(Includes 62 jokes and articles)
Click "Here" for Hospital-Supp
Tapheart from
Millanimations
| Subj:
Hospital2 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 62 jokes and articles) Click "Here" for Hospital-Supp |
|
Tapheart from Millanimations |
============================================================Top
| Subj:
Hillbilly Medical Terms (S450)
From: darrell94590 on 8/31/2005 |
 |
To view these cute medical terms click 'HERE'.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Man
Gets Bionic Arm (S404b)
From: JokesUncut on 5/12/2004
A man had been in a terrible
car accident, and woke up in
the hospital. Looking around,
he noticed a doctor leaning
over his bed. "Jesus doc,"
the man exclaimed, "what
happened. Where am I."
The doctor replied "You have
been in a bad car accident, and
you're in the hospital, but
don't worry, you're going to be
all right. The bad news is that
we had to amputate your
right arm, above the elbow."
"Oh no," the man screamed. "I'd
rather be dead. I can't go
through life without my arm.
Please doc, kill me. I can't
go on like this........"
"Now son," said the doctor, "with
the miracles of modern
medicine today, we can give
you a Bionic Arm. Only costs
one million dollars, and it
looks and works just like the
real thing. Nobody will ever
know it's not your own arm."
"Yeah, great," the man groaned.
"And where the hell am I
gonna get a million bucks. I'm
better off dead."
"Hang on now," said the doctor.
"We've been looking for a
case like yours for a while
now. We just came up with a
new arm. For only ten thousand
dollars, you can have it. It
looks just like the more expensive
one, but the only
difference is that this one
has a small microphone built
into it, and you have to TELL
the arm what to do. Other
than that, it works just like
the other one."
"Well," the guy says, "I can
probably afford ten grand. Go
ahead, sew it on."
The next day, the guy woke up
in the same bed, and saw the
doctor leaning over him again.
"Well, doc, how did it go?
Is everything all right?"
"We think that the operation
was a success," replied the
surgeon, "but you will have
to try it out, and let us know
if there are any problems with
it."
Later on in the day, the guy
was lying in bed, practicing
with his new arm. "Lift up,"
he commanded. The arm lifted
up. "Move right." The arm moved
to the right. "Move left."
The arm moved to the left. Everything
seemed to be working
without a hitch, and he was
really pleased. All of a
sudden, he had the urge to go
to the bathroom.
He hopped out of bed, and proceeded
into the john. "Arm,
reach down and undo my zipper."
The arm obeyed. "Take out
my Wang." The arm obeyed
flawlessly. The guy had his
leak, and when he was done,
he commanded, "Shake it." The
arm gave it a little shake.
"No, shake it harder!" The
arm gave it a good shake. "Hey,"
the guy said, "that feels
pretty good......jerk it off."
(Ouch....)
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Hospital
wants To Cut Off Man's Penis (S399b)
From: CKButch4Femme on 9/7/2004
News Article:
Doctors at a Romanian hospital
want police to help them find
a man who fled after being told
he'd have to have his penis
cut off. Staff at the
hospital in Pitesti in the south of
the country say gangrene had
set in.
The 42-year-old had apparently
stuck a metal ring on it after
losing a bet during a drinking
game in the pub. Doctors told
the man the only way to save
his life was to remove the damaged
penis, but said when they told
him he fled the hospital.
Dr Stelian Belu said: "He put
the ring on but could not get it
off again, and unfortunately
although he was in agony, he waited
two days before coming to hospital
because he was embarrassed.
"The blood supply by that time
had been cut off for too long,
and there was nothing we could
do. We told him we would need
to cut it off so that the necrosis
does not spread to his body."
Doctors fear the man will die
if he does not get urgent medical
treatment, local Pro TV reported.
Dr Belu added: "There is no way
he can escape going under the
knife. He needs to come back
to the hospital and accept this."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Patrolman
Has Operation (S398b)
From: igiggle on 9/7/2004
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed
to the hospital with an
inflamed appendix. The
doctors operated and advised him
that all was well. However,
the patrolman kept feeling
something pulling at the hairs
on his chest.
Worried and confused, he finally
got enough energy to pull
his hospital gown open so he
could look at what was making
him so uncomfortable.
