men1

>>>
Subj: Men1 Jokes (Gz2)
(Includes 30 jokes and articles)

Man's Evolution from
Millanimations

The MEN1 file contains men jokes.
The MEN2 and 3 file contains tests and silly stuff.
The MEN4 file contains Quotes, one-liners, short jokes, and Q/A.
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Subj:     Several Movies of Men Having Accidents
          From: darrell94590
          on 4/11/2006 (S481 in Accidents2)

You can view these home movies of men being dumb on my web site
by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj:     Father's Day Tribute (S181b, S593c)
          From: mbucher on 6/16/2002

Paul Harvey's Annual Father's Day Tribute

A father is a thing that is forced to endure childbirth
without an anesthetic. A father never feels entirely
worthy of the worship in a child's eyes. He's never
quite the hero his daughter thinks he is, never quite
the man his son believes him to be -- and this worries
him, sometimes.

So he works too hard to try to smooth the rough places
in the road for those of his own who will follow him.
A father is a thing that gets very angry when school
grades aren't as good as he thinks they should be. He
scolds his son though he knows it's the teacher's fault.

Fathers give daughters away to other men who aren't
nearly good enough so they can have grandchildren who
are smarter than anybody's.

Fathers make bets with insurance companies about who
will live the longest. Though they know the odds, they
keep right on betting. And one day they lose.

I don't know where a father goes when he dies. But I've
an idea that after a good rest, wherever it is, he won't
be happy unless there's work to do.

He won't just sit on a cloud and wait for the girl he's
loved and the children she bore. He'll be busy there,
too, repairing the stairs, oiling the gates, improving
the streets, smoothing the way.

-Paul Harvey

Subj: An addendum Father's Day Tribute
From: mbucher on 6/17/2002

A father gets under their kids car to right the wrongs,
that have been caused by their kids. He then scolds
them for abusing their cars, curses as he is doing the
repairs..........all the time thinking that he is so
happy, that his loved one has been spared serious injuries!

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Subj:     The Perfect Man (S131b, DU)
          From: KMacinty on 8/6/99

The Perfect Man is gentle,
Never cruel or mean.
He has a beautiful smile
And Keeps his face so clean.

The Perfect Man likes children
And will raise them by your side.
He will be a good father
And a good husband to his bride.

The Perfect Man loves cooking,
Cleaning and vacuuming, too.
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his love to you.

The Perfect Man is sweet,
Writing poetry from your name.
He's a best friend to your mother,
And kisses away your pain.

He never has made you cry,
Or hurt you in any way.
Oh, to hell with this endless poem?
The Perfect Man is gay.

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Subj:     In Honor of Fathers: (S125)
..........From: smiles on 6/19/99

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. It
don't make no difference to me. I'll just make another one
like you." -- Bill Cosby on what his father used to tell him.

"Dad told all the boys to get laid as often as possible."
-- John F. Kennedy

"Beware of couples who hold hands. They hold hands because
they're afraid if they let go they'll kill each other."
-- Arthur Marx, on what his father, Groucho Marx, used to tell him.

"When Charlie was there, my dad would sit him on one knee and me
on the other and he'd put his hand on both our necks, and when
he'd squeeze my neck, I'd move my mouth, and when he squeezed
Charlie's neck, he'd move his. As Charlie and I yammered away
at each other across my father, mouths flapping soundlessly,
behind us, smiling politely, sat my dad, happily speaking for
both of us." -- Candice Bergen, on her father Edgar Bergen

"My father used to say there are two kinds of people: those who
stop at an accident and those who drive by. He was the kind who
would help." -- Marlo Thomas on her father Danny Thomas

My Father

When I was:
Four years old: My daddy can do anything.
Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.
Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.
Eight years old: My dad doesn't know exactly everything.
Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up,
     things were sure different.
Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn't know
     anything about that. He is too old to remember his
     childhood.
Fourteen years old: Don't pay any attention to my dad. He
     is so old-fashioned.
Twenty-one years old: Him? My Lord, he's hopelessly
     out of date.
Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he
     should, because he has been around so long.
Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks.
     After all, he's had a lot of experience.
Thirty-five years old: I'm not doing a single thing until
     I talk to Dad.
Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled it.
     He was so wise.
Fifty years old: I'd give anything if Dad were here now
     so I could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn't
     appreciate how smart he was. I could have learned a
     lot from him.

