mothers

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Subj: Mothers Jokes (Gz-m2)
(Includes 37 jokes and articles)

Click "Here" for Mothers-Supp

Also see BEARS file   - 'Wanna Be A Bear???'
......................- 'Three Bears Go To Court'
......................- 'Three Bears Come Down For Breakfast'
         DATING3 file - 'Manny Can't Find A Girl Mom Likes'
......................- 'Mother Has Dinner At Son's Home'
         DIFFERENCES3 - 'Women And Men'
         DOCTOR-SUPP - 'Mother Consults Doctor About Daughter Dating'
.........GOD2 file    - 'When God Created Mothers'
         HOOKER2 file - 'Vet's Mother Donates Money To Church'
         HOSPITAL1    - 'Wife Has Skin Graft'
         IRISH2 file - 'Irish Toast From County Cork'
         KIDS2 file   - 'Girl Asked Mom About White Hair'
         KIDS3 file   - 'Things I've Learned From My Children'
         KIDS4 file   - 'Little Things Are Cute'
         LETTERS1 file- 'A letter to Mom...'
         MARRIAGE3    - 'Drunk Performs Oral Sex With His Wife'
.........MARRIAGE4    - 'Poem For Mom And Dads'
         MARRIAGE6    - 'Mother-In-Law Dies In Jerusalem'
         MEN1 file    - (look here for Father's Day articles)
         MIDDLE_EAST - 'Two Arab Mothers Talk In Cafe'
         OTHER_ANIMALS- 'Hippo's New Mom'
         PLANE-SUPP   - 'I Wish You Enough'
         PREACHER file- 'Sermon Blooper'
         PREGNANT file- 'Baby Sues Over Pregnancy'
         STORIES file - 'Did You Do Anything Today?'
         TEAR JERKER1 - 'The Other Woman'
......................- 'Flowers For Mom'
         WOMEN2 file - 'Why Women Are Crabby'
         YoMama file - (see whole file)
===========================================================Top
Subj:     Mother's Maintenance Manual (S471b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 1/23/2006

Many of us take better care of our cars then we do our
mothers and yet we only expect our cars to last 5 or 6
years but we expect our mothers to last for a lifetime.
Maybe we need a maintenance manual for mothers so we
would know how to take care of them at least as well as
we do our automobiles.

Here are some items that might be included in such a manual.

Engine: A mother's engine is one of the most dependable
kinds you can find. She can reach top speed from a prone
position at a single cry from a sleeping child. But
regular breaks are needed to keep up that peak performance.

Mothers need a hot bath and a nap every 100 miles, a baby-
sitter and a night out every 1,000 miles, and a live in
baby-sitter with a one week vacation every 10,000 miles.

Battery: Mother's batteries should be recharged regularly.
Handmade items, notes, unexpected hugs and kisses, and
frequent "I love you's" will do very well for a recharge.

Carburetor: When a mother's carburetor floods, it should
be treated immediately with Kleenex and a soft shoulder.

Brakes: See that she uses her brakes to slow down often
and come to a full stop occasionally. (A squeaking
sound indicates a need for a rest.)

Fuel: Most mothers can run indefinitely on coffee, left
overs and salads, but an occasional dinner for two at a
nice restaurant will really add to her efficiency.

Chassis: Mothers run best when their bodies are properly
maintained. Regular exercise should be encouraged and
provided for as necessary. A change in hairdo or makeup
in spring and fall are also helpful. If you notice the
chassis begins to sag, immediately start a program of
walking, jogging, swimming, or bike riding. These are
most effective when done with fathers.

Tune-ups: Mother needs regular tune-ups. Compliments
are both the cheapest and most effective way to keep a
mother purring contentedly.

If these instructions are followed consistently, this
fantastic creation and gift from God that we call MOTHER
should last a lifetime and give good service and constant
love to those who need her most.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Me Mudder (S440)
          From: CKButch4Femme on 6/28/2005

When me prayers were poorly said,
Who tucked me in me widdle bed,
And spanked me till me arse was red,

Me Mudder!

Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on the ice cold pot,
And made me pee when I could not,

Me Mudder!

And when the morning light would come
And in me crib me dribbled some,
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum,

Me Mudder!

Who would me hair so neatly part
And hug me gently to her heart,
Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart,

Me Mudder!

Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
And nearly have a king-size fit,
When in me Sunday pants me s*** ,

Me Mudder!

When at night her bed did squeak
Me raised me head to have a peek,
Who yelled at me to go to sleep,

Me Fadder!

I hope this keeps ya
giggling all day.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Quotes From "Famous" Mothers (S432)
          From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 5/6/2005

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a
baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER:
"I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but
you're starting to look a little purple!"

MARY'S MOTHER:
"I'm not upset the you lamb followed you to school, Mary,
but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you!"

BATMAN'S MOTHER:
"It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the
insurance will be!"

GOLDILOCK'S MOTHER:
"I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the bear family.
You know anything about this Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER:
"Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get of your tuffet
and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders
around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something
about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something....?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac,
you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER:
"That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been
for the past 3 days!"

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER:
"Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided
you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit
spending so much time in all those phone booths!"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb,
dear. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Kids Talk About God And Their Mother (S339b)
          From: Imogenelumen on 7/20/2003

The following are different answers given by
school-age children to the given questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1.-She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2.-Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3.-Mostly to clean the house.
4.-To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1.- He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2.- Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3.- God made my mom just the same like he made me.
He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.- We're related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other
people's moms like me

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1.- God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and
everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2.- They had to get their start from men's bones.
Then they mostly use string. I think.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1.- My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2.- I don't know because I wasn't there, but my
guess would be pretty bossy.
3.- They say she used to be nice.

How did your mom meet your dad?
1.- Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1.- His last name.
2.- She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?
Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800
a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores.

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1.- My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.
And my mom eats a lot.
2.- She got too old to do anything else with him.
3.- My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?
1.- It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?
1.- Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to
     because dads such a goofball.
2.- Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees
     the stuff under the bed.
3.- I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot
     more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1.- Moms work at work and work at home, and dads
     just got to work at work.
2.- Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.- Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real
     power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to
     sleep over at your friend's.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1.- Mothers don't do spare time.
2.-To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1.- About 30 years.
2.- You can always count on grandmothers for candy.
Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!

Describe the world's greatest mom?
1.- She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2.- The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me
kiss my fat aunts!
3.- She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to
herself.

Is anything about your mom perfect?
1.- Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from
the dentist.
2.- Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3.- Just her children

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1.- On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I
think some kind of plastic surgery.
2.- Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what
would it be?
1.- She has this weird thing about me keeping my
room clean. I'd get rid of that.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Somebody Said (S278)
          by Renee Hawkley from her book
          "Don't Come In Here! Mom's Throwing Spaghetti!"
          From: mombear1 on 5/24/2002

Somebody said a mother is an unskilled laborer...
somebody never gave a squirmy infant a bath.

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to
normal after you've had a baby...somebody doesn't know
that once you're a mother, normal is history.

Somebody said a mother's job consists of wiping noses
and changing diapers...somebody doesn't know that a
child is much more than the shell he lives in.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct...
somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.

Somebody said being a mother is boring...somebody never
rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.

Somebody said teachers, psychologists and pediatricians
know more about children than their mothers...somebody
hasn't invested their heart in another human being.

Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will
"turn out" okay...somebody thinks a child is like a bag
of plaster of Paris that comes with directions, a mold
and a guarantee.

Somebody said being a mother is what you do in your spare
time...somebody doesn't know that when you're a mother,
you're a mother ALL the time.

Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices...
somebody never came out the back door just in time to
see her child wind up and hit a golf ball through the
neighbor's kitchen window.

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a
mother...somebody never helped a fourth grader with
his math.

Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much
as you love the first...somebody doesn't have five
children.

Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her
child-rearing questions in the books...somebody never
had a child stuff beans up his nose.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is
labor and delivery...somebody never watched their "baby"
get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten.

Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes
closed and one hand tied behind her back...somebody
never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies.

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child
gets married...somebody doesn't know that marriage adds
a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child
leaves home...somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said being a mother is a side dish on the plate
of life...somebody doesn't know what fills you up.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't
need to tell her...somebody isn't a mother.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Things Your Mother Wouldn't Say (S275c)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/9/2002

"Be good and for your birthday I'll buy you a motorcycle!"

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket--it's quite warm out."

"Let me smell that shirt--yeah, it's good for another week."

"I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity."

"Yeah, I used to skip school, too."

"Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house more
cheery."

"Could you turn the music up louder so I can enjoy it, too?"

"Run and bring me the scissors! Hurry!"

"Aw, just turn these undies inside out. No one will ever
know."

"I don't have a tissue with me--just use your sleeve."

"Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's okay, that's good enough
for me."

"Of course you should walk to school and back. What's the
big deal about having to cross a few main streets?"

"My meeting won't be over till later tonight. You kids
don't mind skipping dinner?"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Motherhood (S275)
          From: mombear1 on 5/7/2002

Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become
accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful
moment when parents can become detached spectators in
the lives of their children and shrug, "It's their life,"
and feel nothing?

When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor
waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my son's head.
I asked, "When do you stop worrying?" The nurse said,
"When they get out of the accident stage." My Mother just
smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a
classroom and heard how one of my children talked
incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a
career making license plates. As if to read my mind, a
teacher said, "Don't worry, they all go through this stage
and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them." My
mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for
the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door
to open. A friend said, "They're trying to find them-
selves. Don't worry in a few years, you can stop worrying.
They'll be adults." My mother just smiled faintly and
said nothing.

By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being
vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, but
there was a new wrinkle--there was nothing I could do
about it. My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.

I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented
by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments.
My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop
worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that,
but I was haunted by my mother's warm smile and her
occasional, "You look pale. Are you all right? Call me
the minute you get home. Are you depressed about something?"

Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry?
Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze
the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown?
Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates us to the
highest form of life?

One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying
to me, "Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and
no one answered. I was worried!" I smiled a warm smile.
The torch has been passed.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Husband Comes Home To A Mess (S270)
          From: thebartend on 4/2/2002

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem
at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas
playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes
and wrappers all around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger
mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the
floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile
of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn
with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had
been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for
his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill,
or that something had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas
on, reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here
today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you
come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes, was his reply."

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     When I'm a Little Old Lady (S251b - poem)
          From: Cypriot on 11/23/2001

I'll live with my children and bring them great joy.
To repay all I've had, from each girl and each boy,
I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor;
Run in and out without closing the door.

I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed.
And whenever they scold me, I'll hang my head.
I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away
The time to be spent doing chores every day.

I'll pester my children when they are on the phone.
As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.
Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer
And never pick up what I drop on the floor.

Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish.
I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.
I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor.
As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.

When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry,
Kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.
I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then
When they buy new ones, I'll take them again.

I'll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal
Eat my banana and just drop the peel.
Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor.
I'll break lots of dishes as though I were four.

What fun I shall have, and what joy it will be
To Live with my children ... just how they lived with me!

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     You Know You're A Mother When... (S240b)
          From: mombear1 on 9/6/2001

You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

Your kid throws up and you catch it.

Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.

You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of
pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.

Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out
loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.

You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your
child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one
your child eats.

You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

You hate the thought of his wife even more.

You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches
into cute shapes.

You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.

You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when
you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"

You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure
they're equal.

You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't
get that disease.

You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your
husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the
kids.

You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this
job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Call Me 'Mother' (S232, S532b)
          From: spyda on 7/11/2001
      and From: LABLaughs on 4/2/2007

A young man was walking through a supermarket when he
noticed an old lady following him around. He ignored her
and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line,
but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said. "I'm sorry if my staring has made
you uncomfortable. It's just that you look like my son,
who recently died."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man. "Is there anything
that I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye,
Mother?' It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye,
Mother!"

