Subj: Men2 - Tests and Silly Stuff (Gz2)
(Includes 15 jokes and articles)
Man w/Cigar from
AGAG Animation Gallery
| >>>
Subj: Men2 - Tests and Silly Stuff (Gz2) (Includes 15 jokes and articles) |
|
Man w/Cigar from AGAG Animation Gallery |
The MEN1 file contains men jokes.
The MEN2?3 file contains tests and
silly stuff.
The MEN4 file contains Quotes, one-liners,
short jokes, and question-answers.
============================================================Top
| Subj:
Men In Coats (S516)
From: LABLaughsClean on 12/1/2006 |
 |
Drawing from
www.menincoats.co.uk |
This 10,000 KB stage show is
a comedy duo that is kind of hard
to explain so just know it is
funny, watch it and enjoy. You
can view it at the source above,
or on my web site by clicking
'HERE'.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: The
Difference Between Men And Guys (S342b, S539)
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/3/2003 and 4/25/2007
Men: know what they want to be
doing five years down the road.
Guys: are not sure what they
want to be doing later tonight.
Men: read Crichton, watch Rather,
play golf.
Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld,
play poker.
Men: wear ties with stripes,
shirts with buttons,
and
shoes with laces.
Guys: wear high school T-shirts
they've actually owned
since
high school.
Men: think perfume (yours) is
a turn-on.
Guys: think sweat (theirs) is
a turn-on.
Men: balance their checkbooks.
Guys: balance their loans so
that they never hit up the
same
buddy twice in a row.
Men: claim to be feminist but
still insist on opening doors,
driving,
and paying for dinner.
Guys: claim to be feminists
so they can let YOU open doors,
drive,
and pay for dinner.
Men: are afraid of becoming
their fathers.
Guys: are afraid of becoming
men.
Men: put you on the phone when
their mothers call.
Guys: pretend you're not there
when their moms call.
Men: start their own businesses.
Guys: quit their jobs.
Men: are experts on women's
erogenous zones.
Guys: are experts on their own
erogenous zone.
Men: order wine based on more
than the price.
Guys: bring their own beer.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Rate
Yourself w/Women (S295b, S551c)
From: Puneet385 on 9/27/2002
and
From: ginafm on 8/8/2007
Men! Everything you wanted to
know about being a good mate!
In the world of romance, one
single rule applies: Make the
woman happy. Do something
she likes and you get points. Do
something she dislikes and points
are subtracted. You don't
get any points for doing something
she expects. Sorry, that
is the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point
system.
Simple Duties:
You make the bed...........................................+1
You make the bed, but forget
to add the decorative pillows..0
You throw the bedspread over
rumpled sheets................-1
You leave the toilet seat up...............................-5
You replace the toilet-paper
roll when it's empty...........0
When the toilet-paper roll is
barren, you resort to Kleenex-1
When the Kleenex runs out you
use the downstairs bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her extra-light
panty liners with wings..+5
At midnight................................................+8
In the snow...............................................+12
But return with beer.......................................-5
An hour later.............................................-15
You check out a suspicious noise
and it's nothing...........0
You check out a suspicious noise
and it's something........+5
You pummel it with a six iron.............................+10
It's her pet..............................................-10
Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire
party...............0
You stay by her side for a while,
then leave to chat with
a college drinking
buddy................................-2
Named Tiffany..............................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer .......................................-6
Tiffany has implants.......................................-8
Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner..................................0
You take her out to dinner and
it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar...................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night
............................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat
night, and your face
is painted the
colors of your favorite team............-10
A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal..........................................-5
The pal is not happily married.............................-4
Or frighteningly single....................................-7
And he drives a Mustang...................................-10
With a personalized license
plate (GR8 N BED).............-15
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie....................................+2
You take her to a movie she
likes .........................+4
You take her to a movie you
hate...........................+6
You take her to a movie you
like...........................-2
It's called Death Cop 3....................................-3
Which features cyborgs that
eat humans ....................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign
film about orphans.....-15
Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly.........................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly
and
exercise to get
rid of it..............................+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly
and
resort to loose
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts........-30
You say "It doesn't matter,
you have one too"............-800
The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?".
You hesitate in responding................................-10
You reply, "Where?".......................................-35
Any other response........................................-20
Communication:
When she wants to talk about
a problem, you listen,
displaying what
looks like a concerned expression........0
When she wants to talk, you
listen, for over 30 minutes....+5
You listen for more than 30
minutes without
looking at the
TV.....................................+100
She realizes this is because
you've fallen asleep........-200
-------------------------
It all makes sense now!
