Subj: Elderly3 Supplement (Gz)
(Includes 20 jokes and articles)
Man Feeeding Pigeons
from
Gifarchiv.net
| >>>
Subj: Elderly3 Supplement (Gz) (Includes 20 jokes and articles) |
|
Man Feeeding Pigeons from Gifarchiv.net |
ELDERLY1 contains 'old couples' jokes
ELDERLY2 contains jokes about old
women or about old men
ELDERLY3 contains oddities about growing
old
Elderly4 contains other long and short
jokes
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| Subj:
Question-Answers About Retirement (S525b)
From: darrell94590 on 2/2/2007 |
 |
This web page has cute jokes,
funny pictures, and wonderful
background music. You
can view it on my site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Quotes About Grandkids
And Grandparents With Music
From: LABLaughsClean on 9/25/2006 (S505b, S571c) and From: gordonschuk on 12/27/2007 |
Click 'HERE'
to read these wonderful quotes, see the
pictures, and hear the music.
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| Subj:
What Is A Grandparent (S575b)
From: rfslick on 1/17/2008 |
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Subj: Retirees:
Question And Answer (S467)
From: LABLaughsClean on 12/30/2005
Question: When is a retiree's
bedtime?
Answer: Three
hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees
to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only
one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest
gripe of retirees?
Answer: There
is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees
mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The
term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees
what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied
shoes.
Question: Why do retirees
count pennies?
Answers: They are
the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common
term for someone who enjoys
work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees
so slow to clean out the
basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They
know that as soon as they do, one of
their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees
call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best
way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never
ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest
advantage of going back
to school as a retiree?
Answer: If
you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree
often say he doesn't miss
work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He
is too polite to tell the whole truth.
From: Carfal on 5/8/2007
Question: How many days
in a week?
Answer: 6
Saturdays, 1 Sunday
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Subj: Letter
From Grandma (S419)
From: LABLaughsClean on 2/4/2005
Dear Grandson,
I have become a little older
since I saw you last, and a few
changes have come into my life
since then. Frankly, I have
become a frivolous old gal.
I am seeing five gentlemen
everyday. As soon as I wake
up, Will Power helps me get out
of bed.
Then I go to see John.
Then Charlie Horse comes along,
and when he is here he takes
a lot of my time and attention.
When he leaves, Arthur Ritis
shows up and stays the rest of
the day. He doesn't like to
stay in one place very long, so
he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really
tired and glad to go to
bed with Ben Gay.
What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.
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Subj: On Old
Age (S403)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 7/23/2004
At: http://www.ezines4all.com/pics/old.htm
A passer-by noticed an old lady
sitting on her front step:
"I couldn't help noticing how
happy you look! What is your
secret for such a long, happy
life?"
 |
"I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes
a day", she said. "Before I go
to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.
Apart from that, I drink a
whole bottle of Jack Daniels
every week, and eat only junk food.
On weekends I pop a huge number
of pills and do no exercise at all."
"This is absolutely amazing at
your age!!!!", says the passer-by.
"How old are you?"
"Twenty four"
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Subj: The
Over 40 Test (S390b, S584c)
From: Imogenelumen on 7/12/2004
and
From: darrellvip on 4/2/2008
Here's a little test for anyone over 40 - Have Fun!
1. After the Lone Ranger saved
the day and rode off into
the sunset,
the grateful citizens would ask, "Who was
that masked
man?" Invariably, someone would answer, "I
don't know,
but he left this behind." "What did he leave
behind?
___________________________
2. When the Beatles first came
to the U.S. in early 1964,
we all watched
them on the _________________show.
3. Get your kicks _______________.
4. The story you are about to
see is true. The names have
been changed__________________.
What show was it on?
________________
5. In the jungle, the mighty jungle,_______________
6. After the twist, the mashed
potatoes, and the watusi,
we "danced"
under a stick that was lowered as low as
we could
go in a dance called the ______________
7. Nestle's makes the very best ______________
8. Satchmo was America's "ambassador
of goodwill". Our
parents shared
this great jazz trumpet player with us.
His name
was _________________
9. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?_________
10. Red Skelton's hobo character
was______________
and
he always ended his television show by saying,
"Good night,
and_________________"
11. Some Americans who protested
the Vietnam war did so by
burning their________________________.
