womenBetterThan

Subj: Reasons Why 'X' IS Better Than Women: (Gz)
(Includes 9 jokes and articles)

Also see DOGS2 file - 'Why Dogs Are Better Than Women'
.....................- 'How Dogs And Women Are Alike'
.....................- 'How Women Are Better Than Dogs'
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Subj: Ten Reasons Why Some Men Prefer Handguns Over Women (S407b)
From: JokesUncut on 11/16/2004

#10 You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 You can keep one handgun at home, and have another for
when you're on the road.

#8 If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another
handgun for a back up.

#6 Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of
ammo.

#5 A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3 A handgun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"

#2 A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use
it.

And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman!

#1 You can buy a silencer for a handgun

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Subj:     Why COFFEE Is Better Than Women
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98

1.You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make
    it taste good.
2.Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
3.A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
4.You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
5.You can always warm coffee up.
6.Coffee comes with endless refills.
7.Coffee is cheaper.
8.You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
9.Coffee never runs out.
10.Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
11.You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.
12.You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
13.You can smoke while drinking coffee.
14.You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
15.Coffee smells and tastes good.
16.You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.
17.If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular
    paper towel.
18.You can always get fresh coffee.
19.You can turn the pot on, leave the room, & it'll be
    hot when you get back.
20.They sell coffee at police stations.
21.You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
22.Coffee goes down easier.
23.If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put
    on weight.
24.No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup
    of coffee.
25.A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
26.Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
27.Coffee smells good in the morning.
28.Coffee is good when it's cold too.
29.Coffee stains are easier to remove.
30.Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.
31.Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
32.Coffee doesn't shed. 33.Coffee is ready
    in 15 minutes or less.
34.You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting
    cream in it.
35.Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
36.No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make
    it better.
37.Coffee doesn't have a time of the month...it's good
    all the time.
38.When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
39.When you have a coffee, you don't end up
    with a pube in the back of your throat.
40.Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
41.Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and
    decide to have a cup.
42.INSTANT COFFEE!
43.You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
44.It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
45.Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.

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Subj:     Why BEER is Better Than Women: (S582c)

* Beer always comes in multiples of six.
* Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
* Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
* Beer doesn't blow you off.
* Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
* When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
* A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.
* You don't need a license to live with a beer.
* Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
* You can shoot a beer.
* Beer doesn't demand equality.
* A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
* A frigid beer is a good beer.
* No matter what the package, a beer still looks good.
* Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
* Beer tastes *good*.
* You can't catch social diseases from a beer.
* A beer will actually *support* belching and farting and
    share your enthusiasm for getting them included as
    demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona.
* When your interrupted by a beer it's for a good reason.
* Beer never changes its mind.
* Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
* A beer doesn't change its mind after you've taken
    off its top.
* A beer ALWAYS goes down easy.
* Finishing a beer in three seconds is something to
    be proud of.
* A beer won't raise any objections to an evening
    of watching
    "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR.
* Beer stains wash out.
* A tree is good enough for a beer.
* Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
* A beer doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch
    of other beers around.
* Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
* Beer is happy to ride in the trunk of your car.
* Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't.
* Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
* Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
* Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
* A beer chaser is easier to catch.
* A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say
    "doberman" instead of "doberperson".
* Beer always listens and never argues.
* Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after
    you've had it.
* Beer doesn't pout or play games.
* A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin
    commercials with the babies are "cute".
* You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.
* A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like
    leaving the toilet seat up.
* Beer doesn't live with its mother.
* A beer is always satisfying.
* You can have more than one beer in a night and
    not feel guilty.
* Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
* A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you
    go to the grocery store.
* A beer goes down easy.
* If you take a beer outta the fridge just to look at it
    but then decide to drink it, the beer won't accuse you
    of "date rape".
* Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
* Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and
    Charles Bronson flicks.
* A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read
    Penthouse "just for the articles". (You *are* lying,
    but the beer won't accuse you of it.)
* Beer doesn't have a mother.
* After you've had a beer, the bottle is still
    worth 5 cents.
* A beer won't tell you its pregnant for fun.
* Beer doesn't have morals.
* If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good
    for a while.
* Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
* It's okay to leave a party with a different beer
    than the one you bought.
* Beer doesn't complain about farting.
* You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
* When you go to a bar, you know you can always
    pick up a beer.
* A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
* When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
* Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
* You can enjoy a beer all night long.
* You can put all your old beers together in one room
    and they won't fight.
* A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because
    the guys spit.
* Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
* A beer won't accuse you of being a sexist pig
    if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".
* Beer doesn't mind football season.
* You can share a beer with your friends.
* A beer does not come with inlaws.
* A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor"
    than a woman.
* You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower
    curtain rod.
* Beers don't want a lasting relationship.
* Beer doesn't demand legality.
* Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
* A beer won't make you go to church.
* Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
* You can try dark beers and foreign beers without
    upsetting your parents.
* When beer goes flat you toss it out.
* A beer won't argue that there's no difference between
    shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and
    blowing a Korean airliner
* You are never embarraessed about the beer you bring
    to a party.
* A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
* A beer never costs you more than five dollars and
    never leaves you thirsty.
* Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
* To cool off a beer, all you have to do is put it
    in the ice box.
* Beer looks the same in the morning.
* A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer
    on your breath.
* Beer is always easy to pick up.
* Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
* A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
* You don't have to wine and dine beer.
* You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
* Big, fat beers are nice to have.
* Beer is always wet.
* After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other
    than dumping the empty bottle.
* Your beer will always wait patiently for you at home
    until the bar closed.
* A beer never fishes for compliments.
* Beer doesn't need much closet space.
* Beer labels come off without a fight.
* You don't have to drive a beer home in the morning.
* After you've put your lips to a beer, it doesn't say,
    'What are you doing?'
* A beer will *never* make you go to a Swedish movie.
* A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
* When you're through with a beer, the thought of another
    beer doesn't make you ill.
* You can have a beer in public.
* Beer won't drive you to drink.
* Beer never asks you to change the station.
* A beer will *never* make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater"
    on channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.
* A beer won't smoke in your car.
* Beer is never late.
* If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8"
    around a beer, it won't think you're talking about an
    enormous can of vegetable juice.
* Beer never has a headache.
* A beer won't get upset if you come home and have
    another beer.
* A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours
    of lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station.
* Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
* Beer doesn't wear a bra.
* If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
* Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
* A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football.
* A beer won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas
    with the excuse: "But I saved a quarter!"
* Beer is easy to get into.
* You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
* A beer doesn't care when you come.
* Beer doesn't care how much you earn.
* An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your
    way with it.
* After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
* You never have to promise to respect a beer in the morning.
* Beer is never overweight.
* A beer won't worry that you'll go to jail if you
    videotape a Giants game without the expressed, written
    consent of the National Football League.
* A beer is always wet.
* The only thing a beer tells you is when its time to go
    to the bathroom.
* You can enjoy a beer all month.
* HANGOVERS go away.

