Subj: Marriage3 Jokes
..........(Includes 34 jokes, 25 1127n,6,cf,vXT4a6a,3)
Tire Swing from
Marriage1 and 2 file equally involve
both in the joke.
Marriage3 file has jokes that usually only involve one partner.
Marriage4 contains jokes and oddities
Marriage5 contains short jokes
Subj: Whyatt Cartoons (S666)
By Tim Whyatt in 2009
.........Tim Whyatt is from Australia. His cartoons
.........are funny in a dirty Far Side kind of way.
Subj: Wife In Bed With Uncle Frank
From: RFSlick in 2001 (S232, S1089)
(Also see 'Lawyer And His Adulterous Wife' in LAWYER1)
It was Saturday morning and
John's just about to set off on
a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his
wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming
around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and
"Hello" Says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy,"Says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says,
"But you haven't got an Uncle
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what
I want you to do. Put down the
phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout
to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside
A few minutes later, the little
girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed
with no clothes on and ran
around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell
down the front steps and she's just lying there. Her neck
is at a funny angle. I think she's dead."
"Oh my god... And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no
clothes on too and he was all
scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming
pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out
all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the
swimming pool and is just lying there, not moving. He may
be dead too."
There is a long pause, then Bob
says, "Swimming pool? Is
Subj: Proxy Father (S104, S577)
From: scott_pryor in 1999
The Smiths had no children and
decided to use a proxy father
to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The
man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance,
a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good
morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain.
I've been expecting you," Mrs.
Smith cut in.
"Really ?" the photographer asked.
"Well, good! I've made a
specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I
had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith,
"Leave everything to me.
I usually try two in the bathtub,
one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes
the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor?
No wonder it didn't work for
Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can
guarantee a good one everytime.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from
six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a
man must take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase
and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top
of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed,
tugging at her
"And these twins turned out exceptionally
well when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The
photographer handed Mrs.Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I
finally had to take her to Hyde
Park to get the job done right. People were crowding
around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs.Smith,
eyes widened in
"Yes", the photographer said.
"And for more than three
hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and
yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness
approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when
the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You
mean they actually chewed
on your, eh... equipment ?".
"That's right. Well madam, if
you're ready, I'll set up
my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod
to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for
action. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted !!"
Subj: Drunk Performs Oral Sex With His Wife
From: DoctorDebt in 2003 (S342b)
Two guys are sitting at the bar
when one turns to the other
and says,"Shit man, I'm in trouble. If my wife catches me
drunk once more, I am in deep shit."
The other guy replies, "Don't
worry about it. Have another
drink and let me tell you the solution to your problems.
This is what you do: first, have another drink. Second,
when you get home, take off all your clothes, climb into
bed and starting performing oral sex on your wife."
So the first guy has another
drink and then stumbles home
with this guys advice in mind.
When he gets home, he takes off
all his clothes, climbs
into bed and starts "going to town" on his wife. She is
loving it! She is moaning and groaning, grabbing his hair
and going nuts. After about fifteen minutes of this, he
stops, gets out of bed and goes to take a shower.
As he enters the shower, his
wife is exiting the bathroom.
Stunned, the guy yelps out loud and says, "what the hell
are you doing here?"
His wife replied, "Hush! You'll wake up your mother."
Subj: Dad Takes Care of New Baby
From: Anaise in 1998
One day, shortly after the birth
of their new baby, the
mother had to go out to do some errands. So the 'proud
papa' stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.
The father did everything he
could think of to do, but the
baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried
he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to
the father tell all that he
had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began
to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the
When he undid the diaper, he
finds that the diaper is
indeed full. "Here's the problem," the Dr. says. "He
needs a change."
The father is very perplexed,
"But the diaper package
says it's good for up to 10 lbs.
The Perfect Husband (S542d-iFrame)
From: darrell94590 in 2007
A gentleman at the club receives
a cell phone call from
his wife who would like to make a few purchases. This
video clip is a commercial remake of one of my favorite
jokes. It is worth the trip to the internet. You can
view it by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: The Perfect Husband II
From: pns in 2000 (S020, S511c)
There are several men in the
locker room of a private club
after exercising. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a
man engages the handsfree speaker-function and the
following conversation ensues:
- "Honey, It's me."
- "Are you at the club?"
- "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I
saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!!
Can I buy it?"
- "What's the price?"
- "Only $15,000.00"
- "Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
- "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke
with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ...
and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought
- "What price did he quote you?"
