Subj: Women3 Jokes
(Includes 191 jokes and articles, 14670b,4)
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Woman on Couch from
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Subj: Women3 Jokes (Includes 191 jokes and articles, 14670b,4) Click "Here" for Women-Supp |
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Woman on Couch from Millanimations |
WOMEN1 contains jokes
WOMEN2 contains list type jokes
WOMEN3 contains oddities and short
jokes
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| Subj:
Women Know Your Limits (S526c)
From: darrell94590 on 2/18/2007 . |
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Subj: Mid-Life
For Women (S228, DU)
From: flovilla on 2/27/2001
Moved to 'Women In Mid-Life'in
Women2
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Subj: PMS
(S224, S492, DU)
From: KMACINTY on 5/16/2001
and
From: darrell94590 on 7/3/2006
What PMS stands for:
Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Pack My Stuff
Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Mid-Section
People Make me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly, Men Suck
Poor Me Syndrome
Premature Mental Shutdown
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Subj: About
Women (S205, DU)
From: tadams96 on 1/2/2001
Women have strengths that amaze
men.
They carry hardships, they carry
burdens but
they hold happiness,
love and joy.
They smile when they want to
scream.
They sing when they want to
cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe
in.
They stand up for injustice.
They don't take "NO", for an
answer when they believe
there is a better
solution.
They go without new shoes so
their children can have them.
They go to the doctor with a
frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children
excel and cheer when
their friends get
awards.
They are happy when they hear
about a birth or a new marriage.
Their hearts break when a friend
dies.
They have sorrow at the loss
of a family member, yet they
are strong when
they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all sizes, in
all colors and shapes.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run
or e-mail you
to show how much
they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give
birth they bring joy and hope.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have a lot to say and
a lot to give.
This has been sent to you from
someone who respects you as
a woman....pass
it along to your women friends to remind
them how amazing
they are....
Just wanted to brighten your
day!
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Subj: A Woman's
Random Thoughts (S196, S829c)
From: pns on 10/29/2000
Skinny people piss me off!
Especially when they say things
like, "You know, sometimes I
forget to eat." Now, I've
forgotten my address, my mother's
maiden name, and my keys.
But I've never forgotten to
eat. You have to be a special
kind of stupid to forget to
eat.
They say you shouldn't say anything
about the dead unless
it's good. He's dead.
Good.
A friend of mine confused her
Valium with her birth control
pills. She had 14 kids,
but she doesn't give a darn.
They keep telling us to get in
touch with our bodies. Mine
isn't all that communicative
but I heard from it the other
day after I said, "Body, how'd
you like to go to the nine
o'clock class in vigorous toning?"
Clear as a bell my body
said, "Listen bitch... do it
and you die."
The trouble with some women is
that they get all excited
about nothing (and then they
marry him.)
I read this article that said
the typical symptoms of stress
are eating too much, smoking
too much, impulse buying and
driving too fast. Are
they kidding? That is my idea of a
perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret
is. The secret is that nobody
older than 30 can fit into their
stuff.
"If men can run the world, why
can't they stop wearing
neckties? I mean, how
intelligent is it to start the day
by tying a noose around your
neck?"
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Subj: Women
Looking In A Mirror (S181, S670b)
From: collins2 on 7/18/00
and
From: LABLaughsClean on 11/12/2009
A look in the Mirror:
Age 3: Looks at herself and sees a Queen!
Age 8: Looks at herself and sees
herself as Cinderella/
Sleeping Beauty.
Age 15: Looks at herself and
sees herself as Cinderella/
Sleeping Beauty/Cheerleader
or if she is PMS'ing: sees
Fat/Pimples/UGLY
("Mom I can't go to school looking
like this!")
Age 20: Looks at herself and
sees "too fat/too thin, too
short/too tall,
too straight/too curly" -- but decides
she's going anyway.
Age 30: Looks at herself and
sees "too fat/too thin, too
short/too tall,
too straight/too curly" -- but decides
she doesn't have
time to fix it so she's going anyway.
Age 40: Looks at herself and
sees "too fat/too thin, too
short/too tall,
too straight/too curly" -- but says,
"At least, I'm
clean" and goes anyway.
Age 50: Looks at herself and
says, "I am" and goes
wherever she wants
to go.
Age 60: Looks at herself and
reminds herself of all the
people who can't
even see themselves in the mirror
anymore.
Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: Looks at herself and
sees wisdom, laughter and
ability, goes out
and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn't bother to look.
Just puts on a purple
hat and goes out
to have fun with the world.
Send this on to all the women
you are grateful to have
as friends.
Maybe we should all grab that purple hat
a little earlier!
HAVE A FANTASTIC DAY!
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Subj: Benefits
Of Being A Woman... (S181, S380b)
From: collins2 on 7/18/00
and
From: Imogenelumen on 5/9/2004
We got off the Titanic first.
If we marry someone 20 years
younger,
we're aware that
we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate
really can
solve all your
problems.
We'll never regret piercing
our ears.
We can fully assess a person
just by looking at their shoes.
We can scare male bosses with
mysterious
gynecological
disorder excuses.
We can cry and get off speeding
fines.
Taxi's stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in
a blender when dancing.
Free drinks, Free dinners, Free
movies (you get the point).
New lipstick gives us a whole
new lease on life.
No fashion faux pas we make
could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse
ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one
has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate
without
ever touching her
butt.
We never have to reach down
every so often to make sure
our privates are
still there.
If we're dumb, some people will
find it cute.
We have the ability to dress
ourselves
(and buy our own
under garments).
We can talk to people of the
opposite sex without
having to picture
them naked.
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Subj: Beautiful
Women Month? (S272b)
From: collins2 on 4/22/00
and
From: FrankRoesch on 4/13/2002
Did you know that it's Beautiful
Women Month? Well, it is
and I'm supposed to send this
to FIVE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, and
you are one of them!!!
Facts on Figures;
There are 3 billion women who
don't look like super models
and only eight who do.
Marilyn Monroe wore a size 14.
If Barbie was a real woman, she'd
have to walk on all fours
due to her proportions.
The average American woman weighs
144 lb. and wears between
a size 12 and 14.
One out of every four college
aged women has an eating
disorder.
The models in the magazines are
airbrushed -- they're not
perfect!
A psychological study in 1995
found that three minutes spent
looking at models in a fashion
magazine caused 70% of women to
feel depressed, guilty, and
shameful.
Models twenty years ago
weighed 8% less than the average
woman, today they weigh
23% less.
"Beauty of a Woman"
by unknown
The beauty of a woman is not
in the clothes she wears,
The figure she carries, or the
way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be
seen from her eyes,
Because that is the doorway
to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman Is not
in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is
reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly
gives,
The passion that she shows.
The beauty of a woman
With passing years -- only grows.
Please send this to five phenomenal
women today in
celebration of Women's History
Month. If you do,
something good will happen --
you will boost another
woman's self-esteem.
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Subj: M E
N ! (S161)
From: GHeckman on 2/28/00
Al,
Will it offend you if I say
I thought of you when I read this?
Gayle
1. Don't imagine you can change
a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend
walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the
moon - they should be able to
put them
all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind
wander - it's too little to be
out alone.
5. Go for younger men.
You might as well -
they never
mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they
just have different faces,
so that you
can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor;
a man who has missed the
opportunity
to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of
men - most of them are the
do-it-yourself
types.
9. Best way to get a man to
do something, is to suggest
they are
too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage
is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed
man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered
around the desert for 40
years. Even
in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of
books you're interested in,
tell him
checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor
does not mean that you tell him
jokes, it
means that you must laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created
equal.
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Subj: Women's
Compact Instruction Booklet (S88)
From: auntieg on 98-10-10
1. Never do housework.
No man ever made love
to
a woman because the house was spotless.
2. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
5. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
6. If they put a man on
the moon,
they
should be able to put them all there.
7. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
8. Never let your man's
mind wander.
It's
too little to be let out alone.
9. The only reason men
are on this planet is
that
vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
10. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.
11. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
12. A man who can dress himself
without
looking
like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
13. Men are all the same. They
just have different faces
so
you can tell them apart.
14. Definition of a bachelor:
a man who has
missed
the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
15. Women don't make fools of
men.
Most
of them are the do-it-yourself types.
16. The best way to get a man
to do something is
to
suggest they are too old for it.
17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
19. The children of Israel wandered
around the desert for 40 years.
Even
in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
20. If he asks what sort of
books you're interested in,
tell
him checkbooks.
21. A man's idea of serious
commitment is usually
"oh
all right, I'll stay the night."
