Subj: Marriage2 Jokes
(Includes 36 jokes and articles, 22 1092,9,cL3f,vXT3a6a,3)
Marriage1 and 2 file equally involve
both in the joke.
Marriage3 file has jokes that usually only involve one partner.
Marriage4 contains jokes and oddities
Marriage5 contains short jokes
Subj: Doorbell Stand-Up By Sebastian Maniscalco (S994)
Commedian Sebastian Maniscalco (d-iFrame)
(See "Sebastian Maniscalco Stand-Up" in Italian)
.......Click 'HERE' to see this very funny comedian.
Subj: Husband To Die Tonight (S278, S795)
From: darrell94590 on 11/8/2006
and From: tom on 4/5/2012
A man goes to the doctor after
feeling ill. The doctor
says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner.
Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going
to die this evening." The man is distraught and wonders
how he is going to tell his wife.
Well, he tells her and she takes
it pretty well. "Honey,
this is going to be a night that you will always remember,"
she says. "I am going to treat you like a king." She
prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-
After dinner she slips away and
returns in the most
incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him
into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love
they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once
done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept
her promise. Well, the husband is wide-awake watching
He knows that he is doomed.
He taps her..."Honey?" he
whispers. She rolls over and again proceeds to make love.
Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her.
She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she
grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife
rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides
to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over
and yells, "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning!"
Subj: Sex At The Freezer
Couples Seek Church Membership' in CHURCH
and 'Irish Woman Wants Viagra For Her Husband' in DOCTOR-SUPP)
A couple went to mass and took
confession. The husband went
into the confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have
The father asked him the nature
of this - to which he replied
"While my wife was bending over the freezer I had lustful
thoughts and had my way with her."
The Priest tried explaining that
having sex with your own wife
was not a sin and forgiveness was not needed. Still, the man
insisted that he felt guilty. The priest told him to say
three Hail Mary's and be on his way.
Next, the wife went into the
confessional and said that while
she was leaning over the freezer her husband had had his way
with her. The priest asked her how long she had been married.
She replied it was three years now. The priest tried to
explain to her that it was quite proper for married people to
have sex and that there was nothing to be guilty about.
Still, the woman insisted that
she felt guilty so the priest
told her to say three Hail Mary's and think no more about it.
As she turned to leave, the woman
asked the priest if her and
her husband would be banned from the church. "Banned from the
church?! Whatever gave you that idea?' the priest queried.
"Well," she said, "they banned us from the supermarket!"
Subj: Mother Of Six (S231, S764)
From: gheckman on 7/1/2001
and From: gattica30 on 9/4/2011
Mother of Six ,;;;, """\\\\
/////)) '' `\\)
|/// '' /_ _)
A man had six children and was very \(C _) | /
proud of his achievement. He was so ((_)) _= =_ /
proud of himself that he started `"`/ / \ \
calling his wife "Mother of Six" in (`""-. ?\-/``>
spite of her objections. jgs /`~~~`\ / Y`~`` \
One night they go to a party.
The man decides that it's
time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready
to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice,
'Shall we go home now
Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands
lack of discretion shouts
back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
Subj: Wife Gets Blisters From Broom - Sign (S1092)
From: Diane Swinehart on 12/20/2017
Subj: What To Do With The Roses (S78, S841)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #185 on 98-07-24
(Also see 'Boyfriend Is Buying Flowers' in BLONDE1)
This woman and her husband have
this really bad fight. He
goes off to work the next day without talking to her, but she
doesn't care. She's busy doing her thing around the house.
All of the sudden, around 1:00
in the afternoon, the doorbell
She goes to the door and opens
it and there is a young delivery
guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful
bouquet of long-stemmed red roses...the expensive ones...from
She says to the delivery guy with disgust, "Oh SHIT!"
The delivery guy says, "What's
a matter lady? You don't like
She replies, "Yeah, I like roses,
but do you know what this
He says, "No, Lady, what does this mean?"
She answers, "It means for the
next two weeks I'll be laying
on my back with my legs in the air."
He replies, "Geez, Lady, don't you have a vase???"
