(Includes 92 jokes and articles)
Click "Here" for Elderly4-Supp
Elderly Shouting from
Millanimations
| Subj:
Elderly4, long and short jokes (Gz)
(Includes 92 jokes and articles) Click "Here" for Elderly4-Supp |
|
Elderly Shouting from Millanimations |
ELDERLY1 contains 'old couples' jokes
ELDERLY2 contains jokes about old
women or about old men
ELDERLY3 contains oddities about growing
old
Elderly4 contains other long and short
jokes
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Subj: Exercise
For Seniors (S428)
From: LABLaughsClean on 4/13/2005
Just came across this exercise
suggested for seniors, to
build musclestrength in the
arms and shoulders. It seems
so easy, so I thought I'd pass
it on to some of my younger
friends. The article suggested
doing it three days a week.
Begin by standing on a comfortable
surface, where you have
plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each
hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides,
and hold them there as long
as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you
can hold this position for
just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.
Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and
eventually try to get to
where you can lift a 100-lb.
potato sack in each hand
and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that
level, put a potato in
each of the sacks; but be careful.
\\\//
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Subj: Old
Couple Take Memory Course (S401b)
From: DafterLafter on 7/24/2004
Seems that this old couple are
having trouble remembering
things, so they sign up for
a memory course. The course
is wonderful and introduces
them to a technique called
word/name association.
They come home and tell all their
relatives, friends, and neighbors
about it.
Some months later, a neighbor
approaches the man as he
tends the garden. "Say,
Ed, what was the name of the
instructor of that memory course
you liked so much?"
"Well, it was...hmmm...let me
think a minute... What's
the name of that flower, you
know, the one that smells
so nice, but has thorns on the
stems...?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yeah, that's it...(shouting
toward house) Hey, Rose, what
was the memory course instructor's
name?"
\\\//
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Subj: Elderly
Man Proposes Marriage (S399b)
From: DafterLafter on 9/10/2004
There were these two elderly
people living in a Florida
mobile home park. He was a widower
and she a widow. They
had known one another for a
number of years.
One evening there was a community
supper in the big activity
center. These two were at the
same table, across from one
another. As the meal went
on, he made a few admiring glances
at her and finally gathered
up his courage to ask her, "Will
you marry me?" After about six
seconds of careful
consideration, she answered.
"Yes, Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few
more pleasant exchanges, they
went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was
troubled. "Did she say 'yes'
or did she say 'no'?" He
couldn't remember. Try
as he would, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to
the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that
he didn't remember as well
as he used to. Then he
reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage,
he then inquired of her,
"When I asked if you would marry
me, did you say 'Yes' or
did you say 'No'?" He was delighted
to hear her say, "Why,
I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and
I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "And I am
so glad that you called,
because I couldn't remember
who had asked me."
\\\//
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Subj: Elderly
Man Has Trophy Wife (S389b, S552c)
From: Anonymous Jr on July 7,2004
and
From: ginafm on 8/19/2007
Bob, a 70 year old extremely
wealthy widower, shows up at
the Country Club with a breathtakingly
beautiful
and very
sexy 25 year-old blonde who
knocks everyone's socks off
with her youthful sex appeal
and charm and who hangs over
Bob's arm and listens intently
to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all
aghast. They corner him
and ask, "Bob, how'd you get
the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue
to ask. "So, how'd you
persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What did
you tell her, that you are
only 50?"
"No," he replied, "I told her I was 90."
\\\//
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| Subj:
Elderly Man Has Trophy Wife II (S498)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/7/2006 |
 |
This is a cartoon version of
the classic joke. You can view
it at the source above, or on
my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Older
Couple Get Romantic (S371, S575)
From: DoctorDebt on 3/4/2004
An older couple were lying in
bed one night. The husband
was falling asleep but the wife
was in a romantic mood and
wanted to talk. She said:
"You used to hold my hand when
we were courting." Wearily
he reached across, held her
hand for a second and tried
to get back to sleep. A few
moments later she said: "Then
you used to kiss me. "Mildly
irritated, he reached across,
gave her a peck on the cheek
and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said:
"Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back
the bed clothes and got out
of bed. "Where are you going?"
she asked. "To get my teeth!"
he replied.