22. Women sleep with men, who
if they were women,
they
wouldn't even bother to have lunch with.
23. Remember a sense of humor
does not mean
that
you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
24. If he asks you if you're
faking it, tell him no,
you're
just practicing.
25. Sadly, all men are created equal.
26. When he asks you if he's
your first,
tell
him "you may be, you look familiar."
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Subj: Every
Woman Should Have: (S162)
From: auntieg on 98-10-03
and
From: gheckman on 3/5/00
Dear Friends:
I think you'll all enjoy this
one. I think most everything
could also apply to a man.
If you disagree, think again.
Gayle
1. One old boyfriend you can
imagine going back to and
one who reminds
you of how far you've come.
2. Enough money within your
control to move out and
rent a place
on your own, even if you never want or need to.
3. Something perfect to wear
if the employer or
man of your
dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase and an
umbrella you're
not ashamed
to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you're content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that
you're looking forward to
retelling
it in your old age.
7. The realization that you
are actually going to have
an old age
and some money set aside to help fund it
8. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
9. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
10. A good piece of furniture
not previously owned
by anyone
else in your family.
11. Eight matching plates, wine
glasses with stems and
a recipe
for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
12. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
13. A feeling of control over your destiny.
14. A skin care regime, an exercise
routine ? a plan for dealing with
those few
other facets of life that don't get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying
career, a satisfying relationship
and all those
other facets of life that do get better.
> > > > > > > > >Top
Subj: Every Woman Should Know:
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break
up with a man, and
confront
a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss a man in a way
that communicates perfectly
what you
would and wouldn't like to happen next.
6. How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
7. How to ask for what you want
in a way that makes
it most likely
you'll get it.
8. That you can't change the
length of your calves,
the width
of your hips or the nature of your parents.
9. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
10. What you would and wouldn't do for love or more.
11. How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
12. Whom you can trust, whom
you can't,
and why you
shouldn't take it personally.
13. Where to go - be it your
best friend's kitchen table or a
charming
inn hidden in the woods-when your soul needs soothing.
14. What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.
15. Why they say life begins at 30.
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Subj: Woman's
Dictionary (S76)
From: RFSlick on 98-07-15
(See 'Secrets Of
Women's Language' in DIFFERENCES3
and 'Real
Meanings of Personal Ad Codes' in HEADLINES-ADDS
and 'Male-to-English Dictionary'
in MEN2)
Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally
becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs
when you're right,
but he just hasn't realized
it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens
da chek*buk) v.
To go to the cash machine
and hit "inquire."
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries,
washed the lettuce, chopped
the tomatoes, diced the
onions, marinated the meat and
cleaned everything up,
but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short
so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in
a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer)
n.
An appliance designed
to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a
convenience store
to go with a half pound
bag of peanut M?Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes
of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a
mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list)
n.
What you spend half an
hour writing,
then forget to take with
you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to
create a style
you will never be able
to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor)
n
Similar to a black hole
in space --
if he goes in, he isn't
coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through
36 hours of contractions;
he gets to hold your
hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring
to enhance the beauty of your mouth.
On his collar, coloring
only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb
meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun
meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient
for dating, marriage and children.
See also "tranquilizers."
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez
dae) n.
A day when you have dreams
of a candlelight dinner, diamonds,
and romance, but consider
yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf
mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry,
shower, or swim, but will not
come off if you try to
remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n
The number of times you
ask someone to take out the trash,
then end up doing it
yourself ... anyway
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Subj: Quotations
About Women (S282b)
Women truly are better than men.
Otherwise,
they'd be intolerable.
-- Ed Abbey
In everything but brains and
brawn, women
are vastly superior to men.
-- Ed Abbey
Girls, like flowers, bloom but
once. But
once is enough. -- Edward
Abbey
Women who love only women may
have a good
point. -- Edward Abbey
Women: We cannot love them all.
But we must
try. -- Edward Abbey
The feminists have a legitimate
grievance. But
so does everyone else.
-- Edward Abbey
Her figure described a set of
parabolas that
could cause cardiac arrest in
a yak.
-- Woody Allen
Woman: A creature whom a man
can't get along
with or without. Animal
usually living in the
vicinity of man, and having
a rudimentary
susceptibility to domestication.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Woman inspires us to great things,
and prevents
us from achieving them.
