Subj: Mothers-Supp Jokes (Gz-m2)
(Includes 22 jokes and articles)
Mom Walking from
Josephs Free Stuff
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Subj: Mothers-Supp Jokes (Gz-m2) (Includes 22 jokes and articles) |
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Mom Walking from Josephs Free Stuff |
| Subj:
Mother's Words (S560)
From: rfslick on 10/7/2007 |
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Subj: Mothers
And Living Through Pain (S591b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 5/10/2008
As I looked up at my Mom’s picture
hanging above my desk
today, I realized that it is
now almost 15 years since
her death. Thankfully, over
the years the pain and sense
of loss have eased while the
memories of her life and her
love have remained. I can still
feel her presence as I
write this. I am sure that she
is not only smiling down
on me from her picture on the
wall, but from Heaven as
well. I only wish she hadn’t
left us quite so soon.
The great teacher, author, and
speaker Leo Buscaglia said
that he was often asked by his
classes why we have to go
through pain, suffering, and
even death. He stated that
he never did find out why, but
at some point in his life
he stopped asking the questions
and started living the
answers. "That", he said, "made
all the difference."
How do we live the answers? I
think we do so by choosing
love, joy, and oneness with
God everyday of our lives. We
do so through pain as well as
comfort. We do so through
suffering as well as happiness.
We do so even in the face
of death. Some of the wisest,
gentlest, kindest, most
loving, and most joyous people
I have ever known are those
who have suffered the most.
The only difference is that
they used that suffering to
help them to grow into the
people God wanted them to be.
What good is pain, suffering,
and even death if we don’t
use them to grow more loving,
more giving, more compassionate,
more peaceful, more joyous,
and more at one with God? I think
my Mother knew this as she battled
cancer in her final years
and faced death at such an early
age. She blessed us all with
her love, her joy, and her gentle
laughter right up until her
dying day. I only hope and pray
that I can live my own answers
as beautifully and wonderfully
as she lived hers. May all of
you lovingly live your own answers
then in this life and in
the next.
…..Joseph J. Mazzella
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Subj: A Mother's
Day Poem (S590c)
From: rfslick on 5/11/2008
Your Mother is always with you.
She's the whisper of the leaves
as you walk down the street,
she's the smell of certain foods you remember,
flowers you pick, and perfume that she wore.
She's the cool hand on your
brow when you're not feeling well.
She's your breath
in the air on a cold winter's day.
She is the sound
of the rain that lulls you to sleep,
the colors
of a rainbow, she is Christmas morning.
Your Mother lives inside your laughter.
She is crystallized in every tear drop.
A mother shows every emotion...
happiness,
sadness, fear, jealousy, love, hate, anger,
helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow
...and
all the while, hoping and praying you will
only know the good feelings in life.
She's the place you came from, your first home, and
she's the map you follow with every step you take.
She's your first love, your
first friend, even your first enemy,
but nothing on earth can separate you.
Not time, not space.......not even death!
Happy Mothers Day
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Subj: "Why
My Lips Stayed Chapped On Mother's Day" (S542)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/11/2007
So, we had this great 10 year
old cat named Jack who just
recently died. Jack was
a great cat and the kids would
carry him around and sit on
him and nothing ever bothered
him. He used to hang out
and nap all day long on this mat
in our bathroom.
Well we have 3 kids and at the
time of this story they were
4 years old, 3 years old and
1 year old. The middle one is
Eli. Eli really loves
chap stick. LOVES it. He kept
asking to use my chap stick
and then losing it. So finally
one day I showed him where in
the bathroom I keep my chap
stick and how he could use it
whenever he wanted to but he
needed to put it right back
in the drawer when he was done.
Last year on Mother's Day, we
were having the typical rush
around and try to get ready
for Church with everyone crying
and carrying on. My two
boys are fighting over the toy in
the cereal box. I am trying
to nurse my little one at the
same time I am putting on my
make-up. Everything is a mess
and everyone has long forgotten
that this is a wonderful
day to honor me and the amazing
job that is motherhood. We
finally have the older one and
the baby loaded in the car
and I am looking for Eli.