\\\//
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Subj: Unrealized
Benefits of Exercise (S369b)
From: SCHULACES3 on 2/13/2004
Walking can add minutes to your
life. This enables you at
85 years old to spend an additional
5 months in a nursing
home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking
five miles a day when she was
60. Now she's 97 years
old and we don't know where she is.
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
I have to exercise early in the
morning before my brain
figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially
when they are taken by
people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country
skiing, start with
a small country.
And last but not least:
I don't exercise because it makes
the ice jump right out
of my glass.
\\\//
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Subj: Have
You Seen This Lady At Your House?
From: auntiegah on 3/5/2003
This lady was at my house!
Have you seen her?????
Even though this lady is residing
in MY house, she may
at some time appear in yours.
Be alert!
A very weird thing has happened.
A strange old lady has
moved into my house. I
have no idea who she is, where
she came from, or how she got
in. I certainly did not
invite her. All I know
is that one day she wasn't there,
and the next day she was!
She is a clever old lady and
manages to keep out of sight
for the most part, but whenever
I pass a mirror, I catch a
glimpse of her. And,whenever
I look in the mirror to
check my appearance, there she
is hogging the whole thing,
completely obliterating my gorgeous
face and body. This
is very rude! I have tried
screaming at her, but she just
screams back.
The least she could do is offer
to pay part of the rent,
but no. Every once in
a while, I find a dollar bill stuck
in a coat pocket, or some loose
change under a sofa cushion,
but it is not nearly enough.
I don't want to jump to
conclusions, but I think she
is stealing money from me. I
go to the ATM and withdraw $100,
and a few days later, it's
all gone! I certainly
don't spend money THAT fast, so I
can only conclude the old lady
is pilfering from me. You'd
think she would spend some of
that money to buy wrinkle
cream. And money isn't
the only thing I think she is
stealing. Food seems to
disappear at an alarming rate--
especially the good stuff like
ice cream, cookies, and
candy, especially chocolate.
She must have a real sweet
tooth, but she'd better watch
it, because she is really
packing on the pounds.
I suspect she realizes this, and
to make herself feel better,
she is tampering with my
scale to make me think I am
putting on weight, too.
For an old lady, she is quite
childish. She likes to play
nasty games, like going into
my closets when I'm not home
and altering my clothes so they
don't fit. And she messes
with my files and papers so
I can't find anything. This
is particularly annoying since
I am extremely neat and
organized.
She has found other imaginative
ways to annoy me. She
gets into my mail, newspapers,
and magazines before I do
and blurs the print so I can't
read. And she has done
something really sinister to
the volume controls on my
TV, radio, and telephone.
Now, all I hear are mumbles
and whispers.
She has done other things--like
make my stairs steeper,
my vacuum heavier and all the
knob and faucets harder to
turn. She even made my
bed higher so that getting into
and out of it is a real challenge.
Lately, she has been
fooling with my groceries before
I put them away, applying
glue to the lids, making it
almost impossible for me to
open the jars.
She has taken the fun out of
shopping for clothes. When
I try something on, she stands
in front of the dressing
room mirror and monopolizes
it. She looks totally
ridiculous in some of those
outfits, plus, she keeps me
from seeing how great they look
on me.
Just when I thought she couldn't
get any meaner, she proved
me wrong. She came along
when I went to get my picture
taken for my driver's license,
and just as the camera shutte
clicked, she jumped in front
of me!
I hope she never finds out where YOU live!
\\\//
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Subj: Elderly
Man Calls Wife Pet Names (S291)
From: pns on 8/25/2002
An elderly gent was invited to
his old friends' home for
dinner one evening. He
was impressed by the way his buddy
preceded every request to his
wife with endearing terms -
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc. The
couple had been married almost
70 years and, clearly, they
were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen,
the man leaned over and
said to his host, "I think it's
wonderful that, after all
these years, you still call
your wife those loving pet
names."
The old man hung his head. "I
have to tell you the truth,"
he said, "I forgot her name
about 10 years ago."
\\\//
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Subj: Dentist
In Same High School Class (S268)
From: jtgalvan on 3/18/2002
While waiting for my first appointment
in the reception
room of a new dentist, I noticed
his certificate which
bore his full name. Suddenly,
I remembered that a tall,
handsome boy with the same name
had been in my high
school class some 40 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however,
I quickly discarded any such
thought. This balding, gray-
haired man with the deeply lined
face was too old to have
been my classmate. After
he had examined my teeth, I
asked him if he had attended
the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1944."