When he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that
his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked. "I
only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the
clerk.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Why Mom's Can't Do Yoga (S458b)
          From: Dickschu
          on 11/3/2005

This cute, WMV movie can be seen on my web site
by clicking 'HERE'.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Mother's Dictionary (S219, S539b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 4/11/2001 and 5/10/2007

Amnesia: condition that enables a woman who has gone through
labor to have sex again

Bottle Feeding: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am, too

Defense: what you'd better have aroun de yard if you're going
to let de children play outside

Drooling: how teething babies wash their chins

Dumbwaiter: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert

Family Planning: the art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate
the strained carrots

Full Name: what you call your child when you're mad at him

Grandparents: the people who think your children are wonderful
even though they're sure you're not raising them right

Hearsay: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word

Impregnable: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid

Independent: how we want our children to be as long as they
do everything we say

Look Out!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time
you scream it

Prenatal: when your life was still somewhat your own

Prepared Childbirth: a contradiction in terms

Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it

Show Off: a child who is more talented than yours

Sterilize: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling
it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it

Storeroom: the distance required between the supermarket aisles
so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach
anything

Temper Tantrums: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not
upset the children

Thunderstorm: a chance to see how many family members can fit
into one bed

Top Bunk: where you should never put a child wearing Superman
jammies

Two-Minute Warning: when the baby's face turns red and she
begins to make those familiar grunting noises

Verbal: able to whine in words

Weaker Sex: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out

Whodunit: none of the kids that live in your house

Whoops: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Son Brings Home His Future Bride (S218)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 3/30/2001

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love
and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm
going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which
one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the
house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for
a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm
going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Mean Moms (S214)
          From: ICohen on 3/7/2001

Someday when my children are old enough to understand the
logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them:

I loved you enough...to ask where you were going, with
whom, and what time you would be home.

I loved you enough...to insist that you save your money
and buy a bike for yourself even though we could afford
to buy one for you.

I loved you enough...to be silent and let you discover
that your new best friend was a creep.

I loved you enough...to make you go pay for the bubble
gum you had taken and tell the clerk, "I stole this
yesterday and want to pay for it."

I loved you enough...to stand over you for two hours
while you cleaned your room, a job that should have
taken 15 minutes.

I loved you enough...to let you see anger, disappointment,
and tears in my eyes. Children must learn that their
parents aren't perfect.

I loved you enough...to let you assume the responsibility
for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh
they almost broke my heart.

But most of all, I loved you enough...to say NO when I
knew you would hate me for it. Those were the most
difficult battles of all. I'm glad I won them, because
in the end you won, too.

And someday when your children are old enough to under-
stand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell
them.... Was your Mom mean? I know mine was. We had the
meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids ate
candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.

When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, we had to
eat sandwiches. And you can guess our mother fixed us a
dinner that was different from what other kids had, too.
Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times.
You'd think we were convicts in a prison.

She had to know who our friends were, and what we were
doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would
be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.
We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to
break the Child Labor Laws by making us work.

We had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook,
vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash and all
sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at
night thinking of more things for us to do. She always
insisted on us telling the truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth.

By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds.
Then, life was really tough! Mother wouldn't let our
friends just honk the horn when they drove up. They had
to come up to the door so she could meet them. While
everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had
to wait until we were 16.

Because of our mother we missed out on lots of things
other kids experienced. None of us have ever been caught
shoplifting, vandalizing other's property or ever arrested
for any crime. It was all her fault.

Now that we have left home, we are all educated, honest
adults. We are doing our best to be mean parents just
like Mom was. I think that is what's wrong with the world
today. It just doesn't have enough mean moms.

PASS THIS ON TO ALL THE MEAN MOMS YOU KNOW.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     I'll Never Understand My Wife (S174)
          From: Anaise on 5/27/00

The day she moved in with me, she started opening and
closing my kitchen cabinets, gasping, "You don't have any
shelf paper! We're going to have to get some shelf paper
in here before I move my dishes in."

"But why?" I asked innocently.

