Subj: Differences3 between Men And Women(Gz)
(Includes 52 jokes and articles)
Couple Handling Money
from
Accent on Animation
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Subj: Differences3 between Men And Women(Gz) (Includes 52 jokes and articles) |
|
Couple Handling Money from Accent on Animation |
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Subj: Many
Differences Between Men And Women (S284b, S596b)
From: ICohen on 7/9/2002
and
From: AFine963 on 6/21/2008
or "Why Men Are Just Happier People"
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee
= profit
Smart boss + dumb employee
= production
Dumb boss + smart employee
= promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee =
overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1
item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2
item that
she doesn't
need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS And STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future
until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the
future until he gets a wife.
Successful man is one who makes
more money than
his wife
can spend.
A successful woman is one who
can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you
must understand him a lot
and love
him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you
must love her a lot
and not try
to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than
single men, but married men
are a lot
more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting
he will change,
but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting
that she won't change,
and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in
any argument.
Anything a man says after that
is the beginning
of a new
argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING
YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to
me at weddings, poking me in
the ribs
and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started
doing the same thing to them
at funerals.
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go
out for lunch, they will
call each
other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out,
they will affectionately
refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike,
Dave and John will each throw
in $20, even
though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything
smaller and none will
actually
admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill,
out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom:
toothbrush and
toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap,
and a towel
from M&S.
The average number of items
in the typical woman's
bathroom
is 337.
A man would not be able to identify
more than 20
of these
items.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats but when
women aren't
looking men
kick cats.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go
shopping, water the plants,
empty the
trash, answer the phone, read a book,
and get the
mail.
A man will dress up for weddings
and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking
as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during
the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman
knows all about her children.
She knows
about dentist appointments and romances,
best friends,
favorite foods, secret fears, and
hopes and
dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some
short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget
his mistakes.
There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.
\\\//
-(o o)-
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Subj: Women
And Men
From: Cypriot on 9/7/2001
** WOMEN **
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They carry children, they carry
hardships, they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love,
and joy.
They smile when they want to
scream. They sing when they
want to cry. They cry
when they are happy and laugh when
they are nervous. Women
wait by the phone for a "safe at
home call" from a friend after
a snowy drive home. Women
have special qualities about
them. They volunteer for good
causes. They are pink
ladies in hospitals, they bring food
to shut-ins.
They are child care workers,
executives, attorneys, stay-at-
home moms, biker babes, and
your neighbors. They wear suits,
jeans, and they wear uniforms.
They fight for what they
believe in.
They stand up for injustice.
They are in the front row at
PTA meetings. They vote
for the person that will do the best
job for family issues.
They walk and talk the extra mile to
get their children in the right
schools and for getting their
family the right health care.
They write to the editor,
their congressmen and to the
"powers that be" for things
that make for a better life.
They don't take "no" for an
answer when they believe there
is a better solution.
They stick a love note in the
lover's lunch box. They do
without new shoes so their children
can have them. They go
to the doctor with a frightened
friend. They love
unconditionally.
Women are honest, loyal, and
forgiving. They are smart,
knowing that knowledge is power.
But they still know how
to use their softer side to
make a point. Women want to
be the best for their family,
their friends, and themselves.
They cry when their children
excel and cheer when their
friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear
about a birth or a new
marriage. Their hearts
break when a friend dies. They
have sorrow at the loss of a
family member, yet are strong
when they think there is no
strength left.
A women's touch can cure any
ailment. They know that a
hug and a kiss can heal a broken
heart. A woman can make
a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes,
in all colors and shapes.
They live in homes, apartments,
and cabins. They drive,
fly, walk, run, or e-mail you to
show you how much they care
about you. The heart of a
woman is what makes the world
spin!
Women do more than just give
birth. They bring joy and
hope. They give compassion
and ideals. They give moral
support to their family and
friends. And all they want
back is a hug, a smile, and
for you to do the same to
people you come in contact with.
