Subj: Men4 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 180 jokes and articles)
Viking from
Millanimations
| >>>
Subj: Men4 Jokes (Gz) (Includes 180 jokes and articles) |
|
Viking from Millanimations |
The MEN1 file contains men jokes.
The MEN2&3 file contains tests
and silly stuff.
The MEN4 file contains Quotes, one-liners,
short jokes, & question-answers.
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| Subj:
Fantasy Drean Girl (S563b)
From: darrellvip on 11/6/2007 |
 |
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Subj: The
Homeless Man (S450)
From: flovilla on 8/29/2005
(Also see 'Husband Meets
A Bum' in MARRIAGE3)
A man was walking down the street
when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless man who asked
him for a couple of dollars
for dinner. The man took out his
wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy some beer
with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless
man said. "I need everything I
can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens
fees at a golf course instead of
food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless
man. "I haven't played golf
in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on
a woman in the red light district
instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for
ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the
homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not
going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you
home for a terrific dinner cooked
by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with
you for doing that? I know I'm
dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay.
I just want her to see what a man
looks like who has given up
beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
\\\//
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Subj: New
Evening Class For Men (S338b)
Note: Due to the complexity and
level of difficulty,
each course will accept a maximum
of eight
participants each. Sign up early
and get a discount on
registration.
1. How to fill ice-cube trays.
Step by step with slide
presentation.
2. Toilet paper: Do they grow
on the holders?
Roundtable
discussion.
3. Differences between the laundry
basket and the
floor. Practicing
with hamper. Pictures and graphics.
4. The after-dinner dishes and
silverware: Can they
levitate
and fly into kitchen sink or dishwasher?
Debate among
panel of experts.
5. Loss of Virility: Losing
the remote control to your
significant
other. Help line and support groups.
6. Learning how to find things,
starting with looking
in the right
place instead of turning the house upside
down while
screaming. Open forum.
7. Health watch: Bringing her
flowers is NOT harmful
to your health.
PowerPoint presentation.
8. Real men ask for directions
when lost. Real-life
testimonials.
9. Is it genetically impossible
to sit quietly as she
parallel
parks? Driving simulation.
10. Living with Adults: Basic
differences between your
mother and
your wife. Online class and role playing.
11. How to be the ideal shopping
companion. Relaxation
exercises,
meditation and breathing techniques.
12. Remembering birthdays, anniversaries,
other
important
dates and calling when you're going to be
late. Bring
your calendar or PDA to class.
13. Getting Over It. Learning
to live with being wrong
all the time.
Individual counselors available.
\\\//
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Subj: Hormone
Hostage (S297b)
From: coreymac on 10/11/2002
Every "Hormone Hostage" knows
that there are days in the
month when all a man has to
do is open his mouth and he
takes his life in his hands.
This is a handy guide that
should be as common as a driver's
license in the wallet
of every husband, boyfriend
or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like
to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in
brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked
up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating
that?
SAFER: You know, there are a
lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass
of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all
day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo
it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you
in that robe.
\\\//
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Subj: Cute,
Handsome And Ugly Men (S204)
From: gheckman on 11/18/2000
This is so true. Women are supposed to be some big mystery...NOT!
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are
gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual
men are married. The men
who are not so
handsome but are nice men have no money.
The men who are not so handsome
but are nice men with money
think we are only
after their money.
The handsome men without money
are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not
so nice and somewhat hetero-
sexual don't think
we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful,
that are heterosexual,
somewhat nice and
have money are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome,
somewhat nice and have
some money and
thank God are heterosexual are shy and
NEVER MAKE THE
FIRST MOVE!!!!!
The men who never make the first
move, automatically lose
interest in us
when we take the initiative.
NOW... WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS
MEN?
\\\//
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Subj: Men's
Life Cycle (S178, S498b)
From: ICohen on 6/26/00
and
From: fischer-j on 8/3/2006
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate
girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate
girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency,
she was a drama queen, cried all
the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl
with some stability.
