prison

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Subj: Prison Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 21 jokes and articles)

Also see ASIA file    - 'Innocent New Delhi Man Spends 14 Years In Jail'
         CARS3 file   - 'Woman w/Sick Kid Locks Keys In Car'
         FACTS4 file - 'Robber Homesick For Prison'
         IRISH2 file - 'Irishman Needs His Garden Spaded'
         JUDGE file   - 'Judge Releases Man From Jail'
......................- 'Man Jailed For 15 Years for Bullet'
         PROGRAMMER   - 'Quiz-Programmer Or Serial Killer'
         PSYCHOLOGY   - 'Insane Asylum Exit Test'
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Subj:     Getting Used To The Outside (S407b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/16/2004
          At: http://www.ezines4all.com/at200409/042.htm

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Subj:     Ax Murderer Let Lose By Accident (S595c)
          From: BoneheadOfTheDayAward on 6/15/2008
Source: http://www.cbc.ca/canada/montreal/story/2008/05/23/masiak-escape.html

Quebec provincial police are looking for Krysztof Masiak, 48,
a man who was diagnosed with paranoid-schizophrenia after
killing his nine-year-old daughter in 2001.

How did he "escape" from the Phillipe Pinel Institute in Montreal?

The hospital thought it would be best for him (forget the
Canadians) to have a day out unsupervised.

He never returned.

The institutes' director, Dr. Jocelyn Aubut, says it isn't
his fault, or anyone's fault at the institute. "We have a
psychiatrist, psychologist, a criminologist. There are some
special objectives tests which are passed. Every patient has
to go before a tribunal before we give them day passes."

There now? Don't you feel better?

CBC News 23-May-08

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Subj:     Woman Plans Prison Break (S594c)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/28/2008

A pretty woman was serving a life sentence in prison.
Angry and resentful about her situation, she had decided
that she would rather die than to live another year in
prison.

Over the years she had become good friends with one of
the prison caretakers. His job, among others, was to
bury those prisoners who died in a graveyard just outside
the prison walls. When a prisoner died, the caretaker
rang a bell, which was heard by everyone. The caretaker
then got the body and put it in a casket. Next, he entered
his office to fill out the death certificate before
returning to the casket to nail the lid shut. Finally, he
put the casket on a wagon to take it to the graveyard and
bury it.

Knowing this routine, the woman devised an escape plan
and shared it with the caretaker. The next time the bell
rang, the woman would leave her cell and sneak into the
dark room where the coffins were kept. She would slip
into the coffin with the dead body while the caretaker
was filling out the death certificate. When the care-taker
returned, he would nail the lid shut and take the coffin
outside the prison with the woman in the coffin along
with the dead body. He would then bury the coffin. The
woman knew there would be enough air for her to breathe
until later in the evening when the caretaker would
return to the graveyard under the cover of darkness,
dig up the coffin, open it, and set her free.

The caretaker was reluctant to go along with this plan,
but since he and the woman had become good friends over
the years, he agreed to do it.

The woman waited several weeks before someone in the prison
died. She was asleep in her cell when she heard the death
bell ring. She got up and slowly walked down the hallway.
She was nearly caught a couple of times. Her heart was
beating fast. She opened the door to the darkened room
where the coffins were kept. Quietly in the dark, she
found the coffin that contained the dead body, carefully
climbed into the coffin and pulled the lid shut to wait
for the caretaker to come and nail the lid shut.

Soon she heard footsteps and the pounding of the hammer
and nails. Even though she was very uncomfortable in
the coffin with the dead body, she knew that with each
nail she was one step closer to freedom. The coffin was
lifted onto the wagon and taken outside to the graveyard.
She could feel the coffin being lowered into the ground.
She didn't make a sound as the coffin hit the bottom of
the grave with a thud. Finally she heard the dirt
dropping onto the top of the wooden coffin, and she
knew that it was only a matter of time until she would
be free at last. After several minutes of absolute
silence, she began to laugh. She was free! She was free!
Feeling curious, she decided to light a match to find
out the identity of the dead prisoner beside her.

To her horror, she discovered that she was lying next to
the dead caretaker.

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Subj:     Inmate Becomes A Carpenter (S286b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/18/2002

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During
his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his
fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was
a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a
trade while doing his time.

After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best
carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given
a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the
community, and he always reported back to prison before
Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and
in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked
the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a
large counter top which he had promised his wife.

The Warden called Andy into his office and asked him to
complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He
told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you but
counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first
place.''

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Subj:     Escape Convict Breaks Into A House (S112, S473b)
          From: RFSlick on 3/21/99
      and From: DoctorDebt on 2/4/2006

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had
spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the
run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who
had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair
on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on
the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing
her neck.