-- Dumas
Women! You can't live with
them, you can't do
most positions without them.
-- Dan Fielding
(from the "Night Court" television
series)
The great question... Which
I have not been
able to answer...is, "What does
a woman want?"
-- Freud
Women are one of the Almighty's
enigmas to prove
to men that He knows more than
they do.
-- Ellen Glasglow
Nature has given women so much
power that the
law has very wisely given them
little. -- Dr. Johnson
Being a woman is of special interest
to aspiring
male transsexuals. To
actual women it is simply a
good excuse not to play football.
-- Fran Lebowitz
There are a number of mechanical
devices that
increase sexual arousal, particularly
in women.
Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz
380L
Convertible. -- P.J. O'Rourke
Did you know that woman speaks
eighteen languages? ...
And can't say 'no' in any of
them. -- Dorothy Parker
Women: You can't live with them,
and you can't get
them to dress up in a skimpy
Nazi costume and beat
you with a warm squash.
-- Emo Phillips
A woman is like a dresser; some
man always goin'
through her drawers. --
Blind Lemon Pledge
Feminism: A socialist, anti-family
political movement
that encourages women to leave
their husbands, kill
their children, practice witchcraft,
destroy capitalism
and become lesbians. --
Pat Robertson
If someone were to ask me for
a short cut to sensuality,
I would suggest he go shopping
for a used 427 Shelby-
Cobra. But it is only
fair to warn you that of the
300 guys who switched to them
in 1966, only two went
back to women. -- Mort
Sahl
Women's magazines always seem
to me to be instructing
aliens on how to act like women.
It's as though the
people reading know nothing:
what to wear at a picnic,
what to eat when you get to
the picnic. It's for pods
who want to impersonate humans.
On the other hand,
there's very little advice in
men's magazines, because
men don't think there's a lot
they don't know. Women
do. Women want to learn.
Men think, "I know what I'm
doing, just show me somebody
naked."
-- comic Jerry Seinfeld,
in Esquire
I think that maybe if women and
children were in charge,
we would get somewhere.
-- James Thurber
Feminists say 60 percent of the
country's wealth is in
the hands of women. They're
letting men hold the other
40 percent because their handbags
are full. -- Earl Wilson
From: dogbyte on 6/26/2002 (S282b)
"Woman was God's second mistake."
-- Nietzsche
From: LABLaughsClean on 1/31/2007 (S525b)
"I've been married a long time
and I'm just starting to
scratch the surface of what
women really want. I don't
know, but the answer probably
lies somewhere between
chocolate and conversation."
-- Mel Gibson
From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 2/16/2007
(S526b)
"A diplomat is a man who always
remembers a woman's birthday,
but never remembers her age."
-- Robert Frost
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Subj: Quotes
From Women (S32)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-09-05
Top 7 Quotes From Women
(7) "When women are depressed
they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade
another country." -- Elayne Boosler
(6) "Behind every successful
man is a surprised woman."
-- Maryon Pearson
(5) "Our struggle today is not
to have a female Einstein get
appointed
as an assistant professor. It is for a woman
schlemiel
to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel."
-- Bella Abzug
(4) "I have yet to hear a man
ask for advice on how to
combine marriage
and a career." -- Gloria Steinem
(3) "If men run the world, why
don't they stop wearing
neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by
tying a little
noose around your neck?" -- Linda Ellerbee
(2) "I am a marvelous housekeeper.
Every time I leave a
man I keep
his house." -- Zsa Gabor
And The #1 Quote From A Woman...
(1) "I base most of my fashion
taste on what doesn't itch."
-- Gilda Radner
Subj: Words
From Women (S433b)
From: smiles on 98-08-04
I'm not offended by all the dumb
blonde jokes because I
know I'm not dumb...and I also
know that I'm not blonde.
-- Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with
dumb women, but you hardly
ever see a smart woman
with a dumb guy. -- Erica Jong
I want to have children, but
my friends scare me. One of my
friends told me she was
in labor for 36 hours. I don't
even want to do anything that
feels GOOD for 36 hours.
