Subj: Elderly3 Jokes, oddities
(Includes 23 jokes and articles, 06 1090,9,cL3f,wYT2a6b,3)
Spinning Head from
Also see ELDERLY4 file- 'Top
10 Old Folks' Party Games'
......................- 'A Man's Success'
......................- 'Life's A Test - And You're Grades on A Curve'
ELDERLY1 contains 'old couples' jokes
ELDERLY2 contains jokes about old women or about old men
ELDERLY3 contains oddities about growing old
Elderly4 contains other long and short jokes
Subj: Pickles Comic Strip II (S1056)
By Brian Crane on 4/8/2017
Subj: Dr. Seuss On The Golden Years (S282)
From: pns on 6/25/2002
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh My God What can I do
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell!
My mood is bad--can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass.
Click 'Here'to see graphics version
Jeanne Robertson Humorist (S678b, S813)
From: kgilmour2000 on 1/7/2010 (d-iFrame)
Jeanne Robertson, award-winning
speaker discusses elderly, nude bungee jumping. This
video clip is from Jeanne's DVD Flat Out Funny! Click
'HERE' to see this very funny speaker.
Subj: Retirement Thru The Eyes Of A Child (S213, S627b)
From: gheckman on 3/2/2001
and From: ginafm on 1/12/2009
Retirement in a trailer park thru the eyes of a child
After a spring break, a teacher
asked her young pupils how
they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following:
"We always used to spend the
holidays with Grandma and
Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but
Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.
Now they live in a place with
a lot of other retarded people.
They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look
like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name
tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called
a wrecked center, but they must
have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play
games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too,
but they all jump up and down in
it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man
sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.
Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf
My Grandma used to bake cookies
and stuff, but I guess she
forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they
eat the same thing every night, "Early Birds". Some of the
people can't get past the man in the doll house to go out.
So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked
center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says Grandpa's worked
all his life to earn his
retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded
some day too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the
man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they
can visit their grandchildren.'
Subj: 1966 Vs 2016 Chart (S1050)
From: Larry Lemas on Facebook on 2/17/2017
Subj: Retirement (S28)
From: Yzmir's HUMOR LISTS Updated 5/22/1997
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when of its own accord
From my trousers it would spring no more,
But now I have a fulltime job
To find the BLASTED thing!
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
As old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its withered head,
And watch me tie my shoes.
Subj: Poem About Forgetting (S220b)
From: RFSlick on 4/16/2001
My forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny but,
To me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who's that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
Don't forget to laugh!
Do You Remember These
From: darrell (S525b)
..........on 2/5/2007 (d-On Site, SWF)
This video is a wonderful trip
down memory lane. The
background music is excellent. You can view it
by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: 26 Signs You've Already Grown Up (S242b)
From: ICohen on 9/20/2001
(Also see 'You Know You're An Adult When ...' in MEN1)
a. Your potted plants stay alive.
b. Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.
c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
e. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup
h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
j. You're the one calling the police because those darn
kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes
l. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
n. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the
beginning of one.
r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
s. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids,
not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
t. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
v. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni ? cheese,
diet Pepsi ? Ding Dongs.
w. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces
"I'm never going to drink that much again."
x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer
is for real work.
y. You don't drink at home to save money before
going to a bar.
z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that
doesn't apply to you.
Subj: Mother Goose And Grimm (S1080)
By Mike Peters on 9/27/2017
Subj: Being Diagnosed With AAADD (S238, S523)
From: JBCARY1 on 8/20/2001
and From: jbcary1 on 1/19/2007
(Also see "Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder" in Elderly3-Supp)
Now I have an excuse! This also applies to the work world!
I just wanted to let you know
that I recently was diagnosed
with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the
driveway, I look over at my car
and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice that there is mail on
the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the
table, put the junk mail in the
garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills
back on the table and take out
the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going
to be near the mailbox when
I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills
I take my checkbook off the table,
and see that there is only
one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk
in the study, so I go inside
the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had
I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the
Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I
realize the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put
it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen
with the Coke, a vase of flowers
on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter,
and I discover my reading
glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back
on my desk, but first I'm
going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on
the counter, fill a container
with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left
it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we
go to watch TV, I will be
looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on
the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den
where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it
spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down
on the table, get some towels
and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying
to remember what I was
planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the driveway is flooded
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
there is still only one check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out
why nothing got done
today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy
all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to
get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you?
