Glass ceiling (glas see-ling)
n.
female: The invisible barrier
that stops women from rising
to the upper levels in business.
male: What would
really be great at work since
that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's
self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball
without a cup.
Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)
n.
female: The open sharing of
thoughts and feelings with
one's partner.
male: Scratching
out a note before suddenly taking off
for a weekend with the guys.
Butt (but) n.
female: The body part that every
item of clothing
manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ
of mooning.
Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married
and raise a family.
male: Not trying
to pick up other women while out with
one's girlfriend.
Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment)
n.
female: A good movie, concert,
play or book.
male: Anything with
one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing byproduct
of digestion.
male: An endless
source of enterainment, self-expression
and male bonding.
Making love (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression
of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have
to call "boinking" to get women to boink.
Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl)
n.
female: A device for changing
from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for
scanning through all 75 channels every
2 1/2 minutes.
Taste (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently
to whatever you're cooking,
to make sure it's good.
male: Something
you must do to anything you think has gone
bad, prior to tossing it out.
\\\//
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Subj: How
to Break Up with a Woman
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98
Before we get into the "how to"
of breaking up with a woman,
we must first define her.
"Woman" is taken from the composite
of two root words. "Wo"
from the Old English "Woe," meaning
deep sorrow, grief, misfortune,
and calamity. And "man," as in
"Man, I'm gonna kill her." The
American Heritage Dictionary,
defines "woman" as: 1. An adult,
female human being. 2. Women
collectively; womankind. 3.
Feminine quality or aspect; woman-
liness. 4. A female servant.
5. A mistress; paramour.
Okay, stop staring at 4 and 5;
it's an old dictionary. Don't
get me wrong. I love women.
Well, it's not so much that I
love them as that I love the
concept of them. They're good
on paper. They don't work
so well in practice. Dr. John
Grey wrote the best-seller,
Men are From Mars, Women are
from Venus. His theory
is that men and women are inherently
different and that they need
to understand this in order to
get along. I'm writing
a similar book. Mine is called,
"Men are From Mars, Women are
from Hell." It's basically
the same theory, though I prove
that women are actually a
product of the devil.
---------------------------------
"Love" and Other Four Letter Words
---------------------------------
This is a true story. I had been
dating a woman for about
six months and had carefully
avoided using the word "love."
We both knew it. One morning,
after we had spent a lovely
weekend getaway at a bed ? breakfast
in Northern California,
I pulled the curtains open to
see the most beautiful scenic
view of the Pacific Ocean on
the Carmel coastline.
"I love a
view," I said.
"I love you
too, " she said and rolled over.
At that moment I knew it was over.
------------------------------
How do You Know She Loves You?
------------------------------
Good question. Here are three
tell-tale signs you know the
woman you are dating loves you:
* You had sex with her.
* She spends all your
time together trying to change you.
* She doesn't say, "I
love you." Women don't say it when
they do,
as frequently as men say it when they don't.
------------------------------
The Five Stages of Breaking Up
------------------------------
Rather than doing it in one swift
painless blow, I've
dragged it out into five distinct
and unavoidable steps:
1. Contemplation: It usually occurs
right after sex. Don't go
with this immediate urge.
Now is not the time. It's
chemical. Just roll over
and go to sleep like you always
have.
2. Contemplate it some more: Run it
by your friends. You
know... those guys you
blew off when you started seeing
her.
3. Joke about it: Make your moments
with her uncomfortable
and pressured.
4. Just do it: (I would explain how,
but that is beyond scope
of this article.) Oh,
one way is to get her drunk. You
did it when you first
slept with her. Now do it to break
up with her. Trust me,
it's the best way. Besides, while
she's drunk, you can
sleep with her one last time, but get
out before she sobers
up. That's how you got into the
relationship to begin
with.
5. Stalking: Just because you've stopped
calling her, doesn't
mean you have to stop
seeing her. Many questions need to
be answered, like: Who
is she going out with now? Is she
miserable now that you
're gone? Oh God, she's not fu--ing
him, is she? This includes
calling and hanging up, and
calling and crying. That
is when you say, "I love you."
------------------------
Beating Her to the Punch
------------------------
There are two ways of beating
her to the punch. The first
way is to break up with her
before she does it to you. And
the second way is to literally
punch her, because she's pissed.
----------
Other Ways
----------
Take her to dinner. Maybe the
restaurant where you first took
her. This way the thing
goes full circle, like a ring. (Try
to get that back, too.)
Sit at exactly the same table, order
the same thing, then ask the
waitress out. It's that simple.
That's the sensitive way. Sensitivity
is very popular lately.
We no longer end it over the
phone or on the answering machine.
Today we talk it to death, then
see each other's therapist.
There's the, I-never-really-thought-that-we-were-dating
approach, which only works if
you're dating an idiot.
And finally, you could write
an article about it and have her
proofread it. That's what I
did.
\\\//
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Subj: Haircuts
- The Difference Between Men And Women (26)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-07-16
Women's version:
================
Woman2: Oh! You
got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so?
