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Subj:     Prison Jokes
                 (Includes 30 jokes and articles, 21923,18,cf,md4w,12)

Prisoner from
Blaufalkes Bonepage
Includes the following:  Modern Prison - Picture (S923)
.........................Ax Murderer Let Lose By Accident (S595c)
.........................Ripley's Believe It Or Not! II (S746)
.........................Woman Plans Prison Break (S594c)
.........................The Electric Chair - Animated GIF (S406b)
.........................Inmate Becomes A Carpenter (S286b)
.........................Escape Convict Breaks Into A House (S112, S473b)
.........................Friendship Quote - Drawing (S412)
.........................The Lettuce Patch (S263)
.........................Three Convicts Bring Items To Prison (S23)
.........................Ripley's Believe It Or Not! (S631c)
.........................Life In Prison -vs- A Full-Time Job (S170, S661b)
.........................Getting Used To The Outside - Cartoon (S407b)
.........................Short Prison Jokes
..............................Non Sequitur Sunday Comic Strip (S771)
..............................Bizarro Cartoon (S700b)
..............................The Flying McCoys Cartoon (S665b)
..............................Herman Sunday Cartoon (S662b)
..............................Non Sequitur Comic Strip (S623b)
..............................An Austrian Prison (S602b)
..............................Herman Cartoon (S597b)
..............................Prison Retirement (S572b)
..............................Being In Prison Too Long (S522b)
..............................Most Popular Guy In Prison (S504b)
..............................America's Toughest Sheriff (S442)
..............................Prisoner Escapes (S427b)
..............................Trapped In A Toilet (S240)

Also see ASIA file    - 'Innocent New Delhi Man Spends 14 Years In Jail'
         CARS3 file   - 'Woman w/Sick Kid Locks Keys In Car'
         ELDERLY1 SUPP- 'Little Old Lady Sitting On A Park Bench'
         ENGLISH-SUPP - 'Frank And Ernest Cartoon'
         FACTS4 file  - 'Robber Homesick For Prison'
         IRISH2 file  - 'Irishman Needs His Garden Spaded'
         JUDGE file   - 'Judge Releases Man From Jail'
......................- 'Man Jailed For 15 Years for Bullet'
         LAWYER1 file - 'Attorney Gets Home Late'
         POLIT-SUPP2  - 'Liberal Paradise'
         PROGRAMMER   - 'Quiz-Programmer Or Serial Killer'
         PSYCHOLOGY   - 'Insane Asylum Exit Test'
         SOLDIER-SUPP2- 'The Great Escape - Tunnel Revealed'

============================================================Top
Subj:     Modern Prison (S923d)
          By Jackomatic
          From: Brian Giguere on Facebook
 Source: http://imgur.com/gallery/xFVXjUY
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.....Click 'HERE' to see all the details in the full, larger picture.
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Subj:     Ax Murderer Let Lose By Accident (S595c)
          From: BoneheadOfTheDayAward on 6/15/2008
 Source: http://www.cbc.ca/canada/montreal/story/2008/05/23/masiak-escape.html

 Quebec provincial police are looking for Krysztof Masiak, 48,
 a man who was diagnosed with paranoid-schizophrenia after
 killing his nine-year-old daughter in 2001.

 How did he "escape" from the Phillipe Pinel Institute in Montreal?

 The hospital thought it would be best for him (forget the
 Canadians) to have a day out unsupervised.

 He never returned.

 The institutes' director, Dr. Jocelyn Aubut, says it isn't
 his fault, or anyone's fault at the institute.  "We have a
 psychiatrist, psychologist, a criminologist.  There are some
 special objectives tests which are passed.  Every patient has
 to go before a tribunal before we give them day passes."

 There now?  Don't you feel better?

 CBC News 23-May-08

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(S746)
     by John Graziano
     From: Comics.com on 5/5/2011
 Source: http://comics.com/ripleys_believe_it_or_not/2011-05-03/
 

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Subj:     Woman Plans Prison Break (S594c)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/28/2008

 A pretty woman was serving a life sentence in prison.
 Angry and resentful about her situation, she had decided
 that she would rather die than to live another year in
 prison.

 Over the years she had become good friends with one of
 the prison caretakers.  His job, among others, was to
 bury those prisoners who died in a graveyard just outside
 the prison walls.  When a prisoner died, the caretaker
 rang a bell, which was heard by everyone.  The caretaker
 then got the body and put it in a casket.  Next, he entered
 his office to fill out the death certificate before
 returning to the casket to nail the lid shut.  Finally, he
 put the casket on a wagon to take it to the graveyard and
 bury it.

 Knowing this routine, the woman devised an escape plan
 and shared it with the caretaker.  The next time the bell
 rang, the woman would leave her cell and sneak into the
 dark room where the coffins were kept.  She would slip
 into the coffin with the dead body while the caretaker
 was filling out the death certificate.  When the care-taker
 returned, he would nail the lid shut and take the coffin
 outside the prison with the woman in the coffin along
 with the dead body.  He would then bury the coffin.  The
 woman knew there would be enough air for her to breathe
 until later in the evening when the caretaker would
 return to the graveyard under the cover of darkness,
 dig up the coffin, open it, and set her free.

