Subj: Wedding-Honeymoon Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 33 jokes and articles)
Wedding Couple
from
Animated Cliparts
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Subj: Wedding-Honeymoon Jokes (Gz) (Includes 33 jokes and articles) |
|
Wedding Couple from Animated Cliparts |
Also see BIRD-PARROT - 'Newly
Weds And The Parrot'
COWBOY file - 'Cowboy
And Cowgirl On Their Honeymoon'
......................-
'Texan
And His Bride Get A Room'
......................-
'Cowboy
And The Epileptic Bride'
DOCTOR3 file - 'Doctor
Gives Sex Talk To Naive Groom'
ELDERLY2 - 'Grandfather
Explains Sex To Grandson'
FARMER1 file - 'Farmer's
Mule Kills Mother-In-Law'
GOLF2 file - 'Golfer
And His Bride On The Honeymoon'
HAHDICAPPED - 'Two
Deaf People Get Married'
ITALIAN file - 'Two
Italian Virgins Get Married'
KIDS4 file - 'Preparation
for Parenthood'
KNIGHT file - 'King
Arthur And What Women Want'
MARRIAGE3 - 'Fifth
Marriage'
NEW YORKER - 'New
Yorkers Honeymoon On Train'
REDNECK3 file- 'Rednecks
Get Married'
WEDDING file - (See whole file)
VASELINE file- 'Going
To Mom And Dad's For The Honeymoon'
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Subj: Bride
Charges Husband (S489)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/30/2006
On their wedding night, the young
bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00
for their first lovemaking
encounter. In his highly aroused
state, her husband readily
agreed.
This scenario was repeated each
time they made love, for more
than 30 years, with him thinking
that it was a cute way for
her to afford new clothes and
other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one
day, she was surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken
state. During the next few
minutes, he explained that his
employer was going through a
process of corporate downsizing,
and he had been let go. It
was unlikely that, at the age
of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere
near what he'd been
earning, and therefore, they
were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a
bank book which showed more than
thirty years of steady deposits
and interest totaling nearly
$1 million. Then she showed
him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which were worth
over $2 million, and informed him
that they were one of the largest
depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more
than three decades she had
"charged" him for sex, these
holdings had multiplied and these
were the results of her savings
and investments. Faced with
evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he
could barely speak, but finally
he found his voice and blurted
out, "If I'd had any idea what
you were doing, I would have
given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
\\\//
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Subj: New
Husband Wants To Go To The Bar (S468)
From: auntiegah on 1/7/2006
A couple had only been married
for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love,
couldn't wait to go out on the
town and party with his old
buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?"asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer,
my love?" She opened the door
to the refrigerator and showed
him 25 different kinds of beer,
brands from 12 different countries:
Germany, Holland, Japan,
India, etc.
The husband didn't know what
to do, and the only thing that he
could think of saying was, "Yes,
Lollipop.... but at the bar..
you know... they have frozen
glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence,
because the wife interrupted
him by saying, "You want a frozen
glass, Puppy Face?" She took a
huge beer mug out of the freezer,
so frozen that she was getting
chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale,
said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at
the bar they have those hors
d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
I won't be long. I'll be right
back. I promise...OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie
Pooh?" She opened the oven
and took out 5 dishes of different
hors d'oeuvres: chicken
wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom
caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey...at the
bar...you know, there's swearing,
dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie
Pie? "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN,
SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR
DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG
AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HORS D'OEUVRES
BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED ASS
ISN'T GOING TO A FUCKING BAR!
THAT SHIT IS OVER...GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
\\\//
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Subj: Bride
Disappears For Two Days (S413b)
From: JokesUncut on 12/28/2004
A couple just got married, and
when the husband went back to
his house he found that his
bride had disappeared. He got
very worried and gathered up
all his friends to search for
his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared
the man returned home to
find her in the kitchen.
He asked her what she has been up
to and why she hasn't been home
for so long.
She replied: "These four men
kidnapped me and had wild sex
with me for a week."
The husband answered: "But it's
only been two days what do
you mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat."