Three wide strips of adhesive tape
were firmly affixed across his
hairy chest. Written on
them in large black letters
was the sentence:
"Get well quick. And think
twice before you give a nurse
a speeding ticket."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Angry
Old Man And The Nurse (S362, S621)
From: thebartend on 1/5/2004
and
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/3/2008
(See 'Respitory Therapist' in this file)
Lorne was an old man, he was
sick, and he was in the hospital.
Anyway, there was this one young
nurse that just drove him
crazy. Every time she
came in, she would talk to him like he
was a little child. She
would say in a patronizing tone of
voice, "And how are we doing
this morning, or are we ready
for our bath, or are we hungry?"
Old Lorne had had enough of this
particular nurse. One day,
Old Lorne had received breakfast,
and pulled the juice off
the tray, and put it on his
bed side stand. He had been
given a Urine Bottle to fill
for testing. The juice was
apple juice. So.....you
know where the juice went.
Well, the nurse came in a little
later and picked up the
urine bottle. She looks
at it. "My, but it seems we are a
little cloudy today....."
At this, Old Lorne snatched the
bottle out of her hand,
pops off the top, and drinks
it down, saying, "Well, I'll
run it through again, and maybe
I can filter it better this
time."
The nurse fainted..... Old Lorne just smiled......
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Husband
Has Terrible Automobile Accident (S349)
From: JBCARY1 on 10/1/2003
Mrs. Jones gets a call from the
hospital. They tell her that
her husband's been in a terrible
automobile accident. She
rushes to the hospital, runs
into the ER and says her husband's
been in an accident. They
tell her Dr. Smith is handling the
case. They page the doctor.
He comes out into the waiting room
to see a terribly upset Mrs.
Jones.
"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?"
The doctor sits next to her and
says, "Not good news, I'm
afraid. Your husband's accident
resulted in two fractures of
his spine."
"Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "What is the prognosis?"
"Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news
is his vital signs are stable.
However, his spine is inoperable.
He'll have no motor skills
or capability. This means
you will have to feed him."
Mrs. Jones begins to sob...
"And you'll have to turn him
in his bed every two hours to
prevent pneumonia."
Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly...
"Then, of course," the doctor
continued, "you'll have to diaper
him as he'll have no control
over his bladder and, of course,
these diapers must be changed
at least five times a day."
Mrs. Jones begins to shake as
she cries, sobs, wails... The
doctor continues:
"And you'll have to clean up
his feces on a regular basis,
as he'll have no control over
his sphincters. His bowels will
engorge whenever and quite often,
I'm afraid. Of course, you
must clean him immediately to
avoid accumulation of the putrid
effluent he'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing,
sobbing uncontrollably and
beginning to wither off the
bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then, Dr. Smith reaches
out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on
the shoulder, and says, "Hey,
I'm just f*ckin' with you. He's
dead."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Sarah
Finkel's Hospital Condition (S347b, S534b)
From: JBCARY1 on 9/25/2003
and
From: darrell94590 on 4/16/2007
A woman, calling a local hospital,
said, "Hello, I'd like to
talk with the person who gives
the information regarding your
patients. I'd like to find out
if the patient is getting
better, or doing as expected,
or is getting worse".
The voice on the other end of
the line said, "What is the
patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
"I will connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at
her records. Oh, yes. Mrs.
Finkel is doing very well.
In fact, she's had two full meals,
her blood pressure is fine,
her blood work just came back as
normal, she's going to be taken
off the heart monitor in a
couple of hours and if she continues
this improvement, Dr. Cohen
is going to send her home Tuesday
at twelve o'clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's
wonderful! Oh! that's
fantastic.. that's wonderful
news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm,
I take it you must be a
close family member or a very
close friend!"
"Not exactly, I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit!!
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: The
Sunburn (S287b, DU)
From: RFSlick on 7/30/2002
A man fell asleep on the beach
under the noon day sun and
suffered severe sunburn to his
legs. He was taken to the
hospital. His skin had
turned a bright red and was very
painful and had started to blister.
Anything that touched his legs
caused agony. The doctor
prescribed continued intravenous
feedings of water and
electrolytes, a mild sedative
and Viagra.
Rather astounded, the nurse inquired,
"What good will
Viagra do him in that condition?