From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 6/10/2007 (S543b)
"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most
is soap-on-a-rope." -- Bill Cosby

From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 6/13/2007 (S544b)
Dad always said, "Never get pressured or rushed into any
decision, especially a financial one, unless you sleep
on it. If you need to give an immediate answer, it's
probably not the right thing to do anyway." He said,
"Never rush into hasty decisions. Always think it over
for at least 24 hours." This has always proven to be
true no matter what I apply it to.

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Subj:     Every Guy Needs One (S561)
          From: edapsmas on 10/16/2007
.

Every guy with an ounce of testosterone in his system
must have one of these! Click 'HERE' to view.

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Subj:     When God Made Fathers (S125, DU)
          Author: Erma Bombeck
          From: smiles on 6/20/99

When the good Lord was creating Fathers, he started with
a tall frame.

A female angel nearby said, "What kind of a Father is that?
If you're going to make children so close to the ground,
why have you put the Father up so high? He won't be able
to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed
without bending, or even kiss a child without stooping"

God smiled and said, "Yes, but if I make him child size,
who would children have to look up to?"

And when God made a Father's hands, they were large. The
angel shook her head and said,"Large hands can't manage
diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on pony tails, or
even remove splinters caused from baseball bats."

Again God smiled and said, "I know, but they're large
enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his
pockets, yet small enough to cup a child's face in them."

Then God molded long slim legs and broad shoulders, "Do
you realize you just made a Father without a lap?" The
angel chuckled.

God said, "A Mother needs a lap. A Father needs strong
shoulders to pull a sled, to balance a boy on a bicycle,
or to hold a sleepy head on the way home from the circus."

When God was in the middle of creating the biggest feet
any one had ever seen, the angel could not contain herself
any longer. "That's not fair. Do you honestly think those
feet are going to get out of bed early in the morning when
the baby cries, or walk through a birthday party without
crushing one or two of the guests?"

God again smiled and said, "They will work. You will see.
They will support a small child who wants to ride to
Branbury Cross or scare mice away from a summer cabin, or
display shoes that will be a challenge to fill." God
worked throughout the night, giving the Father few words,
but a firm authoritative voice; eyes that see everything,
but remain calm and tolerant.

Finally, almost as an after thought, He added tears. Then
he turned to the angel and said, "Now are you satisfied he
can love as much as a Mother can?"

The angel said nothing more.

HAPPY FATHERS DAY!

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Subj:     Father's Day Funnies (S125)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/19/99

Today at work, the boss wanted to know when Father's Day
was. "Easy," I answered. "It's nine months before Mother's
Day."

***********

"If my son is getting half as much out of college as the
college is getting out of me, he'll be a success."

***********

Father's Day was both a joy and a worry as my kids were
growing up. I was always afraid they were going to give
me a present that I couldn't afford.

***********

I've got 3 TVs, cable, ? a satellite dish; I have 3 phone
lines in the house, a cell phone ? one in the car, plus a
pager. I use 2 computers, 3 ISP's and a fax. I subscribe
to two daily papers ? one weekly one. I watch both the
local ? network news every evening. And my kids have the
nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.

***********

With divorce and remarriage so common these days, pity
the poor kids. Most of them know what to buy for Father's
Day -- they just don't know which "Father" to give it to.

***********

Neither of my kids ever understood my logic. Both of them
failed to see why they had to go to bed when I was tired.

***********

A friend of mine had 5 kids. When the youngest finally
turned 16, and was the last one left at home, my friend
posted a sign on the kid's bedroom door: "Check-out time
is 18".

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Subj:     Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say (S125)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/18/99

(A Father's Day Classic)

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll
have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be
ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours"
attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating
not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ...
you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably
     one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes
     it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and
     pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without
an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go
to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of
money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no
big deal.