- "Only $60,000..."
- "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
- "Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
- "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank
account and... I stopped by the real estate agent this
morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year...
it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English
Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
- "How much are they asking?"
- "Only $4,500,000... a magnificent price, and I see that
we have that much in the bank to cover..."
- "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $4,250,000.
- "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
- "Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up. The other
men are looking at him in
astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this cell
phone belongs to?"
Subj: Man Murders His Wife (S811)
A guy has been married to his
wife for a long time, finally
deciding that he can't stand it anymore. He goes to the
local pub and picks out the seediest character in the
'I need someone to kill my wife, can you help me'.
"Sure I know a few guys you can
try", and hands him the
name and addresses of three guys who would perform the task.
Off he goes to see the first
guy on the list (Henry the Killer)
H: "Sure I will do it but it will fifty thousand dollars."
M: "Too much, I'll find someone else."
Next he goes to the second guy
on the list (Sam the Man)
S: "Sure I will do it but it will a thousand dollars."
M: "Too much, I'll find someone else."
Finally he tries the last guy
on the list (Arti the Idiot)
A: "Sure I will do it but it will a dollar."
M: "It's a deal."
The dastardly deed is to be done
in the Safeway parking
lot. Arti walks up to her and starts choking her to death.
Just as he was finishing another woman came up to see what
was happening, to cover his track he starts to choke her as
well when the store manager comes running up screaming.
Arti is in trouble so he decides to kill the manager as
well before he was finally subdued by police.
In the newspaper the next morning
the headlines read
"Arti-chokes three for a dollar at Safeway."
Subj: Husband And Cabbie Catch Wife
From: RFSlick in 2001 (S242b, S624b)
A man returning home a day early
from a business trip, got
into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while en route
to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as
he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to
catch her in the act.
The driver agreed, and they both
tiptoed into the bedroom,
turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the
wife in bed with another man.
The husband put his gun to the
man's head, and the wife
shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very generous.
Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought
for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, he did!"
The husband, looked over at the
cab driver, and said,
"What would you do in a case like this?"
The cabbie smiled, and said,
"I'd cover him up before he
Subj: Lazy Husband (S354)
From: CHRISDADDYG in 2003
A woman could never get her husband
to do anything around
the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of
the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more--would never do those
little household repairs that most husbands take care of.
This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up.
When her husband got home,
she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you
look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like?
The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal
wouldn't work. When her
husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal
won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again,
he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine
was on the blink. When her
husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey,
the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again
was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repair-
man? Finally, she had had enough.
The next morning, the woman called
a repairmen to fix the
toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband
got home, she said, "Honey, I had a repairmen out today." He
frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey,
he said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex
with him." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he
asked. She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"
Subj: Husband Hires Private Dick (S202)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com in 2000
A jealous husband hired a private
detective to check on the
movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written
report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned
with a video. They sat
down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than
professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing
in the park. He saw them
enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly
lit nightclub. He saw the man
and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not
to believe? It's right up
there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't
believe that my wife could be
so much fun!"
Perfect Couple Meets Santa
in 2005 (S458d-On Site, SWF)
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve,
a perfect couple met
Santa Claus. You can view this cute SWF video on my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Perfect Couple Meets Santa (S254)
From: danmaggot in 2001
Perfect Day' in DIFFERENCES3
and 'Santa Sees A Hundred Dollar Bill' in SANTA
and 'Perfect' a stand alone copy of this joke)
Once upon a time, a perfect man
and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy,
stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
their perfect car (BMW) along a winding road, when they
noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There
stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys. Not
wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of
Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys
into their vehicle.
Soon, they were driving along,
delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and
the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only
one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer)
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who
really existed in the first place. Everyone knows
there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing
as a perfect man.
Women stop reading here, this is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the
perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why
there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman
and you're reading this,
this illustrates another point: women never listen,
either. You were told to stop scrolling.
Subj: Husband Meets A Bum (S286c)
From: RFSlick in 2002
(Also see 'The Homeless Man' in MEN4)
A bum, who obviously had seen
more than his share of hard
times approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street.
"Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars"?
"Are you going to spend it on liquor?"
"NO, Sir, I do not drink," the bum retorts.
The gentleman said, "are you
going to throw it away on
some FISHING GEAR"?
The bum, "No way, I don't fish".
"You wouldn't waste money on
HUNTING EQUIPMENT would you?
said the gentleman.