"The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Organ
Donor Fired (S275c, DU)
From: jerry on 11/26/2001
Nancy Bevilacqua of Seattle,
Washington was fired last
month by Christopher ? Banks,
the 352-store clothing store
chain, because she donated a
kidney to her dying mother in
an emergency procedure, and
did so just before the start
of the holiday gift-buying season.
The company felt that
allowing her to take leave under
these circumstances would
establish a bad precedent.
And what says Bavilacqua when
she was told, six days before
the surgery, that she was fired?
"I was aghast and shaken
up," she said. "To go from one
extreme to another."
And what says John Prange, vice
president of human resources
for Christopher ? Banks?
"Allowing the leave could have
created a precedent whereby
other leaves not covered by the
Family and Medical Leave Act,
which were denied, could have
resulted in a perception of
discrimination."
And what says the doctor, Dr.
William Marks? "All of us
were just shocked when we realized
the implications. This
sends an unbelievably negative
message. Giving a kidney
is a tremendous gift to society
as well as a gift to the
individual."
Seattle Post-Intelligencer 22-Nov-01
http://seattlep-i.nwsource.com/local/47757_kidney22.shtml
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: An Old
Lady's Poem (S226, S518b)
From: flovilla on 5/27/2001
and From:
darrell94590 on 12/16/2006
An old lady died in the geriatric
ward of a small hospital
near Dundee, Scotland, it was
felt that she had nothing left
of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going
through her meager possessions,
they found this poem.
Its quality and content so impressed the
staff that copies were made
and distributed to every nurse in
the hospital. One nurse
took her copy to Ireland. The old
lady's sole bequest to posterity
has since appeared in the
Christmas edition of the News
Magazine of the North Ireland
Association for Mental Health.
A slide presentation has also
been made based on her simple,
but eloquent, poem.... And this
little old Scottish lady, with
nothing left to give to the
world, is now the authors of
this "anonymous" poem winging
across the Internet. Goes
to show that we all leave "SOME
footprints in time".....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AN OLD LADY'S POEM
What do you see, nurses, what
do you see?
What are you thinking when you're
looking at me?
A crabby old woman, not very
wise,
Uncertain of habit, with faraway
eyes?
Who dribbles her food and makes
no reply
When you say in a loud voice,
"I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice the
things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking
or shoe....
Who, resisting or not, lets
you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the
long day to fill....
Is that what you're thinking?
Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse;
you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am as I
sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as
I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten...with
a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love
one another.
A young girl of sixteen, with
wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover
she'll meet.
A bride soon at twenty--my heart
gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I
promised to keep.
At twenty-five now, I have young
of my own
Who need me to guide, and a
secure happy home.
A woman of thirty, my young
now grown fast,
Bound to each other with ties
that should last.
At forty, my young sons have
grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see
I don't mourn.
At fifty, once more babies play
around my knee,
Again we know children, my loved
one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my husband
is dead;
I look at the future, I shudder
with dread.
For my young are all rearing
young of their own,
And I think of the years and
the love that I've known.
I'm now an old woman....and
nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age look
like a fool.
The body, it crumbles, grace
and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where I
once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass
a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered
heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember
the pain,
And I'm loving and living life
over again.
think of the years....all too
few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that
nothing can last.
So open your eyes, nurses, open
and see,
Not a crabby old woman; look
closer...see ME!!
...Remember this poem when you
next meet an old person
who you might brush aside without
looking at the young
soul within...... We will
one day be there, too!
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: ICU
- Cartoon (S450)
From: darrell94590 on 8/31/2005
 |
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Respitory
Therapist (S224, DU)
From: baywolves on 5/6/2001
(See 'Angry Old Man And The Nurse'
in this file)
I'm visiting my father-in-law
in the hospital and Steve,
one of his respiratory therapists,
comes in. He removes
the pass-through valve from
the tracheotomy and inserts a
red rubber tube into the hole
-- maybe a foot and a half
down -- suctioning whatever
goo has collected in the lungs.
The machine makes nasty slurping
noises. It took me a long
time to get used to it.
"I used to be the RT shift supervisor
at another hospital,"
Steve says. "And it was
my responsibility to show the new
residents around. "Every
once in a while, I'd head to the
ICU in front of the tour and
find a patient that wasn't on
the ventilator, and I'd mix
up some apricot and pear juice
and put it in the suction reservoir.