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Subj:     Conservative Man Wears Earring (S123, S494b)
          From: thebartend on 6/3/99

A man is at work one day when he notices that his coworker
is wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker to be a
normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden
change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were
into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies
sheepishly.

"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

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Subj:     Man Through The Ages (S400)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 8/18/2004
          At: www.ezines4all.com/ct200407/036.htm

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Subj:     You Know You're An Adult When ... (S92, S494)
          From: RFSlick on 98-11-03
          (Also see '26 Signs You've Already Grown Up' in ELDERLY3)

Your potted plants stay alive.
Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the 'fridge.
You have to pay your own credit card bill.
Mac ? Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
8 a.m. is not early.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You're not carded anymore.
You carry an umbrella.
You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
"Twenty-something" means overqualified, underpaid
    and not married.
You start watching the Weather Channel.
Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
You can no longer drink shots, and smoking gives you
    a sinus attack.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to seven.
You go to parties that the police don't raid.
You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down.
You refer to college students as kids.
You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer,
    bourbon and rum.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.

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Subj:     Big And Little Guy In Elevator (DU)

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a
huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down
upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20
inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle,
Turner Brown."

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to,
slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy,
"What's wrong with you?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"

The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds,
20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle,
Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn
around'."

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Subj:     The Watch (S383b)
          From: Anaise on 98-01-31
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 6/1/2004

A man named Jake is struggling through a bus station with
two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger comes
up behind him and asks "Have you got the time?"

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and turns around. After
glancing at his wrist he says "it's about a quarter to s--"

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this
out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for
every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice
says "The time is eleven 'til sixteen" in a very West Texas
accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something
in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for
each city".

The display is unbelievably high quality for a mere watch, and
the voice is simply astounding - smooth and perfectly audible,
without the tinny sound you might expect from a speaker that
could fit on a watch. The stranger is struck dumb with
admiration.

"That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons - it
has more than a dozen - and a tiny but very high-resolution map
of New York City appears on the display. "If we were outside",
Jake says apologetically, "it could show you where we were by
satellite positioning, but under this roof all it can do is
remember my last position and a map of the surrounding area.
View recede ten", he adds to the watch, and the display changes
to show eastern New York state.

"It responds to voice?!" gasps the stranger, and Jake nods
enthusiastically: "But I haven't got it all programmed yet -
most of the functions are still button-activated."

"I want to buy that watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out
the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this:", and he
proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very
creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a
sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters as
well as trigger the stopwatch function for close racing finishes,
a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all
to the now drooling listener, has capacity for voice recordings
of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my
favourites in there so far" says Jake.

He starts up "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress" by Robert Heinlein,
and although the stranger has never heard of either he can
still hear those amazing un-tinny voices coming out of the
normal-sized watch on Jake's wrist.

"I've got to have that watch!", he says.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready -"

"I'll give you $1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"

"I'll give you $5000 for it!"

"But it's just not -"

"I'll give you $15 000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a
checkbook. "I've just *got* to have that watch!"

"But...". Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500
into materials and development, and with $15,000 he could make
another one and have it ready for merchandising in only another
half a year. "$15,000?"

The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves
it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right
here and now."

Jake abruptly makes his decision. "Ok", he says, and peels
off the watch. They make the exchange, the check for the watch,
and the stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns
around warily. Jake indicates the two suitcases he'd been
trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't you want the
batteries?"

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Subj:     Saving Grandfather's Clock (S262b, DU)
          From: thebartend on 2/4/2002

A well off young man was moving from one house to another,
a few streets away. Observing with dismay the care-free
way in which the moving crew yanked his cherished antiques
about, he was filled with a desire to save from possible
damages a tall grandfather's clock which he prized highly.

Taking the clock in his arms he started for the new house.
But the clock was as tall as its owner, and heavy besides,
and he had to put it down every few feet and rest his arms
and mop his streaming brow. Then he would clutch his
burden and stagger on again.