12. The cute little car with
the engine in the back and the
trunk in
the front, was called the VW. What other
names did
it go by?______________?_____________
13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean
sang a song about,"the day
the music
died." This was a tribute to______________
14. We can remember the first
satellite placed into orbit.
The Russians
did it; it was called ________________.
15. One of the big fads of the
late fifties and sixties
was a large
plastic ring that we twirled around our
waist; it
was called the___________________
Scroll down,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
1. a silver bullet
2. Ed Sullivan show
3. Route 66
4. to protect the innocent...
Dragnet
5. The Lion sleeps tonight
6. The limbo
7. chocolate
8. Louis Armstrong
9. The Timex watch
10. Freddy the freeloader,,
and "Good night, and may God Bless"
11. draft cards
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. sputnik
15. hoola-hoop
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Subj: Life
As We Once Knew It (S371b)
From: Grampsboyd on 2/4/2004
This is long but well worth the time!
Life as We Once Knew It
(in the 50’s and 60’s)
A little house with three
bedrooms
and one car on the street,
A mower that you had
to push
to make the grass look
neat.
In the kitchen on the
wall
we only had one phone,
And no need for recording
things,
someone was always home.
We only had a living room
where we would congregate,
Unless it was at mealtime
in the kitchen where
we ate.
We had no need for family
rooms
or extra rooms to dine,
When meeting as a family
those two rooms would
work out fine.
We only had one TV set,
and channels -- maybe
two,
But always there was
one of them
with something worth
the view.
For snacks we had potato
chips
that tasted like a chip,
And if you wanted flavor
there was Lipton's onion
dip.
Store-bought snacks were
rare
because my mother liked
to cook,
And nothing can compare
to snacks in Betty Crocker's
book.
The snacks were even healthy
with the best ingredients,
No labels with a hundred
things
that make not a bit of
sense.
Weekends were for family
trips
or staying home to play,
We all did things together
--
even go to church to
pray.
When we did our weekend
trips
depending on the weather,
No one stayed at home
because
we liked to be together.
Sometimes we would separate
to do things on our own,
But we knew where the
others were
without our own cell
phone.
Then there were the movies
with your favorite movie
star,
And nothing can compare
to
watching movies in your
car.
Then there were the picnics
at the peak of summer
season,
Pack a lunch and find
some trees
and never need a reason.
Get a baseball game together
with all the friends
you know,
Have real action playing
ball --
and no game video.
Remember when the doctor
used
to be the family friend,
And didn't need insurance
or a lawyer to defend?
The way that he took care
of you
or what he had to do,
Because he took an oath
and strived to do the
best for you.
Remember going to the
store
and shopping casually,
And when you went to
pay for it
you used your own money?
Nothing that you had to
swipe
or punch in some amount,
Remember when the cashier
person
had to really count?
Remember when we breathed
the air;
it smelled so fresh and
clean,
And chemicals were not
used
on the grass to keep
it green.
The milkman and the bread
man
used to go from door
to door,
And it was just a few
cents more
than going to the store.
There was a time when
mailed letters
came right to your door,
Without a lot of junk
mail ads
sent out by every store.
The mailman knew each
house by name
and knew where it was
sent;
There were not loads
of mail
addressed to "present
occupant."
They didn't look like
turtles
trying to squeeze out
every mile;
They were streamlined
with white walls ? fins,
and really had some style.
One time the music that
you played
whenever you would jive,
Was from a vinyl, big-holed
record
called a forty-five.
The record player had
a post
to keep them all in line,
And then the records
would drop down
and play one at a time.
Oh sure, we had our problems
then,
just like we do today,
And always we were striving,
trying for a better way.
And every year that passed
us by
brought new and greater
things,
We now can even program
phones
with music or with rings.
Oh, the simple life we
lived
still seems like so much
fun,
How can you explain a
game,
just kick the can and
run?
And why would boys put
baseball cards
between bicycle spokes,
And for a nickel red
machines
had little bottled Cokes?
This life seemed so much
easier
and slower in some ways,
I love the new technology
but I sure miss those
days.
So time moves on and so
do we,
and nothing stays the
same,
But I sure love to reminisce
and walk down memory
lane.