When I was 25 I found a very
stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable
and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided
I needed a girl with some
excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting
girl, but I couldn't keep up
with her. She rushed from one
thing to another, never settling
on anything. She did mad
impetuous things and flirted with
everyone she met. She
made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially
and very energetic, but direction-
less. So I decided to find a
girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart
ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground
and married her. She was so
ambitious that she divorced
me and took everything I owned.
Now I am 40 and all I want is a girl with big tits.
\\\//
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Subj: Things
Men Know (S137)
From: gsm on 09/15/1999
Men know that Mother Nature's
best aphrodisiac
is still a naked woman.
Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's
way of telling
you to get out of the house.
Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.
Men know that there are at least
three sides to every
story: his, hers, and the truth.
Men know never to run away from
a fight
that you know you can win.
Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.
Men know how to change the toilet
paper, but to do so
would ruin the game.
Men know exactly how much gas
is left in the tank
and how far that gas will get
them.
Men know that from time to time,
it is absolutely
necessary to adjust oneself.
Men know that a woman will wear
a low-cut dress and
expect the man to stare at her
cleavage. Men also
know that the woman will get
pissed off when they do,
for reasons not totally clear
to them.
Men know that the reason men
don't like cats is because
they don't know how to cook
them.
Men know that there is no such
thing as a sure thing,
unless her name is Tracy...
Men know that it's never a good
idea to tell your
father-in-law how good his daughter
is in bed.
Men know that men are from here,
and women are from
way the hell over there.
\\\//
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Subj: True
Facts About Men (S324b)
From: RFSlick on 3/31/2003
Some REALLY, REALLY TRUE Facts About MEN
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
If you buy your husband or boyfriend
a video camera, for
the first few weeks he has it,
lock the door when you go
to the bathroom. Most
of my husband's early films ended
with a scream and a flush.
Men are very confident people.
My husband is so confident
that when he watches sports
on television, he thinks that
if he concentrates he can help
his team. If the team is
in trouble, he coaches the players
from our living room,
and if they're really in trouble,
I have to get off the
phone in case they call him.
Men love watches with multiple
functions. My husband has
one that is a combination address
book, telescope and piano.
Men are brave enough to go to
war, but they are not brave
enough to get a bikini wax.
Men don't get cellulite. God
might just be a man.
Most men hate to shop.
That's why the men's department is
usually on the first floor of
a department store, two inches
from the door.
Men hate to lose. I once
beat my husband at tennis. I
asked him, "Are we going to
have sex again?" He said,
"Yes, but not with each other."
Getting rid of a man without
hurting his masculinity is a
problem. "Get out" and "I never
want to see you again"
might sound like a challenge.
If you want to get rid of
a man, I suggest saying, "I
love you... I want to marry
you... I want to have your children."
Sometimes they
leave skid marks.
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
When a woman tries on clothing
from her closet that feels
tight, she will assume she has
gained weight. When a man
tries something from his closet
that feels tight, he will
assume the clothing has shrunk.
Male menopause is a lot more
fun than female menopause.
With female menopause you gain
weight and get hot flashes.
Male menopause - you get to
date young girls and drive
motorcycles.
Men forget everything; women
remember everything. That's
why men need instant replays
in sports. They've already
forgotten what happened.
Men would like monogamy better
if it sounded less like
monotony.
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Subj: Quotations
About Men
An empty man is full of himself. - Edward Abbey
You can't belay a man who's falling in love. - Edward Abbey
My success has allowed me to
strike out with a higher class of women.
- Woody Allen
To love is to suffer. To
avoid suffering, one must not love.
But then, one suffers from not
loving. Therefore,
to love is to suffer; not to
love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer.
To be happy is to love.
To be happy, then, is to suffer,
but suffering makes one unhappy.
Therefore, to be happy,
one must love or love to suffer
or suffer from too much happiness.
