elderly2

>>>
Subj: Elderly2, old women or old men (Gz)
(Includes 33 jokes and articles)

Click "Here" for Elderly2-Supp

Fishing w/Grandson from
Animation Factory

Includes the following:

ELDERLY1 contains 'old couples' jokes
ELDERLY2 contains jokes about old women or about old men
ELDERLY3 contains oddities about growing old
Elderly4 contains other long and short jokes
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Jokes about old women<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
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Subj:     Wheel Chair Demon (S170, S431)
          From: mbucher on 5/3/00
      and From: auntiegah on 4/27/2005
          (See 'Blonde Stopped By Cop' in BLONDE1)

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to
charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one
wheel and getting up to maximum speed in the long
corridors. Because she is a few 'sandwiches short of
a picnic', the other residents tolerate her and some
actually join in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door
opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm out-
stretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have
you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-
Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and
away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,
Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted
"STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster,
and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said "Carry
on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door,
Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked,
with a very sizable erection in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again!"

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Subj:     Elderly Lady Receives Radio (S195, S550c)
          From: RFSlick on 10/27/2000
      and From: SCOTCOB on 7/28/2007

This will warm your heart. Just when you have lost faith in
human kindness. Someone who teaches at a middle school in
Safety Harbor, Florida, forwarded the following letter. The
letter was sent to the principal's office after the school
had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady
received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was
writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all
humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift
today.

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School :
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the
Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family
has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for
your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95
and has always had her own radio; but before I received one,
she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was
napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke
into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to
kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston

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Subj:     Old Age Chuckle of the Day

Remember, old folks are worth a fortune, with SILVER in their
hair, GOLD in their teeth, STONES in their kidneys, LEAD in
their feet, and GAS in their stomach.

I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few
changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have
become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen
every day.

As soon as I wake up, WILL POWER helps me get out of bed.
Then I go to see JOHN. Then CHARLIE HORSE comes along, and
when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention.
Then when he leaves, AUTHOR RITIS shows up and stays the
rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very
long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a
busy day I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with BEN
GAY. What a life!!

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at
my age I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told
him, oh I do all the time. No matter where I am in the
parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement,
I ask myself what am I here after?

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Subj:     Two Old Ladies Discuss Sex Activities (S222, DU)
          From: KMACINTY on 3/14/2001
          (See 'Two Old Ladies On The Porch' in ELDERLY4

Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their
sexual activities. The first old woman told the second
old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at
night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting
both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea,
so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to
get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the
process of putting her legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she
was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in
place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg,
so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it
behind her head. However, she had rocked just a little
too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got
stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.

It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair
and put your teeth in .... You look like an asshole".

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Subj:     Old Lady Goes To Rest Home (S306b, S372b)
          From: RFSlick on 11/25/2002
      and From: Imogenelumen on 3/11/2004

Story, not joke.

She is 92 years old, petite, well poised, and proud. She
is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her

hair fashionably coifed, and her makeup perfectly applied, in spite of the fact she is legally blind.

Today she has moved to a nursing home. Her husband of 70
years recently passed away, making this move necessary.

After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the
nursing home, where I am employed, she smiled sweetly when
told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to
the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny
room, including the eyelet curtains that had been hung on

her window. the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet curtains that had been hung on her window.

"I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm

of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a
new puppy. "Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room...
just wait," I said.

Then she spoke these words that I will never forget:
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied.
Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the

furniture is arranged... it's how I arrange
my mind. I already decided to love it "It's
a decision I make every morning when I wake
up.

I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed

recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my
body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be
thankful for the ones that do.

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes

open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy
memories I've stored away just for this time in my

life. Old age is like a bank account...
you withdraw from what you've put in.

My advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness

in the bank account of memories. Thank you

for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still
depositing.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.

     2. Free your mind from worries.

         3. Live simply.

              4. Give more.

                  5. Expect less.

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Subj:     Two Old Ladies Go To Two Rest Homes (S174, DU)
          From: icohen on 5/24/00

Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen lived next door to each other
for over 40 years, and over the years became loving friends.
One day Mrs. Murphy came to Mrs. Cohen and said, "This house
is becoming to much for us, let's sell it and each move into
a home for the aged.

