(Includes 64 jokes and articles, 17 1053,9,cf,wYT3a5a,5)
Click "Here" for Hospital-Supp
Subj: George Clooney On Jimmy Kimmel Live (S994d)
Posted by Jimmy Kimmel Live on 2/2/2016
.......Click 'HERE' to see this cute skit from Kimmel Live.
Subj: Lamaze Class (S206, S494b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 1/7/2001
The room was full of pregnant
women and their partners, and
the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was
teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with
informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at
this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies,
exercise is good for
you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it
wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your
The room got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Subj: A Hermaphrodite Baby (S168, S630)
From: JCary on 4/20/00
and From: gheckman on 5/9/2003
A woman gives birth to a baby,
and afterwards, the doctor
comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about
The woman sits up in bed and
says, "What's wrong with my
baby, doctor? What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now,
nothing's wrong, exactly, but
your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means
your baby has the...er...
features...of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says,
"Oh my god! You mean it has
a penis...AND a brain?"
Hillbilly Medical Terms (S450)
From: darrell94590 on 8/31/2005
To view these cute medical terms click 'HERE'.
Subj: Man Gets Bionic Arm (S404b)
From: JokesUncut on 5/12/2004
A man had been in a terrible
car accident, and woke up in
the hospital. Looking around, he noticed a doctor leaning
over his bed. "Jesus doc," the man exclaimed, "what
happened. Where am I."
The doctor replied "You have
been in a bad car accident, and
you're in the hospital, but don't worry, you're going to be
all right. The bad news is that we had to amputate your
right arm, above the elbow."
"Oh no," the man screamed. "I'd
rather be dead. I can't go
through life without my arm. Please doc, kill me. I can't
go on like this........"
"Now son," said the doctor, "with
the miracles of modern
medicine today, we can give you a Bionic Arm. Only costs
one million dollars, and it looks and works just like the
real thing. Nobody will ever know it's not your own arm."
"Yeah, great," the man groaned.
"And where the hell am I
gonna get a million bucks. I'm better off dead."
"Hang on now," said the doctor.
"We've been looking for a
case like yours for a while now. We just came up with a
new arm. For only ten thousand dollars, you can have it. It
looks just like the more expensive one, but the only
difference is that this one has a small microphone built
into it, and you have to TELL the arm what to do. Other
than that, it works just like the other one."
"Well," the guy says, "I can
probably afford ten grand. Go
ahead, sew it on."
The next day, the guy woke up
in the same bed, and saw the
doctor leaning over him again. "Well, doc, how did it go?
Is everything all right?"
"We think that the operation
was a success," replied the
surgeon, "but you will have to try it out, and let us know
if there are any problems with it."
Later on in the day, the guy
was lying in bed, practicing
with his new arm. "Lift up," he commanded. The arm lifted
up. "Move right." The arm moved to the right. "Move left."
The arm moved to the left. Everything seemed to be working
without a hitch, and he was really pleased. All of a
sudden, he had the urge to go to the bathroom.
He hopped out of bed, and proceeded
into the john. "Arm,
reach down and undo my zipper." The arm obeyed. "Take out
my Wang." The arm obeyed flawlessly. The guy had his
leak, and when he was done, he commanded, "Shake it." The
arm gave it a little shake. "No, shake it harder!" The
arm gave it a good shake. "Hey," the guy said, "that feels
pretty good......jerk it off."
Subj: Hospital wants To Cut Off Man's Penis (S399b)
From: CKButch4Femme on 9/7/2004
Doctors at a Romanian hospital
want police to help them find
a man who fled after being told he'd have to have his penis
cut off. Staff at the hospital in Pitesti in the south of
the country say gangrene had set in.
The 42-year-old had apparently
stuck a metal ring on it after
losing a bet during a drinking game in the pub. Doctors told
the man the only way to save his life was to remove the damaged
penis, but said when they told him he fled the hospital.
Dr Stelian Belu said: "He put
the ring on but could not get it
off again, and unfortunately although he was in agony, he waited
two days before coming to hospital because he was embarrassed.
"The blood supply by that time
had been cut off for too long,
and there was nothing we could do. We told him we would need
to cut it off so that the necrosis does not spread to his body."
