Subj:     Men4 Jokes
                 (Includes 185 jokes and articles, 11 1122n,10,cf,vXT5a,6)

Viking from
Including the following: Man in Chair - GIF (DU)
.........................Fantasy Drean Girl - Video (S563b)
.........................The Homeless Man (S450)
.........................New Evening Class For Men (S338b, DU)
.........................Hormone Hostage (S297b, S602b)
.........................Cute, Handsome And Ugly Men (S204, S600)
.........................Why Women Stay Single - Video (S602)
.........................Men's Life Cycle (S178, S601)
.........................Things Men Know (S137)
.........................True Facts About Men (S324b)
.........................Lawn Mower Vs The Electric Fence (S634b)
.........................The Watch (S383b)
.........................Quotations About Men
                         One-liners And Short Jokes About Men
..............................Non Sequitur Cartoon (S873)
..............................Three Guys At A Strip Joint (S53)
..............................Concentration Test For Men - Game (S592b)
..............................Why Men Get Out Of Bed (S237b, S515)
..............................The Man Song - Video (S580b)
..............................Three Guys Argue About Memory (S110)
..............................What Every Man Wants In Bed - Video (S572c)
..............................Types Of Men (S183)
..............................When Neighbors Don't Get Along (S490b)
..............................The Worry Wort (S222)
..............................Man's Two Favorite Things (S366b)
..............................Man Song 2 (S293b)
..............................Men Are Like... (S143, S810)
..............................Three Guys Discuss Controlling Wives (S215)
.........................Quotes And Small Jokes For Men
.........................Question-Answers About Men (S184)

The MEN1 file contains men jokes.
The MEN2 and 3 file contains tests and silly stuff.
The MEN4 file contains Quotes, one-liners, short jokes, and question-answers.
Subj:     Man in Chair (DU)
          From: PicGIFs.com
 Source: http://www.picgifs.com/graphics/
Subj:     Fantasy Drean Girl (S563b, S810d)
          From: darrellvip on 11/6/2007
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/jzJDY309ftM

 This is a silly, but cute video about a man's ultimate
 dream girl.  You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     The Homeless Man (S450)
          From: flovilla on 8/29/2005

 (Also see 'Husband Meets A Bum' in MARRIAGE3)

 A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
 particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked
 him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his
 wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this
 money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

 "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

 "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

 "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I
 can get just to stay alive."

 "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of
 food?" the man asked.

 "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf
 in 20 years!"

 "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district
 instead of food?" the man asked.

 "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the
 homeless man.

 "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money.
 Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked
 by my wife."

 The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with
 you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty

 The man replied, "That's okay.  I just want her to see what a man
 looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

Subj:     New Evening Class For Men (S338b, DU)

 Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty,
 each course will accept a maximum of eight
 participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on

  1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide

  2. Toilet paper: Do they grow on the holders?
     Roundtable discussion.

  3. Differences between the laundry basket and the
     floor. Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

  4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they
     levitate and fly into kitchen sink or dishwasher?
     Debate among panel of experts.

  5. Loss of Virility: Losing the remote control to your
     significant other.  Help line and support groups.

  6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking
     in the right place instead of turning the house upside
     down while screaming.  Open forum.

  7. Health watch: Bringing her flowers is NOT harmful
     to your health. PowerPoint presentation.

  8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life

  9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she
     parallel parks? Driving simulation.

 10. Living with Adults: Basic differences between your
     mother and your wife. Online class and role playing.

 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation
     exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

 12. Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other
     important dates and calling when you're going to be
     late. Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

 13. Getting Over It. Learning to live with being wrong
     all the time. Individual counselors available.

Subj:     Hormone Hostage (S297b, S602b)
          From: coreymac on 10/11/2002

 Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the
 month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he
 takes his life in his hands.  This is a handy guide that
 should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet
 of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

 DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
 SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
 SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

 DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
 SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
 SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

 DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
 SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
 SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

 DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
 SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
 SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

 DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
 SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
 SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Subj:     Cute, Handsome And Ugly Men (S204, S600)
          From: gheckman on 11/18/2000

 This is so true. Women are supposed to be some big mystery...NOT!