Each went to a home of their respective religions, and were
soon placed. Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen,
and one day asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit
her old friend Mrs. Cohen. When she arrived she was greeted
with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said "So how do
you like it here."

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the
facility and the care takers. She then said, "You know the
best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful. Tell me what you
do."

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room, and sit on
the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then
on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs."

Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you Mrs. Murphy?"

She said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that
she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "So what do you do?"

"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of
the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch
me down below."

Mrs. Cohen said, "And then what do you do?"

Mrs. Murphy said, "Since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck."

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Subj:     Three Old Ladies Parade Nude (S29, DU)
          From: ipkis on 97-08-07
          (See 'Love Dress...' in NUDIST)

Three old ladies in a nursing home were trying to get the
attention of three old men in the home. One day when the
old men were sitting on the porch the ladies paraded up
and down the porch but the men did not appear to notice them.

The next day the ladies went shopping and bought some very
attractive clothes, got dressed up paraded on the porch and
still no reaction from the old men.

Not knowing what else to do the ladies took all their clothes
off and paraded up and down the porch completely naked.

One old man said to another, "I don't know what they are
wearing today but it sure needs ironing!"

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Subj:     Three Old Sisters Live Together (S244b, DU)
          From: Max Weinstein on 8/20/96
      and From: buddy94510 on 10/5/2001

Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot
in and pauses. She yells down the stairs "was I getting
in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and
see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "was I going
up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says "I
sure hope I never get that forgetful". She knocks on wood
for good measure.

She then yells "I'll come up and help both of you as soon
as I see who's at the door."

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Subj:     Ellie Wants SUPERSEX (S66, S452)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #107 on 98-05-02
      and From: DoctorDebt 9/16/2005

The girls from the nursing home decided to stop at the local
bar for a cocktail after their weekly bridge game.

Ellie had one martini too many and upon here return to the
home was feeling horney. She took off her panties and put
them into her handbag and burst into George's room, pulled
up her dress and shouted - SUPERSEX!!!

George said "Ellie, for god's sake, my daughter is coming to
visit and is due any minute.

Crestfallen, Ellie left but was still feeling horney, so she
went on down the hall to Jim's room and again burst in, dress
up, shouting - SUPERSEX!!!

Jim looked up from his bed and said, "I'd like to help you
out but this thing hasn't been up in ten years.

Now Ellie is really depressed, but, she is made of strong stuff.

Finally she goes to the end of the hall and jumps into Fred's
room. Same routine, dress up, shouting - SUPERSEX!!!

Fred looks at her for a moment and says: "I'll take the soup."

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Subj:     Little Old Lady Meets Bank President (S180, S374)
          From: ICohen on 7/11/00
      and From: mombear1 on 3/24/2004
          (See 'Bringing Your Lawyer To The IRS' in Tax-Supp)

A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase
Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She
told the young man at the window that she wished to take the
$3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the
bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the
president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money
involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable
request and after opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles
of $1000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million,
telephoned the banker's secretary to obtain an appointment
for the lady.

The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's
office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would
like to get to know the people she did business with on a more
personal level. The bank president then asked her where she
came into such a large amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?"
he asked.

"No." she answered.

"Was it from playing the stock market?" he asked because he
could not think of where this little old lady could possibly
come into $3 million.

"No." she answered "I bet."

"You bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?"

"No." she replied, "I bet people."

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs bets
different things with people. All of a sudden she said,
"I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow
morning, your balls will be square."

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and
decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he
could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank president
was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening
and take no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he
checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no
difference; he looked the same as he always had. He went
to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at
10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would
be a good day; how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for
doing nothing.

At 10:00 o'clock sharp, the little old lady was shown into
his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired
as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him
that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when
there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked,
"what about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I
am the same as I've always been only $25,000.00 richer."