"To keep the dishes clean," she answered matter-of-factly.
I didn't understand how the dust would magically migrate
off the dishes if they had sticky blue paper under them,
but I knew when to be quiet.

Then came the day when I left the toilet seat up.

"We never left the toilet seat up in my family," she
scolded. "It's impolite."

"It wasn't impolite in my family," I said sheepishly.

"Your family didn't have cats."

In addition to these lessons, I also learned how I was
supposed to squeeze the toothpaste tube, which towel to
use after a shower and where the spoons are supposed to
go when I set the table. I had no idea I was so
uneducated.

Nope, I'll never understand my wife.

She alphabetizes her spices, washes dishes before sending
them through the dishwasher, and sorts laundry into
different piles before throwing it into the washing
machine. Can you imagine?

She wears pajamas to bed. I didn't think anyone in North
America still wore pajamas to bed. She has a coat that
makes her look like Sherlock Holmes. "I could get you a
new coat," I offered.

"No. This one was my grandmother's," she said, decisively
ending the conversation.

Then, after we had kids, she acted even stranger. Wearing
those pajamas all day long, eating breakfast at 1:00 P.M.,
carrying around a diaper bag the size of a minivan, talking
in one syllable paragraphs.

She carried our baby everywhere -- on her back, on her
front, in her arms, over her shoulder. She never set her
down, even when other young mothers shook their heads as
they set down the car seat with their baby in it, or peered
down into their playpens. What an oddity she was,
clutching that child.

My wife also chose to nurse her even when her friends told
her not to bother. She picked up the baby whenever she
cried, even though people told her it was healthy to let
her wail.

"It's good for her lungs to cry," they would say.

"It's better for her heart to smile," she'd answer.

One day a friend of mine snickered at the bumper sticker
my wife had put on the back of our car: "Being a Stay-at-
Home Mom Is a Work of Heart."

"My wife must have put that on there," I said.

"My wife works," he boasted.

"So does mine," I said, smiling.

Once, I was filling out one of those warranty registration
cards and I check "homemaker" for my wife's occupation.
Big mistake. She glanced over it and quickly corrected me.
"I am not a home- maker. I am not a housewife. I am a
mother."

"But there's no category for that," I stammered.

"Add one," she said.

I did.

And then one day, a few years later, she lay in bed smiling
when I got up to go to work.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing. Everything is wonderful. I didn't have to get
up at all last night to calm the kids. And they didn't
crawl in bed with us."

"Oh," I said, still not understanding.

"It was the first time I've slept through the night in four
years." It was? Four years? That's a long time. I
hadn't even noticed. Why hadn't she ever complained? I
would have.

One day, in one thoughtless moment, I said something that
sent her fleeing to the bedroom in tears. I went in to
apologize. She knew I meant it because by then I was
crying, too.

"I forgive you," she said. And you know what? She did.
She never brought it up again. Not even when she got angry
and could have hauled out the heavy artillery. She
forgave, and she forgot.

Nope, I'll never understand my wife. And you know what?
Our daughter is acting more and more like her mother every
day.

If she turns out to be anything like her mom, someday there
is going to be one more lucky guy in this world, thankful
for the shelf paper in his cupboard.

By Steven James

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     What Moms Really Want For Mother's Day (S327)
          From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/10/2003

To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink
a soda without any "floaties" (ie, backwash).

To have her 14 year-old daughter answer a question without
rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.

Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty pounds
to her figure.

A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with
a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as she puts a razor to her ankle.

A full time cleaning person who looks like Brad Pitt.

For her teenager to announce, "Hey, Mom! I got a full
scholarship and a job all in the same day!"

A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys
displayed at the checkout line.

To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily
secretions.

To be able to step on a plane with their toddlers and
NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me?!?"

To occasionally get to sleep late on the weekend. I mean
is this too much to ask?

To actually carry on a normal phone conversation with her
toddler in the SAME room.

To actually be able to finish a HOT cup of coffee while
her kids are present. An impossible feat!

To take a hot bath without her toddler suddenly screaming,
"Mommy, I have to go potty!" as soon as she hits the water!

