Subj: Women2 Jokes
(Includes 24 jokes and articles, 12 1104n,7,cL4f,wXT4a5a,4)
Accent on Animation
WOMEN1 contains jokes
WOMEN2 contains list type jokes
WOMEN3 contains oddities and short jokes
Subj: Hula Hoop Animated GIF (S1021)
From: Jon Pasco in 2016
Subj: What I Want In A Man (S298, S626)
From: KMACINTY in 2002
Subject: 5 Secrets to a Great Relationship
1. It is important to find a
man who works
around the house, occasionally cooks and
cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a
man who makes
3. It is important to find a
man who is
dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a
man who's good
in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet.
Subj: The Woman's Prayer (S116)
From: Tom_Adams in 1999
Which art in Hermes,
Hallowed be thy Gucci.
Thy Cartier watch,
Thy Coach and Dooney and Burke bags,
As it is in Tiffany's.
Give us this day, our Visa Titanium
And forgive us this overdraft,
As we forgive those who decline our Mastercard.
Lead us not into JC Penney,
And deliver us from Sears.
For thine is the Channel, the Gaultier, and the Versace,
For Dolce and Gabbana...
The Flasher (S667b,dwmv)
From: lubin100 in 2009
A woman's purse gets stuck too
high on a building and a
flasher helps. Click 'HERE' to see this silly, short WMV video.
Subj: The Rules
From: Ossama's Laugh in 1998
1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the
Male knows all THE RULES,
she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female
is wrong, it is because of
a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the
Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male
must apologize immediately
for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change
his mind without the
express, written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right
to be angry or upset at
11. The Male must remain calm
at all times, unless
the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no
circumstances, let the
Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read
the mind of the Female
at all times.
14. At all times, what is important
is what the Female
meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide
by THE RULES, it is because
he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all
THE RULES are null and void
and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. Any attempt to document THE
RULES could result in
18. If the Male, at any time,
believes he is right,
he must refer to Rule #5.
Subj: Why Women Are Crabby (S413)
From: LABLaughsAdult in 2004
We started to "bud" in our blouses
at 9 or 10 years old only
to find that anything that came in contact with those tender,
blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the
ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the
boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our
early to mid-teens (or sooner).
Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got
the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between
our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we
didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage
(premarital or not) was having
sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a
ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it
right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse),
leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it' was off to Motherhood
where we learned to live on dry
crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the
entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing
creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with
the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards
night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have
Our once flat bellies looked
like we swallowed a watermelon
whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the
big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions
invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to
waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way
to the ER.
Then it was huff and puff and
beg to die while the OB says,
"Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push.
Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong,
well-deserved impulse to punch the ***** (and hubby) square in
the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb
bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise
those angels only to find that
when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings
morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing,
life-sucking little poop machines.
Then come their teen years. Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown,
we women hit our voracious
sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere
around his 18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand
finale: "The Menopause," the
Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance
cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned
Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets
and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to
be more spiteful than men when
men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being
able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman,
"Womanhood" would make the
Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah
right. Bite me.
Subj: Arguing With A Woman (S1066)
From: AFine963 in 2017
Subj: Ladies Vs A Real Woman (S342)
From: janeenmarie in 2003
Ladies - Cure for headaches:
Take a lime, cut it in half and
rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Woman - Take a lime, mix
it with tequila, chill and drink
You might still have the headache, but who cares?
Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow
in the bottom
of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Woman - Just suck the ice
cream out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on
the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Ladies - To keep potatoes from
budding, place an apple
in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Woman - Buy boxed mashed
potato mix and keep it
in the pantry for up to a year.
Ladies - When a cake recipe calls
for flouring the baking pan,
use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't
be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Real Woman - Go to the bakery
- they'll even decorate
it for you.
Ladies - If you have a problem
opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that
makes opening jars easy.
Real Woman - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.
And finally the most important tip....
Ladies - Don't throw out all
that leftover wine. Freeze into
ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Woman - Leftover wine??
A good friend will come and bail
you out of jail...
but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying,
"Damn... that sure was fun!"
Subj: More Real Women (S347b)
From: Imogenelumen in 2003
Ladies - If you accidentally
over-salt a dish while it's still
cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess
salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Real Women - If you over-salt
a dish while you are cooking,
that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's
motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how
bad it tastes."
Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women - Sara Lee frozen
freakin pie directions do not
include brushing egg whites, so I don't do it.
Subj: Three Women Discuss Sex Lives (S312)
From: LABLaughs.com in 2003
(See 'Rekindling A Relationship' in Marriage6)
Three women were sitting around
talking about their sex
lives. The first said, "I think my husband's like a
championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years
perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's
like the winner
of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives
me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until
she was asked, "Tell
us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and
said, "My husband's like
an Olympic gold- medal-winning quarter-miler."