Author unknown
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Subj:
Colored Pills - Poem (S542c)
From: gordonschuk on 5/30/2007 Photo from iStockphoto |
You can read this cute poem on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Growing
Old (S363)
From: DoctorDebt on 1/10/2004
I used to have Saturday Night
Fever...now I just have Saturday
Night hot flashes. Any
woman can have the body of a 21-year-
old... as long as she buys him
a few drinks first.
My memory's not as sharp as it
used to be. Also, my memory's
not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill
out.
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing.
Although, not on purpose.
Some parts of my body are just
prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making
the same noises as your
coffeemaker.
I think I've reached my sexpiration date.
People our age can still enjoy
an active, passionate sex life!
Provided we get cable or that
dish thing.
The good news is that even as
we get older, guys still look at
our boobs. The bad news
is they have to squat down first.
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says, "For
fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable
exercise video for women my age.
But they haven't made one called
"Buns of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting
hot flashes. Think of it as your
inner child playing with matches.
Don't let aging get you down.....it's too hard to get back up.
Remember: You don't stop laughing
because you grow old......
you grow old because you stop
laughing.
There! Now don't you feel better about getting older??????
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Subj: We Survived
Being Kids (S303)
From: KMACINTY on 11/22/2002
Looking back, it's hard to believe
that we have lived as
long as we have ...
As children, we would ride in
cars with no seat belts or
air bags. Riding in the back
of a pickup truck on a warm
day was always a special treat.
Our baby cribs were covered with
bright colored lead-based
paint, and no padded crib protectors
to keep us from
sticking our heads through the
slats. We could sleep on
our backs, our sides, or our
stomachs. We had no childproof
lids on medicine bottles, doors,
or cabinets, and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets.
(Not to mention hitch-
hiking as a young kid!)
We drank water from the garden
hose and not from a bottle.
Horrors! We would leave
home in the morning and play all
day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us
all day. No cell phones. No
pagers. Unthinkable!!
We played dodge ball and sometimes
the ball would really
hurt. We got cut and broke
bones and broke teeth and there
were no law suits from these
accidents. They were accidents.
No one was to blame but us.
Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each
other and got black and blue
and learned to get over it.
And sometimes make up and become
best friends. We ate cupcakes,
bread and butter, and drank
sugar soda but we were never
overweight .... We were always
outside playing. We shared
one grape soda with four friends,
from one bottle and no one died
from this?
We didn't have Playstations,
Nintendo 64, X Boxes, video
games, 699 channels on cable,
video tape and DVD movies,
surround sound, personal cellular
phones, personal computers
or Internet chat rooms ... we
had real live friends. We
went outside and found them.
We rode bikes or walked to a
friend's home and knocked on
the door, or rung the bell or
just walked in and talked to
them. Imagine such a thing.
Without asking a parent!
By ourselves! Out there in the
cold cruel world! Without
a guardian. How did we do it?
We made up games with sticks
and tennis balls and ate worms
and although we were told it
would happen, we didn't put
out very many eyes, nor did
the worms live inside us forever.
Little League had tryouts and
not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn
to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart
as others so they failed a
grade and were held back to
repeat the same grade ...
Horrors! Tests were not
adjusted for any reason. Bad
behavior at home, at school,
or in public was rewarded with
corporal punishment, such as
a smack or a paddling. We
walked to school or at the very
least to the bus stop with-
out our parents taking us because
it rained or snowed.
We had people who didn't like
us because of our religion,
color, ethnic origin, where
we lived, who we hung out with,
and so forth. We survived.
Our actions were our own.
This generation has produced
some of the best risk-takers
and problem solvers and inventors,
ever. The past 50 years
has been an explosion of innovation
and new ideas. We had
freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned
how to deal with it all.
Family and friends were the most
important things in our lives.
And you're one of them.
Congratulations! Please
pass this on to others that have
had the luck to grow up as kids.
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Subj: The
Sinister Plot (S300b)
From: Cypriot on 11/1/2002
WE MUST STOP THIS SINISTER PLOT!
Have you ever noticed that as
the years go by, everything
seems uphill from where you
are? Stairs are steeper,
groceries are heavier, and everything
is farther away.
