>>> Subj:     Bill Gates Jokes (Gz)                  (Includes 12 jokes and articles)

Money Roll from Millanimations

Also see CARS1 file   - 'If Microsoft Built Cars'
         COMPUTERS4   - 'Bill Gates Discusses Coke'
         GOD2 file    - 'Yeltsin, Clinton And Gates Meet God'
         JOBS3 file   - 'Bill Gates' Message on Life'
         ITALIAN file - 'Italian Buisness School'
         KIDS1 file   - 'Toddler Property Laws'
         NERD file    - 'Nerd Letters From Camp'
         PLANE1 file  - 'Not Enough Parachutes'
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Subj:     Meeting Bill Gates At The Airport (S441b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/8/2005

 I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple
 of weeks ago.  While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting
 comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.

 I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to
 Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

 Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the
 Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates,
 I wonder if you would do me a favor."

 "Yes?"

 "I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar,
 "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so
 kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"

 "Sure."

 I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

 About ten minutes later, my client showed up.  We ordered a
 drink and started to talk business.

 A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder.  It
 was Bill Gates.

 "Hi, Ray," he said.

 I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Bill Gates Dies And Goes To Heaven (S180, DU)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on July 13

 When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter
 showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds
 and a tennis court.  Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many
 months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

 One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when
 he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

 "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates.  "Where did you
 get it?"

 "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these
 when I got here.  I've been treated really well.  I got a mansion
 on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred
 acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

 "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

 "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the
 Titanic."

 Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off
 to find St. Peter.

 Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying,
 "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering
 new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic?
 I invented the Windows operating system!  Why does he deserve
 better??!!!!"

 "Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only
 crashed once."

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Subj:     Bill Gates And Farting (S252b, S584)
          From: JBCARY1 on 11/29/2001
          (See 'Man with Hand Phone Goes Into A Bar' in BAR2
           and 'Three Nationalities In A Sauna' Redneck-Supp)

 Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (Heads of MicroSoft,
 Intel, and AMD, Advanced Micro Devices) were in a high-powered
 business meeting.  During the serious, tense discussion, a
 beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting.
 Bill says, "Oh, that's my beeper.  Gentlemen, excuse me, I
 need to take this call."  Bill lifts his wristwatch to his
 ear and begins  talking into the end of his tie.  After
 completing this call, he notices the others are staring at
 him. Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new personal communi-
 cation system.  I have an earpiece built into my watch and
 a microphone sewn into the end of my tie.  That way I can
 take a call anywhere."

 The others nod, and the meeting continues.

 Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when
 Andy starts beeping.  He states, "Excuse me gentlemen, this
 must be an important call."  Andy taps his earlobe and
 begins talking into thin air.  When he completes his call,
 he notices the others staring at him and explains, "I also
 have a personal communication system.  My earpiece is
 actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is
 actually embedded in this fake tooth."

 The others nod, and the meeting continues.

 Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted
 when Jerry emits a thunderous fart.  He looks up at the
 others staring at him and says, "Somebody get me a piece
 of paper... I'm receiving a fax!"

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Subj:     Bill Gates Dies And Meets God (S16, S487c)
          From: DR SWITZER on 97-05-23
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 5/22/2006

 Bill Gates dies in a car accident.  He finds himself being
 sized up by God...

 "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure
 whether to send you to Heaven or hell.  After all, you
 enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost
 every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly
 Windows XP.  I'm going to do something I've never done
 before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

 Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

 God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly,
 to see if it will help your decision."

 "Fine, but where should I go first?"

 "I'll leave that up to you."

 "Okay then, "said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

 So Bill went to Hell.  It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach
 with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around,
 playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.  The sun
 was shining; the temperature perfect.  He was very pleased.

 "This is great!" he told God.  "If this is Hell, I REALLY want
 to see heaven!"

 "Fine" said God, and off they went.

 Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting
 about, playing harps and singing.  It was nice, but not as
 enticing as Hell.

 Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
 "Hmmm.  I think I'd prefer hell," he told God.

 "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."

 So Bill Gates went to Hell.

 Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire
 to see how he was doing in Hell.  When he got there, he found
 Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark
 caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything
 going?" he asked Bill.

 Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and
 disappointment, "This is awful!  This is nothing like the Hell
 I visited two weeks ago!  I can't believe this is happening!
 What happened to that other place, with the beaches, and the
 beautiful women playing in the water???"

 Oh, God said, that was Hell 2000.  This is Hell XP.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Bill Gates' Home
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97

 House built by the richest!!  Yet it's in a city where it
 rains 360 out of 365 days... Building officials from a
 dozen local municipalities toured Bill and Melinda Gates'
 house last month, below are the comments from one of the
 officials.

 Currently 300 workers including 104 electricians.

 No visible electrical outlets anywhere.  Gates does not
 like "clutter".

 Construction likely complete in September 1997,
 3 months behind owner's schedule.

