Subj: Marriage4 Jokes
(Includes 66 jokes and articles, 07 1034n,6,cf,vXT4,6)
Beach Toys from
Marriage1 and 2 file equally involve
both in the joke.
Marriage3 file has jokes that usually only involve one partner.
Marriage4 contains jokes and oddities
Marriage5 contains short jokes
Subj: Herman Cartoon II (S654b)
by Jim Unger on 7/20/2009
Subj: Husband Pinches Wife's Butt And Breast (S124)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/10/99
One morning while making breakfast,
a man walked up to his
wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you
firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this
was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better
and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke
his wife with a pinch on the
breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could
get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response,
so she rolled over and grabbed him by his package. With a
death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this
up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the
butler, the pool man, and your brother."
Subj: Husband On His Deathbed (S138, S866)
From: KMacinty on 09/22/1999
With Only 24 Hours To Live Wants Sex' in SEX1
and 'Elderly Man Dying For A Cookie' in FUNERAL)
Sally was standing vigil over
her husband's deathbed. As
she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her
face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his
He looked up and his pale lips
began to move slightly.
"My darling Sally," he whispered.
Hush, my love," she said.
"Go back to sleep. Shhh.
But he was insistent. "Sally,"
he said in his tired voice.
"I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess,"
replied the weeping Sally.
"It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in
peace, Sally. I slept with your
sister, your best friend and your mother."
Sally mustered a pained smile
and stroked his hand. "Hush
now John, don't torment yourself. I know all about it,"
she said, "Now you be still, and let the poison work."
How To Use Handcuffs In Bed (S566b,d)
From: ginafm on 11/25/2007
A wife makes good use of handcuffs
in bed to fulfill
her desires. Click 'HERE'. to see this cute, short
Subj: Marriage Riddle (S560)
From: Puzzles And Brain Teasers on 10/06/2007
Source: (Removed from apuzzlezone.com)
If JOHN is
married to JUANITE
And MARCUS is married to SIMONE
And NANTEO is married to SUZI
Then who is married to SUE?
The solution can be found on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Marriage "Miranda Rights" (S490c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/13/2006
You have the right to remain
silent. Anything you say will
be misquoted AND MISUNDERSTOOD AND then used AND HELD against
IF YOU GIVE UP THAT RIGHT YOU
WILL BE PUNISHED FOR THE REST
OF YOUR LIFE FOR WHAT SHE THOUGHT YOU MEANT BY WHAT YOU SAID
WHEN YOU SHOULD HAVE EXERCISED YOUR RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.
(EVEN IF YOU MEANT THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT SHE THOUGHT
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN ATTORNEY,
ALTHOUGH THAT WON'T HELP.
YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY THEM AND YOU'LL STILL LOSE EVERYTHING IN
THE DIVORCE SETTLEMENT.
YOU CANNOT WIN-GIVE UP ALL HOPE
AND JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH-EVEN
THOUGH YOU'LL BE PUNISHED FOR REMAINING SILENT-BECAUSE YOU'RE
WRONG FOR NOT SAYING WHAT SHE THINKS YOU'RE THINKING.
REPEAT AFTER ME-"YES, DEAR!"
ANYTHING ELSE WILL BE MISUNDERSTOOD,
AND YOU WILL SUFFER FOR IT.
Subj: The Ten Commandments Of Marriage (S409b)
From: jbcary1 on 11/20/2004
Marriages are made in heaven.
But so again, are thunder
If you want your wife to listen
and pay strict attention
to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of
marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
When a man opens the door of
his car for his wife, you can
be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Before marriage, a man will lie
awake all night thinking
about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Every man wants a wife who is
economical, and a good cook but the law allows only one wife.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished..
Bonus Commandment story.
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too.
But he leaned over too much,
fell into the well, and
The wife was stunned for a moment
but then smiled, "It
Subj: The Ten Commandments Of Love (S344)
From: FridaySilliness on 9/5/2003
I I am thy Main Squeeze; thou
shalt squeeze no others
II Thou shalt not take the name
of thy Squeeze in vain,
nor badmouth me behind my back.
III Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.
IV Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.
V Thou shalt not kill my love
by behaving tackily
and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee.