Forward this message to
everyone you know, because I don't remember who I have
sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
History Exam (S442)
From: darrell94590 on 7/10/2005
Drawing from eHow.com
over 40 should have a pretty easy time at this exam.
If you are under 40 you can claim a handicap. Click 'HERE'
to try this cute, fun exam.
Subj: Baby Boomers - Then And Now (S107, S343)
From: Anaise on 99-02-10
and From: drgolfmd on 8/24/2003
Then: Killer Weed
Now: Weed Killer
Then: Getting caught with Hustler
Now: Getting caught by Hustler magazine
Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM
Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian
Then: Getting out to a new, hip
Now: Getting a new hip joint
Then: Moving to California because
Now: Moving to California because it's warm
Then: Being called into the principal's
Now: Storming into the principal's office
Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo
Then: OJ, cutting and slashing
Now: OJ, cutting and slashing
Then: Getting your head stoned
Now: Getting your headstone
Then: "The Making of the President"
Now: The making of the President
Then: "Going blind"
Now: REALLY going blind
Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux
Then: Worrying about no one coming
to your party
Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral
Then: President Johnson
Now: The President's johnson
Then: Fighting to get rid of
the lying President
Now: Fighting to keep the lying President
Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund
Then: Elvis in the army
Now: Elvis in a UFO
Then: Swallowing acid
Now: Swallowing antacid
Then: You're growing pot
Now: Your growing pot
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic
flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids
Then: Trying to look like Marlon
Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test
Then: Seeds and stems
Then: Popping pills, smoking
Now: Popping joints
Then: "Off the pigs"
Now: "No bacon please, I am watching my cholesterol"
Then: Our president's struggle
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity
Subj: Non Sequitur Cartoon (S1090)
By Wiley Miller on 11/28/2017
Subj: Official Baby Boomer Qualifying Exam (S92)
From: auntieg on 98-11-01
Name the Beatles - both the first and last name of each, of
course. Consider this a warm-up. [If you can't answer this
one without thinking, close up the test, and move on to some-
thing else. We have nothing further to discuss. ]
Finish the line: "Lions and tigers and bears, ____ _____!"
Admittedly, this came along before we boomers were born.
But we remember it from both the movies and the boob tube.
"Hey kids, what time is it?" _____ ________ _______ _______.
What do M?M's do? _____ ___ ______ ________ , _____ ___
_____ _______ .
What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? ________ ________.
Long before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The
Greatest, we knew him was _________ _________.
"You'll wonder where the yellow went,
_____ ____ ______ _____ ______ _____ ___________."
Those post-baby boomers, or baby boomer wannabees, know
Bob Denver as the Skipper's "little buddy." But we true
boomers know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest
friend, _____________ G. _____________.
"M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y: ______?
__________ ____ _______ ______."
Definition: A "streaker" is someone who might go running
through the lobby of the girls' dormitory ________________.
"Brylcream: ___ ________ _______ _______ ______ _______."
Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone _______ _____.
From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish
this line: "I wonder, wonder, wonder...wonder who; _______
_______ ______ ______ ____ ________."
And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one:
"War... uh-huh, huh...yea; what is it good for?
This is from a kinder and gentler protest song, but the
question is just as profound: Where have all the flowers
gone? Perhaps you could use a little help here: "Where
have all the flowers gone, long time passing? Where have
all the flowers gone, long time ago? Where have all the
flowers gone? ____ ___ _________ _____ ___."
Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a
never-ending battle for truth, justice, and
______ _______________ __________.
He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one
of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL, and
later went on to appear in a television commercial wearing
women's stockings. He is Broadway _______ _____________.
"I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm
strong to the finish, ______ __ _____ ___ _______ . I'm
Popeye the sailor man."
Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently
played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when
Peter was played by ___________ _____________.
In the movie, The Graduate, young Benjamin, played by
Dustin Hoffman, was counseled about his future, and told to
consider one thing: _______________.
In another movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played
Luke, a ne'er do well who was sent to a prison camp for
cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter.
When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt to escape,
the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this
experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained,
"What we have here, ____ ___ __________ _____ _____________."
In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after
losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement
from politics. "Just think, you won't have ________
____________ to kick around any more."
"Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He
stood six foot, six, weighted 245. Kinda' broad at the
shoulder, and narrow at the hip. And everybody knew you
didn't give no lip, _____ ______ ________."