I wasn't sure when she gave me the
mirror. I mean, you don't think
it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No,
it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair
cut like that, but I think my
face is too wide. I'm pretty
much stuck with this stuff I
think.
Woman1: Are you serious?
I think your face is adorable. And
you could easily get one of
those layer cuts - that would
look so cute I think.
I was actually going to do that except
that I was afraid it would accent
my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny!
I would love to have your neck!
Anything to take attention away
from this two-by-four I have
for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding?
I know girls that would love to
have your shoulders. Everything
drapes so well on you. I
mean, look at my arms - see
how short they are? If I had
your shoulders I could get clothes
to fit me so much easier.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Men's version:
=============
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
\\\//
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Subj: Who
Enjoys Sex More?
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-07-24
(Also see 'The
Ear and Sex' in BODY PARTS file)
A man and a woman were having
drinks when they got into an
argument about who enjoyed sex
more.
The man said, "Men obviously
enjoy sex more than women.
Why do you think we're so obsessed
with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything,"
the woman countered. "Think
about this--When your ear itches
and you put your little
finger in it and wiggle it around,
then pull it out, which
feels better-your ear or your
finger?
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Subj: Pockets
(S30)
From: HA: Humor Archive
Last Sunday, I was waaaaaaiting
for my son (7 years old) to
get ready for church.
Since I had him trapped, I decided it
was time to discuss some of
the 'Facts of Life' with him:
Son, you have gotten old enough
that you can be trusted with
one of the Important Secrets
of Manhood. You must never tell
this secret to any women or
girls.
'OK'
You have probably noticed that
most things are run by men.
The boss is usually a man.
Men usually get paid more than
women. HOWEVER, there
isn't all that much difference between
men and women.
'But what about...'
OH that. That isn't all
that important. Are you any smarter
than the girls your age?
'Nope'
And I am not any smarter than
the women my age. And you know
your mother could probably whip
me in a fair fight. So, why
do you suppose that men are
usually in charge?
''
It is because we don't play fair.
We cheat. We men have lots
of little tricks that we use
to make sure that women don't win.
And I am about to tell you one
of the Most Important!
''
Pockets!
'What!?'
It is true! Long ago, we
men managed to convince the women
that they would rather wear
clothing that looked pretty, than
wear clothing that worked right.
And then we convinced the
women that pockets were ugly.
So, now, most women's clothes
don't have pockets.
'Naaah'
Well, check for yourself. How many pockets do you have?
'5'
How many pockets in your sisters dress?
'0'
How many pockets in my suit?
'14!'
How many pockets in your mothers dress?
'0'
If you don't have any pockets,
then you can't carry important
things. Important things
like money, or keys, or tools. Men
get to be in charge because
they can get things done, while
the women are still asking to
borrow somebody's keys.
Son, I want you to remember that
if you wear clothes that
don't work right, then people
will think you are Useless.
They might even call you one
of those nasty names that mean
Useless like: Fashionable! or
Chic!
'What is taking you two so long? Are you ready?'
''
My that dress looks nice. May I zip it up for you?
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Subj: Hormonal
Hearing
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-11-11
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and
You'll have no clothes to wear,
if we
Don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU
AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE
FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT
NOW
\\\//
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Subj: Stages
Of Life (S288)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #278 on 97-12-15
THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double
vodka
66 Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
17 My
parents are away for the weekend.
25 My
girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My
fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My
wife is away for the weekend.
66 My
wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping
DRUG
17 pot
25 coke
35 really
good coke
48 power
66 Ex-lax
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Tongue"
25 "Breakfast"
35 "She
didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I
didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got
home alive."
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting
to third
25 airplane
sex
35 menage
a trois
48 taking
the company public
66 Swiss
maid and a Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out
college roommate
35 Irish
setter
48 children
from first marriage
66 dust
bunnies
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
IDEAL DATE
17 Triple
Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split
the check before we go back to my place"
35 Sex
in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
48 "Just
come over."
66 "Just
come over and cook."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 Wine
Coolers
25 White
wine
35 Red
wine
48 Dom
Perignon
66 Ensure
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need
to wash my hair
25 Need
to wash and condition my hair
35 Need
to color my hair
48 Need
to have Francois color my hair
66 Need
to have Francois color my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
DRUG
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger
King"
25 "Free
meal"
35 "A
diamond"
48 "A
bigger diamond"
66 "Home
Alone"
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall,
dark, and handsome
25 tall,
dark, and handsome with money
35 tall,
dark, and handsome with money and a brain
48 a
man with hair
66 a
man
HOUSE PET
17 Muffy
the cat
25 Unemployed
boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish
setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children
from first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired
husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy
the Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66
IDEAL DATE
17 He
offers to pay
25 He
pays
35 He
cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He
cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He
can chew breakfast
\\\//
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| Subj:
Einstein And Women (in Drawings-Math5)
From: mrx on 8/7/2004 . |
 |
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 |
Smileys Fight from
Smiley_Central |