When the tour came
through, I'd be going through
my spiel and say, 'Oh, looks
like this needs to be emptied.'
"And I'd unscrew the reservoir and drink the juice.
"I got a couple of them to throw up."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Lamaze
Class (S206, S494b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 1/7/2001
The room was full of pregnant
women and their partners, and
the Lamaze class was in full
swing. The instructor was
teaching the women how to breathe
properly, along with
informing the men how to give
the necessary assurances at
this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies,
exercise is good for
you. Walking is especially
beneficial. And, gentlemen, it
wouldn't hurt you to take the
time to go walking with your
partner!"
The room got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Four
Guys In The Waiting Room (S180, DU)
From: thebartend on 7/10/00
Four expectant fathers were in
a Minneapolis hospital
waiting room, while their wives
were in labor. The
nurse arrived and announced
to the first man,
"Congratulations sir, you're
the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man
said with some obvious
pride. "I work for the Minnesota
Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little
while and turned to the
second man, "You, sir, are the
father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible
coincidence " he
answered. "I work for the 3M
Corporation. My buddies
at work will never let me live
this one down."
An hour later, while the other
two men were passing
cigars around, the nurse came
back. This time, she
turned to the 3rd man, who had
been quiet in the corner.
She announced that his wife
had just given birth to
quadruplets. Stunned,
he barely could reply. "Don't
tell me another coincidence?"
asked the nurse. After
finally regaining his composure,
he said "I don't
believe it, I work for the Four
Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's
attention turned to the
4th guy, who had just fainted,
flat out on the floor.
The nurse rushed to his side
and, after some time, he
slowly gained back his consciousness.
The nurse asked,
"Sir, are you all right?" "Yes"
says the man, "I'm o.k.
now. I just had a shocking
thought. I work at 7-11."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Guessing
Baby's Weight (S336b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/2/2003
Our Lamaze class included a tour
of the pediatric wing of
the hospital. When a new baby
was brought into the nursery,
all the women tried to guess
its weight, but the guy
standing next to me was the
only male to venture a number.
"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.
"This must not be your first," I said.
"Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first."
"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked.
He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: A Hermaphrodite
Baby (S168, S328)
From: JCary on 4/20/00
and
From: gheckman on 5/9/2003
A woman gives birth to a baby,
and afterwards, the doctor
comes in, and he says, "I have
to tell you something about
your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and
says, "What's wrong with my
baby, doctor? What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now,
nothing's wrong, exactly, but
your baby is a little bit different.
Your baby is a
hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means
your baby has the...er...
features...of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says,
"Oh my god! You mean it has
a penis...AND a brain?"
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: True
Hospital Stories (S141, S577c)
From: collins2 on 10/14/1999
and
From: tom on 1/31/2008
A man comes into the ER and yells,
"My wife's going to have
her baby in the cab!" I grabbed
my stuff, rushed out to the
cab, lifted the lady's dress,
and began to take off her
underwear. Suddenly I noticed
that there were several cabs,
and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
*********
At the beginning of my shift
I placed a stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf female
patient's anterior chest
wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be,"
remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
*********
One day I had to be the bearer
of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of
a massive myocardial infarct. Not
more that five minutes later,
I heard her reporting to the rest
of the family that he had died
of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
*********
I was performing a complete
physical, including the visual
acuity test. I placed the patient
twenty feet from the chart
and began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read the
20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left." Again,
a flawless read. "Now both," I
requested. There was silence.
He couldn't even read the
large E on the top line.
I turned and discovered that he had
done exactly what I had asked;
he was standing there with both
his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
*********
A nurses' aide was helping a
patient into the bathroom when
the patient exclaimed, "You're
not coming in here with me. This
is only a one-seater!"
*********
During a patient's two week
follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed his
doctor that he was having trouble
with one of his medications.
"Which one?", asked the doctor.
"The patch". The nurse
told me to put on a new one every six
hours and now I'm running out
of places to put it!" The doctor
had him quickly undress and
discovered what he hoped he wouldn't
see....Yes, the man had over
fifty patches on his body! Now the
instructions include removal
of the old patch before applying a
new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
*********
While acquainting myself with
a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete
confusion she answered, "Why
not for about twenty years-when my
husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
*********
I was caring for a woman from
Kentucky and asked, "So,
how's your breakfast this
morning?"
