women1

.

>>>
Subj: Women1 Jokes
(Includes 24 jokes and articles, 10849n,6,cf,?)
Blader from
AGAG Animation Gallery

"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

WOMEN1 contains jokes
WOMEN2 contains list type jokes
WOMEN3 contains oddities and short jokes
============================================================Top

Subj:     Smack The Pony (S506c)
          From: darrell94590
          on 10/5/2006

This 1,700 KB, female fantasy movie is about a sexy, male,
window washer. You can view it on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Maxine: That Grand Old Girl! (S408b)
          From: hellgunner50 on 11/11/2004
          (See COMIC5 and COMIC6 for thirteen Maxine comics)

1. Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't use the cell
    phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for
    making gestures."
2. Maxine on "Life" - "Life is like an oven. It
    burns my buns."
3. Maxine on "Housework" - "I do my housework in the
    nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors
    as quickly as possible."
4. Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a
    nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one
    who is muscular and shirtless." *****
5. Maxine on "the Perfect Man" - "All I'm looking
    for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for
    as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby,
    like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when
    needed." ****
6. Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has
    really improved over the years. Now I can nail a
    co-worker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band
    at 20 yards." *****
7. Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" - "My idea
    of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
8. Maxine on "Aging" - "Take every birthday with a
    grain of salt This works much better if the salt
    accompanies a large margarita ******

Top
Subj: Lady Loses Her Handbag (S328, S603c)
From: LABLaughs.com on 5/7/2003

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the
mall. It was found by an honest little boy, who returned
it to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmm,
that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill
in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last
time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change
for a reward."

Top
Subj: Lady Loses Her Handbag II (S340b, DU)
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/29/2003

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under
the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that
the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up,
several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed
me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing
the contents of my purse. "We're required to inventory lost
wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find
everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook,
the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even
though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into
your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it."

Top

Subj:     Wild Women of Whippoorwill (S619)
          From: rfslick
          on 10/28/2008

Source: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=pt9lErsLafw

This home movie is hilarious. The laughter of the women
of the women participants is contagious. Click 'HERE'
to see the video.

Top
Subj:     Women Empowerment (S313b, DU)
          From: thebartend on 98-08-31
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 1/30/2003

At an international women's conference the topic for
discussion was how to empower women in the home.

The first speaker was the British representative. She
stood up and said; "I decided to make a stand against
my husband's oppression and so I told him that I would
no longer be doing the washing. After the first day I
saw no result; after the second day I saw nothing; but
after the third day he did his own washing." The
delegates applauded this brave stand for women's rights.

The second speaker was from America. She stood up and
said; " I told my husband that I was no longer prepared
to cook for him as it was a form of enslavement. After
the first day I saw no result, after the second day I
saw no result; but after the third day he cooked a meal
for the both of us." Again the conference applauded.

Next came the Australian delegate. She said; "I told
my husband that I would no longer be doing the shopping.
After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day
I saw nothing; but after the third day I could see a
little bit out of my left eye."

Top
Subj: Two Women In The Locker Room (S741)
From: Playboy in January of 1997

Two women were dressing in the locker room after their
aerobics class when one noticed that the other was pulling
on a pair of men's briefs. "So when did you start wearing
men's underwear?" the first asked.

"Ever since my husband found a strange pair under the bed."

Top
Subj: Three Women In The Locker Room (S15)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-05-13

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play
racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing
nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis.
"He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his
penis. "He's not my husband either." She says, also not
recognizing the equipment.

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he
runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a
member of this club."

Top

Subj: The Seven Dwarves of Menopause (S478b)
From: darrell94590 on 3/16/2006

To view this cute cartoon on my web site, click 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: Picking A Secretary (S382b)
(See 'Picking A Wife' in MARRIAGE3)

An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified,
to fill one vacancy. "Well," thought the manager, "I'll give
them an honesty test. He gave each secretary a money bag to
take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In
fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)

The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money,
banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager.

The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra
money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip
as proof.

The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money,
banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300,
then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the
money.

Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain?
Answer: The one with the biggest tits!

Top
Subj: Two Las Vegas Showgirls (DU)
From: Playboy January 1997

Two Las Vegas showgirls were putting on their makeup. One
sported a huge diamond ring.

"Connie," the other remarked, eyeing the bauble, "you're so
lucky to have found the right guy. Where'd you meet him?"

"We met at a bar," she replied. "It was love at second sight."

