Subj: Marriage6 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 66 jokes and articles)
>>>
Mom At Home
from
Degsworld
| >>>
Subj: Marriage6 Jokes (Gz) (Includes 66 jokes and articles) >>> |
|
Mom At Home from Degsworld |
Marriage1 and 2 file equally involve
both in the joke.
Marriage3 file has jokes that usually
only involve one partner.
Marriage4 contains jokes and oddities
Marriage5 and 6 contains short jokes
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Subj: High
School Reunion (S590c)
From: ginafm on 5/4/2008
My wife and I were sitting at
a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring
at a drunken lady swigging
her drink as she sat alone at
a nearby table.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's
my old girlfriend. I understand
she took to drinking right
after we split up those many
years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who
would think a person could go
on celebrating that long?"
So, you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.
\\\//
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Subj: Rekindling
A Relationship (S588b)
From: darrellvip on 4/20/2008
Three women: one engaged, one
married, and one a mistress,
are chatting about their relationships
and decide to amaze
their men.... that night all
three will wear a leather
bodice S&M style, stilettos
and mask over their eyes
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said:
'The other night, when my
boyfriend came back home, he
found me in the leather bodice,
4" stilettos and mask.
He said, 'You are the woman of my
life, I love you...then we made
love all night long.'
The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes!
The other night we met in
his office. I was wearing
the leather bodice, mega stilettos,
mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat,
he didn't say a word.
We just had wild sex all night.'
The married one then said: 'The
other night I sent the kids
to stay at my mother's for the
night, I got myself ready,
leather bodice, super stilettos
and mask over my eyes.
My husband came in from work,
grabbed the TV controller and
a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman,
what's for dinner?'
\\\//
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Subj: Worry
(S574c)
From: tom on 1/12/2008
Is there a magic cutoff period
when offspring become
accountable for their own actions?
Is there a wonderful
moment when parents can become
detached spectators in
the lives of their children
an d shrug, 'It's their life,'
and feel nothing?
When I was in my twenties, I
stood in a hospital corridor
waiting for doctors to put a
few stitches in my daughter's
head. I asked, 'When do
you stop worrying?' The nurse
said, 'When they get out of
the accident stage.' My dad
just smiled faintly and said
nothing.
When I was in my thirties, I
sat on a little chair in a
classroom and heard how one
of my children talked incessantly,
disrupted the class, and was
headed for a career making
license plates. As if
to read my mind, a teacher said,
'Don't worry, they all go through
this stage and then you
can sit back, relax and enjoy
them.
My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my forties, I spent
a lifetime w2aiting for
the phone to ring, the cars
to come home, the front door to
open. A friend said, 'They're
trying to find themselves.
Don't worry, in a few years,
you can stop worrying. They
will be adults.' My dad
just smiled faintly and said nothing.
By the time I was 50, I was sick
& tired of being vulnerable.
I was still worrying over my
children, but there was a new
wrinkle. There was nothing
I could do about it. My dad just
smiled faintly and said nothing.
I continued to anguish over
their failures, be tormented
by their frustrat ions and
absorbed in their disappointments.
My friends said that when my
kids got married I could stop
worrying and lead my own life.
I wanted to believe that,
but I was haunted by my dad's
warm smile and his occasional,
'You look pale. Are you
all right? Call me the minute you
get home. Are you depressed
about something?'
Can it be that parents are sentenced
to a lifetime of
worry? Is concern for
one another handed down like a torch
to blaze the trail of human
frailties and the fears of the
unknown? Is concern a
curse or is it a virtue that elevates
us to the highest form of life?
One of my children became quite
irritable recently, saying
to me, 'Where were you? I've
been calling for 3 days, and
no one answered I was worried.'
I smiled a warm smile.
The torch has been passed.
PASS IT ON TO OTHER WONDERFUL
PARENTS
(And also to your children.
That's the fun part)
\\\//
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Subj: The
Broken Mower (S561)
From: SCOTCOB on 10/16/2007
When our lawn mower broke and
wouldn't run, my wife kept
hinting to me that I should
get it fixed. But, somehow I
always had something else to
take care of first, the truck,
the car, playing golf - always
something more important to
me.
Finally she thought of a clever
way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found
her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short
time and then went into the
house. I was gone only
a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting
the grass, you might as well
sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again,
but I will always have a
limp.
Moral of this story:
Marriage is a relationship in
which one person is usually
right and makes good decisions
and the other is the husband.