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be
able to see for herself. The bank president thought this
was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed
him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure
enough, everything was fine. The bank president then
looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room
banging his head against the wall.

"What' wrong with him?" he inquired.

"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by
10:00 o'clock this morning that I'd have the president
of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

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Subj:     Three Wishes And A Cat

See 'Cinderella at 75' in FAIRYTALES

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Subj:     Little Old Lady And The Dildoe (DU)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
          (Also see 'Little Old Lady Visits Sex Shop' in PUSSY)

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and
asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l
d-dildoes h-here?" The saleman, somewhat taken aback by the
little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes,
Ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10
inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave an-ny ab-bb-bout
th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes Ma'am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are
an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well... Yes ma'am a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

"Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."

"W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

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Subj:     Mother's And Grandmother's Hedgehogs Seen By Son (DU)

A little kid goes up to his mother who is lying in the bath
naked, and asks her: "Mummy...whasat??"

His mother thinks for a little while and then says: "Oh,
son...that's my hedgehog." And the little boy walks away
quite happy with the reply.

The next week, he walks into the bathroom and sees his
wrinkly old grandma lying naked in the bath. He asks her
what she had between her legs, and again she tries to
explain that it's a hedgehog.

The little kid then runs screaming to his mother and shouts:
"Mummy, Mummy, Grandma's hedgehog is dead!"

"Why do you say that son?"

"Because I could see it's guts hanging out all over the
place!"

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Subj:     60 Year Old Woman Hears Voice (DU)
          From: thebartend on 98-04-01

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when
she heard a voice from above "You will live to be 100."
She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard
"You will live to be 100."

Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God.
I've got 40 more years to live! So off she went to the
plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe.

When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by
a bus, died, and went up to heaven.

She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I
was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you
let the bus kill me?".

God said: "I didn't recognize you".

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Subj:     Suicidel 83 Year Old Woman (S168, S568b)
          From: RFSlick on 98-08-12
      and From: gheckman on 4/19/00

Mildred was a 83 year-old woman who was particularly despondent
over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that
she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking
that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself
in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and
burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as
to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be two inches
below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was treated for a gunshot wound to
her left kneecap.

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Subj:     A Phone Call To Grandpa (S461)
          From: darrell94590
          on 11/16/2005

A very cute, short, sexy WMV movie. You can view it on my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Two Old Men, Wheat Bread and Sex (S282, S477b)
          From: thebartend on 6/26/2002
      and From: auntiegah on 3/12/2006

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about
sex. Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last
night with a 30-year-old!"

Leon replies, "You're kidding. I can't even manage to
do it once. What's your secret?"

Elmer replies, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of
whole-wheat bread."

So the second old man rushes to the store.

The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'

"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please."

The clerk says, "That's a lot of bread. It's sure to
get hard before you're done."

The old man says, "Damn! Does everyone know about this
except me?"

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Subj:     Grandpa Likes Hospital (S289)
          From: thebartend on 4/30/99
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/12/2002

Man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.
"How are you grandpa? he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better.
These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night.
At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate
and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it.
"I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this,
so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're
giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely
that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister.

"Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate
and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The
chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from
rolling out of bed."

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Subj:     Grandpa Sits Without His Pants (S110, S377b)
          From: FrankRoesc on 99-02-27
      and From: jbcary1 on 4/4/2004

A man is walking down the street past his grandparent's house
when he sees his grandfather sitting on the front porch swing
with his pants off. Concerned, the man approaches the house
and asks if his grandfather is alright. Confused, the grand-
father replies, "Oh, I'm fine. Why do you ask?" The man says
"Well grandpa, you are sitting on the front porch with your
pants off?!?!" "Oh that," replies the grandfather. "I was
sitting on the front porch last night with my shirt off and I
got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea."

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Subj:     Two Old Widowers And The Newspaper
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #260 on 98-10-29

Jake and Saul are two old retired widowers who reside close
to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other.
Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather
than real friendship or personal affection.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the
morning paper and turns to the 'Obits' page. He gets the
shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the
column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the
local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation
for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken
entry from their database, premature and erroneous..

