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I've been invited to the wedding of a mate of mine who
I used to know really well until he started going out with the girl he's
going to marry. She's a dog. No really. I haven't seen them since I told
her she's a dog over two years ago. They've stupidly invited me to their
wedding, but I don't want to go. It's an invite to me '+plus 1" and involves
the afternoon reception (a sit down meal in a 4 star restaurant) and evening
piss up (a bus will carry you there, and drag you to the nearest b&b
or trainstation after. Should be a good day out. All in all I reckon there's
a good £150 worth of entertainment if you time it right. No one will
know you're not me except the groom and he'll be so pissed trying to forget
his new wife's a dog he won't notice. The only thing is, because she's
such a dog, they might not get married, so I reserve the right to cancel
the bidding.
On 16-Oct-04 at 08:59:59 BST, seller added the following
information:
Since listing the tickets I've been contacted by quite
a few people who think they're going to the same wedding. As it happens,
3 of you are and want to sell your tickets too. So this auction is now
for 5 tickets to the wedding of a mate to a dog that we don't want to go
to. Getting five of you into a wedding might be a bit of a gamble, so I'll
keep the buy it now price the same, but you're now looking at at least
£400 worth of free booze, good food. Even if you have to listen to
her dad do karaoke, and watch her mum try to get off with the ushers.
On 18-Oct-04 at 11:50:06 BST, seller added the following
information:
For those who've been asking, I can email photo's of the
invite. I didn't want to post them as I thought the pink feather trmming
might make it a bit too obvious which wedding I'm talking about. Suffice
to say they play a pretty good version of 'livin' la vida loca' when opened.
On 19-Oct-04 at 15:29:39 BST, seller added the following
information:
I'm getting a lot of questions, so thanks to everyone
who's expressed an interest. Unfortunately I'm going to have to dissappoint
most of you by telling you that the bridesmaids are likely to be dogs too.
I know, it's a marital travesty. The bride's best mate works in a chippy
in Colchester, and they always used to go boozing in Stoke with her aunt
who I seem to remember had a penchant for DKNY tracksuits, Pineapple Bacardi
Breezers and cafe creme. Now, on the basis there's a 100% certainty that
at least one of them is a bridesmaid, there's not a lot of optimisim I
can inject, is there? That and the fact that I've heard that 2 of the ushers
are now trying to sell their tickets on loot having had the tip off about
her mother.
On 21-Oct-04 at 13:41:46 BST, seller added the following
information:
Blimey - it's all gone a bit Frey Bentos here hasn't it.
I only popped out to Petsmart to get the winning bidder a present to take,
and I've come back to about a billion questions. Haven't got the time to
answer them all but most common ones are: Yes there is a dress code - anything
in satin by FILA or UMBRO. Men can substitue ties for big jewellery. Yes
the ladies must wear hats - baseball caps or beanies. There's no vegetarian
option, although Pedigree Dry may very well be a starter. No, bidding does
not include return fare to Brisbane. No, the invite will not get you into
the bridal suite. YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO. REALLY. No, I won't marry you.
Thanks though. No, I'm not a misogynist, and yes, I do feel guilty... ...but
she really really really is a dog. Yes there's much more to this story,
but not enough room here. Any publishers out there?
On 21-Oct-04 at 15:17:06 BST, seller added the following
information:
eBay have advised me that the current bid may not be genuine.
I think 300 grand to go to the wedding of someone you've never met is pretty
resonable, but they've advised me to do the pre-approved bidders thing.
So sorry kids, but could bidders kindly email me and get pre-approved.
Not my idea. promise. good luck.
On 22-Oct-04 at 09:44:25 BST, seller added the following
information:
Most of you have hit the nail on the head, you know. I
still love the old dog, despite what she did to me. And, thanks to the
Colchester Massiv’s “Honk if you’re Twinklydog’s Dog” campaign, she got
in touch this morning and we’ve had a good chat. It’s a bit of a gamble,
but I’m going to pull the auction, go to Aberdeen and see whether she’ll
put a stop to this sham of a wedding and marry me instead. Hope you understand.
The cab’s outside, I’ve got to go.
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