\\\//
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Subj: Homeowner
Does Yard Work (S538b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/20/2007
The homeowner got into his grubbiest
clothes on Saturday
morning and set about all the
chores he'd been putting
off for weeks.
He'd cleaned the garage, pruned
the hedge, and was halfway
through mowing the lawn when
a woman pulled up in the
driveway and yelled out her
window, "Say, what do you get
for yard work?"
The fellow thought for a minute,
then answered, "The lady
who lives here lets me sleep
with her."
\\\//
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Subj: Wife
Comes Home To A Clean House (S513b)
From: darrell94590 on 11/20/2006
Housework was woman's work, but
one evening, Jenny arrived
home from work to find the children
bathed, one load of
clothes in the washer and another
in the dryer. Dinner was
on the stove, and the table
set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read
an article that said wives
who worked full-time and had
to do their own housework were
too tired to have sex.
The night went well and the next
day, she told her office
friends all about it.
"We had a great dinner.
Ralph even cleaned up. He helped
the kids do their homework,
folded all the laundry and put
everything away. I really
enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?", asked her friends.
"Oh, that was perfect too. Ralph was too tired..."
\\\//
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Subj: Husband
Prays To God (S499)
From: catlynnbray on 8/14/2006
A man was sick and tired of going
to work every day while
his wife stayed home. He wanted
her to see what he went
through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every
day and put in 8 hours while
my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go
through, so please allow her
body to switch with mine for
a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom,
granted the man's wish. The
next morning, sure enough, the
man awoke as a woman. He
arose, cooked breakfast for
his mate, awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
fed them breakfast, packed
their lunches, drove them to
school, came home and picked
up the dry cleaning, took it
to the cleaners. And stopped
at the bank to make a deposit,
went grocery shopping. Then
drove home to put away the groceries,
paid the bills and
balanced the checkbook.
He cleaned the cat's litter box
and bathed the dog. Then
it was already 1 P.M. and he
hurried to make the beds, do
the laundry, vacuum, dust, and
sweep and mop the kitchen
floor. Ran to the school
to pick up the kids and got into
an argument with them
on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and
got the kids organized to do
their homework, then set up
the ironing board and watched
TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes
and washing vegetables
for salad, breaded the pork
chops and snapped fresh beans
for supper. After supper,
he cleaned the kitchen, ran the
dishwasher, folded laundry,
bathed the kids, and put them
to bed. At 9 P.M. he was
exhausted and, though his daily
chores weren't finished, he
went to bed where he was expected
to make love, which he managed
to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and
immediately knelt by the bed
and said, "Lord,I don't know
what I was thinking. I was so
wrong to envy my wife’s being
able to stay home all day.
Please, oh please, let us trade
back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom,
replied, "My son, I feel
you have learned your lesson
and I will be happy to change
things back to the way they
were. You'll just have to wait
nine months, though. You got
pregnant last night."
\\\//
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Subj: Marriage
Vs Divorce (S498c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 8/7/2006
Why she married him - he was
such a "strong man"
Why she divorced him - he was
such a "dominating male."
Why he married her - she was
so "fragile and petite."
Why he divorced her - she was
so "weak and helpless."
Why she married him - "he knows
how to provide
a good living."
Why she divorced him - "all
he thinks about is business."
Why she married him - he was
"happy and romantic."
Why she divorced him - he was
"shiftless and fun-loving."
Why she married him - he was
"the life of the party."
Why she divorced him- "He never
wants to come
home from a party."
Why he married her - she was
"steady and sensible."
Why he divorced her - she was
"boring and dull."
\\\//
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Subj: Cigarettes
And Tampons (S395)
From: DoctorDebt on 8/18/2004
A man walks into a pharmacy and
wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and
asks him if she can help him. He
answers that he is looking for
a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later,
he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on
the counter. She says, confused,
"Sir, I thought you were looking
for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like
this. Yesterday, I sent my wife
to the store to get me a carton
of cigarettes, and she came back
with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's soooo
much cheaper. So, I figure
if I have to roll my own, so does she.
\\\//
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Subj: The
Dangers of Divorcing A Cunning Wife (S373, S596c)
From: DoctorDebt on 3/22/2004
and
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/15/2008
After 17 years of marriage, a
man dumped his wife for a
younger woman. He wanted
to continue living in their
downtown luxury apartment with
his new lover so he asked
his wife to move out and get
another place. His wife
agreed to this, provided that
he would give her 3 days
alone at the apartment to pack
up her things.