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
Women In Mid-Life (S286, S479)
From: pns in 2002
To view 'Women In Mid-Life', click 'HERE'.
Subj: The Geography Of A Woman (S295, S563b)
From: pns in 2002
Between 18 and 20 a woman is
like Africa, half discovered,
half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is
like America, well developed
and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like
India, very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is
like France. Gently aging but
still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like
Yugoslavia, lost the war -
haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now
Between 51 and 60, she is like
Russia, very wide and borders
are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is
like Mongolia, with a glorious
and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan.
Most everyone knows
where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography Of A Man
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran, Ruled by a prick.
Subj: Women Into "S And M" (S283)
From: twistedhumor.com in 2002
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th
class reunion, and they
haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to
talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation
covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and
finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get
it on every week or so but it's
no big adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S and M."
Sue is aghast. "Really Sally,
I never would have guessed
that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate."
Subj: Women's T-Shirt Slogans: (S164)
From: RWTmpkns in 2000
1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
4. At my age, I've
seen it all, done it all, heard it
all... I just can't remember it all.
5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.
6. Princess, having
had sufficient experience with
princes, seeks frog.
7. Coffee, chocolate,
men... Some things are
just better rich.
8. Don't treat me
any differently than you would
9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
11. It's hard to be nostalgic
when you can't
12. My husband could have
had any women he pleased--
he just couldn't please any!
13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
15. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
16. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
17. Of course I don't
look busy...I did it right
the first time.
18. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
19. You have the right
to remain silent, so
please SHUT UP.
20. My husband is the
head of the household, but I'm
the neck (and the neck can turn the head anyway it
wants it to move).
21. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
22. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
23. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
24. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
25. I run things at my
house! (e.g. the vacuum cleaner,
washing machine, iron, etc.)
Subj: What I Want In A Man II (S129, S689b)
From: gheckman in 2002
Age 22: What I Want in a Man
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover, every day of the week
|Drawing from tom on 8/21/2009|
1. Nice looking (prefer hair
on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least 4-5 times a week
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
11. Interested in romance 2-3 times a week
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
11. Hope for a kiss each day
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
11. Remembers what romance was like
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
Big Lady (S453b)
The question is, "What does a
320 pound woman look like?"
Now, before you look at her pictures, get a mental image
of what you think a woman who weighs 320 looks like....
You can view the two pictures by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: All The Girls We've Loved Before (S480c)
From: DoctorDebt in 2006
Milords, Ladies and Gentlemen,
Kindly raise your glasses to
all the girls we've loved in the past.
Brigette Bardot 71
Stella Stevens 68
Sophia Loren 71
Gina Lollobrigida 78
Deborah Kerr 94
Lena Horne 88
Kay Starr 83
Patti Page 78
Annette Funicello 63
Barbara Eden 71
Angie Dickenson 74
Doris Day 81
Joan Collins 72
Julie Christie 64
Leslie Caron 74
Carroll Baker 74
Debra Padget 72
Julie Andrews 70
Ursula Andress 69
Rita Moreno 74
Jean Simmons 76
Julie Newmar 72
Kim Novak 72
Jane Powell 76
Debbie Reynolds 73
Shirley Temple 77
Jane Russell 84
Kathryn Grayson 83
Esther Williams 82
Elke Sommer 65
Gale Storm 83
Jill St. John 65
Liz Taylor 73
Mamie Van Doren 74
UNBELIEVEABLE, HOW IN THE WORLD
DID THEY GET OLD AND WE DIDN'T ?
Subj: A Guide To Love For Today's Young Women (S53)
From: Ossama's Laugh in 1998
As a young, modern women of the
nineties, you no doubt have
many questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In
this sensitive and frank "question and answer" format, noted
sex therapist Dr Rut explains everythiong you've ever wondered
Q: Where can I find the man of
A: This is a difficult question, since every woman probably
has a different ideal of what her own personal Prince
Charming should act and look like.
However, when it comes to finding
Mr Right, I can give you
a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar.
That's right, go to a bar... preferably the kind that
smells of stale beer and lots of men crowded around
watching a sports event on television. Pick a man that
looks interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow
"pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles.
Instead, I recommend you pick somebody a little older and
wiser, possibly reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him,
offer to buy him a few beers, then invite him back to your
place. He'll advise you from there.
Q: How do I know if I found Mr
A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I
suggest you tryout many different kinds of men and many
different kinds of bars.
Q: Do men like aggresive women?
A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often
shy - so it's up to you to be bold. In addition to bars,
don't be affraid to approach men on streetcorners, in
restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice with simple
"hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks -
even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your
Q: What if a man's married?
A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the
valuable experience a married man possesses, without being
tied down by any sort of commitment.
Q: But what if I fall in love
with a married man?