Q: Why is a beer better than a woman?
A: You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a beer?
A: A beer's still worth 5 cents when you are finished with it.

Q: Why is a beer better than a woman?
A: If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.

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Subj:     Why GUITARS are Better Than Women:

1. A guitar has a volume knob.
2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79
     for a new one.
3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to.
4. You can unplug a guitar.
5. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining
     it wants more.
6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset.
7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause,
     not arrested.
8. You can have a guitar any color you want and
     no one will care.
9. You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just
     by turning a peg.
10. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can
     retune it.
11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar.
12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get
     a lighter set.
13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to
     *your* liking.
14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional,
     not required.
15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars
     you want for free.
16. It's good to have a guitar that's stretched out.
17. You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without
     feeling embarassed.
18. You can rent a guitar without worrying about who
     rented it before you.
19. You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and
     no protective covering.
20. You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
21. A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when
     you sell it.

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Subj:     Why WOMEN Are Better Than Guitars:

1. Women are more fun when the power goes out.
2. You can't get your guitar wet.
3. Ever try to screw a guitar?
4. The input to a guitar is only 1/4".
5. A guitar won't beg to be played.
6. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray
     whipped cream on it.
7. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but
     not your tongue.
8. Guitars aren't very aggressive.
9. A guitar won't play you back.
10. You need two hands to make a guitar screamo plays it.
14. You can't play two guitars at once.
15. You can't fall in love with a guitar (well, maybe you
     can, but they can't love you back).
16. It's a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than
     guitar strings.
17. Guitar lessons aren't free and aren't as much fun.
18. If you really *do* want little guitars, you have to
     buy them.
19. You can't marry a rich guitar.
20. Even a good guitar won't usually last a whole lifetime.
21. Guitars don't taste very good.
22. A guitar won't give you head.

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Subj:     Why SHEEP are Better Than Women:

* Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth
* You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear
* Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather
* Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease
* Nuttin' beats mutton
* Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel
* Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort
   your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early
* Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down
* Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get
   pissed off when you tell them
* No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find
   a willing ewe
* Sheep are never concerened about their reputation
* Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you
   couldn't get it up
* Sheep won't ask if you're gay the first time you can't
   get it up for the second time
* Sheep never insist on eating out
* You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture
   of Mel Gibson
* Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late
* Sheep don't smell like tuna fish
* Sheep don't get moody once a month
* You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck
   in your teeth
* A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the rest
   of her life after one roll in the hay
* A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed
* A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon
* A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car
* A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles her
   to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains
* A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay...
   and pay
* A sheep will never complain about the spittoon
   in your pickup
* A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy
* A sheep won't care of you keep your fish bait
   in the refrigerator
* A sheep won't get even with you by spending your paycheck
   on new clothes, none of which are see-through or meant to
   be worn in the bedroom
* A sheep will never sue you for palimony
* A sheep won't care if you screw her sister
* A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking
   than she is
* A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be
   painted while you're screwing
* A sheep won't use your razor to shave it's legs, or your
   pocketknife to open a paint can
* Sheep never have a headache
* A sheep won't give your favorite hunting shirt to Goodwill
* A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom
* A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from
   work and pick up a box of tampons
* Sheep grow their own fur coats
* A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living room
   couch when you're having friends over to watch football
* Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend
* A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her
   in the morning
* Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex
* A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up
* A sheep won't send you out for batteries for her vibrator
* A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do it
   doggy style
* A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom
* Sheep are "ram tough"
* A sheep won't think your cheap and tacky if you: send
   daisies instead of long-stemmed red roses, tip less than
   20%, wear levis with a hole in the seat, open beer bottles
   with your teeth
* A sheep won't drop YOU FOR A CUCUMBER