She spent the first day packing
her belongings into boxes,
crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers
come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down
for the last time at their beautiful
dining table by candle-
light, put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a
pound of shrimp and a bottle
of Chardonnay. When she had
finished, she went into each
room and deposited a few of the
half-eaten shrimp shells into
the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen
and left. When the husband
returned with his new girlfriend,
all was bliss for the first
few days. Then slowly
the apartment began to smell. They
tried everything; cleaning and
mopping and airing the place
out. Vents were checked for
dead rodents, carpets were steam
cleaned. Air fresheners were
hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in
to set off gas canisters,
during which they had to move
out for a few days, and in the
end they even paid to replace
the expensive carpet. Finally,
they could not take it any longer
and decided to move. They
could not find a buyer for their
stinky apartment! So they
had to borrow a huge sum of
money from the bank to purchase
a new place. The moving
company arrived and did a very
professional packing job, taking
everything to their new
home...including the curtain
rods.
\\\//
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Subj: Marty
Wakes Up With Hangover (S384)
From: jbcary1 on 6/7/2004
Marty wakes up at home with a
huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and
the first thing he sees is
a couple of aspirins and a glass
of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing
in front of him, all
clean and pressed.
Marty looks around the room and
sees that it is in perfect
order, spotless, clean.
So is the rest of the house. He
takes the aspirins and notices
a note on the table "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I
left early to go shopping.
Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and
sure enough there is a hot
breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at
the table, eating. Marty asks,
"Son, what happened last
night?"
His son says, "Well, you came
home after 3 A.M., drunk
and delirious. Broke some
furniture, puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye
when you stumbled into the
door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why
is everything in order and
so clean, and breakfast is on
the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that!
Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your
pants off, you said, "Lady,
leave me alone, I'm married!"
A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - priceless
\\\//
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Subj: Husband
Comes Home Drunk Every Night From The Bar (S366)
From: thebartend on 12/29/2003
Every night after dinner, Harry
took off for the local
watering hole. He would
spend the whole evening there
and always arrive home, well
inebriated, around midnight
each night.
He usually had trouble getting
his key to fit the keyhole
and couldn't get the door open.
And, every time this
happened, his wife would go
to the door and let him in.
Then, she would proceed to yell
and scream at him for his
constant nights out and coming
home in a drunken state.
But, Harry still continued his
nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife
was talking to a friend about
her husband's behavior.
The friend listened and suggested,
"Why don't you treat him a little
differently when he comes
home? Instead of berating
him, why don't you give him some
loving words and welcome him
home with a kiss? Then, he
might change his ways." The
wife thought this might be a
good idea.
That night, Harry took off again
after dinner. And, at
about midnight, he arrived home
in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door.
She quickly opened it and
let Harry in. Instead
of berating him as she had always
done, this time she took his
arm and led him into the living
room. She sat Harry down
in an easy chair, put his feet up
on the foot stool, and took
his shoes off. Then, she went
behind him and started to cuddle
him a little. After a
short while, she whispered to
Harry, "It's pretty late,
dear. I think we should
go upstairs to bed now, don't you
think?"
Harry replied in his inebriated
state, "Heck, I guess we
might as well. I'll get
in trouble when I get home anyway!"
\\\//
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Subj: Matt
Gets Part In School Play (S312b)
From: RFSlick on 1/19/2003
Matt's dad picked him up from
school to take him to a
dental appointment. Knowing
the parts for the school
play were supposed to be posted
today, he asked his son
if he got a part.
Matt enthusiastically announced
that he'd gotten a part.
"I play a man who's been married
for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep
up the good work and before
you know it they'll be giving
you a speaking part."
\\\//
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Subj: Husband
And Wife Complain (S307b, S517c)
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/18/2002
One day a husband and wife were
in the bathroom. The wife
was getting out of the shower
and the husband grabs her
boobs and says "If these were
firmer you wouldn't need
a bra."
The wife was repulsed by his behavior and ignores him.
The next week the two are again
in the bathroom and while
the wife was getting out of
the shower he grabs her ass and
says "If your ass was firmer
you wouldn't need a girdle."
The wife is now pissed and is ploting her revenge.
One day a week later the husband
is getting out of the
shower and the wife grabs his
dick and says "If this was a
little bit bigger I wouldn't
need your brother."
