women2

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Subj: Women2 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 24 jokes and articles)

WOMEN1 contains jokes
WOMEN2 contains list type jokes
WOMEN3 contains oddities and short jokes
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Subj:     Women In Mid-Life (S286, S479)
          From: pns on 7/20/2002
      and From:LABLaughsAdult on 3/20/2006

To view 'Women In Mid-Life', click 'HERE'.

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Subj:     All The Girls We've Loved Before (S480c)
          From: DoctorDebt on 3/26/2006

Milords, Ladies and Gentlemen, Kindly raise your glasses to
all the girls we've loved in the past.

Brigette Bardot 71

Stella Stevens 68

Sophia Loren 71

Gina Lollobrigida 78

Deborah Kerr 94

Lena Horne 88

Kay Starr 83

Patti Page 78

Annette Funicello 63

Barbara Eden 71

Angie Dickenson 74

Doris Day 81

Joan Collins 72

Julie Christie 64

Leslie Caron 74

Carroll Baker 74

Ann-Margret 64

Debra Padget 72

Julie Andrews 70

Ursula Andress 69

Rita Moreno 74

Jean Simmons 76

Julie Newmar 72

Kim Novak 72

Jane Powell 76

Debbie Reynolds 73

Shirley Temple 77

Jane Russell 84

Kathryn Grayson 83

Esther Williams 82

Elke Sommer 65

Gale Storm 83

Jill St. John 65

Liz Taylor 73

Mamie Van Doren 74

UNBELIEVEABLE, HOW IN THE WORLD

DID THEY GET OLD AND WE DIDN'T ?

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Subj:     Why Women Are Crabby (S413)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/23/2004

We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only
to find that anything that came in contact with those tender,
blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the
ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the
boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner).
Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got
the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between
our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we
didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having
sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a
ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it
right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse),
leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry
crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the
entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing
creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with
the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards
night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have
Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon
whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the
big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions
invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to
waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way
to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says,
"Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push.
Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong,
well-deserved impulse to punch the ***** (and hubby) square in
the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb
bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that
when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings
morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing,
life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their teen years. Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious
sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere
around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the
Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance
cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned
Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets
and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when
men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being
able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the
Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah
right. Bite me.

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Subj:     Womanhood (S370)
          by Unknown Brilliant Woman Author
          From: Imogenelumen on 2/18/2004

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them
down and forget where they left them. Isn't that the TRUTH!!!

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can
make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear
really tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when
you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because
by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain
consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing
together and setting my pantyhose on fire. (loved this one)

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and
it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things
like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've
forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys.
But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special
kind of stupid to forget to eat. (so true)

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control
pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited
about nothing and then they marry him. (another truth)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of
stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving
too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody
older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

Celebrate Womanhood! Share this with all of those amazingly
brilliant and tremendously talented women who are intelligent
enough to call YOU their friend :-) !!!

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Subj:     Ladies Vs A Real Woman (S342)
          From: janeenmarie on 8/18/2003

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and
rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Woman - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink
You might still have the headache, but who cares?

*************************************************************

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom
of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Woman - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on
the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

*************************************************************

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple
in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Woman - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it
in the pantry for up to a year.

*************************************************************

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan,
use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't
be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Real Woman - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate
it for you.

*************************************************************

Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that
makes opening jars easy.

Real Woman - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.

*************************************************************

And finally the most important tip....

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into
ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Woman - Leftover wine??

**************************************************************

And remember~

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...
but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying,
"Damn... that sure was fun!"

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Subj: More Real Women (S347b)
From: Imogenelumen on 9/24/2003

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still
cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess
salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking,
that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's
motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how
bad it tastes."

**************************************************************
Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Women - Sara Lee frozen freakin pie directions do not
include brushing egg whites, so I don't do it.

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Subj:     Three Women Discuss Sex Lives (S312)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 1/17/2003

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex
lives. The first said, "I think my husband's like a
championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years
perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner
of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives
me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell
us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like
an Olympic gold- medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

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Subj:     The Geography Of A Woman (S295, S563b)
          From: pns on 9/25/2002
      and From: darrellvip on 11/7/2007

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered,
half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed
and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but
still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war -
haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now
necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders
are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious
and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows
where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography Of A Man

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran, Ruled by a prick.