 The nice men are ugly.
 The handsome men are not nice.
 The handsome and nice men are gay.
 The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married. The men
    who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money.
 The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money
    think we are only after their money.
 The handsome men without money are after our money.
 The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat hetero-
    sexual don't think we are beautiful enough.
 The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,
    somewhat nice and have money are cowards.
 The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have
    some money and thank God are heterosexual are shy and
 The men who never make the first move, automatically lose
    interest in us when we take the initiative.

Subj:     Why Women Stay Single (S602 in Women-Supp)
          From: darrellvip on 7/24/2008
          (See 'Redneck Women' in Redneck2)
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/pPnCHqHVtVY
 You can watch this movie of men acting stupid by clicking

Subj:     Men's Life Cycle (S178, S601)
          From: ICohen on 6/26/00
      and From: fischer-j on 8/3/2006

 When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

 When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion.

 So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
 In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
 Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all
 the time and threatened suicide.  So I decided I needed a girl
 with some stability.

 When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
 She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
 Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some

 When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up
 with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling
 on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and flirted with
 everyone she met.  She made me miserable as often as happy.
 She was great fun initially and very energetic, but direction-
 less. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

 When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
 planted firmly on the ground and married her.  She was so
 ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

 Now I am 40 and all I want is a girl with big tits.

Subj:     Things Men Know (S137)
          From: gsm on 09/15/1999

 Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac
 is still a naked woman.

 Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling
 you to get out of the house.

 Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.

 Men know that there are at least three sides to every
 story: his, hers, and the truth.

 Men know never to run away from a fight
 that you know you can win.

 Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

 Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so
 would ruin the game.

 Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank
 and how far that gas will get them.

 Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely
 necessary to adjust oneself.

 Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and
 expect the man to stare at her cleavage.  Men also
 know that the woman will get pissed off when they do,
 for reasons not totally clear to them.

 Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because
 they don't know how to cook them.

 Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing,
 unless her name is Tracy...

 Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your
 father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

 Men know that men are from here, and women are from
 way the hell over there.

Subj:     True Facts About Men (S324b)
          From: RFSlick on 3/31/2003


 Men like to barbecue.  Men will cook if danger is involved.

 If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for
 the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go
 to the bathroom.  Most of my husband's early films ended
 with a scream and a flush.

 Men are very confident people.  My husband is so confident
 that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that
 if he concentrates he can help his team.  If the team is
 in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room,
 and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the
 phone in case they call him.

 Men love watches with multiple functions.  My husband has
 one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

 Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave
 enough to get a bikini wax.  Men don't get cellulite.  God
 might just be a man.

 Most men hate to shop.  That's why the men's department is
 usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches
 from the door.

 Men hate to lose.  I once beat my husband at tennis.  I
 asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?"  He said,
 "Yes, but not with each other."

 Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a
 problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again"
 might sound like a challenge.  If you want to get rid of
 a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry
 you... I want to have your children."  Sometimes they
 leave skid marks.

 Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

 When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels
 tight, she will assume she has gained weight.  When a man
 tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will
 assume the clothing has shrunk.

 Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.
 With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.
 Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive

 Men forget everything; women remember everything.  That's
 why men need instant replays in sports.  They've already
 forgotten what happened.

 Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like

Subj:     Lawn Mower Vs The Electric Fence (S634b,d)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/17/2009
 Source: (Removed from gunandgame.com)

 This very graphic story of a man and his toys is so
 long that it needs to be a separate web page.  Click
 'HERE' to see  this silly, funny tale.

Subj:     The Watch (S383b)
          From: Anaise in 1998

 A man named Jake is struggling through a bus station with
 two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger comes
 up behind him and asks "Have you got the time?"

 Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and turns around.  After
 glancing at his wrist he says "it's about a quarter to s--"

 "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

 Jake brightens a little.  "Yeah, it's not bad.  Check this
 out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for
 every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli.
 He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice
 says "The time is eleven 'til sixteen" in a very West Texas
 accent.  A few more buttons and the same voice says something
 in Japanese.  Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for
 each city".