VI Thou shalt not commit adultery,
nor shalt thou even THINK
about it if thou knowest what's good for thee.
VII Thou shalt not steal from
my purse/wallet while I am
in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make
long-distance calls from my telephone.
VIII Thou shalt not talk about
our personal problems
to our friends.
IX Thou shalt not covet the higher
market price of
thy neighbor's house.
X Thou shalt not covet
thy neighbor's Squeeze,
nor son or daughter.
Your House (541b)
From: darrell94590 on 5/22/2007
You can view these cute five photos by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Husband Shares Wife's Birth Pain (S134, S638c)
From: mbucher on 8/21/99
and From: ginafm on 4/2/2009
A married couple went to the
hospital together to have their
baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had
invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the
mother's pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they
were willing to try it out. They were both very much in
favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10
percent for starters, explaining
that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father
had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed,
the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and
bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to
20 percent pain transfer. He husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's
blood pressure and pulse and
was amazed at how well he was doing. Then, they decided to
try 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he
encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The
wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She
and her husband were ecstatic.
When the husband arrived back
at home, the mailman was dead
on the front porch.
Subj: Woman's Lover Is Husband's Best Friend (S121)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 5/25/99
A woman is in bed with her lover
who also happens to be her
husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and
afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house,
she picks up the receiver.
Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her
side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm
so glad that you called. Really?
That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds
terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up
the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my
husband telling me all
about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip
A Woman's Trophy Of Divorce (S469)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/13/2006
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Even though I have never been
divorced, I suspect this is
accurate. You can view this animated GIF by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Husband Wants Morning Sex (S117)
From: RFSlick on 4/30/99
Joe woke up one morning and looked
for his wife, but his
wife wasn't there. She had awakened and was preparing
breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil
'the moment' by getting up, so he called his little boy
and sent this note to his wife:
THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.
The wife answered the note and
sent it back by the boy.
TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE
NO CIRCUS TODAY.
So he sent another note down. It read:
THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD
To which she replied:
I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND !
Subj: Husband Only Wants Sex In Dark (S228, S552b)
From: KMACINTY on 2/27/2001
and From: allenbergman on 8/16/2007
Alice was becoming frustrated
by her husband's insistence
that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his
inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate
night-only to find a cucumber in his hand.
"Is THIS", she asked, pointing
to the vegetable, "what you've
been using on me for the last 5 years?"
"Honey, let me explain..."
"Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed.
"You impotent son of a -"
"Speaking of sneaky," her husband
coolly interjected, "maybe
you'd like to explain our three kids."
Subj: Poem For Mom And Dads (S104)
From: auntieg on 99-01-18
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!
Subj: Definitions For Parents (S97)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #281 on 98-11-30
AMNESIA: Condition that enables
who has gone through labor, to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the
kids would care
to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing
your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the brink of financial
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result
when your baby doesn't
appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're angry with him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who
think your children are wonderful
even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our
children to be
as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: A small body of water
other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW-OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your
first baby's pacifier by
boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing
TOP BUNK: Where you should never
a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the
baby's face turns red and
she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
Marriage Notes (S584)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 3/13/2008
..........At: (Removed from buffalosjokes.com)
You can view this cute Sunday comic strip by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Strange Marriage Poem (S81, S422)
From: RFSlick on 98-08-12
Moved to 'Redneck Family Tree' in Redneck3.
Subj: How To Be A Good Wife?? (S289b)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #19 on 98-01-20
and From: mjsl on 8/13/2002
Ever check out some of the old
school text books our ancient
ancestors from the 1950s used to learn from?? Some of them
have some great stuff in them.
The following excerpt is not
exactly a joke, but it is a
good read. It comes from a 1950s New Zealand High School
Home Economics text book which aims at teaching young women
how to be good wives.
This is genuine, by the way;
I swear I haven't touched it.
Similar stuff can be found in most Western text books from
the era - check it out for yourself.
Oh, how the times have changed...
* Have dinner ready: Plan
ahead, even the night before, to
have a delicious meal on time for his return. This is a
way of letting him know you are thinking about him and are
concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they
get home and a prospect of a good meal (especially his
favourite dish) is a part of the warm welcome needed.