** MEN **
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing bugs.
\\\//
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Subj: He Said/
She Said (S217)
From: ICohen on 3/28/2001
He said... I don't know why you
wear a bra; you've got
nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs,
don't you?
He said... Do you love me just
because my father left me
a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey,
I would love you no matter
who left you the money.
He said... "This coffee isn't
fit for a pig!"
She said..."No problem, I'll
get you some that is."
She said...What do you mean by
coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I
ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid
eyes on you, I've wanted to
make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
Priest.... "I don't think you
will ever find another man
like your late husband."
She said...'Who's gonna look?'
He said... You have a flat chest
and need to shave your
legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said...No, have you?
He said... Why do you women always
try to impress us
with your looks, not with your brains?
She said...Because there is
a bigger chance that a man is
a moron than he is blind.
He said... What have you been
doing with all the grocery
money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and
look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have
some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you
get home before I do, leave
the hallway light on.
On wall in ladies room: "My husband
follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: I do
not."
\\\//
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Subj: How
To Speak About Men And Women (S200)
From: RFSlick on 11/20/2000
How to speak about WOMEN and be POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a BABE or a CHICK
- She is a BREASTED
AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER
- She is VOCALLY
APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR
OFF THE INFORMATION
SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She
is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED
COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY
- She gets CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS
- She is MEDICALLY
ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE -
She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
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Subj: How
to speak about MEN and be POLITICALLY CORRECT:
He does not have a BEER GUT -
He has developed a
LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE
TIME -
He INVESTIGATES
ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He
prefers
GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN
DRUNK -
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL
ASS - He develops a
case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not QUIET - he has a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST
You do not BUY HIM A DRINK -
You initiate AN ALCOHOL-FOR-
CONVERSATION EXCHANGE
He does not FART AND BELCH
- he is GASTRONOMICALLY
EXPRESSIVE
He is not a REDNECK - he is a GENETICALLY-RELATED AMERICAN
He does not HAVE A RICH DADDY
- he is a RECIPIENT OF
PARENTAL ASSET
INFUSION
He does not HOG THE BLANKETS - he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
\\\//
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Subj: Her
Story And His Story (S167)
From: thebartend on 4/10/00
HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I
got to the bar. I thought it
might have been because I was
a bit late but he didn't say
much about it. The conversation
was quite slow going so
I thought we should go off somewhere
more intimate so we
could talk privately.
We went to this restaurant and
he's STILL acting a bit funny.
I'm trying to cheer him up and
start to wonder whether it's
me or something I did or something
else. I ask him, and he
says no its not me. But
you know I'm not really sure. So
anyway, in the cab back to his
house, I say that I love him
and he just puts his arm around
me.
I don't know what the hell that
means because you know he
doesn't say it back or anything.
We finally get back to his
place and I'm wondering if he's
going to dump me! So I try
to talk about it but he just
switches on the TV.
Reluctantly I say I'm going to go to sleep.
Then, after about 20 minutes,
he joins me and we have sex.
But, he still seemed really
distracted, so afterwards I just
wanted to leave.
I dunno, I just don't know, what
he's thinking anymore. I
mean, do you think he's met
someone else???
HIS STORY:
Shitty day at work. Tired.
Got laid though!
\\\//
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Subj: How
To Impress A Woman Or Man (S80, S324b)
From: JOELFALLON on 98-08-06
and
From: Grampsboyd on 4/12/2003
(See
'How
To Please A Woman' in How to Please)
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment
her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money
on her,
wine ? dine
her,
buy things
for her,
listen to
her,
care for
her,
stand by
her,
support her,
go to the
ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
With beer.
