elderly1

.
.

Subj: Elderly1 Jokes, 'old couples'
(Includes 23 jokes and articles, 12 1083,10,cL2f,vYT2a6a,4)

Click "Here" for Elderly1-Supp

ELDERLY1 contains 'old couples' jokes
ELDERLY2 contains jokes about old women or about old men
ELDERLY3 contains oddities about growing old
Elderly4 contains other long and short jokes
============================================================Top
Subj:     Suicide Note (S954)
          From: tom on 4/28/2015
Source1: imgur.com/gallery/n9YSPG5
Source2: 3.bp.blogspot.com/_hvV0JHPYX_I/Sh8-xVwYYnI/AAAAAAAAFS4/
..........O2eB2w3LQoA/s1600-h/23_monsterrally_addams_mangman.jpg
.
...........
.
...........Click 'HERE' to see a similar cartoon
........................from sixty years ago.
.
Top
Subj:     Elderly Couple Share A Meal (S120, S815)
          From: virv on 8/25/2012

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at
McDonalds. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and
an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully
divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries,
one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then
he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set
that in front of his wife.

The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching,
with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to
ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for
them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old
gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and
everything has always been and will always be shared,
50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going
to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

Top

Subj: Our Sexual Relations (S472c)
From: darrell94590 on 1/28/2006
.

This cute picture and joke can be seen by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: Sam Buys A Pair Of Boots (S119)
From: RFSlick on 5/12/99

(Also see 'Sam Buys A Pair Of Alligator Shoes' in ALLIGATOR
and see 'Buying Cowboy Boots' in COWBOY
.......and 'Bert's New Golf Shoes' in GOLF-SUPP)

Sam and Bessie have been married for forty years. During
those years Sam always wanted to own an expensive pair of
cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair
and wears them home. He walks into the kitchen and asks
Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?

"What's different? Its the same shirt you wore yesterday
and the same pants. What's different? Frustrated, Sam
goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely
naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie,
do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam? Its hanging down today, it was
hanging down yesterday, and it will be hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why its hanging down?
"Cause it's looking at my new boots."

Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

Top
Subj:     Pickles Comic Strips (S963)
          By Brian Crane on 6/27/2015
Source: www.gocomics.com/pickles/2015/06/27
.
.
.
.
Top
Subj:     Elderly Couple Having Problems Remembering (S126b)
          From: RFSlick on 6/23/99

(See 'Elderly Couple In The Park' in ELDERLY1)

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things,
so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to
make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at
the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems
they were having with their memory. After checking the couple
out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but
might want to start writing things down and make notes to help
them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night
while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his
wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies,
"Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down
so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on
top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget
that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice
cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I
know you will forget that so you better write it down." With
irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that
down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands
her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my
toast."

Top
Subj: 3 Pickles Comic Strips (S678)
By Brian Crane on 1/5/2010
Source: www.gocomics.com/pickles/2009/12/26
and at www.gocomics.com/pickles/2010/01/04
and at www.gocomics.com/pickles/2010/01/05

After the exciting first year of marriage, sleeping with
a second person in your bed is challenging. Read these
three Pickles' strips to understand a little of this problem.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Top
Subj: Highway Patrol Pulls Over Elderly Woman (S102)
From: thebartend on 99-01-13

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman
was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The patrolman
says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband
and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman
gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some
time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks," What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

Top
Subj: Highway Patrol Pulls Over Five Elderly Women (S373)
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/16/2004

Same as 'Highway Partol Pulls Over Five Ladies' in Elderly2-Supp.

Top
Subj:     The Three Rules Of Old Age (S411b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/8/2004
Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
.
..............
.
.
Top
Subj:    Elderly Couple In The Park

(See 'Elderly Couple Having Problems Remembering' in ELDERLY1)

This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a
large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors
sell all types of food stuff.

The wife turns to hubby and say, "I could really go for an
ice cream cone."

Hubby replies, "Well, I'll go get you one."

Wife: But, you'll forget, you better write it down.

Hub: No I wont - what do you want?

Wife: Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles.

Hub: OK - Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles - see
I'll remember.

Several hours pass an finally hubby returns.

Wife: What took you so long, did you get lost.

Hub: No - and I got what you wanted.

The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?!

Wife: I knew you you should have written the order down.

Hub: What do you mean - every thing is there?

Wife: No it's not - look - you forgot the piclkes.

Top
Subj:     Pickles Comic Strip (S1083)
          By Brian Crane on 10/12/2017
Source: http://www.gocomics.com/pickles/2017/10/12
.
.
.
.
Top
Subj:     Elderly Couple Wants Baby

(See 'Harold And Sperm Specimen' in SPERM)

An elderly couple walk into a doctor's office. The man tells
the doctor, "Doctor, we want to have a baby." The doctor
replies,"At your age I don't think it's possible, but I'll
give you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample."

So the couple comes back a few days later. They give the
doctor an empty jar. The doctor says, "I was afraid of
this."

The old man says,"No, it's not what you think. I tried it
with my left hand. I tried it with my right hand. She
tried it with her left hand. She tried it with her right
hand. She tried it with her teeth in. She tried it with
her teeth out. But we couldn't get the lid off the jar."

Top
Subj:     Retarded Grandparents (S1021)
          From: Sherri Madsen on Facebook on 8/7/2016
Source: www.flickr.com/photos/10207050@N08/27067854004
.
.....
.
.
Top
Subj:     Elderly Couple Has Check-Up (S479b, S631c)
..........From: tom on 2/8/2009

As my wife and I are approaching our 63rd and 65th birthdays,
respectively, we scheduled our annual medical examination the
same day, so we could travel together. After my examination,
the doctor said, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have
any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," I said. "After I am intimate with my wife the
first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I the
second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some
research and get back to you."