Happy Mother's Day!

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Mother's Day Joke (S172, S379b)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 5/12/00

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason
the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what
was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have
cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on
Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten
a Father's Day gift."

"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Amazing Women
          From: smiles on 9/7/99

Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children,
they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold
happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they
want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when
they are nervous Women wait by the phone for a "safe at
home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home.

Women have special qualities about them. They volunteer
for good causes. They are pink ladies in hospitals, they
bring food to shut ins. They are childcare workers,
executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes and
your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear
uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand
up for injustice. They are in the front row at PTA
meetings.

They vote for the person that will do the best job for
family issues. They walk and talk the extra mile to get
their children in the right schools and for getting their
family the right health care. They write to the editor,
their congressmen and to the "powers that be" for things
that make for a better life. They don't take "no" for an
answer when they believe there is a better solution.

They stick a love note in their Lovers lunch box. They do
without new shoes so their children can have them. They
go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love
unconditionally.

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart,
knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how
to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to
be the best for their family, their friends, and them-
selves. They cry when their children excel and cheer when
their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new
marriage. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They
have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are
strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman's
touch can cure any ailment. They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart. They can make a romantic evening
unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They
live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly,
walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about
you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!

Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and
hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral
support to their family and friends. And all they want
back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people
you come in contact with.

Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     A Woman's Random Thoughts
          From: smiles on 9/7/99

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone
in an Aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put
them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy
can make a woman gain 5 lb.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to
wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you
don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain
consciousness.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while
and it shrinks two sizes!

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because
by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Mom and Dad (S136)
          From: KMacinty on 9/7/99

In Celebration of Women's History Month....

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, I'm tired, and
it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed." She went to
the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches,
rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer
for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box
levels, filled the sugar container. She then put some wet
clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash,
ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up
the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game
pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back
into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a
wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and
stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the
desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash
for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding
under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend,
addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note
for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom
then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and
flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails.

Then she put water into the dog's dish and put the cat
outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked
in on each of the kids and turned out a light and picked up
a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a
brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for
the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added
three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.

About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and announced
to no one in particular "I'm going to bed," and he did.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     For All The Mothers (S118)
          From: smiles on 5/7/99

This is for all the mothers who DIDN'T win Mother of the
Year in 1999. All the runners-up and all the wannabes.
The mothers too tired to enter or too busy to care. This
is for all the mothers who froze their buns off on metal
bleachers at soccer games Friday night instead of watching
from cars, so that when their kids asked, "Did you see my
goal?" They could say "Of course, wouldn't have missed it
for the world," and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who have sat up all night with
sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up barf laced with
Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, "It's OK
honey, Mommy's here."

This is for all the mothers of Kosovo who fled in the night
and can't find their children. This is for the mothers who
gave birth to babies they'll never see. And the mothers who
took those babies and made them homes.

For all the mothers of the victims of the Colorado shooting,
and the mothers of the murderers. For the mothers of the
survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in
horror, hugging their child who just came home from school,
safely.

For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and
sew Halloween costumes. And all the mothers who DON'T.

What makes a good mother anyway? Is it patience?
Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse a baby, cook
dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time?

Or is it heart? Is it the ache you feel when you watch
your son disappear down the street, walking to school alone
for the very first time? The jolt that takes you from
sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 a.m. to put your hand
on the back of a sleeping baby? The need to flee from
wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a
school shooting, a fire, a car accident, a baby dying? I
think so.

So this is for all the mothers who sat down with their
children and explained all about making babies. And for
all the mothers who wanted to but just couldn't. This is
for reading "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for a year.
And then reading it again."Just one more time."

This is for all the mothers who mess up. Who yell at their
kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair and
stomp their feet like a tired 2 year old who wants ice
cream before dinner.

This is for all the mothers who taught their daughters to
tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for
all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead. For all the
mothers who bite their lips -- sometimes until they bleed--
when their 14 year olds dye their hair green.