It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up.
"Jake, are you up yet?"

Jake sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my
coffee."

"Jake. Open the newspaper to page 31."

"Why, what's in the paper?"

"Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"

"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"

"Jake, open the paper to page 31 already!"

"All right, don't be such a pain in the butt so early in
the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so
important?"

"Jake, look at the bottom of column 4."

"Why? What's that story on?"

"Jake, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"

"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling
in my ear!"

The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause
ensues. Finally, Jake comes on the line quietly and fearfully,
"So Saul, where are you calling me from right now?"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Old Man Bribes Junior High Kids (S220)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 3/14/2001

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home
near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks
of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new
school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys,
full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his
street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered.
The crashing percussion continued day after day, until
finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some
action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the
young percussionists as they banged their way down the
street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of
fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that.
In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age.
Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if
you'll promise to come around every day and do your
thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-
up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but
this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's
really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From
now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the
cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted
his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days
later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed
their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check
yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25
cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think
we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for
a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the
old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

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Subj:     80 Year Old Has Three Kids (S249b)
          From: ICohen on 11/1/2001

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married
a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital
to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is
amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered,
"You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse
said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He
again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said,
"You must be quite a man." He responded, "You've got to
keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well,
you had better change the oil, this one's black."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     90 Year Old Geezer Has Baby (S62, S593b)
          From: RBishop707 on 97-10-22
      and From: LABLaughsAdult on 6/4/2008

An 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly
check-up.

When asked how he was feeling, the 86-year-old replied,
"Things are just great and I've never felt better. I now
have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
So what do you think about that Doc?"

The Doctor considered his question for a minute and then
began to tell a story. "I have an elderly friend, much
like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a
hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead
of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very
large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He
realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised
his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his
favorite hunting rifle and went 'Bang Bang'."

"Incredibly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over
dead. Now, what do you think of that?' asked the Doctor.

The 86-year-old thought for a minute and said, "Logic would
strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of
rounds into that beaver."

The Doctor replied, "My point exactly."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Elderly Man Uses Toilet On Bus

A terible thing happened the other day, on our coaches way
to the Rock Essthingy Grand Final in Sydney. The driver
made an announcement, that no passengers should use the on
bus toilet, as there was a problem with the lock and the
door, just as an old man, one of the dancer's grandfathers,
had gone in and started about his buisness.

We rounded a corner, and there was this horrendous thump,
and pitiful shit, as the poor old coot became unthroned,
and fell out the door. There he lay on the floor, pants
down around his ankles, and his shrivelled old penis there
for the world to see.

The rotten thing, was that one of the old ladies sitting
on the aisle near where he landed had a stroke.

But the one next to her, was really pissed off, cause she
couldn't reach.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     60 Year Old Man Discusses Family w/Doctor (S136, S585b)
          From: JCary on 9/3/99
      and From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/4/2008

A 60 year old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor
told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong
with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a
35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor
was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he
still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times
a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was
your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are
60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive?
Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and
surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the
patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is
getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather
want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he
wanted to?"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Grandfather Explains Sex To Grandson (S26)
          From: ipkis on 97-07-17
      and From: RFSlick on 4/4/2001

The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his
grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.
His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you
want it all the time... and maybe do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.
Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When
you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year...
maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about
you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just
have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I
go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, 'Fuck You', and I
holler back, 'Fuck You too.'

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Elderly Man Visits Social Security Office (S166, S394b)
          From: gheckman on 04/04/2000
      and From: DoctorDebt on 8/10/2004

A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office
to sign up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk
asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet
the embarassed man realized he had left it home.

After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied:
"Don't worry, just open your shirt and if your chest hair
is gray you will qualify." The senior citizen opened up
his shirt and was soon signed up for his benefits.

Upon arriving home he related the story to his wife. She
looked at him, smiled and said "too bad you didn't drop
your drawers--you would have qualified for disability too!

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Little Girl Sits On Grandpa's Lap
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #177

A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?

"Why sure you can." her grandfather replied.