 The display is unbelievably high quality for a mere watch, and
 the voice is simply astounding - smooth and perfectly audible,
 without the tinny sound you might expect from a speaker that
 could fit on a watch.  The stranger is struck dumb with

 "That's not all", says Jake.  He pushes a few more buttons - it
 has more than a dozen - and a tiny but very high-resolution map
 of New York City appears on the display.  "If we were outside",
 Jake says apologetically, "it could show you where we were by
 satellite positioning, but under this roof all it can do is
 remember my last position and a map of the surrounding area.
 View recede ten", he adds to the watch, and the display changes
 to show eastern New York state.

 "It responds to voice?!" gasps the stranger, and Jake nods
 enthusiastically: "But I haven't got it all programmed yet -
 most of the functions are still button-activated."

 "I want to buy that watch!" says the stranger.

 "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out
 the bugs", says the inventor.  "But look at this:", and he
 proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very
 creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a
 sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters as
 well as trigger the stopwatch function for close racing finishes,
 a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all
 to the now drooling listener, has capacity for voice recordings
 of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my
 favourites in there so far" says Jake.

 He starts up "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress" by Robert Heinlein,
 and although the stranger has never heard of either he can
 still hear those amazing un-tinny voices coming out of the
 normal-sized watch on Jake's wrist.

 "I've got to have that watch!", he says.

 "No, you don't understand; it's not ready -"

 "I'll give you $1000 for it!"

 "Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"

 "I'll give you $5000 for it!"

 "But it's just not -"

 "I'll give you $15 000 for it!"  And the stranger pulls out a
 checkbook.  "I've just *got* to have that watch!"

 "But...".  Jake stops to think.  He's only put about $8500
 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he could make
 another one and have it ready for merchandising in only another
 half a year.  "$15,000?"

 The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves
 it in front of him.  "Here it is, ready to hand to you right
 here and now."

 Jake abruptly makes his decision.  "Ok", he says, and peels
 off the watch.  They make the exchange, the check for the watch,
 and the stranger starts happily away.

 "Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns
 around warily.  Jake indicates the two suitcases he'd been
 trying to wrestle through the bus station.  "Don't you want the

Subj:     Quotations About Men

 An empty man is full of himself.  - Edward Abbey

 You can't belay a man who's falling in love.  - Edward Abbey

 My success has allowed me to strike out with
 a higher class of women.  -- Woody Allen

 To love is to suffer.  To avoid suffering, one must not love.
 But then, one suffers from not loving.  Therefore, to love is
 to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer.
 To be happy is to love.  To be happy, then, is to suffer,
 but suffering makes one unhappy.   Therefore, to be happy,
 one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.
   - Woody Allen

 If man evolved from the ape, how come there are still
 apes around?  Some of them were given choices.
   -- Johnny Hart's comic strip "B. C."

 The desire of a man for a woman is not directed at her
 because she is a human being, but because she is a woman.
 That she is a human being is of no concern to him.  - Immanuel Kant

 Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
   -- Jayne Mansfield

 Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.
   -- Maryon Pearson

 Variation: Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.

 A man in the house is worth two in the street.  - Mae West

 Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
   -- Mae West

 I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported.  - Mae West

 It's not the men in my life that count,
 it's the life in my men.  -- Mae West

 Man makes plans, God laughs.  - the Koran

From: kaiser on 98-04-20
 By temperament, which is the real law of God, many men
 are goats and can't help committing adultery when they get
 a chance; whereas there are numbers of men who, by
 temperament, can keep their purity and let an opportunity
 go by if the woman lacks in attractiveness.
   -- Letters from the Earth by Mark Twain

From: auntieg 98-10-26 (S91)
 "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes,
 and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the
 dark until they mature into something with which you'd
 like to have dinner with"

From: auntieg on 98-12-09
 Charisma:  that mysterious something that bald,
 dull billionaires have.  -- Sam Ewing

From: LABLaughsClean on 10/27/2004 (S406b)
 Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 2/16/2007 (S526b)
 "A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
 and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes."
    -- Robert Frost

From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 5/14/2007 (S539b)
 "Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men."
    -- Kin Hubbard

Subj:     One-liners And Short Jokes About Men

Subj:     Non Sequitur Cartoon (S873)
          By Wiley Miller on 9/14/2013
Source: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2013/09/14
Subj:     Three Guys At A Strip Joint (S53)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #225 on 98-01-24
 The other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentlemen's
 Club."  One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls
 out a $10 bill.  The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend
 licked the $10 and put it on her butt.

 Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill.  He
 calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her
 other cheek.  Now the attention is focused on me.  What
 could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a
 minute.....then the banker in me took over.

 I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the
 60 bucks, and went home.

Subj:     Concentration Test For Men - XLS (S592b)
          From: gattica30 on 5/18/2008 (in Test-Supp)
 Source: (Removed from concentrationtest.com)

 Try to follow the hidden ball.  You can play this cute
 game at the above source, or on an Excel Worksheet
 by clicking 'HERE'. Downloads an XLS file.

Subj:     Why Men Get Out Of Bed (S237b, S515)
          From: KMACINTY on 8/15/2001
 A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out
 of bed in the middle of the night.  5% said it was to get
 a glass of water, 12% said it was to go the toilet, 83%
 said it was to go home.

Subj:     The Man Song (S580b,d)
          From: tom on 2/25/2008
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/zpBipgtP86w
 This muppet type movie of the Man Song comes from the
 Milt Show.  Click 'HERE' to view the video.

Subj:     Three Guys Argue About Memory (S110)
          From: scott_pryor on 99-03-08
 Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
 First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First
 Grade class."

 Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"

 Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing.
 I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and
 coming home with my mother."

Subj:     What Every Man Wants In Bed (S572c,d)
          From: tom on 1/2/2008
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/_i3zfL1VUGo
 This video clip is dumb and not worth your time.
 If you still want to see it, click 'HERE'.

Subj:     Types Of Men (S183)
          From: mbucher on 7/29/00
 There are three kinds of men.
 The ones that learn by reading.
 The few who learn by observation.
 The rest of us have to pee on the electric fence for

Subj:     When Neighbors Don't Get Along (S490b) 
          From: darrell94590 on 6/14/2006
 You can view this cute photo by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     The Worry Wort (S222)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/1/2001
 Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found
 a way to overcome this problem.  His friends noticed the
 dramatic change. "You don't seem to be worried about any-
 thing anymore."

 "I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, "Tom
 replied. "I haven't had a single qualm since."

 "A thousand a week!" said Doug. "How are you going to pay

 "That's his problem."

Subj:     Man's Two Favorite Things (S366b)
          From: drgolfmd on 1/28/2004
 To see 'Man's Two Favorite Things', clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Man Song 2 (S293b)
          From: tnkr on 9/11/2002
 Go out to
 on the internet.  It's very funny

Subj:     Men Are Like... (S143, S810)
 Men are like toilets.  Either vacant, engaged, or
    full of crap.

 Men are like dog turds; the older they get,
    the easier they are to pick up.

 Men are like computers...hard to figure out and
    never have enough memory.

 Men are like chocolate bars....sweet, smooth,
    and they usually head right for your hips.

 Men are like coffee....the best ones are rich, warm,
    and can keep you up all night long.

 Men are like department stores....
    their clothes should always be half off.

 Men are like vacations....they never seem to be long enough.

 Men are like horoscopes....they always tell you what to do
    and are usually wrong.

From: FrankRoesc on 10/28/1999
 Men are like pantyhose....they either cling, run or don't
    fit right in the crotch!

From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/21/2004 (S405b)
 Men are like cement.... after getting laid,
    they take a long time to get hard.

Subj:     Quotes And Small Jokes For Men
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98
 I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was

 It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
 It only seems longer.

 Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

 A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money,
 a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman;
 then, Pow! It was all gone!"
 "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."

 Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as
 single men.  Change their underwear.

 Some Men are pee pee shy in public. Experts agree that this
 will help them go.
 Multiply numbers in their head.