I have searched everywhere and
I finally rounded the corner
to go into the bathroom.
And there was Eli. He was applying
my chap stick very care fully
to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli
looked right into my eyes and
said "chapped." Now if you
have a cat, you know that he
is right-- their little butts
do look pretty chapped.
And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to
mind. And the only question
to really ask at that point
was whether it was the FIRST
time Eli had done that to the
cat's behind or the hundredth.
And THAT is my favorite Mother's
Day moment ever because it
reminds us that no matter how
hard we try to civilize these
glorious little creatures, there
will always be that day
when you realize they've been
using your chap stick on the
cat's butt. It is hard
to tell what I've put on/in my mouth
after raising 4 kids and 3 of
them boys !!!!! Ha Ha.
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Subj: "Mom,
Where Did I Come From?" (S537)
by Bonnie A. Adkins from Memphis, Tennessee
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 5/4/200
True Story.
Being a single mother, I wanted
to do everything perfectly
when it came to raising my son.
One day, he came to me
with the age-old question...."Mom,
where did I come from?"
Since I considered myself a
fairly hip, enlightened woman,
I immediately stopped what I
was doing and sat down with
my six-year old child to begin
the oh-so important explan-
ation about the birds and the
bees. I navigated, fairly
cleverly I thought, through
the basics, explaining what I
believed a six-year old would
understand. He listened
intently, his eyes never leaving
my face, never once
interrupting me and seemingly
very interested in what I
had to say.
I was feeling quite proud of
myself, feeling as though I
had met and managed a milestone
in the "motherhood" depart-
ment. My pleasure with
my success was short-lived, however,
when my son looked directly
at me, his head cocked slightly
to one side and said "No, mom
not sex. I mean like Lisa came
from Pensacola, where did I
come from?"
You just never really know what
is going on in their little
minds, do you??
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Subj: The
Mommy Test (S526b)
From: darrell94590 on 2/19/2007
I was out walking with my 4 year
old daughter. She picked
up something off the ground
and started to put it in her
mouth. I took the item
away from her and I asked her not
to do that. "Why?" my daughter
asked.
"Because it's been laying outside,
you don't know where it's
been, it's dirty and probably
has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked
at me with total admiration
and asked, "Wow! How do you
know all this stuff?" "Uh,"
I was thinking quickly, "All
moms know this stuff. It's on
the Mommy Test. You have
to know it, or they don't let you
be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for
2 or 3 minutes, but she was
evidently pondering this new
information. "OH...I get it!"
she beamed, "So if you don't
pass the test you have to be
the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with
a big smile on my face and
joy in my heart.
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Subj: Our
Drug Problem! (S512c)
From: darrell94590 on 11/7/2006
God bless mothers who drugged us!
The other day, someone at a store
in our town read that a
methamphetamine lab had been
found in an old farmhouse in
the adjoining county and he
asked me a rhetorical question,
''Why didn't we have a drug
problem when you and I were
growing up?''
I replied: I had a drug problem when I was young:
I was drug to church on Sunday
morning. I was drug to
church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions
and community socials no
matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed
when I disobeyed my
parents, told a lie, brought
home a bad report card, did
not speak with respect, spoke
ill of the teacher or the
preacher, or if I didn't put
forth my best effort in
everything that was asked of
me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink
to have my mouth washed
out with soap if I uttered a
profane four-letter word.
I was drug out to pull weeds
in mom's garden and flower
beds and cockleburs out of dad's
fields.
I was drug to the homes of family,
friends, and neighbors
to help out some poor soul who
had no one to mow the yard,
repair the clothesline, or chop
some firewood; and, if my
mother had ever known that I
took a single dime as a tip
for this kindness, she would
have drug me back to the
woodshed.
Those drugs are still in my veins;
and they affect my
behavior in everything I do,
say, and think. They are
stronger than cocaine, crack,
or heroin; and, if today's
children had this kind of drug
problem, America would be
a better place.