"It's very good, except for the
Kentucky Jelly. I
can't seem to get used to the
taste," the patient
replied. I then asked
to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet labeled
"KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
*********
From: JBCARY1 on 11/12/2001 (S250)
The Surgeon's Note: A young
woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting
a variety of tattoos,
and wearing strange clothing,
entered the Emergency Room.
It was quickly determined that
she had acute appendicitis,
so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery. When she was
completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff
noticed that her pubic hair
had been dyed green and above
it there was a tattoo that read,
"Keep Off The Grass!"
Later, in the recovery room,
she found a note on her
dressing which said "Sorry,
had to mow the lawn."
*********
From: Imogenelumen on 7/13/2003
A new, young MD doing his residency
in OB was quite
embarrassed performing female
pelvic exams. To cover his
embarrassment he had unconsciously
formed a habit of
whistling softly. The
middle aged lady upon whom he was
performing this exam suddenly
burst out laughing and
further embarrassed him.
He looked up from his work and
sheepishly said, "I'm
sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but
the song you were whistling
was 'I Wish I Was an Oscar Meyer
Wiener'."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Emergency
Room Stories
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/5/98
Here are some highlights of ER
admissions to Chicago General
over the past year:
- A 28-year old male was brought
into the ER after an attempted
suicide. The man had swallowed
several nitroglycerin pills and
a fifth of vodka. When
asked about the bruises about his head
and chest he said that they
were from him ramming himself into
the wall in an attempt to make
the nitroglycerin explode.
- A woman with shortness on breath
and who weighted approximately
500 lbs was dragged into the
ER on a tarp by six firemen. While
trying to undress the lady,
an asthma inhaler fell out of one of
the folds under her arm.
After an X-ray showed a round mass on
the left side of her chest her
massive left breast was lifted to
find a shiny new dime.
And last, but not least-- during a pelvic
exam a TV remote control was
discovered in one of the folds of
her crotch. She became known
as "The Human Couch".
- The most nonemergent ER visit:
A male adolescent came in at
2 a.m. with a complaint of belly
button lint..
- A 92-year old woman had a full
cardiac arrest at home and was
rushed to the hospital.
After 30 minutes of unsuccessful
resuscitation attempts the old
lady was pronounced dead. The
doctor went to tell the lady's
78-year old daughter that her
mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be?
She left in the ambulance forty-five
minutes ago!"
- A 15-year old boy was laying
on a stretcher with his mother
sitting next to him. The
boy was coming down from "crank"
(methamphetamine) that he had
injected into his veins with
needles he had been sharing
with his friends. Concerned about
this the doctor asked the boy
if there was anything he might
have been doing that put him
at risk for AIDS. The boy
thought for a while then said
questioningly "You mean like
having sex with our dog?"
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Emergency
Room Stories II (S402)
From: JokesUncut on 5/14/2004
INNER SKELETON
A 63 yr-old widow was admitted
to the hospital Recife,
Brazil, suffering abdominal
pains. X-rays showed that she
was carrying a 20 Inch long
skeleton of a fetus which she
conceived a decade earlier.
It had become lodged outside
the womb and was never expelled
from her body.
PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into
the ER with lacerations to
his penis. He complained that
his wife had "...a rat in
her privates..." and it bit
him during sex. After an
examination of his wife, it
was revealed that she had a
surgical needle left inside
her after a recent
hysterectomy.
PING PONG ANYONE?
A 20 yr-old man came into the
ER with a stony mass in his
rectum. He said that he and
his boyfriend were fooling
around with concrete mix, then
his boyfriend had the idea
of pouring the mix into his
anus using a funnel. The
concrete then hardened, causing
constipation and pain.
Under general anesthesia, a
perfect concrete cast of the
man's rectum was removed...
along with a ping pong ball.
BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania
ER complaining of
severe pain while trying to
remove his contact lenses. He
said that they would come out
halfway, but they always
popped back in. A nurse tried
to help using a suction pump,
but without success. Finally,
a doctor examined him and
discovered the man did not have
his contact lenses in at
all. He had been trying to rip
out the membrane of his
cornea.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj: Short
Hospital Jokes
Top
Subj: Visiting
Grandpa In The Hospital (S567)
From: SCOTCOB on 11/30/2007
A six year old goes to the hospital
with his grandma to
visit his grandpa. When
they get to the hospital, he
runs ahead of his grandma and
bursts into his grandpa's
room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly,
"as soon as Grandma
comes into the room, make a
noise like a frog!"