\\\//
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Subj: A Perfect
Day (S78)
From: Tom_Adams on 98-07-28
(See 'Perfect Couple
Meets Santa' in MARRIAGE3)
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER
8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs lighter
than yesterday
8:45 breakfast in bed, fresh
squeezed orange juice
and croissants
9:15 soothing hot bath with
liliac bath oil
10:00 light workout at club
with handsome, funny
personal trainer
10:30 facial,manicure,shampoo
and cut
12:00 lunch with best friends
at outdoor cafe
12:45 notice ex-boyfriends wife
she has gained 30 lbs
1:00 shopping with friend,
unlimited credit
3:00 nap
4:00 3 dozen roses delivered
by florist, card is from
secret admirer
4:15 light workout at club,
followed by gentle massage
5:30 pick out outfit for dinner,
primp in front of mirror
7:30 candlelight dinner for
two followed by dancing
hot shower (alone)
10:30 make love
11:00 pillow talk, light touching
and cuddling
11:15 fall asleep in his big
strong arms
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM
6:00 ALARM
6:15 blowjob
6:30 Massive dump while reading
sports section of USA Today
7:00 breakfast, filet mignon
and eggs, toast and coffee
7:30 limo arrives
7:45 Stoli bloody mary enrout
to airport
8:15 DFW-Private G4 to Augusta,Ga
(Java, and Sports Ill.
9:30 lIMO TO AUGUSTA National
Golf Club
9:45 front nine at Augusta
( 2 under par)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters
on the half shell,3 heinekens
12:15 Blowjob
12:30 back nine Augusta ( 4
under par)
2:15 limo back to airport (Bombay
martini)
2:30 Private G4, Augusta to
Nassau,Bahamas(nap)
3:15 Late afternoon fishing
excursion with all female
(topless) crew
4:30 Land world record light
tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)
5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage
and handjob enroute by
naked Kathy Irland
6:45 Shit,shower,shave
7:00 Watch cnn newsflash: Clinton
resigns, Hillary and
Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated
(Hillary has a secret Mole,al looks real cold)
7:30 Dinner, Lobster appitizers,
Don Perigon (1963),
20 oz New York Steak
9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban
Partiagas cigar
9:30 Sex with 3 women (preferably
at least 2 with mixed
race origin)
11:00 Massage in jacuzzi
11:45 Bed (alone)
11:50 12 second, 4 note fart,
dog leaves the room
11:55 Asleep
\\\//
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Subj: Men
Are Lunatics, Women Are Nuts (S67)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #113 on 98-05-08
The Difference:
Women have more imagination
than men. They need it to tell
us how wonderful we are.
Women have their faults. Men have
only two. Everything they
say. Everything they do. A
successful man is one who makes
more money than his wife can
spend. A successful women is
one who can find such a man.
The Style:
Men wake up as good-looking
as they went to bed. Women
somehow deteriorate during the
night. When women are
depressed they either eat or
go shopping.. Men invade
another country. It's
a whole different way of thinking.
A man is a person who will pay
two dollars for a one-dollar
item he wants. A woman
will pay one dollar for a two-dollar
item that she doesn't want.
The Workplace:
When a man gives his opinion,
he's a man. When a woman gives
her opinions, she's a bitch.
Women are the only exploited
group in history who have been
idealized into powerlessness.
Relationships:
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Dogs are a man's best
friend. Now you know which
sex is smarter. Most men's
primary fantasy is still, unfortunately,
access to a number
of beautiful women. For
a man, commitment means giving up
this fantasy. Most women's primary
fantasy is a relationship
with one man who either provides
economic security or is
on his way to doing so (he has
"potential"). For a woman,
commitment to this type of man
means achieving this fantasy.
So commitment often means that
a woman achieves her primary
fantasy, while a man gives his
up. It's not true that men
prefer foolish women. Rather
they prefer women who can
simulate foolishness whenever
necessary, which is the very
core of intelligence.
Love:
Men always want to be a woman's
first love. Women have a
more subtle instinct: What they
like is to be a man's last
romance. The only way
to understand a woman is to love
her - and then it isn't necessary
to understand her. To
women, love is an occupation.