I never looked at it this way
before:
MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist.............
and when we have real trouble,
it's a HIS terectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
---------------------------
SOURCE: www.c-boom.com
(women empowerment website)
I don't know what i was doing
here, but whatever.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: "The
Men's Code" (S293)
From: RFSlick on 9/11/2002
1. The universal compensation
for buddies who help you
move is beer.
2. Never hesitate to reach for
either the last beer or
the last
slice of pizza -- but not both. That's just
plain mean.
3. Bitching about the brand
of free beer in a buddy's
refrigerator
is forbidden. You may gripe if the
temperature
is unsuitable, however.
4. Any man who brings a camera
to a bachelor party may
be legally
killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
5. Women who claim they "love
to watch sports" must be
treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of
the game
and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
6. Unless he murdered someone
in your immediate family,
you must
bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
7. The minimum amount of time
you have to wait for
another guy
who's running late is 5 minutes. For a
woman, you
are required to wait 10 minutes for every
point of
hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
8. Agreeing to distract the
ugly friend of a hot babe
your buddy
is trying to hook up with is your legal
duty.
Should you get carried away with your good
deed and
end up having sex with the beast, your pal
is forbidden
to speak of it, even at your bachelor
party.
9. Before dating a buddy's ex,
you are required to ask
his permission
and he, in return is required to grant it.
10. If a man's zipper is down,
that's his problem -- you
didn't see
nothin'.
11. When stumbling upon other
guys watching a sports event,
you may always
ask the score of the game in progress,
but you may
never ask who's playing.
12. It is permissible to consume
a fruity chick drink only
when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's
delivered
by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
13. A man in the company of a
hot, suggestively dressed
woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
14. If you compliment a guy on
his six-pack, you'd better
be referring
to his beer.
15. Never join your girlfriend/wife
in discussing a buddy,
except when
she's withholding sex pending your response.
16. Never talk to a man in the
bathroom unless you're on
equal footing;
either both urinating or both waiting in
line.
In all other situations, a nod is all the
conversation
you need.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Male
Chain Letter (S183)
From: RFSlick on 7/31/00
PLEASE READ!!!! THIS COULD CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!!!
This chain letter was started
in hopes of bringing relief to
tired and discouraged men. Unlike
most chain letters, this
one does not cost anything.
Just send a copy of this letter
to five of your friends who
are equally tired and discontented.
Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend
(or both) and send her
to the man whose name appears
at the top of the list, then add
your name to the bottom.
Within 30 days, you will receive
15,625 women. One of them
is bound to be better than the one
you have. At the writing
of this letter, a friend of mine had
already received 186 women,
4 of whom were worth keeping.
REMEMBER this chain brings luck.
One day a man forwarded this
letter and the next day he received
the Hooter of the Year.
An unmarried New Jersey man
was able to choose between a
massage therapist and a nymphomaniac
caddy. You can be lucky,
too, but don't break the chain.
One man broke the chain and
got his ex-wife back!!!!!.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Because
I'm A Man (S106)
From: RFSlick on 99-02-06
Because I'm a man, I must hold
the television remote control
in my hand while I watch TV.
If the thing has been misplaced,
I'll miss a whole show looking
for it, though one time I was
able to survive by holding a
calculator.
Because I'm a man, when I lock
my keys in the car I will
fiddle with a wire clothes hanger
and ignore your suggestions
that we call a road service
until long after hypothermia has
set in. Oh, and when the
car isn't running very well, I will
pop the hood and stare at the
engine as if I know what I'm
looking at. If another
guy shows up, one of us will say to
the other, "I used to be able
to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where
to start." We will then
drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch
a cold I need someone to bring
me soup and take care of me
while I lie in bed and moan. You
never get as sick as I do, so
for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied
upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like
milk or bread. I cannot be
expected to find exotic items
like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all
I know these are the same thing.
Because I'm a man, when one of
our appliances stops working I
will insist on taking it apart,
despite evidence that this
will just cost me twice as much
once the repair person gets
here and has to put it back
together.
Because I'm a man, I don't think
we're all THAT lost, and no,
I don't think we should stop
and ask someone. Why would you
listen to a complete stranger
- how in the world could HE
know where we're going?