"I found my thrill, _____ ____________ __________________."
You may remember Riche Cunningham singing this. But if you
are a true boomer, you know it was Fats Domino who made this
"Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ___________ ____ ____ ." This
originated long before even the first of us boomers was born.
But in order to be a true baby boomer, you have to have some
"Good night, David." "_________ __________ , __________."
"Liar, liar, ______ ___ _____ ."
"When it's least expected, you're elected; You're the star
today. Smile! _______ ___ _______ _______ ."
From our parents' day, as I recall, it was Pogo, the comic
strip character, who said, "We have met the enemy, and ___
___ ___ ."
Who put the bop in the bop she-bop she-bop? _______________.
From: humorlist-digest V3 #1 on 99-01-01
1. John Lennon, Paul McCartney,
George Harrison and Ringo Star
2. Oh my!
3. It's Howdy Doody Time
4. Melt in Your mouth, not in your hands.
5. Wonder Bread
6. Cassius Clay
7. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent ( from Ira)
8. Maynard G. Krebs
9. Why, because we like you!
11. A little dab will do 'ya.
12. over 30
13. Who wrote the book of love?
14. Absolutely nothing
15. Gone to graveyards every one
16. and the American Way
17. Joe Namath aka Broadway Joe
18. Cause I eat my spinach
19. Mary Martin
21. is a failure to communicate (maybe)
22. Dick Nixon
23. Big Bad John
24. on Blueberry Hill (Gene Autrey had a big hit with it a
generation BEFORE Fats Domino.)
25. wherever you are
26. Goodnight, Chet (Chet Huntley)
27. pants on fire
29. you're on Candid Camera
30. the Big Bopper
Subj: Little Quirks About Life You Notice By The Time You
Are Fifty and, er, Sixty. (S88)
From: Tom_Adams on 98-10-06
1. Most People deserve each other.
2. All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
3. The one who snores, will fall asleep first.
4. The length of a marriage is
to the amount of money spent on the wedding.
5. The gifts you buy your spouse
are never as good and apropos
as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.
6. Never get overly excited about
by just the way they look from behind.
7. If you help a relative in
he or she will remember you the next time they are in need.
8. The probability of meeting
someone you know increases
greatly when you are out with someone you do not want
to be seen with.
9. Toothaches always start on
Friday night right before
the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.
Subj: Maxine On Fashion (S472c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 1/27/2006
.Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: Old Is Just A State Of Mind? (S95)
From: auntieg on 98-11-21
Maybe it's true that life begins
at fifty. But everything
else starts to fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of
memory, the other two I forget.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five
women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a
guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls
at the office start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends,
and have begun to grow in the middle.
Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that
I'm too old to enjoy.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to
slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and
choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older,
it will avoid you.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that
caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
To older folks, "getting a little action" means they don't
need to take a laxative.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work
its way through Congress.
You're getting old when getting lucky means
you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker
and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent,
and you don't know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after
feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet to help you live longer:
if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news:
the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
Subj: You Know You're Getting Older When: (S201)
From: pns on 6/8/2001
You and your teeth don't sleep
Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks
and discover you aren't wearing any.
At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and
you're not eating cereal.
Your back goes out, but you stay home.
When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you're on vacation, and your ENERGY runs out before
your money does.
When you say something to your kids that your mother said
to you, and you always hated it.
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded
of your age.
When you step off a curb and look down one more time to
make sure the street is still there.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the
sun on your bifocals.
It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
You look for your glasses for half an hour, and
they were on your head the whole time.
You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
You have more patience, but it is actually that
you just don't care anymore.
You finally get your head together and your body
starts falling apart.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when
you don't even remember being on top of it.
Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and
you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead
of by the police.
"Getting a little action" means, "I don't need to take any
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
From: other sources
Everything hurts and what doesn't
hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest
before applying a second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
The little grey haired lady you help across the street
is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room
in the medicine cabinet.
Subj: Pickles Comic Strip (S806)
By Brian Crane on 6/18/2012
Subj: Signs You Are Getting Older:
From: humorlist-digest V2 #13 on 98-01-14
You're asleep, but others worry
that you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter
who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half his age .....
and isn't breaking any laws.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top
of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor
to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Some Great Things About Getting Older
(cough, cough) (S155, S366b)
From: RFSlick on 01/17/2000
and From: Grampsboyd on 1/31/2004
...............................Smiley grows Old from Smiley_Central.