After half an hour of these strenuous exertions he was
nearing his destination, when an intoxicated person who
had been watching his labors from the opposite side of the
road took advantage of a halt to hail him.

"Mister," he said thickly, "could I ash you a quest'n?"

"What is it?" demanded the exhausted young man.

"Why on earth don't you carry a watch?"

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Subj:     Italian, Frenchman, And Jew Excite Wives (S284, S484c)
          From: thebartend on 7/11/2002 and 5/1/2006

Three old men are discussing their sex lives.

The Italian man says, " Last week, my wife and I had great
sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made
passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex,
I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made
passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.

The old Jewish Man says, "Well, last week my wife and I
had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken
schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she
screamed for 6 hours.

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied,
"What could you have possibly done to make your wife
scream for 6 hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

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Subj:     Men Regrowing Hair (S566c in Body Parts)
          From: Dr. Peter Gott
          in Vallejo Times Herald on 11/27/2007

This home-remedy for male hair loss was in the doctor's
column of the Vallejo Times Herald. Click 'HERE' to read.

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Subj:     Indian, African and Englishman Levitate Wives (DU)

An Indian, an African and an Englishman were sitting in a
bar together. The Indian tells the others, in the pub one
day, how he makes love to his wife. "I use ancient Indian
love potions. I rub them into her body for half an hour,
and then she floats 12 inches above the bed. We make love,
and it is fantastic"

The African says his bit.... "I use an ancient African love
potion. I rub it into my wifes' body, and after an hour she
floats 6 feet above the surface of the bed. We make love,
and it is marvelous!!"

The Englishmans turn. (Determined not to be outdone).....
"I go to the pub and get smashed. I come back home late at
night, and shag my wife til I come over her belly. Then I
wipe my dick on the curtains and go to sleep. ..... She
hits the ceiling!"

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Subj:     Two Men Camping (S09, S494)
          From: Don_Hatch on 97-03-14

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together,
and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first
friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's
nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and
spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the
day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences
over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes
north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream
up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal
clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer
come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled
with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was
your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of
railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a
beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes
off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in
every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so
tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better
than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't
find her head."

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Subj:     Three Guys In A Haren (S26, DU)
          From: sking on 97-07-18

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came
upon this harem with over 100 beautiful women. They started
getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik
came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else
can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what
you have done today. You will each die and in a way
corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does
for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Alright,
shoot his penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did
for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Alright,
burn his penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for
a living?"

And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face,
"I'm a lollipop salesman!"

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Subj:     Frugal Man (S494)

A frugal man who never bought a frivolous gift, Uncle John
gave Aunt Mary a cementery plot for their 25th wedding
anniversary. Knowing how "thrifty" her husband was, she
was content with the present.

Just before their next anniversary they had a big argument
and didn't speak for several days. On the big day, Uncle
John came home from work and Aunt Mary, in a conciliatory
mood, teased, "John, darlin', do you know what day this is?"

"Yeap," he grumbled, still angry.

"Well, did you get me anything?" asked Aunt Mary.

"Nope," he growled. "You never did use what I gave you last year!"

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Subj:     Wild Party In Vermont (S27, S591)
          From: TheBartend on 97-07-15
      and From: DoctorDebt on 2/11/2004

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is
finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50
acres of land in Vermont to be as far from humanity as
possible. Sam sees the postman once a week, and gets
groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and
quiet. After 6 months or so of almost total isolation,
he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his
door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter
standing there.

"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the
ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like
to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to
meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's
gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business,
I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fightin' too."

Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with
people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild
sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been
alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the
way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you
want, just gonna be the two of us."

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Subj:     The Ancient Code Of Bachelors (S501c)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 8/23/2006
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C19940705

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Subj:     Non Sequitur Comic Strip (S590c)
          By Wiley Miller
          From: WashingtonPost on 5/4/2008

Source: http://wpcomics.washingtonpost.com/client/wpc/nq/

You can view this cute comic strip about 'Milestones in
the Development of Guys' on my site by clicking 'HERE'.

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A happy Smiley from
Smiley_Central

.