"Second sight?"

"Yeah," Connie replied. "The first time I saw him, I didn't
know he was rich."

Top
Subj: Three Women Discussing Boyfriends (DU)

These three women were sitting around one night talking about
there boyfriends when they decided they would give their men
nicknames based on types of soda.

The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew"
because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to
do it!"

The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because
he has seven inches and it is always up!"

The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels."
The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's a
hard liquor." The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"

Top

Subj: 16 Signs That You Are Having A Bad Day
From: rfslick on 4/27/2008 (S589 in Cats1)

These sixteen cat pictures and sayings are quite cute.
You can view them on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     A Woman Says Yes For Money (S413, S741)
          From: JokesUncut on 12/21/2004
         (see "Appartment For Rent" in HOOKER file)

Two fairly good looking young men were in a bar getting pretty
drunk when in walked a young woman. One gent turned to the
other and remarked, "I'd give $500.00 to spend the night with
that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard
the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on
that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after
bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young
lady to her apartment. The following morning, the man presented
her with $250.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest
of the money, stating: "If you don't give me the other $250.00,
I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you
get it on these grounds."

The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering
his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to
his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said:
"She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds,
but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the
court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner
of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse
growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the
defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $500.00.
The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively
for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the
premises, he paid only $250.00, one-half the amount agreed upon.
The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and
we ask judgement be granted against the defendant to assure payment
of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his
opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, was some-
what different from the way he originally planned to present it.
"Your honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine
piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and
a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However,
my client found a well on the property around which he placed his
own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed
personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property
were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff
was adequately compensated for rental of said property. We, there-
fore, ask that judgement not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered thusly: "Your honor, my client
agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However,
had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never
have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the
defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the
pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment
through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was
prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to
others. We, therefore, ask that judgement be granted." She won the
case.

Top
Subj:     Widow Farmer And Two Skiers (S226, S643c)
          From: agrief on 5/25/2001
      and From: tom on 5/8/2009

Miles and Jonathan decide to go skiing one weekend, so they
load up Miles' station wagon and head toward the Sierras.
After driving for a few hours, they get caught in a terrible
blizzard.

They pull up to an enormous farmhouse and ask the attractive
lady of the house if they can spend the night. "I'm recently
widowed," she explains, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will
talk if I let you stay in my house." Jonathan asked, "We'll
be happy to sleep in one of your barns, if that's okay."

Nine months later, Jonathan receives a letter from the widow's
attorney. He calls up his friend Miles and says, "Say, Miles,
do you remember that good looking widow at the farm we stayed
at?"

"Uh, yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up
to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her yours?"

Miles' face turns red and he says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks a lot, Buddy!...she just died and left me her farm."

Top
Subj: Woman Picks Up Hitch Hiker

A lonely divorcee was driving home from work one evening
when she saw a man trying to hitch a ride. She picked him
up and they got to talking.

"What do you do?" she asked him.

"I recently escaped from prison for having killed my wife."

"Oh, does that mean you are available?"

Top
Subj: Woman Pressure (S432)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/5/2005
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20050202

Top
Subj: Georgeous Woman At Roulette Table
(See 'Nude Craps' in GAMES)

A gorgeous woman wearing a fur coat goes to the roulette
table and begins placing bets. After the wheel comes to
a stop, the croupier places a huge pile of chips on the
winning number. She leans forward, her fur coat falls
open revealing she's totally nude, she picks up the huge
stack of chips and waltzes out with them. The croupier
turns to the pit boss and says, "Was that her number?"
The pit boss says, "Don't you know?".

Top
Subj: Man And Woman In Falling Elevator
(See 'Last Wish Before A Plane Crash' in PLANE1)

This man and a woman are alone (together) in an elevator
going to the top of the empire state. Anyway as they
almost reach the very top the elevator the cable snaps!
As they are plunging to their deaths. The woman faces
the man and says: "Before I die, I want you to make me
feel like a woman".

The man grabs his shirt, rips it off, and throws it on the
ground. He then points to it and says "Okay, Iron that!"

Top
Subj: Two Nude Girls And Blind Man
From: Kelly's Bar Jokes

One day these two girls were hired to clean this guys house.
While they were there the AC broke so one of the girls said,
"Hey, since no one is here and its so hot in here lets take
off our clothes." The other girl agreed. So they took
their clothes off. Later that day they heard a knock at the
door. One of the girls went to the door and asked who it was.
"Blind man," the person answered. The girl said, "Hey, since
he's blind he can't see us." She let him in. As soon as the
blindman stepped in he said, "nice tits where do you want
these blinds."