Doctors fear the man will die
if he does not get urgent medical
treatment, local Pro TV reported.
Dr Belu added: "There is no way
he can escape going under the
knife. He needs to come back to the hospital and accept this."
Subj: The Daily Drawing (S1053)
By Lorie Ranson on 3/13/2017
From: Roger Ford on 3/17/2017
Subj: Patrolman Has Operation (S398b)
From: igiggle on 9/7/2004
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed
to the hospital with an
inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him
that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling
something pulling at the hairs on his chest.
Worried and confused, he finally
got enough energy to pull
his hospital gown open so he could look at what was making
him so uncomfortable. Three wide strips of adhesive tape
were firmly affixed across his hairy chest. Written on
them in large black letters was the sentence:
"Get well quick. And think
twice before you give a nurse
a speeding ticket."
Subj: Angry Old Man And The Nurse (S362, S621)
From: thebartend on 1/5/2004
and From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/3/2008
(See 'Respitory Therapist' in this file)
Lorne was an old man, he was
sick, and he was in the hospital.
Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him
crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he
was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of
voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready
for our bath, or are we hungry?"
Old Lorne had had enough of this
particular nurse. One day,
Old Lorne had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off
the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been
given a Urine Bottle to fill for testing. The juice was
apple juice. So.....you know where the juice went.
Well, the nurse came in a little
later and picked up the
urine bottle. She looks at it. "My, but it seems we are a
little cloudy today....."
At this, Old Lorne snatched the
bottle out of her hand,
pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll
run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this
The nurse fainted..... Old Lorne just smiled......
Subj: Husband Has Terrible Automobile Accident (S349)
From: JBCARY1 on 10/1/2003
Mrs. Jones gets a call from the
hospital. They tell her that
her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident. She
rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's
been in an accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the
case. They page the doctor. He comes out into the waiting room
to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones.
"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?"
The doctor sits next to her and
says, "Not good news, I'm
afraid. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of
"Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "What is the prognosis?"
"Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news
is his vital signs are stable.
However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills
or capability. This means you will have to feed him."
Mrs. Jones begins to sob...
"And you'll have to turn him
in his bed every two hours to
Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly...
"Then, of course," the doctor
continued, "you'll have to diaper
him as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course,
these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mrs. Jones begins to shake as
she cries, sobs, wails... The
"And you'll have to clean up
his feces on a regular basis,
as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels will
engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you
must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid
effluent he'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing,
sobbing uncontrollably and
beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then, Dr. Smith reaches
out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on
the shoulder, and says, "Hey, I'm just f*ckin' with you. He's
Subj: Tundra Comics (S910)
Created by Chad Carpenter on 6/2/2014
Subj: Sarah Finkel's Hospital Condition (S347b, S534b)
From: JBCARY1 on 9/25/2003
and From: darrell94590 on 4/16/2007
A woman, calling a local hospital,
said, "Hello, I'd like to
talk with the person who gives the information regarding your
patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting
better, or doing as expected, or is getting worse".
The voice on the other end of
the line said, "What is the
patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
"I will connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at
her records. Oh, yes. Mrs.
Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals,
her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as
normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a
couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen
is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's
wonderful! Oh! that's
fantastic.. that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm,
I take it you must be a
close family member or a very close friend!"
"Not exactly, I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit!!
Subj: The Sunburn (S287b, DU)
From: RFSlick on 7/30/2002
A man fell asleep on the beach
under the noon day sun and
suffered severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the
hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very
painful and had started to blister.
Anything that touched his legs
caused agony. The doctor
prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and
electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.
Rather astounded, the nurse inquired,
"What good will
Viagra do him in that condition?
"The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."
Subj: An Old Lady's Poem (S226, S518b)
From: flovilla on 5/27/2001
and From: darrell94590 on 12/16/2006
An old lady died in the geriatric
ward of a small hospital
near Dundee, Scotland, it was felt that she had nothing left
of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going
through her meager possessions,
they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the
staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in
the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Ireland. The old
lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the
Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland
Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also
been made based on her simple, but eloquent, poem.... And this
little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the
world, is now the authors of this "anonymous" poem winging
across the Internet. Goes to show that we all leave "SOME
footprints in time".....