\\\//
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Subj: Honeymoon
Of A 85 Year Old And A 25 Year Old (S340)
From: Imogenelumen on 7/31/2003
At 85 years of age, Morris marries
Lou Anne, a lovely 25-
year old. Since her new
husband is so old, Lou Anne decides
that after their wedding she
and Morris should have separate
bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged
husband may overexert himself
if they spend the entire night
together. After the wedding
festivities Lou Anne prepares
herself for bed and the expected
"knock" on the door. Sure
enough the knock comes, the
door opens and there is Morris,
her 85-year old groom.
They have sex and all goes well,
Morris takes leave of his
bride, and she prepares to go
to sleep. After a few minutes,
Lou Anne hears another knock
on her bedroom door, and it's
Morris, who looks happy and
eager. Somewhat surprised, Lou
Anne consents for more sex.
When the newlyweds are done,
Morris kisses his bride, bids
her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again,
but aha you guessed it,
Morris is back again, rapping
on the door, and he is as fresh
as a 25-year old. And
once again they have sex. But as
Morris gets set to leave, his
young bride says to him: "I am
thoroughly impressed that at
your age you can perform so well
and so often. I have been
with guys less than a third of your
age who could only have sex
once .
Morris, somewhat embarrassed,
turns to Lou Anne and says: "You
mean I was here already?"
\\\//
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Subj: Sex
Compared To Prison (S315, DU)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/23/2003
On their honeymoon night, the
bride turns to her husband
and says, "Honey, you know I'm
a virgin and don't know
anything about sex, so I'm a
little nervous. Would you
explain it to me first?"
"Sure, Sweetheart," the husband
replies. "Putting it
simply, we'll call your private
place 'the prison', and
we'll call my private thing
'the prisoner'. What we do
is this....we put the prisoner
in the prison."
They then make love for the first
time. Afterwards, the
husband sprawls out on the bed,
face up, with a look of
satisfaction on his face.
A few minutes later, the bride
nudges him and giggles,
"Honey, the prisoner seems to
have escaped."
He turns on his side and with
a big grin, says, "Well,
we'll just have to re-imprison
him."
After making love the second
time, the husband rolls over
and reaches for a cigarette.
The wife, however, is
thoroughly enjoying the new
experience of making love.
Giving him a seductive smile,
she purrs, "Honey, the
prisoner's out again!"
Mustering up all the strength
he can, the husband rises to
the occasion once more, then
lays back on the bed, totally
exhausted.
Once more, the wife nudges him
and says, "Honey, the
prisoner's escaped again"
With his last bit of strength,
the husband turns his head
and yells, "It's not life imprisonment!"
\\\//
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Subj: Doing
The Laundry (S312, S582c)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/6/2003
A young couple got married. On
their honeymoon, they were
very anxious about having sex
because they were both
virgins. Because of their
sexual inexperience, they were
a bit uncomfortable discussing
the subject so they came
up with the term "doing the
laundry" to use in place of
"having sex."
This made them both more comfortable
with the whole concept.
Well, the first night of their
honeymoon was wonderful.
They "did the laundry" 5 times
that first night. In the
middle of the night the new
husband woke up, and he was
ready to do the laundry again.
He gently shook his new wife
and asked her, "Can we do the
laundry again?" but she was
very tired.
She told him that she just couldn't
do it again just yet.
May be in the morning.
A few hours later the new wife awoke
feeling very guilty. What
he had asked for wasn't
unreasonable, and she decided
she should go ahead and "do
the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said,
"Honey, I'm sorry I denied
you... We can do the laundry
again if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It
was a small load... I did it
by hand."
\\\//
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Subj: Chinese
Wedding Night (S305, S582b)
From: coreymac on 11/26/2002
A Chinese couple gets married-and
she's a virgin. Truth
be told, he is none too experienced
either. On the wedding
night, she covers naked under
the bed sheets as her husband
undresses. He climbs in
next to her and tries to be
reassuring: "My darring" he
says, "I know dis yo firs time
and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting
you want, I do anyting - jus
anyting you want, you say.