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Subj: My Mom
- Agent 008 (S484b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 5/10/2006
I firmly believe that my mother
is a spy. Not the run of
the mill, garden variety snoop,
but a hard core, James Bond-
rivaling agent of intrigue and
defender of national security.
Not only did she have eyes in
the back of her head, but there
were other clues to tip me off,
as well.
Mom always knew what I had plotted
to do, even before I'd
done anything. When I
was a teenager, heading out the door
to my friend's house where we
conspired to stay up all night
making prank phone calls and
watching the forbidden "R" rated
movies, she would forewarn,
"behave yourself" or "don't even
think about it." How did she
know?
Obviously, she could read my
face. Randomly, during the school
year, she would ask if my grades
were good -- to which I would
always respond in the affirmative.
"Look me in the eyes," she
would say. Oh no, not
the eyes! It was a truth serum no one
could deny. My teenage
subterfuge tactics were no match for
her all knowing eyes.
I, predictably, spent the remainder of
the semester studying in my
room.
Clearly, she had completed a
detailed regimen of specialized
training. She was accomplished
at her craft; the best in her
field. Whenever a toy
broke in our house, mom knew how to fix
it (High-tech Gadgetry Repair
101). The picture in her High
School annual didn't even resemble
her (obviously, a master
of disguise). And, she
apparently had instruction as a Quick-
Change artist. In the
blink of an eye, she could progress
from point A: making breakfast
for the family while still in
her bathrobe and sporting pink
foam curlers hair curlers, to
point B: dressed to the nines
and ready to leave the house
for church.
Her stealth-mode capabilities
annoyed me most. The minute I
divulged a deep, dark secret
to my best friend, there she was,
out of nowhere. Never
mind the fact that she spoke in unbreak-
able code to her "friends" on
the telephone, but she hid
Christmas presents so even foreign
intelligence satellites
couldn't locate them.
The guilt glare topped her repertoire.
Presumably, a secret
bio-chemical compound tainted
her searing stare, rendering
me helpless to its power.
Even the strongest of super heroes
would fold under the pressure.
Confessions spilled out of
me, before I even had a chance
to think.
Her extra sensory perception
spanned space and time. While I
was away at college (300 miles
from home), she somehow knew I
was living on junk food, leaving
my dirty clothes on the
floor, and staying up too late
gabbing with my roommate,
prompting me to sweep the dorm
room for listening devices.
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Subj: Famous
Mothers (S484c)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 5/10/2006
1) The youngest mother whose
history is authenticated is
Lina Medina, who delivered a
6?-pound boy by cesarean section
in Lima, Peru in 1939, at an
age of 5 years and 7 months. The
child was raised as her brother
and only discovered that Lina
was his mother when he was 10.
2) On April 9, 2003, Satyabhama
Mahapatra, a 65-year-old
retired schoolteacher in India,
became the world's oldest
mother when she gave birth to
a baby boy. Satyabhama and her
husband had been married 50
years, but this is their first
child. The baby was conceived
through artificial insemination
using eggs from the woman's
26-year-old niece, Veenarani
Mahapatra, and the sperm of
Veenarani's husband.
3) Eric Clapton was born to an
unwed mother and to shield him
from the shame, Eric grew up
believing that his grandparents
were his parents and his mother
was his sister.
4) Jayne Bleackley is the mother
who holds the record for the
shortest interval between two
children born in separate
confinements. She gave birth
to Joseph Robert on September 3,
1999, and Annie Jessica Joyce
on March 30, 2000. The babies
were born 208 days apart.
5) Elizabeth Ann Buttle is the
mother who holds the record for
the longest interval between
the birth of two children. She
gave birth to Belinda on May
19,1956 and Joseph on November 20,
1997. The babies were
born 41 years 185 days apart. The
mother was 60 years old when
her son Joseph was born.
6) The highest officially recorded
number of children born to
one mother is 69, to the first
wife of Feodor Vassilyev (1707-
1782) of Shuya, Russia.