- Woody Allen
If man evolved from the ape,
how come there are still apes around?
Some of them were given choices.
- Johnny Hart's comic strip "B. C."
The desire of a man for a woman
is not directed at her because
she is a human being, but because
she is a woman.
That she is a human being is
of no concern to him. - Immanuel Kant
Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. - Jayne Mansfield
Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
Variation: Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
A man in the house is worth two in the street. - Mae West
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. - Mae West
I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported. - Mae West
It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men. - Mae West
Man makes plans, God laughs. - the Koran
From: kaiser on 98-04-20
By temperament, which is the
real law of God, many men are goats and
can't help committing adultery
when they get a chance; whereas there are
numbers of men who, by temperament,
can keep their purity and let an
opportunity go by if the woman
lacks in attractiveness.
- Letters from the Earth by
Mark Twain
From: auntieg 98-10-26 (S91)
"Men are like fine wine. They
all start out like grapes, and it's
our job to stomp on them and
keep them in the dark until they
mature into something with which
you'd like to have dinner with"
From: auntieg on 98-12-09
Charisma: that mysterious
something that bald,
dull billionaires have.
-- Sam Ewing
From: LABLaughsClean on 10/27/2004
(S406b)
Don't imagine you can change
a man - unless he's in diapers.
From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 2/16/2007
(S526b)
"A mother takes twenty years
to make a man of her boy, and
another woman makes a fool
of him in twenty minutes."
-- Robert Frost
From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 5/14/2007
(S539b)
"Boys will be boys, and so will
a lot of middle-aged men."
-- Kin Hubbard
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Subj: One-liners
And Short Jokes About Men
| Subj:
Concentration Test For Men (S592b)
From: gattica30 on 5/18/2008 (in Test-Supp) Source: http://www.concentrationtest.com/for_women/ |
 |
Try to follow the hidden ball.
You can play this cute
game at the above source, or
on an Excel Worksheet on
my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
The source also has concentration
tests for women,
lesbians, and gays.
 |
Subj:
The Man Song (S580b)
From: tom on 2/25/2008 |
| Subj:
What Every Man Wants In Bed (S572c)
From: tom on 1/2/2008 |
 |
 |
Subj:
When Neighbors Don't Get Along (S490b)
From: darrell94590 on 6/14/2006 |
| Subj:
Man's Two Favorite Things (S366b)
From: drgolfmd on 1/28/2004 |
 |
Top
Subj: Man
Song 2 (S293b)
From: tnkr on 9/11/2002
Go out to
http://www.gotlaughs.com/humor/mansong2.shtml
on the internet. It's
very funny
Top
Subj: Why
Men Get Out Of Bed (S237b, S515)
From: KMACINTY on 8/15/2001
A recent survey was conducted
to discover why men get out
of bed in the middle of the
night. 5% said it was to get
a glass of water, 12% said it
was to go the toilet, 83%
said it was to go home.
Top
Subj: The
Worry Wort (S222)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/1/2001
Tom had been a compulsive worrier
for years until he found
a way to overcome this problem.
His friends noticed the
dramatic change. "You don't
seem to be worried about any-
thing anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier
for $1000.00 a week, "Tom
replied. "I haven't had a single
qualm since."
"A thousand a week!" said Doug.
"How are you going to pay
him?"
"That's his problem."
Top
Subj: Types
Of Men (S183)
From: mbucher on 7/29/00
There are three kinds of men.
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of us have to pee on
the electric fence for
themselves.
Top
Subj: Men
Are Like... (S143)
Men are like toilets.
Either vacant, engaged, or
full of crap.
Men are like dog turds; the older
they get,
the easier they
are to pick up.
Men are like computers...hard
to figure out and
never have enough
memory.
Men are like chocolate bars....sweet,
smooth,
and they usually
head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee....the best
ones are rich, warm,
and can keep you
up all night long.
Men are like department stores....
their clothes should
always be half off.