Whatchou want?" he says, trying
to sound experienced, which
he hopes will impress his virgin
bride.
A thoughtful silence follows
and he waits patiently (and
eagerly) for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and
unsure, "I want . numba 69.
More thoughtful silence, this
time from him. Eventually,
in a puzzled tone he queries..............
"You want...
Beef wif Broccori?"
\\\//
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Subj: Couple
Wait For Wedding Night (S248, DU)
From: dogbyte on 10/30/2001
John and Mary had been high school
sweethearts, but they
never had sex.
"We'll have to wait until we are married," she told him.
So he waits.
They are engaged three years,
and finally the big day
rolls around. On their
wedding night, Mary comes out
of the bathroom, and says "I
have some bad news. I
have my period, and I don't
want our first time to be
all bloody!"
John says, "You're kidding!"
Mary says, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer."
Mary goes to sleep, and wakes
up at 3:00 am to get a
drink. On her way back
to bed, she notices Johnny wide
awake staring at the ceiling.
"There's no use John," she said
"You might as well go
to sleep."
"I would, except my dick's so
hard there's not enough
skin left to close my eyes!"
\\\//
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Subj: Bride
And Groom Each Have A Secret (S156, S582)
From: KMacinty on 02/11/2000
A young couple decided to wed.
As the big day approached,
they grew apprehensive.
Each had a problem they had never
before shared with anyone, not
even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his
fear, decided to ask his
father for advice. "Father,"
he said, "I am deeply concerned
about the success of my marriage.
I love my fiance, very
much, but you see, I have very
smelly feet, and I'm afraid
that my future wife will be
put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all
you have to do is wash your feet
as often as possible, and always
wear socks, even to bed."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her
fear, decided to take her
problem up her mom. "Mom,"
she said, "When I wake up in the
morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled,
"everyone has bad breath in
the morning."
"No, you don't understand.
My morning breath is so bad, I'm
afraid that my new husband
will not want to sleep in the
same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try
this. In the morning, get
straight out of bed, and head
for the bathroom and brush
your teeth. The key is,
not to say a word until you've
brushed your teeth. Not
a word," her mother affirmed.
Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally
married in a beautiful
ceremony. Not forgetting
the advice each had received,
he with his perpetual socks
and she with her morning
silence, they managed quite
well. That is, until about
six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband
wakes with a start to
find that one of his socks had
come off. Fearful of the
consequences, he frantically
searches the bed.
This, of course, woke his bride
and without thinking, she
immediately asks, "What on earth
are you doing?"
"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"
\\\//
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Subj: The
Code (S154)
From: collins2 on 01/14/2000
Mrs. Smith has three daughters
who are all getting married
within the same month.
She tells each one of her daughters
to write back about their married
life. To avoid possible
embarrassment to their new husbands
by openly discussing
their love lives, the mother
and daughters agree to using
newspaper advertisements as
a "code" to let the mother know
how their love lives are going.
The first one gets married and
the second day a telegram
arrives with a single message,
simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE".
Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper
and checks the Maxwell Coffee
House advertisement, and it
says: "Good to the last drop..."
So, Mrs. Smith is happy.
Then the second daughter gets
married. After a week, there
is a postcard that reads: "ROTHMAN'S
MATTRESSES". So, Mrs.
Smith looks at the Rothman's
Mattresses ad, and it says:
"FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mrs.
Smith is happy.
Then it is the third one's wedding.
Mrs. Smith is anxious
because two weeks have passed
and still no message from the
third daughter. Then after
four weeks comes a letter with
the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS".
And Mrs. Smith looks into the
British Airways ad, but this
time she faints. The ad
reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN
DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.
\\\//
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Subj: Man
w/Dick In Splint Has Honeymoon (S146, S357)
From: thebartend on 11/15/1999
and
From: DoctorDebt on 11/29/2003
A guy out on the golf course
takes a high speed ball right
in the crotch. Writhing
in agony, he falls to the ground.