* Prepare yourself: Take
15 minutes to rest so you'll be
refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a
ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just
been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay
and a little more interesting for him. His boring day
may need a lift and it is one of your duties to provide it.
* Clear away the clutter:
Make one last trip through the
main part of the house just before your husband arrives,
and gather up the school books, toys, paper, etc. Then
run a dust cloth over the tables. In the cooler months
of the year, you should prepare and light a fire for him
to unwind by so your husband will feel he has reached a
haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with
immense personal satisfaction.
* Prepare the children:
Take a few moments to wash the
children's faces (if they are small), comb their hair and,
if necessary, change their clothing. They are his little
treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
* Minimise all noise: At
the time of his arrival,
eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer and vacuum. Try
to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see
* Greet him with a warm
smile and show sincerity in your
desire to please him.
* Listen to him: You may
have a dozen important things to
tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time.
Let him talk first, remember his topics of conversation
are more important than yours.
* Make the evening his:
Never complain if he comes home
late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment
without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain
and pressure and his very real needs to be home and relaxed.
Your goal is to try to make sure your home is a place of
peace, order, tranquillity, where your husband can revive
himself in body and spirit.
* Some don'ts: Don't
greet him with problems or complaints.
Don't complain if he is late for dinner, or even if he stays
out all night; count this as minor compared to what he might
have gone through that day. Don't ask him about his actions,
or question his judgement or integrity; remember, he is the
master of the house and will always exercise this with
fairness and truthfulness - you have no right to question him.
A good wife always knows her place!
* The Goal: Try to make
your home a place of peace and order
where your husband can relax.
Subj: Now The Updated Version For The '90s Woman.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #42 on 98-02-12
1. Have dinner ready:
Make reservations ahead of time.
If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice
mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at
what time. This lets him know that your day has been
crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself: A
quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter
on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and
will keep you from becoming irritated every time he
opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter:
Call the housekeeper and tell
her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by
the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the
4. Prepare the children:
Send the children to their rooms
to watch television or play nintendo.
5. Minimize the noise:
If you happen to be home when he
arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.
6. Some DON'TS: Don't
greet him with problems and
complaints. Let him speak first, and then your
complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in
his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's
late for dinner; simply remind him that the leftovers
are in the refrigerator and you left the dishes for him
7. Make him comfortable:
Tell him where he can find a
blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his:
Never complain if he does not take
you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; go
with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card).
10. The Goal: Try to keep
things amicable without reminding
him that he only thinks the world revolves around him.
Subj: New Parent Material
How do you advise non-parents
on how to get ready for
Preparation for parenthood is
not just a matter of reading
books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests
for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the
real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity,
put on a dressing gown
and stick a beanbag-chair down the front. Leave it there
for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity,
go to the local pharmacy,
tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell
the pharmacist to help himself.
Then go to the supermarket.
Arrange to have your salary
paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the
paper. Read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead
and have children, find a
couple who are already parents and berate them about their
methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low
tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children
to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve
their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table
manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it'll be the
last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
3. To discover how the nights
will feel, walk around the
living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing
approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set
the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12
and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till
1 AM. Go to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to
bed at 2:45 AM. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
Sing songs in the dark until 4 AM. Put the alarm on for 5am.
Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look
4. Can you stand the mess children
make? To find out,
first smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the
curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave
it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds
then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is
not as easy as it seems:
first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put
the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms
hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
6. Take an egg carton.
Using a pair of scissors and a pot
of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube.
Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a
Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping
pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an
exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You
have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy a
Taurus. And don't think you
can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining.
Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream
bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a
family size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down
the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the
8. Get ready to go out: wait
outside the toilet for half an
hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out.
Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path.
Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly
down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely
every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty
tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps.
Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the
neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back
into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking
a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket.
Take with you the nearest
thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown
goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one
child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries
without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily
accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon.
Make a small hole in the side.
Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and attempt to spoon it
into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest
into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the
floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
12. Learn the names of every
character from Postman Pat,
Fireman Sam and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you
find yourself singing "Postman Pat" at work, you finally
qualify as a parent.