\\\//
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Subj: Mother-In-Law
Dies In Jerusalem (S298b, S468b)
From: flovilla on 10/13/2002
and
From: DoctorDebt on 1/9/2006
George went on a vacation to
the Middle East with most
of his family including his
mother-in-law. During their
vacation and while they were
visiting Jerusalem, George's
mother-in-law died. With
the death certificate in hand,
George went to the American
Consulate Office to make
arrangements to send the body
back to the States for proper
burial.
The Counsul, after hearing of
the death of the mother-in-law,
told George that the sending
of a body back to the States for
burial is very very expensive.
It could cost as much as
$10,000.00. The Consul
continues, in most cases the person
responsibile for the remains
normally decides to bury the
body here. This would
only cost $500.00 "
George thinks for some time and
answers, "I don't care how
much it will cost to send the
body back, that's what I want
to do." The Consul, after
hearing this says, "You must have
loved your mother-in-law very
much considering the difference
in price."
"No, it's not that" says George,
"You see, I know of a case
many years ago of a person that
was buried here in Jerusalem.
On the third day he arose from
the dead! I just can't take
that chance!!
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Marriage Jokes
| Subj:
Marriage Before And After (S587)
From: tom on 4/19/2008 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Free To Good Home (S587b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/16/2008 |
Top
Subj: The
Wrong And Right Of Marriage (S553c)
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/21/2007
A husband and wife were involved
in a petty argument, both
of them unwilling to admit they
might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife
told her husband in a
conciliatory attempt, "if you'll
admit I'm right."
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm wrong," she said.
With a twinkle in his eye, he
responded, "You're right!"
| Subj:
Marriage's Bedroom Battle (S548b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 7/17/2007 |
 |
 |
Subj:
What To Wear (S547b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 5/14/2007 |
Top
Subj: Foreplay
After Marriage (S532)
From: jbcary1 on 4/1/2007
A husband and wife are in bed
together. She feels his
hand rubbing against her shoulder.
"Oh honey, that
feels good.", she says.
His hand moves to her back, "Gee,
honey, that feels
wonderful.", she says.
His hand moves to her leg.
"Oh, honey, don't stop."
she begs. But he stops.................
"Why did you stop?" she cries ???
"I found the remote..."
Top
Subj: Anger
Management (S523b)
From: darrell94590 on 1/23/2007
Husband ... " When I get mad
at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger ? "
Wife ... " I clean the toilet
bowl ! "
Husband ... " How does that
help ? "
Wife ... " I use your toothbrush
! "
Top
Subj: Kitchen
Sex (S480)
From: thebartend on 3/29/2006
(See 'Kinds Of Sex
In Marriage' in Marriage6)
One day a wife was in the kitchen
making boiled eggs for
breakfast and her husband walked
in. "What's for breakfast"
he asks?
His wife turns and says, "You
have to make love to me this
very moment"
Thinking it was his lucky day,
he puts her over the kitchen
table and goes to town. Afterwards
when she is pulling the
eggs out of the water he says,
"What was that all about?"
She just looks over her shoulder
and says; "Oh, not much...
The egg timer is broken"
| Subj:
Ex-Wife (S478c)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 3/15/2006 |
 |
Top
Subj: Definition
of Guts And Balls (S466b)
From: DoctorDebt on 12/24/2005
We've all heard about people
having guts or balls. But do
you really know the difference
between them? In an effort
to keep you informed, the definition
for each is listed below.
GUTS - is arriving home late
after a night out with the guys,
being assaulted by your wife
with a broom, and having the
guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying
somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after
a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the ass and having
the balls to say: "You're next."
Top
Subj: Swapping
Position (S443b)
From: DoctorDebt on 7/17/2005
He said - Shall we try swapping
positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea...
you stand by the ironing
board...while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Top
Subj: Wife
Cooks Socks (S440)
From: LabLaughs.com on 7/3/2005
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_jokes.php?id=20050627
A man gets up one morning to
find his wife already in the
kitchen cooking. He looks
to see what she's cooking, and
sees one of his socks in the
frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me
to do last night when you came
to bed very drunk," she replied
Completely puzzled, the man walks
away thinking to himself,
"I don't remember asking her
to cook my sock..."
Top
Subj: The
Wife And Bondage (S427)
From: drgolfmd on 3/22/2005
The other day I came home and
was greeted by my wife,
dressed only in very sexy underwear
and holding a couple
of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went golfing.