"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
\\\//
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Subj: Old
Man Swaps Lady Friends (S199, S461)
From: gheckman on 11/18/2000
and
From: DoctorDebt on 11/18/2005
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold
goes to a secluded garden
behind the center to sit and
ponder his accomplishments and
long life. One evening,
Mildred, age 87, wanders into the
garden. They begin to
chat and before you know it, several
hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation,
Harold turns to
Mildred and asks, "Do you know
what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"Sex!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old
fart. You couldn't get it
up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it
would be nice if a woman
could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred,
who unzips his trousers,
removes his manhood and proceeds
to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet
secretly each night in the
garden where they would sit
and talk and Mildred would
hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't
show up at their usual meeting
place. Alarmed, Mildred
decided to find Harold and make
sure he was okay. She
walked around the Senior Citizen
Home where she found him sitting
by the pool with Ethel,
another female resident, who
was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep!"
"What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
\\\//
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Subj: Old
Woman Guesses Old Man's Age (S205b)
From: V-lewis on 97-04-29
(see 'Man Has Face Lift'
in Elderly?)
One day in a nursing home an
old woman and an old man were
sitting at the coffee table
talking. Out of nowhere the
woman said to the old man "I
bet I can guess your age."
The old man replied, "No way."
So the woman continues "OK, take
off your pants." The old
man takes his pants off.
"Now turn around" says the old
woman. The old man turns
around, and she checks him out,
and and continues, "OK, turn
back around ... you're 84
years old."
The old man is in shock and says "How'd you know that?"
The old woman replies, "You told me yesterday."
\\\//
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Subj: Man
In Rocking Chair With No Pants (S354)
From: DoctorDebt on 11/12/2003
A man came to visit his grandparents,
and he noticed his
grandfather sitting on the porch,
in the rocking chair,
wearing only a shirt, with nothing
on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?
You're pecker is out in the
wind for everyone to see!" he
exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing
sitting out here with nothing
on below the waist?" he asked
again.
The old man slowly looked at
him and said, "Well...last week
I sat out here with no shirt
on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma's idea.."
\\\//
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Subj: Happy
Old Man In Rocking Chair (S273e)
From: dogbyte on 4/27/2002
A woman walked up to a little
old man rocking in a chair on
his porch. "I couldn't
help noticing how happy you look,"
she said. "What's your secret
for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes
a day," he said. "I also
drink a case of whiskey a week,
eat fatty foods, and never
exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six!" he said.
\\\//
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Sub: Marrying
A Younger Woman
A 70-year-old man has never been
married. One day he meets a
beautiful 17-year-old girl,
and it is love at first sight.
They get married and go to Florida
for their honeymoon. When
they get back, his friend says
to him, "So, tell me, how was
it?" "Oh, it was beautiful,"
says the man. "The sun, the surf,
we made love almost every night,
we--" His friend interrupts
him. "A man your age!
How did you make love almost every
night?" "Oh," says the
man, "we almost made love Monday, we
almost made love Tuesday..."
\\\//
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Subj: Old
Man Marries Young Woman
A ninety-year-old man is sitting
on a park bench, sobbing,
when a young man walks by and
asks him what's wrong. Through
his tears the old man answers,
"I'm in love with a twenty-
five-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles,
he answers, "You don't
understand. Every morning
before she goes to work, we
make love... At lunchtime
she comes home, and we make
love again, and then she makes
my favorite meal. In the
afternoon when she gets a break,
she rushes home and gives
me oral sex, the best an old
man could want. And then at
suppertime, and all night long,
we make love." He breaks
down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around
him. "I don't understand.
It sounds like you have the
perfect relationship. Why are
you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again
through his tears, "I
forgot where I live.
\\\//
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Subj: Old
Man Marries Young Woman, Vers 2 (S229)
From: pns on 6/18/2001
An older man was married to a
younger woman. After several
years of a very happy marriage,
he had a heart attack. The
doctor advised him that to prolong
his life they should cut
out sex. He and his wife
discussed the matter and decided
that he should sleep in the
family room downstairs to save
them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks,
he decided that life without
sex wasn't worth living.
So he headed upstairs. He met his
wife on the staircase and said,
"I was coming up to die."