Yesterday I walked to the corner
and I was horrified to
discover how long our street
had become! I never noticed
when I was younger that it's
been changing!
And, you know, people are less
considerate now, especially
the young ones. They speak
in whispers all the time! If
you ask them to speak up they
just keep repeating themselves,
endlessly mouthing the same
silent message until they're red
in the face! What do they
think I am, a lip reader?
I also have a feeling that these
people are much younger
than I was at the same age.
On the other hand, something
has been making people who used
to be my own age so much
older than I am.
I ran into an old friend the
other day and she has aged so
much that she didn't even recognize
me. I got to thinking
about the poor dear while I
was combing my hair this morning,
and in doing so, I glanced at
my own refection ... and I
noticed that even mirrors are
not made the way they used to be!
Clothing manufacturers are part
of the conspiracy too! Why
else would they suddenly start
labeling a size 10 or 12 dress
as 18 or 20? Do they think
no one notices that these things
no longer fit around the waist,
hips, thighs, and bosom?
Another thing, everyone drives
so fast today! You're risking
life and limb if you just happen
to pull onto the freeway in
front of them. All I can
say is, their brakes must wear out
awfully fast, the way I see
them screech and swerve in my rear
view mirror.
The people who make bathroom
scales are in on it as well. Do
they think I actually believe
the number I see on that dial?
Hah! I would never let
myself weigh that much! Just who do
these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in
authority to report what's
going on - but the telephone
company is in on the conspiracy
too: They've printed the
phone books in such small type that
no one could ever find a number
in here!
All I can do is pass along this
warning: Maturity is under
attack! Unless something
drastic happens, pretty soon *every-
one* will have to suffer these
awful indignities.
P.S.: I am sending this
to you in a larger font size, because
something has caused fonts to
be smaller than they once were,
too!
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| Subj:
Nursing Home Orgy (S584c)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 3/13/2008 |
 |
A group of nine love-hungry codgers
were kicked out of an old
folks home in London for having
an orgy. You can read the
newspaper article at the above
source, or on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Lovemaking
Tips For Older Persons (S299, S489c)
From: auntiegah on 10/21/2002
and
From: jtgalvan on 6/4/2006
Put bi-focals on ... double
check that you're
with the right
partner
Set alarm on your clock for
2 minutes... in case
you doze off in
the middle
Set the mood with lighting ...
turn em ALL OFF !
Make sure you put 911 on your
speed dial before you begin
Write partner's name on your
hand in case you can't
remember what to
scream out at the end
Keep extra polygrip close by
so your teeth don't
end up under the
bed
Have heating pads, tylenol,
splints and crutches
ready in case you
actually complete the act.
Make all the noise you want.
The neighbors are deaf too.
If it works, call everyone you
know with the good news.
Don't even think about trying
it twice.
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Subj: Are
You Lonesome Tonight - Song (S297)
From: coreymac on 10/11/2002
"Are You Lonesome Tonight?"
Elvis Presley's
Senior Citizen Song
Are you lonesome tonight, does
your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your Mylanta and
Tums?
Does your memory stray, to that
bright sunny day..
When you had all your teeth
and your gums?
Is your hairline receding, are
your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her, and its
prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain...do
your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome
tonight
Is your blood pressure up, your
cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low-fat
cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot, keeps you
like a well-oiled machine.
If it's football, or baseball...he
sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at...but
forgets what it's for.
So, your gallbladder's gone,
and his gout lingers on.
Tell me dear, are lonesome tonight
When you're hungry, he's not.
When you're cold, then he's
hot.
Then you start that old thermostat
war.
When you turn out the light,
he goes left, you go right.
Then you get his symphonic snore.
He was once so romantic, and
witty and smart.
How'd he turn out to be such
a cranky old fart?
So don't take any bets, this
is as good as it gets.
Tell me dear, are you lonesome
tonight.
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Subj: Old
Geezers (S290, DU)
From: Grampsboyd on 8/21/2002
"Geezers" are easy to spot:
At sporting events, during the
playing of the National
Anthem, Old Geezers hold their
caps over their hearts
and sing without embarrassment.
They know the words and
believe in them.
Old Geezers remember World War
I, the Depression, World
War II, Pearl Harbor,Guadalcanal,
Normandy and Hitler.