Because I'm a man, there is no
need to ask me what I'm
thinking about. The answer
is always either sex or football,
though I have to make up something
else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a man, I do not want
to visit your mother, or have
your mother come visit us, or
talk to her when she calls, or
think about her any more than
I have to. Whatever you got
her for mother's day is ok,
I don't need to see it. Did you
remember to pick up something
for my mom, too?
Because I'm a man, I am capable
of announcing, "One more beer
and I really have to go," and
mean it every single time I say
it, even when it gets to the
point that the one bar closes
and my buddies and I have to
go hunt down another. I will
find it increasingly hilarious
to have my pals call you to
tell you I'll be home soon,
and no, I don't understand why
you threw all my clothes into
the front yard. Like, what's
the connection?
Because I'm a man, you don't
have to ask me if I liked the
movie. Chances are, if
you're crying at the end of it, I
didn't.
Because I'm a man, yes, I have
to turn up the radio when
Bruce Springsteen or The Doors
comes on, and then, yes, I
have to tell you every single
time about how Bruce had his
picture on the cover of Time
and Newsweek the same day, or
how Jim Morrison is buried in
Paris and everyone visits
his grave. Please do not
behave as if you do not find
this fascinating.
Because I'm a man, I think what
you're wearing is fine. I
thought what you were wearing
five minutes ago was fine,
too. Either pair of shoes
is fine. With the belt or
without it looks fine.
Your hair is fine. You look
fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is,
after all, the 90's, I
will share equally in the housework.
You do the laundry,
the cooking, the cleaning, and
the dishes. I'll do the
rest.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Rogue
Male Test (S39, S576)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #229 on 97-10-22
and
From: pns on 4/8/2003
ARE YOU AN UNRECONSTRUCTED, RIGHT-ON,
ROGUE MALE OR A
DELIVERY BOY OF THE NEW MALE
ORDER? ARE YOU A MAN OR
A LOUSE? FIND OUT BELOW.
1. A woman whispers "Fuck me
now, big boy.." in your ear.
She is obviously:
a) Short sighted.
b) Attempting to
overcome a lack of self esteem through
meaningless sexual gratification.
c) Begging for
it.
d) A recording.
2. In the company of feminists,
coitus should be
referred to as:
a) Sex.
b) Fucking.
c) Enclosure.
d) The pigskin
bus pulling into tuna town.
3. You should make love to a
woman for the first time
only after you've
both shared:
a) Your views about
what you expect from a sexual
relationship.
b) Your Blood-test
results.
c) A cab.
d) Five tequila
slammers.
4. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner
climaxes first.
b) You both climax
simultaneously.
c) The director
can set up for a close-up.
d) You don't miss
Sportsnight.
5. Passionate, spontaneous sex
on the kitchen floor is:
a) Strictly for
cats.
b) Healthy, creative
love-play.
c) Not the sort
of thing your wife/girlfriend would
agree to.
d) Not the sort
of thing your wife/girlfriend need
ever find out about.
6. Spending the whole night cuddling
a woman you've just
had sex with is:
a) The best part
of the experience.
b) The second best
part of the experience.
c) A loathsome
chore.
d) $100 extra.
7. Your girlfriend says she's
gained two kilos in weight
in the last month.
You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of
yours.
b) No barrier to
her finding a new boyfriend.
c) No problem -
she can join your gym.
d) A conservative
estimate.
8. Today's sensitive, caring
man is:
a) An ideal to
which you aspire.
b) A myth.
c) An oxymoron.
d) A moron.
9. Your girlfriend announces
that she is pregnant. Do you:
a) Take her in
your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is
the happiest day of my life..."
b) Take her to
bed and say: "I might as well get hung
for a sheep as a lamb..."
c) Take her to
the abortion clinic.
d) Take her phone
number and tell her
you'll get back to her.
10. A prostitute is:
a) A victim of
male dominated society and
social oppression.
b) Someone who
provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.
11. A wife is:
a) A victim of
male dominated society and
social oppression.
b) Someone who
provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.
12. Masturbation is:
a) Sex with someone
you love.
b) A healthy exploration
of your erogenous zones.
c) A team sport.
d) A cheap date.
13. How can you tell when your
partner has an orgasm?
a) When she drops
her nail file.
b) When she goes
the colour of Man Utd's home strip
(or a Chicago Bulls uniform).
c) When the Earth
moves.
d) Who cares?
