kids1

>>>
Subj: Kids1 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 26 jokes and articles)

Boy Walking Dog from
PageWorks

KIDS1 and 2 contains jokes
KIDS3 contains oddities, and short jokes
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Subj: Son Wants Ice Cream, Mom Says No (S73, S571)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #155 on 98-06-24
. Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the
fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when
his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream
now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What
do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to
register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine,
I'll play. What do I do?"

Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes
upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall
and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing
hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in
the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the
corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the
bedroom doorway.

His mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and
get that kid some ice cream!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Toddler Property Laws (S53)
          From: Octagon999 on 98-01-25

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If I. . .Oops! I'm sorry, I goofed! Instead of typing
in the Toddler Property Laws, I've been typing in Bill
Gates' primary Business Plan.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Wooden Eye (S36)

There was a boy who lost his left eye in an accident. I think
he shot it out with a BB gun. His parents were too poor to
buy him a glass eye but found a doctor who could provide a
wooden eye that was affordable. The wood eye looked less than
realistic and the boy was very self-conscious about it and
consequently didn't socialize much. The big school dance was
coming up and his friends asked if he planned to attend. He
said "No I don't think so. I would be too embarrassed because
of my wooden eye."

They finally reassured him that no one would pay any attention
to his eye and convinced him to go to the dance. At the dance
he remained off to the side afraid to confront any of the girls
and ask them to dance. His friends kept encouraging him but he
would say "I don't know what she would think about my wooden
eye."

After a while his friends noticed a girl across the room who
was also shyly standing off to the side. Looking closer they
noticed that she wasn't unattractive but did have a serious
hairlip. They went to their friend and said "Look! There is
a girl across the room with a hairlip. She is obviously just
as self conscious as you are and certainly won't be offended
by your wooden eye. Go ask her to dance."

With some apprehension he finally worked up his courage and
took the long walk across the dance floor and approached the
hairlipped girl. He said "Would you like to dance with me?"

The girl excitedly replied "Would I? Would I?"

The boy immediately screamed back "Hairlip! Hairlip!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Dad Explains Politics (S13, S582b)
          From: V-lewis on 97-04-29
      and From: chrisdaddyg on 3/14/2008

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school; can
I ask you a question?"

Dad: "Sure, son, what's the question?"

Son: "What is politics?"

Dad: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the
       wage earner, so let's call me Management. Your
       mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll
       call her Government. We take Care of you and your
       needs, so let's call you The People. We'll call
       the maid The Working Class and your baby brother
       we'll call The Future. Do you understand?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think
about it."

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the
boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby
had seriously soiled his diaper, the son went to his
parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He
then went to the maid's room where, peeking through the
keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The
boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and
the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back
to sleep.

THE NEXT MORNING:

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand politics."

Dad: "That's great, son. Explain it to me in your
own words."

Son: "Well, Dad, while Management is screwing The
       Working Class, the Government is sound asleep.
       The People are being completely ignored and
       The Future is full of SHIT!!!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Mother Explains The Facts To Son (S32)
          From: DrSwitzer on 6/3/97
.
Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images

(See 'Butler's Night Off' in BUTLER-MAID
and see 'Mom Explains The Facts Of Life To Daughter' in PENIS1
and see 'Mom Explains The Facts Of Life' in PENIS3)
and see 'Daddy Explains Sex To Daughter' in KIDS2

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his
teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some
difficulty with the differences between boys and girls,"
and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with
Johnny about this."

After reading the note, Johnny's mother takes him quietly,
by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse... so he
unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

Ok, now take off my skirt... and he takes off her skirt.

Now take off my bra... which he does.

And now, Johnny, please take off my panties. When Johnny
finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't
wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Dad Explains The Facts Of Life (S240)
          From: thebartend on 8/30/2001
          (See #149 in BLONDE3)

A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage
son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the
finer points of love-making. Their conversation went as
follows:

The Dad: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different
women say different things during the sex act, even if you
are doing the same thing.

The Son: What do you mean, Dad?

The Dad: Well, for example, their words will vary according
to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to
say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac
will ask, "Are you done already?"

The Son: What do other women say?

The Dad: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to
do this over and over again until you get it right!" A
nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."

The Son: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and
bend over."

The Dad: That's male nurses. But let's move on, a bank
teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."

A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose
and breathe normally."

The Son: And what does mom say?

The Dad: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should
paint the ceiling beige."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Dad Explains The Facts Of Life II (S441b)
          From: gayleheckman on 7/6/2005
          (See 'Mom Explains The Facts Of Life To Daughter'
           and 'How To Get Babies' in PENIS1)

A little boy asks his father - "Daddy, how was I born?"

Dad responds, ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to
find out anyway! Well, you see, your Mom and I first got
together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via
e-mail with your Mom. We met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed
to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready
to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used
a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared
and said: You've got male!