Between 1725 and 1765, in a total of
27 confinements, she gave birth
to 16 pairs of twins, seven
sets of triplets, and four sets
of quadruplets. 67 of them
survived infancy.
7) The modern world record for
giving birth is held by Leontina
Albina from San Antonio, Chile.
Leontina claims to be the
mother of 64 children, of which
only 55 of them are documented.
She is listed in the 1999 Guinness
World Records but dropped
from later editions.
8) Katherine Hepburn's father
was a surgeon and her mother was
a dedicated suffragette and
early crusader for birth control.
9) Kim Basinger's mother had
been a champion swimmer who
performed water ballets in several
Esther Williams movies in
the 1940s.
10) Elvis Presley, was a mama's
boy. He slept in the same bed
with his mother, Gladys, until
he reached puberty. Up until
Elvis entered high school, she
walked him back and forth to
school every day and made him
take along his own silverware so
that he wouldn't catch germs
from the other kids. Gladys
forbade young Elvis from going
swimming or doing anything that
might put him in danger.
The two of them also conversed in a
strange baby talk that only
they could understand.
11) Bobbie McCaughey is the mother
who holds the record for the
most surviving children from
a single birth. She gave birth to
the first set of surviving septuplets
- four boys and three
girls -on November 19, 1997,
at the University Hospital, Iowa,
US. Conceived by in vitro
fertilization, the babies were
delivered after 31 weeks by
caesarean in the space of 16 minutes.
The babies are named Kenneth,
Nathaniel, Brandon, Joel, Kelsey,
Natalie and Alexis.
12) Laura Dern earned a Best
Actress Oscar nomination for her
illuminating performance as
the title character in Rambling
Rose, an underrated picture
in 1991 that also won a Best
Supporting Actress nomination
for her mother, Diane Ladd.
This was the first time a mother-daughter
team had been so
honored; they became the first
mother and daughter ever
nominated for Academy Awards
for the same movie.
13) Madonna's mother died when she was five years old.
14) Phyllis Diller, a 40-year-old
mother of five and an
advertising copywriter for a
California radio station, made
a rousing comedy debut at San
Francisco's Purple Onion in 1957.
15) American talk show host Conan
O'Brien's father is Dr. Thomas
O'Brien, a noted epidemiologist,
the head of microbiology at
Peter Brigham Hospital, and
a professor at Harvard Medical
School. His mother, Ruth
Reardon O'Brien, was a partner at
Ropes ? Gray law firm outside
Boston until her 1997 retirement.
16) Meredith Baxter-Birney played
the mother, Elyse Keaton on
the hit TV sitcom Family Ties.
Her actress mother, Whitney
Blake, also played a mom: Dorothy
Baxter, on TV's Hazel.
17) James McNeill Whistler's
best known painting, often
called "Whistler's Mother,"
is actually titled "Arrangement
in Black and Gray: The Artist's
Mother.
18) Many of the sweaters worn
by Mr. Rogers on the popular
television show, Mr. Rogers'
Neighborhood, were actually
knitted by his real mother.
19) Monkee Mike Nesmith's mother,
Bette Nesmith Graham was
the inventor of Liquid Paper
correction fluid. She sold the
rights to the Gillette Corporation
in 1979 for $47.5
million and when she died in
1980, she left half of her
fortune to her son Michael.
20) Hoyt Axton wrote Three Dog
Night's "Joy To The World".
His mother, Mae Axton wrote
"Heartbreak Hotel" for Elvis Presley.
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Subj: Funny
Mom-Isms (S485)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 5/6/2006
1) "You'll understand when you're older."
2) "You won't be happy until you break that, will you?"
3) "You can't find it?
Well, if you'd put things where
they belonged,
you
wouldn't have this problem."
4) "Who died and left you boss?"
5) "When you have your own house then you can make the rules!"
6) "When I was young we had
respect for our elders,
now look
at the world!"
7) "What if everyone jumped off a cliff? Would you do it, too?"
8) "Say that again and I'll wash your mouth out with soap."
9) "Isn't it past your bedtime?"
10) "I'm not going to ask you again."