-- Rita Rudner
I figure that if the children
are alive when I get home,
I've done my job. -- Roseanne
My husband and I are either going
to buy a dog or have a
child. We can't decide
whether to ruin our carpet or ruin
our lives. -- Rita Rudner
I was on a date recently, and
the guy took me horseback
riding. That was kind
of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
-- Susie Loucks
This guy says, "I'm perfect for
you, 'cause I'm a cross
between a macho and a sensitive
man." I said, "Oh, a gay
trucker?" -- Judy Tenuta
He tricked me into marrying him.
He told me he was pregnant.
-- Carol Leifer
I've been on so many blind dates,
I should get a free dog.
-- Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone
to whom you have given birth
to. -- Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful,
men would be wearing them.
-- Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til
Sears makes one you can ride
on. -- Roseanne
I look just like the girls next
door... if you happen to
live next door to an amusement
park. -- Dolly Parton
I found out why cats drink out
of the toilet. My mother
told me it's because it's
cold in there. And I'm like:
How did my mother know THAT?
-- Wendy Liebman
I think-therefore I'm single. -- Lizz Winstead
In politics, if you want anything
said, ask a man; if you
want anything done, ask a woman.
-- Margaret Thatcher
If I were going to convert to
any religion I would probably
choose Catholicism because it
at least has female saints
and the Virgin Mary. --
Margaret Atwood
Some of us are becoming the men
we wanted to marry.
-- Gloria Steinem
Sometimes I wonder if men and
women really suit each other.
Perhaps they should live
next door and just visit now and
then. -- Katharine Hepburn
I never married because there
was no need. I have three
pets at home which answer the
same purpose as a husband. I
have a dog which growls every
morning, a parrot which
swears all afternoon and a cat
that comes home late at
night." -- Marie Corelli
Nagging is the repetition of
unpalatable truths.
-- Baroness Edith Summerskill
\\\//
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Subj: Other
Quotes From Women (S231b)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 6/28/2001
I refuse to think of them as
chin hairs. I think of them as
stray eyebrows. -- Janette
Barber
Who ever thought up the word
Mammogram"? Every time I hear
it, I think I'm supposed to
put my breast in an envelope and
send it to someone. --
Jan King
A few weeks after my [breast
cancer] surgery, I went out to
play catch with my golden retriever.
When I bent over to
pick up the ball, my prosthesis
fell out. The dog snatched
it, and I found myself chasing
him down the road yelling
"Hey, come back here with my
breast!" -- Linda Ellerbee
Things are going to get a lot
worse before they get worse.
-- Lily Tomlin
You know the hardest thing about
having cerebral palsy and
being a woman? It's plucking
your eyebrows. That's how I
originally got pierced ears.
-- Geri Jewell
A male gynecologist is like an
auto mechanic who never
owned a car. -- Carrie
Snow
Laugh and the world laughs with
you. Cry and you cry with
your girlfriends. -- Laurie
Kuslansky
My second favorite household
chore is ironing. My first
Is hitting my head on the top
bunkbed until I faint.
-- Erma Bombeck
Old age ain't no place for sissies. -- Bette Davis
A man's got to do what a man's
got to do. A woman must do
what he can't. -- Rhonda
Hansome
The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -- Jane Sellman
Every time I close the door on
reality it comes in through
the windows. -- Jennifer
Unlimited
Whatever women must do they must
do twice as well as men
to be thought half as good.
Luckily, this is not difficult.
-- Charlotte Whitton
Thirty-five is when you finally
get your head together and
your body starts falling apart.
-- Caryn Leschen
I try to take one day at a time,
but sometimes several
days attack me at once.
-- Jennifer Unlimited
If you can't be a good example,
then you'll just have to
serve as a horrible warning.
-- Catherine Aird
When I was young, I was put in
a school for retarded kids
for two years before they realized
I actually had a hearing
loss ... and they called ME
slow! -- Kathy Buckley
Behind every successful woman...is
a substantial amount of
coffee. -- Stephanie Piro
Behind every successful woman......
is a basket of dirty
laundry. -- Sally Forth
From: LABLaughsClean on 3/30/2005 (S427b)
"Inside every older lady is
a younger lady -- wondering
what the hell happened."
-- Cora Harvey Armstrong
From: hellgunner50 on 1/8/2006 (S468b)
Inside me lives a skinny woman
crying to get out. But I can
usually shut the bitch up with
cookies. -- (Unknown)
The hardest years in life are
those between ten and seventy.
-- Helen Hayes (at 73)-
I'm not going to vacuum 'til
Sears makes one you can ride on.