Subj: A Couple Eating Dinner (S127, S775)
From: pns on 8/4/2003
and From: virv on 11/23/2011
A man and a woman were having
dinner in a fine restaurant. Their
waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed
that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table,
with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man
slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across
from him appeared calm and
unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had
After the waitress finished taking
the order, she came over to
the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think
your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at
her and replied firmly, "No, he
didn't. He just walked in the door."
Subj: Husband Claimed He Was At The Race Track (S384b, S624)
From: drgolfmd on 6/2/2004
A guy was sitting quietly reading
his paper when his wife
walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a
magazine. "What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper
in your pants pocket with
the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to
the races, Mary Lou was the
name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said.
"I should have known there
was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching
a ballgame on TV when she
walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the
iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to,
he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
Subj: Drabble Comic About Spider Solitaire (S587c)
By Kevin Fagan on 4/14/2008
Subj: Couple Wants To Have Another Child (S218)
From: JBCARY1 on 4/3/2001
There was a middle-aged couple
who had two stunningly
beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last
time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife
became pregnant and sure
enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He
took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he
had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was
no way that he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters
I fathered." Then he
gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling
around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not
Subj: Husband And Wife Argue (S628c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 1/19/2009
A husband and wife were involved
in a petty argument, both
of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife
told her husband in a
conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm wrong," she said.
With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"
Subj: Bingo Card Winnings (S285)
From: dogbyte on 7/18/2002
This guy had a very attractive
wife, who was always wanting
clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off. One
day his wife came home with a diamond necklace.
The guy asked: "Where did you
His wife replied: "I won it at bingo."
The next night she came home
with a mink coat.
The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
His wife replied: "I won it at bingo."
The next night she came home
with a Mercedes Benz.
The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
His wife replied: "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my
things!! Go upstairs and run my bath for me!!"
His wife came upstairs to find
a small amount of water in
the tub. The wife asked: "How come you put so little
water in the tub?"
The guy replied: "I didn't want you to wet your bingo card"
Subj: Non Sequitur Comic Strip (S632b)
By Wiley Miller on 2/19/2009
Subj: Wife asks 'What Day Is This?' (S281b, S576b)
From: twistedhumor.com on 9/26/2000
Over breakfast one morning, a
woman said to her husband,
"I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly
answered, going out the
door to the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang,
and when the woman opened
the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long
stemmed red roses.
At 1 PM, a foil wrapped , two
pound box of her favorite
Later, a boutique delivered a
designer dress. The woman
couldn't wait for her husband to come home . "First the
flowers then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she
exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Arbor Day'
in all my life!"
Subj: How To Save A Marriage (S224)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/18/2001
"The thrill is gone from my marriage,"
Bill told his
Doug suggests, "Why not add some
intrigue to your
life and have an affair?"
"But what if my wife finds out?" asks Bill.
"Heck, this is a new age we live
in, Bill. Go ahead
and tell her about it!" said Doug.
So Bill went home and said, "Dear,
I think an affair
will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've
tried that - it
Subj: Would You Still Love Me? (S220)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 4/15/2001
Milton came into his wife's room
one day. "If I were, say,
disfigured, would you still love me," he asked her.
"Darling, I'll always love you,"
she said calmly, filing
"How about if I became impotent,
couldn't make love to you
any more?" he asked anxiously.
"Don't worry, darling, I'll always
love you," she told him,
buffing her nails.
"Well, how about if I lost my
job as vice president?"
Milton went on, if I weren't pulling in six figures any
more. Would you still love me then?"
The woman looked over at her
husband's worried face.
"Milton, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but
most of all, I'll really miss you."
I Love Her, But..... (S107)
From: smiles on 99-02-10
Drawing from ToothpasteForDinner.com...
To read this large, collection of men's
thoughts on their women, click 'HERE'.
Subj: Husband Comes Home And Asks For A Beer (S206, S389)
From: drgolfmd on 7/6/2004
Keith comes home from an exhausting
day at work, plops down
on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife,
"Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says,
"Get me another beer before
She looks cross, but fetches
another beer and slams it down
next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few
minutes later says, "Quick,
get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
"That's it!" She blows her top,
"You bastard! You waltz in
here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and
then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you
realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
Keith sighs and says, "Oh shit, it's started."
