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Subj:.....I
Love Her, But..... (S107)
From: smiles on 99-02-10
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(a
collection of men's thoughts on their women)
... she has
an uncanny way of standing between me and the
television
screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls.
The crowd goes
wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is
her butt.
-- Howard, Dodge City, Kan.
... she was
furious when I got up early once and made her
breakfast.
Called me controlling. How dare I decide that
she would eat
breakfast, let alone what she'd have?
-- Ted,
Wexford, Pa.
... what's mine
is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in
my T-shirts.
When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed,
never her own.
She steals my half-used razors; new ones are
too sharp.
She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch
to briefs just
to see what she'd do.
-- Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.
... she makes
lists. Things to buy. Things to do. People
to call.
If it's not on the list, it doesn't get done. Once,
to be funny,
I put "sex" on the list. Mistake. Now it has to
be on the list
or it doesn't get done. -- Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.
... when she
gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her.
And no rest
for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when
the idea is
to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But
when it's to
build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get
pretty intense.
-- Jim, Minneapolis
... you can
hear her eat soup from the next room.
-- Bruce,
Bridgewater, N.J.
... my wife
thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During
meals, she
asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if
they know that
their pork chops used to be smarter than
their dogs.
-- Miles, Shreveport, La.
... every so
often boom she's a brunette. Or I come home to
a redhead.
Actually, I have no idea what her natural color
is. --
Cary, Seattle
... she'll brush
her teeth but she won't go to the dentist.
She says she's
not afraid of the pain, she just doesn't want
to put herself
in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be
a dentist.
-- Terence, Gary, Ind.
... she's stopped
shaving her legs. She says that now people
will know she's
a natural blonde. -- Ned, Tucson, Ariz.
... she takes
her half of the bed out of the middle.
-- Robin,
Gladwyne, Pa.
... have you
ever seen a woman with green crust and slime
smeared over
her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you
think you'd
be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature
is next to
you? -- Arthur, Cedar City, Utah
... my wife's
allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically
stuffed.
If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate.
-- Bryan,
Toledo, Ohio
... after sex,
I mean the second after, she continues where
she left off.
Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you
hear, "...
and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and
your mother
wants you to pick up her dry cleaning ..."
-- Jimmy,
Fort Lauderdale, Fla.
... in bed I'm
her high school teacher, captain of the foot-
ball team,
her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a
telephone repairman,
a cop. Once in a while I'd like to be me.
-- Neil,
Orlando, Fla.
... she wears
these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying
around and
I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the
damn things.
Scared me half to death.
-- Gordon,
Oklahoma City, Okla.
... she takes
those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and
find her in
tears because some character died. Or upset that
some nonexistent
guy's having a fictional affair.
-- Archie,
St. Louis
... she will
not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks
they're crowded
and plebian. She doesn't even look at the
reduced rack,
other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother.
-- Conrad,
Wilmington, Del.
... it annoys
her that our children look like me.
-- James,
New Orleans
... counting
my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women.
Somebody's
always got PMS. -- Everett, Little Rock, Ark.
... with five
kids, I don't have time to complain about my wife.
I don't have
time to notice her. -- Bob, Charleston, W.Va. |
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