-- Roseanne Barr
Nobody can make you feel inferior
without your permission.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 4/5/2006
(S480b)
"An archaeologist is the best
husband a woman can have;
the older she gets the more
interested he is in her."
-- Agatha Christie
From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 2/16/2007
(S526b)
"A woman has got to love a bad
man once or twice in her life
to be thankful for a good one."
-- Mae West
\\\//
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Subj: Top
Nine Things Only Women Understand (S231b)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 6/28/2001
9. Why it's good to have five
pairs of black shoes.
8. The difference between cream,
ivory, and off-white.
7. Crying can be fun.
6. FAT CLOTHES.
5. A salad, diet drink, and
a hot fudge sundae make a
balanced lunch.
4. Discovering a designer dress
on the clearance rack.
3. The inaccuracy of every bathroom
scale ever made.
2. A good man might be hard
to find, but a good hairdresser
is next to impossible.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY
WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
1. OTHER WOMEN!
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Jokes And One-liners About Women
| Subj:
Manana (S456b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/12/2005 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Out Drinking With Lady Friends (S451 - in Drinking)
From: darrell94590 on 9/9/2005 |
Top
Subj: Attractive
Woman Formula (S364b)
From: jerry on 1/16/2004
Hong Kong researchers say they
have determined what makes
a woman attractive to a male.
It's not the face, legs or
body shape, they say.
It's the volume (body volume, not
voice volume). They say
it's all in the volume-height
index (VHI), or at least 90%
of the determination of
attractiveness is controlled
by the VHI.
They say men make a "snap-decision"
about a woman by
looking at her rough body volume
before looking at
specific features. So,
if you know your volume in
cubic meters and you divide
it by the square of the
distance between your chin and
your feet you can get
your VHI.
Researchers refused to come up
with the perfect VHI value.
Evening Standard (UK) 15-Jan-04
| Subj:
What Every Girl Wants (S353b)
From: janeenmarie on 11/7/2003 You can view is a picture on my web site by clicking 'Here'. |
 |
Top
Subj: What
Women Think About Their Ass (S303, S582b)
From: mombear1 on 11/18/2002
and
From: tom on 3/14/2008
85% of women think their ass
is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't
care. They love him,
and that's why they married
him anyway.
Top
Subj: Women's
Problems (S245b)
From: gheckman 10/11/2001
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps,
MENtal breakdown,
MENopause.
Ever notice how all of women's
problems start with men?
And when we have real problems,
it's a HISterectomy!
P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist!"
Top
Subj: Politically
Correct Guide To The Ladies (S207)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 1/15/2001
She does not have thunder thighs;
she develops a Child Rest Area
Facility.
She is not talkative;
she is a Conversational Opportunist.
She does not get lost all the
time;
she is Deceptively Directionally
Challenged.
You do not buy her a drink;
you make a down payment on a
recreational facility.
She does not fart and belch;
her closest pet is Gastronomically
Expressive.
She is not a gold digger;
she prefers Economic Differential
Relationships.
She does not have a rich daddy;
she is the poster child for
the "Happily Ever After Foundation"
She is not afraid of lack of
commitment;
she is Poligamously Challenged.
Top
Subj: Woman's
Ultimate Fantasy (S138)
From: crtoth on 09/23/1999
In a recent Harris On-line poll,
38,562 men across the U.S.
were asked to identify a woman's
ultimate fantasy.
97.8% of the respondents said
that a woman's ultimate fantasy
is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by
a recent sociological study,
it appears that most men do not
realize that in this fantasy,
one man is cooking, and the
other is cleaning.
Top
Subj: What
Are A Woman's Three Greatest Lies?
Bawdy.Net Collage #285 on 99-02-13
1. You're the best.
2. You're the biggest
3. It doesn't always smell
that way
Top
Subj: Professor's
Quote About "Woman"
An English professor wrote the
words "Woman without
her man is a savage" on the
blackboard and directed
his students to punctuate it
correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman,
without her man, is a savage."
The women wrote: "Woman!
Without her, man is a savage."
Top
Subj: Drunk
In The Wrong Toilet
One night a man was getting
very drunk in a restaurant.
He staggered back to take a
piss, whipping his dick out
as he went in the door.
But he'd wandered into the
ladies' room by mistake, surprising
a woman sitting on
the toilet.