To men, a preoccupation. To
be happy with a man you must
understand him a lot and love
him a little. To be happy
with a woman you must love her
a lot and not try to understand
her at all.
Marriage:
A woman marries a man expecting
he will change, but he
doesn't. A man marries
a woman expecting that she won't
change and she does. Men
marry because they are tired;
woman because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.
A woman worries about the future
until she gets a husband,
while a man never worries about
the future until he gets
a wife. A woman will always
cherish the memory of the
man who wanted to marry her;
a man, of the woman who he
didn't. There are two
times when a man doesn't under-
stand a woman - before marriage
and after marriage.
Husbands:
Only two things are necessary
to keep one's wife happy.
One is to let her think she
is having her own way, and
the other is to let her have
it. Married men live
longer than single men, but
married men are a lot more
willing to die. Any married
man should forget his
mistakes - no use two people
remembering the same thing.
Wives:
Some husbands are living proof
that a woman can take a
joke. Husbands are like
cars: all are good the first year.
The Battle:
A woman has the last word in
any argument. Anything a
man says after that is the beginning
of a new argument.
On Men:
If you women knew what we were
thinking, you'd never stop
slapping us. Men are like animals,
but they make great pets.
On Women:
Can you imagine a world without
men ? No crime and lots of
happy fat women. Women
have two weapons - cosmetics and
tears. Women may be the
only group that grows more radical
with age. God made man
before woman to give him time to
think of an answer for her first
question.
Men are Lunatics, Women are Nuts
\\\//
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Subj: Men
Sweep You (S457b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/25/2005
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19991024
 |
\\\//
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Subj: Men
Vs Women (S222)
From: pns on 4/27/2001
(Some in 'Men Are Lunatics, Women Are Nuts' in
this file)
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1
item he wants. A woman
will pay
$1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the
future until she gets a
husband.
A man never worries about the future until
he gets a
wife.
3. A successful man is one
who makes more money than his
wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can
find such
a man.
4. To be happy with a man you
must understand him a lot ?
love him
a little. To be happy with a woman you must
love her
a lot ? not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer
than single men - but married
men are a
lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget
his mistakes - there's no
use in two
people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking
as they went to bed. Women
somehow deteriorate
during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting
he will change, but he
doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
change ?
she does.
9. A woman has the last word
in any argument. Anything a
man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a
man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage
? after marriage.
\\\//
-(o o)-
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Subj: Gender
Language Differences (S199 - From: DIFFERENCES2)
From: DR SWITZER on 98-03-05
and
From: RFSlick on 11/22/2000
Women's English:
"Yes."
= No
"No."
= Yes
"Maybe."
= No
"I'm sorry."
= You'll be sorry
"We need."
= I want
"It's your decision." = The
correct decision should be
obvious by now.
"Do what you want."
= You'll pay for this later.
"We need to talk."
= I need to complain.
"Sure go ahead."
= I don't want you to.
"I'm not upset."
= Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"You're so manly."
= You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
"You're certainly attentive
tonight."
= Is sex all you ever think about?
"Be romantic, turn out the lights."
= I have flabby thighs.
"This kitchen is so inconvenient."
= I want a new house.
"I want new curtains."= ...and
carpeting, and furniture,
and wallpaper....
"Hang the picture there."
= NO, I mean hang it there!
"I heard a noise."
= I noticed you were almost asleep.
"Do you love me?"
= I'm going to ask for something
expensive.
"How much do you love"= I did
something today you're
really not going to like.
"I'll be ready in a minute."
= Kick off your shoes and
find a good game on TV.
"Is my butt fat?"
= Tell me I'm beautiful.
"You have to learn to communicate."
= Just agree with me.
"Are you listening to me!?"
= Too late, you're dead.
"Was that the baby?" =
Why don't you get out of bed and
walk him until he falls asleep.