As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa,
can you make a sound like a frog?"

"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound
like a frog."

The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a
sound like a frog?"

Perplexed, her granddad says, "Sweetheart, why do you want
me to make a sound like a frog?"

And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when
you croak, we're going to Florida!"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Father Sent To Nursing Home
          From: ipkis on 97-06-30

One day a son says to his father that he has to take him
to the home for the elderely. The old man is pretty upset
about this, but the son tells him that it must be done, as
he is getting to old for him too take care of. Before the
son leaves his dad at the home, he explains that he must
at least try out the home and if he doesn't like it after
a couple of days, then he can come back home, but atleast
give it a chance.

The father is sitting on the side of his bed when a young
nurse walks into his room, pulls down his pajamas and gives
him a blow job. After she is finished, the father runs to
the phone and calls his son to tell him, that this is the
best thing that could have happended in his old age. The
son says that he is glad to see that him happy again and
I hopes that he continues to like it there.

The next day the old man is walking down the hall and he
drops his cane, so he bends over to pick it up and a male
nurse jumps out of a doorway, yanks down the old mans
pajamas and corn holes the old fellow. The old man phones
up his son and tells him what just happended and says he
must get out of there right away.

His son tells him that he has to weigh the pros and cons
about the place. What about that nurse that gave you the
blow job?

The father says, "Look! I'm 94 years old and I only get a
hard on twice a year, but I drop my cane ten times a day.
Get me the fuck out of here!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Old Man Has 100th Birthday

Man getting ready to celebrate his 100th birthday. All
his freinds get together and send him a woman. She
knocks at his door and he answers it to find every man's
dream girl. She says to him - I'm here to give you
supersex. He says to the young lady - thanks for coming
over young lady but I think it will have to be the soup!

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Old Man And Punk Rocker On A Bus (S94, S437)
          From: RFSlick on 98-09-22
      and From: tnkr on 6/12/2005

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked,
multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His
clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are
bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are
riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright
feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an
old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally,
the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What
are you looking at you old fart......didn't you ever do anything
wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when
I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in
Singapore, and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were
my son."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Man Has Face Lift (S41)
          From: Octagon999 on 97-11-10
          (see 'Old Woman Guesses Old Man's Age' in Elderly4)

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He
spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On
his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you
don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man
says happily.

A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and
asks the order taker the same question, to which the
reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"

"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really
good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he
asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I
am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I
was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age.
If I put my hand down your pants and play with your
balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact
age." As there was no one else around the man thought
what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done.
You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you
do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Two Old Men And A Hearing Aid (S222)
          From: BEN'S JOKE PAGE
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/2/2001

There were these two old men sitting on the pourch rocking
one day. One looks over to the other and begins to explain,
brag, and detail this new hearing aid he has just purchased.
He told of the great technology that it took to build this
great hearing aid. He told that NASA has enquired about the
tech it took to build this great little machine.

He boasted of the great design and of how it was so very
un-noticeable. Well he went on for what seemed the longest
when finaly the other old man stopped him and said," Well,
what kind is it?".

The gentleman with the new aid replied looking toward his
watch,"Oh, it's about 3:00 ".

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Three Old Men Talk About Their Problems (S45)
          From The Bartenders Joke of the day for 08 Dec 97

Three old men were talking about the best thing that could
happen to them at that time of life. The 80 year old said
"The best thing that could happen to me is to be able to
have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and
hurts, and I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year old said "The best thing could happen to me is
if I could have a good bowel movement. I take every kind
of laxative I can get my hands on and it is still a problem."

The 90 year old man said "That's not my problem, every
morning at 6:00 am sharp I have a good long pee and at
6:30 sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing
that could happen to me is if I could wake up before 7:00."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Three Old Men With The Shakes
          From: Bawdy.Net #227 on 98-01-31

The three old men were sitting around complaining about how
much their hands shook. The first geezer said, "My hands
shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad
that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my
flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands
shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday I came three
times."

\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================

Great-Grandma Smiley from
Smiley_Central

.