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Subj:     Women Into "S And M" (S283)
          From: http://www.twistedhumor.com on 6/27/02

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they
haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to
talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation
covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and
finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's
no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S?M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed
that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate."

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Subj:     Woman Fighting In Afghanistan (S247)
          From: gheckman on 10/25/2001

So true, it hurts!

Gayle

This is a great idea!

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause
- train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons,
grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones,
chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably)
across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes
naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing
standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is
formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to
protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from
our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those
of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man
with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck
by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the
carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and
saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can
easily survive months in the hostile terrain of
Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in
hardware stores, bars, or sporting events...finding bin
Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new
government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating
arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanks-
giving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every
trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up
bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find
that money and we know how to seize it ... with or with-
out the government's help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine
their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over
their godforsaken terrain. I'm going to write my Congress-
woman. You should, too!

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Subj:     Women's T-Shirt Slogans: (S164)
          From: RWTmpkns on 3/18/00

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.

2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it
all... I just can't remember it all.

5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.

6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with
princes, seeks frog.

7. Coffee, chocolate, men... Some things are
just better rich.

8. Don't treat me any differently than you would
the Queen.

9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't
remember anything.

12. My husband could have had any women he pleased--
he just couldn't please any!

13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

15. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

16. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

17. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right
the first time.

18. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

19. You have the right to remain silent, so
please SHUT UP.

   20. My husband is the head of the household, but I'm
       the neck (and the neck can turn the head anyway it
       wants it to move).

21. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

22. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

23. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

24. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

25. I run things at my house! (e.g. the vacuum cleaner,
washing machine, iron, etc.)

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Subj:     What I Want In A Man (S129)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/13/99
      and From: gheckman on 1/7/2002

Age 22: What I Want in a Man

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover, every day of the week

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Age 32, Revised List: What I Want in a Man

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least 4-5 times a week

?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>

Age 42, Revised List: What I Want in a Man

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
11. Interested in romance 2-3 times a week

?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>

Age 52, Revised List: What I Want in a Man

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
11. Hope for a kiss each day

?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>

Age 62, Revised List: What I Want in a Man

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
11. Remembers what romance was like

?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>~?>

Age 72, Revised List: What I Want in a Man

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

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Subj:     What I Want In A Man II (S298)
          From: KMACINTY on 10/15/2002

Subject: 5 Secrets to a Great Relationship

1. It is important to find a man who works
around the house, occasionally cooks and
cleans and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a man who makes
you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man who is
dependable and doesn't lie.

4. It is important to find a man who's good
in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

5. It is important that these four men never meet.

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Subj:     Big Lady (S453b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 9/20/2005

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19990529
     and http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19990530

The question is, "What does a 320 pound woman look like?"
Now, before you look at her pictures, get a mental image
of what you think a woman who weighs 320 looks like....

You can view the two pictures at the sources above, or on
my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     The Woman's Prayer (S116)
          From: Tom_Adams on 4/19/99

      Armani,
      Which art in Hermes,
      Hallowed be thy Gucci.
      Thy Cartier watch,
      Thy Coach and Dooney ? Burke bags,
      On Rodeo,
      As it is in Tiffany's.
      Give us this day, our Visa Titanium
      And forgive us this overdraft,
      As we forgive those who decline our Mastercard.
      Lead us not into JC Penney,
      And deliver us from Sears.
      For thine is the Channel, the Gaultier, and the Versace,
      For Dolce and Gabbana...

Amex

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Subj:     A Guide To Love For Today's Young Women (S53)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98

As a young, modern women of the nineties, you no doubt have
many questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In
this sensitive and frank "question and answer" format, noted
sex therapist Dr Rut explains everythiong you've ever wondered
about.

Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams?
A: This is a difficult question, since every woman probably
has a different ideal of what her own personal Prince
Charming should act and look like.

However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give you
a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar.
That's right, go to a bar... preferably the kind that
smells of stale beer and lots of men crowded around
watching a sports event on television. Pick a man that
looks interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow
"pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles.
Instead, I recommend you pick somebody a little older and
wiser, possibly reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him,
offer to buy him a few beers, then invite him back to your
place. He'll advise you from there.

Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right ?
A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I
suggest you tryout many different kinds of men and many
different kinds of bars.

Q: Do men like aggresive women?
A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often
shy - so it's up to you to be bold. In addition to bars,
don't be affraid to approach men on streetcorners, in
restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice with simple
"hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks -
even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your
place.

Q: What if a man's married?
A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the
valuable experience a married man possesses, without being
tied down by any sort of commitment.

Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man?
A: This is a tough one, especially if you find yourself
pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family.
If he says his wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking
of leaving her, believe him and continue your relationship,
secure in the knowledge that he'll soon make good his
promise. Married men rarely lie about such important
matters.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right.
When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible,
since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a
proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important
thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells
you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you
to do certain things that may at first seem strangeto you.
Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't
feel ashamed or embarressed. After your man has finished
making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you
suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or
perhaps another activity, such as going out with his
friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large
amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts
with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone
you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleanig his
apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay" ?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to
replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list
of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking.
This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a
sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving
him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an
expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not
quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not
true. The average erect male penis measures about six
centimeters. Anything longer than that is extremely rare
and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven
centimeters or over, you should go down on yor knees and
thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please
him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and
buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm ?
A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Q: Are you sure ?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust
men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for
your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift.

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Subj:     The Rules
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES,
she must immediately change some of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of
a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the
Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately
for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the
express, written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at
any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless
the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the
Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female
at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female
meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because
he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void
and the Male must cater to her every whim.

17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in
bodily harm.

18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right,
he must refer to Rule #5.

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Subj:     A Women's Little Instruction Book
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98

1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his
     stomach you're aiming too high.
2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the
     do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:
     you're sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He
     probably lies about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she
     asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try
     harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never
     mature anyway.
8. A man who can dress himself without looking like
     Wurzel Gummidge is Turzel Gummidge..
9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces
     so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the
     bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband,
     you will usually find that he does already..
12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do
     the work of five men -- a woman.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men --
     strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could
     still use them.
14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and
     potentially violent, but they make great pets.
15. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough
     cells per man.
16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive
     to men - "don't" and "stop" (unless they're used together).
17. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're
     someone else's.
18. If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day
     and he will be back to his usual self.
19. All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when
     they see beautiful women pass by.
20. If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at
     you all of a sudden he is probably checking out the
     women behind you.
21. Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle
     in a car, once you think you have it all put together,
     you find another piece but you don't know where it goes.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Consumer's Reports On Selecting A Girlfriend
          From: Internet Joke Archive

Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer's Reports
reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles
have changed, new features have been introduced, and the
market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we
here at CU decided another report was needed.

As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you
need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in
large part, dictate the final product which you should
consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby
factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-
fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and
most important, step in selecting a girl-friend.

The second question which needs to be addressed is, of
course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely
determined by your physical and personal characteristics--
if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and
a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to
obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you
are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your
choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in
mind when considering your selection. Although the sales-
man will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU
does not recommend this practice; due to inflating
expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually
*increase* with time.

Used vs. New?
-------------
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is
whether to get a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to
this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by
your age, as shown in the following table:

Your age Used or New
--------- ------------
1-12 years (see note A)
13-16 years New
17-21 years Used, but not used up
22-35 years Used heavily
35-60 years New (see note B)
60+ (see note A)

Notes:
A: Seek psychiatric help
B: Only "new" if income > $100,000/year.
Otherwise, "divorced".

New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no
previous bad experiences to project on you, but the
disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough to
open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on
the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers,
with the initial problems worked out, but CU advises that
you avoid models which have much more than average mileage
(2.1 SO's/yr). Much greater than the average may be an
indication that the girlfriend was a professional.

Accessories
-----------
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a
tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets
a high markup on such items as large bosom, long legs,
green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal to
fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with
children, or the ability run 10 miles while chanting san-
skrit. In such cases you should make a list of accessories
desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some
accessories (such as children) can be added later, while
others (such as a large bosom) must be factory installed.

The Test Ride
-------------
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential.
The test ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup
line", which can range from the simple if dull ("Can I
buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with
me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus
comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CU rates as
Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Once on the
test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration.
The two questions you want to answer are: how fast, and
how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag?
Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?

Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
-----------------------
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating
experience, and many potential customers find it hard to
get the exact model and accessories wanted. In such cases
ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time,
however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you
live in), and CU questions the usefulness of such a
practice: if you have access to the baby factory, you
should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.

Methodology
-----------
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test
engineers, selected to typify the average seeking
population. All tests were performed at CU's specially
constructed test facility, which included a bedroom,
kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and
taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven
tests were run, evaluating each product according to the
following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy,
initiative, looks, and performance.

Results
-------
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by
similarity. Within each category, variation is not
statistically significant.

Category and Comments
---------------------
Goddess:

* This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped
with all the options you want and none of the ones you
don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give
you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean
even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or
physical hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is
not actually available.

Goddess-in-law:

* This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with
contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a
spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid.
This model tends to generate grey hairs.

Ms. Right:

* The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations.
Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except
possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that,
an excellent long-term investment. Availability is
extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.

Babe:

* This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the
options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers
and empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for
impressing your friends, but not for your long-term
girlfriend needs.

Friend:

* The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you
wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair,
depending on quality.

Yeah, Her:

* The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but
useful as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are
available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have
a dull finish.

Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!

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Subj:     Ideal Woman!
          From: ipkis on 97-06-07

See if you are the ideal woman. How many of these
statements do you say?

1 - Just sit there and watch the game. I don't mind.
2 - I would love a menage a trois. I'll call my sister over.
3 - Can I run out and buy you more beer?
4 - Don't move, I made you breakfast in bed.
5 - I bought you season tickets to your favorite pro team.
6 - Yea, go out with your buddies. I don't mind watching
TV by myself.
7 - You take it easy. I'll wash and wax your car.
8 - Size isn't important.
9 - I love when you flick through the channels that fast.
10 - Let's watch the Three Stooges.
11 - I like your hair just the way it is.
12 - I love you. 69 ways!
13 - Birthdays aren't important.
14 - You'll remember next year.
15 - A frying pan. Just what I always wanted.
16 - I can't think of a better vacation then
driving to the Baseball Hall Of Fame.

ARE YOU THE IDEAL WOMAN?
How many would you say?
0 --- You are you are a feminist. And you know it.
1-3 --- You are you are a feminist, but your man doesn't know it.
4-7 --- Your man controls you.
8-12 --- You would make a great wife.
13-16 -- You are a man's Ideal woman. You are also a bimbo.

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Subj:     Women - A Psychological Analysis

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'
If you don't, you are half a man
If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you are not, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you aren't , she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel
If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage of her
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics
If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring
If she talks, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

CONCLUSION: These creatures called "WOMEN"
             So simple, yet so complex
             So weak, yet so powerful
             So confusing, yet so desirable

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Subj:     The Ages Of Woman And Man (S34)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #197 on 97-09-19

The Ages of Woman:
1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa,
    virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia,
    hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America,
    fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free
    with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe,
    exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia; everybody knows it's
    down there but who gives a damn?

The Ages of Man:
1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly
2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly
3. Over 47: Try weakly

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Subj:     Who's Easy: A Statistical Analysis Of Promiscuity
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #173 on May 1997

70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the
last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.

Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may
have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.

Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as
those who don't.

Women with a Ph.D are twice as likely to be turned on by
the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a
bachelor's degree.

Women who went to collage are more likely to enjoy oral
sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.

National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.

In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of
unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during
ovulation.

Women who have a postive attitude towards sex tend to be
less achievement oriented.

White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60%
more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those
who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower
for Black girls.

Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday
are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.

Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more
sexually active than practicing Christians.

Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more
likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year
than women with no criminal record.

Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.

Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or
Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.

Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come
every time they have sex.

White women, especially those with a college degree, are
the most receptive to anal sex.

20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than
one sex partner.

(Ed's Note: So, you know what this means? Yup. All you
guys have to go looking for a half Aussie/half Latino
Atheist with a Ph.D, wearing a low neckline, high heels,
smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbra
Cartland, and who lived with her single mom! Shouldn't
be too hard.

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Subj:     Making A Man Irrestible To Women (S456b)
          From: darrell94590
          on 10/20/2005

You can view this cute cartoon on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

\\\//
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Smiley on the move from
Smiley_Central

.