"Never", says the bum, "I don't hunt".
The gentleman asks the bum if
he would like a home cooked
meal? The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading to
the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the best of him.
"Isn't your wife going to be
angry when she sees a guy
like me at your table?
"Probably", says the man, "but
it will be worth it. I want
her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish or
Subj: British Wife's Revenge On Husband (S234)
From: Boanhead of the day in 2001
Source: (Removed from bonehead.oddballs.com)
Virginia Chadwick wanted revenge
on her estranged husband.
So she hired a 12-year-old girl and a 14-year-old boy for
2 pounds each (about $3 ?) to beat someone up so she could
blame it on her husband. So who was to be beaten up?. Nope,
not her husband. Nope not someone else. Her! to beat her
up. And beat up she was. This plot almost worked too. Her
husband Paul, 31, was convicted of assault and fined 450
pounds and faced losing his job as a prison manager. But
the kids admitted the whole story about how she paid them
to hit her in the face (of all places) with a beans can.
She's being charged with perjury.
Subj: Married To A Male Chauvinist (S169, S387)
From: collins2 in 2000
(See 'Friendly Advice To Men' in MANNERS)
Mary was married to a male chauvinist.
They both worked
full time, but he never did anything around the house and
certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was
But one evening Mary arrived
home from work to find the
children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine
and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a
beautifully set table, complete with flowers.
She was astonished, and she immediately
wanted to know
what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her
husband, had read a magazine article that suggested
working wives would be more romantically inclined if
they weren't so tired from having to do all the house-
work in addition to holding down a full-time job.
The next day, she couldn't wait
to tell her friends
in the office. "How did it work out?" they asked.
"Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even
cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded
the laundry and put everything away."
"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.
"It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."
Subj: Father Pays Son To Sit At The Curb (S129)
From: JCary in 2099
A husband had been away for a
few months and had a romantic
evening planned for he and his wife. He sent the two older
kids to the movies but could not persuade the youngest boy
to go along. Finally he makes a deal with the boy. If the
boy will go sit on the curb in front of their house, the
father will give the boy $5 bucks for every man he sees go
by in a red hat.
A while later the little boy
comes running into the house
and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts: "Dad, if you think
your getting screwed in there, you'd better come outside;
there's a Shriner's convention going past."
Subj: Teenage Slang (S412b)
From: DafterLafter in 2004
Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Subj: Picking A Wife (S344)
From: LABLaughs in 2003
(See 'Picking a secretary' in WOMEN1)
There is a man who has three
girlfriends, but he does not
know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000
and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets
a total makeover with the
money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure,
pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so
I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought
new golf clubs, a CD
player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man.
She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because
I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000
and invests it in the stock
market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man
and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest
of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard
about how each of the women
spent the money... and decided to marry the one with the
Subj: Kinds Of Sex In Marriage (S480)
(See 'Kitchen Sex' in Marriage6)
There are three kinds of sex
in a marriage. The first is
Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage;
you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, in the kitchen.
The second kind is Bedroom Sex.
You've calmed down a bit,
perhaps have kids, you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The third kind is Hallway Sex.
This is where you pass each
other in the hallway and say "Fuck you."
There is also a fourth kind of
sex: Courtroom Sex. This is
when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of
everyone in court.
Subj: Son Wants To Get Married (S508)
One Sunday morning George burst
into the living room and said,
"Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting
married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block
away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, George's dad took
him aside, "Son, I have to
talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have
been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but,
she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I
used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your
half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was broken-hearted.
After eight months he eventually
started dating girls again. A year later he came home and
very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting
married in June.
Again his father insisted on
another private conversation and
broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George.
I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally
decided to go to his mother with
the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I
guess I'm never going to get
married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells
me the girl is my half sister."
"Heheh," his mother chuckled,
shaking her head, "don't pay any
attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
Subj: Talking To Husband During Sex
Two women were chatting and one
asked the other, "Mable,
do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate
intercourse?" Mable answered,
"Heavens No! Why would
you want to make a phone call at
a time like that?"
Subj: Woman Discusses Her Four Marriages (S340)
From: Imogenelumen in 2003
Aged Couple Marry' in WEDDING-HONEYMOON
and 'Fifth Marriage' in this file)
Two women met for the first time
since graduating from high
school 40 years ago. One asked the other, "You were always
so organized in school, "Did you manage to live a well
"Oh yes," said her friend. "My
first marriage was to a
millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third
marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an
Her friend asked, "What do those
marriages have to do with
a well planned life?"