 112 steps from the main floor to the main entry (or take
 the elevator).

 Wood columns from main floor to roof in entry area are
 over 70 feet long.

 Theme throughout main floor is high tech. lodge. Primary
 structure is all exposed similar to large logs in a lodge
 except the logs are PERFECTLY finished.

 All timbers used inside and out are finished the same - 3
 inches have been removed from the exterior of the wood and
 then sanded to a satin finish.

 All timbers are nearly perfect in that there are almost
 no knots.

 All connectors are structural grade stainless steel.

 All bolts throughout the house are stainless steel and
 oriented the same direction. (Boy, this is really anal!)

 All woodwork is flawless.  Much of the woodwork is of
 various rare species from all over the world - imported
 especially for the Gates'.

 Some of the interior passage doors weigh over 800 lbs,
 but are balanced for easy use.

 Accoustics are a concern throughout. Various woods and
 fabrics are being used.  Accoustic panels in the Ballroom
 move out of sight on their own.

 Roofing is stainless steel.

 Floor is heated everywhere including the driveway and walks.

 Ventilation system also conditions the air for health
 and comfort.

 Security system (automated and personnel) is redundant.
 Hidden cameras everywhere including interior stone walls.
 Sensors in the floor can track a person to within 6 inches.
 System is monitored at the Microsoft campus.

 Gates has a personal 4-car garage. House for the maintenance
 staff has its own 3-car garage.  Nanny parks in the 6-car
 carport across from the main entry.  An additional 10-cars
 can be parked in a subterranean arched concrete building
 which through an electronic transformation becomes a
 basketball court.

 Nanny lives in plush quarters in the main residence near
 to the Gates' bedroom.

 Existing cedar tree was determined by Gates to be in the
 wrong location and moved 6 inches.

 Gates insisted on saving a 140 year old maple adjacent to
 the driveway.  The tree is monitored electronically 24
 hours per day via computer.  If it seems dry, it gets
 just the right amount of water automatically delivered.

 There will be an 18 hole putting range.

 A salmon hatchery is being finished.

 If you wish, your music will follow you throughout the
 house--even at the bottom of the pool.

 Many doors are blended so well with the walls that it is
 hard to see them.

 Theatre (underground in a concrete shell) is the most
 state-of-the-art theatre in the world according to
 specialty contractor.

 Entry gate senses when your car approaches and opens
 fully by the time you arrive.

 Very old antique cabinets from China have been brought
 in and built into the walls with adjacent paneling built
 to match the cabinets exactly.

 52 miles of communication cable in the building.

 Shower curtain next to the spa is a 4500 lb slab of granite.

 Melinda has 42 linear feet of clothes hanging space in her
 closet operated like a dry cleaner's rack.

 Master bathtub can be filled to the right temperature and
 depth by Gates as he drives home from work.

 Only two guest bedrooms.

 There is a 28 foot high cantilever retaining wall.

 Reinforcing steel in all concrete is four times the code
 minimum. No.18 steel wrapped with no. 5 ties was common
 for simple columns.

 There is a loading bay within the building.

 All work is virtually flawless.

 An interior designer disagreed with the layout of a portion
 of the home.  Demolition resulted and 160 cubic yards of
 cured, cast-in-place concrete was removed.

 All building officials were suffering "sensory overload"
 shortly after the 3-hour tour started.

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Subj:     Bill Gates And The Beast, 666
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-05-08

 You've gotta read this and try it out; and then tell me
 what you think! The part about Excel is TRUE!!!!!

 Since we're all using MICROSOFT products here, I thought
 I'd just let you know these facts...  Do you know that
 Bill Gates' REAL name is William Henry Gates III?  Nowadays,
 he is known as Bill Gates (III) where III means the order
 of third (3rd).

 So, what's so eerie about this name?  If you take all the
 letters in Bill Gates III and then convert it in ASCII code
 (American standard code for information interchange) and
 then ADD up all the numbers...you will get 666, which is
 the number of the beast!!!

      B66
      I73
      L76
      L76
      G71
      A65
      T84
      E69
      S83
      I1
      I1
      I1

      666 !!!! THE NUMBER OF THE DEVIL........ Coincidence?

 Maybe, but take WINDOWS 95 and do the SAME procedure and
 you will get 666 too !!! And the same goes for MS-DOS 6.31!!!

 Are you sure this is not a Coincidence?  You decide....
      MS-DOS 6.21
      77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
      WINDOWS 95
      87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1= 666

      Okay now for the good part!!!!!!

 For those of you who still have the OLD xcel 95 (not office 97)
 try this out:

      1. Open a new file.
      2. Scroll down until you see row 95.
      3. Click on the row 95 button, this highlights the whole row 4.