After examining my wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears
to be fine. Do you have any medial concerns that you would
like to discuss with me?"

She replied that she had no questions, nor concerns. The doctor
then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims
that he is usually hot and sweaty after being intimate the first
time with you and cold and chilly after the second time, do you
know why?"

"Oh, that old fart!" she replied. "That's because, the first time
is usually in July and the second time is usually in December."

Top
Subj: Second Elderly Couple Has Check-Up Joke (S140, S772)
..........From: gattica30 on 6/16/2009
and From: hilary.miller05 on 11/2/2011

An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to
have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends
the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman
in. The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the
examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband
first." The old woman says, "Oh no, it's his heart. I told
him to lay off the eggs."

The doctor says, "No, physically he is OK, but I'm worried
about him mentally." The old woman questions, "Whatever do
you mean?" The doctor says, "Well I asked your husband how
he is feeling and he told me he felt great.

He said that when he got up to go the bathroom, he opened the
door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done,
he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for
him." The old woman responded, "Son of a gun, he's peeing in
the fridge again!"

Top

Subj: Elderly Couple Rent Room To Model
.
Drawing from HomeEconomiser.com

Click 'HERE' to read this cute joke.

Top
Subj: Worms Can Teach You Something
From: humorlist-digest V2 #33 on 98-02-03

A grandfather and his grandson were out in the garden
digging worms to go fishing when, finally, the grandson
saw a worm sticking about halfway out of a hole. The
grandson grabbed hold of the worm and pulled it out the
rest of the way. He turns to his elder and says, "Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you
can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little
hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with
a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is
straight and stiff as a board. Without any trouble, he
puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs
the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes
later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little
boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five
dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from
your grandma."

Top
Subj: Elderly Couple In Old Folk's Home Have Sex
From Bawdy.Net Collage #20

(See 'Dates Toes Curl During Sex' in Dating1
......and see version 2 below)

An elderly man and woman at the Old Folk's Home were sitting
and chatting on a porch enjoying a warm summer evening when
all of a sudden the old man got a little "frisky" and
suggested to the old woman that they go inside and do *it*.

Well, the woman hesitated, not really interested in having
sex that evening but the man was quite persistent and said,
"Honey, if you'll have sex with me, I'll give you $50".
She thought to herself, "Well, I could use the money so
what the hell." and off they went. Both were exhausted
afterwards and the old man said, "Gee, if I would have known
you were a virgin, I would have offered you $100 bucks".

The old woman looked at him and said, "Well, shit, if I
would have known you would have given me $100 bucks, I'd
have taken off my damn panty hose!"

Top
Subj:     Pickles Comic Strip II (S681)
          By Brian Crane on 1/25/2010
Source: www.gocomics.com/pickles/2010/01/25
.
.
.
.
Top
Subj:     Fred And Edith Go For A Boat Ride (S607c)
          From: ipkis on 97-09-08
      and From: redcatt on 8/21/2008

Fred and Edith were living in the Old Folks Home. One day,
Fred says to Edith, "Hey, Edith! You wanna go for a boat ride?"
Edith says, "Sure!"

So, there they were paddling along... and they come to a fork
in the river. Fred says, pointing to the left and then to the
right, Edith... up or down?" Edith says, "What??" Fred, again,
pointing to the left and then to the right, says "Up... or down?"
Well, Edith starts RIPPING her clothes off, then rips the clothes
right off of Fred's back and starts screwing the hell out of him!
When they're finished, Fred rows back to the Old Folks Home
*extremely* happy.

The next week, Fred says "Edith (wink, wink) wanna go for a boat
ride? (wink, wink)" Edith says, "Why, sure!" So, there they
go, Fred paddling like a madman, trying to reach the fork in the
river.

They reach the fork and Fred turns anxiously to Edith and says,
"Edith! Up or down!?" Edith looks at the fork in the river and
says, "Oh... up, I guess." Fred looks at her confused and
repeats, "Edith... UP or DOWN?" Edith, again looks at the fork
and repeats, "UP."

Fred, looking quite confused says "Edith... what is with you?
Last week I said 'up or down' and you tore your clothes off and
screwed me like a madwoman!" Edith, shocked says: "Is THAT what
you said? UP or DOWN? Omigosh... my hearing aid was in the shop
getting fixed last week... I thought you said 'Fuck or Drown'!"

Top
Subj: Wife Puts Husband In Rest Home (S458b)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #220 on 97-10-11

(Also see 'The 100th Birthday Party' in Birthday)

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was
suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved
him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer.
He would wander about never knowing where he was or
sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing
home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out
paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair.
Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left.
The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to
prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning
to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow
on his right side. Then he starting leaning forward.

This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair. About
this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork,
walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."

Top
Subj: Couples 50th Anniversary

and 50th Anniversary w/Cheap, Late Kids (S322)

and Rancher's 50th Anniversary (S291b)

and Hillbilly's 60 Anniversary (S320b)

and 75th Wedding Anniversary

These five jokes have moved to Elderly1-Supp

Top

Subj: Elderly Oral Sex (S492)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 6/29/2006
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)

To view this cute cartoon, click 'HERE'.

\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
.
...........................From Smiley_Central.
.
.