AN OLD LADY'S POEM
What do you see, nurses, what do you see?
What are you thinking when you're looking at me?
A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice, "I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe....
Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill....
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse; you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten...with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.
A bride soon at twenty--my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five now, I have young of my own
Who need me to guide, and a secure happy home.
A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.
At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.
At fifty, once more babies play around my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead;
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.
I'm now an old woman....and nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living life over again.
think of the years....all too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, nurses, open and see,
Not a crabby old woman; look closer...see ME!!
...Remember this poem when you
next meet an old person
who you might brush aside without looking at the young
soul within...... We will one day be there, too!
Subj: Respitory Therapist (S224, DU)
From: baywolves on 5/6/2001
(See 'Angry Old Man And The Nurse' in this file)
I'm visiting my father-in-law
in the hospital and Steve,
one of his respiratory therapists, comes in. He removes
the pass-through valve from the tracheotomy and inserts a
red rubber tube into the hole -- maybe a foot and a half
down -- suctioning whatever goo has collected in the lungs.
The machine makes nasty slurping noises. It took me a long
time to get used to it.
"I used to be the RT shift supervisor
at another hospital,"
Steve says. "And it was my responsibility to show the new
residents around. "Every once in a while, I'd head to the
ICU in front of the tour and find a patient that wasn't on
the ventilator, and I'd mix up some apricot and pear juice
and put it in the suction reservoir. When the tour came
through, I'd be going through my spiel and say, 'Oh, looks
like this needs to be emptied.'
"And I'd unscrew the reservoir and drink the juice.
"I got a couple of them to throw up."
Subj: ICU - Cartoon (S450)
From: darrell94590 on 8/31/2005
Subj: Four Guys In The Waiting Room (S180, DU)
From: thebartend on 7/10/00
Four expectant fathers were in
a Minneapolis hospital
waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The
nurse arrived and announced to the first man,
"Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious
pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little
while and turned to the
second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence " he
answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies
at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other
two men were passing
cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she
turned to the 3rd man, who had been quiet in the corner.
She announced that his wife had just given birth to
quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't
tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After
finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't
believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's
attention turned to the
4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor.
The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he
slowly gained back his consciousness. The nurse asked,
"Sir, are you all right?" "Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k.
now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at 7-11."
Subj: Guessing Baby's Weight (S336b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/2/2003
Our Lamaze class included a tour
of the pediatric wing of
the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery,
all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy
standing next to me was the only male to venture a number.
"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.
"This must not be your first," I said.
"Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first."
"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked.
He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."
Subj: True Hospital Stories (S141, S577c)
From: collins2 on 10/14/1999
and From: tom on 1/31/2008
A man comes into the ER and yells,
"My wife's going to have
her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the
cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her
underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs,
and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest
wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be,"
remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not
more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest
of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual
acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart
and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the
20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left." Again,
a flawless read. "Now both," I
requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the
large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had
done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both
his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when
the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This
is only a one-seater!"
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor.
"The patch". The nurse told me to put on a new one every six
hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor
had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't
see....Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the
instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete
confusion she answered, "Why not for about twenty years-when my
husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So,
how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the
Kentucky Jelly. I
can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient
replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
From: JBCARY1 on 11/12/2001 (S250)
The Surgeon's Note: A young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
and wearing strange clothing, entered the Emergency Room.
It was quickly determined that she had acute appendicitis,
so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was
completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above
it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep Off The Grass!"
Later, in the recovery room,
she found a note on her
dressing which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
From: Imogenelumen on 7/13/2003
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite
embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his
embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of
whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was
performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and
further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but
the song you were whistling
was 'I Wish I Was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."
Subj: Emergency Room Stories
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/5/98
Here are some highlights of ER
admissions to Chicago General
over the past year:
- A 28-year old male was brought
into the ER after an attempted
suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and
a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head
and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into
the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
- A woman with shortness on breath
and who weighted approximately
500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While
trying to undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of
the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on
the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to
find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least-- during a pelvic
exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of
her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".