 The caretaker was reluctant to go along with this plan,
 but since he and the woman had become good friends over
 the years, he agreed to do it.

 The woman waited several weeks before someone in the prison
 died. She was asleep in her cell when she heard the death
 bell ring.  She got up and slowly walked down the hallway.
 She was nearly caught a couple of times.  Her heart was
 beating fast.  She opened the door to the darkened room
 where the coffins were kept. Quietly in the dark, she
 found the coffin that contained the dead body, carefully
 climbed into the coffin and pulled the lid shut to wait
 for the caretaker to come and nail the lid shut.

 Soon she heard footsteps and the pounding of the hammer
 and nails.  Even though she was very uncomfortable in
 the coffin with the dead body, she knew that with each
 nail she was one step closer to freedom.  The coffin was
 lifted onto the wagon and taken outside to the graveyard.
 She could feel the coffin being lowered into the ground.
 She didn't make a sound as the coffin hit the bottom of
 the grave with a thud. Finally she heard the dirt
 dropping onto the top of the wooden coffin, and she
 knew that it was only a matter of time until she would
 be free at last.  After several minutes of absolute
 silence, she began to laugh.  She was free!  She was free!
 Feeling curious, she decided to light a match to find
 out the identity of the dead prisoner beside her.

 To her horror, she discovered that she was lying next to
 the dead caretaker.

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Subj:     The Electric Chair (S406b)
          From: DafterLafter on 10/26/2004
          At: http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/011.htm
 

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Subj:     Inmate Becomes A Carpenter (S286b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/18/2002

 Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.  During
 his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his
 fellow inmates.  The warden saw that deep down, Andy was
 a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a
 trade while doing his time.

 After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best
 carpenters in the local area.  Often he would be given
 a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the
 community, and he always reported back to prison before
 Sunday night was over.

 The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and
 in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked
 the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a
 large counter top which he had promised his wife.

 The Warden called Andy into his office and asked him to
 complete the job for him.  But, alas, Andy refused.  He
 told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you but
 counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first
 place.''

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Subj:     Escape Convict Breaks Into A House (S112, S473b)
          From: RFSlick on 3/21/99
      and From: DoctorDebt on 2/4/2006

 An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had
 spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison.  While on the
 run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who
 had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair
 on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.  He got on
 the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing
 her neck.

 Suddenly he got up and left the room.

 As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room
 to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this
 guy hasn't seen a woman in years.  I saw him kissing on your
 neck and then he left in a hurry.  Just cooperate and do
 anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go
 along with it and pretend you like it.  Whatever you do do
 not fight him or make him mad.  Our lives depend on it!  Be
 strong and I love you."

 After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife
 says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way.  You're right,
 he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck.
 He was whispering in my ear.  He said he thinks you're really
 cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom.  Be
 strong and I love you, too."

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Subj:     Friendship Quote (S412)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/13/2004
          At: http://www.ezines4all.com/at200410/006.htm
          (See 'The Real Friend Test' in THOUGHTS-LEARNED-SUPP)
 

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Subj:     The Lettuce Patch (S263)
          From: The Jokes Archive
          At: http://livingdesire.com/jokes/lettucepatch.html
      and From: dogbyte on 2/9/2002
          (See 'Redneck Calls FBI About Marijuana' in REDNECK3
       and see 'Irishman Needs His Garden Spaded' in IRISH2)

 A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife. "I have
 decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden.  When is
 the best time to plant them?"

 The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail,
 replied in a letter, "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not
 touch the back garden. That is where  I hid all the gold."

 A week or so later, he received another letter from his
 wife: "You would not believe what happened, some men came
 with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

 The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the
 best time to plant the lettuce."

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Subj:     Three Convicts Bring Items To Prison (S23)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-28

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each
allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their
time whilst stuck behind bars.  On the bus, one turned to
another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that
he intended to paint anything he could.  He wanted to become
the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and
said, "I brought cards.  I can play poker, solitaire and gin,
and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself.
The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug?  What
did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled.  "I brought
these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to
the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

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(S631c)
     by John Graziano
     From: Comics.com on 2/7/2009
 Source: http://comics.com/ripleys_believe_it_or_not/
 

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Subj:     Life In Prison -vs- A Full-Time Job - A Comparison (S170, S661b)
          From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 8/30/2005

 IN PRISON they spend the majority of their time in a 8' x 10'cell.
 AT WORK, I spend most of my time in a 6' x 8' cube.

 IN PRISON they get three meals a day.
 AT WORK I only get a break for one meal, ? I have to pay for the meal.

 IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
 AT WORK I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

 AT WORK many people must wear an ID badge at all times.
 IN PRISON they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently
    sewn onto the clothes.

 AT WORK there is a dress standard but I must buy my own clothes.
 IN PRISON there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.

 AT WORK I must carry around a security card and unlock and open
    all the doors myself.
 IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.

 IN PRISON they can watch TV and play games.
 At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.

 IN PRISON they will pay my way through school to learn a new
    career and give me time to do it.
 AT WORK they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time.