A: This is a tough one, especially if you find yourself
pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family.
If he says his wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking
of leaving her, believe him and continue your relationship,
secure in the knowledge that he'll soon make good his
promise. Married men rarely lie about such important
Q: How do I know if I'm ready
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right.
When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible,
since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a
Q: Should I have sex on the first
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during
the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important
thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells
you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you
to do certain things that may at first seem strangeto you.
Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't
feel ashamed or embarressed. After your man has finished
making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you
suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or
perhaps another activity, such as going out with his
friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large
amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts
with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone
you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleanig his
apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay" ?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to
replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list
of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking.
This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a
sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving
him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an
Q: Does the size of the penis
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not
quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not
true. The average erect male penis measures about six
centimeters. Anything longer than that is extremely rare
and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven
centimeters or over, you should go down on yor knees and
thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please
him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and
buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the female orgasm
A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
Q: Are you sure ?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust
men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for
your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift.
Subj: A Women's Little Instruction Book
From: Ossama's Laugh in 1998
1. If you think the way to a
man's heart is through his
stomach you're aiming too high.
2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:
you're sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He
probably lies about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she
asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try
7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never
8. A man who can dress himself without looking like
Wurzel Gummidge is Turzel Gummidge..
9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces
so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the
bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband,
you will usually find that he does already..
12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do
the work of five men -- a woman.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men --
strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could
still use them.
14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and
potentially violent, but they make great pets.
15. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough
cells per man.
16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive
to men - "don't" and "stop" (unless they're used together).
17. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're
18. If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day
and he will be back to his usual self.
19. All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when
they see beautiful women pass by.
20. If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at
you all of a sudden he is probably checking out the
women behind you.
21. Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle
in a car, once you think you have it all put together,
you find another piece but you don't know where it goes.
Subj: Maxine (S697)
From: darrellvip in 2010
Subj: Ideal Woman!
From: ipkis on 97-06-07
See if you are the ideal woman.
How many of these
statements do you say?
1 - Just sit there and
watch the game. I don't mind.
2 - I would love a menage a trois. I'll call my sister over.
3 - Can I run out and buy you more beer?
4 - Don't move, I made you breakfast in bed.
5 - I bought you season tickets to your favorite pro team.
6 - Yea, go out with your buddies. I don't mind watching
TV by myself.
7 - You take it easy. I'll wash and wax your car.
8 - Size isn't important.
9 - I love when you flick through the channels that fast.
10 - Let's watch the Three Stooges.
11 - I like your hair just the way it is.
12 - I love you. 69 ways!
13 - Birthdays aren't important.
14 - You'll remember next year.
15 - A frying pan. Just what I always wanted.
16 - I can't think of a better vacation then
driving to the Baseball Hall Of Fame.
ARE YOU THE IDEAL WOMAN?
How many would you say?
0 --- You are you are a feminist. And you know it.
1-3 --- You are you are a feminist, but your man doesn't know it.
4-7 --- Your man controls you.
8-12 --- You would make a great wife.
13-16 -- You are a man's Ideal woman. You are also a bimbo.
Subj: Women - A Psychological Analysis
If you kiss her, you are not
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'
If you don't, you are half a man
If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you are not, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you aren't , she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel
If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage of her
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics
If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring
If she talks, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk
CONCLUSION: These creatures called
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
Subj: Who's Easy: A Statistical Analysis Of Promiscuity
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #173 on May 1997
70% of women who smoke have had
more than 4 lovers in the
last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.
Women who respond to sex surveys
in mags like Cosmo may
have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.
Women who read romance novels
have sex twice as often as
those who don't.
Women with a Ph.D are twice as
likely to be turned on by
the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a
Women who went to collage are
more likely to enjoy oral
sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.
National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.
In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines
and necklines of
unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during
Women who have a postive attitude
towards sex tend to be
less achievement oriented.
White teenage girls who live
with single mothers are 60%
more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those
who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower
for Black girls.
Women who lost their virginity
before their 18th birthday
are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.
Atheists, non-Christians and
Jews are tend to be more
sexually active than practicing Christians.
Women who have spent a night
in jail are almost 50% more
likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year
than women with no criminal record.
Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.
Latino women have sex more often
than either Blacks or
Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.
Black women are 50% more likely
than White women to come
every time they have sex.
White women, especially those
with a college degree, are
the most receptive to anal sex.
20% of women who live with their
boyfriends have more than
one sex partner.
(Ed's Note: So, you know what
this means? Yup. All you
guys have to go looking for a half Aussie/half Latino
Atheist with a Ph.D, wearing a low neckline, high heels,
smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbra
Cartland, and who lived with her single mom! Shouldn't
be too hard.
Making A Man Irrestible To Women
..........in 2005 (S456b)
You can view this cute cartoon by clicking 'HERE'.