Top
Subj: Kissing
Daddy Good-Bye (S407)
From: DafterLafter on 11/4/2004
"Dad," a teenaged girl says,
running into her father's
den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye
before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your
mother just did that two
minutes ago, and I don't have
any cash left on me."
Top
Subj: True
Bravery (S401b)
From: Imogenelumen on 6/24/2004
True bravery is arriving home
late after a boy's night out,
being assaulted by your wife
with a broom, and still having
the guts to ask: Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying
somewhere?
Top
Subj: Husband
Names Wife's Favorite Flower (S356b)
From: thebartend on 11/25/2003
While attending a marriage seminar
on communication, Jim
and his wife listened to the
instructor declare: "It is
essential that husbands and
wives know the things that
are important to each other."
He addressed the men: "For instance,
gentlemen, can you
name your wife's favorite flower?"
Jim leaned over, touched his
wife's arm gently and whispered,
"Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't
it?"
The rest of the story is not
pleasant.
Top
Subj: Why
A Wife Was Beautiful ? Stupid (S355)
From: DoctorDebt on 11/15/2003
A man said to his wife one day,
"I don't know how you can
be so stupid and so beautiful
all at the same time." The
wife responded, "Allow me to
explain it to you. God made
me beautiful so you would be
attracted to me; God made me
stupid so I would be attracted
to you!"
Top
Subj: Marriage
Vs Free Milk (S353)
From: gheckman on 11/6/2003
For all those men who believe
that there's no reason to
buy the cow when you can get
the milk for free, you may
want to keep the following in
mind... Nowadays, 80% of
women are against marriage,
as they have wised up to the
fact that for 6 ounces of sausage
it's not worth buying
the entire pig.
Top
Subj: Old
Man Visits Warlock (S332b)
From: igiggle on 6/7/2003
An old man goes to a warlock
to ask him if he can remove
a curse he has been living with
for the last forty years.
The warlock says, "Maybe, but
first you will have to tell
me the exact words that were
used to put this curse on you."
Without hesitation, the old man
says, " I now pronounce
you man and wife."
Top
Subj: Guys
Discuss Premarital Sex (S331b, S514c)
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/2/2003
and
From: cappucinid on 11/27/2006
(See 'Two
Rednecks Discuss Infidelity' in Redneck-Supp)
Ron and his new friend Arty
were having a drink together,
and were talking about their
respective married lives.
I had sex with my wife before
we were married," said Don,
"did you?" "Gee, I don't know,"
answered Arty. "What was
your wife's maiden name?"
Top
Subj: 'Why
Did You Marry Me?' (S328b)
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/7/2003
During a friendly argument,
my husband asked me why
I married him in the first place.
"I was just stupid,"
I teased. When he said he was
happy to hear that,
I requested an explanation.
"People get divorced all the
time because they fall out
of love," he said. "But I've
never heard of anybody
falling out of stupid."
Top
Subj: Wife
Goes To Beauty Parlor (S326)
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 4/28/2003
My wife seems to be losing her
sense of humor for no
apparent reason. Just
the other day she got mad when
she announced that she was going
to the beauty parlor.
I asked, "Are you going in for
an estimate, or are
you going to get the work done?"
Top
Subj: Maud's
Three Marriages (S324b)
From: igiggle on 4/14/2003
Sara was telling Jacob about
her girl friend's
marriages. "Yes," Sara
said, "my friend Maud is only
twenty-five, but she's been
married three times. And
all her husbands have been named
William."
"You don't say!" Jacob replied.
"Well, she must be a
regular Bill collector!"
Top
Subj: Messy
Housekeeping (S323b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/6/2003
My mom is a less than fastidious
housekeeper.
One evening my dad returned home
from work, walked
into the kitchen and teased
her, "You know, dear, I
can write my name in the dust
on the mantel."
Mom turned to him and sweetly
replied, "Yes, darling,
I know. That's why I married
a college graduate."
Top
Subj: Man
Sees Magic Show (S309b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/1/2003
During a recent vacation in
Las Vegas, a man went to see a
popular magic show. After one
especially amazing feat, a man
from the back of the theater
yelled, "How'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the
magician answered, " But then
I'd have to kill you." After
a short pause, the man yelled
back, "Ok, then. Just tell my
wife!"
Top
Subj: Wife's
Nick Name Is Crisco (S304)
From: coreymac on 11/26/2002
There was an old guy wandering
around the supermarket
calling out "Crisco, Crii-iiiiiscoooo!"