Top
Subj: I'm Glad I'm A Woman
From: humorlist-digest V1 #210 on 97-09-28

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true

Top

Subj: Acting School Cartoon (S563c)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/5/2007
Source: http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22717.htm

You can view this cute cartoon at the source above,
or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: Horny Woman (S21)
From: Vegas Jokes Archive on 06/27/97

A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back
seat. They make love, but the girl wants it again and the
guy complies. She wants more and they do it again. She
still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute, I
have to relieve myself."

While out of the car he notices a man half a block away
changing a flat. He asks the man, "Look, I've got this gal
in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and
she still wants more....! I'll change your flat if you'll
take over for me."

So that's what the man does and he is just getting in the
"High Numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines
a light on them.

The cop asks "What are you doing in there?"

The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."

The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"

The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it
was my wife until you shined the light on her."

Top
Subj:     Sunbathing On The Roof (S304)
          From: Vegas Jokes Archive on 06/27/97
      and From: thebartend on 11/25/2002

Joan, a rather well-proportioned ? near-sighted secretary,
spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of
her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first few days,
but always removed her glasses for an even facial tan.

After several days she decided that no one could see her
way up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall
tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up
the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just
pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant
manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the
stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the
roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a
bathing suit as you have for the past week."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.
"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with
a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're
lying on the dining room skylight."

Top
Subj:     In Praise Of Older Women (S39, S537b)
          (which in our society means over 25)
          From: Imogenelumen on 10/8/2003
      and From: Carfal on 5/2/2007
(Also see 'Advice To A Young Man On The Choice Of A Mistress'
in THOUGHTS-QUOTED)

Frank Kaiser says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over
40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will
laugh. A younger woman wearing the same hat will always
look like a lampshade in a brothel.

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the
night to ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman
doesn't care what you think.

An older woman always carries a purse full of emergency
supplies. Young women go hungry and bleed to death every
time there's a natural disaster.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A
younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will
cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you
after a cup of a herbal tea.

The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and
the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets... which
is why nature intended young guys to go out with older
women and young women to go out with older men. Older
women have superior sexual stamina. ?already knew this
ohhh yes I did, wink>

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day
without looking like she just had an adventure inside a
jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Older women can run faster because they're always wearing
sensible shoes.

An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost
always already attached to someone, so there's no need to
develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing
she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent
lover!

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you
that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young
woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might
break up with her. An older woman puts herself on a pedestal.

If you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an
older woman will just mistake you for another one of her
children and let you live at her house rent-free. Older
women can afford to support you.

An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly
demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you
impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last
to know...

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women
can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing
hockey.

An older woman will never accuse you of "using her."
She's using you.

Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman
will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman
will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...

Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial
967-1111. ?yep cook gourmet meals 7 nights a week and still
have time to play on aol>

An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to
her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often
ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the
guy with other women. Older women couldn't care less.

Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to
having an affair, because somehow they always know.

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie
that they have acquired from admirers over the years.
Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus
practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.

Older women know what Kegel exercises are. ?Hav??? are
you listening???>

An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for
a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in
front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.

Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming
match with you at the opera or in the middle of an
expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they
won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get
away with it.

Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes,
after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman
may need some time to grasp this fact.

An older woman has lots of girlfriends... and most of them
will want to boff you too.

An older woman will always meet the minimum height
requirement to go on an amusement ride.

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best
years of her youth because chances are someone else has
stolen them first. ?like husbands??>

From: gheckman on 12/21/2001

Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness
and are generous with praise, often undeserved.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you
right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. Yes,
we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortun-
ately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart,
well-coifed babe of 70 there is a bald, paunchy relic in
yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year
old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize for all of us. That men are genetically
inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off
at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your
lives to appreciate the exquisite woman you've become. With-
out the distraction of some demanding old fart clinging and
whining his way into your serenity.

This commentary was written by Frank Kaiser in 2000 as
verified by snopes.com at
http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/rooney2.asp

Top

Subj: The Joy of Bicycling (S619b in Bicycle)
From: darrellvip on 11/19/2008

This cute, off-color movie will show you one of
the joys of bicycling. Click 'HERE' to view it.

\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
.
.............................A happy Smiley from Smiley_Central
.
.