14. It is the day after a one-night
stand. Do you:
a) Call her.
b) Call your lawyer.
c) Call your doctor.
d) Call your wife.
15. Which of the following lines
best fits into your
ideal role-playing
sexual fantasy:
a) "Frankly Scarlett,
I don't give a damn..."
b) "I've got a
nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
c) "You're a lovely,
fluffy little sheep...."
d) "Another consonant
please, Carol...."
16. You take a woman out to dinner
and the bill comes
to $300.
Do you expect:
a) An overdraft.
b) A blow job.
c) Her to pay next
time.
d) A thank-you
letter.
17. You call your penis:
a) John Thomas.
b) Terry-Thomas.
c) Massive.
d) On its birthday.
18. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Priming is to
painting.
b) Appetiser is
to entree.
c) Trailer is to
feature.
d) A queue is to
an amusement park ride.
19. The slogan that sums up your
sexual mores is:
a) Free Lorena
Bobbitt.
b) Free Mike Tyson.
c) Free Willy.
d) Free condom
with this survey.
20. During sex you:
a) Haggle.
b) Talk dirty.
c) Talk of love.
d) Talk on the
phone.
21. Your local MP (Mayor) is
involved in a lurid
sex scandal.
You are:
a) Outraged.
b) Implicated.
c) Jealous.
d) A Labour voter
anyway.
22. A woman who consents to having
sex with you
when she
is drunk is:
a) Easier.
b) Unfortunately,
probably incapable of rational judgement.
c) Fortunately,
probably incapable of rational judgement.
d) A tricky defence
in court.
23. Which of the following are
you most likely to find
yourself
saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can
still be friends."
b) "Welcome to
Dumpsville. Population: you."
c) "I'm not in
right now. Please leave a message
after the tone...."
d) "Keep the change."
24. At what point do you put
on the condom?:
a) Before you go
out.
b) Before you pass
out.
c) As a party trick.
d) Never.
25. You wake to find your partner
clutching your penis
in one hand
and a carving knife in the other. Do you:
a) Talk through
her anger.
b) Shout "Look
behind you!" and make a run for it.
c) Ask her to put
down the offensive weapon.
d) Ask her to put
down the knife.
26. A woman who is uncomfortable
watching you masturbate:
a) Is uptight and
a waste of time.
b) Probably needs
a little more time before she
can cope with that sort of intimacy.
c) May need glasses.
d) Shouldn't have
sat next to you on the bus in the
first place.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Men
At Work Sign (S481c)
From: LABLaughsRiddles20060410 on 4/10/2006
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C19960821
 |
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Are
You A Real Guy? - Quiz (S15, S592)
From: RFSlick on 3/31/2003
Take This Scientific Quiz
to Determine Your Guyness Quotient
( by Dave Berry )
1. Alien beings from a highly
advanced society visit the
Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As
a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you
with a small but
incredibly sophisticated device that
is capable of curing
all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean
energy, wiping out hunger and poverty,
and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all
over the entire
Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the
president of the United States.
b. Present it to the
secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost
quality of your youthful
life do you miss
the most?
a. Innocence.
b. Idealism. c. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another
male?
a. When you wish to display
simple and pure affection
without
regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the Pope.
(Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother
and you are Al Pacino and
this
is the only really sportsmanlike way to let
him
know that, for business reasons, you have to
have
him killed.
4. What about hugging another
male?
a. If he's your father
and at least one of you has
a fatal
disease.
b. If you're performing
the Heimlich maneuver. (And
even
in this case, you should repeatedly shout:
"I
am just dislodging food trapped in this male's
trachea!
I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional
baseball player and a
teammate
hits a home run to win the World Series,
you
may hug him provided that (1) He is legally
within
the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing
protective
cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally
with
your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A
funeral is a good time to...
a. ...remember the deceased
and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the
fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about
the guy who has Alzheimer's
disease
and cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal
pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog. c. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman
for several years. She's
attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being
with her.
One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of
you are taking
it easy-- you're watching a football
game; she's reading
the papers--when she suddenly, out
of the clear blue
sky, tells you that she thinks she
really loves you,
but she can no longer bear the
uncertainty of
not knowing where your relationship is
going. She
says she's not asking whether you want to
get married; only
whether you believe that you have
some kind of future
together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely
believe the two of you do have a
future,
but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you
also have strong feelings for her,
you
cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime
soon
to make a lasting commitment, and you don't
want
to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe
the Broncos called a draw
play
on third and seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided
that you truly love a woman
and you want to
spend the rest of your life with her-
sharing the joys
and the sorrows, the triumphs and the
tragedies, and
all the adventures and opportunities
that the world
has to offer, come what may. How do
you tell her?
a. You take her to a
nice restaurant and tell her
after
dinner.
b. You take her for a
walk on a moonlit beach, and you
say
her name, and when she turns to you, with the
sea
breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her
eyes,
you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife
wakes up feeling ill and
asks you to get
your three children ready for school.