She laughed and replied, "I
was coming down to kill you!"
\\\//
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Subj: Old
Man Marries Young Woman, Vers 3 (S327b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 5/6/2003
An old man of 70 married a young
girl of 18. When they got
into bed the night after the
wedding, he held up three
fingers. "Oh honey", said the
young nymph, "Does that mean
we're going to do it three times?"
"No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."
\\\//
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Subj: The
Cartoon 'I'm So Old' (S415b)
From: Buffalo's Jokes
At: http://www.buffalosjokes.com/12230447.htm
 |
\\\//
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Subj: Mr.
Schwartz Sells Sex (S71, S465b)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #143 on 98-06-09
and
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/19/2005
An elderly Irving Schwartz and
the widow Esther Cohen were
sitting in the sunroom of a
retirement home.
The Mr. Schwartz, a widower himself,
says to Esther, "For
five dollars, I'll have sex
with you on that rocking chair
over there. For ten dollars,
I'll have sex with you on that
couch. But for twenty
dollars, I'll take you to my room,
light a few candles and give
you a romantic evening of
passion you'll never forget."
The Esther considers it a moment
and then, after fishing
through her purse, produces
a twenty dollar bill.
The Irving says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?"
The Esther says, "No, I want four times in the rocker."
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Elderly Jokes
 |
Subj:
You Know You Are Old If... (S432b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 5/2/2005 |
| Subj:
Elderly Couple At Restaurant (S427)
From: LABLaughsClean on 4/1/2005 |
 |
Top
Subj: Boy
Loses Gramdpa At Mall (S405b)
From: DoctorDebt on 10/14/2004
A small boy was lost at a large
shopping mall. He approached
a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my grandpa"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack
Daniels and women with big tits."
Top
Subj: Elderly
Accident - Poem (S398b)
From: JokesUncut on 9/8/2004
An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the
fanny!
Top
Subj: Old
Mother Hubbard Poem (S388)
From: igiggle on 6/24/2004
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone
But when she got there
She forgot why she'd gone
So she made herself a nice
Ham-and-cheese-on-rye sandwich.
Top
Subj: Sick
Old Man Is Grateful (S373)
From: Grampsboyd on 3/4/2004
I've sure gotten old. I've had
2 By-pass surgeries. A
hip replacement, new knees.
Fought prostate cancer, and
diabetes I'm half blind, can't
hear anything quieter than
a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me
dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with
dementia. Have poor circulation,
hardly feel my hands
and feet anymore. Can't
remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have
lost all my friends. But....
Thank God, I still have my
Florida driver's license!
Top
Subj: Old
Man Has Physical With Wife (S359)
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
and
From: pns on 12/15/2003
(Also
see 'Boyfriend
Has Physical' in DOCTOR3)
An old man goes to the doctor
for his yearly physical,
with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the
examination room, he tells the
old man, "I need a urine
sample, a stool sample and a
sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing,
looks at his wife
and yells, "What did he say?"
His wife yells back, "Give the
doctor your underwear."
Top
Subj: Drawings:
Senior Moments (S348b)
From: DoctorDebt on 8/15/2003
The three drawing titled 'Senior
Moments' can be seen on my
web site at http://jokelibrary.150m.com/yyDrawings/comic2.html
or by clicking 'Here'.
Top
Subj: Little
Old Lady Offers Sex (S313)
From: flovilla on 1/31/2003
This little old lady in a nursing
home stands and raises
her fist in the Rec Center one
day and says, "Whoever can
guess what's in my hand can
have sex with me tonight."
A little old man in the back of the room yells, "an elephant."
She says, "Close enough."
Top
Subj: Two
Old Ladies On The Porch (S296b)
From: thebartend on 10/1/2002
(See 'Two Old Ladies Discuss Sex
Activities' in ELDERLY2)
Two elderly ladies are sitting
on the front porch, doing
nothing. One lady turns
and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck on a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first
old lady asks, "Who drives
you to the beach?"
Top
Subj: Elderly
Couple And Young Couple Discuss Sex (S179)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/30/00
At a party an elderly couple
was talking to a young couple.
The young man said to
the old man, "I have heard tell that
when you get up in years,
you can't have sex anymore."
The elderly couple said, "I don't
know where you heard that,
but we have sex almost
every night."