 IN PRISON they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use
    almost whenever you want.
 AT WORK we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be
    on your time.

 IN PRISON I can fall asleep on the job and no serious
    consequences comes from my actions.
 AT WORK if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next layoff list.

 IN PRISON they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
 AT WORK you are just ball-and-chained.

 IN PRISON you have full medical coverage with no deductibles.
 AT WORK, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.

 IN PRISON all expenses are paid by the taxpayer, with no work on
    their part.
 AT WORK, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then
    deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

From: auntieg on 98-03-09
 IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
 AT WORK you have to share.

 IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
 AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

 IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars
          from the inside wanting to get out.
 AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out
    and go inside bars.

 IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
 AT WORK they are called managers.

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Subj:     Getting Used To The Outside (S407b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/16/2004
          At: http://www.ezines4all.com/at200409/042.htm
 


Subj:     Short Prison Jokes

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Subj:     Non Sequitur Sunday Comic Strip (S771)
          By Wiley Miller
          From: GoComics.com on 10/16/2010
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/
 Click 'HERE' to see how this Sunday comic strip suggests
 handling the prison overcrowding problem.
 

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Subj:     Bizarro Cartoon (S700b)
          By Dan Piraro
          From: Chron.com on 6/15/2010
 Source: http://www.chron.com/apps/comics
........./showComick.mpl?date=20100419?name=Bizarro
 Click on the above source, or 'HERE' for my copy,
 to see this cute cartoon.
 

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Subj:     The Flying McCoys Cartoon (S665b)
          by Glenn and Gary McCoy
          From: GoComics.com on 10/1/2009
 Source: http://wpcomics.washingtonpost.com/client/wpc/fmc/
 Click 'HERE' to see this cute cartoon.
 

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Subj:     Herman Sunday Cartoon (S662b)
          By Jim Unger
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 9/15/2009
 Source: http://comics.com/herman/
 Click 'HERE' to see this cute cartoon.
 

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Subj:     Non Sequitur Comic Strip (S623b)
          By Wiley Miller
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 12/18/2008
 Source: http://wpcomics.washingtonpost.com/client/wpc/nq/
 Click 'HERE' to view this cute comic Strip.
 

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Subj:     An Austrian Prison (S602b)
          From: ginafm
          on 7/22/2008
 Source1: http://www.snopes.com/photos/architecture/prison.asp
 Source2: http://www.mimoa.eu/projects/Austria
........../Leoben/Justice%20and%20Detention%20Centre
 These fifteen photos show the Justice and Detention Centre
 in Leoben, Austria.  Click 'HERE' to view one beautiful jail.
 

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Subj:     Herman Cartoon (S597b)
          by Jim Unger
          From: Comics.com on 6/26/2008
 Source: http://www.comics.com/comics/herman/index.html
 You can view this Herman cartoon on prison breaks
 by clicking 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     Prison Retirement (S572b)
          From: WashingtonPost
          on 1/3/2008
 Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/artsandliving
........./comics/king.html?name=Bizarro?date=20080103
 This Bizarro comic strip is interesting.  Click 'HERE' to view.
 

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Subj:     Being In Prison Too Long (S522b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 1/17/2007
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20030126
 This funny, dirty cartoon can be seen at the source above,
 or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     Most Popular Guy In Prison (S504b)
          From: darrell94590
          on 9/19/2006
 This cute picture can be seen on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     America's Toughest Sheriff (S442)
          From: RFSlick
          on 7/12/2005
 This article and pictures describes Sheriff Joe Arpaio's (in
 Arizona) "tent city jail".  You can view the article by
 clicking 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     Prisoner Escapes (S427b)
          From: auntiegah
          on 3/31/2005
 Click 'HERE' to view the full picture.
 

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Subj:     Trapped In A Toilet (S240)
          From: bonehead on 9/3/2001
 A hapless and very terrified prison inmate, who stopped
 to use a portable toilet after performing his work as
 part of a Morro Bay, California chain-gang was suddenly
 whisked away when a truck hooked itself up to the
 ''portaloo'' and began driving away.

 The man was rescued after somebody called the police to
 report that a man, in a portaloo, travelling on the highway,
 was standing inside, with the door open, shouting 'Hey, Help!'

 Ananova 29-Aug-01
 

From: bonehead on 7/29/2001
 This bonehead award, a ''too dumb to be a criminal bonehead
 award,'' goes to a convict in Newark, Delaware who escaped
 one night from a Delaware jail prompting police to contact
 local motels and hotels to warn them, and who, needing a room
 for the night, entered a Travelodge motel and who, needing to
 present some sort of ID to get the room, presented his prison
 ID.

From: Darwin Awards2
  Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a
  thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot
  wall, dropped down, and found himself in the city prison.

From: DoctorDebt on 6/25/2004 (S388b)
 A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a
 true friend will be sitting next to you saying, " Dang ...
 that was fun!"

From: igiggle on 5/24/2006 (S487b)
 A cement mixer collided with a prison van.  Motorists are
 asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
 

From: humorlist-digest V2 #195 on 98-08-23 (S388b)
 Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
 A: Cell phones.

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............................From Smiley_Central
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