"I'm not yelling!"
= Yes, I am yelling because I think
this is important.
"The same old thing." = Nothing.
"Nothing."
= Everything.
"Everything."
= My PMS is acting up.
"Nothing, really."
= It's just that you're such a jerk.
Men's English:
"I'm hungry"
= I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy"
= I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired"
= I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?"
= I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?"
= I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?"
= I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?"
= I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!"
= Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give
you a massage."
= I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?"
= I don't see why your making such
a big deal about this.
"What's wrong?"
= What meaningless self-inflicted
psychological trauma are you going
through now?
"What's wrong?"
= I guess sex tonight is out of the
question.
"I'm bored."
= Do you want to have sex?
"I love you."
= Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too."
= Okay, I said it ... we'd better
have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut
your hair."
= I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut
your hair."
= $50 and it doesn't look that
much different!
"Let's talk."
= I am trying to impress you by
showing you that I am a deep person
and maybe then you'd like to have
sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" =
I want to make it illegal for you to
have sex with other guys.
(While shopping) "I like that
one better."
= Pick any freakin' dress and let's
go home!
"I don't think that blouse and
that skirt go well together."
= I am gay.
\\\//
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Subj: Secrets
Of Women's Language (S237b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/14/2001
(See 'Woman's Dictionary'in
WOMEN3
and 'Real
Meanings of Personal Ad Codes' in HEADLINES-ADDS)
Keywords and their meanings.
1. FINE
This is the word a woman uses
at the end of any argument
that she feels she is right
about but needs to shut you up.
NEVER use fine to describe how
a woman looks. This will
cause you to have one of those
arguments.
2. FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It
is equivalent to the five minutes
that your football/hockey or
whatever game is going to last
before you take out the trash,
so she feels that it's an
even trade.
3. NOTHING
This means something and you
should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is usually used to
describe the feeling a woman
has of wanting to turn you inside
out, upside down, and
backwards. "Nothing" usually
signifies an argument that
will last "Five Minutes" and
end with the word "Fine".
4. GO AHEAD (c/w Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that
will result in a woman getting
upset over "Nothing" and eventually
cause an argument that
will last "Five Minutes" and
end with the word "Fine".
5. GO AHEAD (w/out raised eyebrows)
This means "I give up.
Do what you want because I don't
care." You will, however,
get a Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead"
in just a few minutes, followed
by "Nothing", and a "Five
Minute" argument ending with
"Fine".
6. LOUD SIGH
Not actually a word of course
but often a verbal cue
misunderstood by men.
The "Loud Sigh" means she thinks
you're an idiot and wonders
why she is wasting her time
standing there having a "Five
Minute" argument with you
over "Nothing".
7. SOFT SIGH
One of the few sounds that some
men actually understand.
She is content. Your best
bet is not to move or breathe.
Just stay clear.
8. OH
This word followed by any statement
is trouble. E.G. -
"Oh, let me get that",which
actually means you are
obviously incapable and incompetent
and cannot possibly
complete the task to her particular
standard. Or "Oh,
I already talked to the cable
guy", which means she
has inadvertently blown the
cover on your secret extra
outlets and black box.
Worse yet is, "Oh, I talked to
him about what you did last
night.
From: Imogenelumen on 8/6/2003
9. THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous
statements that a woman
can make to a man. "That's
Okay" means that she wants to
think long and hard before paying
you back for what ever
it is that you have done. "That's
Okay" is often used
with the word "Fine" and in
conjunction with a "Raised
Eyebrow."
10. GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future,
you are going to be in
some mighty big trouble.
11. PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is
an offer. A woman is giving
you the chance to come up with
whatever excuse or reason
you have for doing whatever
it is that you have done. You
have a fair chance with the
truth, so be careful and you
shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
12. THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not
faint. Just say you're welcome.
13. THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks."
A woman will say,
"Thanks A Lot" when she is really
ticked off at you. It
signifies that you have offended
her in some callous way,
and will be followed by the
"Loud Sigh." Be careful not to
ask what is wrong after the
"Loud Sigh," as she will only
tell you "Nothing."
\\\//
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========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Rita
Rudner's Facts About Men
From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97
* Men who have pierced ears are
better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced
pain and bought jewelry.
* Marrying a divorced man is
ecologically responsible. In
a world where there
are more women than men, it pays to
recycle.
* Men are very confident people.
My husband is so confident
that when he watches
sports on television, he thinks that
if he concentrates he
can help his team. If the team is
in trouble, he coaches
the players from our living room,
and if they're really
in trouble, I have to get off the
phone in case they call
him.
* Men like phones with lots
of buttons. It makes them feel
important.
* Men love to be the first to
read the newspaper in the
morning. Not being
the first is upsetting to their psyches.
* All men hate to hear "We need
to talk about our relationship."
These seven words strike
fear in the heart of even General
Schwartzkopf.
* Men are sensitive in strange
ways. If a man has built a
fire and the last
log does not burn, he will take it
personally.
* No man is charming all of
the time. Even Cary Grant is on
record saying he wished
he could be Cary Grant.
* When four or more men get
together, they talk about sports.
* When four or more women get
together, they talk about men.
* Most women are introspective:
"Am I in love? Am I
emotionally and creatively
fulfilled?" Most men are
outrospective: "Did my
team win? How's my car?"
* If a man says, "I'll call
you," and he doesn't, he didn't
forget...
he didn't lose your number... he didn't die.
He just didn't want to
call you.
* Men hate to lose. I
once beat my husband at tennis. I
asked him, "Are
we going to have sex again?" He said,
"Yes, but not with each
other."
* Getting rid of a man without
hurting his masculinity is
a problem.
"Get out" and "I never want to see you
again" might sound like
a challenge. If you want to get
rid of a man, I suggest
saying, "I love you... I want to
marry you... I want to
have your children." Sometimes
they leave skid marks.
* Men forget everything; women
remember everything.
* That's why men need instant
replays in sports. They've
already forgotten what
happened.
\\\//
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========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj: Short
Difference Jokes (S103)
Top
Subj: Friendships
(S467)
From: DoctorDebt on 1/3/2006
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one
night. The next day she told
her husband that she had slept
over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10
best friends. None of them
knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his
wife that he had slept over
at a friend's house. The woman
called her husband's 10 best
friends. Eight of them
confirmed that he had slept
over, and two claimed that he
was still there.
| Subj:
The Differences in Mirrors (S458b)
From: jbcary1 on 11/1/2005 |
 |
Top
Subj: Women
Are Like Apples And Men Are Like Wine (S377)
From: Imogenelumen on 4/15/2004
Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the
top of the tree. Most
men don't want to reach for the good
ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten
apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but easy.......
So the apples at the
top think something is wrong
with them, when in reality,
they're amazing. They
just have to wait for the right
man to come along, the one who's
brave enough to climb all
the way to the top of the tree.
Share this with other women
who are good apples, even those
who have already been picked!
Men are like a fine wine.
They start out as grapes, and
it's up to women to stomp the
shit out of them until they
turn into something acceptable
to have dinner with.
Top
Subj: The
Many Moods of Mars and Venus (S330)
From: FridaySillinesst on 5/23/2003
THE MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream
of fiction, A woman is a
bundle of contradiction.She's
afraid of a wasp, will
scream at a mouse, But will
tackle a stranger alone in
the house. Sour as vinegar,
sweet as a rose, She'll
kiss you one minute, then turn
up her nose. She'll win
you in rage, enchant you in
silk, She'll be stronger
than brandy, milder than milk.
At times she'll be
vengeful, merry and sad, She'll
hate you like poison,
and love you like mad.
THE MOODS OF A MAN
Hungry.Horny.Sleepy.