Soon a store clerk approached.
"Sir, the Crisco is in
aisle D."
The old gentleman replied, "Oh,
I'm not looking for
the cooking stuff, I'm calling
my wife."
"Your wife's name is Crisco?"
The old man answered, "Oh, no,
no, no. I only call her
that when we're out in public."
"Well, what do you call her when you are at home?"
"Lard ass."
Top
Subj: Mood
Ring (S297)
From: KMACINTY on 10/10/2002
My husband bought me a mood
ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood it turns
green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves
a red mark on his forehead.
Top
Subj: Two
Drunks At A Bar w/Ice Cubes (S295)
From: dogbyte on 9/27/2002
Two drunks are in a tavern sitting
at the bar, staring
into their drinks. One
gets a curious look on his face
and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever
seen an ice cube with a
hole in it before?"
"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years!"
Top
Subj: Wife
Has A Headache (S294b)
From: coreymac on 9/10/2002
(See 'Husband
Brings Wife Two Asprin' in MARRIAGE5)
A husband emerged from the bathroom
naked and was climbing
into bed when his wife complained,
as usual, "I have a
headache."
"Perfect," her husband said.
"I was just in the bathroom
powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally,
or as a suppository, it's up
to you."
Top
Subj: Secrets
To A Happy Marriage (S288)
From: pns on 8/1/2002
1. It is important to find a
woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet
From: gordonschuk on 1/7/2007 (S520b)
Two secrets to keep your marriage
brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit
it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut
up.
--
Nash
From: dogbyte on 9/27/2002 (S295b)
I asked my wife where she wanted
to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So,.... I suggested the kitchen!
From: dogbyte on 10/7/2002 (S297b)
If marriage were outlawed, then
only outlaws would have inlaws.
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/16/2002 (S308b)
Marriage is a rest period between
romances.
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/16/2002 (S308b)
In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the
woman listens. In the
second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens. In
the third year, they both
speak and the neighbors listen.
From: giggle on 4/19/2003 (S325b)
40% of U.S. couples say they
first discussed marriage
in the back seat of a car.
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/8/2003 (S322)
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly
you're in bed
with a relative.
From: igiggle on 6/12/2003 (S335b)
The man who gives in when he
is wrong is wise.
The man who gives in when he
is right is married.
From: Imogenelumen on 7/24/2003 (S339b)
If a man has enough "horse sense"
to treat his wife
like a thoroughbred, she will
never be an old nag.
From: igiggle on 8/2/2003 (S341b)
Brian: My wife doesn't
understand me; does yours?
Don: I don't think so,
I've never heard her mention
your name.
From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
My wife is a sex object.
Every time I ask for sex, she
objects. -- Les Dawson
From: Anonymous Jr on July 5,2004 (S388b)
Marriage is the process of finding
out what kind of man
your wife would have preferred.
From: LABLaughsClean on 8/6/2004 (S393b
- love)
Love is grand, divorce is a
hundred grand
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 8/16/2005
(S446b - quotes-comed-supp)
"If you ever start feeling like
you have the goofiest,
craziest, most dysfunctional
family in the world, all
you have to do is go to a state
fair. Because five
minutes at the fair, you'll
be going, 'you know, we're
alright. We are dang near royalty."
-- Jeff Foxworthy
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 12/16/2005
(S465b)
"It's a funny thing that when
a man hasn't anything on
earth to worry about, he goes
off and gets married."
-- Robert Frost
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 4/5/2006
(S480b - women3)
"An archaeologist is the best
husband a woman can have;
the older she gets the more
interested he is in her."
-- Agatha Christie
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 4/5/2006
(S501b)
"You are only as happy as your
unhappiest child."
-- unknown
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 11/6/2006
(S512b)
"In life, it's not who you know
that's important,
it's how your wife found out."
-- Joey Adams
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 3/11/2007
(S529b)
I’ve learned that love is blind
until you say, “I DO”.
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/26/2004
(S410b - funeral)
Q: What did the wife say when
her husband announced
that he was going
to become a necrophiliac?
A: "Over my dead body"
From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/4/2005 (S414b)
Q: What's long and hard for
a man?
A: Marriage
From: Anonymous Junior on 11/3/2007
(S563b)
Q: What is the difference between
in-laws and outlaws?
A: Outlaws are Wanted.
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