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Subj:     Why TACO is Better Than Women:

* don't compare you with friends.
* don't tell their mother that you are an asshole.
* don't tell your mother that you are an asshole.
* won't mind if you share them with friends.
* don't fall in love with you.
* don't gag.
* don't care how much meat you put in them.
* don't give you herpes.
* NEVER call you back in a month with bad news.
* don't care if you respect them in the morning.
* won't throw up in your front seat.
* won't scream so loud that it wakes up the neighbors.
* won't leave scratches on your back.
* don't tell you that size doesn't count.
* can get away on weekends.
* don't care if you come home smelling like strange tacos.
* don't fog up your car windows.
* don't call you at home.
* won't mind if you talk about other tacos in your sleep.
* won't leave panties in your car.
* won't spit it out in the toilet.
* can handle rejection.
* won't ask you about former tacos.
* don't demand alimony when you stop eating them.
* are immune to yeast infections.
* don't yell "beat me, hurt me, bite me!!".
* never eat other tacos.
* won't make you keep eating until you get it right.
* don't get headaches.
* don't make you tell them it was great.
* You can get tacos for 55 cents a piece.
* You don't have to be a postman to eat tacos any day
of the week.
* You can eat a taco in a two seat roadster or even
while driving.
* You can eat a taco and know that you're the first.
* If you don't finish a taco, it doesn't go away mad.
* You can eat a taco with your glasses on.
* You can always make a taco hot.
* A taco never tells you how to eat it.
* You can still eat a taco after you forget its birthday.
* You can breathe when you eat a taco.
* It's easy to get rid of a taco.

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Subj:     Why CATS are Better Than Women:

* A cat won't wake you up at 3 am because it wants
    to make love to you.
* A cat doesn't use the phone for hours.
* A cat loves you until it dies.
* You don't have to tell your cat you love it - it
    *knows* you do.
* A cat never calls you on the phone in the middle of the
    night saying "ooooh I'm soooo druuuunk, wiiiill youuuuu
    taaake meeee hooooooome"
* You don't need to help your cat with Calculus or Statistics.
* A cat doesn't care if you haven't been eating for two days.
* A cat doesn't want to borrow money from you.
* You don't need to buy your cat expensive presents
    on its birthday.
* You don't need to buy your cats mother expensive presents
    on her birthday.
* A cat doesn't say "no" when you want the two of you to
    take a two week holiday on some romantic island
    in West India.
* If there's a mouse in the house, the cat kills it,
    instead of making a lot of fuss about it.
* A cat won't hate you if you have it castrated.

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Subj:     Why MOUNTAINBIKES are Better Than Women:
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #89

* Mountainbikes don't get pregnant.
* You can ride your mountainbike any time of the month.
* When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great
   ride you had the last time you were on your mountainbike.
* Mountainbikes don't whine unless something is
   *really* wrong.
* You can share your mountainbike with your friends.
* Mountainbikes don't care how many other mountainbikes
   you've ridden.
* When riding, you and your mountainbike can arrive
   at the same time.
* Mountainbikes don't care how many other mountainbikes
   you have.
* Mountainbikes don't care if you look at other mountainbikes.
* Mountainbikes don't care if you buy mountainbike magazines.
* You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a
   new mountainbike" unless you go out to buy one yourself.
* You can have a black mountainbike and bring it home
   to your parents.
* You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works
   on your mountainbike.
* If you say bad things to your mountainbike,
   you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
* You can ride your mountainbike as long as you want and
   it won't get sore.
* You can stop riding your mountainbike as soon as you want
   and it won't get frustrated.
* Your parents won't remain in touch with your old
   mountainbike after you dump it.
* Mountainbikes don't get headaches.
* Mountainbikes don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
* You don't have to take a shower before you ride
   your mountainbike.
* If your mountainbike doesn't look good you can paint it
   or get better parts.
* You can ride your mountainbike the first time you meet it,
   without taking it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
* The only protection you have to wear when riding your
   mountainbike is a decent helmet.

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Busy Smiley from
Smiliemania.da

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