Subj: The Game Of Romance: How To Keep Score (S40)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #229 on 97-10-22
Below are excerpts about how
guys can score points (or lose
them) from their gals from "The Game of Romance: How to Keep
Score" from Men's Health Magazine, November, 1996, p 110-115:
Note: Some things are just expected
of guys and therefore
have a score of zero.
You go out to buy her spring-fresh
with wings: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise
at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and its nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and its something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
Its her father: -10
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare at the television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the afternoon watching
college football in your
And you didn't even go to college: -10
And its not really your underwear: -15
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and its not a sports bar: +1
Okay, its a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
Its a sports bar. Its all-you-can-eat night. And your
face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and its a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and its not small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you'll paying off for months: +30
You wait til the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40
You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50
A Night Out With Your Pals
You have a few beers: -9
For every beer after three: -2, again
And miss curfew by an hour: -12
You get home at 3:00am: -20
You get home at 3:00am smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
And not wearing any pants: -40
Is that a tattoo? -200
A Night Out. Just The Two
You go see a comic: +2
He's crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She's not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25
You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town ? meet the locals up
close and personal: -25
She finds out that you lied about having a black belt: -60
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression: 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the
television or picking up a newspaper: +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10
[I've been married long enough
now to score in the negative
5 digits range. Helps take some of the pressure off to behave.]
Herman Sunday Comic Strip (S609b)
by Jim Unger on 9/7/2008
Herman and his wife discuss watching
TV and talking to
each other. Click 'HERE' to view this cute comic strip.
Subj: I Love Her, But... (S276b)
From: twistedhumor.com on 12/23/2000
(A collection of men's thoughts on their women.)
... she has an uncanny way of
standing between me and the
television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls.
The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is
her butt. -- Howard, Dodge City, Kan.
... she was furious when I got
up early once and made her
breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that
she would eat breakfast,let alone what she'd have?
-- Ted, Wexford, Pa.
... what's mine is hers.
I buy her negligees; she sleeps
in my T- shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks
to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors;
new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm
tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.
-- Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.
... she makes lists; Things to
buy, things to do, people
to call. If it's not on the list, it doesn't get done.
Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list. Mistake.
Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn't get done.
-- Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.
... you can hear her eat soup
from the next room.
-- Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.
... when she gets an idea in
her head, there's no stopping
her. And no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so
bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on
vacation. But when it's to build a new house, or to get
pregnant, things get pretty intense.
-- Jim, Minneapolis
... my wife thinks everyone should
be a vegetarian. During
meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if
they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than
their dogs. -- Miles, Shreveport, La.
... every so often boom!
Shes a brunette. Or I come home
to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural
color is. -- Cary, Seattle
... she'll brush her teeth but
she won't go to the dentist.
She says she's not afraid of the pain; she just doesn't
want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd
choose to be a dentist. -- Terence, Gary, Ind.
... Shes stopped shaving her
legs. She says that now
people will know she's a natural blonde.
-- Ned, Tucson, Ariz.
... she takes her half of the
bed out of the middle.
-- Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.
... have you ever seen a woman
with green crust and slime
smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do
you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that
creature is next to you? -- Arthur, Cedar City, Utah
... my wife's allergic to everything.
Her nose is
chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd
suffocate. -- Bryan, Toledo, Ohio
... after sex, I mean the second
after, she continues
where she left off. Her eyes open and before you can
breathe, you hear,"... and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost
the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up her
dry cleaning..." -- Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.
... in bed I'm her high school
teacher, captain of the
football team, her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a
lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop. Once in a
while I'd like to be me. -- Neil, Orlando, Fla.
... she wears these false eyelashes.
She left 'em
lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper,
tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death.
-- Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.
... she takes those soaps too
seriously. I'll come home
and find her in tears because some character died. Or
upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair.
-- Archie, St. Louis
... she will not shop at discount
stores or sales. She
thinks they're crowded and plebeian. She doesn't even
look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts
for my mother. -- Conrad, Wilmington, Del.
... it annoys her that our children
look like me.