"Really?"
"Sure. Almost Monday, almost
Tuesday, almost Wednesday . . ."
Top
Subj: Senior
Citizens Are Thankful (S156)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 01/28/2000
A group of senior citizens were
exchanging notes about their
ailments.
"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts
are so bad I can't see to pour
the coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad.
We should be thankful that we can
still drive!"
Top
Subj: Top
10 Old Folks' Party Games (S128)
From: KMacinty on 6/30/99
10. Musical Recliners
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
8. Hide and Go Pee
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
6. Doc, Doc Goose
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the
Nurse Says Bend Over
4. Kick the Bucket
3. 20 Questions Shouted into
your Good Ear
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald
Guy
1. Sag, You're It!
Top
Subj: Old
Man Wants Viagra (S121, S509c)
From: KMacinty on 5/26/99
and
From: allenbergman on 10/20/2006
An elderly gentleman went to
the local drug store and asked
the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said, "That's no
problem. How many do you
want?" The man answered, "Just
a few, maybe 4, but cut each
one in 4 pieces." The pharmacist
said, "That won't do you any
good." The elderly gentleman
said "That's all right.
I don't need them for sex anymore
as I'm over 80 years old.
I just want it to stick out far
enough so I don't pee on my
shoes".
Top
Subj: Old
Man Wants Viagra II (S303b)
From: gheckman on 11/18/2002
An elderly gentleman got up
one morning and was putting on
his coat.
His wife says, "Where are you
going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to
get me some of those new
Viagra pills."
So his wife gets out of her
rocker and puts on her coat.
He said," Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the
doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to
start using that rusty
old thing, I'm
going to get a tetanus shot."
Top
Subj: A Man's
Success (S121, S390)
From: KMacinty on 5/26/99
and
From: Imogenelumen on 7/14/2004
Most of us understand that our
self worth and feelings of
achievement change as we go
through life. While everyone
has different aspirations, it
appears we all have some
common benchmarks for what success
is. Really it all
depends on your age. Consider
the following:
At age 4 success is not
peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having
friends.
At age 16 success is having
a drivers license.
At age 20 success is going all
the way.
At age 35 success is having
money.
At age 50 success is having
money.
At age 60 success is going all
the way.
At age 70 success is having
a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having
friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing
in your pants.
Top
Second version
Subj: Life's
A Test - And You're Grades on A Curve (S220)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/7/2001
At age 4, success is... not peeing
in your pants.
At age 12, success is...
having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success
is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing
in your pants.
Top
Subj: Three
Old Ladies At The Home (S386b)
From: mrx on 6/13/2004
Three old ladies were sitting
side by side in their
retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled
shopping at the green grocers
and demonstrated with her
hands, the length and thickness
of a cucumber she could buy
for a penny. The second old
lady nodded, adding that onions
used to be much bigger and cheaper
also, and demonstrated
the size of two big onions
she could buy for a penny a
piece. The third old lady remarked,
"I can't hear a word
you're saying, but I remember
the guy you're talking about."
Top
Subj: Three
Elderly Ladies And The Flasher (S116, S499)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 5/15/99
and
From: jbcary1 on 8/14/2006
Three elderly ladies are sitting
on a park bench. A flasher
stands in front of them and
opens his coat exposing his naked
body.
The first elderly lady had a stroke.
The second elderly lady had a stroke.
But the third elderly lady couldn't
quite reach.
Top
Subj: Man
Phones Mom In Florida
From: JOELFALLON on 98-08-22
A man called his mother in Florida.
He said to his mother,
"How are you doing?" She
said, "Not too good. I've been
very weak." The son then
asked, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't
eaten in 38 days." The son
then asked, "How come you haven't
eaten in 38 days?" She
said, "Because I didn't want
my mouth to be filled with
food when you called."
Top
Subj: Elderly
Pearls Of Wisdom (S261)
From: auntieg on 98-11-14
and
From: mombear1 on 1/29/2002
When did my wild oats turn to
prunes and All Bran?
I finally got my head together,
now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being
absent minded.
All reports are in. Life is
now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is
it?
Funny, I don't remember being
absent minded.
It is easier to get older than
it is to get wiser.
If at first you do succeed,
try not to look too astonished.
The first rule of holes: If
you are in one, stop digging.
I tried to get a life once,
but they were out of stock.