"One for the money, two for the
show, three to get ready,
and four to go."
But I Want It (S531b)
From: LABLaughsAdult in 2007
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
You can view this cute, dirty,
large comic strip
by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Marriage And Eggs (S127, S426)
(Also see 'Bill And Hillary's 30th Anniversary' in POLIT-CLINSCDL2)
There was this couple who had
been married for about twenty
years. They hardly ever kept any secrets except maybe just
a couple. One of these secrets involved the missus. From
day one she said to her husband, "No matter what, you should
never ever look in the bottom drawer of my dresser". Through-
out their marriage he never did until after one night when he
had a few too many. Anyway when he looks into the bottom
drawer he is surprised to find 3 eggs and about 50 bucks in
change in a glass jar.
About a week later his curiosity
got the better of him so he
asks his wife about what he had found. She was quite upset
over his actions but went on to explain. "You see, whenever
I was unfaithful I put an egg in the drawer".
The husband too got upset over
this but was not overly
distraught because they had been married for so long and
always maintained a good sex life. Then he asked his wife,
"What about the change in the glass jar?". She replies
swiftly, "Oh that. Every time I got a dozen I sold 'em!"
Subj: Fifth Marriage
Aged Couple Marry' in WEDDING-HONEYMOON
and 'Woman Discusses Her Four Marriages' in this file)
So this woman is having lunch
w. an old friend of hers.
During the course of their conversation, the one says to
the other: " Joelene, is it true you are getting married
for the fifth time and you are still a VIRGIN?"
To which Joelene responds: "
Yes it is true Madge, I have
been divorced four times, and I am still a virgin." Madge
then says: "But how can that be?."
Joelene replies: " Well,
my first husband was a high school
teacher and all he wanted to do was teach me about it. My
second husband was a politician, and all he wanted to do was
talk about it. My third husband was a contractor, so he kept
telling me he'd do it tomorrow. My fourth husband was a
gynecologist, all he ever wanted to do was look at it. But
not to worry Madge, this time I've married a lawyer, so I
know I'm going to get screwed!"
Subj: Flying A Kite (S292b, S455b)
From: janeenmarie in 2005
A guy is outside in his front
yard attempting to fly a kite
with his son. Every time the kite gets up in the air, it
comes crashing down. After this goes on for awhile, his
wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You
need more tail."
The guy turns to his son and
says, "Son, I never will under-
stand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail,
and she said to go fly a kite."
Subj: Man And Wife Are Having Two Problems
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #20 (S146)
Frank and Tony worked
at the automobile plant for many
years and were good friends. One day during a coffee break,
Frank thought Tony looked out of sorts and told him so, asking
him what the problem was.
Tony: It's my wife. She's giving me a hard time.
Frank: After all these years of married life? Why?
Tony: She gets upset about me picking my nose. And when we
have sex, she wants to be on top.
Frank: Can't you work out some compromise with her?
Tony: Not on these two things. I can't change now.
Frank: C'mon Tony, why not? Why won't you even try?
Tony: It goes way back. When I left home to go out on my own,
my father and I had a talk. He said, "Tony, you're a
gooda boy an I wanna you to be a success. There'sa two
things you gotta promise me that you'll always remember.
One is to keepa you nose clean and the other is to
NEVER fuck up".
Subj: Comming Home Late (S32)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #189 in 1997
"I can never fool my wife." the
first complained. "I turn off
the car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes,
sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always
wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving
"You got the wrong technique
my friend." his buddy replied.
"I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps,
rub my hand on her ass and say, 'How about a little?' She
always pretends to be asleep."
Subj: Marriage Is Like A Deck Of Cards
From: Tom in 2017 (S1089)
Subj: Firing Starter Pistol During Sex (S41, S366b)
From: The Bartenders Joke 1997 and 2004
Two guys are in a bar discussing
their sex lives. One guy
says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?"
The other guy says, "Not too
good. Every time me and the
missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's
The first guy says, "Yeah, I
know what you mean. I used to
have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter
pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam,
I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright
that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish
I'd done it years ago."
The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that."
The next day they are back in
the bar again. The first guy
says, How did you get on with the starter pistol?"
The other guy says, "Don't talk
to me about starter pistols!
Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost
interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol,
just like you said."
The first guy says, "So what happened?"
The other guy says, "She bit
my dick, pissed all over me, and my
neighbor came out of the closet with his hands up!"