"This is for ladies!" she screamed.
"This is for ladies!"
The drunk waved his unit at
her. "So's this!" he shouted back.
3.9% of all women surveyed say
they never do this.
Wear underwear.
Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.
The average woman spends 2.7
years of her life where?
In the bathroom.
42% of all women over the age
of 26 who have done this, never get married.
Had an affair with a married
man.
What do bullet proof vests, fire
escapes, windshield wipers
and laser printers all have
in common?
All invented by women.
If it's gots Wheels or Tits
Sooner or Later
It is
Going to give you trouble
2 Fleas were hanging out in a
pair of undies.
One said to the other "I'm gonna
have a joint, some marijuana man!"
The other said "That's nothing!
I'm gonna have some crack!
Every guy subconciously thinks
of the following when they rate a woman's
attactiveness. 1-4 are for single
guys. 5 was added to cover the married
ones because they already went
through 1 - 4.
1. So ugly you wouldn't
fuck her.
2. You'd fuck her but
won't be seen in public with her.
3. You'd fuck her and
be seen in public with her.
4. You'd fuck her and
marry her.
5. You'd fuck her in front
of your wife.
BITCH: Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Charming, Horny
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
A lady is a woman who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
I've never gone to bed with an
ugly man, but
I've woken up with
a few.
A pessimist is a man who thinks
all women are bad;
an optimist hopes they
are.
A man uses guns, knives, and
explosives to get what he wants,
but a woman has some
very special weapons of her own.
A woman turned to a man at a
singles bar and asked,
"Do you prefer
legs with panty hose or bare legs?"
He smiled and replied, "I prefer
something in between."
Being a woman is quite difficult
since it consists mainly of
dealing with men.
By the time you know a woman
like a book, you're too old
to start a library.
Feminists are okay, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Women do not snore, fart, or
belch; therefore, they must bitch
or else they will blow
up.
Women who think they are the equal of men, lack ambition.
When it comes to human sexuality,
men are like microwave ovens
and women are crockpots.
The probability of a young man
meeting a desirable ? receptive
young female increases by exponential
progression when he is
already in the company of:
(1)a date, (2)his wife, (3)a
better looking ? richer male friend.
Simply Put...Women Speak In Estrogen And Men Listen In Testosterone.
Never trust anything that bleeds for a week and doesn't die!
You know you're dating a tough babe when she rolls her own tampons.
Next three are from: Bawdy.Net
Collage #164
What is the definition of "making
love"?
Something a woman does while
a guy is fucking her.
How are women and rocks alike?
You skip the flat ones.
How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman,
sperm would taste like chocolate.
Did you know that in this country
alone there are over 1/2 million battered
women?
Just think......
All this time you've been eating
them plain.
In Florida it is illegal for
single, divorced, or
widowed women to parachute on
Sunday afternoons.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #252 on 98-06-06
Women are like guns, keep one
around long enough
and your going to want to shoot
it.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #284 on 99-02-06
(S106)
A woman's favorite position
is CEO.
\\\//
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Subj: Question-Answers
About Women
Q: How many men does it take
to wallpaper a feminist's house?
A: Only four if you slice them
thin enough.
Q: Why did God create lesbians?
A: So feminists wouldn't breed.
Q: Why did God give woman nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.
Q: What is the difference between
a pitbull dog and a PMS woman?
A: Lipstick.
Q: What is the difference between
a terrorist and a PMS woman?
A: You can negotiate with the
terrorist.
Q: Why do men pass gas more than
women?
A: Because women won't shut
up long enough to build up pressure.
Q: Why did the woman cross the
road?
A: Who cares? What the
hell was she doing out of the kitchen?!!
Q: Why can't Helen Keller drive?
A: She's a woman.
Q: How do you blind a woman?
A: Put a windshield in front
of her face.
Q: How many men does it take
to do the washing?
A: None, it's a woman's job.
Q: How many men does it take
to clean a toilet?
A: None. That's women's
work!
Q: What is the difference between
a dog and a fox?
A: About 5 drinks.
Q: What is the the fleshy mass
surrounding the vagina called?
A: The woman.
Q: Why do women pay so much attention
to their
appearance than
to improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid,
but few are blind.
Q: Why do women play with their
hair at traffic lights?
A: Because they don't have any
balls to scratch.
or
Q: Why do women rub their eyes
when they wake up in the morning?