Your first question
to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat
or anything?"
b. "They're in school
already?"
c. "There are three of
them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a
set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned
the color of a dead whale and
developed
new holes so large that you're not sure
which
ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to
eight loosely connected underwear
molecules
and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to
throw away veteran underwear. A
real
guy checks the garbage regularly in case some-
body--and
we are not naming names, but this would be
his
wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear,
which
she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems
to
have a more intimate relationship with it than with
her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most
reasonable explanation
for the fact that
Moses led the Israelites all over the
place for forty
years before they finally got to the
Promised Land?
a. He was being
tested.
b. He wanted them
to really appreciate the Promised
Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to
ask directions.
12. What is the human race's single
greatest achievement?
a. Democracy.
b. Religion. c. Remote control.
How to Score: Give yourself one
point for every time you
picked answer "c." A real
guy would score at least 10 on
this test. In fact, a
real guy would score at least 15,
because he would get he special
five-point bonus for
knowing the joke about the guy
who has Alzheimer's disease
and cancer.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Ideal
Man Quiz!
From: ipkis on 97-06-07
See if you are the ideal man.
How many of these statements
do you say?
1 - Yes dear, whatever you say
dear.
2 - Have you lost weight dear?
You look so thin.
3 - Yes dear, you're so right.
I was wrong again.
How
could I have been so stupid?
4 - That's okay, I don't have
to watch the game.
5 - Here you control the TV
remote control.
6 - Dear, you are more beautiful
today, than you
were
the first time we met.
7 - Your mother can stay as
long as she wants.
8 - Sweetie, can I run out
and get you a gallon of ice cream?
9 - Dear, you just lie down
and relax.
I'll
wash your ass for you.
10 - Honey bunch, let me cook
dinner for you tonight.
11 - That's not a wart, that's
a beauty mark.
12 - That's okay, I don't mind
the feel of stubble on your legs.
13 - Let me massage your feet
while you watch
your
favorite TV show.
14 - I'll be as quiet as a mouse
when I get up for
work
in the morning, so I don't wake you.
15 - I'll do the dishes and
the laundry
when
I get home from work.
16 - I've saved up some money,
why don't you go out
and buy yourself
something?
ARE YOU THE IDEAL MAN?
How many would you say?
0 --- You are your
own man.
1-3 --- You are your own man,
but know which buttons to push.
4-7 --- Your woman controls
you.
8-12 -- You never were your
own man, you know it,
she knows it, and the world knows it.
13-16 - You are a woman's Ideal
man. You are also
a spineless wimp.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: A Man
Doesn't Say... (S345)
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/1/2003
10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see
her again, but
her breasts
are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND
Brad Pitt? That's one movie
I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get
you anything?
6. Honey since we don't have
anything else planned,
will you
go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn't that important;
sometimes,
I just want
to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the
mall with me and help me
pick out
a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday night
football,
Let's watch
Melrose Place.
2. Hey let me hold your purse
while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Commonly Asked Questions
About Men...And Their Answers
From Bawdy.Net Collage #186
------------------------------------------------------
Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing.
Much similar to your PMS thing,
we men suffer from testosterone
poisoning. Why do you think
the average lifespan of a male
is typically 10 years shorter
(and it's not just from all
the bitching and nagging we have
to endure)? Hormone modifies
behavior. We're just misunderstood.
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men always have to ogle
at other women?
Again, this is a testosterone
thing. Do you honestly think
that all the testosterone just
fell out of our bodies the
moment we met you? Besides,
women do it as well. Women are
just much better at not getting
caught. I'm fairly certain
it's some sort of photographic
memory deal. Women take one
quick look and memorize it for
later reference. Since men
lack this ability, we try to
burn it into our memory by
staring as much as we can.
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men always touch themselves,
especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust
our little friend and make
him happy. It's much like
adjusting your bra. Being in
public is just an added bonus.
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men always say such stupid
things?