He finally gets himself to the
doctor. He says, "How bad
is it doc? I'm going on
my honeymoon next week and my
fiance is still a virgin in
every way."
The doc said, "I'll have
to put your penis in a splint to
let it heal and keep it straight.
It should be okay next
week." So he took four tongue
depressors and formed a neat
little 4-sided bandage and wired
it all together. It was
an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this
to his girlfriend. They marry
and on their honeymoon night
in the motel room, she rips
open her blouse to reveal a
gorgeous set of breasts. This
was the first time he ever saw
them. She says, "You are the
first, no one has ever touched
these breasts."
He pulls down his pants, whips
it out and says, "Look at this,
it's still in the crate!"
\\\//
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Subj: Three
Sisters Honeymoon At Home (S113)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #295 on 3/24/99
Three sisters decided to get
married on the same day to save
their parents the expense of
separate weddings. As a further
step to reduce the price tag,
the three sisters resolved to
spend their honeymoon night
at home.
Later that night, their mother
couldn't sleep, so she went
to the kitchen for a cup of
tea. On her way, she tiptoed
by her oldest daughter's bedroom
and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself,
"That's normal, especially
on her wedding night."
She snuck by her second oldest
daughter's room and heard
her laughing. "That's
normal too," she said, smiling to
herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest
daughter's room where
she didn't hear a peep, but
she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen,
after the husbands had
gone out, the woman asked her
eldest daughter about last
night's noises. "Well Mom,"
she replied, "you always said
if it hurt, I should scream."
"You're absolutely right sweetheart,"
the mother assured
her, turning to her middle daughter.
"Now why were you
laughing?" she asked.
"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.
"True enough, honey." The mother
smiled, remembering her
newlywed days. "Now it's
your turn, baby," she said turning
to her youngest daughter.
"Why was it so quiet in your room
last night?"
"Mom, don't you remember? You
always told me to never talk
with my mouth full."
\\\//
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Subj: Three
Sisters Write After Homeymoons (S179, S349)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #318 on 6/25/00
and
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/29/2003
A mother had three daughters
and on their wedding day, she
would ask each of them to write
home and tell her about
their married life.
The first wrote back on the second
day after she got married.
The letter arrived with only
a single message, "Maxwell
Coffeehouse." The Mother
was confused at first, but finally
noticed a Maxwell coffee ad
on a newspaper, and it said;
"Satisfaction, to the last drop..."
So, the Mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got
married and after a week she
sent home a letter. There
was only one message, it read;
"Rothmans." So the Mother
looked for a Rothmans' ad, and it
says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE."
The Mother was happy.
After the third daughter got
married, the Mother was anxious
to receive a message from her
baby. It took 4 weeks for a
message to arrive. When
it did the message simply said
"BRITISH AIRWAYS." The
Mother was concerned. She frantically
looked through all the newspapers
at home for a British
Airways ad. She finally found
one and fainted.
The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
\\\//
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Subj: Marol's
Wedding Night Near Mama (S77)
From: thebartend on 98-07-20
Marol spent her wedding night
in her family home. As was
the tradition for many years
in her Italian family, the
bride's mother would be in the
room next door just in case
she needed the answer to any
nervous questions.
Mama's last word of advice before
Marol went in to the bridal
chamber to consumate her marriage
was " Marol, you have a any
a problem you come and a see
Mama"
So later when Marol unbuttoned
his shirt, she turned pale,
jumped up, ran next door and
said "Mama, Mama he has hair
all over his chest! Mama
reassuringly tells Marol, "Men
have a hair on their chest.
This is a sign of a good a man,
go now and a make him a happy."
When Marol's husband started
to unbutton her shirt, she went
pale again, jumped up, ran next
door and said "Mama, Mama he
is trying to undress me!
Mama reassuringly tells Marol, "He
must a undress you if he a gonna
make a real woman out a you.
He is a good a man Marol, go
now and a make him a happy.
All went well until her husband
took off his shoes. He was
wearing a prostectic foot (he
was missing missing half of
his right foot because of a
childhood accident) Marol, pale
once again jumped up, running
to the door said "Mama, Mama
he has a foot and a half!