Men are like vacations....they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like horoscopes....they
always tell you what to do
and are usually
wrong.
From: FrankRoesc on 10/28/1999
Men are like pantyhose....they
either cling, run or don't
fit right in the
crotch!
From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/21/2004
(S405b)
Men are like cement.... after
getting laid,
they take a long
time to get hard.
Top
Subj: Three
Guys Discuss Controling Wives (S215)
From: thebartend on 3/14/2001
There were three guys talking
in the pub. Two of them are
talking about the amount of
control they have over their
wives, while the third remains
quiet.
After a while one of the first
two turns to the third and
says, "Well, what about you,
what sort of control do you
have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll
tell you. Just the other
night my wife came to me on
her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed.
"Wow! What happened then?"
they asked.
The third man took a healthy
swallow of his beer, sighed
and uttered, "She said, 'Get
out from under the bed and
fight like a man.'"
Top
Subj: Three
Guys At A Strip Joint (S53)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #225 on 98-01-24
The other day, my friends and
I went to this "Gentlemen's
Club." One of my buddies
wanted to impress us, so he pulls
out a $10 bill. The "dancer"
came over to us, and my friend
licked the $10 and put it on
her butt.
Not to be outdone, my other friend
pulls out a $50 bill. He
calls the girl back over, licks
the $50, and puts it on her
other cheek. Now the attention
is focused on me. What
could I do to top that? I got
out my wallet, thought for a
minute.....then the banker in
me took over.
I got out my ATM card, swiped
it down her crack, grabbed the
60 bucks, and went home.
Top
Subj: Three
Guys Argue About Memory (S110)
From: scott_pryor on 99-03-08
Three guys are debating who
has the best memory.
First guy says, "I can remember
the first day of my First
Grade class."
Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
Not to be outdone, the third
guy says, "Hell, that's nothing.
I can remember going to the
senior prom with my father, and
coming home with my mother."
Top
Subj: Quotes
And Small Jokes For Men
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98
I married Miss Right. I just
didn't know her first name was
Always.
It's not true that married men
live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend:
"I had it all - money,
a beautiful house, a big car,
the love of a beautiful woman;
then, Pow! It was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."
Married men revealed that they
do this twice as often as
single men. Change their
underwear.
Some Men are pee pee shy in public.
Experts agree that this
will help them go.
Multiply numbers in their head.
A man rushes into his house and
yells to his wife, "Honey,
pack up your things! I
just won the California lottery!"
She replies, "Shall I pack for
warm weather or cold?" The
man responds, "I don't care.
Just get the hell out!"
Women will never be equal to
men until they can
walk down the street bald and
still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for
18 months-I don't like to
interrupt her.
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
If your wife and a lawyer were
drowning and you had to
choose, would you go to lunch
or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he
is married. After that, he
is finished.
Wife: Let's
go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get
home before I do, leave the
hallway light on.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #100 on 98-04-22
Tell a man that there are 400
billion stars, and he'll
believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint,
and he has to touch it.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #307 on 6/18/99
All men are animals, some just
make better pets.
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
From: DrRibeiro on 8/2/99 (S131B)
If a man says something in the
woods and
there are no women there, is
he still wrong?
Man is the king of his castle
A king is a ruler
A ruler is 12 inches
Still think you're a man?
Did you hear that a man was found
floating in the river
with a banana stuck up his butt
and a mouthfull of cornflakes?
They think it was a "cerial
killer"
How is it that a man who flunked
high-school physics
can explain what went wrong
at NASA?
How could Will Rogers say, "I
never met a man I didn't like"?
He never had to date one.
Men who make it to Heaven are
going to have a rude
awakening when they find out
two things:
God is a woman...and she nailed
down all of Heaven's
toilet seats!
Which of the following lines
will do a better job of
frightening a man away?
1) Get away or I'll call the
police!!!
2) I love you and want to marry
you and have your children.