"What?" said his grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog!! Because
Grandma said that as
soon as you croak, we're going
to Disney World!"
| Subj:
Teatime Love Bite (S540c in Penis-Supp)
From: SCOTCOB on 5/16/2007 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Nudist Camp Danger (S521c)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/29/2006 |
| Subj:
Rescuing Hug (S515)
From: LABLaughsClean on 11/28/2006 |
 |
Top
Subj: Coming
Out Of The Anesthesia (S492)
From: igiggle on 6/30/2006
My husband was just coming out
of anesthesia after a series
of tests in the hospital, and
I was sitting at his bedside.
His eyes fluttered open and
he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, I continued my vigil
while he drifted back to
sleep. Later he woke up
and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off,"
he said. ~~Reader's Digest
Top
Subj: Nurse
Picabo Street (S489c)
From: darrell94590 on 6/5/2006
The famous Olympic skier Picabo
Street (pronounced Peek-a-boo)
is not just an athlete.
She is now a nurse currently working
at the Intensive Care Unit of
a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer
the hospital telephones any
longer. It caused too
much confusion when she would answer
the phone and say .. Picabo,
I.C.U.
Top
Subj: Bird
Flu Symnptoms (S460)
From: DoctorDebt on 11/15/2005
The Center for Disease Control
has released a list of symptoms
of bird flu. If you experience
any of the following, please
seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge
to shit on someone's windshield
Top
Subj: Are
You A Hacker? (S436b)
From: LABLaughsCleanon 6/3/2005
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20000328
 |
Top
Subj: Conan
O'Brein On CPR (S403b)
From: igiggle on 9/22/2004
A new study claims that mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation is not
necessary during CPR and it's
better to skip right to chest
compression. However,
the study says that you're still
required to snuggle for a half
hour afterward.
-- Conan O'Brien
Top
Subj: Wheeling
A Patient To The Front Door (S401b)
From: Anonymous Jr on 7/5/2004
Hospital regulations require
a wheelchair for patients being
discharged. However, while
working as a student nurse, I
found one elderly gentleman--already
dressed and sitting on
the bed with a suitcase at his
feet--who insisted he didn't
need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being
rules, he reluctantly let me
wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if
his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's
still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital
gown."
Top
Subj: 18 Year
Old India Girl Has Pain (S315b)
From: jerry on 2/12/2003
An 18-year-old girl in India
went to the hospital in
Jaipur, complaining of pain
in the lower abdomen, and
left the hospital as a boy.
Doctors discovered that she had
a penis inside her
which they freed after a two-and-a-half
hour operation.
He and his family are happy
with the change.
Ananova (UK) 12-Feb-03
Top
Subj: Terrorists
Prevent Kidney Operations (S312)
From: jerry on 1/15/2003
A Canadian hospital has had
to put more than 50 patients
with kidney stones on hold because
a vital piece of equip-
ment that needs replacing in
their lithotriptor machine,
a machine that smashes the stones
using high pressure
shock waves, has been held up
by German authorities
because it, the "spark gap"
device, can be used in making
a nuclear bomb and Germany will
not export any device
that could be used by terrorists
to make weapons.
This is expected to be resolved soon.
The Winnipeg Sun (Canada) via
Ananova (UK) 15-Jan-03
Top
Subj: Surgeon
Complains (S288, DU)
From: jerry on 8/6/2002
A UK surgeon who had to stop
in the middle of surgery
because the nurses could not
understand enough English
to follow his instructions and
who filed a complaint
claiming that patient's lives
are being put at risk by
nurses who do not understand
English, is now facing a
formal disciplinary action for
racism.
UK Telegraph 23-Jul-02
Top
Subj: Hospital
Looses Body (S270b, S494b)
From: jerry on 1/17/2002
Bonehead award four goes to
the San Fernando General Hospital
in Trinidad which didn't know
they had a dead person in one
of the hospital's storage rooms,
for eight or nine months,
until an electrician discovered
the skeleton, in case you
wondered if Trinidad has HMOs.