Who lock themselves in the bathroom when babies keep
crying and won't stop. This is for all the mothers who
show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains
on their blouses and diapers in their purse.

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook
and their daughters to sink a jump shot. This is for all
mothers whose heads turn automatically when a little voice
calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their own
offspring are at home.

This is for mothers who put pinwheels and teddy bears on
their children's graves. This is for mothers whose child-
ren have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach
them. This is for all the mothers who sent their sons to
school with stomach-aches, assuring them they'd be just
FINE once they got there, only to get calls from the school
nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up.
Right away.

This is for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes
and sleep deprivation. And mature mothers learning to let
go. For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers. Single
mothers and married mothers. Mothers with money, mothers
without.

This is for you all. So hang in there.
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

(Author unknown)

                            \\\//
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Subj:     My Mother Taught Me (S106, S581b)
          From: KMACINTY on 08/16/2000
      and From: tom on 3/4/2008

My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck,
you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test,
you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think
that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when
I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."

And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE...
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn
out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside -
I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that
will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't
straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear
clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.

My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep crying and I'll give
you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you
just look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there
'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a
tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you
once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought
you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions
of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Short Jokes About Mothers

Top
Subj: It's Your Mother Sign (S474c)
From: redcatt on 2/16/2006

Top
Subj: The History Of Mother's Day (S328b)
From: igiggle on 5/10/2003
The ancient Greeks celebrated Mother's Day in spring,
like we do. They used to honor Rhea, "mother of the
gods" with honey-cakes and fine drinks and flowers at
dawn. Sounds like the beginnings of the Mother's Day
tradition of breakfast in bed! Mother's Day is now
celebrated in many countries around the world. Australia,
Mexico, Denmark, Finland, Italy, Turkey, Belgium, Russia,
China, Thailand, all have special celebrations to honor
Mothers, but not in the same way or on the same day as
the United States.

Mothering Sunday was celebrated in Britain beginning in
the 17th century. It was honored on the fourth Sunday
in Lent. It began as a day when apprentices and servants
could return home for the day to visit their mothers they
often brought a gift with them, often a "mothering cake"
-- a kind of fruitcake or fruit-filled pastry known as
simnels. Furmety, a sweetened boiled cereal dish, was
often served at the family dinner during Mothering Sunday
celebrations. By the 19th century, the holiday had almost
completely died out.

Top
Subj: Riding In Mother's Backpack (S275)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/9/2002
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old...I had
him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus.
Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of
stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I
had torn my jeans... but my main concern was, naturally for
my child.

My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard
a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"

Top
Subj: Quotes About Mother... (S275c)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/9/2002

I know how to do anything -- I'm a mom.
-- Roseanne Barr

The mother's heart is the child's schoolroom.
-- Henry Ward Beecher

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four
pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she
never did care for pie. -- Tenneva Jordan

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/13/2001 (S224)
"Before I became a mother I was a such a free spirit. I
used to say, 'No man will ever dominate me.' Now I have a
six-year-old master." -- Sully Diaz

From: dogbyte on 1/2/2002 (S257)
An ounce of mother is
worth a ton of priest.
-- Spanish proverb

From: dogbyte on 3/14/2002 (S270c)
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for
thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers.
The original meal has never been found. -- Sam Levinson

From: dogbyte on 5/9/2002 (S275c)
My mother loved children... she would have given anything
if I had been one. -- Groucho Marx

From: pns on 1/6/2003 (S312b)
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
-- Jack Nicholson

From: joke-of-the-day.com on 3/20/2003 (S321b)
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have
two hands? -- Milton Berle

From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/10/2003 (S327b)
All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother.
-- Abraham Lincoln

From: igiggle on 7/5/2004 (S389b - quotes-comed-supp)
What's a home without a mother? Dirty. -- Soupy Sales

From: igiggle on 5/11/2003 (S328b)
About 96% of American consumers take part in some way
in Mother's Day.

From: LABLaughsClean on 8/24/2005 (S447b)
"You don't pay back your parents. You can't. The debt you
owe them gets collected by your