If you buy your husband or boyfriend
a video camera, for
the first few weeks he has it,
lock the door when you go
to the bathroom. Most
of my husband's early films end
with a scream and a flush.
Men have higher body temperatures
than women. If your
heating goes out in winter,
I recommend sleeping next
to a man. Men are like portable
heaters that snore.
No man is charming all of the
time. Even Cary Grant is
on record saying he wished he
could be Cary Grant.
Men hate to lose. I once
beat my husband at tennis. I
asked him, "Are we going to
have sex again?" He said,
"Yes, but not with each other."
Getting rid of a man without
hurting his masculinity is a
problem. "Get out" and
"I never want to see you again"
might sound like a challenge.
If you want to get rid of
a man, I suggest saying, "I
love you... I want to marry
you... I want to have your children."
Sometimes they
leave skid marks.
When a woman tries on clothing
from her closet that feels
tight, she will assume she has
gained weight. When a man
tries something from his closet
that feels tight, he will
assume the clothing has shrunk.
Male menopause is a lot more
fun than female menopause.
With female menopause you gain
weight and get hot flashes.
Male menopause - you get to
date young girls and drive
motorcycles.
A bachelor is a cagey guy and
has a load of fun; he sizes
all the cuties up and never
Mrs. One.
Men piss like cheap cameras; they just aim and shoot.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
90% of the men give the other 10% a bad name.
The guy who said all men are
created equal never went to
a nudist colony.
Here's a good putdown line for
women:
A man walks up and says haven't
we met before?
Say yes, I'm <insert your
name here>, the receptionist at
the V.D. Clinic.
Did you hear that Penthouse Magazine
has just released a
new magazine catered specifically
to married men?
(Scroll down for punchline.....)
Yeah, it features the same centrefold
month after month
after month after month after
....
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #180
They've invented a new morning-after
birth control pill
for men. It changes the
guy's blood-type.
From: KMACINTY on 09/05/2000 (S188)
Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's
have Father's Day.
What do single guys have? Palm
Sunday
From: RFSlick on 8/25/2001 (S239)
What are the three words guaranteed
to humiliate men
everywhere? "Hold my purse."
-- Sandra Bullock
From: CatScratch on 10/22/2001 (S247)
No man is ever completly worthless.
He can at least be used as a
bad example!
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/28/2001
(S248)
"Nearly all men can stand adversity,
but if you want to
test a man's character, give
him power." -- Abraham Lincoln
From: dogbyte on 1/3/2002 (S258)
Two sure ways to spot a REALLY
sexy man:
The first is, he has bad memory.
I forgot the second.
From: dogbyte on 3/9/2002 (S267c)
The Ajax man, the Maytag man
& Mr. Clean are all bachelors.
That, my friends, is proof women
prefer men who talk dirty!
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/26/2002 (S270c)
If a man does his best, what
else is there?
-- General George S.
Patton (1885-1945)
From: RFSlick on 8/25/2001 (S239)
Women might be able to fake
orgasms, but men can fake
entire relationships.
-- Sharon Stone
Honesty is the key to a relationship.
If you can fake
that, you're in. -- Courteney
Cox, as Monica on "Friends"
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/9/2002 (S271c)
If men can run the world, why
can't they stop wearing
neckties? How intelligent is
it to start the day by
tying a noose around your neck?
-- Origin Unknown...
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/28/2003 (S317b)
Anger is an expensive luxury
in which only men of a
certain income can indulge.
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/15/2003 (S333b)
A man knows when he is growing
old because he begins
to look like his father.
-- Gabriel García Márquez
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/22/2003 (S339b)
Great and good are seldom the
same man.
-- Thomas Fuller (1608
- 1661)
From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
The male is a domestic animal
which,
if treated with firmness and
kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
-- Jilly Cooper
I never hated a man enough to
give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/28/2004
(S414b)
Man only learned to walk upright
cause they put
beer on the top shelf!
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/21/2007 (S541b)
"A musician must make music,
an artist must paint, a poet
must write, if he is to be
ultimately at peace with himself.