 A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Honey,
 pack up your things!  I just won the California lottery!"
 She replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"  The
 man responds, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"

 Women will never be equal to men until they can
 walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

 I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months-I don't like to
 interrupt her.

 A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

 If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to
 choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

 A man is incomplete until he is married.  After that, he
 is finished.

 Wife:    Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
 Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the
          hallway light on.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #100 on 98-04-22
 Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll
    believe you.
 Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #307 on 6/18/99
 All men are animals, some just make better pets.

 Grow your own dope, plant a man.

From: DrRibeiro on 8/2/99 (S131B)
 If a man says something in the woods and
 there are no women there, is he still wrong?

 Man is the king of his castle
 A king is a ruler
 A ruler is 12 inches
 Still think you're a man?

 Did you hear that a man was found floating in the river
 with a banana stuck up his butt and a mouthfull of cornflakes?
 They think it was a "cerial killer"

 How is it that a man who flunked high-school physics
 can explain what went wrong at NASA?

 How could Will Rogers say, "I never met a man I didn't like"?
 He never had to date one.

 Men who make it to Heaven are going to have a rude
 awakening when they find out two things:
 God is a woman...and she nailed down all of Heaven's
 toilet seats!

 Which of the following lines will do a better job of
 frightening a man away?
 1) Get away or I'll call the police!!!
 2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.

 If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for
 the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go
 to the bathroom.  Most of my husband's early films end
 with a scream and a flush.

 Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your
 heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next
 to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

 No man is charming all of the time.  Even Cary Grant is
 on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

 Men hate to lose.  I once beat my husband at tennis.  I
 asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?"  He said,
 "Yes, but not with each other."

 Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a
 problem.  "Get out" and "I never want to see you again"
 might sound like a challenge.  If you want to get rid of
 a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry
 you... I want to have your children."  Sometimes they
 leave skid  marks.

 When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels
 tight, she will assume she has gained weight.  When a man
 tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will
 assume the clothing has shrunk.

 Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.
 With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.
 Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive

 A bachelor is a cagey guy and has a load of fun; he sizes
 all the cuties up and never Mrs. One.

 Men piss like cheap cameras; they just aim and shoot.

 Few women admit their age.  Few men act theirs.

 Never hit a man with glasses.  Hit him with a baseball bat.

 90% of the men give the other 10% a bad name.

 The guy who said all men are created equal never went to
 a nudist colony.

 Here's a good putdown line for women:
 A man walks up and says haven't we met before?
 Say yes, I'm ?insert your name here>, the receptionist at
    the V.D. Clinic.

 Did you hear that Penthouse Magazine has just released a
 new magazine catered specifically to married men?
 (Scroll down for punchline.....)
 Yeah, it features the same centrefold month after month
 after month after month after ....

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #180
 They've invented a new morning-after birth control pill
 for men.  It changes the guy's blood-type.

From: KMACINTY on 09/05/2000 (S188)
 Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day.
 What do single guys have? Palm Sunday

From: RFSlick on 8/25/2001 (S239)
 What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men
 everywhere?  "Hold my purse."  -- Sandra Bullock

From: CatScratch on 10/22/2001 (S247)
 No man is ever completly worthless.
 He can at least be used as a bad example!

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/28/2001 (S248)
 "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to
 test a man's character, give him power."  -- Abraham Lincoln

From: dogbyte on 1/3/2002 (S258)
 Two sure ways to spot a REALLY sexy man:
 The first is, he has bad memory.
 I forgot the second.

From: dogbyte on 3/9/2002 (S267c)
 The Ajax man, the Maytag man ? Mr. Clean are all bachelors.
 That, my friends, is proof women prefer men who talk dirty!

From: LABLaughs.com on 3/26/2002 (S270c)
 If a man does his best, what else is there?
   -- General George S. Patton (1885-1945)

From: RFSlick on 8/25/2001 (S239)
 Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake
 entire relationships.  -- Sharon Stone

 Honesty is the key to a relationship.  If you can fake
 that, you're in.  -- Courteney Cox, as Monica on "Friends"

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/9/2002 (S271c)
 If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing
 neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by
 tying a noose around your neck?  -- Origin Unknown...

