Subj: Hotel Jokes
(Includes 20 jokes and articles, 22779,1,cf,md4b,1)
Lee Valley Park
Also see FACTS2 file - 'Phone
Won't Stop Ringing?'
FOOTBALL - 'Reading An Anouncement Badly'
FROG file - 'Lonely Widow Buys Ugly Toad'
GAY file - 'Sailor Needs A Hotel Room'
GAMES file - 'Chess Players At Hotel'
ITALIAN file - 'The Italian Who Went To Malta'
LAWYER2 file - 'Lawyer's Vacation'
MATH4-SUPP - 'Three Guys Rent A Room'
MOVIES_ETC - 'Mary Poppins Stays At A Hotel'
MOVIES_ETC-SU- 'Paris Hilton On SNL'
PENIS3 file - 'Worst Resort Name Ever'
WOMEN1 file - 'Sunbathing'
Subj: Old Couple Wants A Double Bed (S614b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 10/16/2008
An older couple was asking for
a room with a king, queen
or double bed. The clerk apologized and said that the
only rooms available had twin beds.
Disappointed, the man remarked,
"I don't know. We've
been sharing the same bed for 44 years."
"Could you possibly put them
close together?" the wife
Several people nearby smiled,
and someone commented,
Then the woman finished her request
with, "Because if he
snores, I want him close enough to be able to punch him."
Subj: Bringing Your Dog To A Hotel (S501c, S779)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 8/22/2006
and From: virv on 12/12/2011
A man wrote an email to a small
hotel in a Midwest town he
planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, "I would very
much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and
very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to
keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from
the hotel owner, who said, "I've
been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time,
I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or
pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the
middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly, and I've
never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome
at my hotel. And, if your
dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
Subj: Traveler Meets Blond In Hotel (S489c)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/6/2006
A traveler pulls into a hotel
around midnight and asks the
clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paper-
work, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting
in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears
into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl
on his arm.
"Fancy meeting my wife here,"
he says to the clerk. "Guess
I'll need a double room for the night."
Next morning, he comes to settle
his bill, and finds the amount
to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at
the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your
wife has been here for three
Subj: Sign In Hotels (S487c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 5/22/2006
(Also see 'Foreign Signs' in SIGNS AND NAMES)
Signs from hotels and from around the world:
In a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such a thing please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time
we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the
cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a
number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order.
In a Bangkok drycleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In an Austrian hotel catering
Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of
repose in the boots of Ascension.
In a Yugoslav hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job
of the chambermaid.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with
cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck
let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country
Outside a Hong Kong tailor's
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
Subj: Motel Guest Wants A Haircut (S418b, S661b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/31/2005
A traveling salesman checked
into a futuristic motel.
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's
meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if
there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not,
sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the
hall from your room is a vending machine that should
serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the
salesman located the machine,
inserted 50 cents, and stuck his head into the opening, at
which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen
seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed
his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine
with a sign that read,
'Manicures, 25 Cents' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He
paid the money,inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled
them out and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that
read, 'This Machine Provides
a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The
salesman looked both ways, put in fifty cents in the machine,
unzipped his fly and,with some anticipation, stuck his dinger
into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy
let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off
and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw
his dinger... now with a button sewed on the end of it...
Subj: Hotel Guest Phones For Sex (S412, S837)
From: DoctorDebt on 12/12/2004
and From: virv on 1/22/2013
Lorne checked into a hotel on
a business trip and was a bit
lonely, so he thought I'd get one of those girls you see
advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
Lorne had grabbed a woman's card
when he called a cab to
take him from the airport to the hotel. It was an ad for
a girl named Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the
photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places,
beautiful long, wavy hair, long graceful legs that went all
the way up to her firm, shapely butt. So Lorne's in his
room and figures, "What the hell, I'll giver her a call."
"Hello?" the woman says. Gawd, she sounded sexy.
"Hi," Lorne began. "I hear you
give a great massage and I'd
like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I
should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what
I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot and I
want it now! I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name
it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've
got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night -
tie me up, wear a strap-on, cover me in chocolate syrup and
whipped cream - anything you want, baby. Now, how does that
"That sounds fantastic," she
said, "But for an outside line
you need to press 9."
Subj: Nursing Home Alternative (S344b, DU)
From: Imogenelumen on 9/4/2003
(Also see 'An Alternative Retirement Home' in SHIPS)
With the average cost for a Nursing
Home per day reaching
$188.00, there is a better way when we get old and feeble.
I have ascertained that I can
get a nice room at the Holiday
Inn for around $65.00...that leaves $123.00 a day for beer,
food (room service), laundry, gratuities and special TV
movies. They have a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge,
washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors,
and all have free shampoo and soap. Most will discount for
full week stays.
Super 8 is somewhat more economical
and they have a free
breakfast, though you usually have to walk next door for
lunch and dinner.
There may be a bit of a wait
to get that first floor room,
but that's OK, it takes months to get into decent nursing
homes. There is the Senior Bus, the Handicap bus (if you
fake a decent limp), a Church bus or van, cabs, and even a
regular bus. For a change of lunch take the Airport Bus
and eat at one of the fast food cafe's there.
The Inn has security, and if
someone sees you drop over,
they will call an ambulance. And should you break a hip,
the American Way is to Sue. What more can you ask for?
As a bonus, they all have AARP and other Senior discounts.
When I reach the Golden age
help me keep my grin
Just check my old rickety ass
into the nearest Holiday Inn!