11) "I brought you into this
world, and I can
take you
right back out!"
12) "Don't walk away when I'm talking to you!"
13) "Do you think your socks are going to pick themselves up?"
14) "As long as you live under my roof, you'll do as I say."
15) "Am I talking to a brick wall?"
16) "Answer me when I ask you a question!"
17) "Are you going out dressed like that?"
18) "Are your hands broken? Pick it up yourself! I'm not your maid!"
19) "Bored! How can you be bored? I was never bored at your age."
20) "Did you clean your room?"
21) "I don't care who started it, YOU stop it!"
22) "Don't cross your eyes or they'll freeze that way."
23) "Don't EVER let me catch you doing that again!"
24) "Don't put that in your mouth, you don't know where it's been."
25) "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."
26) "If you don't clean your plate, you won't get any dessert."
27) "How can you have nothing to wear? Your closet is FULL of clothes!"
28) "How many times do I have to tell you?"
29) "If you don't stop crying, I am going to give you something to cry about!"
30) "I'll treat you like an adult when you start acting like one."
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Subj: Short
Jokes About Mothers
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Subj:
Mothers In All Colors (S606)
From: darrellvip on 8/13/2008 |
| Subj:
Momma Comic Strip (S600)
By Mell Lazarus From: WashingtonPost.com on 7/15/2008 |
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Subj:
Invisible Mother (S578b)
From: ginafm on 2/17/2008 |
| Subj:
Mother in Law - PPS (S520b)
From: redcatt on 1/7/2007 |
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Top
Subj: Mother-Child
Love (S487c)
From: igiggle on 5/24/2006
I tell you there is no love
sweeter than the love between
a mother and a child.
Now I know my wife loves me, but I
am reasonably sure that she
doesn't look at me the same way
she looks at them. You
know, it's kind of humbling because
you realize at some point you're
just a date that worked out.
Top
Subj: You
Are Changing (S486b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 5/16/2006
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20060512
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From: igiggle on 5/25/2006 (S488b)
Mothers stress the lovely meaning
of Mother's Day by gathering
their children and tenderly
saying, "I carried every one of you
in my body for nine months and
then my hips started spreading
because of you. I wasn't
built like this until you were born
and I didn't have this big blue
vein in the back of my leg.
You did this to me." --
Bill Cosby
From: igiggle on 5/25/2006 (S488b)
You may view yourself as a mature,
self-reliant person, but
your mom views you as a person
who once got lost in the
department store and got so
scared that you pooped your pants.
Which caused you to become so
ashamed that you tried to hide
in the ladies' lingerie department
where the nice clerk was
able to find you because she
noticed the highly unromantic
aroma emanating from somewhere
inside a rack of negligees.
-- Dave Barry
From: igiggle on 5/25/2006 (S488b -
mothers-supp)
You know you're a mother when
you're up each night until
10:00 pm, vacuuming, dusting,
wiping, washing, drying,
loading, unloading, shopping,
cooking, driving, flushing,
ironing, sweeping, picking up,
changing sheets, changing
diapers, bathing, helping with
homework, paying bills,
budgeting, clipping coupons,
folding clothes, putting to
bed, dragging out of bed, brushing,
chasing, buckling,
feeding, swinging, playing ball,
bike riding, pushing
trucks, cuddling dolls, roller
blading, catching, blowing
bubbles, running sprinklers,
sliding, taking walks,
coloring, crafting, jumping
rope, raking, trimming,
planting, edging, mowing, gardening,
painting, and walking
/feeding the dog. You
get up at 5:30 am, and you have no
time to eat, sleep, drink or
go to the bathroom, and yet -
you still manage to gain ten
pounds.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 5/4/2007
(S537b)
The moment a child is born,
the mother is also born. She
never existed before.
The woman existed, but the mother,
never. A mother is something
absolutely new. -- Rajneesh
From: LABLaughsClean on 11/6/2007 (S563b)
"God could not be everywhere,
so He created mothers."
-- Jewish Proverb
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Mother's Kiss from
darrell94590 |