A: Because they don't have any
balls to scratch.
Q: What is the difference between
a computer and a woman?
A: A computer will not laugh
at a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.
Q: Why are some women beginning
to like work better than sex?
A: More perks, and the payoff
is better.
Q: What is six inches long, two
inches wide, has a head on it,
and women are crazy
for it?
A: Money!!!
Q: What happens if a woman puts
her panties on backwards?
A: She gets her ass chewed out.
Q: Why does a woman close her
eyes when she's having sex?
A: Because no woman ever wants
to see a man enjoying himself!
Q: How does the single woman
get rid of roaches?
A: She asks them for a commitment.
Q: What do you do if your dishwasher
stops working?
A: Slap the bitch.
Q: Why do women live longer than
men?
A: Someone has to stick around
and clean up after them.
From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/4/2005 (S414b)
Q: Why are women like screen
doors?
A: Once they get banged a few
times, they loosen up.
Q: What's a wife?
A: An attachment you screw on
the bed to get the housework done.
Q: What does a woman and a crystal
glass have in common?
A: You wet your finger, rub
them the right way and they will both sing!
Q: Why did the woman cross the
road?
A: Who cares, why ain't the
bitch in the kitchen.
Q: What 3 words does a woman
least like to hear
just before reaching
orgasm?
A: "Honey I'm home."
Q: Why do lady parachutists wear
jock straps?
A: So they don't whistle on
the way down.
Q: What is the difference between
a slut and a bowling ball?
A: You can only fit three fingers
in a bowling ball.
Q: What is a woman?
A: It's like a moist right hand
that can walk and talk.
Q: What do 10,000 battered women
have in common.
A: They just won't listen goddamit.
Q: How do you know when a "woman
of the nineties" is having an orgasim?
A: She finally drops her breifcase.
Q: How do you tell if your woman
is sexually aroused ?
A: Put your hand inside her
panties it feels like a horse eating oats.
Q: Why is a woman like a condom?
A: If it's not on you dick,
it's in you wallet.
Q: What two things in the air
can make a woman pregnant?
A: Her legs.
Q: What do women and a trophy
fish have in common?
A: You can mount them or eat
them.
Q: How do you tell if a woman
is wearing underwear?
A: Look for dandruff on her
shoes.
Q: Why are there bumps on a woman's
nipple?
A: It's braille for "Suck Here!!"
Q: What do you call a truckload
of vibrators?
A: Toys for Twats!
Q: Why do women always go to
the bathroom right after sex?
A: They can't teach their pussies
to spit.
Bawdy.Net Collage #178
Q: What's worse than a male
chauvinistic pig?
A: A woman that won't do what
she's told.
Q: Why do women pay more attention
to their appearance
than to improving
their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid,
but few are blind.
Bawdy.Net Collage #185
Q: How are women and rocks alike?
A: You skip the flat ones.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #193
Q: Why are women like Kentucky
Fried Chicken?
A: 'Cos once you're finished
with the breasts and the thighs,
all you are left
with is a greasy box!
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
Q: What's another name for pickled
bread?
A: Dill-dough
From: ICohen on 7/27/2001 (S235)
Q: What do bulletproof vests,
fire escapes, windshield
wipers, and laser
printers all have in common?
A: All invented by women.
From: www.huumor.com on 8/6/01 (S236)
Q: What's the difference between
PMS and Mad Cow Disease?
A: The number of tits!
From: dogbyte on 4/19/2002 (S272c)
Q: When does a woman enjoy a
man's company?
A: When he owns it.
From: CatScratch on 12/8/2001 (S275c)
Q: What are a woman's four favorite
animals?
A: A Mink in the closet, a Jaguar
in the garage,
a Tiger in the
bedroom, and an Ass to pay for it all.
From: CatScratch on 9/7/2002 (293b)
Q: Why are married women heavier
than single women?
A: Single women come home, see
what's in the fridge and
go to bed. Married
women come home, see what's in bed,
and they go to
the fridge.
From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/9/2004 (S401b)
Q: What do you call a woman
without an asshole?
A: Divorced.
From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/10/2005 (S415b)
Q: Why are hurricanes normally
names after women?
A: When they come they're wild
and wet, but when they go,
they take your
house and car with them.
\\\//
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========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
 |
Modern Smiley from
Smiley_Central |