Subj: Resort Won't Rent Room To Jewish Lady (S320, S583c)
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/19/2003
Many years ago, a Jewish lady
named Mrs. Rosenberg was
stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape
Cod -- one that did not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at
his book and said, "Sorry,
no room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your
sign says that you have
vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly,
"You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try
the other side of town..." Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened
noticeably and said, "I'll have you know I converted to
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah,
let me give you a little
test. How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was
born to a virgin named Mary
in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel
clerk. "And why was he born
in a manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because
a jerk like you in the
hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
Subj: Hotel For Women (S251b, S658b)
From: RFSlick on 11/23/2001
and From: brucejohnsonbaugh on 8/16/2009
A group of girlfriends went on
vacation and they see a
five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only".
Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to
The Bouncer, a very attractive
guy, explains to them how it
works. "We have 5 floors ... go up floor by floor, and once
you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's
easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you
So they start going up, and on
the first floor the sign
reads "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are
sensitive and kind"...the friends laugh and without
hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor
reads "All the men here are
wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly".
This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the
third floor where the sign read "All the men here are great
lovers and sensitive to the needs of women." This was good
but there were still two more floors.
On to the fourth floor, the sign
was Perfect. "All the men
here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to
women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and
straight." The women seemed pleased but they decide that
they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer
before they settle for the fourth.
When they reach the fifth floor,
there is only a sign that
reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only
to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Subj: New Wife Store (DU)
From: lubin100 on 11/4/2009
A store that sells new wives
has opened in New York City,
where a man may go to choose a wife. Among the instructions
at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY
ONCE! There are six floors
and the value of the products increase as the shopper
ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from
a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
So, a man goes to the New Wife
Store to find a wife. On
the first floor the sign on the door reads:
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that
love sex and have money
and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Subj: Man Upset By Large Hotel Bill (S224, S759)
From: KMACINTY on 5/17/2001
and From: kgilmour2000 on 8/2/2011
A husband and wife are traveling
by car from Key West to
Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're
too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only
plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands
them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands
to know why the charge is so
high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the
rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells
him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking
to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens
to the man, and then explains
that the hotel has an Olympic - sized pool and a huge
conference center that were available for the husband and
wife to use.
"But we didn't use them", the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you
could have," explains the
He goes on to explain they could
have taken in one of the
shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers
from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the
"But we didn't go to any of those
shows," complains the man
"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager
mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually
the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But
sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man.
"I charged you $250 for
sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
Subj: Guest Orders Breakfast (S195, DU)
From: BartendJOTD-owner on 10/27/2000
A guest in a posh hotel breakfast
room called over the head
waiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful
smile, "Good Morning, sir. What a wonderful morning! I'd
like two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's
runny, and the other so overcooked that it's tough and hard
to eat. Also, I want some grilled bacon that has been left
out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that
crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; and I'd
like some butter straight from the freezer so that it's
impossible to spread; and a pot of weak coffee, luke-warm."
"I'm sorry, sir." said the bewildered
waiter. "We cannot do
that for you."
The guest replied, "Oh?, But that's what I got yesterday!"
Subj: Drunk Asks When The Bar Opens (S80, DU)
From: thebartend on 98-08-05
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel
gets a call from a drunk guy
asking what time the bar opens.
"It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a
call from the same guy, sounding
even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls
"Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens
at noon, but if you can't
wait to get in, I can have room service send something up
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
Subj: Room Service (S73, S817)
From: auntieg on 98-06-26
and From: virv on 9/6/2012
Be warned, you're going to find
yourself talking funny for
a while after reading this. It was nominated best E-mail
for 1997, at a hotel in Asia. It was recorded and published
in the Far East Economic Review.
Room Service: "Morny, Ruin sorbees"
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye...Ruin sorbees..morny!
Djewish to odor sunteen??"
Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do
I like them? Sorry, scrambled,
RS: "Ow July dee baychem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine"
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
RS: "San tos, July Santos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this,
but I don't know
what 'Judo one toes' means"
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don
Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got
it! You were saying
'Toast' fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all"
RS: "One minnie. Ass ruin torino
fee, strangle ache, crease
baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh,
G: "Whatever you say"
G: "You're welcome"
Subj: English Inn Called 'George And The Dragon' (S134, DU)
From: FrankRoesc on 8/23/99
An 18th-century vagabond in England,
exhausted and famished,
came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and
the Dragon." He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
"Could ye spare some victuals?"
The woman glanced at his shabby,
dirty clothes. "No!" she
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least use your privvy?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that
I might have a word with
Subj: Short Hotel Jokes
Cute Hotel Sign (S503c)
Subj: Ten Tallest Towers (S332b)
From: jerry on 6/5/2003
Here are the 10 tallest towers in the world
along with their height, in feet
1. CNN Tower, Toronto, 1815
2. Ostankino Tower, Moscow, 1762
3. Oriental Pearl Tower, Shanghai, 1535
4. Menara Tower, Kuala Lapur, 1403
5. Central TV Tower, Beijing, 1369
6. Tianjin TV Tower, China, 1362
7. Tashkent Tower, China, 1230
8. Liberation Tower, Kuwait City, 1214
9. Fernsehturm Tower, Berlin, 1198
10. Stratosphere Tower, Las Vegas 1149
The destroyed World Trade Center
in New York
would have ranked as the 6th tallest at 1368 feet.
Scottish Daily Record 28-May-03
From: merlin_of_chaos on 6/19/2003
Your The Tallest tower survey left out the Sears Tower (1450 ft)
From 'Strange Sex Laws' in LAWS
Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska
are required by law to
provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest.
According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they
are wearing the nightshirts.
Hotels in Sioux Falls, South
Dakota, are required by law
to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should
be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal
for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.
In Salem, Massachusetts even married couples are forbidden
from sleeping in the nude in rented rooms...
From: dogbyte on 9/3/2001 (S240)
Don't stay at the Marriott! The towels are so thick
and fluffy that you can hardly close your suitcase.
.........................From GIFs Rubrik:Neon Smiley.