From: LABLaughs.com on 2/28/2003 (S317b)
 Anger is an expensive luxury in which only men of a
 certain income can indulge.

From: LABLaughs.com on 6/15/2003 (S333b)
 A man knows when he is growing old because he begins
 to look like his father.  -- Gabriel Garc?a M?rquez

From: LABLaughs.com on 7/22/2003 (S339b)
 Great and good are seldom the same man.
   -- Thomas Fuller (1608 - 1661)

From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366, S738)
 The male is a domestic animal which,
 if treated with firmness and kindness,
 can be trained to do most things.  -- Jilly Cooper

 I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
   -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/28/2004 (S414b)
 Man only learned to walk upright cause they put
 beer on the top shelf!

From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/21/2007 (S541b)
 "A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet
  must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself.
  What a man can be, he must be."  -- Abraham Maslow

From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/22/2007 (S541b)
 "The surprising thing about young fools is how many
  survive to become old fools."  -- Doug Larson

From: LABLaughsClean on 6/6/2009 (S648b)
 Midlife crisis is that moment when you realize your
 children and your clothes are about the same age.

From: gattica30 on 2/21/2010 (S684b)
 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
 If you see him without an erection,
    make him a sandwich.

Subj:     Question-Answers About Men (S184)

 For all of you (especially men) who like to send blonde jokes,
 paybacks are hell...

 Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
 A: The good ones are always taken and the ones left
    are handicapped  or extremely small.

 Q: What do men have in common with floor tiles?
 A: If you lay them properly to start with then
    you can walk all over them for ever.

 Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
 A: A padded headboard.

 Q: How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
 A: You marry him.

 Q: Why did God create man?
 A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

 Q: Why are cucumbers better than men?
 A: They can stay up all night and you don't
    have to sleep on the wet spot.

 Q: How are men like diplomas?
 A: You spend lots of time getting one, but once
    you have it, you don't know what to do with it.

 Q: How are a husband and a cat similar when it comes
    to housework?
 A: They're both afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

 Q: What's the difference between government bonds and men?
 A: Bonds mature.

 Q: What does a woman have to do to keep a man interested?
 A: Wear perfume that smells like beer.

 Q: When a woman gets married, she wants the 3 S's:
    sensitivity, sincerity, and sharing.  What does she get?
 A: The 3 B's: burps, body odor, and beer breath.

 Q: Why are men like commercials?
 A: You can't believe a word they say.

 Q: Why is food better than men?
 A: You don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

 Q: Why do so many women fake orgasm?
 A: Because so many men fake foreplay.

 Q: What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
 A: Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

 Q: Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
 A: They like being able to both eat and make love in
    under 5 minutes.

 Q: What is the difference between a sofa
    and a man watching Monday Night Football?
 A: The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

 Q: What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
 A: A hot dog and a six pack.

 Q: How are boyfriends like cockroaches?
 A: They hang around the kitchen and it's hard to get
    rid of them.

 Q: What piece of furniture was named after the typical man?
 A: The La-Z-Boy recliner.

 Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on
    the second date?
 A: Slow.

 Q: How do you get a man to come when you call?
 A: Ask him if he wants some food.

 Q: How do you get a man to leave when you want?
 A: Ask him about his feelings.

 Q: What do you do if your bank account stops working?
 A: Throw the guy out of the house.

 Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
 A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

 Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a wall?
 A: It depends how thinly you slice them.

 Q: Why don't single girls fart?
 A: Because they don't have arseholes until they get married.

 Q: What do you have when you have two little balls
    in your hand?
 A: A man's undivided attention

 Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
 A: You don't know when he's coming, how many inches
    you'll get or how long it will last.

 Q: How do men sort their laundry?
 A: "Filthy", and "Filthy, but wearable"

 Q: What does the toilet seat, your birthday
    and the G-Spot all have in common?
 A: Men missed them all. (S134)

 Q: Why was the male bubble chasing the female bubble?
 A: Because he wanted to see her bust.