      Press tab, to move to the second column.
      5. Now, move your mouse and click on help THEN about
         microsoft excel
      6. Press ctrl-alt-shift and click on the tech support
         button simultaneously.
      7. A WINDOW WILL APPEAR, TITLE : THE HALL OF TORTURED
         SOULS.  This is really eerie okay...it has a doom
         style format and you can walk all around the hall
         (use your arrow keys)...and on the sides of the
         walls are the names of the tortured souls....
      8. NOW WALK UP THE STAIRS AND THEN COME BACK DOWN,
         FACE THE BLANK WALL AND THEN TYPE IN EXCELKFA.
         This will open the blank wall to reveal another
         secret passage, walk through the passage and DO
         NOT fall off (this is the hard part!), when you
         get to the end, you will see something really
         really eerie....

 At this point of time, countless witnesses all over the
 world have verified that it is a real eye opener.  It
 could be a joke by MS programmers or is it?......

 Wouldn't be surprise if Bill Gates was "The Antichrist",
 afterall it was already foretold in the Bible that someone
 powerful would rise up and lead the world to destruction.

 And Bill Gates definitely have that kind of power in his
 hands.  More than 80% of the world's computers run on
 Windows and DOS (including those at Pentagon!)  If all his
 products have some kind of small program embedded (like
 this Hall of Tortured Souls) that can give him control,
 setting off nuclear arsenals, creating havoc in security
 systems, financial systems all over the world,etc.....
 All from his headquarters isn't a far of reality!  Just
 using Internet.  Explorer may just allow him to map out
 what you have on your computer bit by bit each time you
 log on.  Perhaps the endtimes are near and this is just
 a tip of the iceberg!?

 Quote from the Bible

 "He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor,
 free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on
 his forehead, so that no one could buy or sell unless he
 had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number
 of his name.  This calls for wisdom.  If anyone has insight,
 let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is man's
 number.  His number is 666."...Revelations 13:16-18.

 See....  It is something for you to think about....if the
 Bible, in the Book of Revelation says that without the
 sign of the beast one would not be able to buy, sell, do
 business transactions, etc. then.  My question to you know
 is this.....

 Is Internet now a necessity in doing business?  The Internet
 also bears the sign.  Note that the Internet is also
 commonly known as the World Wide Web or WWW.  One other
 way we write W is  V/(VI) so
      W W W
      VI VI VI
      6 6 6

 This gives me something to ponder upon ... Isn't everything
 going towards the Internet? (i.e., buying/selling goods,
 business transactions)  Isn't Microsoft always on the move
 to have a monopoly when it comes to software technology?
 And now the Internet?  Revelation also says that the mark
 of the beast will be carried on one's Hand and one's fore-
 head.....

 If the Internet would indeed be the sign of the beast
 aren't we all starting to carry it on our hands and fore-
 heads???  Screens (forehead) and make use of the mouse
 (hand)???  Are things finally falling into place or are
 we just letting our imagination run???  Remember, the
 devil came to cheat, steal, and to destroy ....... so be
 VIGILANT!!! about Bill Gates and Microsoft.

 "To agree or to not agree with the WWW or the Beast", is
 not the question.  What if the WWW is the 666?  Or Bill
 Gates be the Beast?  What will you do??  Cancel subscrip-
 tions to the Internet?  Resign from Microsoft?  Set out a
 campaign against Bill Gates in the Internet?  Shut down
 all Windows 95 forever?  It will not do you any good...
 think about all this and pray, pray really hard, or else

Second version
From: Bobbyt's Place on 6/19/97

 M  S  -  D  O  S     6  .  2  1
 77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49=666

 W  I  N  D  O  W  S  9  5
 87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1=666

 S  Y  S  T  E  M     7  .  0
 83+89+83+84+69+77+32+55+46+48=666
 Coincidence? I think not!

 The real name of Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.
 Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III"
 means the order of third (3rd.)  By converting the
 letters of his current name to the ASCII values and
 adding his (III), you get the following:

 B  I  L  L  G  A  T  E  S (the 3rd)
 66+73+76+76+71+65+84+69+83+3=666

 Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?"
 Coincidence?  Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate
 and total enslavement??? YOU decide!  Goodbye for now...
 but join us again soon, in... THE GATESGATE ZONE

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Subj:     Short Gates Jokes

From: Anaise on 98-02-10
 Imagine the disincentive to software development if after
 months of work another company could come along and copy
 your work and market it under its own name... without legal
 restraints to such copying, companies like Apple could not
 afford to advance the state of the art" -- Bill Gates, 1983
             (New York Times, 25 Sep 1983, p. F2)

 640K ought to be enough for anybody."
  --  Bill Gates, 1981

From: ipkis on 97-10-11
 At COMDEX Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with
 the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like
 the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar
 cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
 Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the
 statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

From: humorlist-digest V1 #202 on 97-09-18
 Q: What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
 A: "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft !"

From: TNKRTEACH on 98-02-25
 Q: What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
 A: "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

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Harry Smiley Potter Gates from Smiley_Central

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