Mama says" Stand a back Marol this is a job for Mama!!"
\\\//
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Subj: Newlyweds
Take Each Other's Picture
From: thebartend
On their first night to be together,
the newlywed couple go
to change. The new bride
comes out of the bathroom, all
showered and wearing her beautiful
robe. The proud husband
says, "my dear, we are married
now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens
her robe, and he is astonished.
"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims,
"My God you are so beautiful,
let me take your picture.
Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"
He answers, "yes my dear, so
I can carry your beauty next to
my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture,
and then he heads into
the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe
and the new wife asks, "why do
you wear a robe? We are
married now." at that the man opens
his robe and she exclaims,
"oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".
He beams and asks, "why?"
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!
\\\//
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Subj: Strangers
Marry And Go On Honeymoon (S231b)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #243
and
From: thebartend on 7/2/2001
A man met a beautiful lady and
he decided he wanted to marry
her right away. She said,
"But we don't know anything about
each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll
learn about each other as
we go along." She consented,
and they were married, and
went on a honeymoon to a very
nice resort.
One morning, they were lying
by the pool when he got up off
his towel, climbed up to the
10 meter board and did a two
and a half tuck gainer, entering
the water perfectly, almost
without a ripple. This
was followed by three rotations in
jackknife position before he
again straightened out and
cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations,
he came back and lay down on
his towel.
She said," That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic
diving champion. You see,
I told you we'd learn more about
ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the
pool and started doing laps.
She was moving so fast that
the froth from her pushing off
at one end of the pool would
hardly be gone before she was
already touching the other end
of the pool. She did laps
in freestyle, breast stroke,
even butterfly! After about
thirty laps, completed in mere
minutes, she climbed back out
and lay down on her towel, barely
breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible!
Were you an Olympic endurance
swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker
in Venice and I worked both
sides of the canal."
\\\//
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Subj: Carpenter,
Electrician And Dentist Play Tricks
From: thebartend on 98-04-16
A carpenter, an electrician,
and a dentist had a mutual friend
who was getting married, and
in keeping with the custom, each
was determined to play a practical
joke on the newlyweds.
The electrician decided to wire
up the marriage bed so that
when the two bodies touched,
they got a shock.
The carpenter planned to saw
partly through the bed frame so
that it would collapse when
the shocked newlyweds jumped apart.
And as the wedding approached,
the dentist was still scratching
his head and trying to come
up with something.
After the honeymoon, the new husband confronted his three friends:
"I didn't mind too much when
we got zapped," he told them, "and
we both had a good laugh when
the bed fell down. But who in hell
put Novocain in the Vaseline?"
\\\//
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Subj: Bride
Had Been With Arnold Palmer
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-21
A couple was on their honeymoon,
laying in bed, about ready
to consummate their marriage,
when the new bride says to the
husband, "I have a confession
to make-- I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Arnold Palmer."
"Arnold Palmer the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome.
I can see why you went
to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make
passionate love. When they
get done, the husband gets up
and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" says the
wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry.
I was going to call room
service and get some food."
"Arnie wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Arnie do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone
and goes back to bed to make
love with his wife a second
time. When they finish, he gets
up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She says.
The husband says, "I'm still
hungry so I was going to get room
service to get some food."
"Arnie wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Arnie do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone
and goes back to bed and makes
love to his wife one more time.
When they finish he's tired
and beat. He drags himself
over to the phone and starts to
dial. The wife asks, "Are
you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Palmer to find out what's par for this hole!"
\\\//
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Subj: Three
Honeymooning Couples In Suites
Three newly wed couples had honeymoon
suites side by side
with a common balcony.
In the first as they get undressed
the new husband says "my god
haven't you got huge tits" at
which the bride took offence
and kicked him out onto the
balcony.
In the second room as they disrobed
the guy say's "good
heavens, what a gigantic arse".
Again offence is taken
and he is kicked out onto the
balcony also.
While these two are sitting on
the balcony side by side,
the third chap comes flying
through the window to join them.