What a man can be, he must
be." -- Abraham Maslow
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/22/2007
(S541b)
"The surprising thing about
young fools is how many
survive to become old fools."
-- Doug Larson
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Subj: Question-Answers
About Men (S184)
For all of you (especially men)
who like to send blonde jokes,
paybacks are hell...
Q: How are men and parking spots
alike?
A: The good ones are always
taken and the ones left
are handicapped
or extremely small.
Q: What do men have in common
with floor tiles?
A: If you lay them properly
to start with then
you can walk all
over them for ever.
Q: What is a man's view of safe
sex?
A: A padded headboard.
Q: How do you keep a man from
wanting sex?
A: You marry him.
Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because a vibrator can't
mow the lawn.
Q: Why are cucumbers better than
men?
A: They can stay up all night
and you don't
have to sleep on
the wet spot.
Q: How are men like diplomas?
A: You spend lots of time getting
one, but once
you have it, you
don't know what to do with it.
Q: How are a husband and a cat
similar when it comes
to housework?
A: They're both afraid of the
vacuum cleaner.
Q: What's the difference between
government bonds and men?
A: Bonds mature.
Q: What does a woman have to
do to keep a man interested?
A: Wear perfume that smells
like beer.
Q: When a woman gets married,
she wants the 3 S's:
sensitivity, sincerity,
and sharing. What does she get?
A: The 3 B's: burps, body odor,
and beer breath.
Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word
they say.
Q: Why is food better than men?
A: You don't have to wait an
hour for seconds.
Q: Why do so many women fake
orgasm?
A: Because so many men fake
foreplay.
Q: What's the difference between
a bar and a clitoris?
A: Most men have no trouble
finding a bar.
Q: Why do men like frozen microwave
dinners so much?
A: They like being able to both
eat and make love in
under 5 minutes.
Q: What is the difference between
a sofa
and a man watching
Monday Night Football?
A: The sofa doesn't keep asking
for beer.
Q: What does a man consider to
be a seven course meal?
A: A hot dog and a six pack.
Q: How are boyfriends like cockroaches?
A: They hang around the kitchen
and it's hard to get
rid of them.
Q: What piece of furniture was
named after the typical man?
A: The La-Z-Boy recliner.
Q: What do you call a man who
expects to have sex on
the second date?
A: Slow.
Q: How do you get a man to come
when you call?
A: Ask him if he wants some
food.
Q: How do you get a man to leave
when you want?
A: Ask him about his feelings.
Q: What do you do if your bank
account stops working?
A: Throw the guy out of the
house.
Q: What is the difference between
men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men
when they drink.
Q: How many men does it take
to wallpaper a wall?
A: It depends how thinly you
slice them.
Q: Why don't single girls fart?
A: Because they don't have arseholes
until they get married.
Q: What do you have when you
have two little balls
in your hand?
A: A man's undivided attention
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You don't know when he's
coming, how many inches
you'll get or how
long it will last.
Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy", and "Filthy, but
wearable"
Q: What does the toilet seat,
your birthday
and the G-Spot
all have in common?
A: Men missed them all. (S134)
Q: Why was the male bubble chasing
the female bubble?
A: Because he wanted to see
her bust.
Q: What do men and toilets have
in common ??
A: They are either occupied
or full of shit ..
Q: What would men do if women
became extinct?
A: Domesticate another animal.
Q: Real estate man: Would
you like to see a model home?
A: Man: I sure would,
when does she get off work?
Q: Why were men given larger
brains then dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's
legs at cocktail parties
Q: How many men does it take
to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: Nobody knows... It's never
been done.
Q: Have you heard about the morning
after pill for men?
A: It changes your blood type.
Q: Why don't men have to use
toilet paper?
A: God made them perfect arseholes.
Q: How can you tell if a man
is sexually excited?
A: He is breathing.
Q: What is man's idea of foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging.