Top
Subj: The
Difference Between Men And Women (S65)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #104 on 98-04-29
A man is driving up a steep,
narrow mountain road. A woman
is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other,
the woman leans out the window
and yells: *PIG*!! The man
immediately leans out his window
and replies with"BITCH!"
They each continue on their
way, and as the man rounds the
next corner he slams into a
pig in the middle of the road...
More women do this in the bathroom
than men.
Wash their hands.Women - 80%
Men - 55%
From: auntieg on 98-03-28 (S61)
A man will pay two dollars for
a one-dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar
for a two-dollar item that she
doesn't want.
A woman will always cherish the
memory of the man who wanted
to marry her; a man, of the
woman who didn't.
A woman worries about the future
until she gets a husband,
while a man never worries about
the future until he gets
a wife.
Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because
they are curious. Both
are disappointed.
A successful man is one who makes
more money than his wife
can spend.
A successful woman is one who
can find such a man.
To be happy with a man you must
understand him a lot and
love him a little. To
be happy with a woman you must love
her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.
Married men live longer than
single men, but married men
are a lot more willing to die.
A married man should forget his
mistakes - there's no use
in two people remembering the
same thing.
The Style: Men wake up
as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during
the night.
Marriage: A woman marries a man
expecting he will change,
but he doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting that she
won't change and she does.
The Battle: A woman has the last
word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that
is the beginning of a new
argument.
Husbands: Only two things are
necessary to keep one's wife
happy. One is to let
her think she is having her own way,
and the other is to let her
have it.
There are two times when a man
doesn't understand a woman
- before marriage and after
marriage.
Question: If a man speaks
in the forest and there is no
woman to hear him, is he still
wrong?
From: Bawdy.Net #278 on 99-01-15
Men are from earth. Women are
from earth. Deal with it.
What do men and women have in
common?
They both distrust men.
From: collins2 on 5/31/99 (S130)
Men can read smaller print than
women; women can hear better.
From: RFSlick on 3/10/2001 (S215)
"On the one hand, we'll never
experience childbirth.
On the other hand,we can open
all our own jars."
Bruce Willis (On the difference
between men and women)
From: RFSlick on 8/25/2001 (S239)
Women need a reason to have
sex. Men just need a place.
-- Billy Crystal
From: RFSlick on 8/25/2001 (S239)
Women might be able to fake
orgasms, but men can fake
entire relationships.
-- Sharon Stone
Honesty is the key to a relationship.
If you can fake
that, you're in. -- Courteney
Cox, as Monica on "Friends"
From: igiggle on 4/28/2004 (S379b)
Women speak because they wish
to speak, whereas a man
speaks only when driven to speech
by something outside
himself... like, for instance,
he can't find any clean
socks. -- Jean Kerr
From: igiggle on 5/7/2004 (S380b)
After a quarrel between a man
and a woman, the man suffers
chiefly from the thought that
he has wounded the woman;
the woman suffers from the thought
that she has not
wounded the man enough.
-- Nietzsche
From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/20/2005 (S417b)
Among men, sex sometimes leads
to intimacy; among
women intimacy sometimes leads
to sex.
From: jerry on 5/5/2006 (S485b)
Quote from Dave Barry (the humor
columnist), "The primary
difference between men and women
is that women can see
extremely small quantities of
dirt."
Q: What is the definition of
"making love"?
A: Something a woman does while
a guy is fucking her.
Q: What is a relationship?
A: A way to keep masturbation
from getting boring.
Q: What is it when a man talks
nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks
nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/25/2003 (S325b)
Q: What is the difference between
a wife and a girlfriend?
A: About 45 pounds!!
Q: What is the difference between
a husband and a boyfriend?
A: About 45 minutes !!
From: Anonymous Junior on 10/02/04
(S403b)
Q: What is the difference between
men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to
satisfy her every need.
A man wants every
woman to satisfy his one need.
\\\//
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========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
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