One of the others says "..and
did you put your foot in it as
well". The third husband
reply "NO... BUT I COULD HAVE DONE
IT!".
\\\//
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Subj: Where
Are We Now?
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-04-26
A honeymooning couple was passing
through Louisiana. When
they were approaching Lafayette,
they started arguing about
the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth
until they got to the town,
where they decided to stop for
lunch.
As they stood at the counter,
the man said, "Before we order,
could you please settle an argument
for us. Would you very
slowly pronounce where we are".
The guy behind the corner leaned
over and said, "Burrrrrrrr
gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing"
\\\//
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Subj: Bride
Sees Groom For First Time (S16, S320)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #25
and
From: Marshal B. verbally
A young couple left the church
and arrived at the hotel
where they were spending the
first night of their honey-
moon. They opened the
bottle of champagne and began
undressing. When the bridegroom
removed his socks,
his new wife asked, "Ewwww---what's
wrong with your feet?
Your toes look all mangled and
weird. Why are your feet
so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he said.
"You mean Polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with
this explanation, and they
continued undressing.
When the groom took off his pants,
his bride wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your
knees?" she asked. "They're
all lumpy and deformed".
"As a child, I also had kneasles." he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange
illness that only affected
my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied
with this answer. As the
undressing continued, her husband
at last removed his under-
wear. "Don't tell me,"
she said, "Let me guess, Small Cox."
\\\//
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Subj: Middle
Aged Couple Marry (S22, S329)
From: ipkis on 97-06-12
and
From: tadams96 on 5/21/2003
(See 'Fifth Marriage'
and 'Woman
Discusses Her Four Marriages' in MARRIAGE3)
A middle aged man and woman meet,
fall in love, and decide
to get married. On their
wedding night they settle into
the bridal suite at their hotel
and the bride says to her
new groom, "Please promise to
be gentle,... I am still a
virgin."
The startled groom says "How
can that be? You've been married
3 times before."
The bride responds... "Well you
see it was this way: My
first husband was a psychiatrist
and all he ever wanted to
do was talk about it."
"My second husband was a gynecologist
and all he ever wanted
to do was look at it."
"And my third husband was a stamp
collector and all he ever
wanted to do was...............God
I miss him!"
"But you're a lawyer, so now I *know* I'm gonna get screwed!"
\\\//
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Subj: Newly
Wed Couple And Their Pants (S139, S331)
From: The Bartender Joke Of The Day on 07/05/97
and
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/3/2003
A young couple, just married,
were in their honeymoon suite
on their wedding night.
As they undressed for bed, the
husband, who was a big burly
man, tossed his pants to his
bride and said, "here put these
on." She put them on, and
the waist was twice the size
of her body. "I can't wear your
pants," she said.
"That's right!!", said the husband,
"and don't you forget
it. I'm the man who wears the
pants in this family!"
The bride then flipped him her
panties and said, "try these
on." He tried them on
and found he could only get them on
as far as his kneecap.
He said, "Hell, I can't get into
your panties!"
She said, "That's right, and
that's the way it's going to be
until your damn attitude changes!"
\\\//
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Subj: Groom
Leaves Money For Bride
From: The Bartender Joke Of The Day on 07/05/97
A couple return from their honeymoon
and it's obvious to
everyone that they are not talking
to each other. The
groom's best man takes him aside
and asks what is wrong,
"Well," replied the man "when
we had finished making love
on the first night, as I got
up to go to the bathroom I
put a $50 bill on the pillow
without thinking."
"Oh, I shouldn't worry about
that too much," said his friend
"I'm sure your wife will get
over it soon enough - she can't
expect you to have been saving
yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and
said, "I don't know if I can get
over it though, she gave me
$20 change!"
\\\//
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Subj: Groom
Uses Those 4 Letter Words (S73, S328)
From: RFSlick on 98-06-21
and
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/16/2003
A young couple got married ?
went on a cruise for their
honeymoon. When they got
back from the honeymoon, the
bride immediately called her
mother, who lived a couple
of hours away.