Subj: Husband Comes Home To Messy Home (S105)
From: FrankRoesc on 99-01-28
One day a man comes home from
work to find total mayhem at home.
The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud
and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.
As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess.
Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken
glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door.
The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing,
and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping
over toys, to look for his wife.
He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had
happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom,
still in bed with her pajamas on,
reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his
day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked "what happened
She again smiled and answered,
"You know everyday when you come
home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes," was his reply."
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
Subj: Husband Buys Lingerie For Wife (S102, S368b)
A man goes to Frederick's of
Hollywood. He wants to buy his
wife the most see-thru lingerie he can find. The woman
behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," he says.\
"This one is $350."
"I want even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife
and shows it to her, saying,
"Go and put this on and come down to model it for me." His
wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing
is so see-thru that the old coot won't even notice if I'm
wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and
he won't know the difference." So his wife comes out wearing
nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.
"So, how do you like it?" she asks. "Damn," he says, "you'd
think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."
Subj: Things To Do With A Useless Man - GIF (S402)
From: JokesUncut on 7/14/2004
Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Subj: Old Husband Tells Wife They Are Broke
From: humorlist-digest V2 #279 on 98-11-28
An old retired man goes to his
wife one day, and says to her,
"I don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market
crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke."
The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."
Husband replies, "Our savings
are all gone and you want is to
go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than
me." So off they go into town.
When they get there the wife
points and says, "See that office
building? We own that."
Husband thinks his wife is nuts
so he mumbles something
unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which
just happens to be the richest part of town.
Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own those."
Husband is now sure his wife
is certifiably crazy so he says,
"What makes you think we own all this property?"
Wife replies, "Remember when
we first got married and for jokes
you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the
money and invested it and 20 years later this is what has become
of it all. Not bad, eh?"
Husband says, "Dammit woman,
if I'd known you were this good with
money I'd have probably given you all my business."
Subj: Husband Goes To Bar, Wife Wants Sex (S77, S463b)
From: thebartend on 98-07-17
(See 'Bed Wetting Woman See Doctor' in DOCTOR2)
There's this young couple, Joya
? Dennis, they've been married
for about a year, and the bride isn't getting enough (any) sex.
Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets
changed and goes down the pub. She's getting increasingly
rampant and the days go on, but each night she is disappointed.
Dennis comes home every night completely spannered and unfit
for any sexual activity.
One particular night when Dennis
gets in from work, Joya is
seated provocativey on the sofa, wearing the most skimpy dress
she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace knickers ?
bra. As is always the case, Dennis runs upstairs, gets ready
and goes down the pub.
Once again, Joya is rejected,
so she sits back with a bottle
of wine to console herself.
At 10:15 (well before normal)
she hears Dennis coming up the
driveway and opening the front door. Joya re-adopts her sexually
provocative pose on the sofa, and to her surprise, Dennis's
first words are "right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom".
"YES!" she says under her breath
as she runs upstairs, "This
*IS* the night, I'm gonna get my oats!"
When Joya reaches the bedroom,
she removes her outer garments
and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace undies - ready
for Dennis, as he stomps up the stairs. As Dennis pushes the
bedroom door open he says "right, now get your kit off!". Joya
doesn't need telling twice, it's off in a trice. "Now get over
in front of the mirror..", 'kinky' she thinks 'great!', "..and
do a handstand..", 'oh god, I've been waiting for this for ages'
Dennis walks over to Joya, parts
her legs and places his chin in
her crotch... "Perhaps the blokes were right, a beard wouldn't
Subj: Wife Stays With Man Through Bad Times (S127, S358)
From: pns on 12/7/2003
A man was walking across the
road when he was struck by a
car. The impact was on his head which caused him to be
comatose for two days before he finally regained conscious-
ness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him.
He held her hand and said meaningfully:
"You have always been
beside me. When I was a struggling university student, I
failed again and again. You were always there beside me,
encouraging me to go on trying".
She squeezed his hands as he
continued. "When I went for all
the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs,
you were there beside me, cutting out more ads for me to
apply..." He continued, "Then I started work at this little
firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it
because of one little mistake. And you were there beside
Then I finally got another job
after being laid off for some
time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was
not recognized. As such, I remained in the same position
from the day I joined the company till now. And you were
there beside me".
