Elderly2 Supp

>>>
Subj: Elderly2-Supp, old women or old men (Gz)
(Includes 20 jokes and articles)

Old Man Sits on Bed
is from
JOELFALLON
on 11/15/2004

Includes the following:

ELDERLY1 contains 'old couples' jokes
ELDERLY2 contains jokes about old women or about old men
ELDERLY3 contains oddities about growing old
Elderly4 contains other long and short jokes
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Subj: Make My Day (S552)
From: rfslick on 8/13/2007

This 1,100 KB is a cute, old folk's revenge movie.
You can watch it on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Senior Dating (S558)
          From: darrellvip on 9/25/2007

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to
talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'

Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
    punctually at 7 PM., dressed like such a gentleman in a
    fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
    Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a
    luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
    Then he takes me out for dinner... amarvelous dinner...
    lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
    Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I
    enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
    So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns
    into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my
    expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!'

Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I
shouldn't go out with him?'

Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'

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Subj:     Two Old Ladies On A Bus (S474b)
          From: Phil at Bridge Center on 2/6/2006

Two old Ladies on a bus. One asks the other "Is the man
behind me good looking?"

"He's young."

"I know he is young, but is he good looking?"

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Subj:     Two Old Ladies On The Porch (S589c)
          From: darrellvip on 4/26/2008

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'

The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'

After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
'Who drives you to the beach?'

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Subj:     Drawing Of Two Old Ladies (S584b)
          From: LABLaughsClean
          on 3/28/2008

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20050302

I like this drawing of two old ladies so I put it on
my web site. Click on the above source, or 'HERE' to
view the drawing.

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Subj:     Carrying Bucket, Anvil, 2 Chickens, and a Goose (S471b)
          From: DoctorDebt on 1/24/2006
          (Also see 'Farmer Buys Too Much Stuff' in Farmer2

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live
far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock
dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,
struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry
all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he
was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616
Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot".

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he
said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says: "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that
when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall,
pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an
anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I
possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

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Subj:     Visiting Grandma (S457)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 10/24/2005

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson,
who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I
am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door.
With your elbow push button 14T.

I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.

Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on
the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these
buttons with my elbow"?

"You're coming empty handed"?

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Subj:     Two Old Ladies And The Suppository (S448)
          From: auntiegah on 8/20/2005
          (Also see 'Old Man’s Hearing Aid Doesn’t Work' in BODY-PARTS)

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one
morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear
and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository
in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled
it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you
saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

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Subj:     Highway Partol Pulls Over Five Ladies (S425)
          From: DoctorDebt on 3/13/2005
          At: http://www.craftonreunion.org/home/id85.html

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to
catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car
puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This
driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on
his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies
- two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and
white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go
exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you
should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also
be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed
limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says
a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains
to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer
for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone
in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't
muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with
concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off
Route 119."

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Subj:     Two Elderly Ladies Talk About Dead Husband (S424b)
         From: DoctorDebt on 3/13/2005
          At: http://www.craftonreunion.org/home/id85.html

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing
one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's
health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up
a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down
dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

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Subj:     Granny And The Air Bag (S583c)
          From: hellgunner50 on 3/22/2008
Picture from Yahoo! Videos...

Source http://www.sonnyradio.com/GrannyAirBag.html

A lady was video taping her son riding a skate board when
her attention switched to an old woman trying to cross the
street. It is the best direct hit we've have seen in some
time. Turn your sound up and you can hear the lady that
is taping also giggling as she records the event. Priceless.
You can view the video at the source above, or on my web
site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Maxine's Living Will (S588 in Hospital1)
          From: ginafm on 4/25/2008

I've grown tired of most of Maxine's 'Pearls of Wisdom',
but this one is great. You can view it on my web site
by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Multi-Tasking (S477b)
          From: LABLaughsClean
          on 3/13/2007

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20060311

You can view this cute cartoon at the source above, or on
my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Two Old Men Sitting On A Park Bench (S593)
          From: ginafm on 5/29/2008

There were two old men sitting on a park bench talking.
One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?"

Second old man replied, "I think she may be Dead!"

First old man, "What do you mean you think she is DEAD?"

Second old man, "Well.... the sex is the same but the
dishes are starting to pile up."

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Subj:     80 Year Old Plans To Marry (S531b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 3/20/2007

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good at making you feel loved?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

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Subj:     Max And Wally Met In The Park (S530)
          From: darrell94590 on 3/15/2007

Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park
every day. One day Wally didn't show up. After a week
Max really got worried. Max couldn't remember where Wally
lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month passed and as Max approached the park and there sat
Wally! Max asked, "What happened to you??? "

"I have been in jail."

"Jail???," cried Max!! "What for???"

"Well, You know that blonde waitress at the coffee shop?"
Then Wally added, "Last month she got mad at me and to get
even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what
everyone would think an old guy like me could still do,
that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'. The judge
then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury"

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Subj:     Two Old Guys At Wal-Wart (S499)
          From: darrell94590 on 8/11/2006

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when
they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I
wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm
getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find
her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is
wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."

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Subj:     Mother Goose On Grandfathers (S597)
          From: Grimmy.com on 6/27/2008
Source: http://www.grimmy.com/comics.php

You can view this cute comic strip on the subject of
grandfathers on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Mexican In Jewish Nursing Home (S471b)
          From: darrell94590 on 1/31/2006

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather
in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were
completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to
visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's
wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,"
says grandpa. "We're so happy for you; we were worried
that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since
you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat
the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't
played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls
him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't
been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him
'Your Honor'!"

"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't
been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still
calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And me......, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they
still call me 'The Fucking Mexican'

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Subj:     Guessing An Old Man's Age (S468)
          From: DoctorDebt on 1/9/2006

Three old ornery and very bored grandmas were sitting on a
bench outside a nursing home. About then an old man walked
by and one of the grandmas says, "Betcha we can guess how
old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess how old
I am."

One of the grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under-
shorts and we can tell your exact age."

He did. The grandmas stared at him for a while and then they
all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

The old man was stunned. "Amazing! How did you guess that?"
The grandmas laughed until tears were rolling down their
cheeks. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear,
all three happily yelled in unison.. "You told us yesterday!"

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Subj: Why We Don't Take Grandpa To Mardi Gras
      From: darrell94590 on 4/21/2006 (S482c in Southern)

You can view this cute photo on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     An Old Man's Dreams (S585c)
          From: tom on 4/4/2008

This is a wonderful photo of an old man. You
can see it on my web site by clciking 'HERE'.

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Great-Grandma Smiley from
Smiley_Central

.