I went to school to become a
wit, only got half-way through.
It was all so different before
everything changed.
Nostalgia isn't what it used
to be.
I wish the buck stopped here.
I could use a few.
Those who live by the sword
get shot by those who don't.
I started out with nothing....I
still have most of it.
Some days you're the dog; some
days you're the hydrant.
Kids in the back seat cause
accidents.
Accidents in the back seat cause
kids.
It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats
a path to your door is when
you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my
toes, he would have put them
on my knees.
When I'm finally holding all
the cards, why does everyone
decide to play
chess?
It's not hard to meet expenses...
they're everywhere.
The only difference between
a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of
time thinking about the hereafter.
I go somewhere to get something
and wonder what I'm hereafter.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older
Having Alzheimers really isn't
so bad, ya know. I can think
of three advantages: First,
you only have to own one book,
second, you make new friends
EVERY day, and third, you can
hide your own easter eggs.
While on a car trip, the old
couple stopped at a roadside
restaurant for lunch.
The old woman left her glasses on
the table, but didn't miss them
until they were back on the
highway. By then, they
had to travel quite a distance
before they could find a place
to turn around. The old
man fussed and complained all
the way back to the restaurant.
When they finally arrived, as
the old woman got out of the
car to retrieve her glasses,
the old man said, "While you're
in there, you may as well get
my hat, too."
This little boy says to his mother
" Mommy, I have to go and
tinkle." The mother replies
back " Would you like Mommy to
take you?". The little
boy responds back " No . . . let
grandma . . . her hand shakes!
"
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #6
An 86 year old man was charged
with rape and the case went
to court. He was acquitted when
it was shown that the
evidence would not stand up
in court!
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #25
An elderly couple were sitting
on their front porch in
rocking chairs. The husband
gets up and goes inside the
house for some ice cream, and
yells to his wife, "Would
you like some ice cream?". She
replies, "Is it frozen or
soft?" He says, "Its as hard
as my penis was last night".
She says, "Then pour me a glass
of it".
An old man and his wife went
to the doctor for a check-up.
While the man is with the doctor,
the doctor askes him,
"So how has life been treating
you?" The old man replies,
"The Lord's been good to me.
Every night when I go to
the bathroom, He turns the light
on and when I'm finished,
He turns the light off."
While the old woman is with the
doctor, the doctor tells her
what her husband said. She
replied "D*mn it! The old fart's
been pissin in the ice
box again!" -- Wendy
Two old guys at an old folk's
home shooting the breeze.
One says "How's the memory?"
The other says "Perfect,
touch wood", and raps his knuckles
on the table. Two
minutes go bye, and then he
says "Somebody gonna get
the door or what?" --
Lardass
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #172
There's a guy crossing the grand
canyon with a tightrope.
On the other side of the country,
there's a guy getting
a blow job from an 87-year-old
woman. What do these two
guys have in common? Neither
one of them wants to look
down.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #192
An old fellow that I knew told
me once that he had been
"doing it" limp for so long
that he thought he could shoot
pool with a rope!
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #198 on 97-09-25
With the help of a fertility
specialist, a 65 year old
woman has a baby. All
her relatives come to visit and
meet the newest member of their
family. When they ask
to see the baby, the 65 year
old mother says, "Not yet."
A little later they ask to see
the baby again. Again
the mother says, "Not yet."
Finally they say, "When
can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the
baby cries."
And they ask, "Why do we have
to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "I forgot
where I put it."
From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97
Don't worry about temptation--as
you grow older, it starts
avoiding you. -- Old Farmer's
Almanac
From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
I want to die in my sleep like
my grandfather....
Not screaming and yelling
like the passengers in his car....
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
From: DR SWITZER on 98-04-16
A couple gets married and the
wife puts a foot locker
in the bedroom. She locks
it, then puts the only key on a
chain around her neck.
For fifty years, her husband tries
to figure out what's in there,
but she always changes the
subject, and avoids the issue.
Finally, on the night of their
fiftieth wedding anniversary,
he says to her, "I've got to
know what's in the trunk!"
She takes the key, unlocks the
foot locker, and inside
there's two ears of corn and
$25,000. The guy says, "What's
with the two ears of corn?"
She says, "Well, umm, in the
fifty years, every time I broke
our marriage vows, I put
an ear of corn in the trunk."