 Q: What do men and toilets have in common ??
 A: They are either occupied or full of shit ..

 Q: What would men do if women became extinct?
 A: Domesticate another animal.

 Q: Real estate man:  Would you like to see a model home?
 A: Man:  I sure would, when does she get off work?

 Q: Why were men given larger brains then dogs?
 A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties

 Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
 A: Nobody knows... It's never been done.

 Q: Have you heard about the morning after pill for men?
 A: It changes your blood type.

 Q: Why don't men have to use toilet paper?
 A: God made them perfect arseholes.

 Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
 A: He is breathing.

 Q: What is man's idea of foreplay?
 A: Half an hour of begging.

 Q: How many men does it take to screw a lightbulb?
 A: One.  Men will screw anything.

 Q: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
 A: Four.  One to actually change it, and 3 friends to brag to
    about how he screwed it.

 Q: How many male chauvenist pigs does it take to change
    a lightbulb?
 A: None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.

 Q: What do men and beer bottles have in common?
 A: They are both empty from the neck up.

 Q: Whats the diference between men and ET?
 A: ET phoned home.

 Q: What's have smoked salmon and blow jobs got in common?
 A: You don't get either at home.

 Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
 A: Breasts don't have eyes.

 Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman
    and a single 40-year-old man?
 A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children
    and the man thinks often about dating them.

From: Octagon999 on 97-11-07
 Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world
    does it take to do the dishes?
 A: Both of them.

 Q: What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
 A: A candlelit rugby stadium.

 Q: What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
 A: One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching it's ass
    and the other's a chimpanzee.

 Q: Why did the man cross the road?
 A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

 Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
 A: They don't have time.

 Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
 A: They won't stop to ask directions!

 Q: What does PMS stand for?
 A: Putting (up with) Men's Stupidity

 Q: What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common?
 A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the
    husbands who end up playing with them!

 Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
 A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock

 Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
 A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming
    a human being.

 Q: Why did god make man before woman?
 A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy

From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98
 Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
 A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it
    to the couch.

From: dmswitzer on 98-03-30
 Q: Why is it hard for a women to find men who are
    sensitive, caring, and good looking?
 A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #104 on 98-04-29
 Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
 A: When the power goes off...

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #309 on 6/24/99 (S126b)
 Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths?
 A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

From: thebartend on 6/9/00 (S175)
 Q: How do men define a "50/50"  relationship?
 A: We cook - they eat; we clean - they dirty ; we iron -
    they wrinkle.

 Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 A: ONE - He just holds it up there and waits for the
    world to revolve around him.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #34 on 98-02-04
 Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 A: One. Men will screw anything.

 Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 A: None, the sockets go with the house.

From: RFSlick on 8/7/00
 Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
 A: He buys two cases of beer.

 Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
 A: So men can remember them.

 Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her
    husband is every night?
 A: A widow.

 Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
 A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and
    go to bed.  Married women come home, see what's in
    bed and go to the fridge.

 Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars
    have in common?
 A: They're married.

From: gheckman on 2/9/2002 (S263)
 Q: What should you do when you see ex-husband rolling
    around in pain on the ground?
 A: Shoot him again.

 Q: Why do little boys have to show off in front of
    other little boys?
 A: They're practicing to be men.

 Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
 A: Trustworthy.

 Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping
    for breath and calling your name?
 A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

 Q: Why do doctor's slap babies' butts right after they're born?
 A: To knock the penises off the smart ones.

 Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
 A: Put a six-pack and a naked woman in front of him and
    ask him to choose just one.

 Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
 A: They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch.

 Q: Why do men whistle while they're on the toilet?
 A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

 Q: What is the difference between men and women?
 A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.  A man
    wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

 Q: How does a man keep his youth?
 A: By giving her money, diamonds, and furs.

 Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
 A: Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manuals."

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/19/2005 (S438b - phone)
 Q: There are more collect calls on this day than
    any other day of the year?
 A: Father's Day

From: CKButch4Femme on 6/28/2005 (S440b)
 Q: What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
 A: One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

                           -(o o)-
.............................Hungary Smiley from Smiley_Central.