Subj: Nine Marriages
(slightly different from above version)
I have been married nine times. Let me explain...
My first husband was a MUSICIAN.
All he wanted to do was play with it.
My second husband was a DOCTOR.
All he wanted to do was examine it.
My third husband was a POLITICIAN.
All he wanted to do was make promises to it.
My fourth husband was a PSYCHIATRIST.
All he wanted to do was talk about it.
My fifth husband was a PHOTOGRAPHER.
All he wanted to do was take pictures of it.
My sixth husband was a POLICEMAN.
All he wanted to do was keep it under lock and key.
My seventh husband was a HAIRDRESSER.
All he wanted to do was tease it.
My eighth husband was a GOURMET.
All he wanted to do was taste it.
My ninth husband is the best,
he is a MECHANIC.
He tore it up the first night and he's been working
on it ever since.
Subj: Thoughts On Marriage
From: ipkis in 1997
To both married and to be married men,
1. Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence (a life sentence!).
2. Marriage is very much like
a violin; after the sweet music
is over, the strings are attached.
3. Marriage is love. Love is
blind. Therefore marriage is
an institution for the blind.
4. Marriage is an institution
in which a man loses his
Bachelor's Degree and the women gets her Masters.
5. Marriage is a thing which
puts a ring in a woman's finger
and two under the man's eyes.
6. Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.
7. Marriage is not just having
a wife but also worries
8. Marriage requires a man to
prepare 4 types of 'RINGS':
- The Engagement Ring
- The Wedding Ring
- The Suffe-Ring
- The Endu-Ring
9. Marriage life is full of
excitement and frustration:
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and
the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
10. Is it true that love is blind
but marriage is definitely
11. Getting married is very much
like going to the restaurant
with friends: You order what you want, and when you see
what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
12. It's true, all men are born
free and equal
- but some of them get married.
13. There was this man who muttered
a few words in the church
and found himself married. A year later he muttered something
in his sleep and found himself divorced.
14. A happy marriage is a matter
of giving and taking;
the husband gives and the wife takes.
15. Son: How much does it cost
to get married Dad ?
Father: I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true, Dad, that I heard that in China,
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries?
Father: That happens everywhere, son. EVERYWHERE.
16. There was a man who said,
"I never knew what happiness
was until I got married ... and then it was too late !"
17. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
18. They say that when a man
holds a woman's hand before
marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.
19. When a newly married man
looks happy, we know why.
But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
20. There was this lover who
told his love that he would go
through hell for her. They got married and now he is
going through HELL !
21. Did you know that there are
three types if people in the
world? There are those that can count and those that can't!
Subj: Letter From Husband To Wife
From: Amy's Humor Archive in 1997
To my dear wife,
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365
times. I have succeeded 12 times. The following list is
why I didn't succeed often:
The sheets are clean...............................54
It's too late......................................17 times
Too tired from shopping all day....................49 times
It's too early.....................................20 times
It's too hot.......................................15 times
Pretending to be asleep............................15 times
The neighbors will hear us..........................3 times
Your mother will hear us............................9 times
Not in the mood....................................43 times
You'll wake the baby...............................17 times
Watching the late show..............................6 times
New Hairdo..........................................5 times
Too sore...........................................16 times
Wrong time of the month............................36 times
Have to get up early...............................19 times
Of the 12 times I did succeed,
the activity was not
satisfactory because 2 times you just laid there, 4 times
you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 3
times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 2
times I had to wake you to tell you I was finished, and
once I was afraid I hurt you because I felt you move.
And the Wife's response...
To my dear husband,
I think you have gotten things a little confused. Here
are the real reasons you did not get it more often that
Came home drunk and tried to
fuck the cat..........15 times
Did not come home at all...........................36 times
Did not come.......................................21 times
Came too soon......................................33 times
Went soft before you got it in.....................33 times
Toes cramped.......................................10 times
Working too late...................................38 times
Have to get up early and play golf.................29 times
Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls.....2 times
Caught Herman in your zipper........................4 times
Caught a cold and your nose kept running............3 times
Burned your tongue on hot coffee....................3 times
You had a splinter in your finger...................2 times
Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book.......16 times
Watching football on TV............................98 times
Hemorrhoids flared up..............................10 times
Of the times we did get together,
the reason I laid still
was because you were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking
about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, would
you prefer me on my back or kneeling. The time you felt
me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!
.............................Mrs. Smiley and child from Smiley_Central.