And what says one of the patients?
"That is real slackness that
somebody could be dead in there
for so long, right across from
patients and nobody knew
anything."
Trinidad Express 16-Jan-02
Top
Subj: Anthrax
Exposure (S248)
From: jerry on 10/29/2001
It takes, on the average, 8,000
to 10,000 of the correct
sized spores to cause the pulmonary
type of Anthrax infection
(the deadliest form).
People who work in wool mills breath
about 400 to 500 anthrax spores
a day and never succumb to
the disease.
Top
Subj: Hospital
Emergency Room Visits (S245b)
From: jerry on 10/10/2001
What's a hospital to do?
George Goins of Oakland, California
has visited the Highland
Hospital's emergency room more
than 1,200 times since 1996,
and more recently, once or twice
a day, each time calling
911 to get an ambulance.
The total cost to taxpayers has
been roughly $900,000.
He says his chest begins to hurt,
he doesn't know why, and
so he runs down to the emergency
room.
While an extreme case, such behavior
has become widespread.
Emergency rooms are getting
crushed by patients, many
uninsured, who are regular visitors
seeking food, human
interaction and sometimes a
warm place. And emergency
rooms have a moral and legal
obligation to take every
complaint seriously.
A study at San Francisco General
Hospital found that 6
percent of ER patients accounted
for 25 percent of all
visits.
Top
Subj: I'm
Not Dead, And Yet I'm In Hell (S229)
From: KMACINTY on 6/18/2001
A February report in the Rochester
(N.Y.) Democrat and
Chronicle described a local
patient's remarkable recovery
from botulism paralysis at Park
Ridge Hospital. The woman
recently recalled that, after
the toxin struck her in June
2000, she lay in her hospital
bed, able to hear everything
around her but unable to communicate
in any way with anyone,
and that someone had erroneously
said she was a big fan of
singer Celine Dion.
After that, the hospital staff,
in an effort to aid the
woman's recovery, played the
singer's music in her room
around the clock for weeks.
When the paralysis left the
woman, one of the first joys
she experienced, she said,
was stopping the music because
she actually never cared
for Dion.
Top
Subj: Four-Letter
Word During Operation (S131B)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 8/1/99
Patient: During my operation,
Nurse, I heard the surgeon
use a four-letter word that
upset me very much.
Nurse: What word was that?
Patient: "Oops!"
Top
Subj: Marijuana
Suppository (S130)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #305 on 6/4/99
It seems researchers at the
University of Mississippi
Medical school have come up
with the first marijuana-
based medical suppository.
The only drawback so far is that
approximately ten
minutes after insertion, you
have an overpowering urge
to shove a twinkie up your ass.
Most hospitals make money by
selling the umbilical
cords cut from women who give
birth. They are reused
in vein transplant surgery.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #59 on 98-03-09
Excercise is bunk. If
you're sick you shouldn't take it
and if you're healthy you don't
need it. --Henry Ford
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #238 on 98-03-28
I can understand why men
don't like vasectomies. My uncle
got a vasectomy, and paid for
it with Mastercard.
But he forgot to pay the bill,
so the finance company came
over to his house and knocked
up my aunt.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically
challenged.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
The colder the X-ray table,
the more of your body is required
on it.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #221 on 98-09-19
True story found in the "West
Australian"
An inmate of a lunatic asylum
started an affair with one of
the cleaning staff. Once
he had gained her confidence they
got very amorous and after one
particularly satisfying bout
of lovemaking he stole her keys
and used them to escape.
The headline in the newspaper
the next day read "Nut Screws
Washer and Bolts."
From: auntieg on 98-11-14
On average, 100 people choke
to death on ball-point pens
every year.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day@joke-of-the-day.com
on 2/3/2003 (S314b)
Health nuts are going to feel
stupid someday, lying
in hospitals dying of nothing.
-- Redd Foxx
From: igiggle on 4/25/2003 (S325b)
Did you hear about the new pill?
It makes you feel good
but has the side effect of making
you dull. It's called
Prosaic.
From: igiggle on 9/18/2004 (S401b)
Q: How is a hospital gown like
insurance?
A: You're never covered as well
as you think you are.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
 |
Hurt Smiley from
Smiley_Central |