They remember the Atomic Age,
the Korean War, The Cold War,
the Jet Age, the Moon Landing,
not to mention Vietnam.
If you bump into an Old Geezer
on the sidewalk, he will
apologize. If you pass
an Old Geezer on the street, he
will nod or tip his cap to a
lady. Old Geezers trust
strangers and are courtly to
women. Old Geezers hold the
door for the next person and
always, when walking, make
certain the lady is on the inside
for protection.
Old Geezers get embarrassed if
someone curses in front of
women and children and they
don't like any filth on TV or
in movies. Old Geezers
have moral courage. They seldom
brag unless it's about their
grandchildren.
It's the Old Geezers who know
our great country is
protected, not by politicians
or police, but by the young
men and women in the military
serving their country.
This country needs Old Geezers
with their decent values.
We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Geezers!
\\\//
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Subj: How
Old Is Grandpa? (S275b, S491b)
From: RFSlick on 12/14/2001
and
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/16/2006
One evening a grandson was talking
to his grandfather about
current events. He asked
what he thought about the shootings
at schools, the computer age,
and just things in general.
The granddad replied, "Well,
let me think a minute... I was
born before television, penicillin,
polio shots, frozen
foods, Xerox, contact lenses,
Frisbees and the pill.
There was no radar, credit cards,
laser beams or ball-point
pens. Man had not invented
pantyhose, air conditioners,
dishwashers, clothes dryers,
well the clothes were hung out
to dry in the fresh air and
man hadn't yet walked on the moon.
Your grandmother and I got married
first, and then lived
together. Every family
had a father and a mother, and every
boy over 14 had a rifle that
his dad taught him how to use
and respect. And they
went hunting and fishing together.
Until I was 25, I called every
man older than I, 'Sir'-and
after I turned 25, I still called
policemen and every man
with a title, 'Sir.'
Sundays were set aside for going
to church as a family,
helping those in need, and visiting
with family or neighbors.
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating,
dual careers,
daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed
by the Ten Commandments, good
judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference
between right and
wrong and to stand up and take
responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege;
living here was a
bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship
meant getting along with
your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who
closed their front doors
when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family
spent together in the
evenings and weekends not purchasing
condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios,
tape decks, CDs, electric
typewriters, yogurt, or guys
wearing earrings. We
listened to the Big Bands, Jack
Benny, and the
President's speeches on our
radios. And I don't ever
remember any kid blowing his
brains out listening to
Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made
in Japan' on it, it was
junk.
The term 'making out' referred
to how you did on your
school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant
coffee were unheard
of. We had 5 ? 10-cent
stores where you could actually
buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice cream cones, phone calls,
rides on a streetcar, and
a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to
splurge, you could spend your
nickel on enough stamps
to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe
for $600, but who could
afford one? Too bad, because
gas was 11cents a gallon.
In my day, 'grass' was mowed,
'coke' was a cold drink,
'pot' was something your mother
cooked in, and 'rock
music' was your grandmother's
lullaby.
'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's
office, 'chip'
meant a piece of wood, 'hardware'
was found in a hard-
ware store, and 'software' wasn't
even a word.
And we were the last generation
to actually believe that
a lady needed a husband to have
a baby.
No wonder people call us "old
and confused" and say there
is a generation gap and how
old do you think I am - ????
.. Grandpa is only 59 years old.
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| Subj:
The Wheels Of Time (S474b in Thou-Time)
From: darrell94590 on 2/12/2006 |
 |
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Subj:
Important Message About Getting Older (S585b)
From: ginafm on 4/6/2008 |
You can read this important message
on my web site
by clicking 'HERE'.
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| Subj:
The ABC's of Aging... (S602c)
From: darrellvip on 7/24/2008 |
 |
You can view this cute list of
twenty-six elderly ailments
by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj:
Opus On Getting Old (S605c)
By Berkeley Breathed Nov. 11, 2007 From: Salon.com on 8/6/2008 |
This Opus comic strip discusses
getting old. You can view
this wonderful comic strip on
my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
You can view other great Opus Comic Strips by clicking 'HERE'.
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Grandpa Smiley from
Smiley_Central |