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Son Says "Goodbye" To Family Members (S07, S544)
          From Kelly's Bar Jokes
      and From: jbcary1 on 6/17/2007

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a
story and listened to her prayers which she ended by
saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless
Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.'

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye grandpa?'

The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just
seemed like the thing to do.'

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a
strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and
listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless
Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.'

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought
the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the
dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.'

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all
night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and
watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would
be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of
going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking
coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief
and went home. When he got home his wife said 'I've never
seen you work so late, what's the matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent
the worst day of my life.'

She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never
believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman
dropped dead on our porch.'

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Babies and Diapers (S448)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/19/2005
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20041220

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Subj:     Buckwheat and Darla (S156)
          From: JCary on 01/28/2000

Buckwheat ? Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla,
"How do you spell 'dumb'?"

Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

She says, "Buckwheat is dumb."

Now spell "stupid".

Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat,
spell dictate."

Buckwheat stands and says "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Buckwheat responds proudly: "Ah may be dumb, an' ah may be
stupit, but Darla say she like da way mah dictate!"

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Subj:     Two Kids Practice Cussing (S260b, S546)
          From: RFSlick on 1/23/2002
      and From: AFine963 on 6/28/2007

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about
time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head
in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast,
I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with
ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother
walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants
for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have
some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen
floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with
his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there
until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and
asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast,
young man?"

"I don't know" he blubbers, "but you can bet your sweet ass
it won't be Cheerios!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Johnny Puts Tooth Paste On His Dick
Did you hear about little Johnny up in his bathroom one
Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images

night when his mother walker in, as she looked down at Johnny
standing in front of the sink with tooth paste all over his
penis, she asked him "Johnny, what in the world are you doing?"

He relied 'Mom, I don't want to get a cavity like Suzy got!!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Little Johnny Watches Builder
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #8
.
Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images

One day, Little Johnny stayed home from school because he
was sick. After exhausting all the possible ways to keep
him entertained, his mother sent him across the street to
watch the men building a new house.

That night, when he got home, Little Johnny's father asked
him what he'd done all day. Little Johnny replied, 'I
learned a new game called building a brick wall. Wanna
play it with me?"

Little Johnny's father agreed, so Little Johnny went across
the street to the construction site and gathered up a bunch
of bricks and brought them back. Little Johnny and his
father then proceeded to build a brick wall (without the
mortar, of course) in the living room. When it was done,
Little Johnny stepped back, put his hands on his hips, and
looked at the wall they'd just built. Then he said to his
dad, "See that bastard down there on the end? Move that
fucker in just a cunt hair."

"What did you say?", his father exclaimed.

To which Johnny replied, "I said 'See that bastard down
there on the end? Move that fucker in just a cunt hair'."

Little Johnny's father yelled, "That's it! We don't allow
that kind of language in here! You need a whipping. Go get
me a switch."

So Little Johnny said, "Fuck you, dad. That's the
electrician's job!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Potential Vs Reality (S116, S536)
          From: thebartend on 4/21/99
      and From: DoctorDebt on 2/13/2004

A kid comes home from school and asks his dad to help him
with his homework. He has to find out the difference
between 'potential' and 'reality'. The kid's dad says,
"Go ask your sister if she'll have sex with our next door
neighbor for a million bucks!".

"I can't ask her that!", exclaimed the kid. "Just go and
do it!", his old man insists.

The kid comes back a few minutes later, wide eyed, "She
said yes dad!" "Now, go ask your mother if she'll have
sex with our next door neighbor for a million bucks!" "I
can't ask Mum that!", says the kid. "Just do it!!!", replies
the father.

The kid disappears and returns, "She says yes!". The father
smiles, "Now, go and ask your brother if he'll have sex with
our next door neighbor for a million bucks!".

The kid asks his brother, and returns, "Geez Dad! He said
yes too!".

"Well, now you see the difference son", explains his father.
"You see, 'potentially' we have three million dollars in
this family, but in 'reality' we have two sluts and a poofter.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Johnny Sees Mom Moaning In Bedroom
Johnny comes home from school every day at 4pm on the dot.
Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images

One afternoon when he gets home, he can't find his mother
anywhere. He looks thru the house and eventually finds her
in her bedroom, covered in oil, rubbing herself and moaning
"I want a man! I want a man!"

The next day when Johnny gets home, again he can't find his
mum and she's in her room, covered in oil, rubbing herself
and moaning "I want a man! I want a man!"

The following day, when Johnny get's home, he finds his mum
in her room again, covered in oil, rubbing herself and this
time the milkman's on top of her, humping away. So Johnny
thinks "Right!"

The next day Johnny comes home a little earlier and goes
straight to his room. His mother, expecting him home at
4pm, starts to worry as Johnny hasn't shown up. She looks
thru the house and eventually finds him in his room, covered
in oil, rubbing himself and moaning "I want a bike! I want
a bike!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Thumb Sucking
          (Also see 'Mother And Dad Go Upstairs For Sex' in Marriage2)

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of
the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in
through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues
on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets
mad at me for sucking my *thumb*"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Whose Dad Is Stronger

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father
could beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is
better than your father." The other kid said, "Well, my
mother is better than your mother." The first boy paused,
"I guess you're right. My fathers says the same thing."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Kid Sees Mom In Shower
Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images

Little Johnny aged 3 walks into the shower where his Mum is
standing naked. He points between her legs and says "what's
that Mummy?"