We like to. It's actually
a whole lot of fun to see our
partner frustrated by a few
simple (and well chosen) words.
------------------------------------------------------
Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big
mouth shut too if every time
you open it you get into trouble
with your partner.
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men have to act like
such retards?
Well, we don't actually have
to; we do it because we enjoy
it. It's the old fashioned
pride in a job well done that
is missing in so much of the
world nowadays.
------------------------------------------------------
Why can't men just share their
feelings?
Do we look like women to you?
Why is it so hard to
understand that men and women
are different? How are we
supposed to share how we feel
when we have no idea how
we feel? Unless we're experiencing
some extreme emotion
like rage, hatred, disgust,
or a brick on our foot, we
have no idea how we feel.
Personally, I get a headache
whenever I try to figure
out how I feel.
------------------------------------------------------
Why can't men cuddle more (i.e.
lie down and hug)?
Please... How many hours do you
think there is in a day?
We oblige you as much as we
can, but who the heck
(besides women) can stand lying
around for hours on end?
We men... Men hunters... Need
go roam...Starve in cave...
Must go find wildebeest... Now
sitting on our asses for
hours on end on the other hand
is a whole other story.
------------------------------------------------------
How can men sit on their asses
all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of
sitting muscles developed
by evolution that enable us
to sit for extended periods
of time without getting tired.
In prehistoric times, it
was often necessary to sit in
one spot for extended
periods of time while hunting
for prey. The more
successful hunters were able
to sit very still for very
extended periods of time thereby
passing on this ability
to their progeny. The
figgidy types were all gobbled up
by saber toothed tigers, etcetera.
The end result is
that almost all modern men are
born with this innate
ability.
------------------------------------------------------
Why can't men just say "I love
you?"
Men are taught from a tender
young age to be self-
sufficient. To say that
we love you is equivalent to
saying that we need you.
Most men consider that a
character fault. It's
not easy to admit to one's own
character faults.
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men say "I love you"
when they hardly know me?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you
special? Well, some men
think it's a sure fire way to
get into your pants.
Surprisingly, it actually still
works quite well.
------------------------------------------------------
What does it mean when men say
"I Love You?
1 Please sleep with me.
2 I'm sorry for whatever it
is that I did.
3 I forgot to get you a gift;
this will have to do.
4 Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
5 What did I forget? This should
buy me a little time.
6 Stop nagging me.
7 What do I have to do to get
a beer around here?
------------------------------------------------------
Why doesn't my partner ever
answer me?
We just simply don't have the
energy to answer every
single one of your questions.
If we think we do not
have the answer, or that you
will not like the answer,
we simply remain quiet and save
the energy for other
things.
------------------------------------------------------
Why won't men ever pick up after
themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really
bother us that much.
Besides, we know darn well you'll
pick it up.
------------------------------------------------------
What's with all the belching
and farting?
This usually only occurs after
months of courting. It's
our way to let you know that
we're comfortable with you.
Believe it or not, it's actually
a sign of affection.
Besides, holding it for extended
periods of time gives
us stomach cramps.
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing.
Men hunt. Women gather. We
just want to go out, kill it,
and bring it back. Who
wants to spend hours and hours
to look at things we have
no intention of killing? err...
Buying?
------------------------------------------------------
Why can't men ever leave the
toilet seat down?
Have you ever seen one of us
pee? The proper position of
the toilet seat is up.
Mathematically speaking, the proper
position of the toilet seat
is a function of the time spent
peeing over the time spent sitting.
The closer that ratio
approaches one, the truer the
proposition. Besides, it's
actually a courtesy that we
lift the seat. Why would we
care if we pee all over the
seat. You're the ones that
have to sit on it. You
should appreciate the fact that we
actually lift the darn thing.
We aim to please.
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men find blonde bimbos
attractive?
Are you kidding? Even leaving
the physical aside, blonde
bimbos are generally much easier
to get along (alone) with.
They like having fun and doing
exciting things. They don't
walk around with the weight
of the world on their shoulders.
They don't ever give us a hard
time for being a dumb male;
and plus they laugh at most
of our jokes (even the ones they
don't get). What more
could any of us males ask for?
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men act like they own
the remote control?
What do you mean act? We
do; possession is nine tenths of
the law. Besides, it is
an awesome responsibility not to
be entrusted to just anyone.
I believe the only fair way
to decide who gets the remote
control is to arm wrestle
for it.