-- James, New Orleans
... counting my wife and our
teenage girls, that's four
women. Somebody's always got PMS. -- Everett, Little Rock, Ark.
... with five kids, I don't have
time to complain about my
wife. I don't have time to notice her.
-- Bob, Charleston, W.Va.
Subj: Mummy, Mummy Jokes (S276c)
Mummy, mummy, why do I walk in
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
Mummy, mummy, Daddy's going out
Shut up and pour some more gasoline on him.
Mummy mummy, what's a lesbian?
Shut up and ask daddy when she comes home.
Mummy mummy, why is daddy hanging
upside down in the garage?
Shut up and drink your soup before it clots.
Mommy. mummy, why are we having
spaghetti again today?
Shut up or I'll pull the veins in your other arm, too!
Mummy, mummy, why is Daddy running
Shut up and reload.
Mummy, mummy, can I lick the
Shut up and flush it like the rest of us do.
Mummy, mummy, can I play with
Shut up and leave that coffin alone.
Mummy, mummy, are you sure this
is the way to make meat pie?
Shut up and get back in the oven.
Mummy, mummy, I hate my sister's
Shut up and eat what's on the table!
Daddy, daddy, why's Mom running
to and fro out in the garden?
Shut up and hand me another shell!
Daddy, daddy, what's a homosexual?
Shut up and keep sucking.
Subj: Marriage Quotes (S204)
"Only two things are necessary
to keep one's wife happy. One
is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other
is to let her have it."
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
For me the one thing more
natural than breathing is loving
my wife. -- Jerome Davis, a deejay for KRCC (91.5 FM),
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #256 on 98-06-26
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an
institution." -- Mae West
"Love: a temporary insanity,
curable by marriage."
-- Ambrose Bierce
"Instead of getting married again,
I'm going to find a woman
I don't like and give her a house." -- Lewis Grizzard
"Last time I tried to make love
to my wife nothing happened,
so I said to her, "What's the matter, you can't think of
anybody either?" -- Rodney Dangerfield
From: humorlist-digest V2 #281 on 98-11-30
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and
the second half by our children." -- Clarence Darrow,
American lawyer and reformer.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #297 on98-12-18
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine
marriage and a career. -- Gloria Steinhem
Sometimes I wonder if men and
women really suit each other.
Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and
then. -- Katherine Hepburn
I never married because there
was no need. I have three
pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband.
I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which
swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at
night. -- Marie Corelli
From: RFSlick on 98-12-06
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut
afterwards. -- Benjamin Franklin
From: RFSlick on 98-12-07
Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal
partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand
of bridge. -- Bill Cosby
From: pns on 12/30/2000
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for
twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her
husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should
have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
I bought my wife a new car. She
called and said, "There
was water in the carburettor." I asked her , "Where's the
car?" She replied, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up
-- Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage
remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman
From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366
By all means marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
When a man steals your wife,
there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her.
My girlfriend told me I should
be more affectionate. So I
got myself two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was
stolen but he decided not
to report it since the thief was spending much less than
his wife did.
Getting married is very much
like going to a restaurant with
friends. You order what you want, then when you see what
the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost
to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that
in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man placed an ad in the classifieds:
"Wife wanted." The
next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the
same : "You can have mine."
A woman was telling her friend,
"I made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?"
asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied.
A man, upon his engagement, went
to his father and said,
"Dad! I've found a woman just like mother" His father
replied, "So what do you want? Sympathy?"
Eighty percent of married men
cheat in America. The rest
cheat in Europe.
I married Miss Right. I just
didn't know her first name
Losing a wife can be very hard.
In my case, it was almost
A man was complaining to a friend:
"I had it all - money,
a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful
woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!". "What happened?"
asked his friend. "My wife found out..."
Just think, if it weren't for
marriage, men would go through
life thinking they had no faults at all.
A successful man is one who makes
more money than his wife
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A man meets a genie. The genie
tells him he can ask for
whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of
what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay,
give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
Men who have pierced ears are
better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get
your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember
your wife's birthday is
to forget it once.
Words to live by: Do not argue
with a spouse who is packing
First guy (proudly): "My wife's
an angel!" Second guy:
"You're lucky, mine's still alive.