His mother replies "That's where Daddy hit me with the axe"

"Wow!" replied little Johnny "What a good shot - right in
the CUNT!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Learning To Use Grown Up Words (S20, S570)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-11
. Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images

The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher
wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in
kindergarten. She told them to use grown-up words instead of
baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did
during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher
said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-
up word."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.
The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train.
That's the grown-up word."

Then the teacher asked the third one, Little Johnny, what he
did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book.
The teacher asked what book he had read.

Johnny puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied,
"Winnie the Shit."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Couple Sends Son To Balcony (S333, S535)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
      and From: rfslick on 4/21/2007

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with
their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out
on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on
all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Anderson's are having company," he
called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board...."

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are
having sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are
having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Boy Plays With Trains And Cusses (S167, 330b)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
      and From: RFSlick on 4/10/00

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen
was listening to her son playing with his new electric train
in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said,
"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now,
'cause this is the last stop...and all of you sons of bitches
who are gettin' on, get your asses in the train, cause we're
going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use
that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to
your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you
come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use
nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother
heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the
train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a
pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

The mother hears the little boy continue, "For those of you
just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage
under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us
today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of
you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see
the bitch in the kitchen."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Johnny Wants To Marry Susie (S109, S536)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #289 on 99-03-05
      and From: AFine963 on 4/25/2007

Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images
See 'Two Six-Year_Olds Want To Get Married' in KIDS5)

Little Johnny and Susie Smith are only 10 years old, but they
just know that they are in love. One day they decide that
they want to get married. Johnny goes to Susie's father to
ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, Me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for
her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies
"In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit
there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a
huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old
enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Susie makes
5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60
bucks a month. That should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has
put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment
trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an
answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like
you have got everything all figured out. I just have one
more question for you. "What will you do if the two of you
should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been
lucky so far."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Little Boy Wants To Marry (S238b)
          From: coreymac on 8/23/2001

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the
little girl across the street. The father, being modern
and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile
behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he said, "Have
you thought it out completely?"

"Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in
my room and the next in hers. It's right across the
street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles," the
little boy answered.

The boy had answers to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about
babies? When you're married, you're likely to have
babies, you know."

"We've thought about that too", the little boy replied.
"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an
egg, I'm going to step on it."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Girl Asks Mother Embarrassing Questions (S45, S429)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-12-08
      and From: chrisdaddyg on 4/14/2005

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl,
out of the blue, asked her mother, "How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their
age. You'll learn this as you get older." the girl then
asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women
don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up".

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then
fires off another question, "Mommy? Why did you and daddy
get a divorce?" The Mother, a little annoyed by the
questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts
me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped
off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her
girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The
girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look
at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report
card. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about
again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, I know
how old you are. You're 32 years old." The Mother is
very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know
how much weigh. You weigh 130 pounds." "Where did you
learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you
and daddy got a divorce."

Her mother just gasped and asked, "Why?" Jenny replied,
"Because it says on your drivers License that you got an
F in sex!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     A Boy And A Girl Compete (S118)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
      and From: thebartend on 5/3/99
          (Also see 'A Boy And A Girl Compete' below)

There was once two little kids, Bobby and Susie, and they lived next
door to each other their entire lives. These two kids were very
competitive of one another. If one got a swing set, the other had
to have a swing set and a jungle gym. If one got 20 dollars for
their birthday, the other had to have 25.

This went on for quite a while. One day Susie got a new bike, and
Bobby's parents said he didn't need to have a new one. Meanwhile,
Susie keeps riding past Bobby's house, trying to show off her new
bike. Bobby goes into his house crying. When his father asked him
why he was crying, Bobby told his father his story. His father got
a big grin on his face and whispered something in his ear.

The next day, Susie is once again showing off her new bike. "Bobby,
I got a new bike and you didn't. I'm better than you are!" said
Susie. Bobby just grinned, pulled down his pants and said, "So,
look what I've got. This is something you'll never have!" Knowing
that she had been defeated, she ran home crying. She told her
parents what Bobby had shown her and they both smiled and told her
something that made her very happy.

The next day, Bobby again pulls down his pants to show Susie the
treasure he possesses. She smiles, pulled up her skirt and revealed
a treasure of her own. "Oh yeah!" she started. "My mommy and daddy
told me that with one of these I can have as many of those as I want!!

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Subj:     A Boy And A Girl Compete II (S455)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 10/4/2005

          (Also see 'A Boy And A Girl Compete' above)
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19990720
You can view this cute cartoon at the source above, or on my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Baby Smiley from
Smiley_Central

.