The guy figures, "Twice in
fifty years, not so bad..."
Then he says, "And what's the
$25,000?" She says, "Well,
everytime I got a bushel, I
sold it,"
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #118 on 98-05-13
You're getting old when getting
lucky means
you find your car in the parking
lot.
You're getting old when you don't
care where your wife goes,
just so you don't have to go
along.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #175 on 98-07-14
(S77)
As we grow older year by year,
my husband always mourns:
the less and less we feel our
oats,
the more we feel our corns.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #222 on 98-09-20
I was thinking about how people
seem to read the Bible a
whole more as they get older.
Then it dawned on me: They're
cramming for their finals.
From: mbucher on 99-02-03 (S106)
Growing old is mandatory; growing
up is optional.
You're getting old when you get
the same sensation from
a rocking chair that you once
got from a roller coaster.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
You don't stop laughing because
you grow old
you grow old because you stop
laughing.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/21/2001
(S238)
"My grandmother was a very tough
woman. She buried three
husbands. Two of them
was just napping." -- Rita Runder
From: dogbyte on 11/21/2001 (S251b)
The politicians are in favor
of low cost drugs for seniors.
But they're opposed to low cost
drugs for college kids.
I'm sorry,... that's just wrong!
From: mombear1 on 1/28/2002 (S262)
First you forget names, then
you forget faces. Then you
forget to pull up your zipper,
then . . . oh my goodness,
you forget to pull your zipper
down.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/7/2002 (S265c)
Inside every older person is
a younger person - wondering
what the hell happened.
-- Cora Harvey Armstrong
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/6/2002 (S267c)
"Maybe there is no actual place
called hell. Maybe hell
is just having to listen to
our grandparents breathe
through their noses when they're
eating sandwiches."
-- Jim Carrey
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/15/2002
(S285b)
Age is a very high price to
pay for maturity.
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 1/16/2003
(S311b)
Old age is no place for sissies.
-- Bette Davis
From: Joke-Of-The-Day@joke-of-the-day.com
on 2/10/2003 (S315b)
The reason grandparents and
grandchildren get along so
well is that they have a common
enemy. -- Sam Levenson
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/4/2003 (S322b)
The best antiques are old friends.
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/25/2003 (S325b)
In aging, one becomes more foolish
and more wise.
-- Francois, Duc de La
Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)
French
author
From: RFSlick on 12/20/2003 (S359b)
Remember, once you get over
the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.
From: Imogenelumen on 8/24/2004 (S397b)
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
From: igiggle on 7/22/2004 (S402b)
Why don't retirees mind being
called "senior citizens"?
The term comes with a ten percent
discount.
From: JokesUncut on 10/20/2004 (S405b)
You can tell she's getting old
when you give her
a sensual foot massage, and
while you're down
there, go ahead and rub her
breasts as well.
From: LABLaughsClean on 8/9/2005 (S447b)
"Never have children, only grandchildren."
-- Gore Vidal (1925
- )
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #138 (S13)
Q: What do walking a tightrope
across the Grand Canyon and
getting a blowjob
from a 90 year old women have in common?
A: They both are all right so
long as you don't look down.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #138
Q: What do walking a tightrope
across the Grand Canyon and
getting a blowjob
from a 90 year old women have in common?
A: They both are all right so
long as you don't look down.
Q: Why do men name their penises?
A: Because they want to be on
a first name basis
with the person
who makes 95% of their decisions.
Q: What's Reagan's position on
alzheimer's
A: What was the question.
Q. Why is President Reagan like
an old typewriter?
A. Because he has no memory
and trouble with his colon.
From: All Female Collage! - Bawdy.Net
#227 on 98-01-31
Q: What does it taste like when
you go down on
an 80 year old
woman?
A: Depends.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #62 on 98-03-12
(S335b)
and From: LABLaughs.com on 6/19/2003
Q: What do old women have between
their breasts
that young women
don't?
A: A bellybutton!
From: RFSlick on 4/26/99 (S117)
Q: What has 75 balls and screws
old ladies?
A: Bingo!
From: KMacinty on 8/24/99 (S134)
Q: How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say "AW SH--?"
A: Get another sweet little
80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"
From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/8/2005 (S420b)
Q: How can you tell an old man
in the dark?
A: It's not hard
\\\//
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