Her eyes brimmed with tears as
she listened to her husband.
"And now I had an accident and when I woke up, you were here
beside me... There's something I'd really like to say to
She flung herself on the bed
to hug her husband, sobbing
with emotion. He said..., " I think you really bring me
Subj: Andy Capp Comic Strip (S604b)
By Reg Smythe on 8/4/2008
Subj: Wife Concerned With Husband's Smoking
From: RFSlick on 98-05-13
Knew a girl at work once who
was truly concerned about her
husband's smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten
him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times
when they had finished making love. She had gotten the idea
from a classic movie they had both see on TV called "Cold
After about a week, I asked her how it was going.
"Well, not too bad." she said,
getting up off of a pillow she
had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine.
"I've gotten him down to about a pack a night now."
Subj: Mother And Dad Go Upstairs For Sex (S65, S438b)
From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
and From: KMacinty on 8/25/99
(Also see 'Thumb Sucking' in Kids1)
These two little boys are sitting
in the living room, watching
TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with
a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father "gets the message",
and they both get up and head towards the stairs.
The mother turns back to the
two boys and says, "we're going
upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV we'll be
right back, Ok?".
The two boys nod 'OK', and the parents take off upstairs.
The eldest of the two boys is
old enough to know what's going on
now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the
stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and just shakes
Back downstairs he goes back
to his little brother. "Come with
me", he says. And the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs.
Halfway up, the older brother
turns to his brother and says,
"Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who
used to bust our asses for sucking our thumbs ..."
Subj: Husband Sobbing In Basement (S64, S551b)
From: gheckman on 6/7/2004
and From: ginafm on 8/11/2007
A wife woke of the middle of
the night to find her husband
missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the
house. She heard sobbing from the basement.
After turning on the light and
descending the stairs, she
found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
She watches as he wipes a tears from his eyes.
"What's the matter, dear?" she
whispers as she steps into
the room "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "I am just
remembering when we first
met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do
you remember back then?" he asks solemnly. The wife is
touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The
words were not coming easily. "Do
you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of
"Yes, I remember," said the wife,
lowering herself into a
chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you
remember when he shoved the
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter,
or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his
cheek and says... "I would
have gotten out today."
Subj: What I Promised (S622b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 10/22/2008
Source: (Removed from buffaloschips.com)
Subj: How Do You Know If You're In Love, In Lust, Or Married?
From: JimDeb5 on 98-02-13
(Also see 'Love, Lust And Marriage' in LOVE file)
When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust: When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage: When you lose your child in a crowded room.
When intercourse is called "making love".
Lust: When intercourse is called "screwing."
Marriage: What the hell are you talking about.
When you argue over how many children to have.
Lust: When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
Marriage: When you argue over money.
When you share everything you own.
Lust: When you steal everything they own.
Marriage: When the bank owns everything.
When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust: When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage: What's a climax?
When you phone each other just to say "hi!"
Lust: When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
Marriage: When you phone each other to bitch.
When you write poems about your partner.
Lust: When all you write is your phone number.
Marriage: When all you write is checks.
When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
Lust: When you couldn't give a shit.
Marriage: When your only concern is what's on TV.
When your farewell is, "I love you, darling..."
Lust: When your farewell is, "So, same time next week..."
Marriage: When your farewell is a relief.
When you are proud to be seen in public with
Lust: When you only see each other naked.
Marriage: When you never see each other awake.
When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
Lust: When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
Marriage: When your wallet empties everytime you see them.
When nobody else matters.
Lust: When nobody else knows.
Marriage: When everybody else matters and you don't
care who knows.
When all the songs on the radio describe
exactly how you feel.
Lust: When the song on the radio determines
how you do it.
Marriage: When you listen to talk radio.
When breaking up is something you try not
to think about.
Lust: When staying together is something you try not
to think about.
Marriage: When just getting through today is your only thought.
When you're only interested in doing things
with your partner.
Lust: When you're only interested in doing things
TO your partner.
Marriage: When you're only interested in your golf score.