- The most nonemergent ER visit:
A male adolescent came in at
2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint..
- A 92-year old woman had a full
cardiac arrest at home and was
rushed to the hospital. After 30 minutes of unsuccessful
resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The
doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her
mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be?
She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
- A 15-year old boy was laying
on a stretcher with his mother
sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank"
(methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with
needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about
this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might
have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy
thought for a while then said questioningly "You mean like
having sex with our dog?"
Subj: Emergency Room Stories II (S402)
From: JokesUncut on 5/14/2004
A 63 yr-old widow was admitted
to the hospital Recife,
Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she
was carrying a 20 Inch long skeleton of a fetus which she
conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside
the womb and was never expelled from her body.
In Michigan, a man came into
the ER with lacerations to
his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in
her privates..." and it bit him during sex. After an
examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a
surgical needle left inside her after a recent
PING PONG ANYONE?
A 20 yr-old man came into the
ER with a stony mass in his
rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling
around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea
of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The
concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain.
Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the
man's rectum was removed... along with a ping pong ball.
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania
ER complaining of
severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He
said that they would come out halfway, but they always
popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump,
but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and
discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at
all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his
Subj: Short Hospital Jokes
Subj: Wheeling A Patient To The Front Door (S401b)
From: Anonymous Jr on 7/5/2004
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I
found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on
the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't
need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being
rules, he reluctantly let me
wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if
his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's
still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital
Subj: Visiting Grandpa In The Hospital (S567, S752)
From: SCOTCOB on 11/30/2007
and From: tom on 6/14/2011
A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to
visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he
runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's
"Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly,
"as soon as Grandma
comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said his grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog!! Because
Grandma said that as
soon as you croak, we're going to Disney World!"
Teatime Love Bite (S540c in Penis-Supp)
From: SCOTCOB on 5/16/2007
Read why a husband and wife had to go to the
Subj: Coming Out Of The Anesthesia (S492)
From: igiggle on 6/30/2006
My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series
of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside.
His eyes fluttered open and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, I continued my vigil
while he drifted back to
sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off,"
he said. ~~Reader's Digest
Subj: 18 Year Old India Girl Has Pain (S315b)
From: jerry on 2/12/2003
An 18-year-old girl in India went to the hospital in
Jaipur, complaining of pain in the lower abdomen, and
left the hospital as a boy.
Doctors discovered that she had
a penis inside her
which they freed after a two-and-a-half hour operation.
He and his family are happy with the change.
Ananova (UK) 12-Feb-03
Nudist Camp Danger (S521c)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/29/2006
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: Nurse Picabo Street (S489c)
From: darrell94590 on 6/5/2006
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-a-boo)
is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working
at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any
longer. It caused too much confusion when she would answer
the phone and say .. Picabo, I.C.U.
Subj: Bird Flu Symnptoms (S460)
From: DoctorDebt on 11/15/2005
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms
of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please
seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield
Subj: Are You A Hacker? (S436b)
From: LABLaughsCleanon 6/3/2005
Subj: Conan O'Brein On CPR (S403b)
From: igiggle on 9/22/2004
A new study claims that mouth-to-mouth resuscitation is not
necessary during CPR and it's better to skip right to chest
compression. However, the study says that you're still
required to snuggle for a half hour afterward.
-- Conan O'Brien
Subj: Terrorists Prevent Kidney Operations (S312)
From: jerry on 1/15/2003
A Canadian hospital has had to put more than 50 patients
with kidney stones on hold because a vital piece of equip-
ment that needs replacing in their lithotriptor machine,
a machine that smashes the stones using high pressure
shock waves, has been held up by German authorities
because it, the "spark gap" device, can be used in making
a nuclear bomb and Germany will not export any device
that could be used by terrorists to make weapons.
This is expected to be resolved soon.
The Winnipeg Sun (Canada) via
Ananova (UK) 15-Jan-03
Rescuing Hug (S515)
From: LABLaughsClean on 11/28/2006
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: Surgeon Complains (S288, DU)
From: jerry on 8/6/2002
A UK surgeon who had to stop in the middle of surgery
because the nurses could not understand enough English
to follow his instructions and who filed a complaint
claiming that patient's lives are being put at risk by
nurses who do not understand English, is now facing a
formal disciplinary action for racism.