Q: How many men does it take
to screw a lightbulb?
A: One. Men will screw
anything.
Q: How many men does it take
to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to actually
change it, and 3 friends to brag to
about how he screwed
it.
Q: How many male chauvenist pigs
does it take to change
a lightbulb?
A: None. Let the bitch cook
in the dark.
Q: What do men and beer bottles
have in common?
A: They are both empty from
the neck up.
Q: Whats the diference between
men and ET?
A: ET phoned home.
Q: What's have smoked salmon
and blow jobs got in common?
A: You don't get either at home.
Q: Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: What is the difference between
a single 40-year-old woman
and a single 40-year-old
man?
A: The 40-year-old woman thinks
often of having children
and the man thinks
often about dating them.
From: Octagon999 on 97-11-07
Q: How many honest, intelligent,
caring men in the world
does it take to
do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: What's a man's idea of a romantic
evening?
A: A candlelit rugby stadium.
Q: What's the difference between
a man and a chimpanzee?
A: One is hairy, smelly and
is always scratching it's ass
and the other's
a chimpanzee.
Q: Why did the man cross the
road?
A: He heard the chicken was
a slut.
Q: Why don't women blink during
foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
Q: Why does it take 1 million
sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!
Q: What does PMS stand for?
A: Putting (up with) Men's Stupidity
Q: What do electric toy trains
and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended
for the children, but it's the
husbands who end
up playing with them!
Q: Why do men snore when they
lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall
over their asshole and they vapor lock
Q: What do men and sperm have
in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million
chance of becoming
a human being.
Q: Why did god make man before
woman?
A: You need a rough draft before
you have a final copy
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98
Q: How many men does it take
to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened
by the time she brings it
to the couch.
From: dmswitzer on 98-03-30
Q: Why is it hard for a women
to find men who are
sensitive, caring,
and good looking?
A: Because those men already
have boyfriends.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #104 on 98-04-29
Q: What is the only time a man
thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off...
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #309 on 6/24/99
(S126b)
Q: Why do men take showers instead
of baths?
A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
From: thebartend on 6/9/00 (S175)
Q: How do men define a "50/50"
relationship?
A: We cook - they eat; we clean
- they dirty ; we iron -
they wrinkle.
Q: How many men does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: ONE - He just holds it up
there and waits for the
world to revolve
around him.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #34 on 98-02-04
Q: How many men does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything.
Q: How many divorced men does
it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the sockets go with
the house.
From: RFSlick on 8/7/00
Q: How does a man show that
he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.
Q: What do you call a woman who
knows where her
husband is every
night?
A: A widow.
Q: Why are married women heavier
than single women?
A: Single women come home, see
what's in the fridge and
go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in
bed and go to the
fridge.
Q: What is the one thing that
all men at singles bars
have in common?
A: They're married.
From: gheckman on 2/9/2002 (S263)
Q: What should you do when you
see ex-husband rolling
around in pain
on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.
Q: Why do little boys have to
show off in front of
other little boys?
A: They're practicing to be
men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed
man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man
is in your bed gasping
for breath and
calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow
down long enough.
Q: Why do doctor's slap babies'
butts right after they're born?
A: To knock the penises off
the smart ones.
Q: What's the best way to kill
a man?
A: Put a six-pack and a naked
woman in front of him and
ask him to choose
just one.
Q: What do men and pantyhose
have in common?
A: They either cling, run, or
don't fit right in the crotch.
Q: Why do men whistle while they're
on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember
which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between
men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to
satisfy her every need. A man
wants every woman
to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, diamonds,
and furs.
Q: How do you keep your husband
from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to
"Instruction Manuals."
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/19/2005
(S438b - phone)
Q: There are more collect calls
on this day than
any other day of
the year?
A: Father's Day
From: CKButch4Femme on 6/28/2005 (S440b)
Q: What is the difference between
a man and a catfish?
A: One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker
and the other is a fish.
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