Subj: Marrying A Younger Woman
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
A middle-aged businessman took
a young woman half his age as
his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed
soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last
long enough to satisfy his young bride.
His wife, as understanding as
she was exciting, told him that
all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet
young thing, the man visited
the doctor to get some advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold
back for very long when I make
love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him
on the shoulder, and said in a
professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before
having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll
last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young
bride called him at work to
let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door
when he arrived home.
"Be prepared, my darling. I'm
going to ravish you," she cooed
over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to
follow the doctor's advice.
But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone
walked in on him?
He got in his truck and began
the journey home. Soon he
decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb
underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear
axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over,
crawled beneath the truck,
closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife,
and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as
he was about to complete his
therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg.
Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy
he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department.
Could you tell me
what you are doing, please?" said the officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting
my truck's rear axle," he
"Well, why don't you check the
brakes while you're down
there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
Subj: Husband Admits He Has A Mistress (S218, S558)
From: darrellvip on 9/30/2007
A married couple was enjoying
a dinner out when a statuesque
brunette walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings
with the husband, and walked off.
"Who was that?" the wife demanded.
"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."
"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.
The husband looked her straight
in the eye and said, "Are you
sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your
Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in
For a long time they continued
dining in silence. Finally, the
woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over
there? Who's he with?"
"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.
"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."
New Sex Study
..........in 2007 (S530c)
You can read the new sex study
of married couples by
Subj: Boy Walks In On His Parents
From: Octagon999 on 97-11-13
(See 'Horsey Ride!' in MARRIAGE5)
A man and wife having finished
foreplay when she asks the
dreaded question. Darling would you use a condom?
Reluctantly he leaves the bed,
goes to the dresser and
fetches one, is putting it on when he sees the bedroom door
open and his seven year old boy is saying goodnight to his
mother. (Late trip to the batroom)
Mom has pulled the covers over
her head and pretends to be
sleeping. Dad with nowhere to hide falls to the floor on
all fours and tries to coverup as best as he can.
The boy looks at Dad and asks
"Goodnight Dad. Uhh what
are you doing?"
Dad says "Ohh ahhh Just looking for a mouse."
The child says "Oh Cool!!
When you catch him, what are
you going to do, fuck him?"
Subj: In Touch With My Needs (S43, S501)
From: TNKRTEACH in Nov. 1997
and From: drgolfmd on 8/29/2006
I never have quite figured out
why the sexual urges of
men and women differ so much. And I never have figured
out the whole Mars vs Venus thing. And, I never have
figured out why men think with their head and women
with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out
how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of
turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."
One evening last week, my wife
and I were getting into
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she
eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you
to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??" So she
says the words that I and every
husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must
not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
I'm thinking, "What was her first
clue?" I finally
realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so
I went to sleep.
The very next day we went shopping
at a big unnamed
department store... I walked around while she tried on
three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth
$200 each to which I say OK.
And then we go to the Jewelry
Dept. where she gets a
set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was
so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave
short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I
think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis
bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think
I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited
from all of this and you
should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go,
let's go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself
when I blurted out, "No,
honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You
should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I
then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this
stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look
like she was going to kill
me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial
needs as a Man."
I figure that I should be having
sex again sometime during
the spring thaw.
Subj: Moaning During Sex (S48)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #219 on 97-12-30
Morris comes home to find his
wife, Sadie, crying. "I found
out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair
with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you
do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've
cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been
by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to
make you happy?"
Embarrassed, Morris confesses,
"It's true, Sadie, you've
been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy
in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"
"If I moaned when we had sex,
you'd stop running around?!
All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I,
too, can moan during sex!"
So they retire to the bedroom,
get undressed, and climb
beneath the sheets.
As they begin to kiss, Sadie
asks, "Now, Morris, should
I moan now?"
"No not yet."
Morris begins fondling Sadie.
"What about now? Should I
"No, I'll tell you when."
He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse.
"Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"
"Wait, I'll tell you when."
Moments later, in the heat of
passion, seconds before
Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"
"OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"
Pickles Sunday Comic Strip (S666)
By Brian Crane in 2009 (in Barber)
This Sunday comic strip is very
funny and very real.
Click 'HERE' to see it.