Suddenly he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room
to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this
guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your
neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do
anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go
along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do do
not fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be
strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife
says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right,
he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really
cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be
strong and I love you, too."

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Subj:     The Lettuce Patch (S263)
          From: The Jokes Archive
          At: http://livingdesire.com/jokes/lettucepatch.html
      and From: dogbyte on 2/9/2002
          (See 'Redneck Calls FBI About Marijuana' in REDNECK3
       and see 'Irishman Needs His Garden Spaded' in IRISH2)

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife. "I have
decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is
the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail,
replied in a letter, "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not
touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the gold."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his
wife: "You would not believe what happened, some men came
with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the
best time to plant the lettuce."

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Subj:     The Electric Chair (S406b)
          From: DafterLafter on 10/26/2004
          At: http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/011.htm

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Subj:     Three Convicts Bring Items To Prison (S23)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-28

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each
allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their
time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to
another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that
he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become
the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and
said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin,
and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself.
The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What
did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought
these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to
the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

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Subj:     Life In Prison -vs- A Full-Time Job - A Comparison (S170, S450b)
          From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 8/30/2005

IN PRISON they spend the majority of their time in a 8' x 10'cell.
AT WORK, I spend most of my time in a 6' x 8' cube.

IN PRISON they get three meals a day.
AT WORK I only get a break for one meal, & I have to pay for the meal.

IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

AT WORK many people must wear an ID badge at all times.
IN PRISON they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently
sewn onto the clothes.

AT WORK there is a dress standard but I must buy my own clothes.
IN PRISON there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.

AT WORK I must carry around a security card and unlock and open
all the doors myself.
IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.

IN PRISON they can watch TV and play games.
At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON they will pay my way through school to learn a new
career and give me time to do it.
AT WORK they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time.

IN PRISON they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use
almost whenever you want.
AT WORK we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be
on your time.

IN PRISON I can fall asleep on the job and no serious
consequences comes from my actions.
AT WORK if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next layoff list.

IN PRISON they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
AT WORK you are just ball-and-chained.

IN PRISON you have full medical coverage with no deductibles.
AT WORK, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by the taxpayer, with no work on
their part.
AT WORK, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then
deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

From: auntieg on 98-03-09
IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars
from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out
and go inside bars.

IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK they are called managers.

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Subj:     Friendship Quote (S412)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/13/2004
          At: http://www.ezines4all.com/at200410/006.htm
          (See 'The Real Friend Test' in HOUGHTS-LEARNED-SUPP)

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Subj:     Short Prison Jokes

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Subj:     Herman Comics (S597b)
          by Jim Unger
          From: Comics.com on 6/26/2008

Source: http://www.comics.com/comics/herman/index.html
You can view this Herman comic strip on prison breaks
by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Prison Retirement (S572b)
          From: WashingtonPost
          on 1/3/2008

Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/artsandliving
........./comics/king.html?name=Bizarro&date=20080103
This Bizarro comic strip is interesting. Click 'HERE' to view.

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Subj:     Being In Prison Too Long (S522b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 1/17/2007

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20030126
This funny, dirty cartoon can be seen at the source above,
or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Most Popular Guy In Prison (S504b)
          From: darrell94590
          on 9/19/2006

This cute picture can be seen on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     America's Toughest Sheriff (S442)
          From: RFSlick
          on 7/12/2005

This article and pictures describes Sheriff Joe Arpaio's (in
Arizona) "tent city jail". You can view the article by
clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Prisoner Escapes (S427b)
          From: auntiegah
          on 3/31/2005

Click 'HERE' to view the full picture.

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Subj: Trapped In A Toilet (S240)
From: bonehead on 9/3/2001
A hapless and very terrified prison inmate, who stopped
to use a portable toilet after performing his work as
part of a Morro Bay, California chain-gang was suddenly
whisked away when a truck hooked itself up to the
''portaloo'' and began driving away.

The man was rescued after somebody called the police to
report that a man, in a portaloo, travelling on the highway,
was standing inside, with the door open, shouting 'Hey, Help!'

Ananova 29-Aug-01

From: bonehead on 7/29/2001
This bonehead award, a ''too dumb to be a criminal bonehead
award,'' goes to a convict in Newark, Delaware who escaped
one night from a Delaware jail prompting police to contact
local motels and hotels to warn them, and who, needing a room
for the night, entered a Travelodge motel and who, needing to
present some sort of ID to get the room, presented his prison
ID.

From: Darwin Awards2
Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a
thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot
wall, dropped down, and found himself in the city prison.

From: DoctorDebt on 6/25/2004 (S388b)
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a
true friend will be sitting next to you saying, " Dang ...
that was fun!"

From: igiggle on 5/24/2006 (S487b)
A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are
asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #195 on 98-08-23 (S388b)
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.

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Smiley in Jail from
Smiley_Central

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