------------------------------------------------------
Why can't men stay on a single
channel for more than two seconds?
Are you kidding? What if
there is something good on the
next channel? We could
miss it if we stay on one channel for
too long. (See also: Why
do men fear commitment?)
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fear commitment?
Don't be so surprised.
Yes; most of us do know what
"commitment" means and can spell
it correctly. It's like
an automobile. No matter
how good you think this year's
model is, they're always coming
out with newer, faster,
better, sleeker, and sexier
models. We simply cannot be
expected to purchase the first
one we see. We must browse
around a bit and test drive
a few. Who wants to end up
with a lemon? At least with
a car, there's a slight chance
of it eventually becoming a
classic. It simply makes much
more sense to lease and upgrade
to the younger... err... I
mean newer models every couple
of years. Some of them come
with fun extras like dual air
bags.
------------------------------------------------------
What does it mean when men say,
"I'm just not ready for a
relationship right now" or "I
don't want a girl friend?"
It means that we like you enough
to sleep with you, but not
enough so that we want to see
you repeatedly.
------------------------------------------------------
What does it mean when men say,
"Can we just be friends?"
Generally, it means that the
recipient of said comment is
physically repulsive enough
that no beer goggles may be
thick enough to provide adequate
protection.
------------------------------------------------------
Do all men really masturbate?
Yes. It is genetically
inherited behavior. It's been
passed on from our most primal
forefathers, and it'll be
passed on to our sons.
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men generally have greater
upper body strength?
Several factors are at work,
namely evolution, heredity,
nutrition, and environment.
(See also: Do all men really
masturbate?)
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men generally have better
hand-eye or spatial
coordinate motor coordination?
It is like with all things.
Practice... Practice...
Practice... (See also: Do all
men really masturbate?)
------------------------------------------------------
Why are men so obsessed with
beautiful women?
As opposed to what? Really
ugly women? Face it, if men
were obsessed with ugly women,
there would be just as
much bitching about why men
are so obsessed with ugly
women. No matter how you
set this up, some people are
always going to be left out.
I don't see anyone screaming
about equal treatment for the
stupid people either.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Male-to-English
Dictionary (S107)
From: RFSlick on 99-02-10 plus others
(See 'Woman's Dictionary'
in WOMEN3
WHAT MEN MEAN.....
Male = English
Haven't I seen you before? =
Nice ass
I'm a Romantic = I'm poor
I need you" = My hand is tired
I am different from all the
other guys
= I am not circumcised
I want a commitment = I'm sick
of masturbation
You're the only girl I've ever
cared about
= You are the only
girl who hasn't rejected me
I really want to get to know
you better
= So I can tell
my friends about it
It's just orange juice, try
it = 3 more shots,
and she'll have
her legs around my head
She's kinda cute
= I want to have
sex with her till I am blue
I don't know if I like her =
She won't sleep with me
I miss you so much = I am so
horny that my
male-roommate is
starting to look good
Was it good for you? = I'm insecure
about my manhood
How do I compare with all your
other boyfriends?
= Is my penis really
that small
I had a wonderful time last
night = Who the hell are you
Do you love me? = I've done
something stupid
and you might find
out
Do you 'really' love me? = I've
done something stupid
and you're going
to find out sooner or later
How much do you love me? = I've
done something really stupid
and someone's on
his/her way to tell you about it now
I have something to tell you
= Get tested
I'll give you a call = I'd rather
have my nipples
torn off by wild
dogs than see you again
I've been thinking a lot
= You're not as
attractive as when I was drunk
I think we should just be friends
= You're ugly
I've learned a lot from you
= Next
I'm almost done = I'll be starting
in a few minutes
I'll get to it soon = (better
do it yourself)
A few seconds = 30-90
minutes
A few minutes = 2-4 hours
A few hours = A few days
I'm running to the store = I'll
be at the bar if you need me
I love you = I want to have
sex with you
Of *course* I love you = Go
away, you're bothering me
I'm sorry = Can we have sex
now?
I'll never do it again. = I
promise I'm not sure what
I did, but I REALLY
hate these discussions
Who, HER???? She's ugly! = I'd
jump her in an instant
You look great = You're wearing
clothes, now let's go
No, you're not fat at all =
You're fat, but I wouldn't get
any for WEEKS
if I said that
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
| Subj:
Why Men Use Post-its (S534b)
From: darrell94590 on 4/14/2007 . |
 |
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
 |
A picking Smiley from
Smiley_Central |