"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mother," she replied, "the
honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic, we had a terrific
time! But, mother, as soon
as we returned, Sam began using
really horrible language...
Stuff I'd never heard before...
Really terrible 4-letter
words... You've got to
come get me and take me home...
PLEASE MOTHER!" The new
bride began to sob over the
telephone.
"But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother," said
the daughter, "they're
too awful! COME GET ME, P L
E A S E !!!"
"Darling daughter, you must tell
me what has you so upset.
Tell mother the 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said,
"Mother....words like:
DUST...WASH......IRON....COOK.
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Honeymoon Jokes
Top
Subj: Old
Couple Go On Honeymoon (S403b)
From: Anonymous Junior on 10/02/04
An old man and old woman got
married and went on their
honeymoon. They were in
bed getting ready to have sex
for the first time and the old
woman said I should tell
you I have acute angina.
The old man says I hope so,
you sure don't have cute tits.
Top
Subj: First
Honeymoon Night (S385)
From: mrx on 6/8/2004
"I must insist on knowing one
thing," said the groom as he
lay beside his bride in the
darkness of their honeymoon
suite. "Am I the first man to
sleep with you?"
"You will be, darling," answered
his bride, "if you
doze off."
Top
Subj: Bride
Demands Manners (S268c)
From: dogbyte on 3/20/2002
The nervous young bride became
irritated by her husband's
lusty advances on their wedding
night and reprimanded him
severely. "I demand proper
manners in bed," she declared,
"just as I do at the dinner
table."
Amused by his wife's formality,
the groom smoothed his
rumpled hair and climbed quietly
between the sheets. "Is
that better?" he asked, with
a hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband
whispered. "Now would
you be so kind as to please
pass the pussy?"
Top
Subj: Retiree
Goes On Honeymoon w/Showgirl (S181)
From: thebartend on 7/20/00
A flashy showgirl married a
97 year old retired well-to-do
general, largely in the belief
that the old codger would
never survive the wedding night.
While her new husband was in
the bathroom, the woman slipped
into a black see-through nightgown
and struck her most seductive
pose on the bed.
When the old man finally emerged,
she was startled to see that
he was stark naked except for
earplugs, a peg on his nose and a
condom. "Why are you wearing
those?" she asked in amazement.
"Because if there's anything
I just can't stand, " he grumbled,
"it's the sound of a woman screaming
and the smell of burning
rubber".
Top
Subj: Couple
Says 'Washing Machine'
From: TheBartend on 97-08-29
There was a couple who would
say washing machine when they
wanted sex. On their honeymoon
the groom carried his bride
over to the bed and said honey
washing machine. She said not
tonight honey I'm really tired
from today. Well they both
rolled over and turned off the
light to go to sleep. As
they were falling asleep she
started thinking about how it
is their wedding day and how
much she loved him. She rolled
over and said honey washing
machine. The groom replied don't
worry it was a small load so
I did it by hand.
From Bawdy.Net Collage #186
A recently completed scientific
study has shown conclusive
evidence that links the eating
of certain foods with reduced
sex drive in women. The food
at the top of the list was
wedding cake.
Top
Subj: Judi
Buys Deodorant For Jon
From: humorlist-digest V1 #232 on 97-10-25
Judi and Jon got married and
she was at the drug store
looking at the men's toiletries.
A clerk comes up to help
her and asks if she needs assistance.
"I'm looking for some deodorant
for my new husband
Jon, but I don't know what type
he uses."
The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"
"No," says Judi, it's for his
underarms."
A "Bridal Guide" survey reveals
that 77% of all newlywed
couples do this. Sex in
rooms other than the bedroom.
A law in Oblong, Illinois makes
it a crime to make love
while fishing or hunting on
your wedding day.
In the state of Washington there
is a law against having
sex with a virgin under any
circumstances. (including the
wedding night)
From: Anonymous Junior on 10/02/04
(S403b - greek)
Q: What's long and hard that
a Greek bride gets
on her wedding
night?
A: A new last name.
\\\//
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 |
Smileys on their Honeymoon
from
Smiley_Central |