UK Telegraph 23-Jul-02
Subj: Hospital Looses Body (S270b, S494b)
From: jerry on 1/17/2002
Bonehead award four goes to the San Fernando General Hospital
in Trinidad which didn't know they had a dead person in one
of the hospital's storage rooms, for eight or nine months,
until an electrician discovered the skeleton, in case you
wondered if Trinidad has HMOs.
And what says one of the patients?
"That is real slackness that
somebody could be dead in there
for so long, right across from patients and nobody knew
Trinidad Express 16-Jan-02
Subj: Anthrax Exposure (S248)
From: jerry on 10/29/2001
It takes, on the average, 8,000 to 10,000 of the correct
sized spores to cause the pulmonary type of Anthrax infection
(the deadliest form). People who work in wool mills breath
about 400 to 500 anthrax spores a day and never succumb to
Subj: Hospital Emergency Room Visits (S245b)
From: jerry on 10/10/2001
What's a hospital to do?
George Goins of Oakland, California has visited the Highland
Hospital's emergency room more than 1,200 times since 1996,
and more recently, once or twice a day, each time calling
911 to get an ambulance. The total cost to taxpayers has
been roughly $900,000.
He says his chest begins to hurt,
he doesn't know why, and
so he runs down to the emergency room.
While an extreme case, such behavior
has become widespread.
Emergency rooms are getting crushed by patients, many
uninsured, who are regular visitors seeking food, human
interaction and sometimes a warm place. And emergency
rooms have a moral and legal obligation to take every
A study at San Francisco General
Hospital found that 6
percent of ER patients accounted for 25 percent of all
Subj: I'm Not Dead, And Yet I'm In Hell (S229)
From: KMACINTY on 6/18/2001
A February report in the Rochester (N.Y.) Democrat and
Chronicle described a local patient's remarkable recovery
from botulism paralysis at Park Ridge Hospital. The woman
recently recalled that, after the toxin struck her in June
2000, she lay in her hospital bed, able to hear everything
around her but unable to communicate in any way with anyone,
and that someone had erroneously said she was a big fan of
singer Celine Dion.
After that, the hospital staff,
in an effort to aid the
woman's recovery, played the singer's music in her room
around the clock for weeks. When the paralysis left the
woman, one of the first joys she experienced, she said,
was stopping the music because she actually never cared
Subj: Four-Letter Word During Operation (S131B)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 8/1/99
Patient: During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon
use a four-letter word that upset me very much.
Nurse: What word was that?
Subj: Marijuana Suppository (S130)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #305 on 6/4/99
It seems researchers at the University of Mississippi
Medical school have come up with the first marijuana-
based medical suppository.
The only drawback so far is that
minutes after insertion, you have an overpowering urge
to shove a twinkie up your ass.
Most hospitals make money by
selling the umbilical
cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused
in vein transplant surgery.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #59 on 98-03-09
Excercise is bunk. If you're sick you shouldn't take it
and if you're healthy you don't need it. --Henry Ford
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #238 on 98-03-28
I can understand why men don't like vasectomies. My uncle
got a vasectomy, and paid for it with Mastercard.
But he forgot to pay the bill,
so the finance company came
over to his house and knocked up my aunt.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically challenged.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required
From: humorlist-digest V2 #221 on 98-09-19
True story found in the "West Australian"
An inmate of a lunatic asylum started an affair with one of
the cleaning staff. Once he had gained her confidence they
got very amorous and after one particularly satisfying bout
of lovemaking he stole her keys and used them to escape.
The headline in the newspaper the next day read "Nut Screws
Washer and Bolts."
From: auntieg on 98-11-14
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens
on 2/3/2003 (S314b)
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying
in hospitals dying of nothing. -- Redd Foxx
From: igiggle on 4/25/2003 (S325b)
Did you hear about the new pill? It makes you feel good
but has the side effect of making you dull. It's called
From: igiggle on 9/18/2004 (S401b)
Q: How is a hospital gown like insurance?
A: You're never covered as well as you think you are.